seeing nada from a distance - question for those who are NC

[Guest guest]

The last couple of days have been hard.  I've been dealing with whether or not

to call nada and the guilt of deciding not to.  We haven't talked in almost a

month, which is HUGE for me.  It's been a wonderful month away from her.  

Arriving at work without having to maniacally dial her number before she freaked

out at me being 5 minutes late has been LIBERATING.  Ever since I left home at

the age of 25, I have called her every, single day. Every day.  I'm 43!  I

finally was able to negotiate vacations off but I had to work up extra courage

to get that, with great pouting on her part.  I still can't believe what a hard

time she gave me about that and what a wuss I was. 

Not having to work a 30 minute phone call into my Saturday mornings or visits on

Sundays because " she's expecting us " has been just...a gift. I could cry.

Anyway, we hadn't talked in 3 weeks and then last week she was calling me 2 or 3

times a day, each time weepy and begging me to call. My husband was appalled at

her tone on the messages. He said she sounded like someone calling their dog,

like I was her possession. I sent her a very, very brutally honest letter last

week asking for space and she finally stopped calling.  Such a relief to not see

her number on my ID.

I'm seeing that I have never viewed her as, and never, ever can view her as a

true, real mother.  No support, no " wow, I believe in you! " , no having someone I

could confide in.  I feel like I've been *her* mother.  No excitement for me at

my marriage, at vacations I've taken, etc. Just profound, weird neediness and

obsessiveness about stuff that has nothing to do with her. Just a sick

possessiveness.

And I just feel so freaking grieved about that. 

All this time, to me, I was seeing her as my mom.  She's my mom, right?  She

makes great food, she's generous with meals that way; she has cared for my

children and they have fond memories of her, although always with " why does

granny worry so much? "

But the bottom line is....I don't miss her.  I don't miss her ruminating. I

don't miss her making me doubt myself as a mother. I don't miss the knot in my

stomach and the tightness in my chest when her number comes up.  And I esp don't

miss wondering what was going to offend her today, what was going to make her

" sick with worry " today.  I'M the one who's been getting sick from her worry;

I'm the one with the high blood pressure and depression. 

It sucks that she lives mere blocks from me; that's the only downside is

wondering if she's going to ambush me one morning on my way to work.

For those of you who are NC, how did your lives change after you went NC?

[Guest guest]

During my NC period (8 years) I had exponential growth--I experienced new things

that became life enhancing practices (yoga, tai chi), & met new people (nada

would have found a way to criticize/condemn these). I got into therapy, a

12-step program, and confronted my DH's addictions, worked on my marriage, and

learned how to parent my children. There were many ways I was raised that I

disagreed with, and being raised as a (mostly) only child I didn't know how to

manage sibling issues between my kids. I threw myself into all of these tasks.

Not only that, being away from nada helped me gain a better perspective on her

and my interactions. It became glaringly obvious that she had some severe mental

problems, which being so close to her was hard for me to see when she was

blaming me all the time for the problems between us.

My kids did not see her from age 2 - 11. I think this was invaluable for them.

My daughter has some confidence issues that I believe were developed during the

1st 2 years of her life when nada was her daycare provider (I know, BAD

decision. I thought it was a good way to establish control with nada at the

time).

The only regret is that I ended up imagining her stronger the longer it went

between us without contact. Just thinking of her could bring on panic attacks. I

found I needed some contact with her so that my imagination would not run wild

again. That is where I am at today.

Good luck, Fiona! Good for you!

>

> The last couple of days have been hard.  I've been dealing with whether or not

to call nada and the guilt of deciding not to.  We haven't talked in almost a

month, which is HUGE for me.  It's been a wonderful month away from her.  

>

> Arriving at work without having to maniacally dial her number before she

freaked out at me being 5 minutes late has been LIBERATING.  Ever since I left

home at the age of 25, I have called her every, single day. Every day.  I'm 43!

 I finally was able to negotiate vacations off but I had to work up extra

courage to get that, with great pouting on her part.  I still can't believe what

a hard time she gave me about that and what a wuss I was. 

>

> Not having to work a 30 minute phone call into my Saturday mornings or visits

on Sundays because " she's expecting us " has been just...a gift. I could cry.

>

> Anyway, we hadn't talked in 3 weeks and then last week she was calling me 2 or

3 times a day, each time weepy and begging me to call. My husband was appalled

at her tone on the messages. He said she sounded like someone calling their dog,

like I was her possession. I sent her a very, very brutally honest letter last

week asking for space and she finally stopped calling.  Such a relief to not see

her number on my ID.

>

> I'm seeing that I have never viewed her as, and never, ever can view her as a

true, real mother.  No support, no " wow, I believe in you! " , no having someone I

could confide in.  I feel like I've been *her* mother.  No excitement for me at

my marriage, at vacations I've taken, etc. Just profound, weird neediness and

obsessiveness about stuff that has nothing to do with her. Just a sick

possessiveness.

>

> And I just feel so freaking grieved about that. 

>

> All this time, to me, I was seeing her as my mom.  She's my mom, right?  She

makes great food, she's generous with meals that way; she has cared for my

children and they have fond memories of her, although always with " why does

granny worry so much? "

>

> But the bottom line is....I don't miss her.  I don't miss her ruminating. I

don't miss her making me doubt myself as a mother. I don't miss the knot in my

stomach and the tightness in my chest when her number comes up.  And I esp don't

miss wondering what was going to offend her today, what was going to make her

" sick with worry " today.  I'M the one who's been getting sick from her worry;

I'm the one with the high blood pressure and depression. 

>

> It sucks that she lives mere blocks from me; that's the only downside is

wondering if she's going to ambush me one morning on my way to work.

>

> For those of you who are NC, how did your lives change after you went NC?

>

>

[Guest guest]

It's a brave new world!!! My life completely changed, I left behind a

culture (based on a religion but without any faith in it, just a lot of

" shoulds " ) that made no sense for me. i created my own life, my own world

and became myself. I had a lot of success, some amazing experiences. i

learned to dance, found people who believed in my art, created a home, had

some fun relationships, found my partner, lost my best friend my airedale

and raised 2 puppies. I remodeled a home I built a career, I created a brand

and became kind of a community leader in my new culture and learned how to

teach kids who really need a decent adult in their lives.

None of that would have ever ever ever happened with nada in my life.

Imagine trying to learn to dance with someone liek that on your back? Or the

second things start going well at work - she would meltdown. My

perfectionism always kept me going before that - but that is another thing

that I don't need to drag behind me for the rest of my life.

> **

>

>

> During my NC period (8 years) I had exponential growth--I experienced new

> things that became life enhancing practices (yoga, tai chi), & met new

> people (nada would have found a way to criticize/condemn these). I got into

> therapy, a 12-step program, and confronted my DH's addictions, worked on my

> marriage, and learned how to parent my children. There were many ways I was

> raised that I disagreed with, and being raised as a (mostly) only child I

> didn't know how to manage sibling issues between my kids. I threw myself

> into all of these tasks.

>

> Not only that, being away from nada helped me gain a better perspective on

> her and my interactions. It became glaringly obvious that she had some

> severe mental problems, which being so close to her was hard for me to see

> when she was blaming me all the time for the problems between us.

>

> My kids did not see her from age 2 - 11. I think this was invaluable for

> them. My daughter has some confidence issues that I believe were developed

> during the 1st 2 years of her life when nada was her daycare provider (I

> know, BAD decision. I thought it was a good way to establish control with

> nada at the time).

> It

> The only regret is that I ended up imagining her stronger the longer it

> went between us without contact. Just thinking of her could bring on panic

> attacks. I found I needed some contact with her so that my imagination would

> not run wild again. That is where I am at today.

>

> Good luck, Fiona! Good for you!

>

>

> >

> > The last couple of days have been hard. I've been dealing with whether

> or not to call nada and the guilt of deciding not to. We haven't talked in

> almost a month, which is HUGE for me. It's been a wonderful month away from

> her.

> >

> > Arriving at work without having to maniacally dial her number before she

> freaked out at me being 5 minutes late has been LIBERATING. Ever since I

> left home at the age of 25, I have called her every, single day. Every day.

> I'm 43! I finally was able to negotiate vacations off but I had to work up

> extra courage to get that, with great pouting on her part. I still can't

> believe what a hard time she gave me about that and what a wuss I was.

> >

> > Not having to work a 30 minute phone call into my Saturday mornings or

> visits on Sundays because " she's expecting us " has been just...a gift. I

> could cry.

> >

> > Anyway, we hadn't talked in 3 weeks and then last week she was calling me

> 2 or 3 times a day, each time weepy and begging me to call. My husband was

> appalled at her tone on the messages. He said she sounded like someone

> calling their dog, like I was her possession. I sent her a very, very

> brutally honest letter last week asking for space and she finally stopped

> calling. Such a relief to not see her number on my ID.

> >

> > I'm seeing that I have never viewed her as, and never, ever can view her

> as a true, real mother. No support, no " wow, I believe in you! " , no having

> someone I could confide in. I feel like I've been *her* mother. No

> excitement for me at my marriage, at vacations I've taken, etc. Just

> profound, weird neediness and obsessiveness about stuff that has nothing to

> do with her. Just a sick possessiveness.

> >

> > And I just feel so freaking grieved about that.

> >

> > All this time, to me, I was seeing her as my mom. She's my mom, right?

> She makes great food, she's generous with meals that way; she has cared for

> my children and they have fond memories of her, although always with " why

> does granny worry so much? "

> >

> > But the bottom line is....I don't miss her. I don't miss her ruminating.

> I don't miss her making me doubt myself as a mother. I don't miss the knot

> in my stomach and the tightness in my chest when her number comes up. And I

> esp don't miss wondering what was going to offend her today, what was going

> to make her " sick with worry " today. I'M the one who's been getting sick

> from her worry; I'm the one with the high blood pressure and depression.

> >

> > It sucks that she lives mere blocks from me; that's the only downside is

> wondering if she's going to ambush me one morning on my way to work.

> >

> > For those of you who are NC, how did your lives change after you went NC?

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

" I ended up imagining her stronger the longer it went between us without

contact. Just thinking of her could bring on panic attacks. I found I needed

some contact with her so that my imagination would not run wild again. "

I'm feeling that way as well but I think it's too soon to make contact again. I

just don't know. I'm seeing my T today to talk about this.

thanks, Echobabe. I appreciate your feedback.

> >

> > The last couple of days have been hard. I've been dealing with whether or

not to call nada and the guilt of deciding not to. We haven't talked in almost

a month, which is HUGE for me. It's been a wonderful month away from her.

> >

> > Arriving at work without having to maniacally dial her number before she

freaked out at me being 5 minutes late has been LIBERATING. Ever since I left

home at the age of 25, I have called her every, single day. Every day. I'm 43!

I finally was able to negotiate vacations off but I had to work up extra courage

to get that, with great pouting on her part. I still can't believe what a hard

time she gave me about that and what a wuss I was.

> >

> > Not having to work a 30 minute phone call into my Saturday mornings or

visits on Sundays because " she's expecting us " has been just...a gift. I could

cry.

> >

> > Anyway, we hadn't talked in 3 weeks and then last week she was calling me 2

or 3 times a day, each time weepy and begging me to call. My husband was

appalled at her tone on the messages. He said she sounded like someone calling

their dog, like I was her possession. I sent her a very, very brutally honest

letter last week asking for space and she finally stopped calling. Such a

relief to not see her number on my ID.

> >

> > I'm seeing that I have never viewed her as, and never, ever can view her as

a true, real mother. No support, no " wow, I believe in you! " , no having someone

I could confide in. I feel like I've been *her* mother. No excitement for me

at my marriage, at vacations I've taken, etc. Just profound, weird neediness and

obsessiveness about stuff that has nothing to do with her. Just a sick

possessiveness.

> >

> > And I just feel so freaking grieved about that.

> >

> > All this time, to me, I was seeing her as my mom. She's my mom, right? She

makes great food, she's generous with meals that way; she has cared for my

children and they have fond memories of her, although always with " why does

granny worry so much? "

> >

> > But the bottom line is....I don't miss her. I don't miss her ruminating. I

don't miss her making me doubt myself as a mother. I don't miss the knot in my

stomach and the tightness in my chest when her number comes up. And I esp don't

miss wondering what was going to offend her today, what was going to make her

" sick with worry " today. I'M the one who's been getting sick from her worry;

I'm the one with the high blood pressure and depression.

> >

> > It sucks that she lives mere blocks from me; that's the only downside is

wondering if she's going to ambush me one morning on my way to work.

> >

> > For those of you who are NC, how did your lives change after you went NC?

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

yeah, that's what i was trying to tell my mother in my letter: that asking me if

I deserved my promotion was just a small example of how toxic she is to me. It's

like allowing myself to live in a nuclear waste swamp, breathing in the fumes,

drinking the sludge. That's life with her.

More and more, I feel such grief for my father and understand what he had to

live with. Unfortunately, he kind of helped create the monster.

Girlscout, I'm so happy for you and proud of you. I know it hasn't been an easy

trip for you but you knew you had to do it.

It's so easy to stay comfy and keep the status quo and keep living with the same

crap. So easy. Sometimes I'd rather just keep making the daily phone calls to

her, keep visiting once a week. Keep inhaling the fumes, mostly because I hate

conflict. Keep pretending I didn't hear another demoralizing comment. But now

it's become more painful to stay in the crap than to make changes.

thanks for sharing!

Fiona

>

> It's a brave new world!!! My life completely changed, I left behind a

> culture (based on a religion but without any faith in it, just a lot of

> " shoulds " ) that made no sense for me. i created my own life, my own world

> and became myself. I had a lot of success, some amazing experiences. i

> learned to dance, found people who believed in my art, created a home, had

> some fun relationships, found my partner, lost my best friend my airedale

> and raised 2 puppies. I remodeled a home I built a career, I created a brand

> and became kind of a community leader in my new culture and learned how to

> teach kids who really need a decent adult in their lives.

>

> None of that would have ever ever ever happened with nada in my life.

> Imagine trying to learn to dance with someone liek that on your back? Or the

> second things start going well at work - she would meltdown. My

> perfectionism always kept me going before that - but that is another thing

> that I don't need to drag behind me for the rest of my life.

>

>