Grandma died last night

February 18, 2012

Hi all,

First, forgive me if I kind of bounce around with thoughts here, this whole

situation is very confusing for me.

Over the past 2 days my grandmother became very ill, apparently the main culprit

was a UTI allowed to run rampant. She had kidney failure, had such low blood

pressure that they couldn't do dialysis, when they couldn't bring her blood

pressure back up, they decided to take her off all the meds/life support and let

her go.

A little background: I believe my grandmother had a PD, although I'm not certain

it was borderline, although it's clear to me there were a lot of issues (beyond

regular family issues) in her relationships with her sons--namely, a lot of

codependency. She was co-dependent with her youngest son, my uncle, until the

day she died. They actually joked that they were like a married couple (and it

never dawned on them how weird that was to everyone else). When my grandfather

was alive, I think he was such a strong personality that he kept her in check,

but when his health began to fail, she could then behave however she wanted.

I think her relationship issues were hardest on my father--his first wife was a

BPD, and he could never see how his prioritizing his mother's needs over his own

was to the level of unhealthiness. Of course I understand that when you have an

ill parent that you might put your own needs aside temporarily to make sure they

are okay and take care of them, but it was never temporary with my dad. His

needs never ever took precedence over anything she wanted or needed, and because

of the codependent relationship with my uncle, that often got rolled into it

too. My uncle is most certainly BPD with some histrionic PD thrown in there. He

has the emotional maturity of a 12 year-old. Fortunately my step-mother sees all

of this too, and she agrees with me. And it was in a way that I wasn't bringing

it up, she was asking me about it. She wonders if it was Asbergers, but I think

it's beyond that.

My grandmother also had a very bad, critical UTI over the summer, and had to be

hospitalized for a time. A little more background: she hasn't properly walked in

like 30 years. She has been overweight and then obese all her life, and the

obesity destroyed her knees. She was too afraid to get surgery to repair the

injuries, so she has been in a wheel chair almost all her adult life. She can

stand up and switch to the toilet, but after the UTI and she got so weak, she

could no longer lift herself out of the wheelchair. The reason the UTI got so

bad is because she didn't say anything about it. This was in August. FYI, my

grandfather passed away in May. She was definitely depressed about it. She got

better though, and went through rehab to gain back the strength to go back to

living in the assisted living facility.

She and my uncle lived about 450 miles away from my father, who was making the

5+ hour drive almost every weekend to take care of her. My father will be 60

this year, and he has his own medical issues--nothing too severe, but he did

have a slight cardiac episode a couple of years ago. After the first UTI, my dad

tried to talk grandma into moving into a facility near him, and uncle to move

closer too, so that he could more easily take care of them. (Uncle is in his

50s, diabetic, heart irregularity, on disability.) They balked for a long time,

even with her grandkids (my uncle doesn't have any kids, so it's just me and my

brothers) trying to tell her how much easier it would be for us to visit if they

were all in the same place. One brother only lives 2 hours away and visits dad

frequently to go fishing and shooting. Other brother lives in Southern

California and I live in Montana, so for us, it's a long cross country flight (I

can't even get a direct flight, and I always have to take so many connections

that I have to fly for 13 hours). We always tried to make her understand how

difficult it is to take vacation to visit them and then have to spend 10+ hours

driving between her and father. We would have so much more time with her if she

would move. Currently whenever we visit, we only typically get to spend about 2

hours with her due to all the related factors. This didn't seem to concern her

too much.

So in December my father put his foot down, and his money, on a deposit on a

really wonderful facility in Tampa, and basically told her she was moving. He

didn't do it all on his own, she had been flipping back and forth between saying

yes and no, and uncle was on board as well to move. So my dad just took some

action to make it happen. Grandma was very angry and upset. Now, FYI, she always

talked about how lonely she was at the home, she didn't have any friends, it was

boring etc. Now all of a sudden she doesn't want to leave her friends, etc. My

dad outfitted her vehicle with this special seat that mechanically swings out so

she just has to slide over, then it lifts up and swings back into the front

passenger seat. She was very angry about him spending money on that too. Except

if you saw what they had to do to life a 300lb immobile woman into the van, you

would not believe how dangerous it is. My dad and uncle are in their 50s; it is

not easy for them to do that. This would make her so much more mobile so she

could get out again instead of being confined to the home.

Anyways, three weeks ago they moved her down. My dad drove her on the 5+ hour

drive. She let him have it the whole way. And you know how BPD rages are, I'm

assuming it was just like that based on what I have heard. Since she moved, she

only had a few visits when she was actually nice to him.

Then, two days ago, my dad discovers her in her apartment, and thinks she has

had a stroke. It turns out she's in kidney failure due to a UTI (and I already

told you the rest above).

Here's what's killing me: she had to have noticed that she was unwell before my

dad found her. The same with when she got so sick from a UTI in August. It's

like she is keeping it secret. UTIs are so treatable. Why would you let it get

to that level? I have also been told that she was having such digestive problems

that she was taking massive amounts of laxative, then having violent diarrhea

(so much so that there actually had to be cleaning afterwards--so she wasn't

making it to the toilet). Who lives like that? Who allows yourself to live that

way?

So, here's where I finally say what I've been batting around. I think she killed

herself. I really think she committed suicide by just letting herself waste

away, get ill, and die. I wonder if it was just due to loneliness or if it was

to get back at my dad, but what really matters is that my dad is now having to

deal with these terrible feelings of guilt.

Do you think it's possible that, if she really was a BPD or PD, that she would

have honestly done this to herself? Maybe she didn't intend to kill herself but

maybe she wanted to make herself sick to get back at my dad? It seems really

likely to me.

Of course, I want to add that I'm very sad that she died. Only in the past few

years did I start to have a relationship with her, and the distance was enough

that her BPD didn't really affect me. She would send me handwritten notes, and

would mention her loneliness, among all the other updates. But she had terrible

arthritis, so I always felt really special that she sent me these lovely

handwritten letters, which she didn't sent to my brothers. When I got my new

job, she was so proud and boasted to all the other ladies at the home about her

successful granddaughter. My job calls for a lot of traveling, so I would pick

up postcards in every town I visited and send her one telling her " I'm thinking

of you and hoping you're well. " She really enjoyed that--especially the old

photo of New York, since she used to live there, she actually knew where it was

from and recognized it, so she really enjoyed receiving it. She gifted me with a

lot of her jewelry, and during my last visit in December, we went through all

these very old photographs and she told me who everyone was and details about

them so she could pass on the family history. She was really happy to have

someone to tell about her life, and I was happy to give her that time of feeling

good about something. So, you know, I don't know if she had BPD, or just bad

codependency, or maybe just BPD tendencies, who knows. Her history certain fits

it. Her mother died when she was young, and her father basically abandoned her

to marry three other women, and she was left bouncing around to different family

her whole life until she got married.

Okay, I've gone on quite a bit now. I'm just wondering if anyone else thinks

it's possible she did this on purpose. I'm really angry with her, because I

think she did.

February 18, 2012

I'm so sorry for you loss. And my heart goes out to your dad who is feeling

entirely inappropriate and misplaced guilt, merely for trying to do the right

thing for his mother. I hope he will consider perhaps seeking therapy to help

him overcome it.

There is nothing that can be done if a person is determined to commit suicide,

either quickly or slowly, other than put them in a lock-down situation where

they are constantly monitored, force fed, and given treatment whether they want

it or not. Its just very sad, but if a person really wants to kill their own

self they can easily do so. If your grandmother was doggedly determined to

slow suicide by eating herself to death and never going to see a doctor about

any symptoms she was having, then, that was her choice.

Actually, I have read that those with borderline pd have the highest rate of

suicide attempts and completed suicides of all the Cluster B pds, probably due

to the combination of high impulsivity and emotional dysregulation.

I hope you can reassure your dad that none of this was his fault, and he should

be commended for trying to do the right thing by his mother by getting her into

a nice assisted living facility. If I were in your situation I'd encourage your

dad to seek out a compassionate therapist who can help him through the stages of

grieving and help him unburden himself from the misplaced and inappropriate

guilt. He doesn't deserve to torture himself with that.

My sincere condolences to both of you.

-Annie

>

> Hi all,

>

> First, forgive me if I kind of bounce around with thoughts here, this whole

situation is very confusing for me.

>

> Over the past 2 days my grandmother became very ill, apparently the main

culprit was a UTI allowed to run rampant. She had kidney failure, had such low

blood pressure that they couldn't do dialysis, when they couldn't bring her

blood pressure back up, they decided to take her off all the meds/life support

and let her go.

>

> A little background: I believe my grandmother had a PD, although I'm not

certain it was borderline, although it's clear to me there were a lot of issues

(beyond regular family issues) in her relationships with her sons--namely, a lot

of codependency. She was co-dependent with her youngest son, my uncle, until the

day she died. They actually joked that they were like a married couple (and it

never dawned on them how weird that was to everyone else). When my grandfather

was alive, I think he was such a strong personality that he kept her in check,

but when his health began to fail, she could then behave however she wanted.

>

> I think her relationship issues were hardest on my father--his first wife was

a BPD, and he could never see how his prioritizing his mother's needs over his

own was to the level of unhealthiness. Of course I understand that when you have

an ill parent that you might put your own needs aside temporarily to make sure

they are okay and take care of them, but it was never temporary with my dad. His