Re: Any advice appreciated

[Guest guest]

Good for you for sticking to your boundary. Especially with your daughter

there.

Have you thought about a third option -- email or text her and thank her for her

apology and then just move on...see her or communicate with her as you normally

would.

I feel like if you talk to her about it...it puts her right back where she wants

to be...the center of attention, calling the shots. But if you go on like

normal after acknowledging that she did the right thing and apologizing, she

won't face her biggest fear...not contact with you. If she uses THE VOICE

again, you can tell her that you have told her not to speak to you like that and

you will not accept that treatment from her...then leave and not contact her for

awhile.

Just a thought. Good luck.

>

> Had to visit Nada yesterday because I needed to talk with a roofing company

about her roof. (I own her house. Yeah, I know, bad idea.)

>

> Anywho, we were having a halfway decent visit when she decided to use her

VOICE on me, as she always does, out of the blue and for no particular good

reason except that I broke one of her arbitrary, petty " rules. "

>

> Well, I wasn't in a good mood yesterday. I hadn't had much sleep. So I turned

around, glared at her and said, in a very firm voice, DON'T YELL AT ME LIKE

THAT. Then I informed her that instead of going to lunch with her, I was going

home that instant. I had my daughter with me. Nada doesn't get to see her

granddaughter very often because I just don't think it's healthy for her to be

around Nada.

>

> For the first time EVER there was an apology on my answering machine when I

got home. Now, of course, I feel like I should call her and work things

out---sort of. I'm torn between two options:

>

> 1) Ignoring her for awhile until I can stomach seeing her again and just

acting like nothing happened

>

> or

>

> 2) Calling her and letting her know that though no one EVER calls her on it,

she's been using THE VOICE on EVERYONE for as long as I have a memory and I for

one will NOT PUT UP WITH IT ANY LONGER. Period.

>

> Thoughts?

>

[Guest guest]

I have to call because she doesn't have a computer or a cell phone.

But you think call, say thank you for the apology and then leave it at that?

> >

> > Had to visit Nada yesterday because I needed to talk with a roofing company

about her roof. (I own her house. Yeah, I know, bad idea.)

> >

> > Anywho, we were having a halfway decent visit when she decided to use her

VOICE on me, as she always does, out of the blue and for no particular good

reason except that I broke one of her arbitrary, petty " rules. "

> >

> > Well, I wasn't in a good mood yesterday. I hadn't had much sleep. So I

turned around, glared at her and said, in a very firm voice, DON'T YELL AT ME

LIKE THAT. Then I informed her that instead of going to lunch with her, I was

going home that instant. I had my daughter with me. Nada doesn't get to see her

granddaughter very often because I just don't think it's healthy for her to be

around Nada.

> >

> > For the first time EVER there was an apology on my answering machine when I

got home. Now, of course, I feel like I should call her and work things

out---sort of. I'm torn between two options:

> >

> > 1) Ignoring her for awhile until I can stomach seeing her again and just

acting like nothing happened

> >

> > or

> >

> > 2) Calling her and letting her know that though no one EVER calls her on it,

she's been using THE VOICE on EVERYONE for as long as I have a memory and I for

one will NOT PUT UP WITH IT ANY LONGER. Period.

> >

> > Thoughts?

> >

>

[Guest guest]

That was very proactive and assertive of you to enforce that very reasonable

boundary: that its not OK for your nada to yell at you, and you left

immediately as the consequence. Excellent! You did well!

Maybe just acknowledge her apology, and that's it.

" Thank you mother, I appreciate it that you realized you hurt my feelings by

yelling at me and apologized. That means a lot to me. I'll talk with you

again about the (house issue) on (X date). Bye for now. "

So, you're giving her positive feedback for doing something adult (apologizing)

but you're also refraining from " working things out " . You're just maintaining

the communication schedule/boundary you've already established.

Just my two cents worth. I think you did great, and it had a positive result!

-Annie

>

> Had to visit Nada yesterday because I needed to talk with a roofing company

about her roof. (I own her house. Yeah, I know, bad idea.)

>

> Anywho, we were having a halfway decent visit when she decided to use her

VOICE on me, as she always does, out of the blue and for no particular good

reason except that I broke one of her arbitrary, petty " rules. "

>

> Well, I wasn't in a good mood yesterday. I hadn't had much sleep. So I turned

around, glared at her and said, in a very firm voice, DON'T YELL AT ME LIKE

THAT. Then I informed her that instead of going to lunch with her, I was going

home that instant. I had my daughter with me. Nada doesn't get to see her

granddaughter very often because I just don't think it's healthy for her to be

around Nada.

>

> For the first time EVER there was an apology on my answering machine when I

got home. Now, of course, I feel like I should call her and work things

out---sort of. I'm torn between two options:

>

> 1) Ignoring her for awhile until I can stomach seeing her again and just

acting like nothing happened

>

> or

>

> 2) Calling her and letting her know that though no one EVER calls her on it,

she's been using THE VOICE on EVERYONE for as long as I have a memory and I for

one will NOT PUT UP WITH IT ANY LONGER. Period.

>

> Thoughts?

>

[Guest guest]

Hmm...

Maybe at the beginning of your next conversation that happens as it normally

would..thank her for her apology...then move on to talking about the roof, her

day, or whatever.

Like I said just a thought...in my experience a call just to thank her for doing

something " normal " like apologizing, leads her into talking about whatever

happened to get her upset in the first place...and for me the situation

escalates. But that's just my experience.

> > >

> > > Had to visit Nada yesterday because I needed to talk with a roofing

company about her roof. (I own her house. Yeah, I know, bad idea.)

> > >

> > > Anywho, we were having a halfway decent visit when she decided to use her

VOICE on me, as she always does, out of the blue and for no particular good

reason except that I broke one of her arbitrary, petty " rules. "

> > >

> > > Well, I wasn't in a good mood yesterday. I hadn't had much sleep. So I

turned around, glared at her and said, in a very firm voice, DON'T YELL AT ME

LIKE THAT. Then I informed her that instead of going to lunch with her, I was

going home that instant. I had my daughter with me. Nada doesn't get to see her

granddaughter very often because I just don't think it's healthy for her to be

around Nada.

> > >

> > > For the first time EVER there was an apology on my answering machine when

I got home. Now, of course, I feel like I should call her and work things

out---sort of. I'm torn between two options:

> > >

> > > 1) Ignoring her for awhile until I can stomach seeing her again and just

acting like nothing happened

> > >

> > > or

> > >

> > > 2) Calling her and letting her know that though no one EVER calls her on

it, she's been using THE VOICE on EVERYONE for as long as I have a memory and I

for one will NOT PUT UP WITH IT ANY LONGER. Period.

> > >

> > > Thoughts?

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Okay, thanks. I really want to go off on her about the VOICE and let her know

that no one likes it though everyone just acts as though it isn't happening. But

that probably wouldn't be prudent.

I'll just call and give a short " thank you " and get off the phone.

She can tell she's losing me, and therefore her granddaughter, and she's

panicked about that, and she's scrambling for reasons that we need to visit, and

yet she still can't manage to treat us well when we do consent to see her. I'm

just so tired of it all. I'm so jealous of those of you whose NADAs have opted

to cut ties with you. I wish mine would leave me the hell alone.

a

> >

> > Had to visit Nada yesterday because I needed to talk with a roofing company

about her roof. (I own her house. Yeah, I know, bad idea.)

> >

> > Anywho, we were having a halfway decent visit when she decided to use her

VOICE on me, as she always does, out of the blue and for no particular good

reason except that I broke one of her arbitrary, petty " rules. "

> >

> > Well, I wasn't in a good mood yesterday. I hadn't had much sleep. So I

turned around, glared at her and said, in a very firm voice, DON'T YELL AT ME

LIKE THAT. Then I informed her that instead of going to lunch with her, I was

going home that instant. I had my daughter with me. Nada doesn't get to see her

granddaughter very often because I just don't think it's healthy for her to be

around Nada.

> >

> > For the first time EVER there was an apology on my answering machine when I

got home. Now, of course, I feel like I should call her and work things

out---sort of. I'm torn between two options:

> >

> > 1) Ignoring her for awhile until I can stomach seeing her again and just

acting like nothing happened

> >

> > or

> >

> > 2) Calling her and letting her know that though no one EVER calls her on it,

she's been using THE VOICE on EVERYONE for as long as I have a memory and I for

one will NOT PUT UP WITH IT ANY LONGER. Period.

> >

> > Thoughts?

> >

>

[Guest guest]

maybe you already made the call. Â i'm just now reading.

i don't think i would say " thank you " for an apology. Â i would either accept or

deny the apology. Â so, for me, saying, " i received your message and i accept

your apology " would be the end of it (until next time....and there's always a

next time)

Â

Â

Cassie

Â

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Wednesday, July 20, 2011 5:59 PM

Subject: Re: Any advice appreciated

Â

Okay, thanks. I really want to go off on her about the VOICE and let her know

that no one likes it though everyone just acts as though it isn't happening. But

that probably wouldn't be prudent.

I'll just call and give a short " thank you " and get off the phone.

She can tell she's losing me, and therefore her granddaughter, and she's

panicked about that, and she's scrambling for reasons that we need to visit, and

yet she still can't manage to treat us well when we do consent to see her. I'm

just so tired of it all. I'm so jealous of those of you whose NADAs have opted

to cut ties with you. I wish mine would leave me the hell alone.

a

> >

> > Had to visit Nada yesterday because I needed to talk with a roofing company

about her roof. (I own her house. Yeah, I know, bad idea.)

> >

> > Anywho, we were having a halfway decent visit when she decided to use her

VOICE on me, as she always does, out of the blue and for no particular good

reason except that I broke one of her arbitrary, petty " rules. "

> >

> > Well, I wasn't in a good mood yesterday. I hadn't had much sleep. So I

turned around, glared at her and said, in a very firm voice, DON'T YELL AT ME

LIKE THAT. Then I informed her that instead of going to lunch with her, I was

going home that instant. I had my daughter with me. Nada doesn't get to see her

granddaughter very often because I just don't think it's healthy for her to be

around Nada.

> >

> > For the first time EVER there was an apology on my answering machine when I

got home. Now, of course, I feel like I should call her and work things

out---sort of. I'm torn between two options:

> >

> > 1) Ignoring her for awhile until I can stomach seeing her again and just

acting like nothing happened

> >

> > or

> >

> > 2) Calling her and letting her know that though no one EVER calls her on it,

she's been using THE VOICE on EVERYONE for as long as I have a memory and I for

one will NOT PUT UP WITH IT ANY LONGER. Period.

> >

> > Thoughts?

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Amber,

I like option #2, continue the discussion, esp since she apologized. That's

huge. Good for you for not taking it!

Of course, that's just my opinion; you need to do what's necessary to protect

yourself and your daughter. I think you did great!

Fiona

>

> Had to visit Nada yesterday because I needed to talk with a roofing company

about her roof. (I own her house. Yeah, I know, bad idea.)

>

> Anywho, we were having a halfway decent visit when she decided to use her

VOICE on me, as she always does, out of the blue and for no particular good

reason except that I broke one of her arbitrary, petty " rules. "

>

> Well, I wasn't in a good mood yesterday. I hadn't had much sleep. So I turned

around, glared at her and said, in a very firm voice, DON'T YELL AT ME LIKE

THAT. Then I informed her that instead of going to lunch with her, I was going

home that instant. I had my daughter with me. Nada doesn't get to see her

granddaughter very often because I just don't think it's healthy for her to be

around Nada.

>

> For the first time EVER there was an apology on my answering machine when I

got home. Now, of course, I feel like I should call her and work things

out---sort of. I'm torn between two options:

>

> 1) Ignoring her for awhile until I can stomach seeing her again and just

acting like nothing happened

>

> or

>

> 2) Calling her and letting her know that though no one EVER calls her on it,

she's been using THE VOICE on EVERYONE for as long as I have a memory and I for

one will NOT PUT UP WITH IT ANY LONGER. Period.

>

> Thoughts?

>

[Guest guest]

I'd like to suggest a third option, which is to ignore it for a while until you

can stomach seeing her again, and then re-assessing your options. Right now you

might consider just processing your feelings and giving yourself time to do

that. That's a normal thing for a person to do when they're angry. I did that

when I had my final blowup with nada/fada. Initially there was an apology, but I

wasn't ready to discuss the matter with them yet because I was still upset. Less

than 24 hours later there was a message on my machine questioning my

intelligence and wondering what kind of person would " demean their mother " like

I did, when all I had done was confront her on being mean to my kids. It was

their reaction to my non-reaction that convinced me that they were incapable of

participating in a relationship in a way that valued me in a minimally

acceptable way. Just a thought.

>

> Had to visit Nada yesterday because I needed to talk with a roofing company

about her roof. (I own her house. Yeah, I know, bad idea.)

>

> Anywho, we were having a halfway decent visit when she decided to use her

VOICE on me, as she always does, out of the blue and for no particular good

reason except that I broke one of her arbitrary, petty " rules. "

>

> Well, I wasn't in a good mood yesterday. I hadn't had much sleep. So I turned

around, glared at her and said, in a very firm voice, DON'T YELL AT ME LIKE

THAT. Then I informed her that instead of going to lunch with her, I was going

home that instant. I had my daughter with me. Nada doesn't get to see her

granddaughter very often because I just don't think it's healthy for her to be

around Nada.

>

> For the first time EVER there was an apology on my answering machine when I

got home. Now, of course, I feel like I should call her and work things

out---sort of. I'm torn between two options:

>

> 1) Ignoring her for awhile until I can stomach seeing her again and just

acting like nothing happened

>

> or

>

> 2) Calling her and letting her know that though no one EVER calls her on it,

she's been using THE VOICE on EVERYONE for as long as I have a memory and I for

one will NOT PUT UP WITH IT ANY LONGER. Period.

>

> Thoughts?

>

[Guest guest]

I just worry if you go out of your way to 'reward' her for proper behavior,

instead of learning something she will decide it is another way she can

manipulate you in the future.

>

> Had to visit Nada yesterday because I needed to talk with a roofing company

about her roof. (I own her house. Yeah, I know, bad idea.)

>

> Anywho, we were having a halfway decent visit when she decided to use her

VOICE on me, as she always does, out of the blue and for no particular good

reason except that I broke one of her arbitrary, petty " rules. "

>

> Well, I wasn't in a good mood yesterday. I hadn't had much sleep. So I turned

around, glared at her and said, in a very firm voice, DON'T YELL AT ME LIKE

THAT. Then I informed her that instead of going to lunch with her, I was going

home that instant. I had my daughter with me. Nada doesn't get to see her

granddaughter very often because I just don't think it's healthy for her to be

around Nada.

>

> For the first time EVER there was an apology on my answering machine when I

got home. Now, of course, I feel like I should call her and work things

out---sort of. I'm torn between two options:

>

> 1) Ignoring her for awhile until I can stomach seeing her again and just

acting like nothing happened

>

> or

>

> 2) Calling her and letting her know that though no one EVER calls her on it,

she's been using THE VOICE on EVERYONE for as long as I have a memory and I for

one will NOT PUT UP WITH IT ANY LONGER. Period.

>

> Thoughts?

>

[Guest guest]

Option 2; I would first state " mom, I love you, but I must tell you,

anytime in the future that you use " the voice " , I will remove myself from the

situation. "

Laurie

In a message dated 7/21/2011 8:32:20 A.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

hermitsdaughter@... writes:

Amber,

I like option #2, continue the discussion, esp since she apologized.

That's huge. Good for you for not taking it!

Of course, that's just my opinion; you need to do what's necessary to

protect yourself and your daughter. I think you did great!

Fiona

>

> Had to visit Nada yesterday because I needed to talk with a roofing

company about her roof. (I own her house. Yeah, I know, bad idea.)

>

> Anywho, we were having a halfway decent visit when she decided to use

her VOICE on me, as she always does, out of the blue and for no particular

good reason except that I broke one of her arbitrary, petty " rules. "

>

> Well, I wasn't in a good mood yesterday. I hadn't had much sleep. So I

turned around, glared at her and said, in a very firm voice, DON'T YELL AT

ME LIKE THAT. Then I informed her that instead of going to lunch with her, I

was going home that instant. I had my daughter with me. Nada doesn't get

to see her granddaughter very often because I just don't think it's healthy

for her to be around Nada.

>

> For the first time EVER there was an apology on my answering machine

when I got home. Now, of course, I feel like I should call her and work things

out---sort of. I'm torn between two options:

>

> 1) Ignoring her for awhile until I can stomach seeing her again and just

acting like nothing happened

>

> or

>

> 2) Calling her and letting her know that though no one EVER calls her on

it, she's been using THE VOICE on EVERYONE for as long as I have a memory

and I for one will NOT PUT UP WITH IT ANY LONGER. Period.

>

> Thoughts?

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks again, everyone!

I called her, told her " thank you for apologizing " to which she replied " You're

welcome, " which I thought was better than what I would've done in the past,

which would to be to apologize and explain that I hadn't had much sleep.

Anyway, we moved past it really quickly and it was a short conversation.

Who knows if it was the right thing to do? It got me off the phone, though.

> >

> > Had to visit Nada yesterday because I needed to talk with a roofing

> company about her roof. (I own her house. Yeah, I know, bad idea.)

> >

> > Anywho, we were having a halfway decent visit when she decided to use

> her VOICE on me, as she always does, out of the blue and for no particular

> good reason except that I broke one of her arbitrary, petty " rules. "

> >

> > Well, I wasn't in a good mood yesterday. I hadn't had much sleep. So I

> turned around, glared at her and said, in a very firm voice, DON'T YELL AT

> ME LIKE THAT. Then I informed her that instead of going to lunch with her, I

> was going home that instant. I had my daughter with me. Nada doesn't get

> to see her granddaughter very often because I just don't think it's healthy

> for her to be around Nada.

> >

> > For the first time EVER there was an apology on my answering machine

> when I got home. Now, of course, I feel like I should call her and work

things

> out---sort of. I'm torn between two options:

> >

> > 1) Ignoring her for awhile until I can stomach seeing her again and just

> acting like nothing happened

> >

> > or

> >

> > 2) Calling her and letting her know that though no one EVER calls her on

> it, she's been using THE VOICE on EVERYONE for as long as I have a memory

> and I for one will NOT PUT UP WITH IT ANY LONGER. Period.

> >

> > Thoughts?

> >

>

>

>

>

>

>

>