Guest guest Posted February 12, 2012 Report Share Posted February 12, 2012 I am 47 years old with two teenage children and a wonderfully supportive husband. I survived a horrible, verbally and emotionally abusive childhood, thinking it was the way everyone was raised. Mother (abused by her own mother) tried to kill me by driving me into a brick wall at the age of 9 (among many other inappropriate actions,)narcissistic father's solution to all our problems was to pretend they weren't happening, place blame on me when I protested mother's abusive behavior and generally sweep everything under the rug. Mother oddly had a much better relationship with my brother and he could do no wrong. Brother is also narcissistic, far worse than father ever was so he will not accept any of the truth about our family either. When I left for college, I began to realize that my childhood was odd; when I was fortunate enough to find a loving husband, it became evident that my childhood was not just odd, but extremely abusive. Having my own children and feeling immense love for them showed me that my parents never had real love or genuine concern for me. As an abused child, I continued to try to gain the love of both my parents for many years. Six months ago, a terrible choice by my father caused me to write a letter to him, telling him exactly how hurt I've been by their behaviors over the years. Naturally, this was not well received by the narcissist father and the BPD mother went into a screaming fit of rage that I have never encountered before, directed squarely at me...in front of the entire extended family at a birthday gathering. As the entire family operates with a certain level of dysfunction, everyone simply turned a blind eye to it. I was shell shocked, had a complete shift of consciousness (a very spiritual experience which is often precipitated by trauma) and with clarity I had never known, realized that these people are toxic to me and I must cut the ties in order to save my daughters from a perpetuated cycle of abuse. Last week, my father became gravely ill and all the relatives who, heretofore, wanted nothing to do with helping our relationship, have come out of the woodwork, telling me I need to make amends with him so he can be at peace. While I could possibly reason, on a very limited basis with narcissistic father, the BPD mother is a loose canon and I simply cannot bear another hateful, rage filled encounter with her. I cannot possibly get to my father without encountering my mother. I want to stick to my guns and remain non-contact with the lot of them, not out of pride, but out of self-preservation and knowing it is the best thing for my daughters and husband as well. Naturally, the guilt from decades of BPD and NPD influence on my life are making me question my heartfelt belief that I must save myself and my children from further damage. Does anyone have any experience with BPD and NPD parents (in their 70s)having any sort of a revelation near the end of their days that might make reaching out to them worth my while or should I trust my gut and remain out of contact, continuing my own effort to salvage what is left of my life and protecting my daughters? Thank you, in advance, for any advice or relating similar experiences that could help me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 13, 2012 Report Share Posted February 13, 2012 Welcome! You and I have rather similar stories. Both of my parents are n/bpd and my mother acted like she would kill me and I repressed everything to save myself from that knowledge. My advice to you would be to stay away from your parents. Parents who do not love and protect their children forfeit all their rights to " peace " and whatever else these people think you owe them. Good luck. We are here for you. Listen to your gut. On Sun, Feb 12, 2012 at 9:20 PM, botanicalcurls wrote: > ** > > > I am 47 years old with two teenage children and a wonderfully supportive > husband. I survived a horrible, verbally and emotionally abusive childhood, > thinking it was the way everyone was raised. Mother (abused by her own > mother) tried to kill me by driving me into a brick wall at the age of 9 > (among many other inappropriate actions,)narcissistic father's solution to > all our problems was to pretend they weren't happening, place blame on me > when I protested mother's abusive behavior and generally sweep everything > under the rug. Mother oddly had a much better relationship with my brother > and he could do no wrong. Brother is also narcissistic, far worse than > father ever was so he will not accept any of the truth about our family > either. When I left for college, I began to realize that my childhood was > odd; when I was fortunate enough to find a loving husband, it became > evident that my childhood was not just odd, but extremely abusive. Having > my own children and feeling immense love for them showed me that my parents > never had real love or genuine concern for me. As an abused child, I > continued to try to gain the love of both my parents for many years. Six > months ago, a terrible choice by my father caused me to write a letter to > him, telling him exactly how hurt I've been by their behaviors over the > years. Naturally, this was not well received by the narcissist father and > the BPD mother went into a screaming fit of rage that I have never > encountered before, directed squarely at me...in front of the entire > extended family at a birthday gathering. As the entire family operates with > a certain level of dysfunction, everyone simply turned a blind eye to it. I > was shell shocked, had a complete shift of consciousness (a very spiritual > experience which is often precipitated by trauma) and with clarity I had > never known, realized that these people are toxic to me and I must cut the > ties in order to save my daughters from a perpetuated cycle of abuse. Last > week, my father became gravely ill and all the relatives who, heretofore, > wanted nothing to do with helping our relationship, have come out of the > woodwork, telling me I need to make amends with him so he can be at peace. > While I could possibly reason, on a very limited basis with narcissistic > father, the BPD mother is a loose canon and I simply cannot bear another > hateful, rage filled encounter with her. I cannot possibly get to my father > without encountering my mother. I want to stick to my guns and remain > non-contact with the lot of them, not out of pride, but out of > self-preservation and knowing it is the best thing for my daughters and > husband as well. Naturally, the guilt from decades of BPD and NPD influence > on my life are making me question my heartfelt belief that I must save > myself and my children from further damage. > > Does anyone have any experience with BPD and NPD parents (in their > 70s)having any sort of a revelation near the end of their days that might > make reaching out to them worth my while or should I trust my gut and > remain out of contact, continuing my own effort to salvage what is left of > my life and protecting my daughters? > > Thank you, in advance, for any advice or relating similar experiences that > could help me. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 14, 2012 Report Share Posted February 14, 2012 Your story is my story. My NPD Dad and BPD Mom were not good role models. They are some of the BEST I have ever seen at manipulation, guilt, triangulation, pitting siblings against me, splitting all good siblings vs all bad siblings, distortion campaigns, alcoholism, drug addiction, jail-time for one sibling, divorces upon divorces, the dysfunctional list goes on and on. Even my 89 yr old grandmother has been turned against me. And you ask WHY? Because I decided to go NC with the NPD side of my FOO due to not following my boundaries list. I had already gone NC with the BPD side of my FOO 6 yrs ago. My first child was born 8 mos ago, and I laid down the law. It took me having him to FINALLY protect myself and my son, and my husband too, from all the abuse. After countless violations of my boundaries, we have gone our separate ways. They somewhat NC'd me too. It's hard to imagine not honoring your Mother and Father, I am a Christian, and that is one of the Commandments. But, a true Mother and Father would not treat their children/grandchildren the way these people have. Therefore, I have found new parents/grandparents to me and my child. I have many friends in Coda recovery, Church friends, and many online friends right here in this support group. I sought my own Family of Choice. As it's been stated before, listen to your gut. First natural instinct of a parent is PROTECTION. Something you did not get or have any model to go off of. Find ways to make peace with your Fada. There are many other ways to make peace with your parents than breaking your NC and possibly damaging yourself, your husband, or your children. When you look at your children, do they seem much more at peace? No anger, or anguish, or guilt? One look at my son's happy little face, without any cares or worries in the world, I KNOW I have done the right thing. He will NEVER miss what he does not know. My Fada's birthday is tomorrow. We have had 1 conversation in the past 6 months. It's going to be hard not to pick up that phone and at least wish him a happy birthday. But, if I do, I am just inviting the abuse to happen all over again. It's like handing someone a doormat, placing it on oneself, and say, " here, please, walk all over me. " I will pray that God gives me the strength to get thru the day tomorrow. The Serenity Prayer will come in handy! Good luck on your journey of spiritual healing! You REALLY have come to the right place. Mandy ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Monday, February 13, 2012 11:33 PM Subject: Re: BPD mother and narcissistic (NPD) father Welcome! You and I have rather similar stories. Both of my parents are n/bpd and my mother acted like she would kill me and I repressed everything to save myself from that knowledge. My advice to you would be to stay away from your parents. Parents who do not love and protect their children forfeit all their rights to " peace " and whatever else these people think you owe them. Good luck. We are here for you. Listen to your gut. On Sun, Feb 12, 2012 at 9:20 PM, botanicalcurls wrote: > ** > > > I am 47 years old with two teenage children and a wonderfully supportive > husband. I survived a horrible, verbally and emotionally abusive childhood, > thinking it was the way everyone was raised. Mother (abused by her own > mother) tried to kill me by driving me into a brick wall at the age of 9 > (among many other inappropriate actions,)narcissistic father's solution to > all our problems was to pretend they weren't happening, place blame on me > when I protested mother's abusive behavior and generally sweep everything > under the rug. Mother oddly had a much better relationship with my brother > and he could do no wrong. Brother is also narcissistic, far worse than > father ever was so he will not accept any of the truth about our family > either. When I left for college, I began to realize that my childhood was > odd; when I was fortunate enough to find a loving husband, it became > evident that my childhood was not just odd, but extremely abusive. Having > my own children and feeling immense love for them showed me that my parents > never had real love or genuine concern for me. As an abused child, I > continued to try to gain the love of both my parents for many years. Six > months ago, a terrible choice by my father caused me to write a letter to > him, telling him exactly how hurt I've been by their behaviors over the > years. Naturally, this was not well received by the narcissist father and > the BPD mother went into a screaming fit of rage that I have never > encountered before, directed squarely at me...in front of the entire > extended family at a birthday gathering. As the entire family operates with > a certain level of dysfunction, everyone simply turned a blind eye to it. I > was shell shocked, had a complete shift of consciousness (a very spiritual > experience which is often precipitated by trauma) and with clarity I had > never known, realized that these people are toxic to me and I must cut the > ties in order to save my daughters from a perpetuated cycle of abuse. Last > week, my father became gravely ill and all the relatives who, heretofore, > wanted nothing to do with helping our relationship, have come out of the > woodwork, telling me I need to make amends with him so he can be at peace. > While I could possibly reason, on a very limited basis with narcissistic > father, the BPD mother is a loose canon and I simply cannot bear another > hateful, rage filled encounter with her. I cannot possibly get to my father > without encountering my mother. I want to stick to my guns and remain > non-contact with the lot of them, not out of pride, but out of > self-preservation and knowing it is the best thing for my daughters and > husband as well. Naturally, the guilt from decades of BPD and NPD influence > on my life are making me question my heartfelt belief that I must save > myself and my children from further damage. > > Does anyone have any experience with BPD and NPD parents (in their > 70s)having any sort of a revelation near the end of their days that might > make reaching out to them worth my while or should I trust my gut and > remain out of contact, continuing my own effort to salvage what is left of > my life and protecting my daughters? > > Thank you, in advance, for any advice or relating similar experiences that > could help me. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 14, 2012 Report Share Posted February 14, 2012 I had an NPD father and an NPD/BPD mother, who divorced when I was three and my father then abandoned me, until my mom tracked him down for child support when I was a preteen. Ignorant to personality disorders, and feeling guilty because my Mom had initiated our relationship by telling me my father was a homosexual alcoholic the night before she put me on the greyhound for the three hour bus trip to his town, I reestablished contact with my father (who abandoned me again unbeknownst to me, my mother actually I guess decided to be nice and not tell me one hurtful thing) in my late twenties, and did my best to be a dutiful if disgusted daughter. When my father was dying he ramped up the emotional manipulation. He knew he couldn't really manipulate me because I was always blunt about what I felt I owed him and that I thought he was a selfish person. He manipulated his friends to calling me and saying he wouldn't have surgery unless he talked to me. I thought finally the time has come for him to unload all the guilt about what a horrible person he was. Do you know what he wanted to know? If I was a lesbian (I have been in a relationship with the same man for 13 years). I was pissed. I asked him if he thought he had been a good father, and he said yes. I said whatever. I have often wondered if my cerebral narccisist shrink father was a closet homosexual. Do heterosexual men obsessively watch cirque du soleil? But I digress. He also said I needed to get in touch with my half brother because his mother had influenced him and had his phone number changed and prevented him from seeing his father. Total lies and bs. Switch to my npd/bpd mom dying of cancer 6 months ago. As I'm wiping her butt in the hospital she is still hurling the covert insults at me. Telling me how my compliant golden child brother gets along better with my sociopathic/npd ex marriot executive stepfather. (i trust no one in corporate business anymore, i know black and white thinking) when she has to be hospitalized. In her last hours she makes sure to remind me of my abusive college boyfriend, because " he is the only one she can remember. " At one point she did say, I've been so selfish, but I was bawling so hard (still ignorant of the whole personality disordered situation), that I tell her not to have any shame, just to forgive herself. So perhaps it was the final breakthrough. Mom did a lot of meditation, yoga, qi gong, in the last years of her life. I wonder if this helped regulate her at all and she would have been worse. Also being sick was great because she got all this attention. So I don't think she changed as much internally as superficially. We never had any amazing deathbed conversations tho and she even got involved in an imbroglio with a fellow narcissist friend in AA which my stepfather encouraged even as she was days away from death. This is when I first started wondering what the hell is wrong with these people that at deaths door this is the thing they are worried about instead of having meaningful conversations with their family and children. Before that I thought they were just selfish superficial status oriented assholes. You live as you die unfortunately. I watched both my disordered parents go off to their great reward and the only relief I got was from myself, knowing I have been a better daughter than they deserved. Though that probably isn't a spiritually elevated viewpoint. My mom was a complete baby till the end, I have never seen more vanity and childishness in the face of the ineffable. I would circle the wagons around the healthy people you can and should protect. LIsten to your instincts regardless. You deserve a life too. These fantasy bonds we have with these disordered people only serve them. Look Underfoot > > I am 47 years old with two teenage children and a wonderfully supportive husband. I survived a horrible, verbally and emotionally abusive childhood, thinking it was the way everyone was raised. Mother (abused by her own mother) tried to kill me by driving me into a brick wall at the age of 9 (among many other inappropriate actions,)narcissistic father's solution to all our problems was to pretend they weren't happening, place blame on me when I protested mother's abusive behavior and generally sweep everything under the rug. Mother oddly had a much better relationship with my brother and he could do no wrong. Brother is also narcissistic, far worse than father ever was so he will not accept any of the truth about our family either. When I left for college, I began to realize that my childhood was odd; when I was fortunate enough to find a loving husband, it became evident that my childhood was not just odd, but extremely abusive. Having my own children and feeling immense love for them showed me that my parents never had real love or genuine concern for me. As an abused child, I continued to try to gain the love of both my parents for many years. Six months ago, a terrible choice by my father caused me to write a letter to him, telling him exactly how hurt I've been by their behaviors over the years. Naturally, this was not well received by the narcissist father and the BPD mother went into a screaming fit of rage that I have never encountered before, directed squarely at me...in front of the entire extended family at a birthday gathering. As the entire family operates with a certain level of dysfunction, everyone simply turned a blind eye to it. I was shell shocked, had a complete shift of consciousness (a very spiritual experience which is often precipitated by trauma) and with clarity I had never known, realized that these people are toxic to me and I must cut the ties in order to save my daughters from a perpetuated cycle of abuse. Last week, my father became gravely ill and all the relatives who, heretofore, wanted nothing to do with helping our relationship, have come out of the woodwork, telling me I need to make amends with him so he can be at peace. While I could possibly reason, on a very limited basis with narcissistic father, the BPD mother is a loose canon and I simply cannot bear another hateful, rage filled encounter with her. I cannot possibly get to my father without encountering my mother. I want to stick to my guns and remain non-contact with the lot of them, not out of pride, but out of self-preservation and knowing it is the best thing for my daughters and husband as well. Naturally, the guilt from decades of BPD and NPD influence on my life are making me question my heartfelt belief that I must save myself and my children from further damage. > > Does anyone have any experience with BPD and NPD parents (in their 70s)having any sort of a revelation near the end of their days that might make reaching out to them worth my while or should I trust my gut and remain out of contact, continuing my own effort to salvage what is left of my life and protecting my daughters? > > Thank you, in advance, for any advice or relating similar experiences that could help me. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 14, 2012 Report Share Posted February 14, 2012 Hi Botanicalcurls, ............well, it just so happens that I had a " cerebral, narcissist, shrink father " (love that description, lookunderfoot) and a waify/queen BPD mother who either are or would be in their 70's right now. I also have two daughters who are preteens. I have never, ever gotten precious anywhere with my nada. Don't think I ever will, not that I haven't tried. She seems to just deteriorate. It is very sad. However, when my fada was dying of cancer metastasis, I had a series of conversations with him about how awful he had been as a father and many of the traumatic experiences I had had to live through as a result of his neglect and abuse. The conversations were at my initiative. I pretty much set the terms and the tone for them. He participated willingly. He had managed to grow a bit as a human being in the intervening 30+ years in which I had very little contact with him. The conversations were tough to get through; not because he made them tough especially, just because they was so emotionally charged for me. However, I will say that, in retrospect, I am glad I did them. What I got out of it was a sense of hope and of possibility both that people are capable of changing (it was subtle and by no means a miraculous, Hollywood sort of change), but more importantly that I was capable of taking action and influencing people/situations based on my own legitimate needs and perspective. Growing up with two personality disordered (and bizarrely stubborn) parents left me with the feeling that I neither had the right nor the ability to actively influence situations/people. Those conversations I had with him -- even though they were when I was in my early 40's -- were in some substantial way, the beginning of me finding my own true voice and of becoming an active agent on my own behalf. I spoke to my fada directly and authentically from my own vantage point and I spoke out against the crazy and crazy-making assumptions and rules that had been implicit in my dysfunctional upbringing and relationship with him. Because he had grown a little (and probably in no small way because he was on large quantities of pain-killers and preparing to exit this life), he was able to listen rather than tune me out or defend himself for the first time in my life. It was symbolic for me and it was the beginning of many changes to follow in other parts of my life. So my advice for you, for whatever it is worth, is that it may well be worth trying to reach out, but make sure that you do it for you, not for your parent. Whatever you decide to do, think of it as a symbolic act wherein you get to become somehow more yourself and which may or may not bring about the result that you hope for, but that the act itself, how you conduct yourself, how your children witness you dealing with it, and the process of being true to yourself that are really important. It is about you being more at peace with yourself including at peace in your role as a parent to your children. If you can reach out to him with this intention my guess is that it will be an experience that will help you grow and heal. Warmly, HC I hope this makes sense and helps. > > > > I am 47 years old with two teenage children and a wonderfully supportive husband. I survived a horrible, verbally and emotionally abusive childhood, thinking it was the way everyone was raised. Mother (abused by her own mother) tried to kill me by driving me into a brick wall at the age of 9 (among many other inappropriate actions,)narcissistic father's solution to all our problems was to pretend they weren't happening, place blame on me when I protested mother's abusive behavior and generally sweep everything under the rug. Mother oddly had a much better relationship with my brother and he could do no wrong. Brother is also narcissistic, far worse than father ever was so he will not accept any of the truth about our family either. When I left for college, I began to realize that my childhood was odd; when I was fortunate enough to find a loving husband, it became evident that my childhood was not just odd, but extremely abusive. Having my own children and feeling immense love for them showed me that my parents never had real love or genuine concern for me. As an abused child, I continued to try to gain the love of both my parents for many years. Six months ago, a terrible choice by my father caused me to write a letter to him, telling him exactly how hurt I've been by their behaviors over the years. Naturally, this was not well received by the narcissist father and the BPD mother went into a screaming fit of rage that I have never encountered before, directed squarely at me...in front of the entire extended family at a birthday gathering. As the entire family operates with a certain level of dysfunction, everyone simply turned a blind eye to it. I was shell shocked, had a complete shift of consciousness (a very spiritual experience which is often precipitated by trauma) and with clarity I had never known, realized that these people are toxic to me and I must cut the ties in order to save my daughters from a perpetuated cycle of abuse. Last week, my father became gravely ill and all the relatives who, heretofore, wanted nothing to do with helping our relationship, have come out of the woodwork, telling me I need to make amends with him so he can be at peace. While I could possibly reason, on a very limited basis with narcissistic father, the BPD mother is a loose canon and I simply cannot bear another hateful, rage filled encounter with her. I cannot possibly get to my father without encountering my mother. I want to stick to my guns and remain non-contact with the lot of them, not out of pride, but out of self-preservation and knowing it is the best thing for my daughters and husband as well. Naturally, the guilt from decades of BPD and NPD influence on my life are making me question my heartfelt belief that I must save myself and my children from further damage. > > > > Does anyone have any experience with BPD and NPD parents (in their 70s)having any sort of a revelation near the end of their days that might make reaching out to them worth my while or should I trust my gut and remain out of contact, continuing my own effort to salvage what is left of my life and protecting my daughters? > > > > Thank you, in advance, for any advice or relating similar experiences that could help me. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 15, 2012 Report Share Posted February 15, 2012 Hi Botanicalcurls You post was eerily familiar in so many ways. I'm 39 and I've only just realised in the last 6 months how completely screwed up my childhood was before that there was too much FOG to see anything objectively as I was always portrayed as the one with all the issues who was the cause of all the wrong. Everything has escalated since I started saying no just before Christmas and I am basically NC at the moment. I have tried so many times over the years to start dialogue with each of my parents independently but have basically been told each time that I'm imagining everything and to " suck it up " and do as I'm told (sigh). Fada is so emotionally absent and Nada is so manipulative that if I send an email to Fada ... Nada answers my email by phoning me with not even a squeak from Fada. My parents are 71 & 67 and things are just getting worse. I'm so over it all and am just walking away, I've done so much grieving. I have been fortunate enough to be " adopted " by my wonderful husband's family so I have begun to experience what a real family does but that in itself is hard as it shows me what I didn't have. At least my children have a chance to live without the crazy. For me I don't hold out much hope for any revelations and am concentrating on healing myself and providing a loving stable home for my kids with the support of my husband. Best wishes and hopes of peace for you and your family. LT > > I am 47 years old with two teenage children and a wonderfully supportive husband. I survived a horrible, verbally and emotionally abusive childhood, thinking it was the way everyone was raised. Mother (abused by her own mother) tried to kill me by driving me into a brick wall at the age of 9 (among many other inappropriate actions,)narcissistic father's solution to all our problems was to pretend they weren't happening, place blame on me when I protested mother's abusive behavior and generally sweep everything under the rug. Mother oddly had a much better relationship with my brother and he could do no wrong. Brother is also narcissistic, far worse than father ever was so he will not accept any of the truth about our family either. When I left for college, I began to realize that my childhood was odd; when I was fortunate enough to find a loving husband, it became evident that my childhood was not just odd, but extremely abusive. Having my own children and feeling immense love for them showed me that my parents never had real love or genuine concern for me. As an abused child, I continued to try to gain the love of both my parents for many years. Six months ago, a terrible choice by my father caused me to write a letter to him, telling him exactly how hurt I've been by their behaviors over the years. Naturally, this was not well received by the narcissist father and the BPD mother went into a screaming fit of rage that I have never encountered before, directed squarely at me...in front of the entire extended family at a birthday gathering. As the entire family operates with a certain level of dysfunction, everyone simply turned a blind eye to it. I was shell shocked, had a complete shift of consciousness (a very spiritual experience which is often precipitated by trauma) and with clarity I had never known, realized that these people are toxic to me and I must cut the ties in order to save my daughters from a perpetuated cycle of abuse. Last week, my father became gravely ill and all the relatives who, heretofore, wanted nothing to do with helping our relationship, have come out of the woodwork, telling me I need to make amends with him so he can be at peace. While I could possibly reason, on a very limited basis with narcissistic father, the BPD mother is a loose canon and I simply cannot bear another hateful, rage filled encounter with her. I cannot possibly get to my father without encountering my mother. I want to stick to my guns and remain non-contact with the lot of them, not out of pride, but out of self-preservation and knowing it is the best thing for my daughters and husband as well. Naturally, the guilt from decades of BPD and NPD influence on my life are making me question my heartfelt belief that I must save myself and my children from further damage. > > Does anyone have any experience with BPD and NPD parents (in their 70s)having any sort of a revelation near the end of their days that might make reaching out to them worth my while or should I trust my gut and remain out of contact, continuing my own effort to salvage what is left of my life and protecting my daughters? > > Thank you, in advance, for any advice or relating similar experiences that could help me. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 15, 2012 Report Share Posted February 15, 2012 We all have a similar experiences it seems. My mother actually tried to kill me multiple times, as she saw my 11 year old self as a sexual threat to her new relationship, she chose him over me and booted me out to my fathers, I survived there for 6 months. My father, a narcissist, is tightly bonded to a step monster BPD/bitch-queen whatever, just like my mother only not as homicidal or crazy, instead she is the ruler of her roost and the terror of her family. She decided one day to bring me into the fold of abuse my sending me a 3 page letter outlining my faults etc, you know the drill. So I cut off contact with her. I am NC with my mother currently. I was NC from the age of 16 until I was 27 or so, then I had my first child in 2003 and mama bear came out, I went LC due to some of her dramatic hijinx and warned her that my boundaries were firm. SHe pushed the envelope with the birth of my 2nd daughter and I was done like dinner, went NC in 2006. Its true what is said that your protective instincts flare into overdrive when you have kids, I WAS DONE. I maintained a relationship with my father, more like desperately hanging on, I think I just wanted a normal relationship with one parent. Then, my husband deployed overseas, we had recently moved across the country away from his family (my real family) an my father and I had talked about them coming to visit here for Christmas. Then the step-monster got breast cancer, and all hell broke loose. I sincerely doubt it was cancer, it was more like...you have a small lump, lets do a biopsy etc etc etc. She apparently went through diagnosis to being " cured " within 4 months. So yeah, I have HUGE doubts. She's also been dying of one thing or another since I met her 25 years ago. I wish she'd get on with it already. I attempted to hash things out with my father, he came to visit last september, I informed him that his wife was not welcome in my home. He had the balls to literally say " whats your problem with my wife " . I asked him if he had READ the letter? He said yes. I said, well, nothing I say will illuminate it for you then if you think thats acceptable behavior. That broke the damm for me though, and I vented for TWO SOLID days. It wasn't pretty. BUt " I " felt better. He knows where I stand now, and he knows that I will never keep him from his grandchildren as long as he abides by my rules. I will never use them as a weapon (thats her game, not mine) and I EXPECT him to have a relationship with them, I will no longer force them to call him, I will no longer send him things/pictures/updates about them. If HE wants to be their grandfather, then its in his court. He needs to create the relationship with them. Ok, I've vented enough... Anywhooo, this isn't about me, its about you. I think you have to come to terms with the fact that no matter what you say, at this point they will not acknowledge any wrong doing. They will go to their grave beleiving that they did the best that they could and were the BEST PARENT EVER to a horrible horrible child!!!!! With that thought, we have to remember that any hashing out of our issues will only serve to make peace with ourselves - with people like that. They just do not have the ability to understand the hurt that they have caused you because YOU are not a person, YOU are a thing. If you don't want to go, then don't. Send him a letter, wishing him well, send him whatever love you have for him and make peace with him on your terms. I certainly wouldn't bend over backwards for them, I mean, how much bending over have they done for you? I suspect none. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 15, 2012 Report Share Posted February 15, 2012 In response to everyone who took the time to share an experience / perspective, or offer advice to me, I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart. I am simply overwhelmed by the fact that there are so many people who have lived the same life I have. I feel so fortunate that you have all been willing to help me in gaining confidence to move forward, trusting my gut. I am happy to see that HC was able to have some sort of a minor breakthrough in the final days of a parents' life and it gives me hope that perhaps, my father could have a limited revelation of sorts as well. For now, I will remain non-contact with them, leaving them with the thought (presented numerous times, by multiple means) that the ball is in " their court. " If they want to make behavioral changes that would allow for safe and healthy relationships, I am willing to try, but until I see evidence that it is more than a plea for me to sweep everything under the rug so they can appear to be " the perfect family " I will not go back into their trap. I will continue to follow the message board and hope that maybe I can contribute something that may help someone as you much as you have all helped me! Best wishes and positive thoughts for each of you, that your personal growth continues in the best direction FOR YOU and that you discover who you really are, not who you've been taught to think you are! BC > > I am 47 years old with two teenage children and a wonderfully supportive husband. I survived a horrible, verbally and emotionally abusive childhood, thinking it was the way everyone was raised. Mother (abused by her own mother) tried to kill me by driving me into a brick wall at the age of 9 (among many other inappropriate actions,)narcissistic father's solution to all our problems was to pretend they weren't happening, place blame on me when I protested mother's abusive behavior and generally sweep everything under the rug. Mother oddly had a much better relationship with my brother and he could do no wrong. Brother is also narcissistic, far worse than father ever was so he will not accept any of the truth about our family either. When I left for college, I began to realize that my childhood was odd; when I was fortunate enough to find a loving husband, it became evident that my childhood was not just odd, but extremely abusive. Having my own children and feeling immense love for them showed me that my parents never had real love or genuine concern for me. As an abused child, I continued to try to gain the love of both my parents for many years. Six months ago, a terrible choice by my father caused me to write a letter to him, telling him exactly how hurt I've been by their behaviors over the years. Naturally, this was not well received by the narcissist father and the BPD mother went into a screaming fit of rage that I have never encountered before, directed squarely at me...in front of the entire extended family at a birthday gathering. As the entire family operates with a certain level of dysfunction, everyone simply turned a blind eye to it. I was shell shocked, had a complete shift of consciousness (a very spiritual experience which is often precipitated by trauma) and with clarity I had never known, realized that these people are toxic to me and I must cut the ties in order to save my daughters from a perpetuated cycle of abuse. Last week, my father became gravely ill and all the relatives who, heretofore, wanted nothing to do with helping our relationship, have come out of the woodwork, telling me I need to make amends with him so he can be at peace. While I could possibly reason, on a very limited basis with narcissistic father, the BPD mother is a loose canon and I simply cannot bear another hateful, rage filled encounter with her. I cannot possibly get to my father without encountering my mother. I want to stick to my guns and remain non-contact with the lot of them, not out of pride, but out of self-preservation and knowing it is the best thing for my daughters and husband as well. Naturally, the guilt from decades of BPD and NPD influence on my life are making me question my heartfelt belief that I must save myself and my children from further damage. > > Does anyone have any experience with BPD and NPD parents (in their 70s)having any sort of a revelation near the end of their days that might make reaching out to them worth my while or should I trust my gut and remain out of contact, continuing my own effort to salvage what is left of my life and protecting my daughters? > > Thank you, in advance, for any advice or relating similar experiences that could help me. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You are posting as a guest. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.