Parental emotional abuse is the worst kind of abuse

[Guest guest]

I came across what I consider to be a really well-written article by " attorney

and author Vachss (who) has devoted his life to protecting children. "

The article discusses why emotional abuse directed at a child by his or her

parents is actually the worst form of abuse, and inflicts the most long-term

damage; here is an excerpt:

" ...When it comes to damage, there is no real difference between physical,

sexual and emotional abuse. All that distinguishes one from the other is the

abuser's choice of weapons. I remember a woman, a grandmother whose abusers had

long since died, telling me that time had not conquered her pain. " It wasn't

just the incest, " she said quietly. " It was that he didn't love me. If he loved

me, he couldn't have done that to me. "

But emotional abuse is unique because it is designed to make the victim feel

guilty. Emotional abuse is repetitive and eventually cumulative behavior—very

easy to imitate—and some victims later perpetuate the cycle with their own

children. Although most victims courageously reject that response, their lives

often are marked by a deep, pervasive sadness, a severely damaged self-concept

and an inability to truly engage and bond with others.... "

***

I think this writer/author is right on target, myself. And I think that way

too many parents who have Cluster B personality disorders, particularly those

who are undiagnosed and untreated, who are very high-functioning and able to

inflict the abuse covertly, are doing untold damage.

I hope that articles like this can receive more attention and raise public

awareness of the need to recognize and intervene when emotional abuse of a child

is suspected.

The elephant in the room RE Cluster B disorder discussions, at support groups

for those with bpd and support groups for us adult survivors of abusive pd

parents, is that the very traits and behaviors that define borderline pd and

the other Cluster B pds *virtually guarantee* that any child in the care of such

an individual who is moderately to severely affected by bpd is *highly likely*

to be subjected to emotional, physical and/or sexual abuse or neglect.

In my opinion.

That is the point that bpd apologists seem to avoid mentioning, or responding

to; it needs to be brought up and discussed A LOT. If very *mildly* affected

individuals with bpd/npd (or sub-clinincal bpd) can be helped with intensive

therapy and meds, and can learn to be good parents with a lot of monitoring and

supervision, then that is wonderful. But the moderately to severely affected

individuals who refuse treatment and who inflict abuse chronically and covertly

are a real danger to their own kids! Again, in my opinion.

Here's the link to the whole article:

http://www.vachss.com/av_dispatches/disp_9408_a.html

-Annie

[Guest guest]

Thank you for sharing. My husband and I were just talking earlier about how

people need to be more aware of emotional/psychological abuse, after we saw

an ad on a bus championing one lawyer's devotion to representing victims of

physical abuse.

It's really bad for the kids, because we grow up so used to things being

that certain, disordered way....so we don't know just how much pain we are

(or were) in. And I agree so much with what wrote about " not

telling " because it will " hurt the family. " Even though my family denied

the abuse by fada, my fada would teach to keep things within the family,

because it was incredibly important to put on a " good face for the public. "

That kind of two-face actions is so weird now that I think about it, but it

was normal to me then.

Hopefully eventually people will start focusing more on preventing and

intervening in psychological and emotional abuse cases, and not just the

physical.

On Sat, Feb 18, 2012 at 11:27 AM, anuria67854 wrote:

> **

>

>

> I came across what I consider to be a really well-written article by

> " attorney and author Vachss (who) has devoted his life to protecting

> children. " The article discusses why emotional abuse directed at a child by

> his or her parents is actually the worst form of abuse, and inflicts the

> most long-term damage; here is an excerpt:

>

> " ...When it comes to damage, there is no real difference between physical,

> sexual and emotional abuse. All that distinguishes one from the other is

> the abuser's choice of weapons. I remember a woman, a grandmother whose

> abusers had long since died, telling me that time had not conquered her

> pain. " It wasn't just the incest, " she said quietly. " It was that he didn't

> love me. If he loved me, he couldn't have done that to me. "

>

> But emotional abuse is unique because it is designed to make the victim

> feel guilty. Emotional abuse is repetitive and eventually cumulative

> behavior—very easy to imitate—and some victims later perpetuate the cycle

> with their own children. Although most victims courageously reject that

> response, their lives often are marked by a deep, pervasive sadness, a

> severely damaged self-concept and an inability to truly engage and bond

> with others.... "

> ***

> I think this writer/author is right on target, myself. And I think that

> way too many parents who have Cluster B personality disorders, particularly

> those who are undiagnosed and untreated, who are very high-functioning and

> able to inflict the abuse covertly, are doing untold damage.

>

> I hope that articles like this can receive more attention and raise public

> awareness of the need to recognize and intervene when emotional abuse of a

> child is suspected.

>

> The elephant in the room RE Cluster B disorder discussions, at support

> groups for those with bpd and support groups for us adult survivors of

> abusive pd parents, is that the very traits and behaviors that define

> borderline pd and the other Cluster B pds *virtually guarantee* that any

> child in the care of such an individual who is moderately to severely

> affected by bpd is *highly likely* to be subjected to emotional, physical

> and/or sexual abuse or neglect.

> In my opinion.

>

> That is the point that bpd apologists seem to avoid mentioning, or

> responding to; it needs to be brought up and discussed A LOT. If very

> *mildly* affected individuals with bpd/npd (or sub-clinincal bpd) can be

> helped with intensive therapy and meds, and can learn to be good parents

> with a lot of monitoring and supervision, then that is wonderful. But the

> moderately to severely affected individuals who refuse treatment and who

> inflict abuse chronically and covertly are a real danger to their own kids!

> Again, in my opinion.

>

> Here's the link to the whole article:

>

> http://www.vachss.com/av_dispatches/disp_9408_a.html

>

> -Annie

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Well, really, not a surprise.

I'm really affected by this:

But emotional abuse is unique because it is designed to make the victim feel

guilty. Emotional abuse is repetitive and eventually cumulative behavior—very

easy to imitate—and some victims later perpetuate the cycle with their own

children. Although most victims courageously reject that response, their lives

often are marked by a deep, pervasive sadness, a severely damaged self-concept

and an inability to truly engage and bond with others.... "

I've managed to stop the cycle, but the last line is me. I've been struggling

with it and trying to understand it. My husband " gets it " , he even had someone

ask him why I was so guarded all the time and can't " let go " (New years eve

party, I don't get drunk EVER, because I " go there " ), this was his response.

Kinda floored me to hear him say this, I never really realized the extent I

don't think. I just thought I was broken.

[Guest guest]

Thanks for this, Annie. I have said something similar for a long time

to those who I have shared my past with: I'd rather take the physical

abuse than the verbal/emotional any day of the week.

Sounds awful, but I agree 100% with this author. The pain from the

emotional abuse lasts so much longer, so much. But, I do think we can

heal from it.

Thanks again. Will have to read the article now.

Mia

>

>

>

> I came across what I consider to be a really well-written article by

> " attorney and author Vachss (who) has devoted his life to protecting

> children. " The article discusses why emotional abuse directed at a child by

> his or her parents is actually the worst form of abuse, and inflicts the

> most long-term damage; here is an excerpt:

>

> " ...When it comes to damage, there is no real difference between physical,

> sexual and emotional abuse. All that distinguishes one from the other is the

> abuser's choice of weapons. I remember a woman, a grandmother whose abusers

> had long since died, telling me that time had not conquered her pain. " It

> wasn't just the incest, " she said quietly. " It was that he didn't love me.

> If he loved me, he couldn't have done that to me. "

>

> But emotional abuse is unique because it is designed to make the victim

> feel guilty. Emotional abuse is repetitive and eventually cumulative

> behavior—very easy to imitate—and some victims later perpetuate the cycle

> with their own children. Although most victims courageously reject that

> response, their lives often are marked by a deep, pervasive sadness, a

> severely damaged self-concept and an inability to truly engage and bond with

> others.... "

> ***

> I think this writer/author is right on target, myself. And I think that

> way too many parents who have Cluster B personality disorders, particularly

> those who are undiagnosed and untreated, who are very high-functioning and

> able to inflict the abuse covertly, are doing untold damage.

>

> I hope that articles like this can receive more attention and raise public

> awareness of the need to recognize and intervene when emotional abuse of a

> child is suspected.

>

> The elephant in the room RE Cluster B disorder discussions, at support

> groups for those with bpd and support groups for us adult survivors of

> abusive pd parents, is that the very traits and behaviors that define

> borderline pd and the other Cluster B pds *virtually guarantee* that any

> child in the care of such an individual who is moderately to severely

> affected by bpd is *highly likely* to be subjected to emotional, physical

> and/or sexual abuse or neglect.

> In my opinion.

>

> That is the point that bpd apologists seem to avoid mentioning, or

> responding to; it needs to be brought up and discussed A LOT. If very

> *mildly* affected individuals with bpd/npd (or sub-clinincal bpd) can be

> helped with intensive therapy and meds, and can learn to be good parents

> with a lot of monitoring and supervision, then that is wonderful. But the

> moderately to severely affected individuals who refuse treatment and who

> inflict abuse chronically and covertly are a real danger to their own kids!

> Again, in my opinion.

>

> Here's the link to the whole article:

>

> http://www.vachss.com/av_dispatches/disp_9408_a.html

>

> -Annie

>

>

[Guest guest]

It also reminds me of something I told my husband once... In regards

to the old children's saying about sticks & stones...

It should have been, " Sticks & stones will break my bones, but words

can truly hurt me. "

Mia

> Thanks for this, Annie. I have said something similar for a long time

> to those who I have shared my past with: I'd rather take the physical

> abuse than the verbal/emotional any day of the week.

>

> Sounds awful, but I agree 100% with this author. The pain from the

> emotional abuse lasts so much longer, so much. But, I do think we can

> heal from it.

>

> Thanks again. Will have to read the article now.

>

> Mia

>

> On Sat, Feb 18, 2012 at 12:27 PM, anuria67854

wrote:

>>

>>

>>

>> I came across what I consider to be a really well-written article by

>> " attorney and author Vachss (who) has devoted his life to protecting

>> children. " The article discusses why emotional abuse directed at a child by

>> his or her parents is actually the worst form of abuse, and inflicts the

>> most long-term damage; here is an excerpt:

>>

>> " ...When it comes to damage, there is no real difference between physical,

>> sexual and emotional abuse. All that distinguishes one from the other is the

>> abuser's choice of weapons. I remember a woman, a grandmother whose abusers

>> had long since died, telling me that time had not conquered her pain. " It

>> wasn't just the incest, " she said quietly. " It was that he didn't love me.

>> If he loved me, he couldn't have done that to me. "

>>

>> But emotional abuse is unique because it is designed to make the victim

>> feel guilty. Emotional abuse is repetitive and eventually cumulative

>> behavior—very easy to imitate—and some victims later perpetuate the cycle

>> with their own children. Although most victims courageously reject that

>> response, their lives often are marked by a deep, pervasive sadness, a

>> severely damaged self-concept and an inability to truly engage and bond with

>> others.... "

>> ***

>> I think this writer/author is right on target, myself. And I think that

>> way too many parents who have Cluster B personality disorders, particularly

>> those who are undiagnosed and untreated, who are very high-functioning and

>> able to inflict the abuse covertly, are doing untold damage.

>>

>> I hope that articles like this can receive more attention and raise public

>> awareness of the need to recognize and intervene when emotional abuse of a

>> child is suspected.

>>

>> The elephant in the room RE Cluster B disorder discussions, at support

>> groups for those with bpd and support groups for us adult survivors of

>> abusive pd parents, is that the very traits and behaviors that define

>> borderline pd and the other Cluster B pds *virtually guarantee* that any

>> child in the care of such an individual who is moderately to severely

>> affected by bpd is *highly likely* to be subjected to emotional, physical

>> and/or sexual abuse or neglect.

>> In my opinion.

>>

>> That is the point that bpd apologists seem to avoid mentioning, or

>> responding to; it needs to be brought up and discussed A LOT. If very

>> *mildly* affected individuals with bpd/npd (or sub-clinincal bpd) can be

>> helped with intensive therapy and meds, and can learn to be good parents

>> with a lot of monitoring and supervision, then that is wonderful. But the

>> moderately to severely affected individuals who refuse treatment and who

>> inflict abuse chronically and covertly are a real danger to their own kids!

>> Again, in my opinion.

>>

>> Here's the link to the whole article:

>>

>> http://www.vachss.com/av_dispatches/disp_9408_a.html

>>

>> -Annie

>>

>>

[Guest guest]

Thanks for posting this Annie. This Vachss speaks to the truth well.

Damage that can last till someone is elderly is profound and our society needs

to one day start to truly protect the children of the unstable.

Eliza

>

> I came across what I consider to be a really well-written article by " attorney

and author Vachss (who) has devoted his life to protecting children. "

The article discusses why emotional abuse directed at a child by his or her

parents is actually the worst form of abuse, and inflicts the most long-term

damage; here is an excerpt:

>

> " ...When it comes to damage, there is no real difference between physical,

sexual and emotional abuse. All that distinguishes one from the other is the

abuser's choice of weapons. I remember a woman, a grandmother whose abusers had

long since died, telling me that time had not conquered her pain. " It wasn't

just the incest, " she said quietly. " It was that he didn't love me. If he loved

me, he couldn't have done that to me. "

>

> But emotional abuse is unique because it is designed to make the victim feel

guilty. Emotional abuse is repetitive and eventually cumulative behavior—very

easy to imitate—and some victims later perpetuate the cycle with their own

children. Although most victims courageously reject that response, their lives

often are marked by a deep, pervasive sadness, a severely damaged self-concept

and an inability to truly engage and bond with others.... "

> ***

> I think this writer/author is right on target, myself. And I think that way

too many parents who have Cluster B personality disorders, particularly those

who are undiagnosed and untreated, who are very high-functioning and able to

inflict the abuse covertly, are doing untold damage.

>

> I hope that articles like this can receive more attention and raise public

awareness of the need to recognize and intervene when emotional abuse of a child

is suspected.

>

> The elephant in the room RE Cluster B disorder discussions, at support groups

for those with bpd and support groups for us adult survivors of abusive pd

parents, is that the very traits and behaviors that define borderline pd and

the other Cluster B pds *virtually guarantee* that any child in the care of such

an individual who is moderately to severely affected by bpd is *highly likely*

to be subjected to emotional, physical and/or sexual abuse or neglect.

> In my opinion.

>

> That is the point that bpd apologists seem to avoid mentioning, or responding

to; it needs to be brought up and discussed A LOT. If very *mildly* affected

individuals with bpd/npd (or sub-clinincal bpd) can be helped with intensive

therapy and meds, and can learn to be good parents with a lot of monitoring and

supervision, then that is wonderful. But the moderately to severely affected

individuals who refuse treatment and who inflict abuse chronically and covertly

are a real danger to their own kids! Again, in my opinion.

>

> Here's the link to the whole article:

>

> http://www.vachss.com/av_dispatches/disp_9408_a.html

>

> -Annie

>

[Guest guest]

I haven't been on the board for awhile, so many things going on. Our grandson

needed surgery on his spinal cord, our daughter is dealing with another high

risk pregnancy, I've been sick, my MIL died (she was another mean person whose

only goal in life was to keep telling my husband how rotten he is) and of course

been dealing with my nada.

I've been coping OK, keeping my boundaries up with her. If she wants to pout,

have a good time. If she wants to bad mouth me to others, go ahead. I know who I

am. But she still catches me off guard at times.

She's been very sick for the past month, rectal bleeding. The doctors wouldn't

take her seriously (duh, after all her lies and false alarms). She finally had

to go in for a colonoscopy yesterday. My hubby and I have been helping her as

she got weaker and crankier. Went over before dawn, helped her get dressed and

get to the hospital. I did all the usual elderly care things for her like

dressing and undressing her, holding her up, helping her go to the bathroom.

Most of that was due to the meds they gave her for the test. Took her home, I

ran errands for her while she slept. A very long 10 hour day.

This morning I called her to see if she was feeling better after a good night

sleep. Snap! She abruptly tells me she's fine, she has a lot to get done, she

doesn't want anyone coming over for a few days. OK. fine with me except I have

to stop by and get my library books that I accidentally left there. She allowed

that much.

Years ago I would go into the guilt mode, wonder what I had done, get physically

sick. Now I am surprised (stupid me) but then get angry and figure, " Go for it,

live your miserable life alone. "

So she's still playing her games at age 83, trying to jerk my strings, control

me. But I just don't want to play any more. And yes, it took a lot of tears and

hard work to avoid treating my kids like this. My husband was my greatest

mentor, gently pointing out things when I was acting like a jerk.

I'm anxious to read the rest of the article. Thank you.

>

>

> But emotional abuse is unique because it is designed to make the victim feel

guilty. Emotional abuse is repetitive and eventually cumulative behavior—very

easy to imitate—and some victims later perpetuate the cycle with their own

children. Although most victims courageously reject that response, their lives

often are marked by a deep, pervasive sadness, a severely damaged self-concept

and an inability to truly engage and bond with others.... "