What do your children think of their grandmother (your nada)?

[Guest guest]

I have been NC with nada for a few weeks due to the last blow up. I'm not sure

if it will stay this way, as I always find myself getting sucked back in. My

concern now is for my son...I don't know what level of involvement with his

grandma is best for him.

When I was little she ruled by fear. I knew she was capable of doing violent

scary things so I was always waiting for her to turn into the witch. When I see

her taking my nephews into the bathroom to give them a " talking to " when they

misbehave, it gives me chills because I remember those talks myself. I want my

son to be disciplined with love, not with the threat of pain. She is scatter

brained and forgetful...she is always locking her keys in her car, she even

locked my infant son in the car while she was supposed to be watching him. She

is stressful to be around...she is like a tornado. When you are around her you

are stressed out, when she leaves you feel relieved. What is that going to be

like when my son is older and spends the day with grandma?

My first reaction is for my son to never be around her but is this fair to him?

Will he grow up once day and be angry with me that I prevented him from having a

relationship with her?

When he's older should I tell him why I made that choice, and what I

experienced? I don't know if I want to share dark painful memories with him - I

don't want him to feel that pain.

I'm really interested in hearing from other women with BPD nadas, and how they

have handled it with their own kids. Especially kids who have reached

adolescence...I think this is the age when they are capable of knowing the

truth.

Kim

[Guest guest]

I really wish I had not allowed my nada to spend as much time with my son as I

did. Her bad behaviour with him started when he was just a toddler. Now that he

is almost a teen and has his own interests she resents it and treats him

accordingly and I am now having to explain this stuff to him. It really sucks,

because in many ways, she was the only grandparent that really made an effort to

be involved in his life and spend time with him. My late husband's parents

really didn't put forth much effort and my dad tried, but alcoholics are selfish

and self centered by nature. He loves him but... Now that nada is getting testy

with him about not wanting to do things that he likes and he doesn't want to do

the things that she likes she is not as loving toward him. Even less than a week

after his dad died, she was more interested in satisfying her own needs than

seeing to his, and trust me, he noticed. She was just hateful and even tho he

acted like he didn't hear her, when I asked him about her behaviour later, the

sad look on his face spoke volumes.

Even if you don't think that you need to, I now wish that I had not allowed my

son to be as close to nada as I did and saved him from her hurtful behaviour

now. I know some might say, why not let them have a realationship while she is

" good " with them, but then doesn't it make it that much worse when they

eventually turn from loving grandma into grandnada? All I am saying is that if

you are not willing and able to be there to filter your nada's behaviour and

remove your child if she is being inappropriate then how can you trust that she

really isn't doing any damage?

C

>

> I have been NC with nada for a few weeks due to the last blow up. I'm not sure

if it will stay this way, as I always find myself getting sucked back in. My

concern now is for my son...I don't know what level of involvement with his

grandma is best for him.

>

> When I was little she ruled by fear. I knew she was capable of doing violent

scary things so I was always waiting for her to turn into the witch. When I see

her taking my nephews into the bathroom to give them a " talking to " when they

misbehave, it gives me chills because I remember those talks myself. I want my

son to be disciplined with love, not with the threat of pain. She is scatter

brained and forgetful...she is always locking her keys in her car, she even

locked my infant son in the car while she was supposed to be watching him. She

is stressful to be around...she is like a tornado. When you are around her you

are stressed out, when she leaves you feel relieved. What is that going to be

like when my son is older and spends the day with grandma?

>

> My first reaction is for my son to never be around her but is this fair to

him? Will he grow up once day and be angry with me that I prevented him from

having a relationship with her?

>

> When he's older should I tell him why I made that choice, and what I

experienced? I don't know if I want to share dark painful memories with him - I

don't want him to feel that pain.

>

> I'm really interested in hearing from other women with BPD nadas, and how they

have handled it with their own kids. Especially kids who have reached

adolescence...I think this is the age when they are capable of knowing the

truth.

>

>

> Kim

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Kim

I've been LC with my FOO for a long time and because of the crazy have never

left my kids with them. So all visits have been with me there. We have kept this

rule with my husbands family as well to make sure that we cannot be accused of

favoritism although my MIL comes down and stays at our house (my FOO would never

do that) so we can have the occasional night out.

My kids are pre-teens and have seen the way my FOO acts. 18mths ago they came to

the conclusion themselves that my FOO were a bunch of bullies and that they

didn't want to be around them. My kids have experienced some bullying at school

and we have done a lot of work with them regarding acceptable and unacceptable

behaviour toward other people which I think helped.

We have told them that the FOO are not well mentally and don't realise how their

behaviour hurts others. We have also told them that if they want to see them we

will make it happen but they have decided that they don't (much to my relief).

What it basically came down to for me is that I didn't trust my FOO to care for

my children (there were any number of small incidents that reinforced that

belief) so I supervised all contact.

LT

>

> I have been NC with nada for a few weeks due to the last blow up. I'm not sure

if it will stay this way, as I always find myself getting sucked back in. My

concern now is for my son...I don't know what level of involvement with his

grandma is best for him.

>

> When I was little she ruled by fear. I knew she was capable of doing violent

scary things so I was always waiting for her to turn into the witch. When I see

her taking my nephews into the bathroom to give them a " talking to " when they

misbehave, it gives me chills because I remember those talks myself. I want my

son to be disciplined with love, not with the threat of pain. She is scatter

brained and forgetful...she is always locking her keys in her car, she even

locked my infant son in the car while she was supposed to be watching him. She

is stressful to be around...she is like a tornado. When you are around her you

are stressed out, when she leaves you feel relieved. What is that going to be

like when my son is older and spends the day with grandma?

>

> My first reaction is for my son to never be around her but is this fair to

him? Will he grow up once day and be angry with me that I prevented him from

having a relationship with her?

>

> When he's older should I tell him why I made that choice, and what I

experienced? I don't know if I want to share dark painful memories with him - I

don't want him to feel that pain.

>

> I'm really interested in hearing from other women with BPD nadas, and how they

have handled it with their own kids. Especially kids who have reached

adolescence...I think this is the age when they are capable of knowing the

truth.

>

>

> Kim

>

[Guest guest]

Hi there,

Wow, your description of your nada is sooo much like mine. The stress, the

fear, the tension, it's so contagious. Being with her is stressful, so I limit

the time we spend together.

I have a 14 yo daughter who my nada watched for me for the first 5 years of her

life. They were pretty tight.

Now that my daughter's a teen, I let her decide how much time she wants to spend

with nada. My nada is a hermity/waify type. She instills fear in others and

panic as well. My daughter (I'll call her Mia), though, loves nada, but is

irritated by what she calls her " nagginess. " Nada interrogates her when I'm not

around and starts " coaching " Mia on being careful with boys and when she walks

to the library alone, etc. What Mia really hates is that she (Mia) will try to

talk to nada about stuff that she likes (music, books, tv shows) and nada just

constantly interrupts her with stuff like " why is your shirt wrinkled? " , or

" sweetie, don't chew like that... " SO...Mia used to sleep over with nada like

every other week and finally begged me to not send her back, nada was just

driving her nuts. Mia was very close to my mother in law and could confide in

her; sometimes I feel jealous that she can't have that same relationship with my

nada. But why should I expect her to have what I didnt' have with nada, right?

We do visit nada once or twice a month, but those visits are nada babbling on

and on while the kids watch some loud tv show. I take a few Advil before those

visits.

You mentioned what should you tell your son about your past with nada. It's

interesting, I haven't gone into a lot of detail with Mia about my upbringing

with nada (which, like yours, my nada was more witchy in her youth) but Mia

TOTALLY senses how upset I get when the phone rings and it's her, she sees how

tense I am around her, my body language screams it. I think your son will

figure it out on his own, to an extent. I haven't gone into detail with Mia

because I don't want to color her view of nada, but I don't think I need to say

very much.

I also have a 7 yo who likes nada...but has begun to notice nada's weirdness.

I've had to shield her more from nada. She's my adorable baby girl and she's a

little chubby and nada's made comments about it to my daughter ( " another

cupcake??! " {grimace}). The last time she did, we went NC for a month and I made

it clear to nada that it would happen again if she even dared to go there again.

I agree with you that it's a tough place, knowing how much to keep them from

her.

With my nada -- she's not given to addiction, she's not overtly cruel or mean,

she's more weird and needy and fearful, phobic, and anxious; so it's not that I

feel she's going to hurt my girls physically or sexually. It's more the

emotional toll I'm concerned with, but that's plenty on its own.

Best wishes to you; I know you'll do the best thing in your son's interest and

you sound like a great mom.

Fiona

>

> I have been NC with nada for a few weeks due to the last blow up. I'm not sure

if it will stay this way, as I always find myself getting sucked back in. My

concern now is for my son...I don't know what level of involvement with his

grandma is best for him.

>

> When I was little she ruled by fear. I knew she was capable of doing violent

scary things so I was always waiting for her to turn into the witch. When I see

her taking my nephews into the bathroom to give them a " talking to " when they

misbehave, it gives me chills because I remember those talks myself. I want my

son to be disciplined with love, not with the threat of pain. She is scatter

brained and forgetful...she is always locking her keys in her car, she even

locked my infant son in the car while she was supposed to be watching him. She

is stressful to be around...she is like a tornado. When you are around her you

are stressed out, when she leaves you feel relieved. What is that going to be

like when my son is older and spends the day with grandma?

>

> My first reaction is for my son to never be around her but is this fair to

him? Will he grow up once day and be angry with me that I prevented him from

having a relationship with her?

>

> When he's older should I tell him why I made that choice, and what I

experienced? I don't know if I want to share dark painful memories with him - I

don't want him to feel that pain.

>

> I'm really interested in hearing from other women with BPD nadas, and how they

have handled it with their own kids. Especially kids who have reached

adolescence...I think this is the age when they are capable of knowing the

truth.

>

>

> Kim

>

[Guest guest]

Fiona,

The chubby thing, yes, that one was one that I jumped my nada about. I'm still

not sure what she said, but my son, then 10 came to me very upset that nada had

said something that made him feel bad about his weight. He does tend toward a

little overweight, but not bad, All I have to do is go up into the Husky of what

ever size he would normally wear. His dad was like this too. It is pretty ironic

considering nada has been cramming her size 16/18 butt into size 12/14's for the

past three years. And she wonders why she has digestion issues.

C

> >

> > I have been NC with nada for a few weeks due to the last blow up. I'm not

sure if it will stay this way, as I always find myself getting sucked back in.

My concern now is for my son...I don't know what level of involvement with his

grandma is best for him.

> >

> > When I was little she ruled by fear. I knew she was capable of doing violent

scary things so I was always waiting for her to turn into the witch. When I see

her taking my nephews into the bathroom to give them a " talking to " when they

misbehave, it gives me chills because I remember those talks myself. I want my

son to be disciplined with love, not with the threat of pain. She is scatter

brained and forgetful...she is always locking her keys in her car, she even

locked my infant son in the car while she was supposed to be watching him. She

is stressful to be around...she is like a tornado. When you are around her you

are stressed out, when she leaves you feel relieved. What is that going to be

like when my son is older and spends the day with grandma?

> >

> > My first reaction is for my son to never be around her but is this fair to

him? Will he grow up once day and be angry with me that I prevented him from

having a relationship with her?

> >

> > When he's older should I tell him why I made that choice, and what I

experienced? I don't know if I want to share dark painful memories with him - I

don't want him to feel that pain.

> >

> > I'm really interested in hearing from other women with BPD nadas, and how

they have handled it with their own kids. Especially kids who have reached

adolescence...I think this is the age when they are capable of knowing the

truth.

> >

> >

> > Kim

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hi CmBfree,

About what our nadas say to our kids about their weight, as svashtka said to

someone else about something else, I wonder if they (our nadas) are projecting

their self-loathing about their own weight issues onto their grandchildren. Of

course, this is unacceptable.

My parents made comments to me about my weight ALL my life, and totally allowed

anyone who wanted to, to take potshots at me as well. They never, ever, ever

defended me or said, " please leave her alone. " They would agree with them and

laugh. (I see now that it was their sick people-pleasing that made them allow

others to have that kind of access to me, verbally.)

So, I'm sure nada expected me to allow her that same " privilege " of insulting my

kids. I made it clear to her that not only could she NOT say things about my 7

yo's weight to her, but she can NOT praise my 14 yo's slenderness. It even makes

my 14 yo uncomfortable. What she's telling my 14yo without saying it is you're

only acceptable to me when you're slender, not when you're chubby like your

sister here.

> > >

> > > I have been NC with nada for a few weeks due to the last blow up. I'm not

sure if it will stay this way, as I always find myself getting sucked back in.

My concern now is for my son...I don't know what level of involvement with his

grandma is best for him.

> > >

> > > When I was little she ruled by fear. I knew she was capable of doing

violent scary things so I was always waiting for her to turn into the witch.

When I see her taking my nephews into the bathroom to give them a " talking to "

when they misbehave, it gives me chills because I remember those talks myself. I

want my son to be disciplined with love, not with the threat of pain. She is

scatter brained and forgetful...she is always locking her keys in her car, she

even locked my infant son in the car while she was supposed to be watching him.

She is stressful to be around...she is like a tornado. When you are around her

you are stressed out, when she leaves you feel relieved. What is that going to

be like when my son is older and spends the day with grandma?

> > >

> > > My first reaction is for my son to never be around her but is this fair to

him? Will he grow up once day and be angry with me that I prevented him from

having a relationship with her?

> > >

> > > When he's older should I tell him why I made that choice, and what I

experienced? I don't know if I want to share dark painful memories with him - I

don't want him to feel that pain.

> > >

> > > I'm really interested in hearing from other women with BPD nadas, and how

they have handled it with their own kids. Especially kids who have reached

adolescence...I think this is the age when they are capable of knowing the

truth.

> > >

> > >

> > > Kim

> > >

> >

>