how do I forgive her?

[Guest guest]

It's good to know I am not the only one. I wonder if it is more common to have

trouble letting go of stuff or to have trouble holding on to it. In all

instances with the PD people in my life I neeeeeeeeeeeeed to hold on,

desperately. I think I really am pathological when it comes to this stuff

though...I was battered twice and both times I took them back over and over

until THEY left ME. I am one of those that needs to learn how NOT to forgive,

(as I suspect alot of us here are).

> > > > >

> > > > > my mother has severe borderline personality disorder and it has

> > > > affected me greatly throughout my life. As a result I have struggled

> > > > with severe depression and anxiety for the majority of my life. I feel

> > > > that I blame her for in a way " ruining " my life. I know that it is not

> > > > her fault but it still makes me so angry! I need some advice

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I'm striving for " compassionate detachment " myself - - figuring out mom is a BPD

has helped considerably. But I know I still have some anger to process. My

sister is closer to this point than I am--but nada still sometimes can wound

her. Each time my sis gets hurt, it reinforces that she cannot look at the woman

who birthed her as a 'mother' figure--only a fellow human being entitled to

common courtesy.

I hold nothing but awe and respect for those of us KOs who have mastered

compassionate detachment.

I am so sorry about your nada, Annie. Perhaps the new meds will allow her (and

you & sis) a few more peaceful months.

> > > > >

> > > > > my mother has severe borderline personality disorder and it has

> > > > affected me greatly throughout my life. As a result I have struggled

> > > > with severe depression and anxiety for the majority of my life. I feel

> > > > that I blame her for in a way " ruining " my life. I know that it is not

> > > > her fault but it still makes me so angry! I need some advice

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

thanks , I didn't think you sounded pretentious in the prior post...I don't

know if you meant the last part literally but this is a big issue for me when

dealing with my family. I get ganged up on and tormented. I'm not exaggerating.

And they push and push until I have a melt down. One on one would be a dream

come true. But it was always them against me. Particularly my

father/mother/sister/ or mother/younger brother. It was a group effort. And when

you said " we are better than that " I really needed to hear that and remind

myself I AM BETTER THAN THAT. They love to push me to the point where I start

crying or lose my composure and start yelling and cursing. It's so sick and

twisted. But it really is a game for them. I didn't even understand the game

until I came back here.

Also the part about " veins in my neck bulging " . That is where I have been all

evening because of fada being a bully. I had about a year and a half of being

" good " in their eyes because i was trying to fight their battles with SIL. Now

they have fully adjusted to her and are completely cowed, and are getting along

with her so I am not necessary any more. And this is where I end up, with

bulging veins, at least once or twice a week... it helps to know someone else is

experiencing that too.

> >

> > Annie - You have given us a beautiful description of a state of mind that

can become a goal for many of us - we have to go through the pain and sorrow of

realizing that we're never going to " fix " our Nadas, then we have to decide on

some form of NC or LC to maintain our own sanity and safety, but eventually we

can come to the place where we treat our aging Nadas (or Fadas) with some form

of compassion and kindness - not because we like them, or love them, or feel we

owe them a filial duty, but because the strength to treat them with a measure of

kindness lies within US. No matter that our parents are damaged, and that they

damaged us. We can raise ourselves into thoughtful, logical, sane,

compassionate adults. At that point, we are dealing with Nada from a true

position of strength. We won't trust her or cave in to her petty demands, but

we won't become her, either. We are better than that.

> >

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I remember that cartoon! Priceless imagery!

> >

> > Annie - You have given us a beautiful description of a state of mind that

can become a goal for many of us - we have to go through the pain and sorrow of

realizing that we're never going to " fix " our Nadas, then we have to decide on

some form of NC or LC to maintain our own sanity and safety, but eventually we

can come to the place where we treat our aging Nadas (or Fadas) with some form

of compassion and kindness - not because we like them, or love them, or feel we

owe them a filial duty, but because the strength to treat them with a measure of

kindness lies within US. No matter that our parents are damaged, and that they

damaged us. We can raise ourselves into thoughtful, logical, sane,

compassionate adults. At that point, we are dealing with Nada from a true

position of strength. We won't trust her or cave in to her petty demands, but

we won't become her, either. We are better than that.

> >

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Annie, your description of compassionate detachment was beautiful. I have been

feeling that this is where I want to be for a long time now, but I couldn't put

it in words. At present, I am NC with my nada, but I know I will probably not be

able to maintain it long term due to her age and health issues. She is in her

60's and is an insulin-dependent diabetic. She has also developed an addiction

to prescription meds - mainly narcotic pain-killers for which she refuses to

acknowledge or seek help for. Because of the addiction, she doesn't eat or take

care of herself like she should, so I know it is only a matter of time before a

major health crisis occurs. She expects, or course, that I will take care of her

as I always have. I want to be able to take care of her, like you said, not out

of some obligation or guilt on my part, but out of kindness and compassion and

because in my heart, I feel it is the right thing to do for a fellow human being

in need.

Right now though, I'm just not feeling that. Following nada's suicide attempt

last November, I got into therapy. Ever since then, after facing the truth about

nada's BPD I realized that I could never go back to the way things were before.

I had to let go of the fantasy about ever having a healthy relationship with

nada, and as a result, I have experienced all of the five stages of grief:

denial and isolation, anger, bargaining, depression, and some degree of

acceptance. However, as my T put it, those stages are not linear - you don't

necessarily go through them all one at a time in order. Sometimes you go through

two, three, or even all five at once, and you may switch back and forth between

them. You may even get stuck on one for a while. That's where I am now. I'm

afraid that I'm stuck in the anger stage. Even though I don't want to be stuck

there, I don't know how to get UN-stuck. Part of me feels like I just NEED to be

angry, especially since her recent behavior towards me has been downright

apalling.

Has anyone else been there, or are there right now - just stuck in ANGER? If so,

how did you get past it? I welcome your thoughts.

> > > > >

> > > > > my mother has severe borderline personality disorder and it has

> > > > affected me greatly throughout my life. As a result I have struggled

> > > > with severe depression and anxiety for the majority of my life. I feel

> > > > that I blame her for in a way " ruining " my life. I know that it is not

> > > > her fault but it still makes me so angry! I need some advice

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

(Raising my hand) " Me. " For me, anger felt like a safe place to be, and I

felt justified in it. It made me feel protected and empowered.

I was never allowed to express anger around nada; even if I was angry about

something that had nothing to do with nada, she would take it as a personal

attack on her (!?) And God Forbid I should ever express any hint of anger *at*

nada. I had to shove down my anger, so I guess a huge hidden well of repressed

anger was accumulating inside me for decades.

But something about my nada's mental illness now being so open and publicly

acknowledged (even though its her recent Alzheimer's that is being openly

acknowledged, not her lifetime of bpd) is somehow helping me with this anger;

its making me feel like its *safe* for me to show compassion and pity to my

nada, now.

I don't know if I'm expressing myself well because this is all kind of new and

confusing to me, but, when my mom was able to be high-functioning and had the

self-control to only express her horrid, nasty, mean, accusing, blaming etc

behaviors at me (and at Sister) *privately*, it wasn't safe for me to show her

compassion.

Now, its like, its blatantly obvious that my mother is mentally ill: she has

accused other people (besides me!) of being hateful and mean to her, of trying

to hurt her... she's even accused them of trying to poison her, to steal from

her, and she even physically attacked one of her caregivers and hurt her. Its

open now.

The weird part is that even though I have *known* this, *intellectually*, for

years (that something was very wrong with my mother and her behaviors toward me

were not / are not really about me, they're about her skewed, distorted brain)

....even so, it has taken a long, long time for me to start to accept this

*emotionally.*

Anyway. Yes, I was stuck in anger, but I'm feeling it beginning to dissipate

now, at least a little.

-Annie

> > > > > >

> > > > > > my mother has severe borderline personality disorder and it has

> > > > > affected me greatly throughout my life. As a result I have struggled

> > > > > with severe depression and anxiety for the majority of my life. I feel

> > > > > that I blame her for in a way " ruining " my life. I know that it is not

> > > > > her fault but it still makes me so angry! I need some advice

> > > > > >

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hmmmmm, Annie and , I think im also in this anger stage right now. But iv

been there before, i think it happens in cycles for me. Heres my process:

12-17years old: WTF?!!!! Im so confused by her bhaviour, nobody listens to me,

not even my father, maybe i am just as selfish and useless as she says i am.

17-19 years old: Something is wrong with me, why else would she have kicked me

out of home? Even if im a bad child i hate her for rejecting me.

20-22 Then a sudden urge to cut communication with both my parents altogether

because i was diagnosed with acute depression.

23 years old until now (24 in october): i opened my heart again because i felt

like maybe having parents again would fill that gap and sense of loss......how

silly was I?? BP Mother ripped my heart out and that was when i seeked help. I

went online to Soul Pancake, a discussing group, and found out she had

BPD.....Wow other people are experiencing the same thing THANK GOD FOR THAT IM

NOT CRAZY!!!!. Now i have mixed feelings of both compassion and anger, and i

have this strange humour about it. When i talk to my friends or partner about it

I joke about how crazy she is with a kind of 'i dont care cos im moving on with

my life' feeling. But now and again i get really angry with how much shit iv

been through and how many things i missed out on.

Where i would like to be and where i hope all adult children with BP parents can

get to:......BELIEVE THAT:

All human beings deserve the right to be healthy.including a BP

All human beings deserve the right to feel what it is they are feeling, we are

free to validate our own emotions.Including a BP

All human beings are resonsible only for themselves. Including a BP

The difficult periods in your life are there to make you stronger. The longer

the metal is burned in fire the more beautiful the gold it becomes.

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > my mother has severe borderline personality disorder and it has

> > > > > > affected me greatly throughout my life. As a result I have struggled

> > > > > > with severe depression and anxiety for the majority of my life. I

feel

> > > > > > that I blame her for in a way " ruining " my life. I know that it is

not

> > > > > > her fault but it still makes me so angry! I need some advice

> > > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Each of us has to find the path/philosophy/belief system that works best for us

to achieve peace and healing, as an individual.

But I have a slightly different take on your last point. I think that we here

have wound up being decent, responsible, rational, empathetic human beings *in

spite of* the abuse we suffered, not because of it.

Me personally, I don't think damaging a child emotionally is in any way

beneficial. It doesn't make a child stronger. I think that instead, it has the

potential to and sometimes does inflict permanent, crippling psychological

injury. To me, that's like saying, " I'm an excellent driver because I was in

a terrible car accident and lost my leg. " Well... I'm an excellent driver even

though I've never been in a car accident and have the use of both my legs.

To me, the fact that I survived my childhood and haven't turned into a mass

murderer is due to my own innate, inborn resilience and perhaps due to sheer

luck (a couple of compassionate adults in my life took an interest in me and

encouraged me, gave me hope and a belief in myself) *not* because being

emotionally tortured made me stronger.

I personally just can't put a good spin on the tragedy of child abuse. It

should never happen, and in my opinion no good can come of it. Its a wrongness,

and I hope that eventually our culture/society will evolve so that every child

is wanted and treasured and raised in a sane, empathetic, nurturing environment

by sane, empathetic caregivers.

But like I said, that's just my own personal take on it. My two cents' worth,

to take or leave.

-Annie

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > my mother has severe borderline personality disorder and it has

> > > > > > > affected me greatly throughout my life. As a result I have

struggled

> > > > > > > with severe depression and anxiety for the majority of my life. I

feel

> > > > > > > that I blame her for in a way " ruining " my life. I know that it is

not

> > > > > > > her fault but it still makes me so angry! I need some advice

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

RE: ANGER. I'm sorry this is going to be long. I don't think I can explain it

shorter.

I have been considering how to share an experience I had recently--Although my

therapist reassures me I am not nuts, my story will likely seem pretty strange

to some here.

Background: I've been working with the same T for over 10 years, on and off. She

literally helped reparent me from an abandoned child to a woman now able to

parent myself. The most healing sessions I've had involve imagery of me

comforting younger versions of myself. Those miniature versions of me have all

been integrated and are now residing in a " condo " within my heart, so I can take

care of them all. I believe this type of imagery in therapy is common.(?)

Aside from that, I have been been seeing an accupuncturist to treat asthma and

IBS. Because I have psychosomatic reactions from PTSD (you can guess where

from), the accupuncture treatments often target an emotional component.

Now the RAGE: Last July, I came to the end of my tether with nada. In looking

for answers I found BPD Central--and there she was! While I am RELIEVED to

finally have concrete answers to my FOO situation, I've been mad as hell. I know

how to deal with anger--journal it out, exercise, screaming, bat therapy until

the tears flow. The problem is the RAGE only alleviated a little bit each time.

I walked around most of the past year with this bubbling rage deep in my gut. I

have felt STUCK, because as soon as I could knock it back a bit, it would roar

to life again. I could feel it, & feared it, because it felt like a pot getting

ready to boil or a volcano ready to blow.

About a month ago I had an acupuncture treatment scheduled. I decided to talk

about the burbling anger I felt: anger at my nada, the fact I got stuck with

duds for parents and have wasted 45+ years trying to please an impossible bitch.

I talked about feeling broken--full of PTSD and health problems from emotional

abuse. He asked me to meditate on the anger, asks me, " What does it look like? "

All I could see was the simmering pot. He tailored my treatment to address my

emotional pain, and his parting words when leaving the room during my rest time

with the needles in was " Whatever vision pops out during this treatment, if

anything, just embrace it. "

I meditated for a few minutes and then " simmering pot " shifted, into a charcoal

gray creature, more animalistic than human. It was inconsolable, frantic and

fearful. I did what the acupuncturist said and imagined embracing the creature,

just giving it unconditional love and acceptance. No judgment, no questions.

Just love. It eventually quieted enough to rest in my embrace, not fully

trusting but no longer wild and frantic. When it was time for the nurse to come

in and take out the needles, she walked into that room and burst into tears. She

was embarrassed for her outburst, and kept apologizing. She didn't know WHY she

had suddenly just started crying. But I knew whatever emotions I had swirling

around that room had set her off. Maybe she was on the edge already from

something not related to me, but I have no doubt that room was full of my pain,

fear, rage and grief.

I got out of there and felt like I could walk on water! I felt clear and

energized like I haven't felt in years. I decided to call my psychotherapist and

see if she could squeeze me in that week.

2 days later I described my acupuncture session to her. We did hypnosis to

'integrate' the creature--but it didn't want to go into my heart--it wanted to

'stay in the light' and never get buried again.

The creature is me, it's my rage. It was too scary to show anger or fear in my

FOO--it would upset nada, and god forbid she get upset--I would only get more

abuse. My T feels I split off this part of my personality as a very young

child--it held all the anger I could not safely express. But this did not remain

a child--it was as old as me, it grew with me. When it came time to integrate it

during hypnosis, IT did not want to be parented by me: it wanted to be an equal

partner, by my side.

So, that is how I ended up with a GARGOYLE sitting sentry on top of my heart

(this all popped out of my brain under hypnosis). My T reminded me that a

gargoyle is a protective figure. I think about it there, showering my heart with

healing light, and all the little " me's " within being infused with love and

strength.

I know some of you will find this whole story nuts. But maybe, just maybe, this

story will help at least one of you to understand your own anger in a new,

healing way.

The simmering pot? GONE. Completely. No more lava, ready to erupt. For the 1st

time in my life I LOVE MYSELF, I am not being my own critic and am feeling a new

serenity. This serenity is allowing me to be kinder to strangers and feel happy

with my life.

Oh, and SCREW nada and fada--I am so done with their BS--(their BS-- & not mine!)

>

> Has anyone else been there, or are there right now - just stuck in ANGER? If

so, how did you get past it? I welcome your thoughts.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

echobabe, thank you *so* much for sharing this. I feel almost like you've

reached into my head and pointed right exactly to the little rage monster that

lives there and helped me understand. I'm tearing up a little as I write this

because the anger issue is something I've been struggling with pretty recently

and it's confusing and frustrating the crap out of me.

Sent from my iPhone

> RE: ANGER. I'm sorry this is going to be long. I don't think I can explain it

shorter.

>

> I have been considering how to share an experience I had recently--Although my

therapist reassures me I am not nuts, my story will likely seem pretty strange

to some here.

>

> Background: I've been working with the same T for over 10 years, on and off.

She literally helped reparent me from an abandoned child to a woman now able to

parent myself. The most healing sessions I've had involve imagery of me

comforting younger versions of myself. Those miniature versions of me have all

been integrated and are now residing in a " condo " within my heart, so I can take

care of them all. I believe this type of imagery in therapy is common.(?)

>

> Aside from that, I have been been seeing an accupuncturist to treat asthma and

IBS. Because I have psychosomatic reactions from PTSD (you can guess where

from), the accupuncture treatments often target an emotional component.

>

> Now the RAGE: Last July, I came to the end of my tether with nada. In looking

for answers I found BPD Central--and there she was! While I am RELIEVED to

finally have concrete answers to my FOO situation, I've been mad as hell. I know

how to deal with anger--journal it out, exercise, screaming, bat therapy until

the tears flow. The problem is the RAGE only alleviated a little bit each time.

I walked around most of the past year with this bubbling rage deep in my gut. I

have felt STUCK, because as soon as I could knock it back a bit, it would roar

to life again. I could feel it, & feared it, because it felt like a pot getting

ready to boil or a volcano ready to blow.

>

> About a month ago I had an acupuncture treatment scheduled. I decided to talk

about the burbling anger I felt: anger at my nada, the fact I got stuck with

duds for parents and have wasted 45+ years trying to please an impossible bitch.

I talked about feeling broken--full of PTSD and health problems from emotional

abuse. He asked me to meditate on the anger, asks me, " What does it look like? "

All I could see was the simmering pot. He tailored my treatment to address my

emotional pain, and his parting words when leaving the room during my rest time

with the needles in was " Whatever vision pops out during this treatment, if

anything, just embrace it. "

>

> I meditated for a few minutes and then " simmering pot " shifted, into a

charcoal gray creature, more animalistic than human. It was inconsolable,

frantic and fearful. I did what the acupuncturist said and imagined embracing

the creature, just giving it unconditional love and acceptance. No judgment, no

questions. Just love. It eventually quieted enough to rest in my embrace, not

fully trusting but no longer wild and frantic. When it was time for the nurse to

come in and take out the needles, she walked into that room and burst into

tears. She was embarrassed for her outburst, and kept apologizing. She didn't

know WHY she had suddenly just started crying. But I knew whatever emotions I

had swirling around that room had set her off. Maybe she was on the edge already

from something not related to me, but I have no doubt that room was full of my

pain, fear, rage and grief.

>

> I got out of there and felt like I could walk on water! I felt clear and

energized like I haven't felt in years. I decided to call my psychotherapist and

see if she could squeeze me in that week.

>

> 2 days later I described my acupuncture session to her. We did hypnosis to

'integrate' the creature--but it didn't want to go into my heart--it wanted to

'stay in the light' and never get buried again.

>

> The creature is me, it's my rage. It was too scary to show anger or fear in my

FOO--it would upset nada, and god forbid she get upset--I would only get more

abuse. My T feels I split off this part of my personality as a very young

child--it held all the anger I could not safely express. But this did not remain

a child--it was as old as me, it grew with me. When it came time to integrate it

during hypnosis, IT did not want to be parented by me: it wanted to be an equal

partner, by my side.

>

> So, that is how I ended up with a GARGOYLE sitting sentry on top of my heart

(this all popped out of my brain under hypnosis). My T reminded me that a

gargoyle is a protective figure. I think about it there, showering my heart with

healing light, and all the little " me's " within being infused with love and

strength.

>

> I know some of you will find this whole story nuts. But maybe, just maybe,

this story will help at least one of you to understand your own anger in a new,

healing way.

>

> The simmering pot? GONE. Completely. No more lava, ready to erupt. For the 1st

time in my life I LOVE MYSELF, I am not being my own critic and am feeling a new

serenity. This serenity is allowing me to be kinder to strangers and feel happy

with my life.

>

> Oh, and SCREW nada and fada--I am so done with their BS--(their BS-- & not

mine!)

>

>

> >

> > Has anyone else been there, or are there right now - just stuck in ANGER? If

so, how did you get past it? I welcome your thoughts.

> >

> >

> >

>

>

[Guest guest]

,

You are so far ahead from where I was at your age. You are making it, and you've

gotten here through lots of hard work.

This phrasing is just beautiful! <<HUGS>>

>

>> The difficult periods in your life are there to make you stronger. The longer

the metal is burned in fire the more beautiful the gold it becomes.

>

[Guest guest]

Oops, hit 'send' too soon! >_<

Anyway, reading your story has actually made me feel hopeful for the first time

since I started learning about bpd. I'm so glad that you were able to come to an

understanding with yourself. I imagine it's a rather liberating feeling.

Sent from my iPhone

> RE: ANGER. I'm sorry this is going to be long. I don't think I can explain it

shorter.

>

> I have been considering how to share an experience I had recently--Although my

therapist reassures me I am not nuts, my story will likely seem pretty strange

to some here.

>

> Background: I've been working with the same T for over 10 years, on and off.

She literally helped reparent me from an abandoned child to a woman now able to

parent myself. The most healing sessions I've had involve imagery of me

comforting younger versions of myself. Those miniature versions of me have all

been integrated and are now residing in a " condo " within my heart, so I can take

care of them all. I believe this type of imagery in therapy is common.(?)

>

> Aside from that, I have been been seeing an accupuncturist to treat asthma and

IBS. Because I have psychosomatic reactions from PTSD (you can guess where

from), the accupuncture treatments often target an emotional component.

>

> Now the RAGE: Last July, I came to the end of my tether with nada. In looking

for answers I found BPD Central--and there she was! While I am RELIEVED to

finally have concrete answers to my FOO situation, I've been mad as hell. I know

how to deal with anger--journal it out, exercise, screaming, bat therapy until

the tears flow. The problem is the RAGE only alleviated a little bit each time.

I walked around most of the past year with this bubbling rage deep in my gut. I

have felt STUCK, because as soon as I could knock it back a bit, it would roar

to life again. I could feel it, & feared it, because it felt like a pot getting

ready to boil or a volcano ready to blow.

>

> About a month ago I had an acupuncture treatment scheduled. I decided to talk

about the burbling anger I felt: anger at my nada, the fact I got stuck with

duds for parents and have wasted 45+ years trying to please an impossible bitch.

I talked about feeling broken--full of PTSD and health problems from emotional

abuse. He asked me to meditate on the anger, asks me, " What does it look like? "

All I could see was the simmering pot. He tailored my treatment to address my

emotional pain, and his parting words when leaving the room during my rest time

with the needles in was " Whatever vision pops out during this treatment, if

anything, just embrace it. "

>

> I meditated for a few minutes and then " simmering pot " shifted, into a

charcoal gray creature, more animalistic than human. It was inconsolable,

frantic and fearful. I did what the acupuncturist said and imagined embracing

the creature, just giving it unconditional love and acceptance. No judgment, no

questions. Just love. It eventually quieted enough to rest in my embrace, not

fully trusting but no longer wild and frantic. When it was time for the nurse to

come in and take out the needles, she walked into that room and burst into

tears. She was embarrassed for her outburst, and kept apologizing. She didn't

know WHY she had suddenly just started crying. But I knew whatever emotions I

had swirling around that room had set her off. Maybe she was on the edge already

from something not related to me, but I have no doubt that room was full of my

pain, fear, rage and grief.

>

> I got out of there and felt like I could walk on water! I felt clear and

energized like I haven't felt in years. I decided to call my psychotherapist and

see if she could squeeze me in that week.

>

> 2 days later I described my acupuncture session to her. We did hypnosis to

'integrate' the creature--but it didn't want to go into my heart--it wanted to

'stay in the light' and never get buried again.

>

> The creature is me, it's my rage. It was too scary to show anger or fear in my

FOO--it would upset nada, and god forbid she get upset--I would only get more

abuse. My T feels I split off this part of my personality as a very young

child--it held all the anger I could not safely express. But this did not remain

a child--it was as old as me, it grew with me. When it came time to integrate it

during hypnosis, IT did not want to be parented by me: it wanted to be an equal

partner, by my side.

>

> So, that is how I ended up with a GARGOYLE sitting sentry on top of my heart

(this all popped out of my brain under hypnosis). My T reminded me that a

gargoyle is a protective figure. I think about it there, showering my heart with

healing light, and all the little " me's " within being infused with love and

strength.

>

> I know some of you will find this whole story nuts. But maybe, just maybe,

this story will help at least one of you to understand your own anger in a new,

healing way.

>

> The simmering pot? GONE. Completely. No more lava, ready to erupt. For the 1st

time in my life I LOVE MYSELF, I am not being my own critic and am feeling a new

serenity. This serenity is allowing me to be kinder to strangers and feel happy

with my life.

>

> Oh, and SCREW nada and fada--I am so done with their BS--(their BS-- & not

mine!)

>

>

> >

> > Has anyone else been there, or are there right now - just stuck in ANGER? If

so, how did you get past it? I welcome your thoughts.

> >

> >

> >

>

>

[Guest guest]

Echobabe, I was blown away by your story. Thank you so much for sharing it. BTW,

I didn't think it was nuts at all. You found a way to deal with your anger in a

healthy and healing way that works for you, and that really encourages me.

The most incredible part of your story to me was how you were able through

imagery to " transform " your anger from an ugly boiling pot of nastiness and

negativity into a powerful ally providing you with security and strength.

Throughout my childhood, I was taught that anger was a bad thing, and that

anytime I expressed anger, I was being a " bad child " . Showing just the slightest

bit of anger in front of nada resulted in a beating or some other severe form of

punishment. So, just like you and Annie, I learned to supress it and stuff it

down deep inside. I never thought of anger as being anything other than pure

evil. Your story made me think that maybe anger isn't ALL bad. It can also be a

source of empowerment, as well as a driving force that motivates us to make

positive changes in our lives.

Thanks again for sharing your story. I'm definately going to explore the anger

stuff further next time I see my T. ((((HUGS))))

> >

> > Has anyone else been there, or are there right now - just stuck in ANGER? If

so, how did you get past it? I welcome your thoughts.

> >

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I wish I could feel more anger. In the rare moments that I do, I find it

empowering and energizing, pushing me forward toward proactive action and

taking control of my life. Most of my negative feeling manifest in fear,

sadness, and anxiety instead. I think probably it's the product of having

been invalidated by both nada and dd over the past seven years; I literally

had no one on my side to listen or validate my perspective or existence

because both my parents brainwashed virtually all my family and friends they

knew. It's healthy anger and something I was never allowed to experience.

Having any anger at all in my family (unless it was nada's) was considered

toxic and unhealthy and we were told to get rid of it (or " let it go, " gimme

a break) immediately without processing or feeling it otherwise the

simmering and resentment would eat our soul. How ironic the complete

opposite is true: feeling anger and expressing it in constructive ways is

healthy while suppressing it to maintain peace in the household because one

parent cannot handle anyone's negative emotion is toxic. Does anyone know

how to feel more anger instead of fear, sadness, and anxiety? I need to be

more pissed off.

Echobabe, I believe your story and wish I could make some sort of similar

metaphor. I have heard acupuncture works wonders for ailments physical and

psychical (I've even heard of it helping canine arthritis). I would love to

try it, but therapy is already more than I can afford, but hopefully

someday... Just curious, have you gone NC with your non-BPD father too? I am

having trouble with mine, he doesn't acknowledge anything that happened.

Right now I am just going Medium Chill on his ass. I only just recently

realized that I will never have a real relationship with him either.

On Mon, Jul 25, 2011 at 3:53 PM, juspeachyinga wrote:

> **

>

>

> Echobabe, I was blown away by your story. Thank you so much for sharing it.

> BTW, I didn't think it was nuts at all. You found a way to deal with your

> anger in a healthy and healing way that works for you, and that really

> encourages me.

>

> The most incredible part of your story to me was how you were able through

> imagery to " transform " your anger from an ugly boiling pot of nastiness and

> negativity into a powerful ally providing you with security and strength.

>

> Throughout my childhood, I was taught that anger was a bad thing, and that

> anytime I expressed anger, I was being a " bad child " . Showing just the

> slightest bit of anger in front of nada resulted in a beating or some other

> severe form of punishment. So, just like you and Annie, I learned to supress

> it and stuff it down deep inside. I never thought of anger as being anything

> other than pure evil. Your story made me think that maybe anger isn't ALL

> bad. It can also be a source of empowerment, as well as a driving force that

> motivates us to make positive changes in our lives.

>

> Thanks again for sharing your story. I'm definately going to explore the

> anger stuff further next time I see my T. ((((HUGS))))

>

>

>

>

>

> > >

> > > Has anyone else been there, or are there right now - just stuck in

> ANGER? If so, how did you get past it? I welcome your thoughts.

> > >

> > >

> > >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Echobabe:

Thankyou, I like to think that i have the tools to help me through life and make

the right decisions. And sometimes when i give advice to others i read over it

and think: " wow, thats quite mature, if only i could follow my own advice " .

Truth is, its quite hard when you are in the moment and feeling intense

emotions(whether it be anger, frustration, confusion etc) to tap into all that

knowledge and tools you have stored in your mind and use them appropriately.

Quite often its only afterwards that we think: " woops, i should have practiced

more patience at that time " , or " maybe i should have gone to the gym to get rid

of my anger instead of taking it out on my boyfriend " .

The biggest lesson many of us still need to learn is how to really listen to our

minds and emotions, be truly present in each moment, embrace whatever we are

feeling and hopefully deal with it in the most appropriate and healthy way.

> >

> >> The difficult periods in your life are there to make you stronger. The

longer the metal is burned in fire the more beautiful the gold it becomes.

> >

>