Guest guest Posted February 17, 2012 Report Share Posted February 17, 2012 Hi Everyone, I feel like I've reached the next impasse of my relationship with my Fada and complicit mother. I was hoping you all might be able to offer some perspective. To summarize, I have yet to bear the brunt of my father's rages. They have been focused on my brother and based on fada's inability to handle bro's wife. The two of them are the embodiment of all that is evil and cruel in the world. I am the " one caring child " . Bro is completely NC, fada can't even handle my mom talking on the phone with bro or receiving emails with pictures of his grandson. I've moved past the " trying to fix it " stage, and I've accepted that there's nothing I can do to change anyone else's behavior. I have essentially gone LC with fada because I'm afraid of what I might do to turn his rage against me. Fada lives far away, and I am close with bro and his wife. Mom keeps asking when I'll visit them or if dad can come visit just me, and not see my bro. I have said no to this multiple times. I have no idea what I might say or do that could trigger him to turn on me to. Is it wrong of me to refuse to visit my parents because I don't want to play this game with fada? It used to just be second nature to walk on the eggshells with him, but since everything has blown up, I am acutely aware of how he would react if I trigger him, and I just don't think I could handle that very well. I feel like I'm deserting fada, but at the same time, the idea of being with him ties my stomach in knots. Because he's never overtly raged at me, should I give him more of a chance? Is it wrong to avoid contact? Am I just being selfish and fearful? Is there anyone else out there who has navigated being " the good one " ? Thanks all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 17, 2012 Report Share Posted February 17, 2012 Listen to your gut. Sounds like an impossible situation but you can't fix it. Good luck. On Fri, Feb 17, 2012 at 10:04 AM, spaceobject81 wrote: > ** > > > Hi Everyone, > I feel like I've reached the next impasse of my relationship with my Fada > and complicit mother. I was hoping you all might be able to offer some > perspective. > > To summarize, I have yet to bear the brunt of my father's rages. They have > been focused on my brother and based on fada's inability to handle bro's > wife. The two of them are the embodiment of all that is evil and cruel in > the world. I am the " one caring child " . Bro is completely NC, fada can't > even handle my mom talking on the phone with bro or receiving emails with > pictures of his grandson. I've moved past the " trying to fix it " stage, and > I've accepted that there's nothing I can do to change anyone else's > behavior. > > I have essentially gone LC with fada because I'm afraid of what I might do > to turn his rage against me. Fada lives far away, and I am close with bro > and his wife. Mom keeps asking when I'll visit them or if dad can come > visit just me, and not see my bro. I have said no to this multiple times. I > have no idea what I might say or do that could trigger him to turn on me > to. Is it wrong of me to refuse to visit my parents because I don't want to > play this game with fada? It used to just be second nature to walk on the > eggshells with him, but since everything has blown up, I am acutely aware > of how he would react if I trigger him, and I just don't think I could > handle that very well. > > I feel like I'm deserting fada, but at the same time, the idea of being > with him ties my stomach in knots. Because he's never overtly raged at me, > should I give him more of a chance? Is it wrong to avoid contact? Am I just > being selfish and fearful? > > Is there anyone else out there who has navigated being " the good one " ? > > Thanks all. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 17, 2012 Report Share Posted February 17, 2012 My take on this is purely personal and subjective, but I feel I have a leg to stand on based on being a fellow KO who had a mother who behaved rather a lot like your father behaves. In my opinion, over the span of your lifetime your fada has trained you, your mother and brother to be terrified of him and to obey him, defer to him and cater to him through sheer intimidation. Your father is basically a bully. Threatening people with retribution in the form of a beating, of being screamed at or humiliated, or being excommunicated from the family, making you watch as others are attacked and punished... well, that's abuse and its morally and ethically wrong to do that to people, to anyone, but its particularly heinous and reprehensible to bully your own children. Its a frank abuse of power, abuse of the natural love and respect that children feel for their parents. Its abusive for a parent to favoritize one child over another and drive siblings apart from each other, as well. Personality-disordered parents seem to do that A LOT. Pretty much everyone who has ever posted here has experienced either being the " golden " all good favorite child or the " scapegoated " all-bad child by their personality disordered parent. Or switched back and forth, as Sister and I were. Its abusive, wrong and crazy-making to torment your own kids like that. Its also a form of abuse and its wrong to passively hang back and allow your spouse to mistreat your kids like that. A lot of us here have " dishrag " parents who meekly allow their dominant, controlling personality-disordered spouse to mistreat the kids. From my point of view that's just as wrong and morally objectionable as the actual bullying. In my family my mother was the dominant, scary, controlling one and dad was the passive, enabling, and yes, cowardly parent. So, it boils down to a choice on your part; what feels the most tolerable to you. You are the only one who can decide what you are willing or able to do, or not do, or handle. But I think calling something what it really is: in this case your father is actually a bully in my opinion. " Calling a spade a spade " can help clarify the situation and the behaviors, and clarity of thought can help with decision-making. -Annie > > Hi Everyone, > I feel like I've reached the next impasse of my relationship with my Fada and complicit mother. I was hoping you all might be able to offer some perspective. > > To summarize, I have yet to bear the brunt of my father's rages. They have been focused on my brother and based on fada's inability to handle bro's wife. The two of them are the embodiment of all that is evil and cruel in the world. I am the " one caring child " . Bro is completely NC, fada can't even handle my mom talking on the phone with bro or receiving emails with pictures of his grandson. I've moved past the " trying to fix it " stage, and I've accepted that there's nothing I can do to change anyone else's behavior. > > I have essentially gone LC with fada because I'm afraid of what I might do to turn his rage against me. Fada lives far away, and I am close with bro and his wife. Mom keeps asking when I'll visit them or if dad can come visit just me, and not see my bro. I have said no to this multiple times. I have no idea what I might say or do that could trigger him to turn on me to. Is it wrong of me to refuse to visit my parents because I don't want to play this game with fada? It used to just be second nature to walk on the eggshells with him, but since everything has blown up, I am acutely aware of how he would react if I trigger him, and I just don't think I could handle that very well. > > I feel like I'm deserting fada, but at the same time, the idea of being with him ties my stomach in knots. Because he's never overtly raged at me, should I give him more of a chance? Is it wrong to avoid contact? Am I just being selfish and fearful? > > Is there anyone else out there who has navigated being " the good one " ? > > Thanks all. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 17, 2012 Report Share Posted February 17, 2012 Is it wrong of me to refuse to visit my parents because I don't want to play this game with fada? NO. A thousand times, no. It isn't wrong of you at all. > > I feel like I'm deserting fada, but at the same time, the idea of being with him ties my stomach in knots. You're not deserting anybody. If your fada wants people to be around him, he'll change his behavior to make that a more attractive option. You're not selfish for wanting to protect your own boundaries. You don't have to visit or talk to ANYone you don't want to, even your parents. Sveta Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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