it wasn't okay -- normalizing

[Guest guest]

my therapist told me i normalize the things my mom did.

i know i do it, mostly to keep my sanity.

it wasn't okay when she...

...didn't take me to the hospital when i broke my back

...took me to the ER when i was perfectly fine

...told me my sweet boyfriend only wanted me for sex

...asked me what was wrong with my boyfriend when i told her he would wait for

me

...told me that men didn't have real feelings and that they only wanted sexual

relief

...told my family to stop calling me as long as i was still with the man i

loved

...told me that i had to choose between her and my boyfriend

...told me that if my father gets sick and dies that it would be my fault

...told me that people don't really love me

...took away my car keys when i asked about contraception

...requested a retraining order against my boyfriend for no reason

...told me that I was dead to her as long as I was with him

...told people that she didn't have a daughter right in front of me so i could

hear it

...wouldn't let me see my grandma in the hospital before she died

...watched me cry every day for years and would never offer me a way out of the

grief

...told me I should kill myself because I told her I couldn't choose between my

mom and my boyfriend

...told me she would never want to meet my children if i had them with the man

i loved

...sent me away to a college against my will and i cried every day for a

semester

...never watched me figure skate for the 10 years i did it and competed

...didn't let me grow up and have my own wants and opinions

...told me to stay quiet about our conversations

...told me to never talk about my boyfriend after we broke up

...didn't let me grieve

...didn't get help for herself and her problems with Borderline

...lied to her therapist and told her how horrible i was to her

...had a party with friends and relatives when we broke up because she was so

happy that i was miserable

...told my dad to stay out of every conversation

...told me that she needed my father for herself more than I needed him as a

dad

...never accepted me for who i was

...didn't respect my opinions and decisions

...made me second-guess every major and minor decision in front of me

...not allowing my boyfriend to my high school and college graduation

...making every situation about her

...still, at this time of my life (I am 49), she doesn't see when I am down and

never asks me about my mood

I COULD GO ON AND ON...

but I have to go make dinner for my family and I'm getting so angry writing

this.

I'd like to know what your lists are!! What are you angry about and

normalizing!!!

Amy

barrycove@...

[Guest guest]

One that triggers a lot for me is that I was a bad kid. I did everything I could

to hurt or make my nada rage. It was MY fault. After all I control her emotions

don't you know! It's my fault that I was acting out because I didn't have the

support of a loving mother to deal with a drug addicted father and being

sexually abused by two different men. I shouldn't have had ANY emotions to that.

I over-react all the time.

>

> my therapist told me i normalize the things my mom did.

> i know i do it, mostly to keep my sanity.

>

>

> it wasn't okay when she...

> ...didn't take me to the hospital when i broke my back

> ...took me to the ER when i was perfectly fine

> ...told me my sweet boyfriend only wanted me for sex

> ...asked me what was wrong with my boyfriend when i told her he would wait

for me

> ...told me that men didn't have real feelings and that they only wanted

sexual relief

> ...told my family to stop calling me as long as i was still with the man i

loved

> ...told me that i had to choose between her and my boyfriend

> ...told me that if my father gets sick and dies that it would be my fault

> ...told me that people don't really love me

> ...took away my car keys when i asked about contraception

> ...requested a retraining order against my boyfriend for no reason

> ...told me that I was dead to her as long as I was with him

> ...told people that she didn't have a daughter right in front of me so i

could hear it

> ...wouldn't let me see my grandma in the hospital before she died

> ...watched me cry every day for years and would never offer me a way out of

the grief

> ...told me I should kill myself because I told her I couldn't choose between

my mom and my boyfriend

> ...told me she would never want to meet my children if i had them with the

man i loved

> ...sent me away to a college against my will and i cried every day for a

semester

> ...never watched me figure skate for the 10 years i did it and competed

> ...didn't let me grow up and have my own wants and opinions

> ...told me to stay quiet about our conversations

> ...told me to never talk about my boyfriend after we broke up

> ...didn't let me grieve

> ...didn't get help for herself and her problems with Borderline

> ...lied to her therapist and told her how horrible i was to her

> ...had a party with friends and relatives when we broke up because she was so

happy that i was miserable

> ...told my dad to stay out of every conversation

> ...told me that she needed my father for herself more than I needed him as a

dad

> ...never accepted me for who i was

> ...didn't respect my opinions and decisions

> ...made me second-guess every major and minor decision in front of me

> ...not allowing my boyfriend to my high school and college graduation

> ...making every situation about her

> ...still, at this time of my life (I am 49), she doesn't see when I am down

and never asks me about my mood

>

>

> I COULD GO ON AND ON...

> but I have to go make dinner for my family and I'm getting so angry writing

this.

> I'd like to know what your lists are!! What are you angry about and

normalizing!!!

>

>

> Amy

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

> barrycove@...

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

(((((Amy)))))

I'm so sorry; no child or young person should have to experience what you did at

the hands of your own mother. A person who treats her own child the way you

were treated has no business parenting; your nada was way too mentally ill to

have been trusted to take care of a hamster, let alone a child. I'm afraid mine

was similarly shockingly unsuited to be the parent of small children.

To me that's a big " tell " or Giant Waving Red Flag when a parent isn't

conscientious, caring or empathetic enough to perceive when her own child is

genuinely ill or injured. A mother (or father) who either can't tell if her

own child is ill or injured, or simply does not give a flying crap if her child

is ill or injured, or actually enjoys her child's suffering as " deserved " , or

(like mine) attacks and vilifies the hurt, sick child instead of comforting her,

should not be left alone with children.

ly, all the behaviors and acts you listed seem to be Big Red Waving Flags

that something was/is seriously wrong with your mom, Amy. Normal, " good

enough " , mentally healthy, empathetic mothers even when they are REALLY UPSET,

HURT AND ANGRY would not dream of telling their daughter that she should go kill

herself. That is so many different kinds of abusive that its dizzying. But as

tiny, trusting, dependent children we are hard-wired to love, bond with and want

to please whoever or whatever presents itself to us as " mother. "

That's why saddling a child with a mentally ill, abusive or negligent or

exploitative parent is such a bone-deep betrayal.

As Doug says, may we all heal.

-Annie

>

> my therapist told me i normalize the things my mom did.

> i know i do it, mostly to keep my sanity.

>

>

> it wasn't okay when she...

> ...didn't take me to the hospital when i broke my back

> ...took me to the ER when i was perfectly fine

> ...told me my sweet boyfriend only wanted me for sex

> ...asked me what was wrong with my boyfriend when i told her he would wait

for me

> ...told me that men didn't have real feelings and that they only wanted

sexual relief

> ...told my family to stop calling me as long as i was still with the man i

loved

> ...told me that i had to choose between her and my boyfriend

> ...told me that if my father gets sick and dies that it would be my fault

> ...told me that people don't really love me

> ...took away my car keys when i asked about contraception

> ...requested a retraining order against my boyfriend for no reason

> ...told me that I was dead to her as long as I was with him

> ...told people that she didn't have a daughter right in front of me so i

could hear it

> ...wouldn't let me see my grandma in the hospital before she died

> ...watched me cry every day for years and would never offer me a way out of

the grief

> ...told me I should kill myself because I told her I couldn't choose between

my mom and my boyfriend

> ...told me she would never want to meet my children if i had them with the

man i loved

> ...sent me away to a college against my will and i cried every day for a

semester

> ...never watched me figure skate for the 10 years i did it and competed

> ...didn't let me grow up and have my own wants and opinions

> ...told me to stay quiet about our conversations

> ...told me to never talk about my boyfriend after we broke up

> ...didn't let me grieve

> ...didn't get help for herself and her problems with Borderline

> ...lied to her therapist and told her how horrible i was to her

> ...had a party with friends and relatives when we broke up because she was so

happy that i was miserable

> ...told my dad to stay out of every conversation

> ...told me that she needed my father for herself more than I needed him as a

dad

> ...never accepted me for who i was

> ...didn't respect my opinions and decisions

> ...made me second-guess every major and minor decision in front of me

> ...not allowing my boyfriend to my high school and college graduation

> ...making every situation about her

> ...still, at this time of my life (I am 49), she doesn't see when I am down

and never asks me about my mood

>

>

> I COULD GO ON AND ON...

> but I have to go make dinner for my family and I'm getting so angry writing

this.

> I'd like to know what your lists are!! What are you angry about and

normalizing!!!

>

>

> Amy

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

> barrycove@...

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

((( & Annie)))

I know, I know.

I have learned so much about this borderline, mental illness stuff.

I have made so much progress over the years...

but I wonder if I will ever really feel whole...and peaceful..even though I have

everything I've ever wanted now (my sweet husband, my triplets and twins, my

amazing puppy, good friends, healthy athletic lifestyle..etc.).

I just wanna get thru all the triggers thru the day that remind me that I had to

raise myself.

Amy

barrycove@...

[Guest guest]

(((((Amy)))))

Everyone feels sad, blue, etc., from time to time, but if you are noticing that

you are mostly sad most of the time, and its impacting your ability to enjoy

life, enjoy your family, enjoy and relish the good things you have, then perhaps

that is something to bring up with your general practitioner. If the usual

things like getting more invigorating outdoor exercise, getting enough good

sleep, getting relief from stress, getting proper nutrition and hydration,

etc.,... if you are noticing that taking good care of yourself doesn't help

alleviate your sad feelings and they're pretty persistent (long-term, frequent)

and pervasive (affecting all areas of your life), then, that's something that

can be dealt with effectively in other ways.

The good news is that chronic depression and other mood issues are very

treatable, and there is no shame in seeking treatment for moods that are

impacting our quality of life.

I myself discovered at one point earlier in my life that I was becoming so

extremely stressed and anxious at work that I was starting to not sleep well and

even experiencing chest pains. My gp said my blood pressure was also through the

roof, and put me on an anti-anxiety med; it worked very well. Once I got myself

transferred away from the nasty bitch of a new boss who took over my old

department, I found I didn't need the anti-anxiety med anymore.

So, I recommend checking out the possibility of talk therapy and/or meds to get

you back to a place where you can more easily regulate and modify your feelings

on your own, if the sadness never seems to go away. A good therapist can help

you learn ways to moderate your moods, and can even help you access and release

any suppressed anger you might be carrying; I've read that depression can be due

to anger that has no healthy outlet, and so is turned back in against the self.

Just some ideas to consider; only you can determine what will best suit your own

individual needs and situation, what feels best to you RE various ways to tackle

sad feelings that never seem to go away.

-Annie

>

> ((( & Annie)))

> I know, I know.

> I have learned so much about this borderline, mental illness stuff.

> I have made so much progress over the years...

> but I wonder if I will ever really feel whole...and peaceful..even though I

have everything I've ever wanted now (my sweet husband, my triplets and twins,

my amazing puppy, good friends, healthy athletic lifestyle..etc.).

> I just wanna get thru all the triggers thru the day that remind me that I had

to raise myself.

>

>

> Amy

>

>

> barrycove@...

>

>

>

>