Guest guest Posted February 5, 2012 Report Share Posted February 5, 2012 Hey all, I ve been quite busy for a while, and not able to post, or work on my book or articles, and my fingers are in withdrawal! I have been skimming posts and had an observation. Magic. Many of us escaped the awful realities of our lives with a BP family in fantasy. We read comics, adventures, romances. We entered other worlds in our minds that all had one thing to recommmend them to us: They were not our own. For our own were full of pain and fear. When we try, as adults, to deal with a reality that involves intolerable relationships with our mother, we often indulge in " thinking the Magic back. " Once we come to understand that the mental illness and emotional instablility that surrounds Mom has a name, and definite parameters, we seek that peice of special magic that will give us what we want. It is not so much to ask really; just a mom who will love us and nurture us. That is not extravegant. Perhaps, if we tell her what the problem is, she will magically wake up and realize it and go get help. Maybe, if we confront her about her bad behaviours, she will feel remorse and apologize and stop acting badly. We might get her to promise us. Make her read a book. Talk to her Therapist. Get our siblings or other parents, or step parents to agree with us. We could do an intervention, force her to get help. We ll all have a good cry together, and she ll go away for 6 weeks, and come back a different person. Ah, these are all such attractive fantasies, and we want so much for one of them to be true in the real world. We want her to stop acting as she does, and to love us as we feel we deserve. But the magic is not here. It doesn t require magic for her, it requires hard acceptance of her conditions, and hard and painful work to manage it. It requires her to admit, yes , I m ok, and worth while, now lets change everything about me. Most won t make that decision. Perhaps, the magic could just make the pain and hard decisions to go away from us. But no, that magic is not there either. Just as we did not get to choose having an emotionally warped, personality disordered mom, we don t get to choose not to have it affect us. But just as there IS some simple, everyday magic in the world, as every gardener who plants in the spring knows, there are simple , everyday magics we can work on ourselves. We cannot make choices for her, but we can for ourselves. We can permit ourselves to do what we need for a healthy life, even if that means becoming the adult to our moms child, and setting boundaries and consequences. We can, in worst case scenarios, reckon ourselves as orphans , not war orphans, but orphans of the fog. We can deal with the grief and sadness that involves, but , just like a war orphan, we can heal from the grief, and go on to live a happy , healthy life, despite our loss. A happy , laughing child, who lost his parents years before, but now has claimed his share of happiness from life, is a special kind of everyday magic. That magic is real. That magic, we can claim. That magic can heal. And so, may we all heal. Doug Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 5, 2012 Report Share Posted February 5, 2012 Thanks Doug, You always write something that I find wisdom in. C Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 6, 2012 Report Share Posted February 6, 2012 Amen to that, Doug. Glad to see a post from you! Mia > > > > > Hey all, > > I ve been quite busy for a while, and not able to post, or work on my > book or articles, and my fingers are in withdrawal! I have been > skimming posts and had an observation. > > Magic. > > Many of us escaped the awful realities of our lives with a BP family in > fantasy. We read comics, adventures, romances. We entered other worlds > in our minds that all had one thing to recommmend them to us: They were > not our own. For our own were full of pain and fear. > > When we try, as adults, to deal with a reality that involves > intolerable relationships with our mother, we often indulge in " > thinking the Magic back. " Once we come to understand that the mental > illness and emotional instablility that surrounds Mom has a name, and > definite parameters, we seek that peice of special magic that will give > us what we want. It is not so much to ask really; just a mom who will > love us and nurture us. That is not extravegant. > > Perhaps, if we tell her what the problem is, she will magically wake up > and realize it and go get help. > > Maybe, if we confront her about her bad behaviours, she will feel > remorse and apologize and stop acting badly. > > We might get her to promise us. Make her read a book. Talk to her > Therapist. Get our siblings or other parents, or step parents to agree > with us. > > We could do an intervention, force her to get help. We ll all have a > good cry together, and she ll go away for 6 weeks, and come back a > different person. > > Ah, these are all such attractive fantasies, and we want so much for one > of them to be true in the real world. We want her to stop acting as she > does, and to love us as we feel we deserve. > > But the magic is not here. It doesn t require magic for her, it > requires hard acceptance of her conditions, and hard and painful work to > manage it. It requires her to admit, yes , I m ok, and worth while, now > lets change everything about me. Most won t make that decision. > > Perhaps, the magic could just make the pain and hard decisions to go > away from us. But no, that magic is not there either. Just as we did > not get to choose having an emotionally warped, personality disordered > mom, we don t get to choose not to have it affect us. > > But just as there IS some simple, everyday magic in the world, as every > gardener who plants in the spring knows, there are simple , everyday > magics we can work on ourselves. > > We cannot make choices for her, but we can for ourselves. > > We can permit ourselves to do what we need for a healthy life, even if > that means becoming the adult to our moms child, and setting boundaries > and consequences. We can, in worst case scenarios, reckon ourselves as > orphans , not war orphans, but orphans of the fog. We can deal with the > grief and sadness that involves, but , just like a war orphan, we can > heal from the grief, and go on to live a happy , healthy life, despite > our loss. A happy , laughing child, who lost his parents years before, > but now has claimed his share of happiness from life, is a special kind > of everyday magic. > > That magic is real. That magic, we can claim. That magic can heal. > > And so, may we all heal. > > Doug > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 7, 2012 Report Share Posted February 7, 2012 Beautiful!!! I needed that reminder. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 8, 2012 Report Share Posted February 8, 2012 On your first note i agree wholeheartedly. one of my greatest escape routs has always been the fantasy books that create a new reality. I like the idea of a world i can have some semblance of control in. A world where everything can be set right and there is a happily ever after as long as you slay the dragon. (think RA Salvador) The disappointment that comes afterward however is very strong. My dragon is figurative and I might not ever slay it. there is no band of merry friends and i have no control over the secrets of the world. However there as always something i thought i had control over, and that is me. yes you are right Douge i might never change my dad i need to change myself. i agree wholeheartedly. However of late i have found it hard to feel like i have control over even myself. the magic i have over myself seems to have been hijacked. its hard to really believe that you have the strength to put up the boundaries necessary. i hate being accused of jumping at shadows, but what do i do when i feel I'm being sucked back in to the attitudes preconceptions and paranoia's that took two years to extricate? How do i control the magic? any ideas? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 9, 2012 Report Share Posted February 9, 2012 Absolutely beautiful and so so true LT > > > Hey all, > > I ve been quite busy for a while, and not able to post, or work on my > book or articles, and my fingers are in withdrawal! I have been > skimming posts and had an observation. > > Magic. > > Many of us escaped the awful realities of our lives with a BP family in > fantasy. We read comics, adventures, romances. We entered other worlds > in our minds that all had one thing to recommmend them to us: They were > not our own. For our own were full of pain and fear. > > When we try, as adults, to deal with a reality that involves > intolerable relationships with our mother, we often indulge in " > thinking the Magic back. " Once we come to understand that the mental > illness and emotional instablility that surrounds Mom has a name, and > definite parameters, we seek that peice of special magic that will give > us what we want. It is not so much to ask really; just a mom who will > love us and nurture us. That is not extravegant. > > Perhaps, if we tell her what the problem is, she will magically wake up > and realize it and go get help. > > Maybe, if we confront her about her bad behaviours, she will feel > remorse and apologize and stop acting badly. > > We might get her to promise us. Make her read a book. Talk to her > Therapist. Get our siblings or other parents, or step parents to agree > with us. > > We could do an intervention, force her to get help. We ll all have a > good cry together, and she ll go away for 6 weeks, and come back a > different person. > > Ah, these are all such attractive fantasies, and we want so much for one > of them to be true in the real world. We want her to stop acting as she > does, and to love us as we feel we deserve. > > But the magic is not here. It doesn t require magic for her, it > requires hard acceptance of her conditions, and hard and painful work to > manage it. It requires her to admit, yes , I m ok, and worth while, now > lets change everything about me. Most won t make that decision. > > Perhaps, the magic could just make the pain and hard decisions to go > away from us. But no, that magic is not there either. Just as we did > not get to choose having an emotionally warped, personality disordered > mom, we don t get to choose not to have it affect us. > > But just as there IS some simple, everyday magic in the world, as every > gardener who plants in the spring knows, there are simple , everyday > magics we can work on ourselves. > > We cannot make choices for her, but we can for ourselves. > > We can permit ourselves to do what we need for a healthy life, even if > that means becoming the adult to our moms child, and setting boundaries > and consequences. We can, in worst case scenarios, reckon ourselves as > orphans , not war orphans, but orphans of the fog. We can deal with the > grief and sadness that involves, but , just like a war orphan, we can > heal from the grief, and go on to live a happy , healthy life, despite > our loss. A happy , laughing child, who lost his parents years before, > but now has claimed his share of happiness from life, is a special kind > of everyday magic. > > That magic is real. That magic, we can claim. That magic can heal. > > And so, may we all heal. > > > > Doug > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 10, 2012 Report Share Posted February 10, 2012 The point of my writing about Magical Thinking, is that there is truly no magic. There is only us. We have hope and strength, as we learn and grow beyond what being a KO has made us. But like the old joke about the guy who says " Dr whenever I do this, it hurts " , the answer is stop doing that. If smoking is making me sick, I need to stop. If I m allergic to peanuts, I need to give up my Reese s cups. And if I m being made unhealthy by a person, I need to limit or eliminate contact. No BP will ever permit you to get healthier and more independant. However, as you grow strong enough, and healthy enough, you can reach the point at which you can set boundaries and enforce them. You are not jumping at shadows. You are jumping at the real , flickering shadows caused by the gaslighting of a personality disordered person. I encourage you to do what you must to grow. Limit contact, seek therapy, educate yourself about the realities of bpd by reading. In all these things is power. Doug > > > On your first note i agree wholeheartedly. one of my greatest escape routs has always been the fantasy books that create a new reality. I like the idea of a world i can have some semblance of control in. A world where everything can be set right and there is a happily ever after as long as you slay the dragon. (think RA Salvador) > > The disappointment that comes afterward however is very strong. My dragon is figurative and I might not ever slay it. there is no band of merry friends and i have no control over the secrets of the world. However there as always something i thought i had control over, and that is me. > > yes you are right Douge i might never change my dad i need to change myself. i agree wholeheartedly. However of late i have found it hard to feel like i have control over even myself. the magic i have over myself seems to have been hijacked. its hard to really believe that you have the strength to put up the boundaries necessary. i hate being accused of jumping at shadows, > but what do i do when i feel I'm being sucked back in to the attitudes preconceptions and paranoia's that took two years to extricate? > How do i control the magic? any ideas? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 13, 2012 Report Share Posted February 13, 2012 yes doug i agree, healing can indeed feel a little like magic at times, and with it, we can begin to feel real happiness and growth in life. the road may be long and a bit rough at times but the work involved is soooo well worth it i have found. hang in there verybody and don't give up till your magic and miracles begin for you. love to all, ann Subject: Magical Thinking To: WTOAdultChildren1 Date: Sunday, February 5, 2012, 2:39 PM  Hey all, I ve been quite busy for a while, and not able to post, or work on my book or articles, and my fingers are in withdrawal! I have been skimming posts and had an observation. Magic. Many of us escaped the awful realities of our lives with a BP family in fantasy. We read comics, adventures, romances. We entered other worlds in our minds that all had one thing to recommmend them to us: They were not our own. For our own were full of pain and fear. When we try, as adults, to deal with a reality that involves intolerable relationships with our mother, we often indulge in " thinking the Magic back. " Once we come to understand that the mental illness and emotional instablility that surrounds Mom has a name, and definite parameters, we seek that peice of special magic that will give us what we want. It is not so much to ask really; just a mom who will love us and nurture us. That is not extravegant. Perhaps, if we tell her what the problem is, she will magically wake up and realize it and go get help. Maybe, if we confront her about her bad behaviours, she will feel remorse and apologize and stop acting badly. We might get her to promise us. Make her read a book. Talk to her Therapist. Get our siblings or other parents, or step parents to agree with us. We could do an intervention, force her to get help. We ll all have a good cry together, and she ll go away for 6 weeks, and come back a different person. Ah, these are all such attractive fantasies, and we want so much for one of them to be true in the real world. We want her to stop acting as she does, and to love us as we feel we deserve. But the magic is not here. It doesn t require magic for her, it requires hard acceptance of her conditions, and hard and painful work to manage it. It requires her to admit, yes , I m ok, and worth while, now lets change everything about me. Most won t make that decision. Perhaps, the magic could just make the pain and hard decisions to go away from us. But no, that magic is not there either. Just as we did not get to choose having an emotionally warped, personality disordered mom, we don t get to choose not to have it affect us. But just as there IS some simple, everyday magic in the world, as every gardener who plants in the spring knows, there are simple , everyday magics we can work on ourselves. We cannot make choices for her, but we can for ourselves. We can permit ourselves to do what we need for a healthy life, even if that means becoming the adult to our moms child, and setting boundaries and consequences. We can, in worst case scenarios, reckon ourselves as orphans , not war orphans, but orphans of the fog. We can deal with the grief and sadness that involves, but , just like a war orphan, we can heal from the grief, and go on to live a happy , healthy life, despite our loss. A happy , laughing child, who lost his parents years before, but now has claimed his share of happiness from life, is a special kind of everyday magic. That magic is real. That magic, we can claim. That magic can heal. And so, may we all heal. Doug Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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