new here and looking for advice

[Guest guest]

I've just literally finished reading " Stop walking on eggshells " and feel as

though a lightbulb has gone off. My Dad has BPD, undiagnosed, and of course

there is major drama in his life. His mother was an alcoholic, and he has been

to therapy in the past. He says all therapists he has seen tell him he has ACAS

(adult children of alcoholics syndrome.) I believe he has both, with the

reading of BPD I have done. I understand that BPD's will go through many

therapists to find the " right one " (who only goes along with them.)

Frustrating, but I can accept it. I can also accept that I may never get him to

see his BPD, or get treatment for it. Difficult, yes, but I can come to terms

with that.

My issue is around setting limits/boundaries. My dad is a HF BPD. His father

(my grandfather) died at Christmas. My dad ended a relationship at the end of

November, met and started dating someone new within 2 weeks, and this woman

brought food to the hospital where my grandfather lay dying. My brother and I

were very upset by this. Her action is understandable: just dating someone new,

she doesn't know his history of BPD/behaviour/manipulation, and bringing food is

a nice gesture. I think he should have told her " thanks for the sentiment, and

I really appreciate it, but it's not appropriate for you to meet my family right

now " OR he could have met her in the parking lot. I see his actions,

manipulations (which I know really aren't on a conscious level for him, but I

don't know how else to word it) and she does not. This is his fourth woman in 9

years. He moves very quick between relationships, they progress at break-neck

speed, and end horribly. I told him of my thoughts on her coming to the

hospital, and he abruptly canceled our plans at Christmas. I got a text the day

before our plans, where he re-worded his cancellation of the plans to put the

decision whether he comes or not onto me.

In setting limits, my main issues are my kids. I have a 2 and 4 year old. The

4 year old still asks for his recent ex, and when we can see her and Grandpa

again. I do not want to have woman after woman in my kids' lives and explain

this to them. I am committed to giving my kids the stable life I didn't have,

and I am struggling with how I can have him in our lives, but with limits. A

recent email (days ago) suggested he is taking the position of not seeing us if

we don't allow her into our lives.

I am at a loss. We haven't spoken (aside from talking about a sick relative)

since our argument at the hospital. Any help/tips would be appreciated.

Thanks

J

[Guest guest]

Welcome to the Group, Janka. I'm sure there are other parents of small

children here who can relate to what you are going through, and give you their

insights and experience.

My suggestion is that the more crucial question is: aside from who your bpd dad

is dating at the moment, does he behave in an emotionally-disregulated,

irrational, scary, abusive way when he is around your children? Do his bpd

traits and behaviors upset the kids or make them anxious?

RE your bpd dad's romantic life, couldn't the children be told simply that " This

is grandpa's new friend Jane " , or " Grandpa's friend couldn't come this

time, but Jane is very nice, isn't she. " without much emotional context? I

don't think a child would be unduly upset by grandpa having more than one

" friend " unless this is upsetting to you; kids are good at reading their

parents' moods and taking their cue on how to feel about this or that event or

person by watching their parents' response.

I hope that helps.

-Annie

>

> I've just literally finished reading " Stop walking on eggshells " and feel as

though a lightbulb has gone off. My Dad has BPD, undiagnosed, and of course

there is major drama in his life. His mother was an alcoholic, and he has been

to therapy in the past. He says all therapists he has seen tell him he has ACAS

(adult children of alcoholics syndrome.) I believe he has both, with the

reading of BPD I have done. I understand that BPD's will go through many

therapists to find the " right one " (who only goes along with them.)

Frustrating, but I can accept it. I can also accept that I may never get him to

see his BPD, or get treatment for it. Difficult, yes, but I can come to terms

with that.

>

> My issue is around setting limits/boundaries. My dad is a HF BPD. His father

(my grandfather) died at Christmas. My dad ended a relationship at the end of

November, met and started dating someone new within 2 weeks, and this woman

brought food to the hospital where my grandfather lay dying. My brother and I

were very upset by this. Her action is understandable: just dating someone new,

she doesn't know his history of BPD/behaviour/manipulation, and bringing food is

a nice gesture. I think he should have told her " thanks for the sentiment, and

I really appreciate it, but it's not appropriate for you to meet my family right

now " OR he could have met her in the parking lot. I see his actions,

manipulations (which I know really aren't on a conscious level for him, but I

don't know how else to word it) and she does not. This is his fourth woman in 9

years. He moves very quick between relationships, they progress at break-neck

speed, and end horribly. I told him of my thoughts on her coming to the

hospital, and he abruptly canceled our plans at Christmas. I got a text the day

before our plans, where he re-worded his cancellation of the plans to put the

decision whether he comes or not onto me.

>

> In setting limits, my main issues are my kids. I have a 2 and 4 year old.

The 4 year old still asks for his recent ex, and when we can see her and Grandpa

again. I do not want to have woman after woman in my kids' lives and explain

this to them. I am committed to giving my kids the stable life I didn't have,

and I am struggling with how I can have him in our lives, but with limits. A

recent email (days ago) suggested he is taking the position of not seeing us if

we don't allow her into our lives.

>

> I am at a loss. We haven't spoken (aside from talking about a sick relative)

since our argument at the hospital. Any help/tips would be appreciated.

>

> Thanks

> J

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks for the response, Annie. The outside perspective helps. No, he does not

act out and rage in front of my kids, never has. My husband has seen it, but

not the kids. My main concern is the constant turn-around of women every three

years (that seems to be his cycle.) But, I like your point of it being more of

our reaction to it, and the kids getting their cues from us and how we

react/behave about it. Thank you for that.

I'm just wading through all of the drama that has taken over our family lately,

and trying to manage and set some limits to take control over my life.

Thanks again.

J

> >

> > I've just literally finished reading " Stop walking on eggshells " and feel as

though a lightbulb has gone off. My Dad has BPD, undiagnosed, and of course

there is major drama in his life. His mother was an alcoholic, and he has been

to therapy in the past. He says all therapists he has seen tell him he has ACAS

(adult children of alcoholics syndrome.) I believe he has both, with the

reading of BPD I have done. I understand that BPD's will go through many

therapists to find the " right one " (who only goes along with them.)

Frustrating, but I can accept it. I can also accept that I may never get him to

see his BPD, or get treatment for it. Difficult, yes, but I can come to terms

with that.

> >

> > My issue is around setting limits/boundaries. My dad is a HF BPD. His

father (my grandfather) died at Christmas. My dad ended a relationship at the

end of November, met and started dating someone new within 2 weeks, and this

woman brought food to the hospital where my grandfather lay dying. My brother

and I were very upset by this. Her action is understandable: just dating

someone new, she doesn't know his history of BPD/behaviour/manipulation, and

bringing food is a nice gesture. I think he should have told her " thanks for

the sentiment, and I really appreciate it, but it's not appropriate for you to

meet my family right now " OR he could have met her in the parking lot. I see

his actions, manipulations (which I know really aren't on a conscious level for

him, but I don't know how else to word it) and she does not. This is his fourth

woman in 9 years. He moves very quick between relationships, they progress at

break-neck speed, and end horribly. I told him of my thoughts on her coming to

the hospital, and he abruptly canceled our plans at Christmas. I got a text the

day before our plans, where he re-worded his cancellation of the plans to put

the decision whether he comes or not onto me.

> >

> > In setting limits, my main issues are my kids. I have a 2 and 4 year old.

The 4 year old still asks for his recent ex, and when we can see her and Grandpa

again. I do not want to have woman after woman in my kids' lives and explain

this to them. I am committed to giving my kids the stable life I didn't have,

and I am struggling with how I can have him in our lives, but with limits. A

recent email (days ago) suggested he is taking the position of not seeing us if

we don't allow her into our lives.

> >

> > I am at a loss. We haven't spoken (aside from talking about a sick

relative) since our argument at the hospital. Any help/tips would be

appreciated.

> >

> > Thanks

> > J

> >

>