Residual guilt? Or selfishness?

[Guest guest]

So like many of us KO's on here, I grew up with a mother (a nada) who often used

guilt as a means to control me. One way in which she would do this would be by

using illness as a weapon. I found out that she often exaggerated illnesses in

order to gain sympathy and gain control. Whatever compassion and sympathy I used

to have has been abused by my nada.

Which brings me to my current shituation.

Nada hasn't spoken to me in two years because she set an ultimatum for me, and I

didn't give in. I got in touch with my dad and his family after nearly 15 years

of being apart. She wasn't 100% at fault, but my nada had a LOT to do with my

dad and his family not being in my life growing up. I got back in touch with my

dad two years ago, and although my nada refuses to have a relationship with me

because of it, I'm glad I made that decision to reconnect.

Well...now...my " papaw " has been battling sickness for years. And now, he is not

doing well and will more than likely die very soon. I got the news 2 days ago.

They live 5 hours north of where I live. Since getting the news, I've been torn

because I do not have plans to drive up there to spend time with my perishing

grandfather.

I feel guilty and selfish. I can't leave my job to be on deathwatch right now.

No one has made me feel guilty for not being there, but I just feel bad. I love

my papaw, but we were never close because I never got the chance to really know

him. I am wondering if my dad and his family are secretly in disbelief at the

fact that I have no desire to see my grandfather one more time before he dies.

I can't leave work right now, but furthermore, I have no desire to be there.

It's not for bad reasons, I love them all. But I do not feel a pull to be there

with him and everyone during this time. And I feel guilty for feeling that way.

I feel like this is a situation where I should WANT to be there. What is wrong

with me? Why do I lack the compassion that a normal person might feel during

this type of situation?

I would probably drive up for a funeral, but I don't want to be there right now.

I've been fortunate enough in my life to have not had to deal with death very

much. When I've thought about it in my adult life, I've always felt very " matter

of fact " about it.....not scared, not worried about it. But I'm wondering if my

impending guilt is happening because if this were a situation that my nada was

in, I would have been drawn to be a part of it because she would expect that of

me. I would have paid dearly for not being there and mourning while everyone

else was.

I feel so abnormal.

Sara Jo

[Guest guest]

Sounds like you and I share the over active guilt gland. I think I have it

because in my house, no one was allowed to have feelings except for my fada.

And when we did, he would make assumptions about what we were feeling and

criticize.

I also have tendency to do what it seems like you might be doing: imagining

others are secretly judging you for your choices and upset about it. In my

experience, more often than not, I've blown it way out of proportion in my head.

In my humble opinion, you have two choices:

1. contact your dad and his family to ask if they would like you to be there.

Of course, in this case, you would have to be prepared to actually go if they

said yes.

2. Send something to let them know you are thinking of them, and to show your

support. I'm Jewish, so in my case I'd probably send food. Or flowers, or just

a card.

It's easy to forget that not everyone in your life is on a hair trigger like

your nada.

Just a few thoughts. Good luck.

>

> So like many of us KO's on here, I grew up with a mother (a nada) who often

used guilt as a means to control me. One way in which she would do this would be

by using illness as a weapon. I found out that she often exaggerated illnesses

in order to gain sympathy and gain control. Whatever compassion and sympathy I

used to have has been abused by my nada.

>

> Which brings me to my current shituation.

>

> Nada hasn't spoken to me in two years because she set an ultimatum for me, and

I didn't give in. I got in touch with my dad and his family after nearly 15

years of being apart. She wasn't 100% at fault, but my nada had a LOT to do with

my dad and his family not being in my life growing up. I got back in touch with

my dad two years ago, and although my nada refuses to have a relationship with

me because of it, I'm glad I made that decision to reconnect.

>

> Well...now...my " papaw " has been battling sickness for years. And now, he is

not doing well and will more than likely die very soon. I got the news 2 days

ago. They live 5 hours north of where I live. Since getting the news, I've been

torn because I do not have plans to drive up there to spend time with my

perishing grandfather.

>

> I feel guilty and selfish. I can't leave my job to be on deathwatch right now.

No one has made me feel guilty for not being there, but I just feel bad. I love

my papaw, but we were never close because I never got the chance to really know

him. I am wondering if my dad and his family are secretly in disbelief at the

fact that I have no desire to see my grandfather one more time before he dies.

>

> I can't leave work right now, but furthermore, I have no desire to be there.

It's not for bad reasons, I love them all. But I do not feel a pull to be there

with him and everyone during this time. And I feel guilty for feeling that way.

I feel like this is a situation where I should WANT to be there. What is wrong

with me? Why do I lack the compassion that a normal person might feel during

this type of situation?

>

> I would probably drive up for a funeral, but I don't want to be there right

now.

>

> I've been fortunate enough in my life to have not had to deal with death very

much. When I've thought about it in my adult life, I've always felt very " matter

of fact " about it.....not scared, not worried about it. But I'm wondering if my

impending guilt is happening because if this were a situation that my nada was

in, I would have been drawn to be a part of it because she would expect that of

me. I would have paid dearly for not being there and mourning while everyone

else was.

>

> I feel so abnormal.

>

> Sara Jo

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you for your response. It's been a guilt filled couple of days.

My grandfather passed away yesterday morning. His funeral isn't until Tuesday.

There is a viewing this weekend.

I have made a decision not to go.

I told them (my family) yesterday that I was coming up today. But today I told

them I couldn't.

My husband had minor surgery yesterday, and I feel like I should be home taking

care of him.

There is also a major snow storm coming through tonight and tomorrow. I am

afraid of driving up there through it.

All in all, even if the weather was fine and my husband was fine, I am thankful

to have reasons not to go. I have no desire to be there. I feel terrible about

this. I feel terrible for not feeling terrible about his death. What's wrong

with me? Granted, due to mainly my nada's efforts, my dad's side of the family

was not part of my life for 15 years. We have never been close. Maybe that's why

I feel the way I do?

I feel selfish. But hoping my family understands. I will send them a flower

arrangement for the funeral and try to show my support as much as I can.

I'm just trying to get through this guilt.

Sara Jo

> >

> > So like many of us KO's on here, I grew up with a mother (a nada) who often

used guilt as a means to control me. One way in which she would do this would be

by using illness as a weapon. I found out that she often exaggerated illnesses

in order to gain sympathy and gain control. Whatever compassion and sympathy I

used to have has been abused by my nada.

> >

> > Which brings me to my current shituation.

> >

> > Nada hasn't spoken to me in two years because she set an ultimatum for me,

and I didn't give in. I got in touch with my dad and his family after nearly 15

years of being apart. She wasn't 100% at fault, but my nada had a LOT to do with

my dad and his family not being in my life growing up. I got back in touch with

my dad two years ago, and although my nada refuses to have a relationship with

me because of it, I'm glad I made that decision to reconnect.

> >

> > Well...now...my " papaw " has been battling sickness for years. And now, he is

not doing well and will more than likely die very soon. I got the news 2 days

ago. They live 5 hours north of where I live. Since getting the news, I've been

torn because I do not have plans to drive up there to spend time with my

perishing grandfather.

> >

> > I feel guilty and selfish. I can't leave my job to be on deathwatch right

now. No one has made me feel guilty for not being there, but I just feel bad. I

love my papaw, but we were never close because I never got the chance to really

know him. I am wondering if my dad and his family are secretly in disbelief at

the fact that I have no desire to see my grandfather one more time before he

dies.

> >

> > I can't leave work right now, but furthermore, I have no desire to be there.

It's not for bad reasons, I love them all. But I do not feel a pull to be there

with him and everyone during this time. And I feel guilty for feeling that way.

I feel like this is a situation where I should WANT to be there. What is wrong

with me? Why do I lack the compassion that a normal person might feel during

this type of situation?

> >

> > I would probably drive up for a funeral, but I don't want to be there right

now.

> >

> > I've been fortunate enough in my life to have not had to deal with death

very much. When I've thought about it in my adult life, I've always felt very

" matter of fact " about it.....not scared, not worried about it. But I'm

wondering if my impending guilt is happening because if this were a situation

that my nada was in, I would have been drawn to be a part of it because she

would expect that of me. I would have paid dearly for not being there and

mourning while everyone else was.

> >

> > I feel so abnormal.

> >

> > Sara Jo

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Please don't beat yourself up with misplaced, inappropriate guilt. Its very

understandable that you did not feel close to your grandfather. Sending a card

or flowers would be a nice gesture, but, there is no need to apologize for your

feelings.

My condolences; death and loss is something we must process in our own way and

in our own time. Even the loss of an abusive parent, or a relatively obscure

grand parent, is a loss.

-Annie

> > >

> > > So like many of us KO's on here, I grew up with a mother (a nada) who

often used guilt as a means to control me. One way in which she would do this

would be by using illness as a weapon. I found out that she often exaggerated

illnesses in order to gain sympathy and gain control. Whatever compassion and

sympathy I used to have has been abused by my nada.

> > >

> > > Which brings me to my current shituation.

> > >

> > > Nada hasn't spoken to me in two years because she set an ultimatum for me,

and I didn't give in. I got in touch with my dad and his family after nearly 15

years of being apart. She wasn't 100% at fault, but my nada had a LOT to do with

my dad and his family not being in my life growing up. I got back in touch with

my dad two years ago, and although my nada refuses to have a relationship with

me because of it, I'm glad I made that decision to reconnect.

> > >

> > > Well...now...my " papaw " has been battling sickness for years. And now, he

is not doing well and will more than likely die very soon. I got the news 2 days

ago. They live 5 hours north of where I live. Since getting the news, I've been

torn because I do not have plans to drive up there to spend time with my

perishing grandfather.

> > >

> > > I feel guilty and selfish. I can't leave my job to be on deathwatch right

now. No one has made me feel guilty for not being there, but I just feel bad. I

love my papaw, but we were never close because I never got the chance to really

know him. I am wondering if my dad and his family are secretly in disbelief at

the fact that I have no desire to see my grandfather one more time before he

dies.

> > >

> > > I can't leave work right now, but furthermore, I have no desire to be

there. It's not for bad reasons, I love them all. But I do not feel a pull to be

there with him and everyone during this time. And I feel guilty for feeling that

way. I feel like this is a situation where I should WANT to be there. What is

wrong with me? Why do I lack the compassion that a normal person might feel

during this type of situation?

> > >

> > > I would probably drive up for a funeral, but I don't want to be there

right now.

> > >

> > > I've been fortunate enough in my life to have not had to deal with death

very much. When I've thought about it in my adult life, I've always felt very

" matter of fact " about it.....not scared, not worried about it. But I'm

wondering if my impending guilt is happening because if this were a situation

that my nada was in, I would have been drawn to be a part of it because she

would expect that of me. I would have paid dearly for not being there and

mourning while everyone else was.

> > >

> > > I feel so abnormal.

> > >

> > > Sara Jo

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

If you didn't want to go, there's nothing wrong with that.

On Sat, Feb 18, 2012 at 12:52 PM, anuria67854 wrote:

> **

>

>

> Please don't beat yourself up with misplaced, inappropriate guilt. Its

> very understandable that you did not feel close to your grandfather.

> Sending a card or flowers would be a nice gesture, but, there is no need to

> apologize for your feelings.

>

> My condolences; death and loss is something we must process in our own way

> and in our own time. Even the loss of an abusive parent, or a relatively

> obscure grand parent, is a loss.

>

> -Annie

>

>

>

> > > >

> > > > So like many of us KO's on here, I grew up with a mother (a nada)

> who often used guilt as a means to control me. One way in which she would

> do this would be by using illness as a weapon. I found out that she often

> exaggerated illnesses in order to gain sympathy and gain control. Whatever

> compassion and sympathy I used to have has been abused by my nada.

> > > >

> > > > Which brings me to my current shituation.

> > > >

> > > > Nada hasn't spoken to me in two years because she set an ultimatum

> for me, and I didn't give in. I got in touch with my dad and his family

> after nearly 15 years of being apart. She wasn't 100% at fault, but my nada

> had a LOT to do with my dad and his family not being in my life growing up.

> I got back in touch with my dad two years ago, and although my nada refuses

> to have a relationship with me because of it, I'm glad I made that decision

> to reconnect.

> > > >

> > > > Well...now...my " papaw " has been battling sickness for years. And

> now, he is not doing well and will more than likely die very soon. I got

> the news 2 days ago. They live 5 hours north of where I live. Since getting

> the news, I've been torn because I do not have plans to drive up there to

> spend time with my perishing grandfather.

> > > >

> > > > I feel guilty and selfish. I can't leave my job to be on deathwatch

> right now. No one has made me feel guilty for not being there, but I just

> feel bad. I love my papaw, but we were never close because I never got the

> chance to really know him. I am wondering if my dad and his family are

> secretly in disbelief at the fact that I have no desire to see my

> grandfather one more time before he dies.

> > > >

> > > > I can't leave work right now, but furthermore, I have no desire to

> be there. It's not for bad reasons, I love them all. But I do not feel a

> pull to be there with him and everyone during this time. And I feel guilty

> for feeling that way. I feel like this is a situation where I should WANT

> to be there. What is wrong with me? Why do I lack the compassion that a

> normal person might feel during this type of situation?

> > > >

> > > > I would probably drive up for a funeral, but I don't want to be

> there right now.

> > > >

> > > > I've been fortunate enough in my life to have not had to deal with

> death very much. When I've thought about it in my adult life, I've always

> felt very " matter of fact " about it.....not scared, not worried about it.

> But I'm wondering if my impending guilt is happening because if this were a

> situation that my nada was in, I would have been drawn to be a part of it

> because she would expect that of me. I would have paid dearly for not being

> there and mourning while everyone else was.

> > > >

> > > > I feel so abnormal.

> > > >

> > > > Sara Jo

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Guilt... it's a poison from the lips of our BPD parents that keeps on

making us sick long after we break contact. It's so hard to get that

toxin out of our systems, and it takes a long time.

But, as far as the grieving process, that is different for everyone.

Some people feel the need to be there with a dying loved one, others

don't. It does not make one person more abnormal than the other, it

just means you're grieving the way you wish to grieve. At this point,

I can say that the way you are feeling about your pawpaw and the whole

situation is PERFECTLY NORMAL.

Though, if you are comfortable with it, you could talk to your dad

about how you're feeling. I'm not sure if you've told him about your

mother & other issues that stem from being raised by a BPD, but

perhaps a talk with him would help you to feel better. Like I said,

I'm not sure what your relationship with him is like so no idea if

that's something you are comfortable with.

Guilt sucks. I often feel guilty for the world, but I'm learning not

to and to only take what feelings & emotions are mine.

Good luck & I am sorry to hear about your pawpaw.

Mia

>

>

>

> So like many of us KO's on here, I grew up with a mother (a nada) who

> often used guilt as a means to control me. One way in which she would do

> this would be by using illness as a weapon. I found out that she often

> exaggerated illnesses in order to gain sympathy and gain control. Whatever

> compassion and sympathy I used to have has been abused by my nada.

>

> Which brings me to my current shituation.

>

> Nada hasn't spoken to me in two years because she set an ultimatum for me,

> and I didn't give in. I got in touch with my dad and his family after nearly

> 15 years of being apart. She wasn't 100% at fault, but my nada had a LOT to

> do with my dad and his family not being in my life growing up. I got back in

> touch with my dad two years ago, and although my nada refuses to have a

> relationship with me because of it, I'm glad I made that decision to

> reconnect.

>

> Well...now...my " papaw " has been battling sickness for years. And now, he

> is not doing well and will more than likely die very soon. I got the news 2

> days ago. They live 5 hours north of where I live. Since getting the news,

> I've been torn because I do not have plans to drive up there to spend time

> with my perishing grandfather.

>

> I feel guilty and selfish. I can't leave my job to be on deathwatch right

> now. No one has made me feel guilty for not being there, but I just feel

> bad. I love my papaw, but we were never close because I never got the chance

> to really know him. I am wondering if my dad and his family are secretly in

> disbelief at the fact that I have no desire to see my grandfather one more

> time before he dies.

>

> I can't leave work right now, but furthermore, I have no desire to be

> there. It's not for bad reasons, I love them all. But I do not feel a pull

> to be there with him and everyone during this time. And I feel guilty for

> feeling that way. I feel like this is a situation where I should WANT to be

> there. What is wrong with me? Why do I lack the compassion that a normal

> person might feel during this type of situation?

>

> I would probably drive up for a funeral, but I don't want to be there

> right now.

>

> I've been fortunate enough in my life to have not had to deal with death

> very much. When I've thought about it in my adult life, I've always felt

> very " matter of fact " about it.....not scared, not worried about it. But I'm

> wondering if my impending guilt is happening because if this were a

> situation that my nada was in, I would have been drawn to be a part of it

> because she would expect that of me. I would have paid dearly for not being

> there and mourning while everyone else was.

>

> I feel so abnormal.

>

> Sara Jo

>

>