Inheritence issues

[Guest guest]

I have a question for anyone who will comment:

Does anyone here have a Nada or Fada that has passed away and left a will? I'm

asking because my Fada is currently playing games with this issue, and I'm

wondering if, as he faces his own demise, will he really fail to recognize the

irrefutable fact that during his time on earth...he had a son?

I always thought that the inheritence process would be a disorderly one, in

which there would be no specific instructions, considering that the making of a

will would require him to shift his focus away from himself for more than an

hour. I was ok with this.

But after one of our most recent bouts of not speaking to one another (5 years),

we began having meals together every once in a while. During one of these, he

began commenting that he would like to teach me something about stocks, and

options trading, as he has most of his money invested, and he would like me to

be able to continue with this (if I so choose) when he passes away. I can't

believe that I partially fell for this at the time...but my desire to feel this

form of warmth and fatherly love overwhelmed me; the undeniable love that would

normally produce this moment in life when an aging parent says to his/her

children... " you know that when I'm no longer here, whatever I had in this life

will be yours, because in spite of everything...I'm your dad, and you're my

kids; and as my parents did for me, I will do for you, as you will do for your

kids " .

But it didn't take long for me to start questioning his motives, and before I

knew it I started obsessing over this new twist; Is he really throwing this out

there because he thinks it will keep me around now that his last wife left....

and he thinks I'll put up with more abuse just so I can have the illusion of

inheriting this money? What kind of a moron does he take me for? The answers I

came up with were YES, and THE KIND HE THINKS I AM.

But nothing really bad had happened to our relationship during this " summer of

love..and occasionally going out to eat together " . We were actually getting

along quite well. But this thing he put out there kept gnawing at me. We stopped

talking again eventually because he began yellin at me in front of my daughter

one night...which I cannot accept, and I literally lost it in that restaurant.

My daughter and I got up and left, her sobbing...and I haven't really spoken

with him since. He did however pay a visit to my sister, during which the

inheritence issue came up again, to the tune of " you're in, but you're brother's

out " .

So now that my suspicions were confirmed I can't help but wish the issue had

never come up. It's much worse to know that he actually did remember to make a

will, and decided to use it in this dispicable way. I also can't help but wonder

that if he has time to ponder his own death...might he just say " what the

heck...I won't be here anyway " , and put me back in " just because " I was his son?

Whatever happens, I can no longer pretend that he forgot about this, and if in

the end he goes forward with this horrible snub...he will no longer be around

for me to hate in person. And it's not about the money...it could be a deck of

baseball cards if that was all he had; it's what the money means. Man, I wish

he'd never said anything.

[Guest guest]

My folks use the inheritance to yank my strings. I told them both that I did not

want their money...it has too high a price....freedom.

Thanks,

Amy

> I have a question for anyone who will comment:

> Does anyone here have a Nada or Fada that has passed away and left a will? I'm

asking because my Fada is currently playing games with this issue, and I'm

wondering if, as he faces his own demise, will he really fail to recognize the

irrefutable fact that during his time on earth...he had a son?

> I always thought that the inheritence process would be a disorderly one, in

which there would be no specific instructions, considering that the making of a

will would require him to shift his focus away from himself for more than an

hour. I was ok with this.

> But after one of our most recent bouts of not speaking to one another (5

years), we began having meals together every once in a while. During one of

these, he began commenting that he would like to teach me something about

stocks, and options trading, as he has most of his money invested, and he would

like me to be able to continue with this (if I so choose) when he passes away. I

can't believe that I partially fell for this at the time...but my desire to feel

this form of warmth and fatherly love overwhelmed me; the undeniable love that

would normally produce this moment in life when an aging parent says to his/her

children... " you know that when I'm no longer here, whatever I had in this life

will be yours, because in spite of everything...I'm your dad, and you're my

kids; and as my parents did for me, I will do for you, as you will do for your

kids " .

> But it didn't take long for me to start questioning his motives, and before I

knew it I started obsessing over this new twist; Is he really throwing this out

there because he thinks it will keep me around now that his last wife left....

and he thinks I'll put up with more abuse just so I can have the illusion of

inheriting this money? What kind of a moron does he take me for? The answers I

came up with were YES, and THE KIND HE THINKS I AM.

> But nothing really bad had happened to our relationship during this " summer of

love..and occasionally going out to eat together " . We were actually getting

along quite well. But this thing he put out there kept gnawing at me. We stopped

talking again eventually because he began yellin at me in front of my daughter

one night...which I cannot accept, and I literally lost it in that restaurant.

My daughter and I got up and left, her sobbing...and I haven't really spoken

with him since. He did however pay a visit to my sister, during which the

inheritence issue came up again, to the tune of " you're in, but you're brother's

out " .

> So now that my suspicions were confirmed I can't help but wish the issue had

never come up. It's much worse to know that he actually did remember to make a

will, and decided to use it in this dispicable way. I also can't help but wonder

that if he has time to ponder his own death...might he just say " what the

heck...I won't be here anyway " , and put me back in " just because " I was his son?

> Whatever happens, I can no longer pretend that he forgot about this, and if in

the end he goes forward with this horrible snub...he will no longer be around

for me to hate in person. And it's not about the money...it could be a deck of

baseball cards if that was all he had; it's what the money means. Man, I wish

he'd never said anything.

>

>

[Guest guest]

He's working you - a lot of them do this. My ex mother in law did it all the

time. The only way to win is not to play.

> **

>

>

> My folks use the inheritance to yank my strings. I told them both that I

> did not want their money...it has too high a price....freedom.

>

> Thanks,

> Amy

>

>

>

>

> > I have a question for anyone who will comment:r in

> > Does anyone here have a Nada or Fada that has passed away and left a

> will? I'm asking because my Fada is currently playing games with this issue,

> and I'm wondering if, as he faces his own demise, will he really fail to

> recognize the irrefutable fact that during his time on earth...he had a son?

> > I always thought that the inheritence process would be a disorderly one,

> in which there would be no specific instructions, considering that the

> making of a will would require him to shift his focus away from himself for

> more than an hour. I was ok with this.

> > But after one of our most recent bouts of not speaking to one another (5

> years), we began having meals together every once in a while. During one of

> these, he began commenting that he would like to teach me something about

> stocks, and options trading, as he has most of his money invested, and he

> would like me to be able to continue with this (if I so choose) when he

> passes away. I can't believe that I partially fell for this at the

> time...but my desire to feel this form of warmth and fatherly love

> overwhelmed me; the undeniable love that would normally produce this moment

> in life when an aging parent says to his/her children... " you know that when

> I'm no longer here, whatever I had in this life will be yours, because in

> spite of everything...I'm your dad, and you're my kids; and as my parents

> did for me, I will do for you, as you will do for your kids " .

> > But it didn't take long for me to start questioning his motives, and

> before I knew it I started obsessing over this new twist; Is he really

> throwing this out there because he thinks it will keep me around now that

> his last wife left.... and he thinks I'll put up with more abuse just so I

> can have the illusion of inheriting this money? What kind of a moron does he

> take me for? The answers I came up with were YES, and THE KIND HE THINKS I

> AM.

> > But nothing really bad had happened to our relationship during this

> " summer of love..and occasionally going out to eat together " . We were

> actually getting along quite well. But this thing he put out there kept

> gnawing at me. We stopped talking again eventually because he began yellin

> at me in front of my daughter one night...which I cannot accept, and I

> literally lost it in that restaurant. My daughter and I got up and left, her

> sobbing...and I haven't really spoken with him since. He did however pay a

> visit to my sister, during which the inheritence issue came up again, to the

> tune of " you're in, but you're brother's out " .

> > So now that my suspicions were confirmed I can't help but wish the issue

> had never come up. It's much worse to know that he actually did remember to

> make a will, and decided to use it in this dispicable way. I also can't help

> but wonder that if he has time to ponder his own death...might he just say

> " what the heck...I won't be here anyway " , and put me back in " just because "

> I was his son?

> > Whatever happens, I can no longer pretend that he forgot about this, and

> if in the end he goes forward with this horrible snub...he will no longer be

> around for me to hate in person. And it's not about the money...it could be

> a deck of baseball cards if that was all he had; it's what the money means.

> Man, I wish he'd never said anything.

> >

> >

>

>

[Guest guest]

my nada is hugely indebted.  all i want when she dies is for my name not to be

attached to any of her many creditors!

 

 

Cassie

 

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Tuesday, July 19, 2011 10:57 PM

Subject: Re: Inheritence issues

He's working you - a lot of them do this. My ex mother in law did it all the

time. The only way to win is not to play.

> **

>

>

> My folks use the inheritance to yank my strings. I told them both that I

> did not want their money...it has too high a price....freedom.

>

> Thanks,

> Amy

>

>

>

>

> > I have a question for anyone who will comment:r in

> > Does anyone here have a Nada or Fada that has passed away and left a

> will? I'm asking because my Fada is currently playing games with this issue,

> and I'm wondering if, as he faces his own demise, will he really fail to

> recognize the irrefutable fact that during his time on earth...he had a son?

> > I always thought that the inheritence process would be a disorderly one,

> in which there would be no specific instructions, considering that the

> making of a will would require him to shift his focus away from himself for

> more than an hour. I was ok with this.

> > But after one of our most recent bouts of not speaking to one another (5

> years), we began having meals together every once in a while. During one of

> these, he began commenting that he would like to teach me something about

> stocks, and options trading, as he has most of his money invested, and he

> would like me to be able to continue with this (if I so choose) when he

> passes away. I can't believe that I partially fell for this at the

> time...but my desire to feel this form of warmth and fatherly love

> overwhelmed me; the undeniable love that would normally produce this moment

> in life when an aging parent says to his/her children... " you know that when

> I'm no longer here, whatever I had in this life will be yours, because in

> spite of everything...I'm your dad, and you're my kids; and as my parents

> did for me, I will do for you, as you will do for your kids " .

> > But it didn't take long for me to start questioning his motives, and

> before I knew it I started obsessing over this new twist; Is he really

> throwing this out there because he thinks it will keep me around now that

> his last wife left.... and he thinks I'll put up with more abuse just so I

> can have the illusion of inheriting this money? What kind of a moron does he

> take me for? The answers I came up with were YES, and THE KIND HE THINKS I

> AM.

> > But nothing really bad had happened to our relationship during this

> " summer of love..and occasionally going out to eat together " . We were

> actually getting along quite well. But this thing he put out there kept

> gnawing at me. We stopped talking again eventually because he began yellin

> at me in front of my daughter one night...which I cannot accept, and I

> literally lost it in that restaurant. My daughter and I got up and left, her

> sobbing...and I haven't really spoken with him since. He did however pay a

> visit to my sister, during which the inheritence issue came up again, to the

> tune of " you're in, but you're brother's out " .

> > So now that my suspicions were confirmed I can't help but wish the issue

> had never come up. It's much worse to know that he actually did remember to

> make a will, and decided to use it in this dispicable way. I also can't help

> but wonder that if he has time to ponder his own death...might he just say

> " what the heck...I won't be here anyway " , and put me back in " just because "

> I was his son?

> > Whatever happens, I can no longer pretend that he forgot about this, and

> if in the end he goes forward with this horrible snub...he will no longer be

> around for me to hate in person. And it's not about the money...it could be

> a deck of baseball cards if that was all he had; it's what the money means.

> Man, I wish he'd never said anything.

> >

> >

>

>

[Guest guest]

Interesting.

In my case, my npd dad, who died 2 months ago- left only a 13 yr old car, and

apparently the title to said car was one of the many, many docs he shredded a

few days before his heart attack. He was in the hospital for 67 days before he

died, all during which he continually asked my brother to sell his car, but the

title couldn't be found ... turns out now there is literally no way to sell a

dead man's car without a title in CA -- his last slap in the face to my brother.

He left absolutely nothing else except clothes hanging in the closet, 2 pairs of

shoes, and a folder with a dozen or so pieces of paper: bank statements- turned

out to be for closed accounts, retirement death benefit info, social security

card.

He had gotten rid of everything else he owned, right under my nada's nose!! She

was shocked (genuinely) when she discovered what little he left. He had gone 'on

vacation " about 8 months earlier, by himself, but left with the car FULL of

stuff - apparently got rid of it all before he came back.

Nada being nada and so self-absorbed, she didn't notice until he was dead.

All his life he had said, " we come into the world with nothing, we should go out

with nothing. " and that's exactly what he did.

>

> I have a question for anyone who will comment:

> Does anyone here have a Nada or Fada that has passed away and left a will? I'm

asking because my Fada is currently playing games with this issue, and I'm

wondering if, as he faces his own demise, will he really fail to recognize the

irrefutable fact that during his time on earth...he had a son?

[Guest guest]

My nada is currently asking the grandkids and my brother what they want left

to them. I think it is a tactic to try to get under my skin. My parents

don't have much, not that I would want anything anyway if they had $$, I put

value on sentimental items. At any rate I'm personally not worried about

it, they couldn't see fit to put me through college or help me with a

wedding that I wanted.why do they care now? Will it gain them points in the

afterlife?

~~Velvet_Tears74~~

Whatever it takes.....

From: WTOAdultChildren1

[mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ] On Behalf Of Cassie C.

Sent: Tuesday, July 19, 2011 11:18 PM

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Subject: Re: Inheritence issues

my nada is hugely indebted. all i want when she dies is for my name not to

be attached to any of her many creditors!

Cassie

________________________________

From: Girlscout Cowboy <girlscout.cowboy@...

<mailto:girlscout.cowboy%40gmail.com> >

To: WTOAdultChildren1

<mailto:WTOAdultChildren1%40yahoogroups.com>

Sent: Tuesday, July 19, 2011 10:57 PM

Subject: Re: Inheritence issues

He's working you - a lot of them do this. My ex mother in law did it all the

time. The only way to win is not to play.

On Tue, Jul 19, 2011 at 8:57 PM, Amy Leah <amy.leah35@...

<mailto:amy.leah35%40yahoo.com> > wrote:

> **

>

>

> My folks use the inheritance to yank my strings. I told them both that I

> did not want their money...it has too high a price....freedom.

>

> Thanks,

> Amy

>

>

> On Jul 16, 2011, at 10:57 PM, " lumanzico " <lumanzico@...

<mailto:lumanzico%40yahoo.com> > wrote:

>

> > I have a question for anyone who will comment:r in

> > Does anyone here have a Nada or Fada that has passed away and left a

> will? I'm asking because my Fada is currently playing games with this

issue,

> and I'm wondering if, as he faces his own demise, will he really fail to

> recognize the irrefutable fact that during his time on earth...he had a

son?

> > I always thought that the inheritence process would be a disorderly one,

> in which there would be no specific instructions, considering that the

> making of a will would require him to shift his focus away from himself

for

> more than an hour. I was ok with this.

> > But after one of our most recent bouts of not speaking to one another (5

> years), we began having meals together every once in a while. During one

of

> these, he began commenting that he would like to teach me something about

> stocks, and options trading, as he has most of his money invested, and he

> would like me to be able to continue with this (if I so choose) when he

> passes away. I can't believe that I partially fell for this at the

> time...but my desire to feel this form of warmth and fatherly love

> overwhelmed me; the undeniable love that would normally produce this

moment

> in life when an aging parent says to his/her children... " you know that

when

> I'm no longer here, whatever I had in this life will be yours, because in

> spite of everything...I'm your dad, and you're my kids; and as my parents

> did for me, I will do for you, as you will do for your kids " .

> > But it didn't take long for me to start questioning his motives, and

> before I knew it I started obsessing over this new twist; Is he really

> throwing this out there because he thinks it will keep me around now that

> his last wife left.... and he thinks I'll put up with more abuse just so I

> can have the illusion of inheriting this money? What kind of a moron does

he

> take me for? The answers I came up with were YES, and THE KIND HE THINKS I

> AM.

> > But nothing really bad had happened to our relationship during this

> " summer of love..and occasionally going out to eat together " . We were

> actually getting along quite well. But this thing he put out there kept

> gnawing at me. We stopped talking again eventually because he began yellin

> at me in front of my daughter one night...which I cannot accept, and I

> literally lost it in that restaurant. My daughter and I got up and left,

her

> sobbing...and I haven't really spoken with him since. He did however pay a

> visit to my sister, during which the inheritence issue came up again, to

the

> tune of " you're in, but you're brother's out " .

> > So now that my suspicions were confirmed I can't help but wish the issue

> had never come up. It's much worse to know that he actually did remember

to

> make a will, and decided to use it in this dispicable way. I also can't

help

> but wonder that if he has time to ponder his own death...might he just say

> " what the heck...I won't be here anyway " , and put me back in " just

because "

> I was his son?

> > Whatever happens, I can no longer pretend that he forgot about this, and

> if in the end he goes forward with this horrible snub...he will no longer

be

> around for me to hate in person. And it's not about the money...it could

be

> a deck of baseball cards if that was all he had; it's what the money

means.

> Man, I wish he'd never said anything.

> >

> >

>

>

[Guest guest]

amy, i couldn't agree more!!

ann

> I have a question for anyone who will comment:

> Does anyone here have a Nada or Fada that has passed away and left a will? I'm

asking because my Fada is currently playing games with this issue, and I'm

wondering if, as he faces his own demise, will he really fail to recognize the

irrefutable fact that during his time on earth...he had a son?

> I always thought that the inheritence process would be a disorderly one, in

which there would be no specific instructions, considering that the making of a

will would require him to shift his focus away from himself for more than an

hour. I was ok with this.

> But after one of our most recent bouts of not speaking to one another (5

years), we began having meals together every once in a while. During one of

these, he began commenting that he would like to teach me something about

stocks, and options trading, as he has most of his money invested, and he would

like me to be able to continue with this (if I so choose) when he passes away. I

can't believe that I partially fell for this at the time...but my desire to feel

this form of warmth and fatherly love overwhelmed me; the undeniable love that

would normally produce this moment in life when an aging parent says to his/her

children... " you know that when I'm no longer here, whatever I had in this life

will be yours, because in spite of everything...I'm your dad, and you're my

kids; and as my parents did for me, I will do for you, as you will do for your

kids " .

> But it didn't take long for me to start questioning his motives, and before I

knew it I started obsessing over this new twist; Is he really throwing this out

there because he thinks it will keep me around now that his last wife left....

and he thinks I'll put up with more abuse just so I can have the illusion of

inheriting this money? What kind of a moron does he take me for? The answers I

came up with were YES, and THE KIND HE THINKS I AM.

> But nothing really bad had happened to our relationship during this " summer of

love..and occasionally going out to eat together " . We were actually getting

along quite well. But this thing he put out there kept gnawing at me. We stopped

talking again eventually because he began yellin at me in front of my daughter

one night...which I cannot accept, and I literally lost it in that restaurant.

My daughter and I got up and left, her sobbing...and I haven't really spoken

with him since. He did however pay a visit to my sister, during which the

inheritence issue came up again, to the tune of " you're in, but you're brother's

out " .

> So now that my suspicions were confirmed I can't help but wish the issue had

never come up. It's much worse to know that he actually did remember to make a

will, and decided to use it in this dispicable way. I also can't help but wonder

that if he has time to ponder his own death...might he just say " what the

heck...I won't be here anyway " , and put me back in " just because " I was his son?

> Whatever happens, I can no longer pretend that he forgot about this, and if in

the end he goes forward with this horrible snub...he will no longer be around

for me to hate in person. And it's not about the money...it could be a deck of

baseball cards if that was all he had; it's what the money means. Man, I wish

he'd never said anything.

>

>

[Guest guest]

As KO s, we face many sad realities. One of those is that we are never

going to have the sort of normal family relationship we wish we could

have. In one of those, of course our Dad or Mom would recognize that

they had a son, or daughter, and value them highly.

In our world, with our Fada or Nada, they do not. We are not their

children. We are an organic extension they grew for the purpose of

fulfilling their own needs. That seems harsh, and it sucks. But it

is real.

Just as they will play with our emotions to manipulate us in life to

fulfill thier needs, they will play with an inheritance to the same

ends. It is all FOG. It is not about them wanting to bless us with

tangible or sentimental good.

We are Orphans. We heal and thrive by nurtuting relationships that are

healthy where we can find them. But what we wish it would be with our

BP parent, will not happen.

Doug

[Guest guest]

I totally agree with Amy and Girlscout. This is another old favorite from the

BPD playbook. If I only had a dollar for every time my nada has changed her will

and cut one or both of her children out of it. My brother and I just laugh about

it, because she doesn't have anything that is worth inheriting. In fact, the

only thing that we will inherit from her for sure is a huge pile of debt.

>

> > I have a question for anyone who will comment:

> > Does anyone here have a Nada or Fada that has passed away and left a will?

I'm asking because my Fada is currently playing games with this issue, and I'm

wondering if, as he faces his own demise, will he really fail to recognize the

irrefutable fact that during his time on earth...he had a son?

> > I always thought that the inheritence process would be a disorderly one, in

which there would be no specific instructions, considering that the making of a

will would require him to shift his focus away from himself for more than an

hour. I was ok with this.

> > But after one of our most recent bouts of not speaking to one another (5

years), we began having meals together every once in a while. During one of

these, he began commenting that he would like to teach me something about

stocks, and options trading, as he has most of his money invested, and he would

like me to be able to continue with this (if I so choose) when he passes away. I

can't believe that I partially fell for this at the time...but my desire to feel

this form of warmth and fatherly love overwhelmed me; the undeniable love that

would normally produce this moment in life when an aging parent says to his/her

children... " you know that when I'm no longer here, whatever I had in this life

will be yours, because in spite of everything...I'm your dad, and you're my

kids; and as my parents did for me, I will do for you, as you will do for your

kids " .

> > But it didn't take long for me to start questioning his motives, and before

I knew it I started obsessing over this new twist; Is he really throwing this

out there because he thinks it will keep me around now that his last wife

left.... and he thinks I'll put up with more abuse just so I can have the

illusion of inheriting this money? What kind of a moron does he take me for? The

answers I came up with were YES, and THE KIND HE THINKS I AM.

> > But nothing really bad had happened to our relationship during this " summer

of love..and occasionally going out to eat together " . We were actually getting

along quite well. But this thing he put out there kept gnawing at me. We stopped

talking again eventually because he began yellin at me in front of my daughter

one night...which I cannot accept, and I literally lost it in that restaurant.

My daughter and I got up and left, her sobbing...and I haven't really spoken

with him since. He did however pay a visit to my sister, during which the

inheritence issue came up again, to the tune of " you're in, but you're brother's

out " .

> > So now that my suspicions were confirmed I can't help but wish the issue had

never come up. It's much worse to know that he actually did remember to make a

will, and decided to use it in this dispicable way. I also can't help but wonder

that if he has time to ponder his own death...might he just say " what the

heck...I won't be here anyway " , and put me back in " just because " I was his son?

> > Whatever happens, I can no longer pretend that he forgot about this, and if

in the end he goes forward with this horrible snub...he will no longer be around

for me to hate in person. And it's not about the money...it could be a deck of

baseball cards if that was all he had; it's what the money means. Man, I wish

he'd never said anything.

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

In my experience, inheritance is the favorite playing card of the PD parent. My

nada and fada circled like sharks for at least 20 years while my grandparents

aged and passed away. They had no good word for those nice old people, but the

smell of that money just kept them enthralled. Of course they thought that the

same attraction for money would keep me attached to them at the hip, no matter

how badly they treated me.

Surprise!

When I divorced nada and fada for good, I also divorced myself from any thought

of receiving an inheritance. It's given me priceless serenity. My strategy was

to forget the money and run. With the time and peace of mind I gained, the money

was earned back ten times over.

AFB

> >

> > I have a question for anyone who will comment:

> > Does anyone here have a Nada or Fada that has passed away and left a will?

I'm asking because my Fada is currently playing games with this issue, and I'm

wondering if, as he faces his own demise, will he really fail to recognize the

irrefutable fact that during his time on earth...he had a son?

>

[Guest guest]

amen, doug.. so sad but so true i think.

Subject: Re: Inheritence issues

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Wednesday, July 20, 2011, 8:33 AM

Â

As KO s, we face many sad realities. One of those is that we are never

going to have the sort of normal family relationship we wish we could

have. In one of those, of course our Dad or Mom would recognize that

they had a son, or daughter, and value them highly.

In our world, with our Fada or Nada, they do not. We are not their

children. We are an organic extension they grew for the purpose of

fulfilling their own needs. That seems harsh, and it sucks. But it

is real.

Just as they will play with our emotions to manipulate us in life to

fulfill thier needs, they will play with an inheritance to the same

ends. It is all FOG. It is not about them wanting to bless us with

tangible or sentimental good.

We are Orphans. We heal and thrive by nurtuting relationships that are

healthy where we can find them. But what we wish it would be with our

BP parent, will not happen.

Doug

[Guest guest]

Hi Doug,

Thank you for your clear and honest answer. I know all that you said is true.

I think I'm just struggling a bit because one precious assumption of mine that I

thought would not be subject to post-FOG revision, was that when fada passed,

the new reality of him not being alive and needy somewhere would allow me to put

most of this behind me. Then he pulls this one, and I have visions of myself

engulfed with rage for years after, for intentionally snubbing me in this way,

even when it's clear that he can gain nothing from it. One thing is to

shamelessly manipulate those who love you for your own selfish, unfulfillable,

but ultimately earthly needs, needs that in theory could met as a result of the

manipulation; another is to conciously inflict this type of emotional pain on

someone you supposedly " love " ...in death!...no manipulation; just, " I hate you,

and I never want you to forget that " .

I also kick myself for having fallen for this for a brief moment, as it knicks

my pride.

But I will begin the galvanizing process and be prepared for what will surely

happen. Thank you for your clarity. I feel stronger already.

Lucio.

>

>

>

> As KO s, we face many sad realities. One of those is that we are never

> going to have the sort of normal family relationship we wish we could

> have. In one of those, of course our Dad or Mom would recognize that

> they had a son, or daughter, and value them highly.

>

> In our world, with our Fada or Nada, they do not. We are not their

> children. We are an organic extension they grew for the purpose of

> fulfilling their own needs. That seems harsh, and it sucks. But it

> is real.

>

> Just as they will play with our emotions to manipulate us in life to

> fulfill thier needs, they will play with an inheritance to the same

> ends. It is all FOG. It is not about them wanting to bless us with

> tangible or sentimental good.

>

> We are Orphans. We heal and thrive by nurtuting relationships that are

> healthy where we can find them. But what we wish it would be with our

> BP parent, will not happen.

>

>

>

> Doug

>

[Guest guest]

Hi, Lucio -

I recently learned that my uBPD mother (who blew through every dime she ever

earned, and who is now in assisted living with ME picking up the bill for what

Social Security doesn't cover) - has one life insurance policy. A friend of

hers, who loaned her a lot of money, is the beneficiary - which is fine, the

friend should get some of her money back when Nada shuffles off her earthly

coil. There is no policy to leave me anything - not even enough money to have

her cremated. Yet she continues to say, " Oh, you'll get back what you're

spending. " - Illogic, thy name is Nada. She either has forgotten - or is just

plain lying to my face - about a policy she had and let lapse several years

ago. I have spent tens of thousands of dollars supporting her over the years.

She expects it. Since learning about BPD and getting rid of the F.O.G. (fear,

obligation and guilt), I'm still paying a share of the bills, not because I love

her, not because I feel obliged to do so, but because there is no one else to do

it, and I feel as much compassion for her as I would for an old, sick animal. I

do it because I believe it is ethical for ME to do it - not out of any sense of

relationship with her. Most importantly, if I pay to keep her in assisted

living, she cannot do further damage to me or my family, or to her " friends. "

Enlightened self-interest, I guess.

The up side is that she cannot manipulate me with promises of post-Nada riches.

I have read here, again and again, posts from people who cite inheritances as

their only reason for putting up with Nada and Fada crap. I gotta say, that is

awfully expensive money! Sure, I'd like to think my parents had thought of me

and left me something (besides bills for the cremation - there sure isn't going

to be a funeral!) But even as I write the checks and try to figure out how to

fund my own old age, I am FREE of that particular form of bondage. There's

nothing for her to hold over my head.

My husband and his brother inherited a modest amount of money and property, and

their dad set it up so they inherited together. This was a huge mistake, as his

brother is woefully inept and unable to manage property, or the estate, or

anything else in his life. So poor husband has to deal with the estate and is

trying not to hurt his brother's feelings. He's poured a lot of his share of

the inheritance into upkeep and repairs on a house where the brother lives, rent

free. The brother refuses to split the property or sell it, so my husband is

saddled with all the responsibility and none of the options he SHOULD have as an

heir. So far, it's been mostly a huge pain in the ass all around, and has

caused many fights in our home. I think he's finally starting to realize that

his dad left him a big pile of problems along with the inheritance - and he's

going to have to pull up his big-boy britches and tell his brother to manage

his own life like a grownup.

So my take on " losing " the inheritance is this - you will have to earn your own

way in the world, which is what most of us have to do anyway. And when it's

time for the adult children to gather 'round and change Fada's Depends, you will

be quite free to leave that to the siblings who are expecting to cash in. Your

freedom is priceless.

> >

> >

> >

> > As KO s, we face many sad realities. One of those is that we are never

> > going to have the sort of normal family relationship we wish we could

> > have. In one of those, of course our Dad or Mom would recognize that

> > they had a son, or daughter, and value them highly.

> >

> > In our world, with our Fada or Nada, they do not. We are not their

> > children. We are an organic extension they grew for the purpose of

> > fulfilling their own needs. That seems harsh, and it sucks. But it

> > is real.

> >

> > Just as they will play with our emotions to manipulate us in life to

> > fulfill thier needs, they will play with an inheritance to the same

> > ends. It is all FOG. It is not about them wanting to bless us with

> > tangible or sentimental good.

> >

> > We are Orphans. We heal and thrive by nurtuting relationships that are

> > healthy where we can find them. But what we wish it would be with our

> > BP parent, will not happen.

> >

> >

> >

> > Doug

> >

>