Weddings with a BPD parent.

[Guest guest]

Hello all--I am new to this group and to the concept that what causes my

mother's " craziness, " " anger issues, " and " instability " is BPD. She probably

has been diagnosed with it, but has not shared this with my brother or I. She

has told me she was physically and emotionally abused as a child, she has seen

therapists is the past (always in secret), and she has threatened multiple times

over small things to divorce my dad who has loved her for 35 years. Growing up I

coveted other people's families that seemed normal and had no idea where to

place myself among my peers. She enrolled me in beauty pageants to " give me

self-esteem and promote femininity " when I really just felt so ugly inside and

out. She told me I was gifted and smart, but almost never allowed me to make my

own decisions about what I thought was best for me, including: my friends (they

were always criticized), where I went to college (basically told me where to go

and made me feel as if I had to), and my faith values (belittles them, while she

has no concept of her own). She constantly criticized me and held me to high

standards of perfectionism, which I now impose on myself (and am working on).

She has almost no close personal friends, which makes me feel guilted into being

her support system. My friends were always afraid of her or reluctant to visit

my house because of her. We've always had a rocky relationship, and I've made

many excuses for it over the years, but it's time to stop. It makes SO much

sense in retrospect and I am so glad to have found this group.

I am getting married in three months to a wonderful man who is a mental health

professional. When the wedding planning process started and my mom began acting

rashly, it was he who first suggested that my mother has BPD, and is the

catalyst for the discoveries and personal growth I've been able to do through

this process.

I'm curious how other children of bpd parents have handled weddings/major life

events? She has no idea how to process the emotions she's feeling about my

wedding and it is causing unnecessary stress and pain for me. She is pleasant

to my fiancee's face, but mean and judgmental about him behind his back. She

spent about a month refusing to believe I was serious about getting married and

telling me why I shouldn't. When we announced our engagement, she asked to do a

credit check and wanted a social security number for my fiancee. She has now

accepted it (even sent me a 'happy engagement card'--three months late), but

still continues to ask me " if I'm sure " and suggest that I wait 1-2 years more

" til I can make a clearer choice. " She is constantly saying subversive things

to try to influence our relationship. My fiancee is the best man I know and all

others who know and trust us both are supportive of our marriage. I want her

support, but I realize that she will never be happy with my decisions, and this

goes beyond differences in personality. I am starting to sever some emotional

ties with her as I can name then as harmful to me, and she has no idea how to

react because I think she feels lost without that relational dynamic where she

can tell me I'm wrong and I change to make her happy. I know that many parents

have a difficult time adjusting to a marriage in the family, but I believe that

bpd has magnified the difficulty of the transition for us. At a time in my life

that should be joyful, how can I overcome the shadow of my own mother's

discontent, knowing she will never be happy or show me love in the way I want or

consider " normal " ? I'm secretly terrified that she will ruin the wedding, that

when she meets the in-laws she'll say something rude, that I will love my

in-laws more than her (they are very kind, openly loving people), or that there

will be an emotional moment that will come off as unloving when I don't react on

my part because I'm happy not to have to play to her emotions any longer.

Whew! Feels good to get that off my chest. Please let me know if you have

coping strategies or suggestions for how to get through this time peacefully and

joyfully. I am lost as to what to do, and I am not able to sever ties with her

because we are depending on my parents for financial support for our wedding

(though it will be small and modest), and because I want my mother there for my

wedding! Also, I am tempted to ask her about why she's never told us she's bpd

(or if she knows), and bring that up with her. It seems like the nature of the

disease prevents me from talking with her about it because she'll deny it or go

into a rage. Maybe it is best left to after the wedding? Help!

[Guest guest]

don't tell her/confront her. it is a waste of time. and she will never forgive

you. the temptation is there, but she will think it is a personal attack.

as for the wedding involve her as little as possible the chances are high she

will be a pain in some fashion. and she will do her best to taint your

relationship with your fiancee and the in-laws. it may be subtle. my Nada pities

my M-I-L (she had a divorce after a 25+ yr marriage) to remind me that she is

superior.

decide now what you will put up with and decide now that if a conflict arises

that you will not be part of a conversation/dramatic episode if it arises.

SWOE talkes about diffusing methods. read that part it is genius.

oh how I wish I had known about BPD at my own wedding.

it is your life, she may think it is not, but it is your choice to detach.

Meikjn

>

> Hello all--I am new to this group and to the concept that what causes my

mother's " craziness, " " anger issues, " and " instability " is BPD. She probably

has been diagnosed with it, but has not shared this with my brother or I. She

has told me she was physically and emotionally abused as a child, she has seen

therapists is the past (always in secret), and she has threatened multiple times

over small things to divorce my dad who has loved her for 35 years. Growing up I

coveted other people's families that seemed normal and had no idea where to

place myself among my peers. She enrolled me in beauty pageants to " give me

self-esteem and promote femininity " when I really just felt so ugly inside and

out. She told me I was gifted and smart, but almost never allowed me to make my

own decisions about what I thought was best for me, including: my friends (they

were always criticized), where I went to college (basically told me where to go

and made me feel as if I had to), and my faith values (belittles them, while she

has no concept of her own). She constantly criticized me and held me to high

standards of perfectionism, which I now impose on myself (and am working on).

She has almost no close personal friends, which makes me feel guilted into being

her support system. My friends were always afraid of her or reluctant to visit

my house because of her. We've always had a rocky relationship, and I've made

many excuses for it over the years, but it's time to stop. It makes SO much

sense in retrospect and I am so glad to have found this group.

>

> I am getting married in three months to a wonderful man who is a mental health

professional. When the wedding planning process started and my mom began acting

rashly, it was he who first suggested that my mother has BPD, and is the

catalyst for the discoveries and personal growth I've been able to do through

this process.

>

> I'm curious how other children of bpd parents have handled weddings/major life

events? She has no idea how to process the emotions she's feeling about my

wedding and it is causing unnecessary stress and pain for me. She is pleasant

to my fiancee's face, but mean and judgmental about him behind his back. She

spent about a month refusing to believe I was serious about getting married and

telling me why I shouldn't. When we announced our engagement, she asked to do a

credit check and wanted a social security number for my fiancee. She has now

accepted it (even sent me a 'happy engagement card'--three months late), but

still continues to ask me " if I'm sure " and suggest that I wait 1-2 years more

" til I can make a clearer choice. " She is constantly saying subversive things

to try to influence our relationship. My fiancee is the best man I know and all

others who know and trust us both are supportive of our marriage. I want her

support, but I realize that she will never be happy with my decisions, and this

goes beyond differences in personality. I am starting to sever some emotional

ties with her as I can name then as harmful to me, and she has no idea how to

react because I think she feels lost without that relational dynamic where she

can tell me I'm wrong and I change to make her happy. I know that many parents

have a difficult time adjusting to a marriage in the family, but I believe that

bpd has magnified the difficulty of the transition for us. At a time in my life

that should be joyful, how can I overcome the shadow of my own mother's

discontent, knowing she will never be happy or show me love in the way I want or

consider " normal " ? I'm secretly terrified that she will ruin the wedding, that

when she meets the in-laws she'll say something rude, that I will love my

in-laws more than her (they are very kind, openly loving people), or that there

will be an emotional moment that will come off as unloving when I don't react on

my part because I'm happy not to have to play to her emotions any longer.

>

> Whew! Feels good to get that off my chest. Please let me know if you have

coping strategies or suggestions for how to get through this time peacefully and

joyfully. I am lost as to what to do, and I am not able to sever ties with her

because we are depending on my parents for financial support for our wedding

(though it will be small and modest), and because I want my mother there for my

wedding! Also, I am tempted to ask her about why she's never told us she's bpd

(or if she knows), and bring that up with her. It seems like the nature of the

disease prevents me from talking with her about it because she'll deny it or go

into a rage. Maybe it is best left to after the wedding? Help!

>

[Guest guest]

Hi there,

My BPD aunt ruined my cousins' wedding, it was all about her and how much the

cousins' fathers' family sucks. My mother, while she was super involved with my

brothers wedding, when I got engaged never did anything, and I knew better than

to try and work with my mom on a wedding, so I just never had one.

Confronting your mom will definitely unload the poltergeist upon your wedding.

If I were you, I would try to find someone to assign to your mom for the wedding

who can try and keep her under control and gently remove her from situations if

she seems about to fly off the roof.

Only slightly kidding, but mickeying one of her drinks with a tranquilizer,

sedative or sleeping pill would definitely be something I considered!

I don't know want to be sally naysayer, but a wedding with a bpd mother is a

recipe for hell. The day is supposed to be all about you and that is exactly

what she will not be able to stand. Be prepared! Keep it simple, and

congratulations on your wonderful match!

Look Underfoot

>

> Hello all--I am new to this group and to the concept that what causes my

mother's " craziness, " " anger issues, " and " instability " is BPD. She probably

has been diagnosed with it, but has not shared this with my brother or I. She

has told me she was physically and emotionally abused as a child, she has seen

therapists is the past (always in secret), and she has threatened multiple times

over small things to divorce my dad who has loved her for 35 years. Growing up I

coveted other people's families that seemed normal and had no idea where to

place myself among my peers. She enrolled me in beauty pageants to " give me

self-esteem and promote femininity " when I really just felt so ugly inside and

out. She told me I was gifted and smart, but almost never allowed me to make my

own decisions about what I thought was best for me, including: my friends (they

were always criticized), where I went to college (basically told me where to go

and made me feel as if I had to), and my faith values (belittles them, while she

has no concept of her own). She constantly criticized me and held me to high

standards of perfectionism, which I now impose on myself (and am working on).

She has almost no close personal friends, which makes me feel guilted into being

her support system. My friends were always afraid of her or reluctant to visit

my house because of her. We've always had a rocky relationship, and I've made

many excuses for it over the years, but it's time to stop. It makes SO much

sense in retrospect and I am so glad to have found this group.

>

> I am getting married in three months to a wonderful man who is a mental health

professional. When the wedding planning process started and my mom began acting

rashly, it was he who first suggested that my mother has BPD, and is the

catalyst for the discoveries and personal growth I've been able to do through

this process.

>

> I'm curious how other children of bpd parents have handled weddings/major life

events? She has no idea how to process the emotions she's feeling about my

wedding and it is causing unnecessary stress and pain for me. She is pleasant

to my fiancee's face, but mean and judgmental about him behind his back. She

spent about a month refusing to believe I was serious about getting married and

telling me why I shouldn't. When we announced our engagement, she asked to do a

credit check and wanted a social security number for my fiancee. She has now

accepted it (even sent me a 'happy engagement card'--three months late), but

still continues to ask me " if I'm sure " and suggest that I wait 1-2 years more

" til I can make a clearer choice. " She is constantly saying subversive things

to try to influence our relationship. My fiancee is the best man I know and all

others who know and trust us both are supportive of our marriage. I want her

support, but I realize that she will never be happy with my decisions, and this

goes beyond differences in personality. I am starting to sever some emotional

ties with her as I can name then as harmful to me, and she has no idea how to

react because I think she feels lost without that relational dynamic where she

can tell me I'm wrong and I change to make her happy. I know that many parents

have a difficult time adjusting to a marriage in the family, but I believe that

bpd has magnified the difficulty of the transition for us. At a time in my life

that should be joyful, how can I overcome the shadow of my own mother's

discontent, knowing she will never be happy or show me love in the way I want or

consider " normal " ? I'm secretly terrified that she will ruin the wedding, that

when she meets the in-laws she'll say something rude, that I will love my

in-laws more than her (they are very kind, openly loving people), or that there

will be an emotional moment that will come off as unloving when I don't react on

my part because I'm happy not to have to play to her emotions any longer.

>

> Whew! Feels good to get that off my chest. Please let me know if you have

coping strategies or suggestions for how to get through this time peacefully and

joyfully. I am lost as to what to do, and I am not able to sever ties with her

because we are depending on my parents for financial support for our wedding

(though it will be small and modest), and because I want my mother there for my

wedding! Also, I am tempted to ask her about why she's never told us she's bpd

(or if she knows), and bring that up with her. It seems like the nature of the

disease prevents me from talking with her about it because she'll deny it or go

into a rage. Maybe it is best left to after the wedding? Help!

>

[Guest guest]

Although my ex had asked my parents for permission for my hand, he didn't show

mom the diamond before he gave it to me causing her to blow up and return

everything I ever gave her and remove everything from my house she gave me. It

did make planning the wedding a lot easier and we just did it our way. It was

fun and included all of our friends and very few relatives. In the end she

showed up, I had started to get dressed at my parents but her cutting remarks

had me in tears so I packed up my gown and left. Felt bad for my dad though.Â

Thank heavens your fiancee is in the business, my mother managed to break up my

marriage after 8 years. Â

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Sunday, February 12, 2012 5:49 PM

Subject: Weddings with a BPD parent.

Â

Hello all--I am new to this group and to the concept that what causes my

mother's " craziness, " " anger issues, " and " instability " is BPD. She probably

has been diagnosed with it, but has not shared this with my brother or I. She

has told me she was physically and emotionally abused as a child, she has seen

therapists is the past (always in secret), and she has threatened multiple times

over small things to divorce my dad who has loved her for 35 years. Growing up I

coveted other people's families that seemed normal and had no idea where to

place myself among my peers. She enrolled me in beauty pageants to " give me

self-esteem and promote femininity " when I really just felt so ugly inside and

out. She told me I was gifted and smart, but almost never allowed me to make my

own decisions about what I thought was best for me, including: my friends (they

were always criticized), where I went to college (basically told me where to go

and made me feel as if I

had to), and my faith values (belittles them, while she has no concept of her

own). She constantly criticized me and held me to high standards of

perfectionism, which I now impose on myself (and am working on). She has almost

no close personal friends, which makes me feel guilted into being her support

system. My friends were always afraid of her or reluctant to visit my house

because of her. We've always had a rocky relationship, and I've made many

excuses for it over the years, but it's time to stop. It makes SO much sense in

retrospect and I am so glad to have found this group.

I am getting married in three months to a wonderful man who is a mental health

professional. When the wedding planning process started and my mom began acting

rashly, it was he who first suggested that my mother has BPD, and is the

catalyst for the discoveries and personal growth I've been able to do through

this process.

I'm curious how other children of bpd parents have handled weddings/major life

events? She has no idea how to process the emotions she's feeling about my

wedding and it is causing unnecessary stress and pain for me. She is pleasant

to my fiancee's face, but mean and judgmental about him behind his back. She

spent about a month refusing to believe I was serious about getting married and

telling me why I shouldn't. When we announced our engagement, she asked to do a

credit check and wanted a social security number for my fiancee. She has now

accepted it (even sent me a 'happy engagement card'--three months late), but

still continues to ask me " if I'm sure " and suggest that I wait 1-2 years more

" til I can make a clearer choice. " She is constantly saying subversive things

to try to influence our relationship. My fiancee is the best man I know and all

others who know and trust us both are supportive of our marriage. I want her

support, but I realize

that she will never be happy with my decisions, and this goes beyond

differences in personality. I am starting to sever some emotional ties with her

as I can name then as harmful to me, and she has no idea how to react because I

think she feels lost without that relational dynamic where she can tell me I'm

wrong and I change to make her happy. I know that many parents have a difficult

time adjusting to a marriage in the family, but I believe that bpd has magnified

the difficulty of the transition for us. At a time in my life that should be

joyful, how can I overcome the shadow of my own mother's discontent, knowing she

will never be happy or show me love in the way I want or consider " normal " ? I'm

secretly terrified that she will ruin the wedding, that when she meets the

in-laws she'll say something rude, that I will love my in-laws more than her

(they are very kind, openly loving people), or that there will be an emotional

moment that will come off

as unloving when I don't react on my part because I'm happy not to have to play

to her emotions any longer.

Whew! Feels good to get that off my chest. Please let me know if you have

coping strategies or suggestions for how to get through this time peacefully and

joyfully. I am lost as to what to do, and I am not able to sever ties with her

because we are depending on my parents for financial support for our wedding

(though it will be small and modest), and because I want my mother there for my

wedding! Also, I am tempted to ask her about why she's never told us she's bpd

(or if she knows), and bring that up with her. It seems like the nature of the

disease prevents me from talking with her about it because she'll deny it or go

into a rage. Maybe it is best left to after the wedding? Help!

[Guest guest]

Just my .02, but I would not bring up your mother's BPD to her until after your

wedding. I think it will just add more drama to an already stressful time. But

that's just my opinion. You know the situation and your mother best.

I think a good way to get through the wedding preps peacefully would be to

assign a buffer--a really good friend, etc-- to be with you when you're around

her; don't pick up every time she calls. Create space emotionally and

physically between you and her. I sooooooooooo wish I'd done that.

(btw, congrats on your wedding!! Your husband-to-be sounds like a true support

to you.)

I didn't know my mother was BPD back when I was married in 1993, but she did all

she could to hijack me emotionally and tell me what a mistake I was making, etc.

Also, I know it was a nerve-wracking experience for her. She's the hermit/waif

kind of BPD person and being " on " all day like that for her was stressful. (in

this way, she sounds a bit like your mother, as you mentioned that she has no

close personal friends. That's my mother as well. My brother and I are her

emotional support system.)

She was a real witch that day. She even asked me *during* the service when the

wedding would be over, that it was taking too long.

Interestingly enough, although she doesn't like to be " on, " she has to be the

center of attention when she is in a social setting.

I could go on and on, but looking back, I often wish we'd eloped, or gotten

married without involving my parents. It made the day so hellish for me.

I wish you the best; I'm so impressed at your self-awareness now, at the

beginning of your marriage. I so wish I'd had that back then.

Hugs and best wishes,

Fiona

>

> Hello all--I am new to this group and to the concept that what causes my

mother's " craziness, " " anger issues, " and " instability " is BPD. She probably

has been diagnosed with it, but has not shared this with my brother or I. She

has told me she was physically and emotionally abused as a child, she has seen

therapists is the past (always in secret), and she has threatened multiple times

over small things to divorce my dad who has loved her for 35 years. Growing up I

coveted other people's families that seemed normal and had no idea where to

place myself among my peers. She enrolled me in beauty pageants to " give me

self-esteem and promote femininity " when I really just felt so ugly inside and

out. She told me I was gifted and smart, but almost never allowed me to make my

own decisions about what I thought was best for me, including: my friends (they

were always criticized), where I went to college (basically told me where to go

and made me feel as if I had to), and my faith values (belittles them, while she

has no concept of her own). She constantly criticized me and held me to high

standards of perfectionism, which I now impose on myself (and am working on).

She has almost no close personal friends, which makes me feel guilted into being

her support system. My friends were always afraid of her or reluctant to visit

my house because of her. We've always had a rocky relationship, and I've made

many excuses for it over the years, but it's time to stop. It makes SO much

sense in retrospect and I am so glad to have found this group.

>

> I am getting married in three months to a wonderful man who is a mental health

professional. When the wedding planning process started and my mom began acting

rashly, it was he who first suggested that my mother has BPD, and is the

catalyst for the discoveries and personal growth I've been able to do through

this process.

>

> I'm curious how other children of bpd parents have handled weddings/major life

events? She has no idea how to process the emotions she's feeling about my

wedding and it is causing unnecessary stress and pain for me. She is pleasant

to my fiancee's face, but mean and judgmental about him behind his back. She

spent about a month refusing to believe I was serious about getting married and

telling me why I shouldn't. When we announced our engagement, she asked to do a

credit check and wanted a social security number for my fiancee. She has now

accepted it (even sent me a 'happy engagement card'--three months late), but

still continues to ask me " if I'm sure " and suggest that I wait 1-2 years more

" til I can make a clearer choice. " She is constantly saying subversive things

to try to influence our relationship. My fiancee is the best man I know and all

others who know and trust us both are supportive of our marriage. I want her

support, but I realize that she will never be happy with my decisions, and this

goes beyond differences in personality. I am starting to sever some emotional

ties with her as I can name then as harmful to me, and she has no idea how to

react because I think she feels lost without that relational dynamic where she

can tell me I'm wrong and I change to make her happy. I know that many parents

have a difficult time adjusting to a marriage in the family, but I believe that

bpd has magnified the difficulty of the transition for us. At a time in my life

that should be joyful, how can I overcome the shadow of my own mother's

discontent, knowing she will never be happy or show me love in the way I want or

consider " normal " ? I'm secretly terrified that she will ruin the wedding, that

when she meets the in-laws she'll say something rude, that I will love my

in-laws more than her (they are very kind, openly loving people), or that there

will be an emotional moment that will come off as unloving when I don't react on

my part because I'm happy not to have to play to her emotions any longer.

>

> Whew! Feels good to get that off my chest. Please let me know if you have

coping strategies or suggestions for how to get through this time peacefully and

joyfully. I am lost as to what to do, and I am not able to sever ties with her

because we are depending on my parents for financial support for our wedding

(though it will be small and modest), and because I want my mother there for my

wedding! Also, I am tempted to ask her about why she's never told us she's bpd

(or if she knows), and bring that up with her. It seems like the nature of the

disease prevents me from talking with her about it because she'll deny it or go

into a rage. Maybe it is best left to after the wedding? Help!

>

[Guest guest]

I agree with the idea of assigning one or more " nada wranglers " to handle nada

at the wedding. I would even go so far as suggesting you hire a handsome man as

an acting job, to pay attention to her; my nada was always very well behaved

around handsome men and would flirt with them. That would have done the trick

with my nada.

So, yes: one or more individuals whose sole purpose is to talk to nada, pay

attention to her, ask her questions about herself, compliment her, dance with

her, and distract her. And perhaps slip a little dose of tranquilizer into her

champagne, lol. (yes, I'm joking about the tranquilizer. Sort of.)

-Annie

>

> Just my .02, but I would not bring up your mother's BPD to her until after

your wedding. I think it will just add more drama to an already stressful time.

But that's just my opinion. You know the situation and your mother best.

>

> I think a good way to get through the wedding preps peacefully would be to

assign a buffer--a really good friend, etc-- to be with you when you're around

her; don't pick up every time she calls. Create space emotionally and

physically between you and her. I sooooooooooo wish I'd done that.

>

> (btw, congrats on your wedding!! Your husband-to-be sounds like a true

support to you.)

>

> I didn't know my mother was BPD back when I was married in 1993, but she did

all she could to hijack me emotionally and tell me what a mistake I was making,

etc. Also, I know it was a nerve-wracking experience for her. She's the

hermit/waif kind of BPD person and being " on " all day like that for her was

stressful. (in this way, she sounds a bit like your mother, as you mentioned

that she has no close personal friends. That's my mother as well. My brother and

I are her emotional support system.)

>

> She was a real witch that day. She even asked me *during* the service when the

wedding would be over, that it was taking too long.

>

> Interestingly enough, although she doesn't like to be " on, " she has to be the

center of attention when she is in a social setting.

>

> I could go on and on, but looking back, I often wish we'd eloped, or gotten

married without involving my parents. It made the day so hellish for me.

>

> I wish you the best; I'm so impressed at your self-awareness now, at the

beginning of your marriage. I so wish I'd had that back then.

>

> Hugs and best wishes,

>

> Fiona

[Guest guest]

This is a tricky one!

Don't let her ruin your special day! My therapist suggested doing a smaller

celebration for my mother, with my wedding separate. That or having a " nada

wrangler " sounds like a good idea. This day is about you and your partner

and you should be able to relax and enjoy it, and not worry about her

ruining things, or trying to control her.

I can't believe people's nadas have destroyed their marriages, not just

their wedding day! That is so horrible.

I'm still not sure if I will invite my nada to my wedding. When I got

engaged she threatened to stop paying my health insurance!

It's funny someone mentioned their nada being well behaved around

attractive men - true with my nada too, although it probably wouldn't work

with her husband there!

Congratulations on your engagement - I suggest you make it the day you

want, whether she is there or not.

[Guest guest]

Sorry I just saw this message--

Thanks for the advice! It seems like the consensus is to not confront, which

makes sense...she probably will see it as a personal attack. Having someone

assigned to her is a GREAT idea. I will be thinking that one over. Also, she

is quite pleasant when she drinks...good thing it's open bar.

> >

> > Hello all--I am new to this group and to the concept that what causes my

mother's " craziness, " " anger issues, " and " instability " is BPD. She probably

has been diagnosed with it, but has not shared this with my brother or I. She

has told me she was physically and emotionally abused as a child, she has seen

therapists is the past (always in secret), and she has threatened multiple times

over small things to divorce my dad who has loved her for 35 years. Growing up I

coveted other people's families that seemed normal and had no idea where to

place myself among my peers. She enrolled me in beauty pageants to " give me

self-esteem and promote femininity " when I really just felt so ugly inside and

out. She told me I was gifted and smart, but almost never allowed me to make my

own decisions about what I thought was best for me, including: my friends (they

were always criticized), where I went to college (basically told me where to go

and made me feel as if I had to), and my faith values (belittles them, while she

has no concept of her own). She constantly criticized me and held me to high

standards of perfectionism, which I now impose on myself (and am working on).

She has almost no close personal friends, which makes me feel guilted into being

her support system. My friends were always afraid of her or reluctant to visit

my house because of her. We've always had a rocky relationship, and I've made

many excuses for it over the years, but it's time to stop. It makes SO much

sense in retrospect and I am so glad to have found this group.

> >

> > I am getting married in three months to a wonderful man who is a mental

health professional. When the wedding planning process started and my mom began

acting rashly, it was he who first suggested that my mother has BPD, and is the

catalyst for the discoveries and personal growth I've been able to do through

this process.

> >

> > I'm curious how other children of bpd parents have handled weddings/major

life events? She has no idea how to process the emotions she's feeling about my

wedding and it is causing unnecessary stress and pain for me. She is pleasant

to my fiancee's face, but mean and judgmental about him behind his back. She

spent about a month refusing to believe I was serious about getting married and

telling me why I shouldn't. When we announced our engagement, she asked to do a

credit check and wanted a social security number for my fiancee. She has now

accepted it (even sent me a 'happy engagement card'--three months late), but

still continues to ask me " if I'm sure " and suggest that I wait 1-2 years more

" til I can make a clearer choice. " She is constantly saying subversive things

to try to influence our relationship. My fiancee is the best man I know and all

others who know and trust us both are supportive of our marriage. I want her

support, but I realize that she will never be happy with my decisions, and this

goes beyond differences in personality. I am starting to sever some emotional

ties with her as I can name then as harmful to me, and she has no idea how to

react because I think she feels lost without that relational dynamic where she

can tell me I'm wrong and I change to make her happy. I know that many parents

have a difficult time adjusting to a marriage in the family, but I believe that

bpd has magnified the difficulty of the transition for us. At a time in my life

that should be joyful, how can I overcome the shadow of my own mother's

discontent, knowing she will never be happy or show me love in the way I want or

consider " normal " ? I'm secretly terrified that she will ruin the wedding, that

when she meets the in-laws she'll say something rude, that I will love my

in-laws more than her (they are very kind, openly loving people), or that there

will be an emotional moment that will come off as unloving when I don't react on

my part because I'm happy not to have to play to her emotions any longer.

> >

> > Whew! Feels good to get that off my chest. Please let me know if you have

coping strategies or suggestions for how to get through this time peacefully and

joyfully. I am lost as to what to do, and I am not able to sever ties with her

because we are depending on my parents for financial support for our wedding

(though it will be small and modest), and because I want my mother there for my

wedding! Also, I am tempted to ask her about why she's never told us she's bpd

(or if she knows), and bring that up with her. It seems like the nature of the

disease prevents me from talking with her about it because she'll deny it or go

into a rage. Maybe it is best left to after the wedding? Help!

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Yeah, I've been thinking about where to get ready. Her house is the closest to

the wedding location, but I think I will get a hotel room for my friends and I

to get ready in instead, in order to build some distance. I'm sorry it was so

hard for you! That makes me sad to hear.

>

> Although my ex had asked my parents for permission for my hand, he didn't show

mom the diamond before he gave it to me causing her to blow up and return

everything I ever gave her and remove everything from my house she gave me. It

did make planning the wedding a lot easier and we just did it our way. It was

fun and included all of our friends and very few relatives. In the end she

showed up, I had started to get dressed at my parents but her cutting remarks

had me in tears so I packed up my gown and left. Felt bad for my dad though.Â

Thank heavens your fiancee is in the business, my mother managed to break up my

marriage after 8 years. Â

>

>

>

> ________________________________

>

> To: WTOAdultChildren1

> Sent: Sunday, February 12, 2012 5:49 PM

> Subject: Weddings with a BPD parent.

>

>

>

> Â

>

> Hello all--I am new to this group and to the concept that what causes my

mother's " craziness, " " anger issues, " and " instability " is BPD. She probably

has been diagnosed with it, but has not shared this with my brother or I. She

has told me she was physically and emotionally abused as a child, she has seen

therapists is the past (always in secret), and she has threatened multiple times

over small things to divorce my dad who has loved her for 35 years. Growing up I

coveted other people's families that seemed normal and had no idea where to

place myself among my peers. She enrolled me in beauty pageants to " give me

self-esteem and promote femininity " when I really just felt so ugly inside and

out. She told me I was gifted and smart, but almost never allowed me to make my

own decisions about what I thought was best for me, including: my friends (they

were always criticized), where I went to college (basically told me where to go

and made me feel as if I

> had to), and my faith values (belittles them, while she has no concept of her

own). She constantly criticized me and held me to high standards of

perfectionism, which I now impose on myself (and am working on). She has almost

no close personal friends, which makes me feel guilted into being her support

system. My friends were always afraid of her or reluctant to visit my house

because of her. We've always had a rocky relationship, and I've made many

excuses for it over the years, but it's time to stop. It makes SO much sense in

retrospect and I am so glad to have found this group.

>

> I am getting married in three months to a wonderful man who is a mental health

professional. When the wedding planning process started and my mom began acting

rashly, it was he who first suggested that my mother has BPD, and is the

catalyst for the discoveries and personal growth I've been able to do through

this process.

>

> I'm curious how other children of bpd parents have handled weddings/major life

events? She has no idea how to process the emotions she's feeling about my

wedding and it is causing unnecessary stress and pain for me. She is pleasant

to my fiancee's face, but mean and judgmental about him behind his back. She

spent about a month refusing to believe I was serious about getting married and

telling me why I shouldn't. When we announced our engagement, she asked to do a

credit check and wanted a social security number for my fiancee. She has now

accepted it (even sent me a 'happy engagement card'--three months late), but

still continues to ask me " if I'm sure " and suggest that I wait 1-2 years more

" til I can make a clearer choice. " She is constantly saying subversive things

to try to influence our relationship. My fiancee is the best man I know and all

others who know and trust us both are supportive of our marriage. I want her

support, but I realize

> that she will never be happy with my decisions, and this goes beyond

differences in personality. I am starting to sever some emotional ties with her

as I can name then as harmful to me, and she has no idea how to react because I

think she feels lost without that relational dynamic where she can tell me I'm

wrong and I change to make her happy. I know that many parents have a difficult

time adjusting to a marriage in the family, but I believe that bpd has magnified

the difficulty of the transition for us. At a time in my life that should be

joyful, how can I overcome the shadow of my own mother's discontent, knowing she

will never be happy or show me love in the way I want or consider " normal " ? I'm

secretly terrified that she will ruin the wedding, that when she meets the

in-laws she'll say something rude, that I will love my in-laws more than her

(they are very kind, openly loving people), or that there will be an emotional

moment that will come off

> as unloving when I don't react on my part because I'm happy not to have to

play to her emotions any longer.

>

> Whew! Feels good to get that off my chest. Please let me know if you have

coping strategies or suggestions for how to get through this time peacefully and

joyfully. I am lost as to what to do, and I am not able to sever ties with her

because we are depending on my parents for financial support for our wedding

(though it will be small and modest), and because I want my mother there for my

wedding! Also, I am tempted to ask her about why she's never told us she's bpd

(or if she knows), and bring that up with her. It seems like the nature of the

disease prevents me from talking with her about it because she'll deny it or go

into a rage. Maybe it is best left to after the wedding? Help!

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks for the supportive words. I never really thought about it, but that

behavior IS really similar to my mom's--she often stays at home, walks the dog,

hasn't really had a real job in 25 years. But in a crowd she LOVES to be the

center of attention.

Not sure who I would be able to rely on to be a buffer--will think about it.

The only reason we dont want to elope (Its tempting!) is because we both believe

that a wedding is a public ceremony and we want those who have loved and

supported us to join us in celebration. She is a part of my life, like it or

not, and she did love and support me the best way she knew how. I just have to

have faith that being the bigger person will give me strength to get through the

day, and maybe speak to her as well.

> >

> > Hello all--I am new to this group and to the concept that what causes my

mother's " craziness, " " anger issues, " and " instability " is BPD. She probably

has been diagnosed with it, but has not shared this with my brother or I. She

has told me she was physically and emotionally abused as a child, she has seen

therapists is the past (always in secret), and she has threatened multiple times

over small things to divorce my dad who has loved her for 35 years. Growing up I

coveted other people's families that seemed normal and had no idea where to

place myself among my peers. She enrolled me in beauty pageants to " give me

self-esteem and promote femininity " when I really just felt so ugly inside and

out. She told me I was gifted and smart, but almost never allowed me to make my

own decisions about what I thought was best for me, including: my friends (they

were always criticized), where I went to college (basically told me where to go

and made me feel as if I had to), and my faith values (belittles them, while she

has no concept of her own). She constantly criticized me and held me to high

standards of perfectionism, which I now impose on myself (and am working on).

She has almost no close personal friends, which makes me feel guilted into being

her support system. My friends were always afraid of her or reluctant to visit

my house because of her. We've always had a rocky relationship, and I've made

many excuses for it over the years, but it's time to stop. It makes SO much

sense in retrospect and I am so glad to have found this group.

> >

> > I am getting married in three months to a wonderful man who is a mental

health professional. When the wedding planning process started and my mom began

acting rashly, it was he who first suggested that my mother has BPD, and is the

catalyst for the discoveries and personal growth I've been able to do through

this process.

> >

> > I'm curious how other children of bpd parents have handled weddings/major

life events? She has no idea how to process the emotions she's feeling about my

wedding and it is causing unnecessary stress and pain for me. She is pleasant

to my fiancee's face, but mean and judgmental about him behind his back. She

spent about a month refusing to believe I was serious about getting married and

telling me why I shouldn't. When we announced our engagement, she asked to do a

credit check and wanted a social security number for my fiancee. She has now

accepted it (even sent me a 'happy engagement card'--three months late), but

still continues to ask me " if I'm sure " and suggest that I wait 1-2 years more

" til I can make a clearer choice. " She is constantly saying subversive things

to try to influence our relationship. My fiancee is the best man I know and all

others who know and trust us both are supportive of our marriage. I want her

support, but I realize that she will never be happy with my decisions, and this

goes beyond differences in personality. I am starting to sever some emotional

ties with her as I can name then as harmful to me, and she has no idea how to

react because I think she feels lost without that relational dynamic where she

can tell me I'm wrong and I change to make her happy. I know that many parents

have a difficult time adjusting to a marriage in the family, but I believe that

bpd has magnified the difficulty of the transition for us. At a time in my life

that should be joyful, how can I overcome the shadow of my own mother's

discontent, knowing she will never be happy or show me love in the way I want or

consider " normal " ? I'm secretly terrified that she will ruin the wedding, that

when she meets the in-laws she'll say something rude, that I will love my

in-laws more than her (they are very kind, openly loving people), or that there

will be an emotional moment that will come off as unloving when I don't react on

my part because I'm happy not to have to play to her emotions any longer.

> >

> > Whew! Feels good to get that off my chest. Please let me know if you have

coping strategies or suggestions for how to get through this time peacefully and

joyfully. I am lost as to what to do, and I am not able to sever ties with her

because we are depending on my parents for financial support for our wedding

(though it will be small and modest), and because I want my mother there for my

wedding! Also, I am tempted to ask her about why she's never told us she's bpd

(or if she knows), and bring that up with her. It seems like the nature of the

disease prevents me from talking with her about it because she'll deny it or go

into a rage. Maybe it is best left to after the wedding? Help!

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I havent been on here in a while, but I did see and respond to your post before

I even saw your response to mine! I really need to check out some of those

books--I'm working on my masters, working part time, planning this wedding, and

dealing with this, so there's a lot on my plate and what seems like no time!

Funny, my fiance started reading Toxic Parents soon after my mom attacked him.

The wedding is May 12 of this year. Things are settling down with her as I've

been employing some of the distancing skills I've read about. Still, I feel

like I'm being so distant and worried that I'm cutting her out of my life TOO

much. I don't want to lose an opportunity to grow closer in our relationship.

On the other hand, let's be honest--opportunities for growth have presented

themselves before and usually end in blow-ups. That's one of the things about

her--she can't rationalize her emotions like a mature adult, so we literally

cant talk through things. It's a little like losing a mother, knowing we

probably cant ever be close.

I hope planning and processing is going well for you. It's such a tough process

on this never before navigated territory of wedding planning and dealing with a

BPD mother (and sister for you). It sounds like keeping it small is the way to

go. People will understand, and in the end, the people who show up are the ones

whose support you want. Weddings should be about celebrating your relationship

and commitment, but contrary to what everyone says, it's not just about you.

It's about those who love and support you as well. Do what you can to make

everyone comfortable and allow them to enjoy themselves. And they will! If you

are happy and confident about your choice to marry, that will reflect itself in

the wedding. You will have fun because you are getting married, dammit! And

that is awesome!

> > >

> > > Just my .02, but I would not bring up your mother's BPD to her until after

your wedding. I think it will just add more drama to an already stressful time.

But that's just my opinion. You know the situation and your mother best.

> > >

> > > I think a good way to get through the wedding preps peacefully would be to

assign a buffer--a really good friend, etc-- to be with you when you're around

her; don't pick up every time she calls. Create space emotionally and

physically between you and her. I sooooooooooo wish I'd done that.

> > >

> > > (btw, congrats on your wedding!! Your husband-to-be sounds like a true

support to you.)

> > >

> > > I didn't know my mother was BPD back when I was married in 1993, but she

did all she could to hijack me emotionally and tell me what a mistake I was

making, etc. Also, I know it was a nerve-wracking experience for her. She's the

hermit/waif kind of BPD person and being " on " all day like that for her was

stressful. (in this way, she sounds a bit like your mother, as you mentioned

that she has no close personal friends. That's my mother as well. My brother and

I are her emotional support system.)

> > >

> > > She was a real witch that day. She even asked me *during* the service when

the wedding would be over, that it was taking too long.

> > >

> > > Interestingly enough, although she doesn't like to be " on, " she has to be

the center of attention when she is in a social setting.

> > >

> > > I could go on and on, but looking back, I often wish we'd eloped, or

gotten married without involving my parents. It made the day so hellish for me.

> > >

> > > I wish you the best; I'm so impressed at your self-awareness now, at the

beginning of your marriage. I so wish I'd had that back then.

> > >

> > > Hugs and best wishes,

> > >

> > > Fiona

> >

>