Had to Like What Nada Liked!

February 12, 2012

I was just thinking today about how upset my nada - well, both my parents,

actually - would get if I didn't like what they liked, whether it be a TV

show, music, a person, a color - anything - and, conversely, how upset they

would get if I liked something they didn't.

Let's say I liked a certain song. (My tastes ran to Joni , Judy

, Nyro, , and Broadway musicals). When I was

listening to it, one or both of them would come in my room and tell me what

junk the music was, how stupid I was for liking it, and how that kind of

music was for idiots, so I must be an idiot

Or they'd be listening to some music, and ask me if I liked it. If I did,

that was great. If I said I didn't care for it (and I usually didn't,

because they were into Sinatra, Lawrence Welk, Dean , etc., who

I considered boring and old-fashioned) they'd yell at me and tell me how

stupid I was, and how my taste was in the gutter.

And friends - my nada would literally push her friends on me. (She had two

friends). I thought both of them were creepy, and I had no interest in

hanging out with them more than I had to. And I have no doubt they didn't

want to hang out with me either, especially her best friend, who was very

vocal about not liking children or teenagers. But she would somehow

convince them to take me to movies or plays, and/or out to dinner, and my

mother's friend and I would be sitting there uncomfortably, and would have

absolutely nothing to talk about, and all I wanted to do was get away.Then

when the friend took me home, if I didn't rave about what a wonderful time

I had with this amazing friend of my mother's, I'd be in big trouble.

As for my friends, my mother would fixate on certain of them, and go on and

on about them. One of my best friends in college was a lesbian. I didn't

think about that one way or another - she was simply a good friend of mine.

Well, my mother went gaga over her, and kept telling me I should spend less

time with my other friends and more time with my lesbian friend because she

was so amazing and beautiful. And when that friend came over, my mother

would hover over her and fawn over her, and it was just icky!! I didn't

know at the time that my mother was gay (although she sexually molested me,

I didn't put two and two together - unbelievable, but true!). What she was

doing was encouraging me to be gay, because SHE was gay! Heck, I wouldn't

have minded being gay. The thing is, I was straight. My mother couldn't

stand that fact.

She also adored my gay male friends and openly despised my straight male

friends.

When I was in my 20s, my mother told me she was gay, and that her two

creepy friends were her lovers, and she told me about her very first lover,

who she'd lived with, and insisted I meet her. I had no interest in meeting

this woman, and told my mother that, and my mother went nuts, and had a

full-blown screaming tantrum until I agreed to meet the woman. I went to

the woman's house and - guess what - she was creepy! And she came on to me,

even though she was 40 years older than me. I left as soon as I could.

Well, this woman started calling me a lot and asking me out. ARGHGHGH! And

my mother would tell me to go on dates with her and be nice to her, and

when I'd say I didn't want to, my mother would have a nasty screaming fit,

calling me mean, selfish, unloving, etc. To her, it didn't matter how I

felt, or what I wanted or didn't want, or that I happened to be straight.

My mother truly saw me as a clone of herself.

Anyway - just something I was thinking about.

Judy

February 12, 2012

My nada was like that too. She would become upset with me if I didn't agree

with her opinions, her tastes, her likes and dislikes. It was like I insulted

her if I didn't like the same music she liked, the same foods, the same colors.

I wasn't allowed to be an individual. Even as an adult in my 4o's (and nada in

her 60's) if nada felt cold and wanted a sweater, she would become genuinely

upset and even angry at me if I wasn't cold and didn't want a sweater. I

learned to just knuckle under and comply to avoid ugly scenes. But underneath,

all that knuckling under and kowtowing to mom's dictates was building up a huge

reservoir of resentment and anger inside me. Very, very unhealthy.

Its just not a normal or healthy mother/child relationship; at least mine

wasn't. Mine was very enmeshed and unhealthy.

-Annie

>

> I was just thinking today about how upset my nada - well, both my parents,

> actually - would get if I didn't like what they liked, whether it be a TV

> show, music, a person, a color - anything - and, conversely, how upset they

> would get if I liked something they didn't.

> Let's say I liked a certain song. (My tastes ran to Joni , Judy

> , Nyro, , and Broadway musicals). When I was

> listening to it, one or both of them would come in my room and tell me what

> junk the music was, how stupid I was for liking it, and how that kind of

> music was for idiots, so I must be an idiot

> Or they'd be listening to some music, and ask me if I liked it. If I did,

> that was great. If I said I didn't care for it (and I usually didn't,

> because they were into Sinatra, Lawrence Welk, Dean , etc., who

> I considered boring and old-fashioned) they'd yell at me and tell me how

> stupid I was, and how my taste was in the gutter.

> And friends - my nada would literally push her friends on me. (She had two

> friends). I thought both of them were creepy, and I had no interest in

> hanging out with them more than I had to. And I have no doubt they didn't

> want to hang out with me either, especially her best friend, who was very

> vocal about not liking children or teenagers. But she would somehow

> convince them to take me to movies or plays, and/or out to dinner, and my

> mother's friend and I would be sitting there uncomfortably, and would have

> absolutely nothing to talk about, and all I wanted to do was get away.Then

> when the friend took me home, if I didn't rave about what a wonderful time

> I had with this amazing friend of my mother's, I'd be in big trouble.

> As for my friends, my mother would fixate on certain of them, and go on and

> on about them. One of my best friends in college was a lesbian. I didn't

> think about that one way or another - she was simply a good friend of mine.

> Well, my mother went gaga over her, and kept telling me I should spend less

> time with my other friends and more time with my lesbian friend because she

> was so amazing and beautiful. And when that friend came over, my mother

> would hover over her and fawn over her, and it was just icky!! I didn't

> know at the time that my mother was gay (although she sexually molested me,

> I didn't put two and two together - unbelievable, but true!). What she was

> doing was encouraging me to be gay, because SHE was gay! Heck, I wouldn't

> have minded being gay. The thing is, I was straight. My mother couldn't

> stand that fact.

> She also adored my gay male friends and openly despised my straight male

> friends.

> When I was in my 20s, my mother told me she was gay, and that her two

> creepy friends were her lovers, and she told me about her very first lover,

> who she'd lived with, and insisted I meet her. I had no interest in meeting

> this woman, and told my mother that, and my mother went nuts, and had a

> full-blown screaming tantrum until I agreed to meet the woman. I went to

> the woman's house and - guess what - she was creepy! And she came on to me,

> even though she was 40 years older than me. I left as soon as I could.

> Well, this woman started calling me a lot and asking me out. ARGHGHGH! And

> my mother would tell me to go on dates with her and be nice to her, and

> when I'd say I didn't want to, my mother would have a nasty screaming fit,

> calling me mean, selfish, unloving, etc. To her, it didn't matter how I

> felt, or what I wanted or didn't want, or that I happened to be straight.

> My mother truly saw me as a clone of herself.

> Anyway - just something I was thinking about.

>

> Judy

>

February 12, 2012

I wanted to add, that whole thing of your mother coercing and badgering you to

" be nice " to her former lover(s) was nothing short of major creepy.

Incest-level creepy. Good Lord. I'm not referring to the sexual orientation:

pandering behaviors from a parent toward his or her own child are totally

inappropriate and major-league creepy whether the mother's (or father's) former

lover(s) are male or female. Gah!!!

Attempting to treat your own child as a sexual toy is just so wrong, on so many

levels its dizzying.

Holy freaking cow.