Guest guest Posted February 10, 2012 Report Share Posted February 10, 2012 I just need to vent and this is the one and only place I can say this. I have gone to limited contact with my BPD mother. This post is about the rising desperation I hear in her voice when she calls me. I am the person she wants. I am the person she has always wanted. I am the person she gave birth to so she could have an object into which she poured all of her twisted viewpoints of people and the world. I spent my life being batted around like a half-dead mouse at the mercy of some claw-filled cat. I have been her target. I have been her trashcan. Now, my torturer is pushing ninety years old and the days she has to inflict her unique brand of damage grow short. She senses it and she is grasping at me over the phone lines and I hear the desperation. It is making me sick. It is making my skin crawl. It makes me feel like taking a shower. It is causing me to " forget " my phone in unlikely places. Even when I am incommunicado without my phone, I can feel her desperation in the air. This is the problem with breaking free. This is what makes it so challenging for us. She is sick and she is dangerous, but she is a person in pain and I am person who lives my life trying to avoid causing it. I am holding my ground and I will continue to do so, but it is sad and it is difficult. Thank you for listening. Tag Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 10, 2012 Report Share Posted February 10, 2012 Your post makes me feel like there is never any hope of breaking free. My mom is only 62 & continues to get worse. Somehow, I hoped at any older image, they mellow. I guess not. > > I just need to vent and this is the one and only place I can say this. > > I have gone to limited contact with my BPD mother. This post is about the rising desperation I hear in her voice when she calls me. I am the person she wants. I am the person she has always wanted. I am the person she gave birth to so she could have an object into which she poured all of her twisted viewpoints of people and the world. I spent my life being batted around like a half-dead mouse at the mercy of some claw-filled cat. I have been her target. I have been her trashcan. Now, my torturer is pushing ninety years old and the days she has to inflict her unique brand of damage grow short. She senses it and she is grasping at me over the phone lines and I hear the desperation. It is making me sick. It is making my skin crawl. It makes me feel like taking a shower. It is causing me to " forget " my phone in unlikely places. Even when I am incommunicado without my phone, I can feel her desperation in the air. This is the problem with breaking free. This is what makes it so challenging for us. She is sick and she is dangerous, but she is a person in pain and I am person who lives my life trying to avoid causing it. I am holding my ground and I will continue to do so, but it is sad and it is difficult. Thank you for listening. > > Tag > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 10, 2012 Report Share Posted February 10, 2012 (((((Tag))))) It is a testament to your humanity that you can still feel empathy for someone who used you and mistreated you your whole life. I feel for your pain. Do what you need to do to protect yourself from further torment, whatever that may be. -Annie > > I just need to vent and this is the one and only place I can say this. > > I have gone to limited contact with my BPD mother. This post is about the rising desperation I hear in her voice when she calls me. I am the person she wants. I am the person she has always wanted. I am the person she gave birth to so she could have an object into which she poured all of her twisted viewpoints of people and the world. I spent my life being batted around like a half-dead mouse at the mercy of some claw-filled cat. I have been her target. I have been her trashcan. Now, my torturer is pushing ninety years old and the days she has to inflict her unique brand of damage grow short. She senses it and she is grasping at me over the phone lines and I hear the desperation. It is making me sick. It is making my skin crawl. It makes me feel like taking a shower. It is causing me to " forget " my phone in unlikely places. Even when I am incommunicado without my phone, I can feel her desperation in the air. This is the problem with breaking free. This is what makes it so challenging for us. She is sick and she is dangerous, but she is a person in pain and I am person who lives my life trying to avoid causing it. I am holding my ground and I will continue to do so, but it is sad and it is difficult. Thank you for listening. > > Tag > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 10, 2012 Report Share Posted February 10, 2012 Randi Kreger has posted that some studies show that younger, lower-functioning bpd patients tend to " mellow " as they reach middle age, but she points out that these research studies only cover the most severely disordered patients, those considered a danger to themselves and/or to others who wind up in residential treatment homes, under psychiatric care for making suicide attempts and threats, or who have been arrested for acting out violently against family members or others in public, etc. Early intervention seems to have a better chance of success, using dialectical behavioral therapy and medication, so the young, severely disordered bpd patients appear (statistically) to " mellow out " or become more stabilized as they age. But these studies do not include high-functioning and/or undiagnosed bpd individuals; they're not " in the system " receiving treatment, so, they're not counted in the bpd population or used in patient studies. These " invisible " bpds who have more control over their behaviors can skim just under the radar, appearing normal and functional at their jobs or in public, and have the ability to save up their raging and acting-out behaviors until they are safely in private, inflicting abuse covertly against loved ones who are too weak, needy, codependent, or too little to fight back or defend themselves. My own personal experience with my nada, who was up until the last couple of years of her life a very high-functioning borderline pd, narcissistic pd, obsessive-compulsive pd individual, is that her bpd traits and behaviors never improved. Over the last year of her life she became increasingly paranoid and delusional and began actively hallucinating; which caused her to act in bizarre ways that were dangerous to herself and alarmed other people. She was eventually diagnosed with senile dementia by a psychiatrist, and deemed no longer able to care for herself. Sister arranged for our nada to be relocated to a nice residential care /assisted-living facility that had an Alzheimer's unit. Even though she was in therapy for a couple of years about 5 years ago, it had no genuine, real, lasting impact on her. My nada was never distressed by her own behaviors, felt that she was always right, that the negative way she perceived her world and the people in it, and the negative way she reacted was perfectly normal and justified, and that it was everyone else, including Sister and me, who caused all her problems. Almost to the very end my nada maintained that she had always been a perfect mother and that my Sister and I were being hateful to her, and telling lies about her. While there were brief periods of normal, rational behavior in which nada was kindly and loving, most of the time she was delusional, paranoid, hostile and critical, perfectionistic and un-pleasable. Right at the end of her life, literally the few days before she died, she was being kind and relatively sweet toward Sister and me, for which I am grateful. But the kind of change you are wishing for, I think, a virtually miraculous epiphany of realization, a breakthrough of insight in which nada understands that she needs help, feels remorse for the harm she's done, and accepts that she needs to learn how to modify her negative perceptions and behaviors because she's hurting her kids, her spouse, her friends and other loved ones, and hurting herself... well, those kinds of miraculous epiphanies are very, very rare with personality disorder, unfortunately. Some of the very mildly-affected individuals with bpd can gain that kind of personal insight and awareness, but the moderately to severely bpd/npd individuals, the high-functioning ones... well, they just don't. Hardly ever. All you can do is change your own behaviors, meaning, you can change the way you respond to her dysfunctional, negative, harmful behaviors. You can choose to limit contact, set boundaries, and enforce consequences for boundary violation, all of which takes at least some degree of emotional detachment. That's about it. Sorry for the bleakness, but, my own opinion is that its better to deal with reality than to sink into denial, aka magical thinking or unrealistic hope of miracles. -Annie > > Your post makes me feel like there is never any hope of breaking free. My mom is only 62 & continues to get worse. Somehow, I hoped at any older image, they mellow. I guess not. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 10, 2012 Report Share Posted February 10, 2012 Tag, You don't cause your mother's pain. That was hers long before you came along. You can't alleviate her pain, either. You don't cause it, you don't control it, and you can't cure it. I do understand what you mean, and you put it into words so very well. But it's not in our power to give them what they need, even if we sacrifice everything we are. Sveta > > I just need to vent and this is the one and only place I can say this. > > I have gone to limited contact with my BPD mother. This post is about the rising desperation I hear in her voice when she calls me. I am the person she wants. I am the person she has always wanted. I am the person she gave birth to so she could have an object into which she poured all of her twisted viewpoints of people and the world. I spent my life being batted around like a half-dead mouse at the mercy of some claw-filled cat. I have been her target. I have been her trashcan. Now, my torturer is pushing ninety years old and the days she has to inflict her unique brand of damage grow short. She senses it and she is grasping at me over the phone lines and I hear the desperation. It is making me sick. It is making my skin crawl. It makes me feel like taking a shower. It is causing me to " forget " my phone in unlikely places. Even when I am incommunicado without my phone, I can feel her desperation in the air. This is the problem with breaking free. This is what makes it so challenging for us. She is sick and she is dangerous, but she is a person in pain and I am person who lives my life trying to avoid causing it. I am holding my ground and I will continue to do so, but it is sad and it is difficult. Thank you for listening. > > Tag > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 10, 2012 Report Share Posted February 10, 2012 *Hugs* to you, Tag. I wanted to say that I hear you, loud and clear. And also that I found your post to be very poignant. I wish I had an answer to give to you that would make it all so much easier, but sadly, there is none. Whether we chose to stay in full contact, low contact, or no contact... each comes with it's own emotional price tag. However, I feel that the price we pay in the long run saves our sanity and sort of pays for it's self. Hang in there. Glad you posted. That's what we're here for. Mia > > > > I just need to vent and this is the one and only place I can say this. > > I have gone to limited contact with my BPD mother. This post is about the rising desperation I hear in her voice when she calls me. I am the person she wants. I am the person she has always wanted. I am the person she gave birth to so she could have an object into which she poured all of her twisted viewpoints of people and the world. I spent my life being batted around like a half-dead mouse at the mercy of some claw-filled cat. I have been her target. I have been her trashcan. Now, my torturer is pushing ninety years old and the days she has to inflict her unique brand of damage grow short. She senses it and she is grasping at me over the phone lines and I hear the desperation. It is making me sick. It is making my skin crawl. It makes me feel like taking a shower. It is causing me to " forget " my phone in unlikely places. Even when I am incommunicado without my phone, I can feel her desperation in the air. This is the problem with breaking free. This is what makes it so challenging for us. She is sick and she is dangerous, but she is a person in pain and I am person who lives my life trying to avoid causing it. I am holding my ground and I will continue to do so, but it is sad and it is difficult. Thank you for listening. > > Tag > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 10, 2012 Report Share Posted February 10, 2012 PS - I also agree whole heartedly with Sveta. 100%! Mia > > > > Tag, > > You don't cause your mother's pain. That was hers long before you came along. > > You can't alleviate her pain, either. > > You don't cause it, you don't control it, and you can't cure it. > > I do understand what you mean, and you put it into words so very well. But it's not in our power to give them what they need, even if we sacrifice everything we are. > > Sveta Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 10, 2012 Report Share Posted February 10, 2012 One small bit of hope for you gilberam. With my grandmother, once she truly crossed the line into senile dementia it was easier for my mother (who she was nada to) because she could then be medicated and professionals in the nursing home were responsible for her. I will say though that my grandmother had a negative emotional hold over her two daughter till the day she died though. Part of that was due to them never seeking therapy or examining things also. Eliza > > Your post makes me feel like there is never any hope of breaking free. My mom is only 62 & continues to get worse. Somehow, I hoped at any older image, they mellow. I guess not. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 10, 2012 Report Share Posted February 10, 2012 ((((Tag)))) it is an awful thing the way it plays out to the very end. In reply to Gilbram I talked about what happened with my grandmother who my mother experienced as a nada. There is some hope of relief if your mother develops dementia of a kind that compromises her ability to communicate. But in the end it is still really rough. I know what you mean about not wanting to cause pain and knowing that protecting yourself does cause her pain. Yet isn't she the one who set things up so that any healthy self-protective move on your part would hurt her? that you would even need to protect yourself from her? As far as feeling her desperation even when you aren't talking to her, you might benefit from some new age techniques called " cord cutting " . Even if you don't believe in energy, it is a psychologically powerful action because of the symbolism. It might help you feel a little more free of her in your own mind. If you google the term you will come up with a wealth of methods - it has helped me a great deal. I hope things get better for you. Eliza > > I just need to vent and this is the one and only place I can say this. > > I have gone to limited contact with my BPD mother. This post is about the rising desperation I hear in her voice when she calls me. I am the person she wants. I am the person she has always wanted. I am the person she gave birth to so she could have an object into which she poured all of her twisted viewpoints of people and the world. I spent my life being batted around like a half-dead mouse at the mercy of some claw-filled cat. I have been her target. I have been her trashcan. Now, my torturer is pushing ninety years old and the days she has to inflict her unique brand of damage grow short. She senses it and she is grasping at me over the phone lines and I hear the desperation. It is making me sick. It is making my skin crawl. It makes me feel like taking a shower. It is causing me to " forget " my phone in unlikely places. Even when I am incommunicado without my phone, I can feel her desperation in the air. This is the problem with breaking free. This is what makes it so challenging for us. She is sick and she is dangerous, but she is a person in pain and I am person who lives my life trying to avoid causing it. I am holding my ground and I will continue to do so, but it is sad and it is difficult. Thank you for listening. > > Tag > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 11, 2012 Report Share Posted February 11, 2012 Big hugs Tag. I'm feeling the same way you are at the moment. Sorry for hijacking your post string but I hope you don't mind me venting a little too. I've been low contact with the entire FOO for quite some time even though I didn't know why I felt such an aversion to their presence. Just before Christmas I scuttled their plans for the yearly Christmas day farce which has led to cascading incidents. I have received a few accusatory (read I'm the evil one and responsible for all the family unhappiness/dysfunction and I'm the only one who can fix it by changing my attitude/behavior) emails and my husband has been on the receiving end of phone calls at home demanding to speak to me whilst I'm at work! I received another email today, I've been expecting it and whilst it has shaken me I'm getting better at spotting the projections for what they are. The only reason I accept the emails is so that I have some evidence to prove I'm not stark raving mad. She is very high functioning and very convincing to most people. She has now begun to cite experts and their thoughts about my supposed dysfunction although I don't recall her ever going to see anyone. She did have a CVA when I was 9 and that is apparently when all the problems began. I am supposedly: * fearful of losing someone I love, * hurt/angry at her for making me frightened, * justifying my anger by finding reasons for it no matter how small * guilty for being angry * isolating myself and shutting them out. Can anyone see some projection in this!!!! I just want to scream at her but I know that it will not change anything. Her illness didn't begin this but it certainly made her more needy and I had to grow up quickly but the efforts I made to make up for lack of ability have always been disparaged and never acknowledged. She also states that there is always love and support available no matter what happens and that all my actions affect everyone in the family (ya think - they no longer have their metaphorical punching bag/doormat). She is always negative about me and if she does slip and say something positive it must be followed by at least 2 negatives to balance it out. She has never apologized for anything without pointing out that I am apparently guilty of the same thing only worse. Yes I'm angry but I refuse to be held responsible for her happiness. I do not want to go back to that dark fearful place where I question the validity of every thought and emotion. I have been thinking about T but haven't gone there yet. I think it may be time to start looking. I also need to decide whether to respond to her communication as I can feel the hoover starting up. Thanks for reading. I am truly grateful for all of you and the sanity I find here. LT > > I just need to vent and this is the one and only place I can say this. > > I have gone to limited contact with my BPD mother. This post is about the rising desperation I hear in her voice when she calls me. I am the person she wants. I am the person she has always wanted. I am the person she gave birth to so she could have an object into which she poured all of her twisted viewpoints of people and the world. I spent my life being batted around like a half-dead mouse at the mercy of some claw-filled cat. I have been her target. I have been her trashcan. Now, my torturer is pushing ninety years old and the days she has to inflict her unique brand of damage grow short. She senses it and she is grasping at me over the phone lines and I hear the desperation. It is making me sick. It is making my skin crawl. It makes me feel like taking a shower. It is causing me to " forget " my phone in unlikely places. Even when I am incommunicado without my phone, I can feel her desperation in the air. This is the problem with breaking free. This is what makes it so challenging for us. She is sick and she is dangerous, but she is a person in pain and I am person who lives my life trying to avoid causing it. I am holding my ground and I will continue to do so, but it is sad and it is difficult. Thank you for listening. > > Tag > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 12, 2012 Report Share Posted February 12, 2012 If even low contact with your family of origin is only re-traumatizing you or inflicting fresh injury, then, perhaps No Contact (it can be temporary or permanent) is something to try. But you are the only one who can assess whether that is a good next step for you or not. My suggestion if you are going to seek out a therapist is to interview those familiar with treating the adult children of parents with personality disorder, the adult survivors of child abuse, the adult children of substance-abuser parents, or have experience treating those needing trauma recovery. Psychologists with a background, training and experience in those areas would have a better handle on the kinds of issues us KOs are wanting to deal with, in my opinion. I hope it will help if you keep reminding yourself that your bpd mom is mentally ill, and you didn't make her that way, and you can't cure her or control her. All you can do is protect yourself with reasonable, rational adult boundaries. But if your bpd mom and/or other family of origin members just bulldoze over your boundaries, then its OK to go No Contact for a while as a consequence. It really is OK to do that; its not unethical or immoral to protect yourself from an abusive person. It doesn't make you a bad human being or a bad " child " to withdraw simply in order to protect yourself from hostile accusations and intrusive, demanding, abusive behaviors from anyone, even your own parent, if they are causing you emotional and/or physical distress. They don't have the right to bully and badger and harass you into resuming contact if you don't want to or feel ready to. You have the right to have your feelings and wishes and needs honored, yours are just as valid and worthy of respect as anyone's. Best of luck to you; I hope that helps. -Annie > > > > I just need to vent and this is the one and only place I can say this. > > > > I have gone to limited contact with my BPD mother. This post is about the rising desperation I hear in her voice when she calls me. I am the person she wants. I am the person she has always wanted. I am the person she gave birth to so she could have an object into which she poured all of her twisted viewpoints of people and the world. I spent my life being batted around like a half-dead mouse at the mercy of some claw-filled cat. I have been her target. I have been her trashcan. Now, my torturer is pushing ninety years old and the days she has to inflict her unique brand of damage grow short. She senses it and she is grasping at me over the phone lines and I hear the desperation. It is making me sick. It is making my skin crawl. It makes me feel like taking a shower. It is causing me to " forget " my phone in unlikely places. Even when I am incommunicado without my phone, I can feel her desperation in the air. This is the problem with breaking free. This is what makes it so challenging for us. She is sick and she is dangerous, but she is a person in pain and I am person who lives my life trying to avoid causing it. I am holding my ground and I will continue to do so, but it is sad and it is difficult. Thank you for listening. > > > > Tag > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 12, 2012 Report Share Posted February 12, 2012 Thanks Annie. I needed to hear that. I have an amazing husband and kids and MIL but sometimes their support isn't enough cause they can't fully understand no matter how hard they try. LT > > > > > > I just need to vent and this is the one and only place I can say this. > > > > > > I have gone to limited contact with my BPD mother. This post is about the rising desperation I hear in her voice when she calls me. I am the person she wants. I am the person she has always wanted. I am the person she gave birth to so she could have an object into which she poured all of her twisted viewpoints of people and the world. I spent my life being batted around like a half-dead mouse at the mercy of some claw-filled cat. I have been her target. I have been her trashcan. Now, my torturer is pushing ninety years old and the days she has to inflict her unique brand of damage grow short. She senses it and she is grasping at me over the phone lines and I hear the desperation. It is making me sick. It is making my skin crawl. It makes me feel like taking a shower. It is causing me to " forget " my phone in unlikely places. Even when I am incommunicado without my phone, I can feel her desperation in the air. This is the problem with breaking free. This is what makes it so challenging for us. She is sick and she is dangerous, but she is a person in pain and I am person who lives my life trying to avoid causing it. I am holding my ground and I will continue to do so, but it is sad and it is difficult. Thank you for listening. > > > > > > Tag > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 13, 2012 Report Share Posted February 13, 2012 Thank you so much. I don't know what I would do without this place. Tag > > > > > > > > I just need to vent and this is the one and only place I can say this. > > > > I have gone to limited contact with my BPD mother. This post is about the rising desperation I hear in her voice when she calls me. I am the person she wants. I am the person she has always wanted. I am the person she gave birth to so she could have an object into which she poured all of her twisted viewpoints of people and the world. I spent my life being batted around like a half-dead mouse at the mercy of some claw-filled cat. I have been her target. I have been her trashcan. Now, my torturer is pushing ninety years old and the days she has to inflict her unique brand of damage grow short. She senses it and she is grasping at me over the phone lines and I hear the desperation. It is making me sick. It is making my skin crawl. It makes me feel like taking a shower. It is causing me to " forget " my phone in unlikely places. Even when I am incommunicado without my phone, I can feel her desperation in the air. This is the problem with breaking free. This is what makes it so challenging for us. She is sick and she is dangerous, but she is a person in pain and I am person who lives my life trying to avoid causing it. I am holding my ground and I will continue to do so, but it is sad and it is difficult. Thank you for listening. > > > > Tag > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 13, 2012 Report Share Posted February 13, 2012 Eliza, I'm actually very open to energy work and I usually respond well to the power of ritual and visualization. I think your idea is wonderful and I plan to look into it so that I can create an experience for myself. Thank you so much for your insight. Tag > > > > I just need to vent and this is the one and only place I can say this. > > > > I have gone to limited contact with my BPD mother. This post is about the rising desperation I hear in her voice when she calls me. I am the person she wants. I am the person she has always wanted. I am the person she gave birth to so she could have an object into which she poured all of her twisted viewpoints of people and the world. I spent my life being batted around like a half-dead mouse at the mercy of some claw-filled cat. I have been her target. I have been her trashcan. Now, my torturer is pushing ninety years old and the days she has to inflict her unique brand of damage grow short. She senses it and she is grasping at me over the phone lines and I hear the desperation. It is making me sick. It is making my skin crawl. It makes me feel like taking a shower. It is causing me to " forget " my phone in unlikely places. Even when I am incommunicado without my phone, I can feel her desperation in the air. This is the problem with breaking free. This is what makes it so challenging for us. She is sick and she is dangerous, but she is a person in pain and I am person who lives my life trying to avoid causing it. I am holding my ground and I will continue to do so, but it is sad and it is difficult. Thank you for listening. > > > > Tag > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 13, 2012 Report Share Posted February 13, 2012 Thank you for your response, LT. I don't mind at all that you are venting here - we are in this together. I have largely disconnected myself from my FOO also. For me, I know that I am the ingredient in the mix that causes unrest and causes my Nada to act out. I know it is not my fault, but I choose not to involve myself with the family because I feel that people are just waiting for the drama to unfold. In addition, I know that many family members have no idea about Nada's BPD behavior and can't understand what causes problems to arise. Over the years, I've recreated a family for myself from my circle of friends and my husband's family. These are " normal " people who don't set traps for me, lie to me and intentionally try to alienate me from those close to me. Do I long for my own, real family? Yes - all the time, but it is not to be. As usual, I could have written your post myself. I have been told many of the same things you are hearing. Therapy has helped me immensely. I go in for a " tune-up " now and then when things heat up and I have too much contact with her. I hope you consider it. I know exactly what you mean when you say you don't want to get sucked back in. Therapy can help you avoid that. Once again - thank you so much. Hugs to you and stay strong. Tag > > > > I just need to vent and this is the one and only place I can say this. > > > > I have gone to limited contact with my BPD mother. This post is about the rising desperation I hear in her voice when she calls me. I am the person she wants. I am the person she has always wanted. I am the person she gave birth to so she could have an object into which she poured all of her twisted viewpoints of people and the world. I spent my life being batted around like a half-dead mouse at the mercy of some claw-filled cat. I have been her target. I have been her trashcan. Now, my torturer is pushing ninety years old and the days she has to inflict her unique brand of damage grow short. She senses it and she is grasping at me over the phone lines and I hear the desperation. It is making me sick. It is making my skin crawl. It makes me feel like taking a shower. It is causing me to " forget " my phone in unlikely places. Even when I am incommunicado without my phone, I can feel her desperation in the air. This is the problem with breaking free. This is what makes it so challenging for us. She is sick and she is dangerous, but she is a person in pain and I am person who lives my life trying to avoid causing it. I am holding my ground and I will continue to do so, but it is sad and it is difficult. Thank you for listening. > > > > Tag > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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