joy hangover

[Guest guest]

Hey Guys,

I'm doing some cool things lately. I'm taking more control at work. I

started a dance company. I resigned a lot of volunteer work - not to do less

but to focus on things that are my own projects and ideas. I'm an extrovert,

a performer I love nothing more than to have a microphone in my face or be

in a costume on a stage. . . I can't help it. . . I love these things. Yet

for some reason (most likely jealousy) my nada would REALLY shut me down

when I knew her and she would see me being a leader, taking control,

pursuing my ideas or performing well. As a kid I played music like crazy

- mostly classical, folk and ethnic, in every venue I could. I also loved to

teach it and share it. As an adult I am much the same except that I work as

a spokeswoman, and I love to dance, mix my own music, create costumes and

teach art craft marketing event planning - nearly everything I know how to

do I teach.

So anyway, after I do something well. For instance, my dance girls didn't

want to leave last night after the hour was up and stayed and practiced and

learned for an extra hour. So that is good right? They were having a blast,

they were warm, they really worked out a lot and improved learned new

movements and praciticed flexibility and ate up the history and culture i

was sharing with them.

But today I feel so guilty. I guess I am hearing my nada and dad's voice

about don't be the center of attention. Don't boss people around. Why do you

think you are so smart etc etc etc

Same deal is going on at work, same scenario - great success - followed by

feelings of doubt, almost like i " m a theif or seizing credit I don't

deserve.

My T tells me its a beautiful thing that I can walk into a room and as my

friends often say " bring the party. " I was an hour late to an event last

week (because I was getting my live models ready to present as art pieces)

and all my friends said the party didn't even really start until I arrived.

.. . . ,

My T tells me it is ok for me to be me. Liking to lead, to perform to

entertain is not a bad trait, in fact people need it. People need to have

someone to bring the party, help them get organized, tell them they have

great ideas etc etc etc. She tells me this all the time. We talk about it a

lot because my boyfriend is an amazing artist but no one really knew it

until I met him and started helping him get more shows, more publicity and

planning events to show off his work. I tell her I feel guilty that I assert

myself and she say " WHY " He clearly needs you. You bring the energy to move

the projects forward. I admit, I do have a lot of energy and enthusiasm.

more than most people I know.

I love public speaking and I do it A LOT!! But every time I speak really

well - I typically interject a shitload of personality, humor, fun and

energy into something that could so easily be boring (think art history or

cultural education, or journalism or even something like which laundry

detergent to use or how to not get an STD) -I am struck afterward by this

sense of guilt and shame. Lets call it my joy hangover. Doing these things

is my joy - and then its immediately followed by shame and doubt.

How do I get over this? Therapy has helped me a lot. . . but its still

there. The shame. I bring the party and then I go home and feel like I did

something humiliating. .. .Its not that I humped a fire hydrant ord got

waste and barfed on a wedding cake due to drunkenness, its more like i bring

pieces of living art that steal the show or I talk a lot because I'm

teaching and then feel bad for . . . well talking too much and teaching. . .

I don't know how to shake it off. It's one of those damned if you do

(follow your bliss, teach, speak, perform, direct, control a room,

entertain or choreograph a show) because you are a show off. And then damned

if you don't because " this diva needs her stage " and to wall off your

personality and natural gifts from the world is the same as agreeing to

wither up and die - which I think is the core of the problem. My nada wanted

me to wither up and die. . . I'm working on embracing the word diva and

learning to be ok with the dark side of it as well as the beautiful (though

I promise I am not a bitch. . . ) but the stage, I've tried to put the part

of me that needs the stage aside for 3 years and after crying for days after

seeing anyone perform, I realize that will never ever ever make sense for

me.