Learning to Set Boundaries

[Guest guest]

So, I've been in this group for awhile, and I have spent the time just absorbing

information and reading experiences that are so eerily similar to my own that I

wonder if maybe my NADA has more than one child!

I first realized that my NADA might have BPD about 1.5 ago but I am just now

" getting " around to working my way through all the muckity muck. I have known

for as long as I can remember that something was not right with my NADA. I was

told that she had been diagnosed with Bipolar disorder before I was born (I am

27), I have been told about her drug use and I witnessed how she treatead my

dad, my stepfather and her other self destructive behaviors. I suppose that I

could go on and on with how she was while I was growing up, but I feel that

would be a waste of words as it is what it is and I can't change it.

What has brought me to work through my issues and dealing with her was the

epiphany that came about while I was sitting in one of my grad classes (I am a

School Psychology grad student and therefore have a pretty extensive mental

health background...but it is so different when it is your family and not a

student or client). We were talking about personality disorders in one of my

DSM/Clinical classes and everything started to 'click " in place. This was

sometime around March of '10. Over the next few months I looked for evidence

both for and against the fact that my mom might be a person with BPD. the more I

searched, the longer my " facts for " list became longer and longer. In July of

last year, my mom lost it completely while at my house and I was 100% convinced

that I have a mom with BPD.

Last year my husband was in Afghanistan and my mom was watching our infant

daughter 2 times per week so that I could go to grad school. I felt trapped

because I had no other way of going to school at the time and I felt so guilty

taking my daughter away from my mom when she was so happy when she was around

her. Things have gotten worse and worse and I could write a 700 page novel

detailing all of the craziness that has happened since last July!

I have begun to see a therapist to help myself deal with all of this. As a

result, I have begun setting boundaries with my mom and don't call her every day

and choose my amazing mother in law (who just retired and can now provide

childcare)to watch my daugher when I need it. She has noticed the changes and

now my therapist wants me to talk to her and explain why I am doing what I am

doing and why I will not have my daughter around her without me there. So here

is the question...how do you have this conversation? I can read the books and

know in my academic mind what to say and how to say it, but when showtime comes

it is SOOO different. I know it won't go well. So is it worth it? How do I even

approach it? We are supposed to get together this next Saturday to talk after an

argument we had over the phone over a week ago now. I am terrified and had a

visit with her today so my daughter and she could see each other. The entire

time my stomach felt like it had been punched and my chest has felt tight ever

since. When we went to say goodbye she refused to hug my 20 month old daughter

goodbye and had huffed downstairs after I asked when a good time to talk would

be. When she was on the computer downstairs she began blasting songs like the

Dixie chicks " I'm not ready to make right...I'm as mad as hell " . SOOO mature! I

think she is just expecting an appology and that all will go back to normal.

I am done with her behavior, but I am feeling very guilty and not sure how to go

about dealing with it. HELP!!!!

[Guest guest]

Welcome! Great work! I wouldn't go into it. Just say I feel more comfortable

with X. If she continues to press you say I need to go now mom, because

there is a turkey in the oven and it caught fire (or insert any excuse).

That's LC (low contact). Many of us including me are NC (no contact).

> **

>

>

> So, I've been in this group for awhile, and I have spent the time just

> absorbing information and reading experiences that are so eerily similar to

> my own that I wonder if maybe my NADA has more than one child!

>

> I first realized that my NADA might have BPD about 1.5 ago but I am just

> now " getting " around to working my way through all the muckity muck. I have

> known for as long as I can remember that something was not right with my

> NADA. I was told that she had been diagnosed with Bipolar disorder before I

> was born (I am 27), I have been told about her drug use and I witnessed how

> she treatead my dad, my stepfather and her other self destructive behaviors.

> I suppose that I could go on and on with how she was while I was growing up,

> but I feel that would be a waste of words as it is what it is and I can't

> change it.

> ork

> What has brought me to work through my issues and dealing with her was the

> epiphany that came about while I was sitting in one of my grad classes (I am

> a School Psychology grad student and therefore have a pretty extensive

> mental health background...but it is so different when it is your family and

> not a student or client). We were talking about personality disorders in one

> of my DSM/Clinical classes and everything started to 'click " in place. This

> was sometime around March of '10. Over the next few months I looked for

> evidence both for and against the fact that my mom might be a person with

> BPD. the more I searched, the longer my " facts for " list became longer and

> longer. In July of last year, my mom lost it completely while at my house

> and I was 100% convinced that I have a mom with BPD.

>

> Last year my husband was in Afghanistan and my mom was watching our infant

> daughter 2 times per week so that I could go to grad school. I felt trapped

> because I had no other way of going to school at the time and I felt so

> guilty taking my daughter away from my mom when she was so happy when she

> was around her. Things have gotten worse and worse and I could write a 700

> page novel detailing all of the craziness that has happened since last July!

>

>

> I have begun to see a therapist to help myself deal with all of this. As a

> result, I have begun setting boundaries with my mom and don't call her every

> day and choose my amazing mother in law (who just retired and can now

> provide childcare)to watch my daugher when I need it. She has noticed the

> changes and now my therapist wants me to talk to her and explain why I am

> doing what I am doing and why I will not have my daughter around her without

> me there. So here is the question...how do you have this conversation? I can

> read the books and know in my academic mind what to say and how to say it,

> but when showtime comes it is SOOO different. I know it won't go well. So is

> it worth it? How do I even approach it? We are supposed to get together this

> next Saturday to talk after an argument we had over the phone over a week

> ago now. I am terrified and had a visit with her today so my daughter and

> she could see each other. The entire time my stomach felt like it had been

> punched and my chest has felt tight ever since. When we went to say goodbye

> she refused to hug my 20 month old daughter goodbye and had huffed

> downstairs after I asked when a good time to talk would be. When she was on

> the computer downstairs she began blasting songs like the Dixie chicks " I'm

> not ready to make right...I'm as mad as hell " . SOOO mature! I think she is

> just expecting an appology and that all will go back to normal.

>

> I am done with her behavior, but I am feeling very guilty and not sure how

> to go about dealing with it. HELP!!!!

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Does your therapist have very much experience in dealing with

BPD patients or family members of people with BPD? If not, that

may be why you're getting advised to have this discussion. It is

hard for someone who hasn't experienced someone with BPD to

understand what it is like to deal with them. Studying it in a

class just doesn't bring home the reality of it. You can't have

a rational discussion with someone who isn't rational. Trying to

explain to your nada why you're doing what you're doing and why

you don't want her alone with your daughter just seems to me

like a recipe for more trouble. Emotionally, nadas are like

young toddlers. They mostly don't have the emotional maturity to

understand and accept that their behavior is unacceptable and

that the things they do are harmful. They tend to throw tantrums

rather than giving rational thought to what you've said.

Blasting music about being mad sure sounds tantrum-like to me.

Guilt is one of their primary tools. You shouldn't have to feel

guilty for taking steps to protect your daughter from someone

whose behavior is harmful to her, and make no mistake, being

left alone to be cared for by someone with BPD is likely to be

emotionally harmful and possibly physically dangerous as well.

It may help to keep reminding yourself that your nada is an

adult who is responsible for her own choices and that your

primary responsibility is to your daughter, not your nada.

Thinking about it that way may make it clearer that you're doing

the right thing which is turn will hopefully allow you to feel

less guilt. Also, where things that don't directly involve your

daughter are involved, remember that protecting yourself from

emotional abuse is an important because you need to be

emotionally healthy to be a good mother.

At 12:42 AM 07/18/2011 grg829 wrote:

>So, I've been in this group for awhile, and I have spent the

>time just absorbing information and reading experiences that

>are so eerily similar to my own that I wonder if maybe my NADA

>has more than one child!

>

>I first realized that my NADA might have BPD about 1.5 ago but

>I am just now " getting " around to working my way through all

>the muckity muck. I have known for as long as I can remember

>that something was not right with my NADA. I was told that she

>had been diagnosed with Bipolar disorder before I was born (I

>am 27), I have been told about her drug use and I witnessed how

>she treatead my dad, my stepfather and her other self

>destructive behaviors. I suppose that I could go on and on with

>how she was while I was growing up, but I feel that would be a

>waste of words as it is what it is and I can't change it.

>

>What has brought me to work through my issues and dealing with

>her was the epiphany that came about while I was sitting in one

>of my grad classes (I am a School Psychology grad student and

>therefore have a pretty extensive mental health

>background...but it is so different when it is your family and

>not a student or client). We were talking about personality

>disorders in one of my DSM/Clinical classes and everything

>started to 'click " in place. This was sometime around March of

>'10. Over the next few months I looked for evidence both for

>and against the fact that my mom might be a person with BPD.

>the more I searched, the longer my " facts for " list became

>longer and longer. In July of last year, my mom lost it

>completely while at my house and I was 100% convinced that I

>have a mom with BPD.

>

>Last year my husband was in Afghanistan and my mom was watching

>our infant daughter 2 times per week so that I could go to grad

>school. I felt trapped because I had no other way of going to

>school at the time and I felt so guilty taking my daughter away

>from my mom when she was so happy when she was around her.

>Things have gotten worse and worse and I could write a 700 page

>novel detailing all of the craziness that has happened since

>last July!

>

>I have begun to see a therapist to help myself deal with all of

>this. As a result, I have begun setting boundaries with my mom

>and don't call her every day and choose my amazing mother in

>law (who just retired and can now provide childcare)to watch my

>daugher when I need it. She has noticed the changes and now my

>therapist wants me to talk to her and explain why I am doing

>what I am doing and why I will not have my daughter around her

>without me there. So here is the question...how do you have

>this conversation? I can read the books and know in my academic

>mind what to say and how to say it, but when showtime comes it

>is SOOO different. I know it won't go well. So is it worth it?

>How do I even approach it? We are supposed to get together this

>next Saturday to talk after an argument we had over the phone

>over a week ago now. I am terrified and had a visit with her

>today so my daughter and she could see each other. The entire

>time my stomach felt like it had been punched and my chest has

>felt tight ever since. When we went to say goodbye she refused

>to hug my 20 month old daughter goodbye and had huffed

>downstairs after I asked when a good time to talk would be.

>When she was on the computer downstairs she began blasting

>songs like the Dixie chicks " I'm not ready to make right...I'm

>as mad as hell " . SOOO mature! I think she is just expecting an

>appology and that all will go back to normal.

>

>I am done with her behavior, but I am feeling very guilty and

>not sure how to go about dealing with it. HELP!!!!

>

--

Katrina