Guest guest Posted July 18, 2011 Report Share Posted July 18, 2011 I'd be really interested to talk to someone who has been NC for say 30 years or so? What's the longest folks have been NC? I'm 8.5 years. I'm curious to see what the future might hold for me. I'm in my (uhum) late 30s now. What's it going to be like in my 50s? Even 40s? Curiousness. . . . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 18, 2011 Report Share Posted July 18, 2011 I'm also very curious about this. I'm in my early 20's and have only been NC for about a month and thinking about the possibility of never having nada in my life again. It makes me wonder how my life will be different. I had always assumed she wouldn't go off the deep end and I could rely on her love for babies to be in my life if I ever decide to start a family and then would wean her away as they got older, but hearing from the experience of others in this group, that might not be a logical or pragmatic plan of action. My paternal grandmother went NC with her non-PD but equally nutty mother when she was 19. She's in her 70's now and has only seen her once at her father's funeral. From our conversations about her, she doesn't regret not having her in her life. I hope I can get to a place where I feel similarly. > > I'd be really interested to talk to someone who has been NC for say 30 years > or so? What's the longest folks have been NC? I'm 8.5 years. I'm curious to > see what the future might hold for me. I'm in my (uhum) late 30s now. What's > it going to be like in my 50s? Even 40s? > > Curiousness. . . . > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 18, 2011 Report Share Posted July 18, 2011 Me too! I'm very LC (snail mail only), and even that is dicey at times. My nada can get very vindictive and accusatory on paper, besides sending me " presents " that are really just projections of her rage onto me. I sometimes feel like I should get the bomb squad over to open her letters and packages to me! I was reading an amazon.com review for a book about emotionally disordered parents, which I cannot remember the title of right now, but the reviews gave me an interesting window into longterm NC. There were several reviewers who spoke about being NC for decades, and what a relief it was to not have to deal with their disordered parent. I believe that everyone who has to make these kinds of radical decisions about their mother or father experiences regret and sadness at times, but maybe doesn't share that in public. Still, It was a huge relief to me to see that these people were not reporting guilt or sadness about their decisions overall. > > I'd be really interested to talk to someone who has been NC for say 30 years > or so? What's the longest folks have been NC? I'm 8.5 years. I'm curious to > see what the future might hold for me. I'm in my (uhum) late 30s now. What's > it going to be like in my 50s? Even 40s? > > Curiousness. . . . > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 18, 2011 Report Share Posted July 18, 2011 I'm curious too, Girlscout. In fact, I'm only about 7 months into NC, so I'd like to hear from you, Girlscout. What was it like after the first year? My nada hasn't really tried to contact me at all since I moved. I don't know if she's given up or is using it to play up the whole waif thing to other family members. I know that I really don't care what's going on with her or anything. After how she treated me, I simply see her as a person who mistreated me and therefore is not worthy of my acquaintance, mother or not. What was it like after the big 12 month mark? What about 2 years? Thanks, > > I'd be really interested to talk to someone who has been NC for say 30 years > or so? What's the longest folks have been NC? I'm 8.5 years. I'm curious to > see what the future might hold for me. I'm in my (uhum) late 30s now. What's > it going to be like in my 50s? Even 40s? > > Curiousness. . . . > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 18, 2011 Report Share Posted July 18, 2011 I was NC with my nada for 10 years, from the time my daughter was about 5.5. until she was almost 16. I saw how she was getting confused and hurt by nada's comments, and I decided I wasn't going to allow nada to have that kind of influence on another little girl. I have absolutely no regrets!!! When my daughter was almost 16 she went to visit, briefly, totally her choice. (she was a very " together " 16 yr old) Then a few months later I made contact again. That was 18 years ago. We are still very LC: a few phone calls a year, maybe 1 or 2 brief visits, NC for major holidays, like Christmas or my birthday. Though I did " need " to visit recently, to check it all out. My father (npd) died 2 months ago (he and I never had any sort of relationship). My nada lives on my brother's property, where he also lives, and I have a decent relationship with him. I needed to see the extent of the bpd and evaluate for myself where my brother is with all of it--nada is still nada, and brother is hanging in there, learning to set boundaries. Bottom line: I do not regret the NC, or the LC; and now that my father is gone, I know for sure I never will regret it. > > I'd be really interested to talk to someone who has been NC for say 30 years > or so? What's the longest folks have been NC? I'm 8.5 years. I'm curious to > see what the future might hold for me. I'm in my (uhum) late 30s now. What's > it going to be like in my 50s? Even 40s? > > Curiousness. . . . > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 19, 2011 Report Share Posted July 19, 2011 Ok here is what it was like for me. Different for me because I didn't know about BPD or anything. So here's my timeline. Year 1 - age 28, filed for divorce. Nada didn't speak to me for two months after I filed then came to my house and hurled horrid words at me while pretending it was for my own good. I thought about it for a few weeks, maybe a month and pulled the plug. I couldn't even imagine why I would ever ever ever ever speak to her again. I spend Christmas (about 8 months later) with a new boyfriend and my airedale. Year 2 - NC was my big secret. I didn't tell many people and I didn't get much support. I take a shooting (guns) class with fada and he falls apart in the car saying it has been a horrible year. I say that's too bad. He says when are you going to talk to your mother again? I say I haven't ruled speaking to her ever again out for the rest of my life but it will be on my time, pls tell her not to contact me (she is sending letters and cards that say horrible horrible things inside and include a check) . At Christmas that year my boyfriend and I go down to see my parents. I keep boundaries, even extre me chill with nada. My dad calls the next day and nada ends up talking to me. She says " Your boyfriend sure is smarter than he looks. " My boyfriend was gorgeous - a very masculine version of Russel Crow. What a freaking bitch to find a way to cut him down. I instantly go back to NC. Year 3- Things are difficult with my boyfriend because he has alcoholism and mental illness tendencies due to childhood abuse. At Christmas Nada aand Fada came to my house for Christmas. I never made eye contact with nada and I avoided her questions. She seemed just as scared as me as I was of her. I only did it to keep my father in my life. Boyfriend and I end up splitting up in Feb, we both made mistakes and he has stopped trying. So I move on. Meet my current boyfrilnd of the past almost 6 years. Current boyfriend AKA pooh bear instantly understands NC and encourages me to keep it. I end up quitting my job due to harassment of the sexual/gender kind. I then experience the most difficult 3 years of my life. I talk to fada about it on the phone. I move a few blocks west to live with Pooh Bear. My parents see his house for a few min and are totally aghast because it needs so much work. I end up having a few short experiences being in the same room with nada (though I don't speak to her or look at her directly). I am reminded by their reaction to me moving into a house that needs work that I need NC. Year 4 - This is the big one. I begin to get my career back on track. At christmas I call fada and tell him we will stop by on the way to see Pooh Bear's parents. Fada trys to strong arm me into planning it around nada's 'church " schedule. i say no, fada baby talks " But you'll wooin Cwistmas " and I a disgusted by it. I hang up and I pull the plug on any further interactions. Year 5 - I spend this entire year reading about BPD and find this group. I spend all my time here. I begin celebrating the date I filed 6for divorce from ex husband as my NC date. Year 6 - whole lot of depression and suicidal tendancies. Too much vodka Year 7 - I begin to see a psychiatrist He helps My brother marries someone and I only hear about it because she begins harassing me on Facebook. I fight back with the cops. My grandmmother dies. I ignore the calls and e-mails, Pooh bear checks them and gives me the info I need to know. skipping the funeral brings new level of hatred from " sister-in-law " I have to admit I'm pretty relieved when grandma crosses over because fada has used her to emotionally blackmail me for decades. On Jan 1 2010 I quit drinking alchol for good. In Sept I begin therapy. T tells me I have had an umbilical chord connecting me to the paset. We get to work cutting it and the less I drag the behind me the better things go. Year 8 - I tackle the safe people issue. I learn to set boundaries with my job. I work on my self image. I start to realize that people who say " but she's your mooooooooother " have major problems and learning deficits - duh - they heard that as kids and haven't questioned the authority who said it. I start to see others and myself differently. Year 8 + I start really fighting for my dreams. I go through good and bad times. I extend hand to friends with the same problme, but when they don't accept I don't jump in the pit with them. I finish remodeling and I stick out my tongue towrd the south and say neeener neener neeener I told you I could do it!!!!!! Now I want to know what's next! YAY On Mon, Jul 18, 2011 at 10:43 PM, Gomes wro > ** > > > I was NC with my nada for 10 years, from the time my daughter was about > 5.5. until she was almost 16. I saw hi I w she was getting confused and hurt > by nada's comments, and I decided I wasn't going to allow nada to have that > kind of influence on another little girl. > I have absolutely no regrets!!! > > When my daughter was almost 16 she went to visit, briefly, totally her > choice. (she was a very " together " 16 yr old) Then a few months later I made > contact again. That was 18 years ago. We are still very LC: a few phone > calls a year, maybe 1 or 2 brief visits, NC for major holidays, like > Christmas or my birthday. > > Though I did " need " to visit recently, to check it all out. My father (npd) > died 2 months ago (he and I never had any sort of relationship). My nada > lives on my brother's property, where he also lives, and I have a decent > relationship with him. I needed to see the extent of the bpd and evaluate > for myself where my brother is with all of it--nada is still nada, and > brother is hanging in there, learning to set boundaries. > > Bottom line: I do not regret the NC, or the LC; and now that my father is > gone, I know for sure I never will regret it. > > > > > > I'd be really interested to talk to someone who has been NC for say 30 > years > > or so? What's the longest folks have been NC? I'm 8.5 years. I'm curious > to > > see what the future might hold for me. I'm in my (uhum) late 30s now. > What's > > it going to be like in my 50s? Even 40s? > > > > Curiousness. . . . > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 19, 2011 Report Share Posted July 19, 2011 It is great to see your progression and is an inspiration for those of us just beginning our journey. I only realized that my nada had BPD a few weeks ago. I always knew she was not normal, but had no clue why, or what to do about it. By reading the Stop Walking on Eggshells book, I finally feel like I am not the crazy one....she is. She will never change and in her mind I will always be wrong. My entire life she has tried to mold me into what she needs and wants without regard to what I might actually want/need. I am in therapy now trying to uncover who I really am apart from my foo. I am excited to start my journey this way: July 2011- I realize what is actually going on in my foo and take back my life. I am beginning to go out again and do things for myself regardless of how pissed of people might be. I am officially off the roller coaster! ......I hope that I am able to continue my journey in a healthy and productive way! I am super excited about taking back my life. To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Tuesday, July 19, 2011 9:40 AM Subject: Re: Re: NC length Ok here is what it was like for me. Different for me because I didn't know about BPD or anything. So here's my timeline. Year 1 - age 28, filed for divorce. Nada didn't speak to me for two months after I filed then came to my house and hurled horrid words at me while pretending it was for my own good. I thought about it for a few weeks, maybe a month and pulled the plug. I couldn't even imagine why I would ever ever ever ever speak to her again. I spend Christmas (about 8 months later) with a new boyfriend and my airedale. Year 2 - NC was my big secret. I didn't tell many people and I didn't get much support. I take a shooting (guns) class with fada and he falls apart in the car saying it has been a horrible year. I say that's too bad. He says when are you going to talk to your mother again? I say I haven't ruled speaking to her ever again out for the rest of my life but it will be on my time, pls tell her not to contact me (she is sending letters and cards that say horrible horrible things inside and include a check) . At Christmas that year my boyfriend and I go down to see my parents. I keep boundaries, even extre me chill with nada. My dad calls the next day and nada ends up talking to me. She says " Your boyfriend sure is smarter than he looks. " My boyfriend was gorgeous - a very masculine version of Russel Crow. What a freaking bitch to find a way to cut him down. I instantly go back to NC. Year 3- Things are difficult with my boyfriend because he has alcoholism and mental illness tendencies due to childhood abuse. At Christmas Nada aand Fada came to my house for Christmas. I never made eye contact with nada and I avoided her questions. She seemed just as scared as me as I was of her. I only did it to keep my father in my life. Boyfriend and I end up splitting up in Feb, we both made mistakes and he has stopped trying. So I move on. Meet my current boyfrilnd of the past almost 6 years. Current boyfriend AKA pooh bear instantly understands NC and encourages me to keep it. I end up quitting my job due to harassment of the sexual/gender kind. I then experience the most difficult 3 years of my life. I talk to fada about it on the phone. I move a few blocks west to live with Pooh Bear. My parents see his house for a few min and are totally aghast because it needs so much work. I end up having a few short experiences being in the same room with nada (though I don't speak to her or look at her directly). I am reminded by their reaction to me moving into a house that needs work that I need NC. Year 4 - This is the big one. I begin to get my career back on track. At christmas I call fada and tell him we will stop by on the way to see Pooh Bear's parents. Fada trys to strong arm me into planning it around nada's 'church " schedule. i say no, fada baby talks " But you'll wooin Cwistmas " and I a disgusted by it. I hang up and I pull the plug on any further interactions. Year 5 - I spend this entire year reading about BPD and find this group. I spend all my time here. I begin celebrating the date I filed 6for divorce from ex husband as my NC date. Year 6 - whole lot of depression and suicidal tendancies. Too much vodka Year 7 - I begin to see a psychiatrist He helps My brother marries someone and I only hear about it because she begins harassing me on Facebook. I fight back with the cops. My grandmmother dies. I ignore the calls and e-mails, Pooh bear checks them and gives me the info I need to know. skipping the funeral brings new level of hatred from " sister-in-law " I have to admit I'm pretty relieved when grandma crosses over because fada has used her to emotionally blackmail me for decades. On Jan 1 2010 I quit drinking alchol for good. In Sept I begin therapy. T tells me I have had an umbilical chord connecting me to the paset. We get to work cutting it and the less I drag the behind me the better things go. Year 8 - I tackle the safe people issue. I learn to set boundaries with my job. I work on my self image. I start to realize that people who say " but she's your mooooooooother " have major problems and learning deficits - duh - they heard that as kids and haven't questioned the authority who said it. I start to see others and myself differently. Year 8 + I start really fighting for my dreams. I go through good and bad times. I extend hand to friends with the same problme, but when they don't accept I don't jump in the pit with them. I finish remodeling and I stick out my tongue towrd the south and say neeener neener neeener I told you I could do it!!!!!! Now I want to know what's next! YAY On Mon, Jul 18, 2011 at 10:43 PM, Gomes wro > ** > > > I was NC with my nada for 10 years, from the time my daughter was about > 5.5. until she was almost 16. I saw hi I w she was getting confused and hurt > by nada's comments, and I decided I wasn't going to allow nada to have that > kind of influence on another little girl. > I have absolutely no regrets!!! > > When my daughter was almost 16 she went to visit, briefly, totally her > choice. (she was a very " together " 16 yr old) Then a few months later I made > contact again. That was 18 years ago. We are still very LC: a few phone > calls a year, maybe 1 or 2 brief visits, NC for major holidays, like > Christmas or my birthday. > > Though I did " need " to visit recently, to check it all out. My father (npd) > died 2 months ago (he and I never had any sort of relationship). My nada > lives on my brother's property, where he also lives, and I have a decent > relationship with him. I needed to see the extent of the bpd and evaluate > for myself where my brother is with all of it--nada is still nada, and > brother is hanging in there, learning to set boundaries. > > Bottom line: I do not regret the NC, or the LC; and now that my father is > gone, I know for sure I never will regret it. > > > > > > I'd be really interested to talk to someone who has been NC for say 30 > years > > or so? What's the longest folks have been NC? I'm 8.5 years. I'm curious > to > > see what the future might hold for me. I'm in my (uhum) late 30s now. > What's > > it going to be like in my 50s? Even 40s? > > > > Curiousness. . . . > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 19, 2011 Report Share Posted July 19, 2011 Great work lee! Proud of you. Sorry for all the typos I had a bad morning. My electronics keep going out. I think its the heat of summer and no central air in my house. So anyway, I did the best I could. Have a great day guys. > ** > > > It is great to see your progression and is an inspiration for those of us > just beginning our journey. I only realized that my nada had BPD a few > weeks ago. I always knew she was not normal, but had no clue why, or what > to do about it. By reading the Stop Walking on Eggshells book, I finally > feel like I am not the crazy one....she is. She will never change and in > her mind I will always be wrong. My entire life she has tried to mold me > into what she needs and wants without regard to what I might actually > want/need. I am in therapy now trying to uncover who I really am apart from > my foo. I am excited to start my journey this way: > > July 2011- I realize what is actually going on in my foo and take back my > life. I am beginning to go out again and do things for myself regardless of > how pissed of people might be. I am officially off the roller coaster! > > .....I hope that I am able to continue my journey in a healthy and > productive way! I am super excited about taking back my life. > > > > > To: WTOAdultChildren1 > Sent: Tuesday, July 19, 2011 9:40 AM > Subject: Re: Re: NC length > > > Ok here is what it was like for me. Different for me because I didn't know > about BPD or anything. So here's my timeline. > Year 1 - age 28, filed for divorce. Nada didn't speak to me for two months > after I filed then came to my house and hurled horrid words at me while > pretending it was for my own good. I thought about it for a few weeks, > maybe > a month and pulled the plug. I couldn't even imagine why I would ever ever > ever ever speak to her again. I spend Christmas (about 8 months later) with > a new boyfriend and my airedale. > > Year 2 - NC was my big secret. I didn't tell many people and I didn't get > much support. I take a shooting (guns) class with fada and he falls apart > in > the car saying it has been a horrible year. I say that's too bad. He says > when are you going to talk to your mother again? I say I haven't ruled > speaking to her ever again out for the rest of my life but it will be on my > time, pls tell her not to contact me (she is sending letters and cards that > say horrible horrible things inside and include a check) . At Christmas > that > year my boyfriend and I go down to see my parents. I keep boundaries, even > extre me chill with nada. My dad calls the next day and nada ends up > talking to me. She says " Your boyfriend sure is smarter than he looks. " My > boyfriend was gorgeous - a very masculine version of Russel Crow. What a > freaking bitch to find a way to cut him down. I instantly go back to NC. > > Year 3- Things are difficult with my boyfriend because he has alcoholism > and > mental illness tendencies due to childhood abuse. At Christmas Nada aand > Fada came to my house for Christmas. I never made eye contact with nada and > I avoided her questions. She seemed just as scared as me as I was of her. I > only did it to keep my father in my life. Boyfriend and I end up splitting > up in Feb, we both made mistakes and he has stopped trying. So I move on. > Meet my current boyfrilnd of the past almost 6 years. Current boyfriend AKA > pooh bear instantly understands NC and encourages me to keep it. I end up > quitting my job due to harassment of the sexual/gender kind. I then > experience the most difficult 3 years of my life. I talk to fada about it > on > the phone. I move a few blocks west to live with Pooh Bear. My parents see > his house for a few min and are totally aghast because it needs so much > work. I end up having a few short experiences being in the same room with > nada (though I don't speak to her or look at her directly). I am reminded > by > their reaction to me moving into a house that needs work that I need NC. > > Year 4 - This is the big one. I begin to get my career back on track. At > christmas I call fada and tell him we will stop by on the way to see Pooh > Bear's parents. Fada trys to strong arm me into planning it around nada's > 'church " schedule. i say no, fada baby talks " But you'll wooin Cwistmas " > and > I a disgusted by it. I hang up and I pull the plug on any further > interactions. > > Year 5 - I spend this entire year reading about BPD and find this group. I > spend all my time here. I begin celebrating the date I filed 6for divorce > from ex husband as my NC date. > > Year 6 - whole lot of depression and suicidal tendancies. Too much vodka > > Year 7 - I begin to see a psychiatrist He helps My brother marries someone > and I only hear about it because she begins harassing me on Facebook. I > fight back with the cops. My grandmmother dies. I ignore the calls and > e-mails, Pooh bear checks them and gives me the info I need to > know. skipping the funeral brings new level of hatred from " sister-in-law " > I > have to admit I'm pretty relieved when grandma crosses over because fada > has > used her to emotionally blackmail me for decades. On Jan 1 2010 I quit > drinking alchol for good. In Sept I begin therapy. T tells me I have had an > umbilical chord connecting me to the paset. We get to work cutting it and > the less I drag the behind me the better things go. > > Year 8 - I tackle the safe people issue. I learn to set boundaries with my > job. I work on my self image. I start to realize that people who say " but > she's your mooooooooother " have major problems and learning deficits - duh > - > they heard that as kids and haven't questioned the authority who said it. I > start to see others and myself differently. > > Year 8 + I start really fighting for my dreams. I go through good and bad > times. I extend hand to friends with the same problme, but when they don't > accept I don't jump in the pit with them. I finish remodeling and I stick > out my tongue towrd the south and say neeener neener neeener I told you I > could do it!!!!!! > > Now I want to know what's next! YAY > > On Mon, Jul 18, 2011 at 10:43 PM, Gomes wro > > > ** > > > > > > I was NC with my nada for 10 years, from the time my daughter was about > > 5.5. until she was almost 16. I saw hi I w she was getting confused and > hurt > > by nada's comments, and I decided I wasn't going to allow nada to have > that > > kind of influence on another little girl. > > I have absolutely no regrets!!! > > > > When my daughter was almost 16 she went to visit, briefly, totally her > > choice. (she was a very " together " 16 yr old) Then a few months later I > made > > contact again. That was 18 years ago. We are still very LC: a few phone > > calls a year, maybe 1 or 2 brief visits, NC for major holidays, like > > Christmas or my birthday. > > > > Though I did " need " to visit recently, to check it all out. My father > (npd) > > died 2 months ago (he and I never had any sort of relationship). My nada > > lives on my brother's property, where he also lives, and I have a decent > > relationship with him. I needed to see the extent of the bpd and evaluate > > for myself where my brother is with all of it--nada is still nada, and > > brother is hanging in there, learning to set boundaries. > > > > Bottom line: I do not regret the NC, or the LC; and now that my father is > > gone, I know for sure I never will regret it. > > > > > > > > > > I'd be really interested to talk to someone who has been NC for say 30 > > years > > > or so? What's the longest folks have been NC? I'm 8.5 years. I'm > curious > > to > > > see what the future might hold for me. I'm in my (uhum) late 30s now. > > What's > > > it going to be like in my 50s? Even 40s? > > > > > > Curiousness. . . . > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 19, 2011 Report Share Posted July 19, 2011 Hi annafelicity, Could you let us know the name of that book about emotionally disordered parents and a lot of the people who wrote reviews about it going NC if you ever remember the name? I'm very curious to learn more about people who have chosen not to have relationships with their parents due to abuse but it still not seem to be a very mainstream or recognized thing, something I wish that were more recognized and respected as a viable choice for people who do not have normal parents as family members, but rather people who want to destroy their soul. > ** > > > Me too! I'm very LC (snail mail only), and even that is dicey at times. My > nada can get very vindictive and accusatory on paper, besides sending me > " presents " that are really just projections of her rage onto me. I sometimes > feel like I should get the bomb squad over to open her letters and packages > to me! > > I was reading an amazon.com review for a book about emotionally disordered > parents, which I cannot remember the title of right now, but the reviews > gave me an interesting window into longterm NC. There were several reviewers > who spoke about being NC for decades, and what a relief it was to not have > to deal with their disordered parent. I believe that everyone who has to > make these kinds of radical decisions about their mother or father > experiences regret and sadness at times, but maybe doesn't share that in > public. Still, It was a huge relief to me to see that these people were not > reporting guilt or sadness about their decisions overall. > > > > > > > I'd be really interested to talk to someone who has been NC for say 30 > years > > or so? What's the longest folks have been NC? I'm 8.5 years. I'm curious > to > > see what the future might hold for me. I'm in my (uhum) late 30s now. > What's > > it going to be like in my 50s? Even 40s? > > > > Curiousness. . . . > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 20, 2011 Report Share Posted July 20, 2011 Hey girlscout, you are so courageous. it' s so easy to stay in touch with someone even tho they're verbally abusive just b/c she's your mother. i actually googled yesterday this search, " how many times a week do you talk to your mother? " I was shocked to find other forums where people were saying, " I talk to my mom 4 or 5 times a day, at least. She's my best friend! " Honestly, I think there's something wrong there. Even if the mom is a saint, there is something wrong there. Or maybe it's just me, as my mother likes to remind me. Thanks for sharing your journey! > > > > > > I'd be really interested to talk to someone who has been NC for say 30 > > years > > > or so? What's the longest folks have been NC? I'm 8.5 years. I'm curious > > to > > > see what the future might hold for me. I'm in my (uhum) late 30s now. > > What's > > > it going to be like in my 50s? Even 40s? > > > > > > Curiousness. . . . > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 20, 2011 Report Share Posted July 20, 2011 I certainly will, and I'll post a link to the reviews. Maybe I can get there by reviewing my history on amazon. > > > > > > I'd be really interested to talk to someone who has been NC for say 30 > > years > > > or so? What's the longest folks have been NC? I'm 8.5 years. I'm curious > > to > > > see what the future might hold for me. I'm in my (uhum) late 30s now. > > What's > > > it going to be like in my 50s? Even 40s? > > > > > > Curiousness. . . . > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 20, 2011 Report Share Posted July 20, 2011 I've been NC 2.5 years and I'd like to say it gets progressively better, but that's not really true. It's more of a rocky road with some parts of my life getting better and some relationships getting better, with others getting worse, but overall slow progress and a lot of the damage or lost relationships were inevitable and things I just had to face if I wanted to reclaim myself (or actually, claim for the first time, come to think of it) and move forward with my life. And a lot of those people were not in my life for me in the first place, so losing them was sad for a few months, but not really sad anymore, because if they weren't there for me when things got really tough with my foo or if they didn't trust me or only had room to listen to the flying monkeys and nada's stories, then I really didn't need for them to be in my life if they really weren't there for me. It's sort of the collateral damage and falling out that occurs with all of this, but when it came down to it, it was either lose them or lose myself and I wasn't going to lose me. Some people are never going to understand especially because BPD is so little understood and so under-the-radar in the layperson's world. And I used to take it upon myself so desperately to try to make them understand, thought it was my job to, but now I know that it's not. And that's been a tremendous burden lifted off me. I don't have to offer anyone any explanations, I didn't do anything wrong, and if I took myself out of certain situations to preserve my own safety and survival and people don't understand that, it's not my problem. I guess I would say it's not easy, but it's worth it because many other things do get better. On Tue, Jul 19, 2011 at 6:28 PM, Girlscout Cowboy < girlscout.cowboy@...> wrote: > Great work lee! Proud of you. > > Sorry for all the typos I had a bad morning. My electronics keep going out. > I think its the heat of summer and no central air in my house. So anyway, I > did the best I could. > > Have a great day guys. > > > > > ** > > > > > > It is great to see your progression and is an inspiration for those of us > > just beginning our journey. I only realized that my nada had BPD a few > > weeks ago. I always knew she was not normal, but had no clue why, or > what > > to do about it. By reading the Stop Walking on Eggshells book, I finally > > feel like I am not the crazy one....she is. She will never change and in > > her mind I will always be wrong. My entire life she has tried to mold me > > into what she needs and wants without regard to what I might actually > > want/need. I am in therapy now trying to uncover who I really am apart > from > > my foo. I am excited to start my journey this way: > > > > July 2011- I realize what is actually going on in my foo and take back my > > life. I am beginning to go out again and do things for myself regardless > of > > how pissed of people might be. I am officially off the roller coaster! > > > > .....I hope that I am able to continue my journey in a healthy and > > productive way! I am super excited about taking back my life. > > > > > > > > > > To: WTOAdultChildren1 > > Sent: Tuesday, July 19, 2011 9:40 AM > > Subject: Re: Re: NC length > > > > > > Ok here is what it was like for me. Different for me because I didn't > know > > about BPD or anything. So here's my timeline. > > Year 1 - age 28, filed for divorce. Nada didn't speak to me for two > months > > after I filed then came to my house and hurled horrid words at me while > > pretending it was for my own good. I thought about it for a few weeks, > > maybe > > a month and pulled the plug. I couldn't even imagine why I would ever > ever > > ever ever speak to her again. I spend Christmas (about 8 months later) > with > > a new boyfriend and my airedale. > > > > Year 2 - NC was my big secret. I didn't tell many people and I didn't > get > > much support. I take a shooting (guns) class with fada and he falls apart > > in > > the car saying it has been a horrible year. I say that's too bad. He says > > when are you going to talk to your mother again? I say I haven't ruled > > speaking to her ever again out for the rest of my life but it will be on > my > > time, pls tell her not to contact me (she is sending letters and cards > that > > say horrible horrible things inside and include a check) . At Christmas > > that > > year my boyfriend and I go down to see my parents. I keep boundaries, > even > > extre me chill with nada. My dad calls the next day and nada ends up > > talking to me. She says " Your boyfriend sure is smarter than he looks. " > My > > boyfriend was gorgeous - a very masculine version of Russel Crow. What a > > freaking bitch to find a way to cut him down. I instantly go back to NC. > > > > Year 3- Things are difficult with my boyfriend because he has alcoholism > > and > > mental illness tendencies due to childhood abuse. At Christmas Nada aand > > Fada came to my house for Christmas. I never made eye contact with nada > and > > I avoided her questions. She seemed just as scared as me as I was of her. > I > > only did it to keep my father in my life. Boyfriend and I end up > splitting > > up in Feb, we both made mistakes and he has stopped trying. So I move on. > > Meet my current boyfrilnd of the past almost 6 years. Current boyfriend > AKA > > pooh bear instantly understands NC and encourages me to keep it. I end up > > quitting my job due to harassment of the sexual/gender kind. I then > > experience the most difficult 3 years of my life. I talk to fada about it > > on > > the phone. I move a few blocks west to live with Pooh Bear. My parents > see > > his house for a few min and are totally aghast because it needs so much > > work. I end up having a few short experiences being in the same room with > > nada (though I don't speak to her or look at her directly). I am reminded > > by > > their reaction to me moving into a house that needs work that I need NC. > > > > Year 4 - This is the big one. I begin to get my career back on track. At > > christmas I call fada and tell him we will stop by on the way to see Pooh > > Bear's parents. Fada trys to strong arm me into planning it around nada's > > 'church " schedule. i say no, fada baby talks " But you'll wooin Cwistmas " > > and > > I a disgusted by it. I hang up and I pull the plug on any further > > interactions. > > > > Year 5 - I spend this entire year reading about BPD and find this group. > I > > spend all my time here. I begin celebrating the date I filed 6for divorce > > from ex husband as my NC date. > > > > Year 6 - whole lot of depression and suicidal tendancies. Too much vodka > > > > Year 7 - I begin to see a psychiatrist He helps My brother marries > someone > > and I only hear about it because she begins harassing me on Facebook. I > > fight back with the cops. My grandmmother dies. I ignore the calls and > > e-mails, Pooh bear checks them and gives me the info I need to > > know. skipping the funeral brings new level of hatred from > " sister-in-law " > > I > > have to admit I'm pretty relieved when grandma crosses over because fada > > has > > used her to emotionally blackmail me for decades. On Jan 1 2010 I quit > > drinking alchol for good. In Sept I begin therapy. T tells me I have had > an > > umbilical chord connecting me to the paset. We get to work cutting it and > > the less I drag the behind me the better things go. > > > > Year 8 - I tackle the safe people issue. I learn to set boundaries with > my > > job. I work on my self image. I start to realize that people who say " but > > she's your mooooooooother " have major problems and learning deficits - > duh > > - > > they heard that as kids and haven't questioned the authority who said it. > I > > start to see others and myself differently. > > > > Year 8 + I start really fighting for my dreams. I go through good and bad > > times. I extend hand to friends with the same problme, but when they > don't > > accept I don't jump in the pit with them. I finish remodeling and I stick > > out my tongue towrd the south and say neeener neener neeener I told you I > > could do it!!!!!! > > > > Now I want to know what's next! YAY > > > > On Mon, Jul 18, 2011 at 10:43 PM, Gomes wro > > > > > ** > > > > > > > > > I was NC with my nada for 10 years, from the time my daughter was about > > > 5.5. until she was almost 16. I saw hi I w she was getting confused and > > hurt > > > by nada's comments, and I decided I wasn't going to allow nada to have > > that > > > kind of influence on another little girl. > > > I have absolutely no regrets!!! > > > > > > When my daughter was almost 16 she went to visit, briefly, totally her > > > choice. (she was a very " together " 16 yr old) Then a few months later I > > made > > > contact again. That was 18 years ago. We are still very LC: a few phone > > > calls a year, maybe 1 or 2 brief visits, NC for major holidays, like > > > Christmas or my birthday. > > > > > > Though I did " need " to visit recently, to check it all out. My father > > (npd) > > > died 2 months ago (he and I never had any sort of relationship). My > nada > > > lives on my brother's property, where he also lives, and I have a > decent > > > relationship with him. I needed to see the extent of the bpd and > evaluate > > > for myself where my brother is with all of it--nada is still nada, and > > > brother is hanging in there, learning to set boundaries. > > > > > > Bottom line: I do not regret the NC, or the LC; and now that my father > is > > > gone, I know for sure I never will regret it. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > I'd be really interested to talk to someone who has been NC for say > 30 > > > years > > > > or so? What's the longest folks have been NC? I'm 8.5 years. I'm > > curious > > > to > > > > see what the future might hold for me. I'm in my (uhum) late 30s now. > > > What's > > > > it going to be like in my 50s? Even 40s? > > > > > > > > Curiousness. . . . > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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