Guest guest Posted February 4, 2012 Report Share Posted February 4, 2012 Hello all I have just recently discovered within the last 3 months (when I started therapy again) that my mother has BPD (even though she has never been diagnosed with BPD their is no doubt in my mind that's what it is). I went into therapy to deal with all the issues/problems/everything from my past that I have grown up with, only to discover this about my mom. It is such a relief to finally find out what it is and that there is an answer for the all the rants, rages, guilt trips and everything associated with BPD. Now my question to everyone is this: my family of origin (mother, brother, and sister) have no idea about this, nor do they think anything is wrong with my mom. She has always taken out her rants on me since I was little (which have continued into adulthood, I am now 28) and as I've gotten older I have distanced myself more and more since I went to college so that I don't have to be around her. How do I go about relaying this information to my brother and sister (whom worship the ground my mom walks on and whom believe everything that she says about me)? I'd like to be close with them but we have a very different view of our mother. Also, my mom clearly doesn't know this about herself, how do I continue a relationship with her when I'm always waiting for the rants/raves and yellings that usually come with every encounter I have with her? I don't want to be around her or talk to her when I'm always waiting for the bomb to drop.....I'm very glad to have people that understand this, more than I can even say!!!!!!! Thanks! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 6, 2012 Report Share Posted February 6, 2012 Hi there, I'm pretty new to all of this as well. A little over a year ago my family fell apart because of what we suspect is my father's BPD, and I can relate to being in the position of trying to navigate a relationship with a sibling in the midst of all of it. In my case, my brother and his wife were the targets of my father's attacks, and I am the " good " one. What I can tell you, is that my brother and I have worked really hard to stay in communication with each other, and now we are doing ok with our relationship, separate from either of our relationships with our dad. I think one of the most important reasons this has been possible is because my bro and I made a point to talk to each other and be understanding of eachother's opinions, and he made it very clear that he did not expect me to denounce our father, or take a stand, or do anything that I wasn't comfortable with. He avoided trying to make me " take his side " , and made sure that I didn't feel pressure to do anything on his behalf. This made it a lot easier for us to continue to relate to each other in a way that isn't completely wrapped up in the tension, sadness, and anger that is associated with our father. So, I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's definitely possible for you to have an independent relationship with your siblings. But it may require that you not expect them to change their minds about your mother, and they will have to respect the choices that you have to make to protect yourself. Best of luck to you. > > Hello all > I have just recently discovered within the last 3 months (when I started therapy again) that my mother has BPD (even though she has never been diagnosed with BPD their is no doubt in my mind that's what it is). I went into therapy to deal with all the issues/problems/everything from my past that I have grown up with, only to discover this about my mom. It is such a relief to finally find out what it is and that there is an answer for the all the rants, rages, guilt trips and everything associated with BPD. Now my question to everyone is this: my family of origin (mother, brother, and sister) have no idea about this, nor do they think anything is wrong with my mom. She has always taken out her rants on me since I was little (which have continued into adulthood, I am now 28) and as I've gotten older I have distanced myself more and more since I went to college so that I don't have to be around her. How do I go about relaying this information to my brother and sister (whom worship the ground my mom walks on and whom believe everything that she says about me)? I'd like to be close with them but we have a very different view of our mother. Also, my mom clearly doesn't know this about herself, how do I continue a relationship with her when I'm always waiting for the rants/raves and yellings that usually come with every encounter I have with her? I don't want to be around her or talk to her when I'm always waiting for the bomb to drop.....I'm very glad to have people that understand this, more than I can even say!!!!!!! Thanks! > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 6, 2012 Report Share Posted February 6, 2012 Hello trac4x400, If your siblings don't think there is anything wrong and don't see how your nada (that's our term for our mothers won't don't act like mothers should act) treats you, there's a good chance that they won't listen if you try to tell them that you think she has BPD. It is often hard for people to see reality when a family member is involved. I think you have to agree to disagree with them and not talk much about that subject if you want to develop a better relationship with them. Once you have a better relationship they may start seeing through her lies and realize that she has a problem. As long as you aren't close to them, trying to make them see the light is more likely to prevent you from getting closer than it is to make them change their minds. You should try not to put them in the middle of your relationship with your mother. As for your relationship with her, one important step is to accept that you can't change her. You can however change how you react to her. You can come up with some boundaries and enforce them. Boundaries define what behavior you will and won't accept from her. They're not rules for her as such, but rather they're there to help you define what you'll put up with before taking steps of some sort. To go with the boundaries, you need to decide what steps you'll take when she tries to violate them. I'll give you an example. One of my boundaries is that my nada is not allowed to say nasty things to me about the people I care about. When she starts bad-mouthing my sister, I tell her we're not going to discuss that subject. If she continues, I hang up the phone or leave. She has the right to say whatever she wants, but I have the right not to listen to it. I've never told her outright what my rules are. That would only provoke bad behavior from her. I just take the steps I've decided on whenever she breaks my rules. If your nada rants and raves every time you have contact with her, you might want to say something like " I can tell you are upset. Maybe this isn't a good time to talk/visit. Let's try again when you're calmer " then end the conversation/visit. The idea is to protect yourself from getting to the point where she can drop the bomb. Accomplishing this may take some practice and may provoke more bad behavior in the short run, but in the long run it may let you have a limited relationship that isn't unhealthy for you. At 04:12 PM 02/04/2012 trac4x400 wrote: >Hello all > I have just recently discovered within the last 3 months > (when I started therapy again) that my mother has BPD (even > though she has never been diagnosed with BPD their is no doubt > in my mind that's what it is). I went into therapy to deal > with all the issues/problems/everything from my past that I > have grown up with, only to discover this about my mom. It is > such a relief to finally find out what it is and that there is > an answer for the all the rants, rages, guilt trips and > everything associated with BPD. Now my question to everyone > is this: my family of origin (mother, brother, and sister) > have no idea about this, nor do they think anything is wrong > with my mom. She has always taken out her rants on me since I > was little (which have continued into adulthood, I am now 28) > and as I've gotten older I have distanced myself more and more > since I went to college so that I don't have to be around > her. How do I go about relaying this information to my > brother and sister (whom worship the ground my mom walks on > and whom believe everything that she says about me)? I'd like > to be close with them but we have a very different view of our > mother. Also, my mom clearly doesn't know this about herself, > how do I continue a relationship with her when I'm always > waiting for the rants/raves and yellings that usually come > with every encounter I have with her? I don't want to be > around her or talk to her when I'm always waiting for the bomb > to drop.....I'm very glad to have people that understand this, > more than I can even say!!!!!!! Thanks! -- Katrina Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 6, 2012 Report Share Posted February 6, 2012 Hiya, and I'm glad you finally have some answers. I am 34 and it was around 28 when I learned that my mother (I refer to her as 'nada' as in 'not a' real mother) likely suffers from undiagnosed BPD too. As for relaying information to your sibling & mother, I'm not sure I personally would go that route. If they are under her spell (so to speak) they may just see it as an attack on your mother, you know? At this point, my 2 cents is that you are now armed with some very empowering information that can best help YOU not only deal with what has happened with your mother & sibs, but can also help you learn how to do what is right for you in regards to any future communications. If you haven't read " stop walking on eggshells " or " understanding the borderline mother " , those are 2 excellent books I would recommend to help you understand all this a bit better. It's not to say that some time down the road there won't be an appropriate time to tell your sibs or your mother, but only you know your situation well enough to decide if now is that time. Good for you for going to therapy too, that's what has helped me so so much. I think it's key for us " KOs " (Kids Of [borderline parents]). Best of luck to you and remember that you are the only one who truly knows your situation best. Mia > > > > Hello all > I have just recently discovered within the last 3 months (when I started therapy again) that my mother has BPD (even though she has never been diagnosed with BPD their is no doubt in my mind that's what it is). I went into therapy to deal with all the issues/problems/everything from my past that I have grown up with, only to discover this about my mom. It is such a relief to finally find out what it is and that there is an answer for the all the rants, rages, guilt trips and everything associated with BPD. Now my question to everyone is this: my family of origin (mother, brother, and sister) have no idea about this, nor do they think anything is wrong with my mom. She has always taken out her rants on me since I was little (which have continued into adulthood, I am now 28) and as I've gotten older I have distanced myself more and more since I went to college so that I don't have to be around her. How do I go about relaying this information to my brother and sister (whom worship the ground my mom walks on and whom believe everything that she says about me)? I'd like to be close with them but we have a very different view of our mother. Also, my mom clearly doesn't know this about herself, how do I continue a relationship with her when I'm always waiting for the rants/raves and yellings that usually come with every encounter I have with her? I don't want to be around her or talk to her when I'm always waiting for the bomb to drop.....I'm very glad to have people that understand this, more than I can even say!!!!!!! Thanks! > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 7, 2012 Report Share Posted February 7, 2012 HI, I'm fairly new here too have read so much here and in print to find that this is the only place I can really be understood (and understand.) I'm working through some of the same issues, ie: how to continue a relationship, set boundaries, control how I react, wanting so much to tell her and help her start recovery. *I* want so much for her to awaken from her black hole and acknowledge her set of unhealthy reaction/coping mechanisms. Yet, my NADA like so many others thinks *I'm* the one with the problems. (projection, blame, guilt, shame, etc) I almost slipped and told her what's wrong with her in my last telephone converstaion of 'her stratching clawing to get to me-me holding her off, boundaries firm.' On of the biggest things that has helped is that I have come to rationally understand that I can't fix her or help her if she doesn't see there is a problem. However, emotionally, I long to jump in and save her. I love her, but I cannot continue the rollercoaster ride with her. I am coming to believe it is an ever ending situation: tightly control my reactions/emotions(not be myself), maintain boundaries, limit contact, maintain boundaries, limit personal info she has about me, maintain boundaries. I am also realizing this isn't the kind of relationship I want to be in. Yet, she's my mother and I do love her. I just don't like what she has become in the last few years. Where does this leave me? Other people don't see the problem, how do I have a relationship with them? This is all new and mindblowing for me. Feel familiar? Your story feels familiar to me. As so many others do here as well. I wish there was just an answer and then we can get back to the happy normal loving family I dream about. I am starting to understand that this will be a way of life, not a short term intervention. This illness isn't like the flu; a small sick period then back to being healthy. It's Nada's way of life, but it's not a lifestyle I want to be part of. Where does this leave someone in this situation? Time will tell. Maintain boundaries.Controlled interaction.Maintain boundaries.Controlled interaction.Maintain boundaries.Maintain boundaries. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 8, 2012 Report Share Posted February 8, 2012 I was in a similar position as you but on the flip side. I never believed my dad was g-ds gift to humanity but i certainly didnt see all the negative effects he had. Also growing up with him lead to the creation of a lot of bad habits on my part. When i finally went to therapy for my anger i began to realize that all is not rosey in the world. I started to see what my brother had been going through. i could commiserate even though I didnt experience a lot of his pain. I would suggest maybe give your siblings time. if they grew up with a mother with bpd they they will most likely need therapy themselves for things that my be seemingly unrelated. They might reach the conclusion that your mother is unhealthy on their own. Also even if they never seemed to get the full brunt of your moms bpd they definitely felt its effects, although they might not realize it but they need help safety and a net bellow them. Id say be there for our siblings if necessary avoid the elephant in the room. Find other points of connection with your siblings, dont look towards them to validate your experience. You went through hell and whether anyone acknowledges it or not you experienced it. be there for them when the time comes in a way they could never have been there for you. Every person has an inner strength and resolve they did not know they had. Like son says in her new song " what dosent kill you makes you stronger! " Have strength! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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