Guest guest Posted February 3, 2012 Report Share Posted February 3, 2012 Welcome to the Group, LIndsey. I'm no therapist, but the behaviors you describe could very well be due to bpd in my opinion. Whether she can be officially diagnosed with bpd or not, you find her behaviors stressful and hurtful to you, and that's the key point. Its difficult to accept, but nothing you can possibly say or do can make your mother change the way she behaves toward you. She is the only one who has the power to change herself, but those with pds are not likely to seek change: personality disorder is an " ego syntonic " condition. Someone with personality disorder is not distressed or upset by their own thoughts, feelings and behaviors; they feel that the (negative, warped, destructive) way they view things is just fine, rational, understandable and normal. They can't accept personal responsibility for the problems and hurt that own feelings, thoughts and behaviors cause them and others; instead, their perception is that its everyone else who is mean, hateful, and causing all the problems in their life. So... the only real power that you have is to decide what behaviors YOU will and will not tolerate. You have the right and the power to say, calmly, " I will not talk to you, mother, when you are screaming at me/calling me names/crying hysterically/saying things like that about my husband, etc. We can talk later when you are calmer; I'm hanging now/I'm leaving now. " It feels nearly impossible to basically become the adult in the relationship, take charge, and call the shots, but bottom line: that's pretty much that's what it takes, because having a relationship with a bpd person is like having a relationship with a two-year-old (who just happens to look like an adult.) Or, if its impossible for you to step back and emotionally detach, limit contact, set and enforce boundaries and give consequences... if continuing even limited contact with your bpd parent only inflicts fresh emotional injury on you, then perhaps its better to go No Contact for a while. There isn't any one best way or right way to manage having a relationship with a bpd parent; some adult Kids Of bpd parents can manage limited contact, others need No Contact. Its about finding what will work best for you, individually. Welcome; I hope you find peace and healing, support and validation here. Its a good bunch of people here who totally " get it. " -Annie > > hello all, > I am new to this group and hoping it will help me regain my sanity. After 20 years of turbulence (I'm 31 years old) in my relationship with my mother, after much therapy and research, I have come to the conclusion that she has BPD. > > She is undiagnosed and high-functioning. She has very few family/friends in her life, and divided those of us in her life into what I call the 'approved' and 'evil' lists. In other words, her boyfriend, sister and son (my brother) can get away with murder whereas her ex=husband (my father), her mother and myself (her daughter) could kiss her feet and wait on her hand and foot, and she would still somehow find a way to twist our actions to align with her paranoia that we are out to get her. A perfect example of this is when I made her dinner a few months ago. She said she loved it, but afterwards went out on the patio and started crying. God only knows how she could've interpreted this action as anything other than loving. > > Since I was 8 or 9, my mother has periodically had emotional outbursts and rages mainly directed at me (sometimes my father and sister) centered around how we don't respect or appreciate her. Then the next day and/or when in the company of friends or extended family, she will act completely normal and charming -- her old self -- like nothing happened. > > She will offer to do anything and everything for you, and then months or years later, she will throw it in your face when anything goes wrong. The other day I confronted her about the fact that she never answers my texts and could she please extend me that courtesy because it hurts my feelings when she doesn't. Her response was to write me a SCATHING email about how ungrateful I am and list all of the things she does for me and how unthankful and disrespectful I am and I should just say thank you and not " bludgeon her with words " whenever she messes up. I have found that no matter how gentle or diplomatic I am with my words, she feels attacked when I express any needs in our relationship. > > The worst part is that no one believes me -- my siblings blame ME for 'provoking her' and my father and boyfriend, while they think she is in the wrong, blame me for engaging her because 'you know how she is -- she's not going to change.' I think I have just had a hard time letting her hurtful actions go without addressing them because accepting she will never change is like admitting I don't -- and may never again -- have a mother, and I need a mother > > I mentioned my suspicion of BPD to my mother's therapist in October, but she brushed it off and told me that I just need to choose my timing with my mother better -- let her sulk when she's upset instead of confronting her because she always explodes when she's angry. This seems like only PART of the problem, not the ROOT of the problem. The even worse news is that my mother has started quoting her therapist to me -- telling me that I can't keep blaming her for my own unhappiness and that I use deflection as a defense mechanism. In other words, I think her therapist is actually making the situation worse by giving her deflection, emotional blackmail and splitting even MORE ammunition. > > I feel so alone and like a horrible daughter, but I told her I can't talk to her anymore. I just have nothing left to give, and whenever we do make progress, it's always 2 steps forward, 10 back. > > Thanks for listening. > Lindsey > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 3, 2012 Report Share Posted February 3, 2012 Hi Lindsey, The behavior you describe coming from you family and your mom's therapist remind me of stories in the book " Stop Walking on Eggshells. " This is a book everyone suspecting BPD in a loved one should read. Most of us have similar stories of trying to avoid upsetting the BPD in our lives--often in dysfunctional and ludicrous ways. But for many of us, avoiding the situation either stops working for us, or it never worked. Those who scream " don't rock the BPD's boat " are usually the people who are not currently receiving the BPD's anger. It is very difficult when we seek help professional help to deal with this because family members in denial are often threatened as much as the BPD in our lives. And yes, often therapists are sucked into the BPD's crocodile tears and don't see their client for who they really are. OR, some therapists' goal is to get their client healthy and confident to overcome the problem that brought them into therapy. In the later scenario, it is not in the best interest to diagnose BPD (considered untreatable by many), instead it is better to validate the client and teach them a couple home management tools to avoid upset and anxiety. So don't expect your mother's treatment to fix her--it will probably just make her like herself more. > > hello all, > I am new to this group and hoping it will help me regain my sanity. After 20 years of turbulence (I'm 31 years old) in my relationship with my mother, after much therapy and research, I have come to the conclusion that she has BPD. > > She is undiagnosed and high-functioning. She has very few family/friends in her life, and divided those of us in her life into what I call the 'approved' and 'evil' lists. In other words, her boyfriend, sister and son (my brother) can get away with murder whereas her ex=husband (my father), her mother and myself (her daughter) could kiss her feet and wait on her hand and foot, and she would still somehow find a way to twist our actions to align with her paranoia that we are out to get her. A perfect example of this is when I made her dinner a few months ago. She said she loved it, but afterwards went out on the patio and started crying. God only knows how she could've interpreted this action as anything other than loving. > > Since I was 8 or 9, my mother has periodically had emotional outbursts and rages mainly directed at me (sometimes my father and sister) centered around how we don't respect or appreciate her. Then the next day and/or when in the company of friends or extended family, she will act completely normal and charming -- her old self -- like nothing happened. > > She will offer to do anything and everything for you, and then months or years later, she will throw it in your face when anything goes wrong. The other day I confronted her about the fact that she never answers my texts and could she please extend me that courtesy because it hurts my feelings when she doesn't. Her response was to write me a SCATHING email about how ungrateful I am and list all of the things she does for me and how unthankful and disrespectful I am and I should just say thank you and not " bludgeon her with words " whenever she messes up. I have found that no matter how gentle or diplomatic I am with my words, she feels attacked when I express any needs in our relationship. > > The worst part is that no one believes me -- my siblings blame ME for 'provoking her' and my father and boyfriend, while they think she is in the wrong, blame me for engaging her because 'you know how she is -- she's not going to change.' I think I have just had a hard time letting her hurtful actions go without addressing them because accepting she will never change is like admitting I don't -- and may never again -- have a mother, and I need a mother > > I mentioned my suspicion of BPD to my mother's therapist in October, but she brushed it off and told me that I just need to choose my timing with my mother better -- let her sulk when she's upset instead of confronting her because she always explodes when she's angry. This seems like only PART of the problem, not the ROOT of the problem. The even worse news is that my mother has started quoting her therapist to me -- telling me that I can't keep blaming her for my own unhappiness and that I use deflection as a defense mechanism. In other words, I think her therapist is actually making the situation worse by giving her deflection, emotional blackmail and splitting even MORE ammunition. > > I feel so alone and like a horrible daughter, but I told her I can't talk to her anymore. I just have nothing left to give, and whenever we do make progress, it's always 2 steps forward, 10 back. > > Thanks for listening. > Lindsey > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 4, 2012 Report Share Posted February 4, 2012 Lindsey I just recently joined the group too and what you're describing, describes my life to a tee!! I am so glad to finally have people that I can talk to and that can also relate to all the madness that surrounds our lives. As I read peoples stories, coping strategies and responses I can feel the weights being lifted from our shoulders. I hope with time it does get better!!! Thanks for posting what's going on (because you have described my life perfectly with your message). Amy > > hello all, > I am new to this group and hoping it will help me regain my sanity. After 20 years of turbulence (I'm 31 years old) in my relationship with my mother, after much therapy and research, I have come to the conclusion that she has BPD. > > She is undiagnosed and high-functioning. She has very few family/friends in her life, and divided those of us in her life into what I call the 'approved' and 'evil' lists. In other words, her boyfriend, sister and son (my brother) can get away with murder whereas her ex=husband (my father), her mother and myself (her daughter) could kiss her feet and wait on her hand and foot, and she would still somehow find a way to twist our actions to align with her paranoia that we are out to get her. A perfect example of this is when I made her dinner a few months ago. She said she loved it, but afterwards went out on the patio and started crying. God only knows how she could've interpreted this action as anything other than loving. > > Since I was 8 or 9, my mother has periodically had emotional outbursts and rages mainly directed at me (sometimes my father and sister) centered around how we don't respect or appreciate her. Then the next day and/or when in the company of friends or extended family, she will act completely normal and charming -- her old self -- like nothing happened. > > She will offer to do anything and everything for you, and then months or years later, she will throw it in your face when anything goes wrong. The other day I confronted her about the fact that she never answers my texts and could she please extend me that courtesy because it hurts my feelings when she doesn't. Her response was to write me a SCATHING email about how ungrateful I am and list all of the things she does for me and how unthankful and disrespectful I am and I should just say thank you and not " bludgeon her with words " whenever she messes up. I have found that no matter how gentle or diplomatic I am with my words, she feels attacked when I express any needs in our relationship. > > The worst part is that no one believes me -- my siblings blame ME for 'provoking her' and my father and boyfriend, while they think she is in the wrong, blame me for engaging her because 'you know how she is -- she's not going to change.' I think I have just had a hard time letting her hurtful actions go without addressing them because accepting she will never change is like admitting I don't -- and may never again -- have a mother, and I need a mother > > I mentioned my suspicion of BPD to my mother's therapist in October, but she brushed it off and told me that I just need to choose my timing with my mother better -- let her sulk when she's upset instead of confronting her because she always explodes when she's angry. This seems like only PART of the problem, not the ROOT of the problem. The even worse news is that my mother has started quoting her therapist to me -- telling me that I can't keep blaming her for my own unhappiness and that I use deflection as a defense mechanism. In other words, I think her therapist is actually making the situation worse by giving her deflection, emotional blackmail and splitting even MORE ammunition. > > I feel so alone and like a horrible daughter, but I told her I can't talk to her anymore. I just have nothing left to give, and whenever we do make progress, it's always 2 steps forward, 10 back. > > Thanks for listening. > Lindsey > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 5, 2012 Report Share Posted February 5, 2012 I second the suggestion that you read Stop Walking on Eggshells. As you do, you will see SO much of the story you just shared on its pages. Also , check out the resources on BPD Central.com. As to your Mom s Therapist. A few points. BPD is very hard to diagnose, as they are consumate gameplayers. It is even harder to treat. Many therapists are caught up in the deceptions for a time, until they begin to become the object of the manipulations. Many of my T friends will only treat a limited number of BPD s at any given time, or not treat at all, because they are so very resistant to change and growth, and so extremely demanding of time and psychic energy. They will drain you dry!! It is a very tempting choice to try to " get her healthy " , by telling her she is a BP, talking to her T, or her MD, trying to get her to read books on the subject. None of these things have good percentages of success. A BPD can manipulate all of these efforts so as to stay the victim, be the hero, avoid changing anything, ever, and making You the villian. We use the term FOG to describe how our BP parent manipulated us: Fear, Obligation, Guilt. Everything they say or do concerning us, their kids, ( KO s, ) comes out of that FOG bank to get them what they want. As tempting as it is, you cannot heal her. What you can do is choose to heal yourself. You can make the choices and establish the boundaries that let you move to toward mental and emotional health. You can see your OWN Therapist, for your own healing and issues. You can refuse to have those converstations or text exchanges. You can block her emails. You can avoid asking her for anything, because of your certain knowledge that a dollar s worth of giving on her part is not the generous act of love we might expect from our mom, but a trap with a thousand dollars worth of obligation and guilt attached to it. We must either live as the pawn in their game, or make some hard choices. We can realize that, sadly, we truly do not have a Mom. What we have is a Nada ( not a mother.) . We are not, and this is awfully painful, her beloved child, but rather an extension of her own sense of self, bred for the sole purpose of fulfilling her needs. We can therefore, painfully, make the choice that this is not who we will be. Some guilt and remorse may come with these actions. We will never have the life, and relationship with a healthy, loving Mom we hoped for and deserved. Yet we can have a healty and happy life. We can permit Mom to have some contact with us as long as she abides by the boundaries we set for our own health. That may translate to no contact at all. But we must be the ones to make the choices required for our emotional health. She will never do so, for us, or for herself. She is all about holding up the walls of her fragile existance, and will use anyone to do so. The first step to healing is recognizing the problem. I hope you choose to heal. You can, and you are worth it. My wish always, for all of us KOs, is, May we all heal. Doug > > hello all, > I am new to this group and hoping it will help me regain my sanity. After 20 years of turbulence (I'm 31 years old) in my relationship with my mother, after much therapy and research, I have come to the conclusion that she has BPD. > > She is undiagnosed and high-functioning. She has very few family/friends in her life, and divided those of us in her life into what I call the 'approved' and 'evil' lists. In other words, her boyfriend, sister and son (my brother) can get away with murder whereas her ex=husband (my father), her mother and myself (her daughter) could kiss her feet and wait on her hand and foot, and she would still somehow find a way to twist our actions to align with her paranoia that we are out to get her. A perfect example of this is when I made her dinner a few months ago. She said she loved it, but afterwards went out on the patio and started crying. God only knows how she could've interpreted this action as anything other than loving. > > Since I was 8 or 9, my mother has periodically had emotional outbursts and rages mainly directed at me (sometimes my father and sister) centered around how we don't respect or appreciate her. Then the next day and/or when in the company of friends or extended family, she will act completely normal and charming -- her old self -- like nothing happened. > > She will offer to do anything and everything for you, and then months or years later, she will throw it in your face when anything goes wrong. The other day I confronted her about the fact that she never answers my texts and could she please extend me that courtesy because it hurts my feelings when she doesn't. Her response was to write me a SCATHING email about how ungrateful I am and list all of the things she does for me and how unthankful and disrespectful I am and I should just say thank you and not " bludgeon her with words " whenever she messes up. I have found that no matter how gentle or diplomatic I am with my words, she feels attacked when I express any needs in our relationship. > > The worst part is that no one believes me -- my siblings blame ME for 'provoking her' and my father and boyfriend, while they think she is in the wrong, blame me for engaging her because 'you know how she is -- she's not going to change.' I think I have just had a hard time letting her hurtful actions go without addressing them because accepting she will never change is like admitting I don't -- and may never again -- have a mother, and I need a mother > > I mentioned my suspicion of BPD to my mother's therapist in October, but she brushed it off and told me that I just need to choose my timing with my mother better -- let her sulk when she's upset instead of confronting her because she always explodes when she's angry. This seems like only PART of the problem, not the ROOT of the problem. The even worse news is that my mother has started quoting her therapist to me -- telling me that I can't keep blaming her for my own unhappiness and that I use deflection as a defense mechanism. In other words, I think her therapist is actually making the situation worse by giving her deflection, emotional blackmail and splitting even MORE ammunition. > > I feel so alone and like a horrible daughter, but I told her I can't talk to her anymore. I just have nothing left to give, and whenever we do make progress, it's always 2 steps forward, 10 back. > > Thanks for listening. > Lindsey > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You are posting as a guest. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.