Scary Grandmother Letter

[Guest guest]

Hi everyone,

Yesterday I received a truly horrible letter from one of my granparents. I have

been, quite necessarily, NC with my ENTIRE family for quite some time now. I

was not very close at all to this grandma, and suspect strongly she is bpd

herself. She called a few times (which I've ignored), but this is the first

I've really heard from her.

I've managed to block nada's and np-father's emails, and not subject myself to

the whole guilt trip thing. But this letter, I read it--and I shouldn't have.

Like I said, I don't know this relative well, and she's never fussed at me

before. This letter basically treated me like a kid who stole cookies and ran

to hide--trying to shame me for NC. Saying it was 'foolishness' and I needed to

'come home'. Interspersed, of course, with lots of we love yous. Of course.

The thing is, there is a violently abusive ex in my past. The letter did not

even ask what the reason was for me going NC, or if I was doing ok. It just

emphasized how bad I was by hurthing them so with my foolishness, how much pain

THEY were in, etc etc.

I have not been around them and I've forgotten how extremely invalidating

contact with them is. It's like I'm not a person at all, to be cared for, taken

seriously or listened to. Could it be POSSIBLE that I might have a valid reason

for what I'm doing? No, of course not. I am some kindof slave to them, who

must do what they say--I am not a real person. It was very frightening.

The worst of it is that I am losing work again. Whenever I have ANY kind of

contact from FOO, I end up involuntarily taking time off from work. And I am in

trouble with my boss now for it. I am behind on several deadlines (because my

office is an extremely busy one). I am supposed to be at work right now.

Contact with these clowns, even ONE way contact--it threatens my livelihood. It

threatens my ability to work! When I am in full NC, I never--repeat NEVER--miss

work for 'emotional' reasons. These people put me in flight or fight. ANd I do

the freeze response.

Note to self: do not read any more letters from grandmothers.

--Charlie

[Guest guest]

Total bpd if it has that affect on you.  But you have to go nc because you are

most important (and your work).  You will pull it back together because  you

have to and we've all learned to do whatever we have to.  And you will be fine,

and going nc.  My own twin (who, like nada, is bpd) went nc on me over a year

ago because of two things (complicated by her living 3000 miles away) and I

thought I would be devasted but have made it (with a whole lot more money in my

accounts too).  Be strong

[Guest guest]

(((((Charlie)))))

Please don't beat yourself up too much over this; we all yearn to have normal,

loving families of origin, and your yearning for this overcame your experience

and common sense. I think your renewed determination to remain in No Contact is

a wise one, given your individual situation: your physical safety RE your ex is

at stake, and you have the right to protect yourself from the negative physical

impact that having contact with any of your foo has on you.

So, your plan is that the next time a letter or card or phone message arrives,

it gets thrown in the trash without being opened or read, or it gets erased

without being listened to, right? I think that's the most workable solution.

That's what I had to do, myself. After I chose to go No Contact, I never read

anything my nada sent me or listened to her voicemail messages. It was a

devastating choice, and I wish I didn't have to go to that extreme, but I had

to choose my own survival. Like yourself, having contact with my nada began

causing an actual physical reaction in me; the symptoms were very like Meniere's

disease and incapacitated me for at least a half-day each time. It was due to

my own repressed rage, I'm willing to bet; I was too weak-willed, or too afraid

of unleashing my own anger to stand up to her and create boundaries and enforce

them; all I was able to do was withdraw: go No Contact. I suppose I was able

to do that because at least on some level I had stopped loving her. I think

that continuing to love someone who abuses you is like self-torture, and I

didn't want to torture myself any longer or accept being emotionally tortured by

nada.

-Annie

>

> Hi everyone,

>

> Yesterday I received a truly horrible letter from one of my granparents. I

have been, quite necessarily, NC with my ENTIRE family for quite some time now.

I was not very close at all to this grandma, and suspect strongly she is bpd

herself. She called a few times (which I've ignored), but this is the first

I've really heard from her.

>

> I've managed to block nada's and np-father's emails, and not subject myself to

the whole guilt trip thing. But this letter, I read it--and I shouldn't have.

Like I said, I don't know this relative well, and she's never fussed at me

before. This letter basically treated me like a kid who stole cookies and ran

to hide--trying to shame me for NC. Saying it was 'foolishness' and I needed to

'come home'. Interspersed, of course, with lots of we love yous. Of course.

>

> The thing is, there is a violently abusive ex in my past. The letter did not

even ask what the reason was for me going NC, or if I was doing ok. It just

emphasized how bad I was by hurthing them so with my foolishness, how much pain

THEY were in, etc etc.

>

> I have not been around them and I've forgotten how extremely invalidating

contact with them is. It's like I'm not a person at all, to be cared for, taken

seriously or listened to. Could it be POSSIBLE that I might have a valid reason

for what I'm doing? No, of course not. I am some kindof slave to them, who

must do what they say--I am not a real person. It was very frightening.

>

> The worst of it is that I am losing work again. Whenever I have ANY kind of

contact from FOO, I end up involuntarily taking time off from work. And I am in

trouble with my boss now for it. I am behind on several deadlines (because my

office is an extremely busy one). I am supposed to be at work right now.

Contact with these clowns, even ONE way contact--it threatens my livelihood. It

threatens my ability to work! When I am in full NC, I never--repeat NEVER--miss

work for 'emotional' reasons. These people put me in flight or fight. ANd I do

the freeze response.

>

> Note to self: do not read any more letters from grandmothers.

>

> --Charlie

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you SO much Annie (and too). These immediate responses mean so

much to me. They help me establish much needed safety and get back on track. I

think what's happening to me is that these contacts are traumas, and then I must

recover and re-process them. After a few hours of crying and journaling and

re-enactment self-therapy with a pillow, I am about to try to dive into my work

obligations. All the much harder because the act of dressing for work is a ptsd

trigger or my nada's physical abuse! Ah, the life of a KO.

> >

> > Hi everyone,

> >

> > Yesterday I received a truly horrible letter from one of my granparents. I

have been, quite necessarily, NC with my ENTIRE family for quite some time now.

I was not very close at all to this grandma, and suspect strongly she is bpd

herself. She called a few times (which I've ignored), but this is the first

I've really heard from her.

> >

> > I've managed to block nada's and np-father's emails, and not subject myself

to the whole guilt trip thing. But this letter, I read it--and I shouldn't

have. Like I said, I don't know this relative well, and she's never fussed at

me before. This letter basically treated me like a kid who stole cookies and

ran to hide--trying to shame me for NC. Saying it was 'foolishness' and I

needed to 'come home'. Interspersed, of course, with lots of we love yous. Of

course.

> >

> > The thing is, there is a violently abusive ex in my past. The letter did

not even ask what the reason was for me going NC, or if I was doing ok. It just

emphasized how bad I was by hurthing them so with my foolishness, how much pain

THEY were in, etc etc.

> >

> > I have not been around them and I've forgotten how extremely invalidating

contact with them is. It's like I'm not a person at all, to be cared for, taken

seriously or listened to. Could it be POSSIBLE that I might have a valid reason

for what I'm doing? No, of course not. I am some kindof slave to them, who

must do what they say--I am not a real person. It was very frightening.

> >

> > The worst of it is that I am losing work again. Whenever I have ANY kind of

contact from FOO, I end up involuntarily taking time off from work. And I am in

trouble with my boss now for it. I am behind on several deadlines (because my

office is an extremely busy one). I am supposed to be at work right now.

Contact with these clowns, even ONE way contact--it threatens my livelihood. It

threatens my ability to work! When I am in full NC, I never--repeat NEVER--miss

work for 'emotional' reasons. These people put me in flight or fight. ANd I do

the freeze response.

> >

> > Note to self: do not read any more letters from grandmothers.

> >

> > --Charlie

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Sorry this happened Charlie. I've been there with the ambush letter - it can be

devastating. You've done so much hard work on your recovery and you don't need

unexpected relatives popping up to retrigger you. There should be a law against

it...in an ideal world. I think you are on the money that the complete absence

of your grandmother expressing real concern for you or why you've chosen to cut

off says all you need to know. Stay strong and true to you!

Eliza

>

> Hi everyone,

>

> Yesterday I received a truly horrible letter from one of my granparents. I

have been, quite necessarily, NC with my ENTIRE family for quite some time now.

I was not very close at all to this grandma, and suspect strongly she is bpd

herself. She called a few times (which I've ignored), but this is the first

I've really heard from her.

>

> I've managed to block nada's and np-father's emails, and not subject myself to

the whole guilt trip thing. But this letter, I read it--and I shouldn't have.

Like I said, I don't know this relative well, and she's never fussed at me

before. This letter basically treated me like a kid who stole cookies and ran

to hide--trying to shame me for NC. Saying it was 'foolishness' and I needed to

'come home'. Interspersed, of course, with lots of we love yous. Of course.

>

> The thing is, there is a violently abusive ex in my past. The letter did not

even ask what the reason was for me going NC, or if I was doing ok. It just

emphasized how bad I was by hurthing them so with my foolishness, how much pain

THEY were in, etc etc.

>

> I have not been around them and I've forgotten how extremely invalidating

contact with them is. It's like I'm not a person at all, to be cared for, taken

seriously or listened to. Could it be POSSIBLE that I might have a valid reason

for what I'm doing? No, of course not. I am some kindof slave to them, who

must do what they say--I am not a real person. It was very frightening.

>

> The worst of it is that I am losing work again. Whenever I have ANY kind of

contact from FOO, I end up involuntarily taking time off from work. And I am in

trouble with my boss now for it. I am behind on several deadlines (because my

office is an extremely busy one). I am supposed to be at work right now.

Contact with these clowns, even ONE way contact--it threatens my livelihood. It

threatens my ability to work! When I am in full NC, I never--repeat NEVER--miss

work for 'emotional' reasons. These people put me in flight or fight. ANd I do

the freeze response.

>

> Note to self: do not read any more letters from grandmothers.

>

> --Charlie

>

[Guest guest]

<<hugs>> Charlie. Sorry to hear the FOG generating machine was aimed in your

direction.

I know what you mean about these things causing us to lose work. It sucks, but

do not beat yourself up too much. Sometimes interactions from our FOO can trip

or PTSD wires and freak us out until we find our equilibrium again.

> >

> > Hi everyone,

> >

> > Yesterday I received a truly horrible letter from one of my granparents. I

have been, quite necessarily, NC with my ENTIRE family for quite some time now.

I was not very close at all to this grandma, and suspect strongly she is bpd

herself. She called a few times (which I've ignored), but this is the first

I've really heard from her.

> >

> > I've managed to block nada's and np-father's emails, and not subject myself

to the whole guilt trip thing. But this letter, I read it--and I shouldn't

have. Like I said, I don't know this relative well, and she's never fussed at

me before. This letter basically treated me like a kid who stole cookies and

ran to hide--trying to shame me for NC. Saying it was 'foolishness' and I

needed to 'come home'. Interspersed, of course, with lots of we love yous. Of

course.

> >

> > The thing is, there is a violently abusive ex in my past. The letter did

not even ask what the reason was for me going NC, or if I was doing ok. It just

emphasized how bad I was by hurthing them so with my foolishness, how much pain

THEY were in, etc etc.

> >

> > I have not been around them and I've forgotten how extremely invalidating

contact with them is. It's like I'm not a person at all, to be cared for, taken

seriously or listened to. Could it be POSSIBLE that I might have a valid reason

for what I'm doing? No, of course not. I am some kindof slave to them, who

must do what they say--I am not a real person. It was very frightening.

> >

> > The worst of it is that I am losing work again. Whenever I have ANY kind of

contact from FOO, I end up involuntarily taking time off from work. And I am in

trouble with my boss now for it. I am behind on several deadlines (because my

office is an extremely busy one). I am supposed to be at work right now.

Contact with these clowns, even ONE way contact--it threatens my livelihood. It

threatens my ability to work! When I am in full NC, I never--repeat NEVER--miss

work for 'emotional' reasons. These people put me in flight or fight. ANd I do

the freeze response.

> >

> > Note to self: do not read any more letters from grandmothers.

> >

> > --Charlie

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Wow freaky that sounds just like my grandmother! the only exception is that she

has daily contact with me and i know to treat letters from her like bombs.

seriously. It really sucks when they invalidate everything you worked for all

the effort to become the loving stable strong individual. Somehow around

(parents grandparents whichever)I feel like a house of cards all my efforts and

struggles blown away with one careless breath, and of course the fault is always

yours! I have failed to courses in college because an emotional breakdown that

was onset by either my dad or grandma. Keep Strong you have the strength and

courage, one of the ways that helped me was to entrench myself in good healthy

people who could sympathize even if they could not empathize.

-Sharry

[Guest guest]

Hi Charlotte,

I so empathize with what happened and what you wrote. I've been NC for 2.5

years and received quite a bit of shit from all sorts of people my nada

could manipulate to guilt trip me and tell me what a bad daughter I was for

going no contact. And not one person, including people I loved like friends

and relatives, asked to hear my side or wanted to find out how I was doing

which was pretty awful during a lot of it. It's been super invalidating not

having even one person on my side. I do have contact with my father now

that he is divorced and pretty much no contact with my mother, but he is

incapable of any sort of validation or emotional support. On one hand I am

more convinced than ever that I have made the right decision regarding not

having contact and I no longer feel the guilt that I used to for it. But on

the other I feel very much alone. It's been such a lonely road and I

struggle daily with not feeling good about myself and not liking myself

because I know nada et al are not pleased with what I've done, and not

having confidence because that came only when nada approved and of course

she doesn't and is spreading that message to as many people as she can. I

know intellectually that I am not a bad person for what I have done, but

emotionally it doesn't feel that way. I feel like I am bad and awful. What

I would give to like myself, feel good about myself, and have a little

confidence. How good my life would be.

I actually had an attack this past month from my father's mother, a

narcissist, who attacked me and was asking why I hadn't upgraded my life,

really offensive stuff and she pretty much has no filter on her mouth.

Luckily my father was there to witness the attack, she's attacked me

before, but never in the presence of another person. He defended me and

made her stop. I thought he was back on my side, that I had my dad back

after so much abuse with my mother, and the way he validated me made such a

huge difference to me in improving our relationship and it felt so good to

have at least one parent support me and be on my side. Or so I thought.

Less than two weeks later we were going to visit my grandmother and I told

him on the way over that I was nervous about seeing her given what had

happened last time and instead of comforting me or putting me at ease, he

replied with a complete 180, saying, " cut her some slack, she's old. " I

felt like I had just been hit by a train. I was so flummoxed I was at a

loss as to how to respond. I should have just gotten out of the car and

walked home. It was as if he was completely excusing her behavior, the same

behavior he stood up against only a couple weeks earlier. It felt like he

had completely undone everything he had done two weeks earlier and the

invalidation was paralyzing. I went straight into panic mode and ptsd took

over. I could barely move the next three days and numbed myself by

overeating, something I don't normally do unless I'm experiencing

parent-related stress. It was awful. I felt so invalidated. He completely

blew me off and was dismissive, he made me feel so worthless and not worth

defending or even listening to. I know he loves me, but I should never

have thought he could provide emotional support; he never has before.

I also have to cut back on work when these things with foo flare up. And I

hate that. I hate giving them any more time and energy than I already have,

I've paid my time. And yet I'm not over them. It really sucks. On one hand

I want to move forward so badly and have the life I've imagined for myself.

And on the other I'm still stuck wanting validation from two people who are

never going to give it, my mother having bpd and my father being an

emotionally unavailable dishrag. Why can't I just let it go?

> **

>

>

> Wow freaky that sounds just like my grandmother! the only exception is

> that she has daily contact with me and i know to treat letters from her

> like bombs. seriously. It really sucks when they invalidate everything you

> worked for all the effort to become the loving stable strong individual.

> Somehow around (parents grandparents whichever)I feel like a house of cards

> all my efforts and struggles blown away with one careless breath, and of

> course the fault is always yours! I have failed to courses in college

> because an emotional breakdown that was onset by either my dad or grandma.

> Keep Strong you have the strength and courage, one of the ways that helped

> me was to entrench myself in good healthy people who could sympathize even

> if they could not empathize.

>

> -Sharry

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

littlepurplesticker,

Huge hugs. You don't deserve that kind of crazy and you ARE worthy of respect

and love and validation.

I know how you feel with the guilt trips and flying monkeys, my FOO (mother

father and sister - there are no other relatives) are just starting ramp that

one up since I've severely limited contact in the last few months. I'm fortunate

that my husband and his family are an amazing support although my FOO hates us

all with a passion and have started telling every man and his dog how dreadful

we are, including everyone at the pub where my sister works in a neighboring

suburb (um yeah ... like I care what her friends think, I don't know any of

them, although one of them bailed my husband up in the street to ask why he was

stopping me seeing my parents - the answer he's not ... I am just completely

over them and their crazy).

I came across a quote the other day that I intend to use if I am ever confronted

with any of the questions ...

" Be careful of the half truth, you may just have the wrong half "

.... then leave them to think about it. If they don't have enough integrity to

ask questions then they are not worth wasting time on.

Through some truly wonderful and patient people in my life (yep it takes me ages

to accept praise or to see my own value) I'm starting to realise that I'm valued

just because I'm me and for no other reason so I'm now working to be the best me

I can be and to throw away the inner dialogue of desolation that I was

programmed with.

Anyway that's my opinion. I hope you can realise your own value and rewrite your

inner dialogue to one that will build you up rather than tear you down.

LT

>

> > **

> >

> >

> > Wow freaky that sounds just like my grandmother! the only exception is

> > that she has daily contact with me and i know to treat letters from her

> > like bombs. seriously. It really sucks when they invalidate everything you

> > worked for all the effort to become the loving stable strong individual.

> > Somehow around (parents grandparents whichever)I feel like a house of cards

> > all my efforts and struggles blown away with one careless breath, and of

> > course the fault is always yours! I have failed to courses in college

> > because an emotional breakdown that was onset by either my dad or grandma.

> > Keep Strong you have the strength and courage, one of the ways that helped

> > me was to entrench myself in good healthy people who could sympathize even

> > if they could not empathize.

> >

> > -Sharry

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>