Guest guest Posted February 14, 2012 Report Share Posted February 14, 2012 so i am going all out for the next 6+ mos. I am going to try to make significant progress on a medical condition I have brought up here before. it is called pelvic floor dysfunction. the experts in the field believe that it is directly caused by fear and anxiety. the symptoms are cyclical and the cycle is triggered by emotional triggers, and pain caused by it. after the cycle is established the condition takes on a mind of it's own even in the absence of the initial triggers. I am finally in a place where I am strong enough to work on it. I am planning to do a treatment called EMDR to address some trauma issues, and weekly Physical therapy to address the muscle issues directly. I also need to find some relaxation help. I have suffered from this all in so many ways. but I am happy to move forward. I want advice on 2 things. 1. is there a deep relaxation program anyone can recommend? I would like a series of some kind because I will need to do it almost every day for a long time. I have never used anything like it, so I have no idea where to start. 2. nada thinks she needs to visit this summer. I feel like it will be detrimental to my healing. and I don't want her to be included in any part of this because she has always resisted the idea that anything is even wrong with me, and played her part in creating it in the first place. I know that I am plenty entitled to tell her that I don't want her to come without explanation. however I feel like for myself I want to be a kind person even to people who don't deserve it. I know it will be hurtful to her no matter what I do, but I think that it is right for me to try and soften the blow. what is a good explanation for why she can't come that does not tell her anything? I think some variation on the fact that my husbands schedule does not allow him to take time off this close to his graduation, at least it is true. But that might just make her say horrible things about him, which I would like to avoid. I am unsure how to bring it up too. if I wait too long she will buy the tickets, and then there will be no getting out of it. I want to do it by email or letter because I don't want to deal with the tears, and accusations.but the problem is I am not sure she won't pretend she never got such a thing... expressing needs to someone who thinks my needs are her needs is really hard. Meikjn Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 14, 2012 Report Share Posted February 14, 2012 May I suggest you consider the Silva Method ( formerly known as the Silva Method of Mind Control [controlling your own mind])  as a meditation/relaxation and " positive mental programming "  program. [google Silva or his daughter  Silva.]  you may also explore EMDR videos on youtube in the meantime and please see the youtube videos for a variation of  EMDR called " WHEE " . (Just google WHEE.)  You might tell your nada your doctor wants you to have time away from relatives and visitors so you can heal. From: Meikjn <> To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Tuesday, February 14, 2012 10:49 AM Subject: what to do.  so i am going all out for the next 6+ mos. I am going to try to make significant progress on a medical condition I have brought up here before. it is called pelvic floor dysfunction. the experts in the field believe that it is directly caused by fear and anxiety. the symptoms are cyclical and the cycle is triggered by emotional triggers, and pain caused by it. after the cycle is established the condition takes on a mind of it's own even in the absence of the initial triggers. I am finally in a place where I am strong enough to work on it. I am planning to do a treatment called EMDR to address some trauma issues, and weekly Physical therapy to address the muscle issues directly. I also need to find some relaxation help. I have suffered from this all in so many ways. but I am happy to move forward. I want advice on 2 things. 1. is there a deep relaxation program anyone can recommend? I would like a series of some kind because I will need to do it almost every day for a long time. I have never used anything like it, so I have no idea where to start. 2. nada thinks she needs to visit this summer. I feel like it will be detrimental to my healing. and I don't want her to be included in any part of this because she has always resisted the idea that anything is even wrong with me, and played her part in creating it in the first place. I know that I am plenty entitled to tell her that I don't want her to come without explanation. however I feel like for myself I want to be a kind person even to people who don't deserve it. I know it will be hurtful to her no matter what I do, but I think that it is right for me to try and soften the blow. what is a good explanation for why she can't come that does not tell her anything? I think some variation on the fact that my husbands schedule does not allow him to take time off this close to his graduation, at least it is true. But that might just make her say horrible things about him, which I would like to avoid. I am unsure how to bring it up too. if I wait too long she will buy the tickets, and then there will be no getting out of it. I want to do it by email or letter because I don't want to deal with the tears, and accusations.but the problem is I am not sure she won't pretend she never got such a thing... expressing needs to someone who thinks my needs are her needs is really hard. Meikjn Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 14, 2012 Report Share Posted February 14, 2012 Registered letter. I know it sounds terrible to do that, but it is the only way you can be sure that she got it is to spend the extra money on making sure she signs for it. Make a copy of what you send to her to reference back to for when the teary phone call comes and it can serve as the script you stick to. " Mom, I am dealing with some health issues and between that and my husbands demanding schedule for his final year of school I have decided that it is in my best interests to not have ANY company this year. I just can't focus on anything else until I have done everything I can to resolve my health issues. " When the tears and recriminations come you can just say that you are sorry she feels (whatever she accuses you of) but that wasn't your intention and doesn't change your priorities of taking care of yourself. When she continues, you say something like " Gee mom, I can see this is very upsetting for you and I'll let you have some time to yourself to process this, I have to go now " I would like to discourage you from using another person as your excuse for not letting her visit. Your nada will, as you already suspect, jump on this as a means of splitting your husband black and laying all the blame on his head. Not only will she denigrate him to you, which you don't need to hear, but she will heap all this blame onto him with others and that isn't fair to him. I am currently using residency status in relation to in-state versus out-of-state tuition to delay the conversation about nada's delusions about me moving back " home " While it is true, that I don't have the time to wait or money to pay higher tuition rates, it doesn't change the fact that I have no intention of ever moving back there. This is my home now and I love it here. I am using a truth to delay a conversation to a later date which considering everything else I have to deal with, I think I've done the right thing for me. I also have shifted nada's attention from this for now to something that she has no influence or control over and something that is a non-entity. there is not a person that she can split black in this and take her animosity out on whether it is behind their backs or in person. C > > so i am going all out for the next 6+ mos. I am going to try to make significant progress on a medical condition I have brought up here before. > > it is called pelvic floor dysfunction. the experts in the field believe that it is directly caused by fear and anxiety. the symptoms are cyclical and the cycle is triggered by emotional triggers, and pain caused by it. after the cycle is established the condition takes on a mind of it's own even in the absence of the initial triggers. > > I am finally in a place where I am strong enough to work on it. > > I am planning to do a treatment called EMDR to address some trauma issues, and weekly Physical therapy to address the muscle issues directly. I also need to find some relaxation help. > > I have suffered from this all in so many ways. but I am happy to move forward. > > I want advice on 2 things. > > 1. is there a deep relaxation program anyone can recommend? I would like a series of some kind because I will need to do it almost every day for a long time. I have never used anything like it, so I have no idea where to start. > > 2. nada thinks she needs to visit this summer. I feel like it will be detrimental to my healing. and I don't want her to be included in any part of this because she has always resisted the idea that anything is even wrong with me, and played her part in creating it in the first place. > > I know that I am plenty entitled to tell her that I don't want her to come without explanation. > > however I feel like for myself I want to be a kind person even to people who don't deserve it. I know it will be hurtful to her no matter what I do, but I think that it is right for me to try and soften the blow. > > what is a good explanation for why she can't come that does not tell her anything? > > I think some variation on the fact that my husbands schedule does not allow him to take time off this close to his graduation, at least it is true. But that might just make her say horrible things about him, which I would like to avoid. > > I am unsure how to bring it up too. if I wait too long she will buy the tickets, and then there will be no getting out of it. I want to do it by email or letter because I don't want to deal with the tears, and accusations.but the problem is I am not sure she won't pretend she never got such a thing... > > expressing needs to someone who thinks my needs are her needs is really hard. > > Meikjn > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 15, 2012 Report Share Posted February 15, 2012 Meikjn, good for you for putting your health and wellbeing first! I have a few conditions myself that have been contributed to (if not caused) by my FOO and are aggravated by them. About advice for (2) I think you are well within your rights to LIE. Say whatever you need to say that will get your nada not to come. Your husband's schedule sounds like reason enough and would be the truth. As for (1) meditation is always good and there are also CD's you can buy which will put your brain in a meditative state with no effort on your part too. Hemi-sync is one good brand of that type. Good luck! Eliza > > so i am going all out for the next 6+ mos. I am going to try to make significant progress on a medical condition I have brought up here before. > > it is called pelvic floor dysfunction. the experts in the field believe that it is directly caused by fear and anxiety. the symptoms are cyclical and the cycle is triggered by emotional triggers, and pain caused by it. after the cycle is established the condition takes on a mind of it's own even in the absence of the initial triggers. > > I am finally in a place where I am strong enough to work on it. > > I am planning to do a treatment called EMDR to address some trauma issues, and weekly Physical therapy to address the muscle issues directly. I also need to find some relaxation help. > > I have suffered from this all in so many ways. but I am happy to move forward. > > I want advice on 2 things. > > 1. is there a deep relaxation program anyone can recommend? I would like a series of some kind because I will need to do it almost every day for a long time. I have never used anything like it, so I have no idea where to start. > > 2. nada thinks she needs to visit this summer. I feel like it will be detrimental to my healing. and I don't want her to be included in any part of this because she has always resisted the idea that anything is even wrong with me, and played her part in creating it in the first place. > > I know that I am plenty entitled to tell her that I don't want her to come without explanation. > > however I feel like for myself I want to be a kind person even to people who don't deserve it. I know it will be hurtful to her no matter what I do, but I think that it is right for me to try and soften the blow. > > what is a good explanation for why she can't come that does not tell her anything? > > I think some variation on the fact that my husbands schedule does not allow him to take time off this close to his graduation, at least it is true. But that might just make her say horrible things about him, which I would like to avoid. > > I am unsure how to bring it up too. if I wait too long she will buy the tickets, and then there will be no getting out of it. I want to do it by email or letter because I don't want to deal with the tears, and accusations.but the problem is I am not sure she won't pretend she never got such a thing... > > expressing needs to someone who thinks my needs are her needs is really hard. > > Meikjn > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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