Guest guest Posted February 21, 2012 Report Share Posted February 21, 2012 Hi, Just thought I needed a reality check since I tend to doubt myself when dealing with nada. Nada has a chronic condition now -- she's in her 70s -- and I'm helping her within reason. I will take her to/from dr. appointments and help her with grocery shopping, make meals, etc. Recently, she asked me to sleepover her house a few nights. I said no since I have young children. I realize I need to draw boundaries since she will just take, take, take and doesn't care about me or my kids' needs or schedule. I have to admit that I may be thin-skinned here. So I'm not sleeping over her house to help out. No way. The main reason being is that she has been verbally and emotionally abusive towards me and my husband. And I've had enough. Last year, I had my 5-week-old in the ER and a weekend stay in the hospital, Nada came by to visit at the hospital then left for Florida for 3 months (she's a snow bird). My husband was gone on business for a week, so I had a sick infant plus a toddler to care for. If it were me, I would have delayed my trip to help. I would have paid for another ticket for her if she decided to go later. It is the most frightening thing to have a sick infant. The baby is fine now, healthy. But I can't believe nada left without asking if I needed help, knowing that I had no one to rely upon. Just one day of watching the kids and being able to get out of the house to grocery shop would have helped. Is it wrong for me to say no to her? Why should I help her when she didn't help me in a time of need? And, should I really be suprized by nada's behavior? No, I shouldn't. It's not anything new, par for the course. She is probably going to spin out of control or give me a huge guilt trip and turn my sister against me. I almost feel like not talking to her at all, but she does need help, but I will only do what I can. Aly Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 21, 2012 Report Share Posted February 21, 2012 Just say no! :-) > ** > > > Hi, Just thought I needed a reality check since I tend to doubt myself > when dealing with nada. Nada has a chronic condition now -- she's in her > 70s -- and I'm helping her within reason. I will take her to/from dr. > appointments and help her with grocery shopping, make meals, etc. > > Recently, she asked me to sleepover her house a few nights. I said no > since I have young children. I realize I need to draw boundaries since she > will just take, take, take and doesn't care about me or my kids' needs or > schedule. > > I have to admit that I may be thin-skinned here. So I'm not sleeping over > her house to help out. No way. The main reason being is that she has been > verbally and emotionally abusive towards me and my husband. And I've had > enough. > > Last year, I had my 5-week-old in the ER and a weekend stay in the > hospital, Nada came by to visit at the hospital then left for Florida for 3 > months (she's a snow bird). My husband was gone on business for a week, so > I had a sick infant plus a toddler to care for. > > If it were me, I would have delayed my trip to help. I would have paid for > another ticket for her if she decided to go later. > > It is the most frightening thing to have a sick infant. The baby is fine > now, healthy. But I can't believe nada left without asking if I needed > help, knowing that I had no one to rely upon. Just one day of watching the > kids and being able to get out of the house to grocery shop would have > helped. > > Is it wrong for me to say no to her? Why should I help her when she didn't > help me in a time of need? And, should I really be suprized by nada's > behavior? No, I shouldn't. It's not anything new, par for the course. > > She is probably going to spin out of control or give me a huge guilt trip > and turn my sister against me. I almost feel like not talking to her at > all, but she does need help, but I will only do what I can. > > Aly > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 21, 2012 Report Share Posted February 21, 2012 If your nada is well-off enough to travel (it sounds like she has two homes?) she can afford to hire a part-time care-giver to come in a few days a week to help her do the things you're doing for her now. Some home-based elder care-givers / assisted living care-givers will sleep over, its something you or your nada can look into. I'm sure it costs more if a care-giver is expected to sleep over, but, if its only a couple of nights a week it may be more affordable. Me personally, I don't think you should feel one molecule of guilt for putting your own small children's needs first, and putting your own needs first, particularly with a nada who is emotionally abusive to you, and who apparently doesn't give a flying crap about your needs or your children's needs, and brushes you off when you need her help. So... this is your reality check: you are not allowed to feel guilty about nada's feelings. And in addition I suggest you reduce the amount of time you spend taking care of things that nada can and should be doing for herself, or things she can and ought to hire help to do for her. No. Guilt. -Annie > > Hi, Just thought I needed a reality check since I tend to doubt myself when dealing with nada. Nada has a chronic condition now -- she's in her 70s -- and I'm helping her within reason. I will take her to/from dr. appointments and help her with grocery shopping, make meals, etc. > > Recently, she asked me to sleepover her house a few nights. I said no since I have young children. I realize I need to draw boundaries since she will just take, take, take and doesn't care about me or my kids' needs or schedule. > > I have to admit that I may be thin-skinned here. So I'm not sleeping over her house to help out. No way. The main reason being is that she has been verbally and emotionally abusive towards me and my husband. And I've had enough. > > Last year, I had my 5-week-old in the ER and a weekend stay in the hospital, Nada came by to visit at the hospital then left for Florida for 3 months (she's a snow bird). My husband was gone on business for a week, so I had a sick infant plus a toddler to care for. > > If it were me, I would have delayed my trip to help. I would have paid for another ticket for her if she decided to go later. > > It is the most frightening thing to have a sick infant. The baby is fine now, healthy. But I can't believe nada left without asking if I needed help, knowing that I had no one to rely upon. Just one day of watching the kids and being able to get out of the house to grocery shop would have helped. > > Is it wrong for me to say no to her? Why should I help her when she didn't help me in a time of need? And, should I really be suprized by nada's behavior? No, I shouldn't. It's not anything new, par for the course. > > She is probably going to spin out of control or give me a huge guilt trip and turn my sister against me. I almost feel like not talking to her at all, but she does need help, but I will only do what I can. > > Aly > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 22, 2012 Report Share Posted February 22, 2012 Aly, if its one thing I'm learning its that a relationship that is only one way is not really a relationship. I'm also learning that there is no guilt in looking after myself or my kids. I was always taught to put my needs second but am now learning to give myself permission to do things for me and that means not allowing my FOO anywhere near my life (or my kids). I hope you can find a balance that is right for you. LT > > Hi, Just thought I needed a reality check since I tend to doubt myself when dealing with nada. Nada has a chronic condition now -- she's in her 70s -- and I'm helping her within reason. I will take her to/from dr. appointments and help her with grocery shopping, make meals, etc. > > Recently, she asked me to sleepover her house a few nights. I said no since I have young children. I realize I need to draw boundaries since she will just take, take, take and doesn't care about me or my kids' needs or schedule. > > I have to admit that I may be thin-skinned here. So I'm not sleeping over her house to help out. No way. The main reason being is that she has been verbally and emotionally abusive towards me and my husband. And I've had enough. > > Last year, I had my 5-week-old in the ER and a weekend stay in the hospital, Nada came by to visit at the hospital then left for Florida for 3 months (she's a snow bird). My husband was gone on business for a week, so I had a sick infant plus a toddler to care for. > > If it were me, I would have delayed my trip to help. I would have paid for another ticket for her if she decided to go later. > > It is the most frightening thing to have a sick infant. The baby is fine now, healthy. But I can't believe nada left without asking if I needed help, knowing that I had no one to rely upon. Just one day of watching the kids and being able to get out of the house to grocery shop would have helped. > > Is it wrong for me to say no to her? Why should I help her when she didn't help me in a time of need? And, should I really be suprized by nada's behavior? No, I shouldn't. It's not anything new, par for the course. > > She is probably going to spin out of control or give me a huge guilt trip and turn my sister against me. I almost feel like not talking to her at all, but she does need help, but I will only do what I can. > > Aly > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 22, 2012 Report Share Posted February 22, 2012 Thanks for your responses. I really appreciate the validation! You guys are wonderful. Ok, here comes the next layer to this drama. Now my sister is angry since I did not want to sleep over nada's house. She emailed me and wrote that we need " to pick it up a lot more " and help mom through this time. (She is referring to both my husband and me.) If I don't, I will alienate mom, her and her family. She states: " It is your choice to make. " This ultimatum is absurd. I emailed her back and wrote that it is my choice to get thru this together as a family. I mentioned that I have been helping nada -- I bring her to doctor apptointments, grocery shop for her, and bring her meals. I told her that my husband works full time and travels for work, so he isn't able to help during the week. I told my sister that I want to talk to her on the phone and discuss how we can help each other with caring for nada now that she is sick. I figured that my response was a reasonable way of handling it. I have come to learn not to get emotional with nada or my sister since that doesn't accomplish too much. But I'm sure my sister is not happy with my reply since I'm not giving in to her threat. My sister works from home and her kids are in school during the day. Her husband doesn't work and is at home. I think she is resentful of me and that I have two young children to care for and that I no longer jump to attention whenever nada cries for help. My sister has been blowing off my calls/emails/txts this past month. I want to talk to her about nada and have some kind of " game plan. " I just think that is a responsible thing to do. I really don't know if she will call me after her email, but I will think positive. I think nada's condition is really wearing on my sister. I think she is overwhelmed. But if she is going to threaten me and my husband about nada and not want to talk to us, then I really don't know what to do at this point. It's too bad since all of the cousins enjoy each other's company. M son adores his older cousin. I hate to think I will hurt their relationship by not following y sister's " orders. " (Can you tell this this is an older sister?! ) I think it comes down to this: will I be able to live with myself if we decide to go NC? If it's NC with nada, then according to my sister's rules, it's NC with her and her kids, too. Aly > > > > Hi, Just thought I needed a reality check since I tend to doubt myself when dealing with nada. Nada has a chronic condition now -- she's in her 70s -- and I'm helping her within reason. I will take her to/from dr. appointments and help her with grocery shopping, make meals, etc. > > > > Recently, she asked me to sleepover her house a few nights. I said no since I have young children. I realize I need to draw boundaries since she will just take, take, take and doesn't care about me or my kids' needs or schedule. > > > > I have to admit that I may be thin-skinned here. So I'm not sleeping over her house to help out. No way. The main reason being is that she has been verbally and emotionally abusive towards me and my husband. And I've had enough. > > > > Last year, I had my 5-week-old in the ER and a weekend stay in the hospital, Nada came by to visit at the hospital then left for Florida for 3 months (she's a snow bird). My husband was gone on business for a week, so I had a sick infant plus a toddler to care for. > > > > If it were me, I would have delayed my trip to help. I would have paid for another ticket for her if she decided to go later. > > > > It is the most frightening thing to have a sick infant. The baby is fine now, healthy. But I can't believe nada left without asking if I needed help, knowing that I had no one to rely upon. Just one day of watching the kids and being able to get out of the house to grocery shop would have helped. > > > > Is it wrong for me to say no to her? Why should I help her when she didn't help me in a time of need? And, should I really be suprized by nada's behavior? No, I shouldn't. It's not anything new, par for the course. > > > > She is probably going to spin out of control or give me a huge guilt trip and turn my sister against me. I almost feel like not talking to her at all, but she does need help, but I will only do what I can. > > > > Aly > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 22, 2012 Report Share Posted February 22, 2012 Hi Annie, Last month, just when we found out nada was sick, I mentioned to both nada and my sister that it would be a good idea to look into hiring a nurse/caregiver. Nada said she did not want a stranger in her home. My sister just blew me off. This is not a money issue. Nada has a health care plan that would cover a nurse/caregiver to come into the home. I keep telling myself not to feel guilty, so thank you for your kind words. Aly > > > > Hi, Just thought I needed a reality check since I tend to doubt myself when dealing with nada. Nada has a chronic condition now -- she's in her 70s -- and I'm helping her within reason. I will take her to/from dr. appointments and help her with grocery shopping, make meals, etc. > > > > Recently, she asked me to sleepover her house a few nights. I said no since I have young children. I realize I need to draw boundaries since she will just take, take, take and doesn't care about me or my kids' needs or schedule. > > > > I have to admit that I may be thin-skinned here. So I'm not sleeping over her house to help out. No way. The main reason being is that she has been verbally and emotionally abusive towards me and my husband. And I've had enough. > > > > Last year, I had my 5-week-old in the ER and a weekend stay in the hospital, Nada came by to visit at the hospital then left for Florida for 3 months (she's a snow bird). My husband was gone on business for a week, so I had a sick infant plus a toddler to care for. > > > > If it were me, I would have delayed my trip to help. I would have paid for another ticket for her if she decided to go later. > > > > It is the most frightening thing to have a sick infant. The baby is fine now, healthy. But I can't believe nada left without asking if I needed help, knowing that I had no one to rely upon. Just one day of watching the kids and being able to get out of the house to grocery shop would have helped. > > > > Is it wrong for me to say no to her? Why should I help her when she didn't help me in a time of need? And, should I really be suprized by nada's behavior? No, I shouldn't. It's not anything new, par for the course. > > > > She is probably going to spin out of control or give me a huge guilt trip and turn my sister against me. I almost feel like not talking to her at all, but she does need help, but I will only do what I can. > > > > Aly > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 22, 2012 Report Share Posted February 22, 2012 Don't feel guilty! If your sister's the bully who needs her? On this group it's the same thing over and over. The nice guy is a doormat and everybody else feels entitled to keep the doormat in it's place. If the doormat doesn't want to continue to play that role everybody else gets upset. Well, just don't feel guilty. Do what you like. You don't owe anybody anything. > ** > > > Hi Annie, > > Last month, just when we found out nada was sick, I mentioned to both nada > and my sister that it would be a good idea to look into hiring a > nurse/caregiver. Nada said she did not want a stranger in her home. My > sister just blew me off. > > This is not a money issue. Nada has a health care plan that would cover a > nurse/caregiver to come into the home. > > I keep telling myself not to feel guilty, so thank you for your kind words. > > Aly > > > > > > > > Hi, Just thought I needed a reality check since I tend to doubt myself > when dealing with nada. Nada has a chronic condition now -- she's in her > 70s -- and I'm helping her within reason. I will take her to/from dr. > appointments and help her with grocery shopping, make meals, etc. > > > > > > Recently, she asked me to sleepover her house a few nights. I said no > since I have young children. I realize I need to draw boundaries since she > will just take, take, take and doesn't care about me or my kids' needs or > schedule. > > > > > > I have to admit that I may be thin-skinned here. So I'm not sleeping > over her house to help out. No way. The main reason being is that she has > been verbally and emotionally abusive towards me and my husband. And I've > had enough. > > > > > > Last year, I had my 5-week-old in the ER and a weekend stay in the > hospital, Nada came by to visit at the hospital then left for Florida for 3 > months (she's a snow bird). My husband was gone on business for a week, so > I had a sick infant plus a toddler to care for. > > > > > > If it were me, I would have delayed my trip to help. I would have paid > for another ticket for her if she decided to go later. > > > > > > It is the most frightening thing to have a sick infant. The baby is > fine now, healthy. But I can't believe nada left without asking if I needed > help, knowing that I had no one to rely upon. Just one day of watching the > kids and being able to get out of the house to grocery shop would have > helped. > > > > > > Is it wrong for me to say no to her? Why should I help her when she > didn't help me in a time of need? And, should I really be suprized by > nada's behavior? No, I shouldn't. It's not anything new, par for the course. > > > > > > She is probably going to spin out of control or give me a huge guilt > trip and turn my sister against me. I almost feel like not talking to her > at all, but she does need help, but I will only do what I can. > > > > > > Aly > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 22, 2012 Report Share Posted February 22, 2012 You are not out of line for saying NO! Your main responsibility is toward your children and keeping yourself healthy, not to your nada. As for the rest, your nada is not capable of being in a 'two way street relationship' with you. She is so focused on herself that she cannot reciprocate with you. I know it hurts. You certainly have a right to be angry that this type of relationship is closed to you. It takes a lot of energy being angry at someone who does not get it now & will never get it, but it is part of the acceptance process we all need to go through. Sounds like she chose an excellent time to give you a break from her for a few months, just sorry you don't have more support. > > Hi, Just thought I needed a reality check since I tend to doubt myself when dealing with nada. Nada has a chronic condition now -- she's in her 70s -- and I'm helping her within reason. I will take her to/from dr. appointments and help her with grocery shopping, make meals, etc. > > Recently, she asked me to sleepover her house a few nights. I said no since I have young children. I realize I need to draw boundaries since she will just take, take, take and doesn't care about me or my kids' needs or schedule. > > I have to admit that I may be thin-skinned here. So I'm not sleeping over her house to help out. No way. The main reason being is that she has been verbally and emotionally abusive towards me and my husband. And I've had enough. > > Last year, I had my 5-week-old in the ER and a weekend stay in the hospital, Nada came by to visit at the hospital then left for Florida for 3 months (she's a snow bird). My husband was gone on business for a week, so I had a sick infant plus a toddler to care for. > > If it were me, I would have delayed my trip to help. I would have paid for another ticket for her if she decided to go later. > > It is the most frightening thing to have a sick infant. The baby is fine now, healthy. But I can't believe nada left without asking if I needed help, knowing that I had no one to rely upon. Just one day of watching the kids and being able to get out of the house to grocery shop would have helped. > > Is it wrong for me to say no to her? Why should I help her when she didn't help me in a time of need? And, should I really be suprized by nada's behavior? No, I shouldn't. It's not anything new, par for the course. > > She is probably going to spin out of control or give me a huge guilt trip and turn my sister against me. I almost feel like not talking to her at all, but she does need help, but I will only do what I can. > > Aly > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 22, 2012 Report Share Posted February 22, 2012 Maybe it is time to give your sister a reality check. She seems to like having you 'on the ropes' and defending yourself, but is not willing to proactively and realistically discuss the situation. Perhaps a message should be sent stating you are not interested in a blame session with her, but you do have questions that need to be discussed. And ask her if she is interested in putting aside her grievances in order to discuss how best to share responsibilities involving mom? It sounds like the two of you have the same goals, are both feeling overwhelmed, and feel unsupported by the other one. If you two sat down somewhere without any other family interruptions you could come up with a workable (and non-blaming) arrangement. > > Thanks for your responses. I really appreciate the validation! You guys are wonderful. > > Ok, here comes the next layer to this drama. > > Now my sister is angry since I did not want to sleep over nada's house. She emailed me and wrote that we need " to pick it up a lot more " and help mom through this time. (She is referring to both my husband and me.) If I don't, I will alienate mom, her and her family. She states: " It is your choice to make. " > > This ultimatum is absurd. > > I emailed her back and wrote that it is my choice to get thru this together as a family. I mentioned that I have been helping nada -- I bring her to doctor apptointments, grocery shop for her, and bring her meals. I told her that my husband works full time and travels for work, so he isn't able to help during the week. I told my sister that I want to talk to her on the phone and discuss how we can help each other with caring for nada now that she is sick. > > I figured that my response was a reasonable way of handling it. I have come to learn not to get emotional with nada or my sister since that doesn't accomplish too much. > > But I'm sure my sister is not happy with my reply since I'm not giving in to her threat. > > My sister works from home and her kids are in school during the day. Her husband doesn't work and is at home. I think she is resentful of me and that I have two young children to care for and that I no longer jump to attention whenever nada cries for help. > > My sister has been blowing off my calls/emails/txts this past month. I want to talk to her about nada and have some kind of " game plan. " I just think that is a responsible thing to do. I really don't know if she will call me after her email, but I will think positive. > > I think nada's condition is really wearing on my sister. I think she is overwhelmed. But if she is going to threaten me and my husband about nada and not want to talk to us, then I really don't know what to do at this point. > > It's too bad since all of the cousins enjoy each other's company. M son adores his older cousin. I hate to think I will hurt their relationship by not following y sister's " orders. " (Can you tell this this is an older sister?! ) > > I think it comes down to this: will I be able to live with myself if we decide to go NC? If it's NC with nada, then according to my sister's rules, it's NC with her and her kids, too. > > Aly > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 22, 2012 Report Share Posted February 22, 2012 Your sister is so lucky that you are doing all the things you are ALREADY doing. How'd she like it if you stopped? That's a threat you could make that would rattle her cage for sure. Okay...that's the non-diplomatic me talking. I do agree getting her to discuss and agree to a game plan with you sounds like a path to sanity. It might take a little while for her to get on board though. Is there any neutral third party that could work with you and your sister to work out an agreement? A counselor or pastor or geriatric care manager? eliza > > > > > > Hi, Just thought I needed a reality check since I tend to doubt myself when dealing with nada. Nada has a chronic condition now -- she's in her 70s -- and I'm helping her within reason. I will take her to/from dr. appointments and help her with grocery shopping, make meals, etc. > > > > > > Recently, she asked me to sleepover her house a few nights. I said no since I have young children. I realize I need to draw boundaries since she will just take, take, take and doesn't care about me or my kids' needs or schedule. > > > > > > I have to admit that I may be thin-skinned here. So I'm not sleeping over her house to help out. No way. The main reason being is that she has been verbally and emotionally abusive towards me and my husband. And I've had enough. > > > > > > Last year, I had my 5-week-old in the ER and a weekend stay in the hospital, Nada came by to visit at the hospital then left for Florida for 3 months (she's a snow bird). My husband was gone on business for a week, so I had a sick infant plus a toddler to care for. > > > > > > If it were me, I would have delayed my trip to help. I would have paid for another ticket for her if she decided to go later. > > > > > > It is the most frightening thing to have a sick infant. The baby is fine now, healthy. But I can't believe nada left without asking if I needed help, knowing that I had no one to rely upon. Just one day of watching the kids and being able to get out of the house to grocery shop would have helped. > > > > > > Is it wrong for me to say no to her? Why should I help her when she didn't help me in a time of need? And, should I really be suprized by nada's behavior? No, I shouldn't. It's not anything new, par for the course. > > > > > > She is probably going to spin out of control or give me a huge guilt trip and turn my sister against me. I almost feel like not talking to her at all, but she does need help, but I will only do what I can. > > > > > > Aly > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 23, 2012 Report Share Posted February 23, 2012 Put your guilt at ease. In this one comment you sum it all up: Nada said she did not want. And for Nada, that constitutes a natural law. It is all about what she wants. Her abusive behavior and language toward you does not matter, she wants. Your inconvenience does not matter, she wants. Often the task of caring for an older relative fall disproportionately on one person, usually a daughter, but not always. We, KOs, are, I think more than most vulnerable to the FOG, appied by Nada, flying monkeys, Foo, or just folks who want to guilt us into assuaging their guilt so they can avoid an unpleasant task. I ve been through this on several occasions. When my MIL fell and was afraid to live alone any longer, though she lived only 3 blocks from both my house and my SIL, it was decided in an instant that she would move in with us. Now, MIL was not a Nada, but was, despite her stroke, a nice lady and good to me. But, out of many sisters of my wife, all in the area, it felll on us. My wife was the youngest. She had 4 children at home. We did not have a spare room and had to renovate to make room in a 3 bedroom house with 6 people for a 7th. There were many reasons given why all the others could not do it, including the one whose kids were grown and had far and away the finest house of the group. But due to stairs, she would have had to renovate. ( AS DID WE?) To make it worse, I came in from work to find the MIL, my wife, and all the SIL s telling me a fait accompli, " mother " is moving in. I resented the hell out of it. I was never part of the discussion, although it radically affected my family. To make it worse, when she was here, for 2 years before her death, those sisters who lived within 5 minutes of the house were suddenly very hard to reach, to come and stay with her while we went to the store, or a movie, or a kids ball game. FOG? You bet. It should have been very different. Later, as my grandmother was older, and had her problems, ( nada? maybe. ) with drugs, and hypochondria, my nada, aunt, and cousin were unavailable for the late night journeys to the ER or trips to the drug store. As Nada was older and not functional in living skills, it was all on me again. See a pattern? It was truly only after I read SWOE, and began to understand bpd and livng skills for being healthy with a sick parent, that I began to say " this far I will go, and no further. " If they don t like it, that is a shame. But they are going to guilt me regardless, so I may as well do what I feel I can live with. And so should you. It is not easy I know. Nada was mad at me for standing firm with her on a boundary on a Monday. She would not answer my calls or talk to me on Tuesday. And on that Wednesday she died. This is how it often goes for us. But I did the right thing, at last. Good luck. Doug > > > > > > Hi, Just thought I needed a reality check since I tend to doubt myself when dealing with nada. Nada has a chronic condition now -- she's in her 70s -- and I'm helping her within reason. I will take her to/from dr. appointments and help her with grocery shopping, make meals, etc. > > > > > > Recently, she asked me to sleepover her house a few nights. I said no since I have young children. I realize I need to draw boundaries since she will just take, take, take and doesn't care about me or my kids' needs or schedule. > > > > > > I have to admit that I may be thin-skinned here. So I'm not sleeping over her house to help out. No way. The main reason being is that she has been verbally and emotionally abusive towards me and my husband. And I've had enough. > > > > > > Last year, I had my 5-week-old in the ER and a weekend stay in the hospital, Nada came by to visit at the hospital then left for Florida for 3 months (she's a snow bird). My husband was gone on business for a week, so I had a sick infant plus a toddler to care for. > > > > > > If it were me, I would have delayed my trip to help. I would have paid for another ticket for her if she decided to go later. > > > > > > It is the most frightening thing to have a sick infant. The baby is fine now, healthy. But I can't believe nada left without asking if I needed help, knowing that I had no one to rely upon. Just one day of watching the kids and being able to get out of the house to grocery shop would have helped. > > > > > > Is it wrong for me to say no to her? Why should I help her when she didn't help me in a time of need? And, should I really be suprized by nada's behavior? No, I shouldn't. It's not anything new, par for the course. > > > > > > She is probably going to spin out of control or give me a huge guilt trip and turn my sister against me. I almost feel like not talking to her at all, but she does need help, but I will only do what I can. > > > > > > Aly > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 23, 2012 Report Share Posted February 23, 2012 Doug, Thank you for sharing your story with me and the group. Stand firm on boundaries with nada -- that's my take away. I know that is hard to do in a FOG, but now that I have young children and husband that I love dearly, I know what matters most to me. I have since reached a mutual understanding with my sister on how to care nada for going forward. Stand firm, objective -- that is what I need to do. Aly Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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