Guest guest Posted February 19, 2012 Report Share Posted February 19, 2012 Hi everyone. I have posted before under psychdoc000. I changed my user name and email for paranoid reasons (insert embarrassed face here). I am having a really tough time with my nada at the moment. She has been on a binge attack on me since November. First she cut me off because I went to visit my father's family for Thanksgiving (we live on the West Coast and my family is on the East Coast- my father's brother is the only family we have out here). Then she was livid about a certain amount of money my father gave me to use for my wedding or a down payment on a house. We decided to use it for the wedding and honeymoon. She already has refused to be involved in the wedding and is now attacking me about my selfishness and nerve for using the money for the honeymoon too. She has been sending me the most hateful text messages for months...ive been called selfish and nervy...she has blamed me for the problems in the family and in her marriage (currently I am responsible for the fact that she may get a divorce and if that happens she will " literally despise me " ). I have been trying to use the techniques I am learning from this website as well as from " stop walking on eggshells " but she keeps telling me to stop using my psychology shit on her (I'm a psychologist). I am struggling with keeping my sense of reality and with setting my boundaries. I am also struggling because she still helps me out financially a little bit (I'm in a postdoc so I make a stipend not a full salary which makes it hard to make ends meet sometimes). She uses that on me a lot- cutting me off financially, blaming me for the family's money troubles etc. If anyone can relate or has advice or anything I would greatly appreciate it. I am really struggling. Thanks so much for listening. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 19, 2012 Report Share Posted February 19, 2012 Hi, You have a very typical problem. The toxic person gives money and abuses. If you can don't take her money and her abuse. Or take her money and don't take her abuse. It's up to you whether you allow her to abuse you. Sorry you have this type of mother. Good luck. > ** > > > Hi everyone. I have posted before under psychdoc000. I changed my user > name and email for paranoid reasons (insert embarrassed face here). I am > having a really tough time with my nada at the moment. She has been on a > binge attack on me since November. First she cut me off because I went to > visit my father's family for Thanksgiving (we live on the West Coast and my > family is on the East Coast- my father's brother is the only family we have > out here). Then she was livid about a certain amount of money my father > gave me to use for my wedding or a down payment on a house. We decided to > use it for the wedding and honeymoon. She already has refused to be > involved in the wedding and is now attacking me about my selfishness and > nerve for using the money for the honeymoon too. She has been sending me > the most hateful text messages for months...ive been called selfish and > nervy...she has blamed me for the problems in the family and in her > marriage (currently I am responsible for the fact that she may get a > divorce and if that happens she will " literally despise me " ). I have been > trying to use the techniques I am learning from this website as well as > from " stop walking on eggshells " but she keeps telling me to stop using my > psychology shit on her (I'm a psychologist). I am struggling with keeping > my sense of reality and with setting my boundaries. I am also struggling > because she still helps me out financially a little bit (I'm in a postdoc > so I make a stipend not a full salary which makes it hard to make ends meet > sometimes). She uses that on me a lot- cutting me off financially, blaming > me for the family's money troubles etc. If anyone can relate or has advice > or anything I would greatly appreciate it. I am really struggling. Thanks > so much for listening. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 19, 2012 Report Share Posted February 19, 2012 You mentioned a possible solution in your post, that occurred to me. It may not resonate with you, but, its simply one option that I'll toss into the ring for you to consider: You could choose to use all or part of the money given you by your dad to supplement your stipend, instead of using it for the wedding and honeymoon. That way, you could cut all financial ties with your nada and effectively take away that particular source of her power over you and the guilt you (probably) feel for accepting money from her. Once you get to a place where you literally do not need anything at all from your demanding, controlling, abusive nada: once you can be totally and completely financially independent, its easier to become emotionally independent. For probably many reasons that have to do with a lifetime's worth of brainwashing and conditioning, you are accepting the whole idea that your mother has the right to speak to you abusively, accuse you of things you didn't do, blame you, and punish you. The truth is that she does NOT have the right to treat you abusively, and you do not have to just knuckle under and tolerate it. You have both the right and the power to just calmly and politely say, " Mom, I can hear that you are upset, but I won't listen to you when you scream at me / call me names / blame me for things I didn't do or say / cry hysterically / say ugly things about my fiancé, etc. We can talk about this some other time when you are calmer. I'm hanging up now; we'll talk again later. Bye. " Its as simple as that, and as incredibly difficult as that. Its all about you taking control of the relationship, as though your mother is a tantruming, head-banging two-year-old, because that's what she really is. She just looks like an adult. And yes, that will be a huge step, a complete reversal of your mind-set, a shake-up of your universe. But it can be done, but the first step is that you have to at least partially detach from nada emotionally, recognize and accept that you are not responsible for her feelings, and decide that its not OK for her to treat you or your husband-to-be badly any longer. When nada misbehaves and says ugly, hateful, untrue, abusive things, she gets a " time out " in the corner. When nada behaves nicely, she gets some time and attention from you. Its sad that we have to " manage " our nadas instead of just having a normal, loving, equally respectful relationship with them, but, that IS our reality: normal ain't possible. -Annie > > Hi everyone. I have posted before under psychdoc000. I changed my user name and email for paranoid reasons (insert embarrassed face here). I am having a really tough time with my nada at the moment. She has been on a binge attack on me since November. First she cut me off because I went to visit my father's family for Thanksgiving (we live on the West Coast and my family is on the East Coast- my father's brother is the only family we have out here). Then she was livid about a certain amount of money my father gave me to use for my wedding or a down payment on a house. We decided to use it for the wedding and honeymoon. She already has refused to be involved in the wedding and is now attacking me about my selfishness and nerve for using the money for the honeymoon too. She has been sending me the most hateful text messages for months...ive been called selfish and nervy...she has blamed me for the problems in the family and in her marriage (currently I am responsible for the fact that she may get a divorce and if that happens she will " literally despise me " ). I have been trying to use the techniques I am learning from this website as well as from " stop walking on eggshells " but she keeps telling me to stop using my psychology shit on her (I'm a psychologist). I am struggling with keeping my sense of reality and with setting my boundaries. I am also struggling because she still helps me out financially a little bit (I'm in a postdoc so I make a stipend not a full salary which makes it hard to make ends meet sometimes). She uses that on me a lot- cutting me off financially, blaming me for the family's money troubles etc. If anyone can relate or has advice or anything I would greatly appreciate it. I am really struggling. Thanks so much for listening. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 20, 2012 Report Share Posted February 20, 2012 Annie has a wonderful solution for you. Unfortunately unlike normal parents, money has strings. It took me a long time to accept help from my inlaws, but I would NEVER dream in a million years to take money from my own mother or father. I'd be their puppet. Is there a way you can make do without? > > Hi everyone. I have posted before under psychdoc000. I changed my user name and email for paranoid reasons (insert embarrassed face here). I am having a really tough time with my nada at the moment. She has been on a binge attack on me since November. First she cut me off because I went to visit my father's family for Thanksgiving (we live on the West Coast and my family is on the East Coast- my father's brother is the only family we have out here). Then she was livid about a certain amount of money my father gave me to use for my wedding or a down payment on a house. We decided to use it for the wedding and honeymoon. She already has refused to be involved in the wedding and is now attacking me about my selfishness and nerve for using the money for the honeymoon too. She has been sending me the most hateful text messages for months...ive been called selfish and nervy...she has blamed me for the problems in the family and in her marriage (currently I am responsible for the fact that she may get a divorce and if that happens she will " literally despise me " ). I have been trying to use the techniques I am learning from this website as well as from " stop walking on eggshells " but she keeps telling me to stop using my psychology shit on her (I'm a psychologist). I am struggling with keeping my sense of reality and with setting my boundaries. I am also struggling because she still helps me out financially a little bit (I'm in a postdoc so I make a stipend not a full salary which makes it hard to make ends meet sometimes). She uses that on me a lot- cutting me off financially, blaming me for the family's money troubles etc. If anyone can relate or has advice or anything I would greatly appreciate it. I am really struggling. Thanks so much for listening. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 20, 2012 Report Share Posted February 20, 2012 Annie is absolutely right. When you no longer rely on your mother for anything, it will become an easier situation for you to manage. I speak from the experience of my father (NPD) stealing an extremely lucrative business I set him up with more than 20 years ago. My parents (mom is BPD) were living hand to mouth and I gave them the idea for the business with the understanding that it would be mine when they chose to retire. I never got a penny from the business, I was just happy that he and mother wouldn't be living in the gutter any longer. Never did I dream I'd need a legal contract with my own parents. Dad is 73 now, mom 75, both are in extremely poor health and actually multi-millionaires (thanks only to my idea) while my husband and I struggle to make ends meet. My children are getting ready to go to college and I have mentioned they could finally turn the business over to me so they can enjoy some of their time, while allowing me to help my kids with school funding. This idea incensed them, they called me greedy and say I've " ruined their lives. " They seem to think my brother somehow deserves the business because he is " more loyal " to them. The business has been used as a carrot to manipulate my brother (also NPD) and me, pitting us against one another for decades. It finally occurred to me that they will never relinquish the business as long as they are alive and even though it is a huge financial burden for my husband and me (we'd planned on the business being our nest egg and the kids' college tuition) it isn't worth being his puppet for the remainder of their days. While my financial situation seems dire at the moment, and I am angry for the situation my parents have burdened my children with, the emotional liberation that came with turning my back on my parents and MY business is worth the financial uncertainty. I am finally free of the ties that bound me to their cruelty for so long and everyone who knows me can tell a marked difference in my personality. I am no longer a ball of angst and tension, I am genuinely happy like I've never known myself before. I have laughed more since walking away from my parents 6 months ago than I did in the first 47 years of my life combined. I wish I would have done this years ago. My advice would be no matter what you need to do to make it happen, do not rely on your mother for ANYTHING. You have no idea how happy you will be when you are free of any tie that binds you to your mother. > > > > Hi everyone. I have posted before under psychdoc000. I changed my user name and email for paranoid reasons (insert embarrassed face here). I am having a really tough time with my nada at the moment. She has been on a binge attack on me since November. First she cut me off because I went to visit my father's family for Thanksgiving (we live on the West Coast and my family is on the East Coast- my father's brother is the only family we have out here). Then she was livid about a certain amount of money my father gave me to use for my wedding or a down payment on a house. We decided to use it for the wedding and honeymoon. She already has refused to be involved in the wedding and is now attacking me about my selfishness and nerve for using the money for the honeymoon too. She has been sending me the most hateful text messages for months...ive been called selfish and nervy...she has blamed me for the problems in the family and in her marriage (currently I am responsible for the fact that she may get a divorce and if that happens she will " literally despise me " ). I have been trying to use the techniques I am learning from this website as well as from " stop walking on eggshells " but she keeps telling me to stop using my psychology shit on her (I'm a psychologist). I am struggling with keeping my sense of reality and with setting my boundaries. I am also struggling because she still helps me out financially a little bit (I'm in a postdoc so I make a stipend not a full salary which makes it hard to make ends meet sometimes). She uses that on me a lot- cutting me off financially, blaming me for the family's money troubles etc. If anyone can relate or has advice or anything I would greatly appreciate it. I am really struggling. Thanks so much for listening. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 20, 2012 Report Share Posted February 20, 2012 Thank you all for your advice and experience. I spent the weekend mulling over my budget to see how I can get out from under her emotional and financial abuse. She gave me an " April 1st " deadline before she cuts me off but of course when I wrote her to get logistics ( " would you mind contacting the phone company to let me know exactly how much my phone contributes to the family phone plan each month. " )She wrote back and said, just forget it...i don't want to talk about this again. Regardless, I plan on moving forward with your collective suggestions. I have two things coming up in the near future that should make this possible for me. I planned to start a second job (part-time) with my fiance's company and am just waiting for them to give me the go-ahead. Also, I am in the process of applying for full time jobs which will enable me to move from a stipend " trainee " salary to a full salary. In the mean time, I'm contemplating selling jewelry!!! There is a sense of elation that comes with now being under the financial control of my mother any more although I know she will continue to hold the wedding money (which was a gift from my father a few years ago)over my head for the rest of my life which is a pain. I almost wish I didn't except that either even though I know it came from a place of kindness and love on my father's behavior (non-PD).I am so sick of the phone calls and cruel texts from my nada and sister (also BPD) berating me for being selfish about money and everything else under the sun. Especially when my BPD sister continues to take money from my family as do my two other siblings. I've been singled out as the bad guy. I keep wishing this cycle would stop although I know the only way to do that (well, at least temporarily) is to go back to being their sponge. My therapist and I talk about it like I am now an amoeba with no shape/boundaries where as before I had the boundaries that my nada and sister set up for me to fit their needs. I'm not trying to figure out what my boundaries are which is a lot harder than I thought. I got one though: I deserve not to be abused!!! > > > > Hi everyone. I have posted before under psychdoc000. I changed my user name and email for paranoid reasons (insert embarrassed face here). I am having a really tough time with my nada at the moment. She has been on a binge attack on me since November. First she cut me off because I went to visit my father's family for Thanksgiving (we live on the West Coast and my family is on the East Coast- my father's brother is the only family we have out here). Then she was livid about a certain amount of money my father gave me to use for my wedding or a down payment on a house. We decided to use it for the wedding and honeymoon. She already has refused to be involved in the wedding and is now attacking me about my selfishness and nerve for using the money for the honeymoon too. She has been sending me the most hateful text messages for months...ive been called selfish and nervy...she has blamed me for the problems in the family and in her marriage (currently I am responsible for the fact that she may get a divorce and if that happens she will " literally despise me " ). I have been trying to use the techniques I am learning from this website as well as from " stop walking on eggshells " but she keeps telling me to stop using my psychology shit on her (I'm a psychologist). I am struggling with keeping my sense of reality and with setting my boundaries. I am also struggling because she still helps me out financially a little bit (I'm in a postdoc so I make a stipend not a full salary which makes it hard to make ends meet sometimes). She uses that on me a lot- cutting me off financially, blaming me for the family's money troubles etc. If anyone can relate or has advice or anything I would greatly appreciate it. I am really struggling. Thanks so much for listening. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 21, 2012 Report Share Posted February 21, 2012 Thats right. Setting boundaries with them is nigh on impossible isn't it, they mold us into who they want us to be, and really dislike it when we start to assert our own personalities. I set some with my father last September concerning his abusive BPD/witch wife and he didn't like that very much (he is NPD and is tightly emmeshed with her and has no personal identity apart from her). He could not understand that I wanted to protect my children from his wonderful, loving wife...and how could I be so cruel!!!??? Because essentially limiting contact with her, also means limiting contact with him. He apparently won't travel without her. He's also used the " you will be disinherited!!!!! " line on me too. He doesn't get it. Money is nice, but healthy relationships are nicer. They obviously have no boundaries concerning your fathers gift, and see it as their property (yeah, thats about right). I'm glad that you're in a better place now and are thinking about moving forward. Sometimes, when were surrounded by them its hard to see other options. > > > > > > Hi everyone. I have posted before under psychdoc000. I changed my user name and email for paranoid reasons (insert embarrassed face here). I am having a really tough time with my nada at the moment. She has been on a binge attack on me since November. First she cut me off because I went to visit my father's family for Thanksgiving (we live on the West Coast and my family is on the East Coast- my father's brother is the only family we have out here). Then she was livid about a certain amount of money my father gave me to use for my wedding or a down payment on a house. We decided to use it for the wedding and honeymoon. She already has refused to be involved in the wedding and is now attacking me about my selfishness and nerve for using the money for the honeymoon too. She has been sending me the most hateful text messages for months...ive been called selfish and nervy...she has blamed me for the problems in the family and in her marriage (currently I am responsible for the fact that she may get a divorce and if that happens she will " literally despise me " ). I have been trying to use the techniques I am learning from this website as well as from " stop walking on eggshells " but she keeps telling me to stop using my psychology shit on her (I'm a psychologist). I am struggling with keeping my sense of reality and with setting my boundaries. I am also struggling because she still helps me out financially a little bit (I'm in a postdoc so I make a stipend not a full salary which makes it hard to make ends meet sometimes). She uses that on me a lot- cutting me off financially, blaming me for the family's money troubles etc. If anyone can relate or has advice or anything I would greatly appreciate it. I am really struggling. Thanks so much for listening. > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 21, 2012 Report Share Posted February 21, 2012 Hi Tucket Firstly good morning!!! Wow, reading your post through so many of your nada's poor behaviors are exactly like mine! My nada tells me she is a millionaire on paper and uses her wealth as a way to manipulate and belittle. I too was given the house or honeymoon card at age 19. I chose the house or should I say the noose around my neck; 19 with a mortgage and working x 2 jobs to keep a float was awful! Once I married and my hubby and I moved on and rented my home nada reared her ugly head!!! It's all conditional and I got tired of her insults and control and hearing " if it wasn't for your father and I you wouldn't be in the financial position you are today " blah blah blah!!! I finally shut her up by selling the house and reinvesting elsewhere! Nada was soooo angry and that I had cut one of her puppet strings!!! That was some 10 years ago and whenever she tries to bring it up I cut her off. Oh yes I'm written out if the inheritance too, my enmeshed sister gets it all. At first I was really hurt but I see it as a blessing! I don't want all her stuff and even better I don't need her stuff. I'm independent and control my own life not her. So I guess what I'm trying to show you is that a = I completely empathize with your situation and b= encourage you as you work hard to gain financial independence. It's tough but you can do it. Visualize yourself free off those puppet strings and able to set boundaries without gulping with anguish as you brace yourself for the consequences. Stay strong and keep pushing forward!!! A better day is just around the corner. Best to you Mel x > > > > > > > > Hi everyone. I have posted before under psychdoc000. I changed my user name and email for paranoid reasons (insert embarrassed face here). I am having a really tough time with my nada at the moment. She has been on a binge attack on me since November. First she cut me off because I went to visit my father's family for Thanksgiving (we live on the West Coast and my family is on the East Coast- my father's brother is the only family we have out here). Then she was livid about a certain amount of money my father gave me to use for my wedding or a down payment on a house. We decided to use it for the wedding and honeymoon. She already has refused to be involved in the wedding and is now attacking me about my selfishness and nerve for using the money for the honeymoon too. She has been sending me the most hateful text messages for months...ive been called selfish and nervy...she has blamed me for the problems in the family and in her marriage (currently I am responsible for the fact that she may get a divorce and if that happens she will " literally despise me " ). I have been trying to use the techniques I am learning from this website as well as from " stop walking on eggshells " but she keeps telling me to stop using my psychology shit on her (I'm a psychologist). I am struggling with keeping my sense of reality and with setting my boundaries. I am also struggling because she still helps me out financially a little bit (I'm in a postdoc so I make a stipend not a full salary which makes it hard to make ends meet sometimes). She uses that on me a lot- cutting me off financially, blaming me for the family's money troubles etc. If anyone can relate or has advice or anything I would greatly appreciate it. I am really struggling. Thanks so much for listening. > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 21, 2012 Report Share Posted February 21, 2012 everyone's probably getting sick of hearing this, but wow sounds like my nada. During my legal separation, waiting for my divorce she helped (by putting the house in her name my ex couldn't touch it). but now that the divorce is done and I've been on my own she won't let me buy it, its her trump card. And now that after 2 years I'm invovled with someone she refuses to sell it to me because she doesn't want him living there but when I talk about her needing to put it up for sale because then we'll move to a different place I get " if it weren't for me you'd be sleeping in a gutter " . But my SO is adamant, either the house goes in our name or we're out. ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Tuesday, February 21, 2012 8:24 AM Subject: Re: Tired of being attacked  Hi Tucket Firstly good morning!!! Wow, reading your post through so many of your nada's poor behaviors are exactly like mine! My nada tells me she is a millionaire on paper and uses her wealth as a way to manipulate and belittle. I too was given the house or honeymoon card at age 19. I chose the house or should I say the noose around my neck; 19 with a mortgage and working x 2 jobs to keep a float was awful! Once I married and my hubby and I moved on and rented my home nada reared her ugly head!!! It's all conditional and I got tired of her insults and control and hearing " if it wasn't for your father and I you wouldn't be in the financial position you are today " blah blah blah!!! I finally shut her up by selling the house and reinvesting elsewhere! Nada was soooo angry and that I had cut one of her puppet strings!!! That was some 10 years ago and whenever she tries to bring it up I cut her off. Oh yes I'm written out if the inheritance too, my enmeshed sister gets it all. At first I was really hurt but I see it as a blessing! I don't want all her stuff and even better I don't need her stuff. I'm independent and control my own life not her. So I guess what I'm trying to show you is that a = I completely empathize with your situation and b= encourage you as you work hard to gain financial independence. It's tough but you can do it. Visualize yourself free off those puppet strings and able to set boundaries without gulping with anguish as you brace yourself for the consequences. Stay strong and keep pushing forward!!! A better day is just around the corner. Best to you Mel x > > > > > > > > Hi everyone. I have posted before under psychdoc000. I changed my user name and email for paranoid reasons (insert embarrassed face here). I am having a really tough time with my nada at the moment. She has been on a binge attack on me since November. First she cut me off because I went to visit my father's family for Thanksgiving (we live on the West Coast and my family is on the East Coast- my father's brother is the only family we have out here). Then she was livid about a certain amount of money my father gave me to use for my wedding or a down payment on a house. We decided to use it for the wedding and honeymoon. She already has refused to be involved in the wedding and is now attacking me about my selfishness and nerve for using the money for the honeymoon too. She has been sending me the most hateful text messages for months...ive been called selfish and nervy...she has blamed me for the problems in the family and in her marriage (currently I am responsible for the fact that she may get a divorce and if that happens she will " literally despise me " ). I have been trying to use the techniques I am learning from this website as well as from " stop walking on eggshells " but she keeps telling me to stop using my psychology shit on her (I'm a psychologist). I am struggling with keeping my sense of reality and with setting my boundaries. I am also struggling because she still helps me out financially a little bit (I'm in a postdoc so I make a stipend not a full salary which makes it hard to make ends meet sometimes). She uses that on me a lot- cutting me off financially, blaming me for the family's money troubles etc. If anyone can relate or has advice or anything I would greatly appreciate it. I am really struggling. Thanks so much for listening. > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 21, 2012 Report Share Posted February 21, 2012 Hi I never get sick of hearing " just like my nada " , it makes me realize that she is not a unique pain in the butt but a mentally ill person part of a huge group! It's my therapy :-) On that note I just have to share that my nada paid off my sister's ex husband so he would go away and let nada and my sister be enmeshed again! To this day my nada reminds her of that fact and then tells her " well he was actually alright you were just selfish and immature, look at you now pathetic at 42 and nobody is going to want you " . The whole reason they divorced is that nada got her nasty fingers into the mix! I think my sister is SLOWLY starting to see that she made a mistake and faces a life alone unless she puts some boundaries around herself! I don't blame you for setting a boundary reference your house situation. Being a slave to nada's emotions is poisonous!!! Stay strong. In fact doing something completely autonomous from anything nada has had input on is great!! There's no ro for her to make comment at all! Of course she will continue to judge you negatively but at least you have self control again. Good luck to you!' Mel x > > > > > > > > > > Hi everyone. I have posted before under psychdoc000. I changed my user name and email for paranoid reasons (insert embarrassed face here). I am having a really tough time with my nada at the moment. She has been on a binge attack on me since November. First she cut me off because I went to visit my father's family for Thanksgiving (we live on the West Coast and my family is on the East Coast- my father's brother is the only family we have out here). Then she was livid about a certain amount of money my father gave me to use for my wedding or a down payment on a house. We decided to use it for the wedding and honeymoon. She already has refused to be involved in the wedding and is now attacking me about my selfishness and nerve for using the money for the honeymoon too. She has been sending me the most hateful text messages for months...ive been called selfish and nervy...she has blamed me for the problems in the family and in her marriage > (currently I am responsible for the fact that she may get a divorce and if that happens she will " literally despise me " ). I have been trying to use the techniques I am learning from this website as well as from " stop walking on eggshells " but she keeps telling me to stop using my psychology shit on her (I'm a psychologist). I am struggling with keeping my sense of reality and with setting my boundaries. I am also struggling because she still helps me out financially a little bit (I'm in a postdoc so I make a stipend not a full salary which makes it hard to make ends meet sometimes). She uses that on me a lot- cutting me off financially, blaming me for the family's money troubles etc. If anyone can relate or has advice or anything I would greatly appreciate it. I am really struggling. Thanks so much for listening. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 21, 2012 Report Share Posted February 21, 2012 and again, I see myself. At first when he served me she was there for me, I was really surprised I didn't hear " I told you so " but boy do I hear it now, she's said some really unnice things in front of my son. ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Tuesday, February 21, 2012 9:10 AM Subject: Re: Tired of being attacked  Hi I never get sick of hearing " just like my nada " , it makes me realize that she is not a unique pain in the butt but a mentally ill person part of a huge group! It's my therapy :-) On that note I just have to share that my nada paid off my sister's ex husband so he would go away and let nada and my sister be enmeshed again! To this day my nada reminds her of that fact and then tells her " well he was actually alright you were just selfish and immature, look at you now pathetic at 42 and nobody is going to want you " . The whole reason they divorced is that nada got her nasty fingers into the mix! I think my sister is SLOWLY starting to see that she made a mistake and faces a life alone unless she puts some boundaries around herself! I don't blame you for setting a boundary reference your house situation. Being a slave to nada's emotions is poisonous!!! Stay strong. In fact doing something completely autonomous from anything nada has had input on is great!! There's no ro for her to make comment at all! Of course she will continue to judge you negatively but at least you have self control again. Good luck to you!' Mel x > > > > > > > > > > Hi everyone. I have posted before under psychdoc000. I changed my user name and email for paranoid reasons (insert embarrassed face here). I am having a really tough time with my nada at the moment. She has been on a binge attack on me since November. First she cut me off because I went to visit my father's family for Thanksgiving (we live on the West Coast and my family is on the East Coast- my father's brother is the only family we have out here). Then she was livid about a certain amount of money my father gave me to use for my wedding or a down payment on a house. We decided to use it for the wedding and honeymoon. She already has refused to be involved in the wedding and is now attacking me about my selfishness and nerve for using the money for the honeymoon too. She has been sending me the most hateful text messages for months...ive been called selfish and nervy...she has blamed me for the problems in the family and in her marriage > (currently I am responsible for the fact that she may get a divorce and if that happens she will " literally despise me " ). I have been trying to use the techniques I am learning from this website as well as from " stop walking on eggshells " but she keeps telling me to stop using my psychology shit on her (I'm a psychologist). I am struggling with keeping my sense of reality and with setting my boundaries. I am also struggling because she still helps me out financially a little bit (I'm in a postdoc so I make a stipend not a full salary which makes it hard to make ends meet sometimes). She uses that on me a lot- cutting me off financially, blaming me for the family's money troubles etc. If anyone can relate or has advice or anything I would greatly appreciate it. I am really struggling. Thanks so much for listening. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 21, 2012 Report Share Posted February 21, 2012 Its very, very hurtful for children, especially a little boy, to hear another adult denigrate his father to him. I have that from my father's lips, and from my nephew's: it devastates a little boy, crushes his heart, to hear other adults talking dirt about his dad, even if his dad IS a dirtbag. To your little boy, its like hearing his grandmother call HIM those ugly names, say hateful things about himself; his father is half of himself at this point in his little life. He identifies with his father, more than you know. So, its OK to interrupt your " mother " the moment that she starts saying mean, nasty things about your boy's dad in front of him and say very firmly but politely something like, " Mother! I need to speak to you in the next room. Now. " And then lay it on the line: " Do NOT say ugly, mean things about his father within earshot of my child, do you understand me? Its NOT OK to do that. If you ever do that again, my son and I are leaving immediately. The visit will be over. Its your choice. I hope I have made myself perfectly clear. " No arguing, no explaining, no defending. You just state the boundary clearly, and give the consequence immediately if and when its violated. My nada was about as trainable as a cat, but she did finally comply with my Sister's rule when Sister made it very clear in a dramatic way that there would be very unpleasant consequences for nada if nada didn't respect Sister's parenting decisions, and didn't stop attempting to undermine Sister's parental authority. Its all about taking the upper hand, taking control of the relationship with a bpd mother. Its like, nada has spent the first 20 years of our lives castrating us, making us feel like powerless, crippled children just so that she can maintain that total domineering control over us. So it takes a huge, a monumental change in our very core thinking to realize that " ...Hey... I'm an adult now. I actually hold all the cards now; my nada has no real power over me any longer. I'm just afraid of her anger, I'm afraid of her *feelings.* And I don't have to be afraid of her feelings anymore. " So, I hope that will help you. I hope your inner Mother Bear will rise up on her hind legs and ROAR at nada (metaphorically) whenever she says or does ANYTHING that hurts your child. -Annie > > > > > > > > > > > > Hi everyone. I have posted before under psychdoc000. I changed my user name and email for paranoid reasons (insert embarrassed face here). I am having a really tough time with my nada at the moment. She has been on a binge attack on me since November. First she cut me off because I went to visit my father's family for Thanksgiving (we live on the West Coast and my family is on the East Coast- my father's brother is the only family we have out here). Then she was livid about a certain amount of money my father gave me to use for my wedding or a down payment on a house. We decided to use it for the wedding and honeymoon. She already has refused to be involved in the wedding and is now attacking me about my selfishness and nerve for using the money for the honeymoon too. She has been sending me the most hateful text messages for months...ive been called selfish and nervy...she has blamed me for the problems in the family and in her marriage > > (currently I am responsible for the fact that she may get a divorce and if that happens she will " literally despise me " ). I have been trying to use the techniques I am learning from this website as well as from " stop walking on eggshells " but she keeps telling me to stop using my psychology shit on her (I'm a psychologist). I am struggling with keeping my sense of reality and with setting my boundaries. I am also struggling because she still helps me out financially a little bit (I'm in a postdoc so I make a stipend not a full salary which makes it hard to make ends meet sometimes). She uses that on me a lot- cutting me off financially, blaming me for the family's money troubles etc. If anyone can relate or has advice or anything I would greatly appreciate it. I am really struggling. Thanks so much for listening. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 21, 2012 Report Share Posted February 21, 2012 actually she was saying it about me in front of my son, that my ex wasn't to blame for the divorce (although hes the one who served me) and that it was my behavior and the fact that I was now dating again after a year and half that made me a whore. ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Tuesday, February 21, 2012 10:10 AM Subject: Re: Tired of being attacked  Its very, very hurtful for children, especially a little boy, to hear another adult denigrate his father to him. I have that from my father's lips, and from my nephew's: it devastates a little boy, crushes his heart, to hear other adults talking dirt about his dad, even if his dad IS a dirtbag. To your little boy, its like hearing his grandmother call HIM those ugly names, say hateful things about himself; his father is half of himself at this point in his little life. He identifies with his father, more than you know. So, its OK to interrupt your " mother " the moment that she starts saying mean, nasty things about your boy's dad in front of him and say very firmly but politely something like, " Mother! I need to speak to you in the next room. Now. " And then lay it on the line: " Do NOT say ugly, mean things about his father within earshot of my child, do you understand me? Its NOT OK to do that. If you ever do that again, my son and I are leaving immediately. The visit will be over. Its your choice. I hope I have made myself perfectly clear. " No arguing, no explaining, no defending. You just state the boundary clearly, and give the consequence immediately if and when its violated. My nada was about as trainable as a cat, but she did finally comply with my Sister's rule when Sister made it very clear in a dramatic way that there would be very unpleasant consequences for nada if nada didn't respect Sister's parenting decisions, and didn't stop attempting to undermine Sister's parental authority. Its all about taking the upper hand, taking control of the relationship with a bpd mother. Its like, nada has spent the first 20 years of our lives castrating us, making us feel like powerless, crippled children just so that she can maintain that total domineering control over us. So it takes a huge, a monumental change in our very core thinking to realize that " ...Hey... I'm an adult now. I actually hold all the cards now; my nada has no real power over me any longer. I'm just afraid of her anger, I'm afraid of her *feelings.* And I don't have to be afraid of her feelings anymore. " So, I hope that will help you. I hope your inner Mother Bear will rise up on her hind legs and ROAR at nada (metaphorically) whenever she says or does ANYTHING that hurts your child. -Annie > > > > > > > > > > > > Hi everyone. I have posted before under psychdoc000. I changed my user name and email for paranoid reasons (insert embarrassed face here). I am having a really tough time with my nada at the moment. She has been on a binge attack on me since November. First she cut me off because I went to visit my father's family for Thanksgiving (we live on the West Coast and my family is on the East Coast- my father's brother is the only family we have out here). Then she was livid about a certain amount of money my father gave me to use for my wedding or a down payment on a house. We decided to use it for the wedding and honeymoon. She already has refused to be involved in the wedding and is now attacking me about my selfishness and nerve for using the money for the honeymoon too. She has been sending me the most hateful text messages for months...ive been called selfish and nervy...she has blamed me for the problems in the family and in her marriage > > (currently I am responsible for the fact that she may get a divorce and if that happens she will " literally despise me " ). I have been trying to use the techniques I am learning from this website as well as from " stop walking on eggshells " but she keeps telling me to stop using my psychology shit on her (I'm a psychologist). I am struggling with keeping my sense of reality and with setting my boundaries. I am also struggling because she still helps me out financially a little bit (I'm in a postdoc so I make a stipend not a full salary which makes it hard to make ends meet sometimes). She uses that on me a lot- cutting me off financially, blaming me for the family's money troubles etc. If anyone can relate or has advice or anything I would greatly appreciate it. I am really struggling. Thanks so much for listening. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 21, 2012 Report Share Posted February 21, 2012 Then my answer is the same. Its NOT OK for your mother to denigrate you like that and undermine you as a parent and a human being in front of your child. It will make your child lose respect for you. Losing respect for you, his mother, will hurt your child: you are half of your child's self-identity at this point, also. I hope you will take the upper hand and set some firm boundaries with your nada; she doesn't have the right to disrespect you in front of your child, or in private, for that matter. If you let her do that to you, then its like you are agreeing with her that you deserve to be disrespected, and you DON'T deserve that! -Annie > > actually she was saying it about me in front of my son, that my ex wasn't to blame for the divorce (although hes the one who served me) and that it was my behavior and the fact that I was now dating again after a year and half that made me a whore. > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 21, 2012 Report Share Posted February 21, 2012 Its so interesting to hear all these similarities between our nadas. Many of the issues that seem to ignite their anger are issues surrounding our independence (read: unenmeshment from nada). I was just reading about this in " stop walking on eggshells this morning " and was remembering EVERYTHING I have done in the past 30 years to be everything my nada needed me to be. (e.g., yelling at my dad at the age of 5 to try to get him to treat her better; always beeing " good " , obedient, perfect, etc; not complaining when she swept us away in the middle of the night because " mommy and daddy are getting a divorce " ; pretending everything is fine the day after she said " i'm not your mother anymore " just to help keep her mood on the up swing...). It makes me sad to think that the option is to either give our nadas everything they want (knowing we can never fulfill the black hole they need filled)or suffer through their wrath in order to be true to ourselves. I'm learning through all of your stories that, even though it is hard, choosing the latter is much healthier. > > > > actually she was saying it about me in front of my son, that my ex wasn't to blame for the divorce (although hes the one who served me) and that it was my behavior and the fact that I was now dating again after a year and half that made me a whore. > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 21, 2012 Report Share Posted February 21, 2012 Oh that is awful not only for you but your son to witness too! You have to take the focus off of nada and look at the destruction its causing you and your son. It's irreversible damage and completely has the power to devestate your relationship with your son. I know! I truly know its easier said than done to set limits and respond in an adult manner minus anger! What has really helped me is to put my children's emotional well being ahead of nada's. I struggle with my own demons and putting me first but protecting my children is my focus. They're such innocent, loving creatures and I refuse to give my nada the power to sabotage and abuse them the way she has me over the years! I found going limited contact a blessing. It has given me an opportunity to educate myself about BPD without the drama and realize how I have survived in the past and how I can have a complete happy fulfilling life with my immediate family by taking control back. I see mu nada as a naughty 4 year old in a 65 year old body; shes pathetic really! I must admit everyday I have learn something new about BPD, myself and how I can protect myself from her crazy world. I take it one step, one day at a time. That's all I can do! I hope you can find the same not only for you but your son too. You're both so deserving of better. Hugs Mel x > > > > actually she was saying it about me in front of my son, that my ex wasn't to blame for the divorce (although hes the one who served me) and that it was my behavior and the fact that I was now dating again after a year and half that made me a whore. > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 21, 2012 Report Share Posted February 21, 2012 Thanks all.  I have set limits, basically when she's not behaving she doesn't get to see my son or I. And although there was rough patch last week where I wasn't happy with my SO either I told Nada point blank, stay out of it, I'm not breaking up with him over this although I am very annoyed. And he and I worked it out. When I took her shopping on Saturday she started in and I just reminded her its over and done, he and I have discussed it. It does not involve her. ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Tuesday, February 21, 2012 11:44 AM Subject: Re: Tired of being attacked  Oh that is awful not only for you but your son to witness too! You have to take the focus off of nada and look at the destruction its causing you and your son. It's irreversible damage and completely has the power to devestate your relationship with your son. I know! I truly know its easier said than done to set limits and respond in an adult manner minus anger! What has really helped me is to put my children's emotional well being ahead of nada's. I struggle with my own demons and putting me first but protecting my children is my focus. They're such innocent, loving creatures and I refuse to give my nada the power to sabotage and abuse them the way she has me over the years! I found going limited contact a blessing. It has given me an opportunity to educate myself about BPD without the drama and realize how I have survived in the past and how I can have a complete happy fulfilling life with my immediate family by taking control back. I see mu nada as a naughty 4 year old in a 65 year old body; shes pathetic really! I must admit everyday I have learn something new about BPD, myself and how I can protect myself from her crazy world. I take it one step, one day at a time. That's all I can do! I hope you can find the same not only for you but your son too. You're both so deserving of better. Hugs Mel x > > > > actually she was saying it about me in front of my son, that my ex wasn't to blame for the divorce (although hes the one who served me) and that it was my behavior and the fact that I was now dating again after a year and half that made me a whore. > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 21, 2012 Report Share Posted February 21, 2012 Hi Tucket As soon as my nada rages I get myself out of the way ASAP and my kids. If she starts on the phone I tell her I'm not prepared to continue the conversation until she can be calm and respectful! I'm learning that standing by or in the way of her wrath gives her exactly what she needs; power! Yeah it's sad that we have a nada, but not our faults. All I can do is set limits, limit contact and focus on my family. Another good book is 'surviving the Boderline Parent' it's been my savior in the past month. Hugs to you Mel > > > > > > actually she was saying it about me in front of my son, that my ex wasn't to blame for the divorce (although hes the one who served me) and that it was my behavior and the fact that I was now dating again after a year and half that made me a whore. > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 21, 2012 Report Share Posted February 21, 2012 Good for you ! That's great! Yep taking about anything like that is dangerous they just keep it in their back pocket as ammunition (it usually comes out hyped up too, not exactly what you said). I tell my children if nada isn't nice we will leave and go do something else. They're starting to see what I see because I'm not tolerating it and creating a dialogue with my girls they can understand e.g nobody has the right to call anyone names, shout or be unkind. If that happens you don't stand there, you tell them calmly that that is unacceptable and walk away " . I swear my girls are more emotionally mature at 6, 8 years old than my nada. Mel x > > > > > > actually she was saying it about me in front of my son, that my ex wasn't to blame for the divorce (although hes the one who served me) and that it was my behavior and the fact that I was now dating again after a year and half that made me a whore. > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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