Guest guest Posted July 19, 2011 Report Share Posted July 19, 2011 Is anyone in my situation? My husbands mother is bpd untreated or professionally diagnosed but fits the mold. She is ruining our marriage and making my life a living hell. I have had to teach my husband about this disorder by insisting there is a problem with her and not me. Through therapy he now understands but since has not wanted to go to therapy because he feels he is the zen master at being calm. Unfortunatelly he is totally affected by her abuse because I get it from him if he talk a to her everyday. I have had to teach him. Through books and research that her bad behavior is unexceptable and I am not going to tolerate the lies games or craziness that she brings rot our lives. There is so much to say I cannot even express if all. My husband has at least acknowledged this disorder and accepted what we need to do as a couple. However it is a struggle to undo the damage his ,other has done on him and now me over the past nine years....torture...starting with her lobbying for everyone on his side of the family to not attend our wedding...only six people on his side attended and the rest were my family and friends. She is so bad and evil. I need to help! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 19, 2011 Report Share Posted July 19, 2011 So sorry, --you sound miserable. <<hugs>> As you already know, staying calm or passive when being abused does not mean unaffected. A good book to bring into the home is Codependent No More. Perhaps understanding passive aggression might help your husband see his family dynamics in a more concrete light. Or maybe not--I understand your frustration. It's like you are yelling " The house is on fire. " and no one pays attention to your concern. Your husband may or may not be able to 'go there.' If he can't, you'll just have to set the boundaries for yourself (and your children if kids are involved). He can either come along for the ride or get used to being around his mother by himself. If he chooses the later, I would certainly not allow him to take his bad moods out on me after his daily talk with her. But do know that he has to be as involved as you (if not more so, since it's his mom) in changing his family dynamic. If he isn't, he'll just resent you trying to push him into a direction he isn't able/ready to handle. > > Is anyone in my situation? My husbands mother is bpd untreated or professionally diagnosed but fits the mold. She is ruining our marriage and making my life a living hell. I have had to teach my husband about this disorder by insisting there is a problem with her and not me. Through therapy he now understands but since has not wanted to go to therapy because he feels he is the zen master at being calm. Unfortunatelly he is totally affected by her abuse because I get it from him if he talk a to her everyday. I have had to teach him. Through books and research that her bad behavior is unexceptable and I am not going to tolerate the lies games or craziness that she brings rot our lives. There is so much to say I cannot even express if all. My husband has at least acknowledged this disorder and accepted what we need to do as a couple. However it is a struggle to undo the damage his ,other has done on him and now me over the past nine years....torture...starting with her lobbying for everyone on his side of the family to not attend our wedding...only six people on his side attended and the rest were my family and friends. She is so bad and evil. I need to help! > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 20, 2011 Report Share Posted July 20, 2011 I can relate to that state of thinking non-reaction is a powerful position to take, I can remember my dad playing mumbly peg with me and me trying not to blink when the pocket knife would land between my feet, the last time he did that I was 23 and I felt so empowered that I did not blink at all, did not even look down at the knife and just stared at him emotionless. That is not recovery, that is just coping with a f*cked up situation the only way you can. That is a problem in that if someone is trying to get a reaction out of you and you don't react, then you have not given them power over you (in a child's way of thinking), however, I had not and probably still haven't dealt with the depth of my emotions of rage and humiliation about being treated this way. I suspect he is not honoring your feelings about his mother's interference in your lives because he is not even experiencing his own *feelings* about her behavior. Controlling his outward reaction is not the same as experiencing his feelings about her behavior. It seems what is most important right now is that he completely comprehend and honor the amount of anguish that this situation is causing YOU. He is not in a chose relationship with her like he is with you. I hope that you will be able somehow to get him to understand the depth of your anger and frustration, and begin to set some healthy boundaries with his mother so that the two of you can have a happy marriage. I hope you will keep coming back and posting when you need to and getting validation about how frustrating this can be. For you have TWO problems, your husband's lack of empathy about your feelings, and your mother-in-law's interference. I think that your husband lacks empathy because he has not experienced empathy for himself in his dealings with her, she would have been the one to demonstrate empathy for him and instead she's bpd. So he doesn't have that, or isn't in touch, with the fact that how he reacts externally, i.e. 'staying calm' is irrelevant to how you and he both feel about the actual behavior itself. It might take couples therapy for him to truly understand how destructive this is to your marriage. Hugs. > > Is anyone in my situation? My husbands mother is bpd untreated or professionally diagnosed but fits the mold. She is ruining our marriage and making my life a living hell. I have had to teach my husband about this disorder by insisting there is a problem with her and not me. Through therapy he now understands but since has not wanted to go to therapy because he feels he is the zen master at being calm. Unfortunatelly he is totally affected by her abuse because I get it from him if he talk a to her everyday. I have had to teach him. Through books and research that her bad behavior is unexceptable and I am not going to tolerate the lies games or craziness that she brings rot our lives. There is so much to say I cannot even express if all. My husband has at least acknowledged this disorder and accepted what we need to do as a couple. However it is a struggle to undo the damage his ,other has done on him and now me over the past nine years....torture...starting with her lobbying for everyone on his side of the family to not attend our wedding...only six people on his side attended and the rest were my family and friends. She is so bad and evil. I need to help! > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 20, 2011 Report Share Posted July 20, 2011 What is it with BPD's and weddings? My nada did not attend my wedding either....I let her make my wedding day feel sad and tearful. No more. > Is anyone in my situation? My husbands mother is bpd untreated or professionally diagnosed but fits the mold. She is ruining our marriage and making my life a living hell. I have had to teach my husband about this disorder by insisting there is a problem with her and not me. Through therapy he now understands but since has not wanted to go to therapy because he feels he is the zen master at being calm. Unfortunatelly he is totally affected by her abuse because I get it from him if he talk a to her everyday. I have had to teach him. Through books and research that her bad behavior is unexceptable and I am not going to tolerate the lies games or craziness that she brings rot our lives. There is so much to say I cannot even express if all. My husband has at least acknowledged this disorder and accepted what we need to do as a couple. However it is a struggle to undo the damage his ,other has done on him and now me over the past nine years....torture...starting with her lobbying for everyone on his side of the family to not attend our wedding...only six people on his side attended and the rest were my family and friends. She is so bad and evil. I need to help! > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 20, 2011 Report Share Posted July 20, 2011 Hi , Your post is frighteningly similar to my situation, so I really want to tell you you are NOT alone. It is a horrible position to be in because (in my case at least) I would be no contact with her, but have to for my husband's sake. I really love the " medium chill " posted here a few days ago to cope with her (and her 2 abusive daughters who are exactly like her). My husband also recognizes her bad behaviour, but is also very calm and doesn't think he needs therapy (he has gone with me but refuses to go on his own). Have you ever noticed when he's angry if your husband reacts to you as though you are his mother? Mine does and then denies it. He has PTSD and gets triggered, so reality gets really distorted and he tells me I was " acting insane " when I was calmly sitting at the table and trying to talk to him (I no longer try to reason with him in that state and just walk away). Right now I'm trying to find a way to get through to my husband because he is so emotionally locked up after years of being physically and emotionally abused. Please post on anything you find that helps-would love to hear it. Also, take a look at my post from a few days ago- " insurance update " it describes exactly what these Nada in laws seem to get away with. > > Is anyone in my situation? My husbands mother is bpd untreated or professionally diagnosed but fits the mold. She is ruining our marriage and making my life a living hell. I have had to teach my husband about this disorder by insisting there is a problem with her and not me. Through therapy he now understands but since has not wanted to go to therapy because he feels he is the zen master at being calm. Unfortunatelly he is totally affected by her abuse because I get it from him if he talk a to her everyday. I have had to teach him. Through books and research that her bad behavior is unexceptable and I am not going to tolerate the lies games or craziness that she brings rot our lives. There is so much to say I cannot even express if all. My husband has at least acknowledged this disorder and accepted what we need to do as a couple. However it is a struggle to undo the damage his ,other has done on him and now me over the past nine years....torture...starting with her lobbying for everyone on his side of the family to not attend our wedding...only six people on his side attended and the rest were my family and friends. She is so bad and evil. I need to help! > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 24, 2011 Report Share Posted July 24, 2011 I've been married 4 times (know now, I was trying to escape my controlling parents) and my fada only attended the one that was in his house. He used to say, " Not even Jesus Himself is good enough for my kids to marry or could love them as much as I do. " Yah, right. -- Re: Mother n law with bpd What is it with BPD's and weddings? My nada did not attend my wedding either....I let her make my wedding day feel sad and tearful. No more. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 24, 2011 Report Share Posted July 24, 2011 The weddings of their children seem to bring out the very worst in bpd moms/nadas (in particular, although fadas are not exempt.) Their behaviors fall into to main categories: (a) Her presence: Nada *demands* to take over her daughter's wedding preparations and makes the wedding all about herself and her own tastes, but usually drops the ball; nada becomes the de facto " bridezilla " , goes histrionic over minor details or causes confusion in some way with the professional planners; nada dresses inappropriately, gets drunk and/or creates an Embarrassing Scene at some point(s) during the preparations, the rehearsal or rehearsal dinner, the ceremony, or the reception. ( Her absence: Nada finds Some Reason to boycott the wedding and make it appear to be the bride's fault, the groom's fault, or her future in-law's fault. Her absence is intended as an Embarrassing Punishment aimed at her adult child, or possibly its intended to induce groveling and pleading for her to please attend, or gain her some kind of lavish bribe or concession, perhaps. There have been many posts here about such things, over the years. Its amazing how similar the behaviors are sometimes in all these different people with bpd. -Annie > > > I've been married 4 times (know now, I was trying to escape my controlling > parents) and my fada only attended the one that was in his house. He used > to say, " Not even Jesus Himself is good enough for my kids to marry or could > love them as much as I do. " Yah, right. > > > > -- Re: Mother n law with bpd > > > What is it with BPD's and weddings? My nada did not attend my wedding either....I let her make my wedding day feel sad and tearful. No more. > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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