Guest guest Posted July 20, 2011 Report Share Posted July 20, 2011 I was wondering if anyone had suggestions, advice, or can let me know how they handled a similar situation. Since my husband and I are expecting our first child in November (yay), I've been working hard at setting boundaries with my BPD mom. I've also been trying to assert myself and indicate the important of my new family -- husband, our baby, and the inclusion of my in-laws. As is typical, my mom is insanely jealous, and while she knows she shouldn't be upset if my inlaws come to visit or purchase something for the baby, she takes her feelings of hurt and fear of being abandoned out on me, by being unresponsive, cold, and pouty. I've recently confronted her about this, explaining how her actions, made me feel upset and worried about her (although I'm coming to grips with the fact, that I can't " solve " her problems/make her happy). She became very upset and turned the situation into her being a victim, and telling me that no matter what she did, it wasn't right. She didn't act right or say the right things, and that I'm never happy with her because I think everything's her fault. I'm sure you are all familiar with the anger, tears, and general meanness she spewed. I tried rationally explaining, that I didn't think everything was her fault, but it made me sad, that because she's jealous about me spending a small amount of time with my in-laws when we visit for example (she and my in-laws live in the same town, my husband and I live 500 miles away), her cancelling previously made dinner plans with my husband and me, so she can be " sad and alone " makes me feel badly, like I did something wrong. I've told her that I wish we could enjoy the time we do have together, rather than be mad about the time we don't have. I know I'm responsible for my own feelings, but I can't help but feel badly when she plays victim. Anyone have any advice? Thanks in advance! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 20, 2011 Report Share Posted July 20, 2011 trying to explain something rational to an irrational person is futile. instead, the books say to state the facts. no convincing. just, this is going to be the way it works from now on. you can play or you can sit out. your choice.  bpd folks must be center of attention. you're having a baby AND including in-laws? wow, that's a lot of competition for your attention.  the game is changing. you can set the new rules. again, she can stay and play or she can leave and pout (alone). her choice.  Cassie  To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Wednesday, July 20, 2011 11:11 AM Subject: Advice?  I was wondering if anyone had suggestions, advice, or can let me know how they handled a similar situation. Since my husband and I are expecting our first child in November (yay), I've been working hard at setting boundaries with my BPD mom. I've also been trying to assert myself and indicate the important of my new family -- husband, our baby, and the inclusion of my in-laws. As is typical, my mom is insanely jealous, and while she knows she shouldn't be upset if my inlaws come to visit or purchase something for the baby, she takes her feelings of hurt and fear of being abandoned out on me, by being unresponsive, cold, and pouty. I've recently confronted her about this, explaining how her actions, made me feel upset and worried about her (although I'm coming to grips with the fact, that I can't " solve " her problems/make her happy). She became very upset and turned the situation into her being a victim, and telling me that no matter what she did, it wasn't right. She didn't act right or say the right things, and that I'm never happy with her because I think everything's her fault. I'm sure you are all familiar with the anger, tears, and general meanness she spewed. I tried rationally explaining, that I didn't think everything was her fault, but it made me sad, that because she's jealous about me spending a small amount of time with my in-laws when we visit for example (she and my in-laws live in the same town, my husband and I live 500 miles away), her cancelling previously made dinner plans with my husband and me, so she can be " sad and alone " makes me feel badly, like I did something wrong. I've told her that I wish we could enjoy the time we do have together, rather than be mad about the time we don't have. I know I'm responsible for my own feelings, but I can't help but feel badly when she plays victim. Anyone have any advice? Thanks in advance! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 20, 2011 Report Share Posted July 20, 2011 Knowing in theory that you're responsible for your own feelings and not actually feeling bad when someone sets out to make you feel bad are two different things. The other piece of knowledge you need to learn is that you are NOT responsible for her feelings. If you can accept both of those, you'll be on the road to not allowing her behavior to make you feel bad. My advice is to set some rules and figure out a plan for what you're going to do when she breaks them. I'd recommend telling her that the subject is not open for discussion when she indicates that she's upset at your in-laws doing something or when she makes herself out to be the victim. If she continues with it past that point there should be some repercussion that she won't like. The only thing that's ever worked for me when dealing with my nada is to tell her that we're not going to discuss the subject when she starts bad-mouthing other people and then to leave or hang up the phone when she won't stop. (Not being willing to listen to her bad-mouthing people to me is one of my boundaries. Your choices for unacceptable topics may differ.) Rational explanations just don't work when you're dealing with someone who is irrational. I find that thinking about my nada as being like a toddler emotionally helps me to figure out what to do and say. At 12:11 PM 07/20/2011 bgatimetoforgive wrote: >I was wondering if anyone had suggestions, advice, or can let >me know how they handled a similar situation. > >Since my husband and I are expecting our first child in >November (yay), I've been working hard at setting boundaries >with my BPD mom. I've also been trying to assert myself and >indicate the important of my new family -- husband, our baby, >and the inclusion of my in-laws. As is typical, my mom is >insanely jealous, and while she knows she shouldn't be upset if >my inlaws come to visit or purchase something for the baby, she >takes her feelings of hurt and fear of being abandoned out on >me, by being unresponsive, cold, and pouty. > >I've recently confronted her about this, explaining how her >actions, made me feel upset and worried about her (although I'm >coming to grips with the fact, that I can't " solve " her >problems/make her happy). She became very upset and turned the >situation into her being a victim, and telling me that no >matter what she did, it wasn't right. She didn't act right or >say the right things, and that I'm never happy with her because >I think everything's her fault. I'm sure you are all familiar >with the anger, tears, and general meanness she spewed. > >I tried rationally explaining, that I didn't think everything >was her fault, but it made me sad, that because she's jealous >about me spending a small amount of time with my in-laws when >we visit for example (she and my in-laws live in the same town, >my husband and I live 500 miles away), her cancelling >previously made dinner plans with my husband and me, so she can >be " sad and alone " makes me feel badly, like I did something >wrong. I've told her that I wish we could enjoy the time we do >have together, rather than be mad about the time we don't >have. > >I know I'm responsible for my own feelings, but I can't help >but feel badly when she plays victim. Anyone have any advice? >Thanks in advance! -- Katrina Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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