How do you walk away from a text?

[Guest guest]

Hi everyone. I know this is a group for adult children of BPD parents but I was

hoping I could slip in a quick BPD sibling discussion too (I have a nada too).

My eldest sister and I used to be really close. I was her perfect reflection and

looked up to her so much. Everyone always said how similar we were and I loved

it! I wanted to be her. When I began to individuate about 7 years ago, she

started to get mad at me for seemingly no reason. It got really bad when my

boyfriend (now fiance) and I moved in with her briefly while we were looking for

our own place in a new state. It was like our relationship was completely gone

and she would attack me or ignore me at random. She seemed to hate everything

that I did (e.g., going to get my doctorate, having a serious relationship,

being " fake " ). Its been especially bad since I got engaged (she was single until

a month ago when she moved in with a man that none of us had ever heard of until

about a month before). What she tends to target me the post about is money. My

parents have always been very generous with money and have helped me and my

siblings when we needed it. I have had a job since I was 16 and have always

tried to contribute and pull my own weight. As objective as I can be (and

including what I have heard directly from my parents and two other siblings), I

believe that I have tried the most out of any of us to take care of myself. That

being said, I am still finishing up my doctorate and dont make a full salary yet

so I recieve help from my parents on a few bills. For the record, my BP sister

(and other siblings take money from my parents too). At what seems to be random

times, she will text me or call me and start raging at me about how selfish I am

and berates my fiance for not supporting me or tells me to live within my means.

Its always confusing to me because whenever I try to talk to my parents about

it, they are like, what is she talking about, she asks us for money all the

time. The last time she raged at me about this, my brother actually told me that

she had just asked my mom for money that day. Anyway, i used to try to defend

myself and explain why I still needed help from them financially and what my

plan was for being independent soon but that never stops her. I have discussed

this with my parents and with the exception of when my nada occasionally

threatens to cut me off finanically, they both say that they are comfortable

with helping me as they are. Right or wrong it seems to be an issue for me and

my parents, not for my BP sister.

So, tonight, I got about 10 texts from her raging about how selfish I am and

that's why she has been distant from me in the last several years. She told me

to do something selfless for once and stop taking money from them. I know I have

to own my part in this and to that end I am aware that I do not like needing to

rely on my parents. So my question is 2 fold: 1) how do I respond to her raging

texts especially since I agree with part of what she is saying and 2) how do I

deal with rageful texts in general when it seems to give people full permission

to unload everything they want without consequences? Any help would be greatly

appreciated. Thank you group.

[Guest guest]

Sounds like your sister may be projecting her own self-loathing onto you. Either

that, or she wants you to stop taking money from your parents so they can give

more to her. How dare you have needs of your own! *eyeroll*

How to deal with rageful texts? Personally--and this is just me--I'd either

1)not respond at all and then stop reading texts from that person or 2)reply

that I will not be raged at and if it continues the rager will be blocked from

sending me text in future. It sounds like you need to set a boundary with your

sister about what is appropriate for her to talk to you about. She is not your

parent and has no business telling you how to live your life, IMO. If you don't

like her doing that, tell her, and then hang up or walk away if she starts.

Sveta

[Guest guest]

I think you've hit the nail on the head when you say the money

is an issue between you and your parents. Your sister has no

place in that issue. I don't think there's any point to

respondng to her texts. Doing so acknowledges that she has some

right to be interfering in something that is really none of her

business and nothing you say is going to change her mind or her

behavior anyway. I doubt that this has anything to do with her

being concerned for your parents well being. She might be

jealous of you. Maybe she thinks they'd give her more money if

they weren't helping you at all. Maybe she's just projecting her

feelings about herself onto you. Maybe she just sees it as a way

to upset you and is playing on your sense of guilt. If you can't

just ignore her texts, I'd recommend blocking them so that they

never get to you. I wouldn't say anything to her about it. The

only way to win the games that BPDs play is to not engage in

playing the games at all.

At 01:44 AM 02/25/2012 tucket720 wrote:

>Hi everyone. I know this is a group for adult children of BPD

>parents but I was hoping I could slip in a quick BPD sibling

>discussion too (I have a nada too).

>

>My eldest sister and I used to be really close. I was her

>perfect reflection and looked up to her so much. Everyone

>always said how similar we were and I loved it! I wanted to be

>her. When I began to individuate about 7 years ago, she started

>to get mad at me for seemingly no reason. It got really bad

>when my boyfriend (now fiance) and I moved in with her briefly

>while we were looking for our own place in a new state. It was

>like our relationship was completely gone and she would attack

>me or ignore me at random. She seemed to hate everything that I

>did (e.g., going to get my doctorate, having a serious

>relationship, being " fake " ). Its been especially bad since I

>got engaged (she was single until a month ago when she moved in

>with a man that none of us had ever heard of until about a

>month before). What she tends to target me the post about is

>money. My parents have always been very generous with money and

>have helped me and my siblings when we needed it. I have had a

>job since I was 16 and have always tried to contribute and pull

>my own weight. As objective as I can be (and including what I

>have heard directly from my parents and two other siblings), I

>believe that I have tried the most out of any of us to take

>care of myself. That being said, I am still finishing up my

>doctorate and dont make a full salary yet so I recieve help

>from my parents on a few bills. For the record, my BP sister

>(and other siblings take money from my parents too). At what

>seems to be random times, she will text me or call me and start

>raging at me about how selfish I am and berates my fiance for

>not supporting me or tells me to live within my means. Its

>always confusing to me because whenever I try to talk to my

>parents about it, they are like, what is she talking about, she

>asks us for money all the time. The last time she raged at me

>about this, my brother actually told me that she had just asked

>my mom for money that day. Anyway, i used to try to defend

>myself and explain why I still needed help from them

>financially and what my plan was for being independent soon but

>that never stops her. I have discussed this with my parents and

>with the exception of when my nada occasionally threatens to

>cut me off finanically, they both say that they are comfortable

>with helping me as they are. Right or wrong it seems to be an

>issue for me and my parents, not for my BP sister.

>

>So, tonight, I got about 10 texts from her raging about how

>selfish I am and that's why she has been distant from me in the

>last several years. She told me to do something selfless for

>once and stop taking money from them. I know I have to own my

>part in this and to that end I am aware that I do not like

>needing to rely on my parents. So my question is 2 fold: 1) how

>do I respond to her raging texts especially since I agree with

>part of what she is saying and 2) how do I deal with rageful

>texts in general when it seems to give people full permission

>to unload everything they want without consequences? Any help

>would be greatly appreciated. Thank you group.

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

My position on this is that you do not have to even respond to a hostile,

accusatory text from anyone, even a relative. Its OK to ignore it: just delete

the message without reading it.

It sounds to me like your sister could be showing moderate to severe behaviors

of borderline pd and has targeted you as " all bad. " You didn't cause her to be

mentally ill, and you can't cure her. You are not responsible for how she feels

about you; her feelings are her own to carry. Its not possible for you to

reason with her, because she is perceiving, interpreting, and thinking

irrationally. You can't have a rational discussion with an irrational person.

My suggestion for you is to read up about setting boundaries and read up about

codependency; you'll read that its OK and even necessary to have reasonable

adult boundaries with one's parents and siblings even if there is no mental

illness issue involved. There are a lot of good books out there now about

setting boundaries; check out the reading list of this Group. I believe " Stop

Walking On Eggshells " has some chapters on boundary-setting, and Randi's newer

book does too, I think: " The Essential Family Guide to BPD " .

An example of boundary setting: if your sister phones you to yell at you and

accuse you of doing bad / selfish things, then you can very calmly and politely

say something like,

" Honey, I will not listen to you when you yell at me / accuse me of things I

didn't do or say / call me or my fiancé ugly names / etc. I hear that you are

upset now, so we can talk again later when you are calm. I'm hanging up now.

'Bye. " Repeat like a broken record each time she phones you to launch into

verbal abuse or irrational accusations.

Take the position that you are actually dealing with a small child who is having

a tantrum; you are the adult, and nothing this two year old says can hurt you.

If your sister has particular themes that she harps on (due to her borderline pd

or obsessional thinking) such as " you are selfish and greedy to take money from

our parents " you can calmly and politely say something like, " Sweetie, I believe

we have had this discussion before, so I'm not going to discuss it with you

again. Is there something else you wanted to talk to me about? No? Then I

have a great deal of stuff that needs doing now. I'll talk to you later. 'Bye. "

Again, repeat this like a broken record each time she brings up topics you do

not wish to discuss with her again.

Bottom line: when it becomes clear that your loved one, your parent or sibling,

is truly mentally ill and rather irrational, then YOU have to take control of

the relationship and set the rules.

It requires a shift in your perspective RE your position in the relationship.

You have the power and the right to do this, if your sister (or any other adult,

really) is unable to behave as a rational adult.

Its not easy, but, in my opinion that is what it boils down to. And what I

outlined above is a way to shift your position into the adult " manager " role in

the relationship in as kind and gentle a way as possible while being firm, if

you do and say these things with love.

-Annie

>

> Hi everyone. I know this is a group for adult children of BPD parents but I

was hoping I could slip in a quick BPD sibling discussion too (I have a nada

too).

>

> My eldest sister and I used to be really close. I was her perfect reflection

and looked up to her so much. Everyone always said how similar we were and I

loved it! I wanted to be her. When I began to individuate about 7 years ago, she

started to get mad at me for seemingly no reason. It got really bad when my

boyfriend (now fiance) and I moved in with her briefly while we were looking for

our own place in a new state. It was like our relationship was completely gone

and she would attack me or ignore me at random. She seemed to hate everything

that I did (e.g., going to get my doctorate, having a serious relationship,

being " fake " ). Its been especially bad since I got engaged (she was single until

a month ago when she moved in with a man that none of us had ever heard of until

about a month before). What she tends to target me the post about is money. My

parents have always been very generous with money and have helped me and my

siblings when we needed it. I have had a job since I was 16 and have always

tried to contribute and pull my own weight. As objective as I can be (and

including what I have heard directly from my parents and two other siblings), I

believe that I have tried the most out of any of us to take care of myself. That

being said, I am still finishing up my doctorate and dont make a full salary yet

so I recieve help from my parents on a few bills. For the record, my BP sister

(and other siblings take money from my parents too). At what seems to be random

times, she will text me or call me and start raging at me about how selfish I am

and berates my fiance for not supporting me or tells me to live within my means.

Its always confusing to me because whenever I try to talk to my parents about

it, they are like, what is she talking about, she asks us for money all the

time. The last time she raged at me about this, my brother actually told me that

she had just asked my mom for money that day. Anyway, i used to try to defend

myself and explain why I still needed help from them financially and what my

plan was for being independent soon but that never stops her. I have discussed

this with my parents and with the exception of when my nada occasionally

threatens to cut me off finanically, they both say that they are comfortable

with helping me as they are. Right or wrong it seems to be an issue for me and

my parents, not for my BP sister.

>

> So, tonight, I got about 10 texts from her raging about how selfish I am and

that's why she has been distant from me in the last several years. She told me

to do something selfless for once and stop taking money from them. I know I have

to own my part in this and to that end I am aware that I do not like needing to

rely on my parents. So my question is 2 fold: 1) how do I respond to her raging

texts especially since I agree with part of what she is saying and 2) how do I

deal with rageful texts in general when it seems to give people full permission

to unload everything they want without consequences? Any help would be greatly

appreciated. Thank you group.

>

[Guest guest]

I would like to echo Annie's suggestions and also say that even if she doesn't

have a PD, it is a good idea to set up these boundaries and make them clear. I

have found that a lot of people in today's society don't understand proper

boundaries, and it's up to you to set and keep them, not them, because they will

always try to break them, no matter what.

If she sends you hate-texts, then ignore them or have her number blocked so you

don't even have to read them. It's like hate mail, you shouldn't even open it. I

would flat out tell her that the financial arrangement you have with your

parents is between you and them and is none of her business, and under no

circumstance will you discuss it with her. And maybe you don't even need to tell

her that, maybe you just need to start reinforcing it, as Annie said. Any time

she starts to bring it up, shut her down and say you won't discuss it. If she

continues, cut her off and say " bye now " or leave the room if it's in person.

Good luck!

> >

> > Hi everyone. I know this is a group for adult children of BPD parents but I

was hoping I could slip in a quick BPD sibling discussion too (I have a nada

too).

> >

> > My eldest sister and I used to be really close. I was her perfect reflection

and looked up to her so much. Everyone always said how similar we were and I

loved it! I wanted to be her. When I began to individuate about 7 years ago, she

started to get mad at me for seemingly no reason. It got really bad when my

boyfriend (now fiance) and I moved in with her briefly while we were looking for

our own place in a new state. It was like our relationship was completely gone

and she would attack me or ignore me at random. She seemed to hate everything

that I did (e.g., going to get my doctorate, having a serious relationship,

being " fake " ). Its been especially bad since I got engaged (she was single until

a month ago when she moved in with a man that none of us had ever heard of until

about a month before). What she tends to target me the post about is money. My

parents have always been very generous with money and have helped me and my

siblings when we needed it. I have had a job since I was 16 and have always

tried to contribute and pull my own weight. As objective as I can be (and

including what I have heard directly from my parents and two other siblings), I

believe that I have tried the most out of any of us to take care of myself. That

being said, I am still finishing up my doctorate and dont make a full salary yet

so I recieve help from my parents on a few bills. For the record, my BP sister

(and other siblings take money from my parents too). At what seems to be random

times, she will text me or call me and start raging at me about how selfish I am

and berates my fiance for not supporting me or tells me to live within my means.

Its always confusing to me because whenever I try to talk to my parents about

it, they are like, what is she talking about, she asks us for money all the

time. The last time she raged at me about this, my brother actually told me that

she had just asked my mom for money that day. Anyway, i used to try to defend

myself and explain why I still needed help from them financially and what my

plan was for being independent soon but that never stops her. I have discussed

this with my parents and with the exception of when my nada occasionally

threatens to cut me off finanically, they both say that they are comfortable

with helping me as they are. Right or wrong it seems to be an issue for me and

my parents, not for my BP sister.

> >

> > So, tonight, I got about 10 texts from her raging about how selfish I am and

that's why she has been distant from me in the last several years. She told me

to do something selfless for once and stop taking money from them. I know I have

to own my part in this and to that end I am aware that I do not like needing to

rely on my parents. So my question is 2 fold: 1) how do I respond to her raging

texts especially since I agree with part of what she is saying and 2) how do I

deal with rageful texts in general when it seems to give people full permission

to unload everything they want without consequences? Any help would be greatly

appreciated. Thank you group.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

The best way to respond to a person raging is to walk away from it if

you can do so safely. You do not argue, and especially you do not

argue with a bp. Block her texts if you can. If not, delete them

without reading them, so they become raindrops on your tin roof: a bit

of noise but no harm.

You are correct that these are discussions proper for you and your

parents, but not for her. She may express her opinion, to you, or to

your parents. You do not have to listen. Nor do you have to accept

abuse in the guise of " my opinion " ( a typical bp move). If she is a

bp, it is not surprising that she once adored you and now despises you.

This is called splitting. Everyone must be, for them, either a hero or

a villian. You cannot be in the middle.

Your best move would be to minimize contact, avoid being drawn into the

arguements, and simply refuse to let her abuse, whether by text or phone

or face to face, fall on you.

Doug

>

> Hi everyone. I know this is a group for adult children of BPD parents

but I was hoping I could slip in a quick BPD sibling discussion too (I

have a nada too).

>

> My eldest sister and I used to be really close. I was her perfect

reflection and looked up to her so much. Everyone always said how

similar we were and I loved it! I wanted to be her. When I began to

individuate about 7 years ago, she started to get mad at me for

seemingly no reason. It got really bad when my boyfriend (now fiance)

and I moved in with her briefly while we were looking for our own place

in a new state. It was like our relationship was completely gone and she

would attack me or ignore me at random. She seemed to hate everything

that I did (e.g., going to get my doctorate, having a serious

relationship, being " fake " ). Its been especially bad since I got engaged

(she was single until a month ago when she moved in with a man that none

of us had ever heard of until about a month before). What she tends to

target me the post about is money. My parents have always been very

generous with money and have helped me and my siblings when we needed

it. I have had a job since I was 16 and have always tried to contribute

and pull my own weight. As objective as I can be (and including what I

have heard directly from my parents and two other siblings), I believe

that I have tried the most out of any of us to take care of myself. That

being said, I am still finishing up my doctorate and dont make a full

salary yet so I recieve help from my parents on a few bills. For the

record, my BP sister (and other siblings take money from my parents

too). At what seems to be random times, she will text me or call me and

start raging at me about how selfish I am and berates my fiance for not

supporting me or tells me to live within my means. Its always confusing

to me because whenever I try to talk to my parents about it, they are

like, what is she talking about, she asks us for money all the time. The

last time she raged at me about this, my brother actually told me that

she had just asked my mom for money that day. Anyway, i used to try to

defend myself and explain why I still needed help from them financially

and what my plan was for being independent soon but that never stops

her. I have discussed this with my parents and with the exception of

when my nada occasionally threatens to cut me off finanically, they both

say that they are comfortable with helping me as they are. Right or

wrong it seems to be an issue for me and my parents, not for my BP

sister.

>

> So, tonight, I got about 10 texts from her raging about how selfish I

am and that's why she has been distant from me in the last several

years. She told me to do something selfless for once and stop taking

money from them. I know I have to own my part in this and to that end I

am aware that I do not like needing to rely on my parents. So my

question is 2 fold: 1) how do I respond to her raging texts especially

since I agree with part of what she is saying and 2) how do I deal with

rageful texts in general when it seems to give people full permission to

unload everything they want without consequences? Any help would be

greatly appreciated. Thank you group.

>

[Guest guest]

I'm gonna chime in here. All of the responses you got have good and wise points,

but I didn't see anyone address the one area that came to my mind while reading

your post.

You said you mother is BPD too and occasionally threatens to cut you off

financially. I would like to suggest that even tho your parents have told you

they are fine with helping you out that you nada, probably, gripes to you BPD

sister about this and turns her into a flying monkey. If your nada confides in

you about money that she gives to other siblings in a negative way, she is

probably doing it about you as well. BPD's are extraordinarily easy to

manipulate into acting out someone else's anger and aggression.

That being said, the rest of the comments you got stilll apply.

C

[Guest guest]

thanks everyone. I has been really helpful to recieve your feedback. I was all

set not to respond to her and then she texted me this morning, as she usually

does after she rages at me the night before, especially when she has been

drinking. She said she doesn't want it to come between us and she loves me but

wants me to respect mom and dads situation. I'm thinking I want to set my

boundaries here instead of ignoring as I was initially going to but I'm scared.

Thoughts?

> >

> > Hi everyone. I know this is a group for adult children of BPD parents

> but I was hoping I could slip in a quick BPD sibling discussion too (I

> have a nada too).

> >

> > My eldest sister and I used to be really close. I was her perfect

> reflection and looked up to her so much. Everyone always said how

> similar we were and I loved it! I wanted to be her. When I began to

> individuate about 7 years ago, she started to get mad at me for

> seemingly no reason. It got really bad when my boyfriend (now fiance)

> and I moved in with her briefly while we were looking for our own place

> in a new state. It was like our relationship was completely gone and she

> would attack me or ignore me at random. She seemed to hate everything

> that I did (e.g., going to get my doctorate, having a serious

> relationship, being " fake " ). Its been especially bad since I got engaged

> (she was single until a month ago when she moved in with a man that none

> of us had ever heard of until about a month before). What she tends to

> target me the post about is money. My parents have always been very

> generous with money and have helped me and my siblings when we needed

> it. I have had a job since I was 16 and have always tried to contribute

> and pull my own weight. As objective as I can be (and including what I

> have heard directly from my parents and two other siblings), I believe

> that I have tried the most out of any of us to take care of myself. That

> being said, I am still finishing up my doctorate and dont make a full

> salary yet so I recieve help from my parents on a few bills. For the

> record, my BP sister (and other siblings take money from my parents

> too). At what seems to be random times, she will text me or call me and

> start raging at me about how selfish I am and berates my fiance for not

> supporting me or tells me to live within my means. Its always confusing

> to me because whenever I try to talk to my parents about it, they are

> like, what is she talking about, she asks us for money all the time. The

> last time she raged at me about this, my brother actually told me that

> she had just asked my mom for money that day. Anyway, i used to try to

> defend myself and explain why I still needed help from them financially

> and what my plan was for being independent soon but that never stops

> her. I have discussed this with my parents and with the exception of

> when my nada occasionally threatens to cut me off finanically, they both

> say that they are comfortable with helping me as they are. Right or

> wrong it seems to be an issue for me and my parents, not for my BP

> sister.

> >

> > So, tonight, I got about 10 texts from her raging about how selfish I

> am and that's why she has been distant from me in the last several

> years. She told me to do something selfless for once and stop taking

> money from them. I know I have to own my part in this and to that end I

> am aware that I do not like needing to rely on my parents. So my

> question is 2 fold: 1) how do I respond to her raging texts especially

> since I agree with part of what she is saying and 2) how do I deal with

> rageful texts in general when it seems to give people full permission to

> unload everything they want without consequences? Any help would be

> greatly appreciated. Thank you group.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Just a theory, a bpd's " love " in finite. So all the children feel they

need to " fight " for it. By protecting mother's interest the sister may be

fighting for that love. My mother's family has everyone fighting for a

monster's love that doesn't exist and it turns everyone against each other.

And they don't see it!

> **

>

>

> thanks everyone. I has been really helpful to recieve your feedback. I was

> all set not to respond to her and then she texted me this morning, as she

> usually does after she rages at me the night before, especially when she

> has been drinking. She said she doesn't want it to come between us and she

> loves me but wants me to respect mom and dads situation. I'm thinking I

> want to set my boundaries here instead of ignoring as I was initially going

> to but I'm scared. Thoughts?

>

>

> > >

> > > Hi everyone. I know this is a group for adult children of BPD parents

> > but I was hoping I could slip in a quick BPD sibling discussion too (I

> > have a nada too).

> > >

> > > My eldest sister and I used to be really close. I was her perfect

> > reflection and looked up to her so much. Everyone always said how

> > similar we were and I loved it! I wanted to be her. When I began to

> > individuate about 7 years ago, she started to get mad at me for

> > seemingly no reason. It got really bad when my boyfriend (now fiance)

> > and I moved in with her briefly while we were looking for our own place

> > in a new state. It was like our relationship was completely gone and she

> > would attack me or ignore me at random. She seemed to hate everything

> > that I did (e.g., going to get my doctorate, having a serious

> > relationship, being " fake " ). Its been especially bad since I got engaged

> > (she was single until a month ago when she moved in with a man that none

> > of us had ever heard of until about a month before). What she tends to

> > target me the post about is money. My parents have always been very

> > generous with money and have helped me and my siblings when we needed

> > it. I have had a job since I was 16 and have always tried to contribute

> > and pull my own weight. As objective as I can be (and including what I

> > have heard directly from my parents and two other siblings), I believe

> > that I have tried the most out of any of us to take care of myself. That

> > being said, I am still finishing up my doctorate and dont make a full

> > salary yet so I recieve help from my parents on a few bills. For the

> > record, my BP sister (and other siblings take money from my parents

> > too). At what seems to be random times, she will text me or call me and

> > start raging at me about how selfish I am and berates my fiance for not

> > supporting me or tells me to live within my means. Its always confusing

> > to me because whenever I try to talk to my parents about it, they are

> > like, what is she talking about, she asks us for money all the time. The

> > last time she raged at me about this, my brother actually told me that

> > she had just asked my mom for money that day. Anyway, i used to try to

> > defend myself and explain why I still needed help from them financially

> > and what my plan was for being independent soon but that never stops

> > her. I have discussed this with my parents and with the exception of

> > when my nada occasionally threatens to cut me off finanically, they both

> > say that they are comfortable with helping me as they are. Right or

> > wrong it seems to be an issue for me and my parents, not for my BP

> > sister.

> > >

> > > So, tonight, I got about 10 texts from her raging about how selfish I

> > am and that's why she has been distant from me in the last several

> > years. She told me to do something selfless for once and stop taking

> > money from them. I know I have to own my part in this and to that end I

> > am aware that I do not like needing to rely on my parents. So my

> > question is 2 fold: 1) how do I respond to her raging texts especially

> > since I agree with part of what she is saying and 2) how do I deal with

> > rageful texts in general when it seems to give people full permission to

> > unload everything they want without consequences? Any help would be

> > greatly appreciated. Thank you group.

> > >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Alcoholic rages do complicate the issue. I'm guessing that alcohol-fueled rage

calls are something that Adult Children of Alcoholics programs probably address

pretty thoroughly; perhaps a member here can add the ACOA perspective or take on

this (?)

My opinion is that if you feel you need to respond to this latest text, then,

I'd go with something like, " I'm not going to discuss (this issue) with you,

sweetie, because its private; its between mom and me. Thank you for respecting

my privacy. I love you too. 'Bye. "

Then, if your bpd sister doggedly brings up the subject again in future texts or

phone calls (and she probably will) each time you can reply, " I've already said

that I'm not discussing this with you, dear; is there something else you want to

talk with me about? If not, then I need to go now. Talk to you later. 'Bye. "

etc.

You can also refuse to discuss negative things about your sister with your nada;

if your nada brings up the subject of your sister in a negative, critical

context, you can choose to not participate.

If nada starts complaining about your sister to you, you can gently interrupt

and say, " I really don't want to hear about this, mom. I love you but this is

between you and my sister. Its not my business. Is there something else you

want to talk with me about? (etc.) "

Its you taking control and managing your relationship with your sister &

managing your relationship with your mother, by defining your boundaries and

enforcing them.

You can do it. It requires a paradigm shift in your thinking, and its not easy,

but its doable.

-Annie

> > >

> > > Hi everyone. I know this is a group for adult children of BPD parents

> > but I was hoping I could slip in a quick BPD sibling discussion too (I

> > have a nada too).

> > >

> > > My eldest sister and I used to be really close. I was her perfect

> > reflection and looked up to her so much. Everyone always said how

> > similar we were and I loved it! I wanted to be her. When I began to

> > individuate about 7 years ago, she started to get mad at me for

> > seemingly no reason. It got really bad when my boyfriend (now fiance)

> > and I moved in with her briefly while we were looking for our own place

> > in a new state. It was like our relationship was completely gone and she

> > would attack me or ignore me at random. She seemed to hate everything

> > that I did (e.g., going to get my doctorate, having a serious

> > relationship, being " fake " ). Its been especially bad since I got engaged

> > (she was single until a month ago when she moved in with a man that none

> > of us had ever heard of until about a month before). What she tends to

> > target me the post about is money. My parents have always been very

> > generous with money and have helped me and my siblings when we needed

> > it. I have had a job since I was 16 and have always tried to contribute

> > and pull my own weight. As objective as I can be (and including what I

> > have heard directly from my parents and two other siblings), I believe

> > that I have tried the most out of any of us to take care of myself. That

> > being said, I am still finishing up my doctorate and dont make a full

> > salary yet so I recieve help from my parents on a few bills. For the

> > record, my BP sister (and other siblings take money from my parents

> > too). At what seems to be random times, she will text me or call me and

> > start raging at me about how selfish I am and berates my fiance for not

> > supporting me or tells me to live within my means. Its always confusing

> > to me because whenever I try to talk to my parents about it, they are

> > like, what is she talking about, she asks us for money all the time. The

> > last time she raged at me about this, my brother actually told me that

> > she had just asked my mom for money that day. Anyway, i used to try to

> > defend myself and explain why I still needed help from them financially

> > and what my plan was for being independent soon but that never stops

> > her. I have discussed this with my parents and with the exception of

> > when my nada occasionally threatens to cut me off finanically, they both

> > say that they are comfortable with helping me as they are. Right or

> > wrong it seems to be an issue for me and my parents, not for my BP

> > sister.

> > >

> > > So, tonight, I got about 10 texts from her raging about how selfish I

> > am and that's why she has been distant from me in the last several

> > years. She told me to do something selfless for once and stop taking

> > money from them. I know I have to own my part in this and to that end I

> > am aware that I do not like needing to rely on my parents. So my

> > question is 2 fold: 1) how do I respond to her raging texts especially

> > since I agree with part of what she is saying and 2) how do I deal with

> > rageful texts in general when it seems to give people full permission to

> > unload everything they want without consequences? Any help would be

> > greatly appreciated. Thank you group.

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I did it! I set my boundaries clearly and calmly. She raged for sure...called me

distant and professional and told me I needed to be real. She also called me

disrespectiful and told me to stop f-ing over mom and dad. I didn't respond

because my boundary was that I would no longer speak to her about finances or

respond to messages in which she called me names. Not sure where things will go

for here. I guess I have to be prepared for a LC or NC relationship with her but

I think that is what I need do in order to take care of myself. Thanks everyone

for your support on this difficult day.

>

> I'm gonna chime in here. All of the responses you got have good and wise

points, but I didn't see anyone address the one area that came to my mind while

reading your post.

>

> You said you mother is BPD too and occasionally threatens to cut you off

financially. I would like to suggest that even tho your parents have told you

they are fine with helping you out that you nada, probably, gripes to you BPD

sister about this and turns her into a flying monkey. If your nada confides in

you about money that she gives to other siblings in a negative way, she is

probably doing it about you as well. BPD's are extraordinarily easy to

manipulate into acting out someone else's anger and aggression.

>

> That being said, the rest of the comments you got stilll apply.

>

> C

>

[Guest guest]

(((((tucket)))))

That is awesome; kudos to you! Its not easy to learn to stand up for yourself

or to set boundaries with an abusive, mentally ill (and alcoholic) relative; it

takes a lot of courage. You showed a lot of intestinal fortitude today.

Note the classic psychological attack by your bpd/alcoholic sister when you

simply and politely stood up for yourself: you were accused of being " distant,

professional, unreal " .

Note the use of projection on sis's part: she accused you of being disrespectful

to her (while cursing at you!) and she told you to stop f-ing over your parents.

Guess who was actually being majorly disrespectful to you, and guess who was

apparently recently thwarted in her efforts to exploit your parents some more?

(That's just my guess; I could be wrong.)

Note the lack of taking any personal responsibility for her own behaviors, the

attempt to manipulate you with guilt, and the rage when you did not accept the

guilt or knuckle under to her demands.

That's a lot of abuse to take in one phone call. You have a core of steel to

hold up under that. So, as Doug says, be gentle with yourself. You deserve

some gentle care while you process that toxic exchange.

Thumb's up of encouragement from me.

-Annie

> >

> > I'm gonna chime in here. All of the responses you got have good and wise

points, but I didn't see anyone address the one area that came to my mind while

reading your post.

> >

> > You said you mother is BPD too and occasionally threatens to cut you off

financially. I would like to suggest that even tho your parents have told you

they are fine with helping you out that you nada, probably, gripes to you BPD

sister about this and turns her into a flying monkey. If your nada confides in

you about money that she gives to other siblings in a negative way, she is

probably doing it about you as well. BPD's are extraordinarily easy to

manipulate into acting out someone else's anger and aggression.

> >

> > That being said, the rest of the comments you got stilll apply.

> >

> > C

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I'm sorry but I just have to laugh at your sister's typical response. So

textbook.

Good for you setting your boundary and standing by it. Just remember, this may

not be the last of it from her. She may try and fight even harder to break the

boundary you set, but you stay strong and stick to it.

I am so proud of you!

> >

> > I'm gonna chime in here. All of the responses you got have good and wise

points, but I didn't see anyone address the one area that came to my mind while

reading your post.

> >

> > You said you mother is BPD too and occasionally threatens to cut you off

financially. I would like to suggest that even tho your parents have told you

they are fine with helping you out that you nada, probably, gripes to you BPD

sister about this and turns her into a flying monkey. If your nada confides in

you about money that she gives to other siblings in a negative way, she is

probably doing it about you as well. BPD's are extraordinarily easy to

manipulate into acting out someone else's anger and aggression.

> >

> > That being said, the rest of the comments you got stilll apply.

> >

> > C

> >

>

[Guest guest]

You guys are awesome! I used to have to wait to see my therapist to talk about

all of this. It is amazing to have a group of supportive individuals that

understand and are willing to take the time to help each other. I hope I am able

to return the same support to others in the future. I know this is a tough road

ahead but I feel like I can do this with the support of friends, my fiance,

obscene amount of bibliotherapy, klonopin, and, of course, this group!

> > >

> > > I'm gonna chime in here. All of the responses you got have good and wise

points, but I didn't see anyone address the one area that came to my mind while

reading your post.

> > >

> > > You said you mother is BPD too and occasionally threatens to cut you off

financially. I would like to suggest that even tho your parents have told you

they are fine with helping you out that you nada, probably, gripes to you BPD

sister about this and turns her into a flying monkey. If your nada confides in

you about money that she gives to other siblings in a negative way, she is

probably doing it about you as well. BPD's are extraordinarily easy to

manipulate into acting out someone else's anger and aggression.

> > >

> > > That being said, the rest of the comments you got stilll apply.

> > >

> > > C

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

What I love about this group, that we KOs find nowhere else, is a group of

people who truly understand and know what we all grew up with and how

traumatizing it was. In fact, there is another on this board who has

almost exactly the same Christmas blow-up story as me, and for awhile people

were confusing us. It was strangely comforting to know someone else, with my

name no less, had the exact experience I did with nada on Christmas, and she

knew exactly how I felt and I her. It is funny, but one of the things that I

love about this board the most is hearing people just say " I believe you " and

" you're not crazy " .

We are here for you, every step of the way. People fade in and fade out as they

need the board, but the group remains with the same supportive and healing

atmosphere.

Again, good job on setting your boundaries!

> > > >

> > > > I'm gonna chime in here. All of the responses you got have good and wise

points, but I didn't see anyone address the one area that came to my mind while

reading your post.

> > > >

> > > > You said you mother is BPD too and occasionally threatens to cut you off

financially. I would like to suggest that even tho your parents have told you

they are fine with helping you out that you nada, probably, gripes to you BPD

sister about this and turns her into a flying monkey. If your nada confides in

you about money that she gives to other siblings in a negative way, she is

probably doing it about you as well. BPD's are extraordinarily easy to

manipulate into acting out someone else's anger and aggression.

> > > >

> > > > That being said, the rest of the comments you got stilll apply.

> > > >

> > > > C

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Ok...here's what scares me---how messed up we are from growing up with someone

like this...and what it's done to us. I'm terrified that I'm borderline as

well...I'm terrified of what my issues do to the people that I love. And I'm

soooo afraid of being hurt again...

Anyway...*shaking my head hard* I'm . I used to be here and left for a

bit, not sure if any of the same people are around. My mother and my aunt are

bpd. My uncles on my mother's side definitely have serious issues. My family,

to me, consists of my fiance, my tiny dog, one aunt and my very confusing, very

messed up mother.

I look forward to getting to know you all.

S

Those who love you are not fooled by mistakes you have made or dark images you

hold about yourself. They remember your beauty when you feel ugly; your

wholeness when you are broken; your innocence when you feel guilty; and your

purpose when you are confused.--Anon

Re: How do you walk away from a text?

You guys are awesome! I used to have to wait to see my therapist to talk about

all of this. It is amazing to have a group of supportive individuals that

understand and are willing to take the time to help each other. I hope I am able

to return the same support to others in the future. I know this is a tough road

ahead but I feel like I can do this with the support of friends, my fiance,

obscene amount of bibliotherapy, klonopin, and, of course, this group!

> > >

> > > I'm gonna chime in here. All of the responses you got have good and wise

points, but I didn't see anyone address the one area that came to my mind while

reading your post.

> > >

> > > You said you mother is BPD too and occasionally threatens to cut you off

financially. I would like to suggest that even tho your parents have told you

they are fine with helping you out that you nada, probably, gripes to you BPD

sister about this and turns her into a flying monkey. If your nada confides in

you about money that she gives to other siblings in a negative way, she is

probably doing it about you as well. BPD's are extraordinarily easy to

manipulate into acting out someone else's anger and aggression.

> > >

> > > That being said, the rest of the comments you got stilll apply.

> > >

> > > C

> > >

> >

>

------------------------------------

**This group is based on principles in Randi Kreger's new book The Essential

Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder: New Tips and Tools to Stop

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To unsub from this list, send a blank email to

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Recommended: " Toxic Parents, " " Surviving a Borderline Parent, " and

" Understanding the Borderline Mother " (hard to find)

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

Welcome back. I hope you will find peace and healing here, as well.

-Annie

>

> Ok...here's what scares me---how messed up we are from growing up with someone

like this...and what it's done to us. I'm terrified that I'm borderline as

well...I'm terrified of what my issues do to the people that I love. And I'm

soooo afraid of being hurt again...

>

> Anyway...*shaking my head hard* I'm . I used to be here and left for

a bit, not sure if any of the same people are around. My mother and my aunt are

bpd. My uncles on my mother's side definitely have serious issues. My family,

to me, consists of my fiance, my tiny dog, one aunt and my very confusing, very

messed up mother.

>

> I look forward to getting to know you all.

>

> S

[Guest guest]

I agree with Sveta. My first thought was " projection " . I think she

is projecting her own self hatred onto you. I also think she's

jealous of you and your achievements.

Personally, I would ignore the texts. No sense in rolling with a pig

in the mud... the pig just likes it and you just end up really dirty.

Sorry you're going through this.

Mia

>

>

>

> Sounds like your sister may be projecting her own self-loathing onto you.

> Either that, or she wants you to stop taking money from your parents so they

> can give more to her. How dare you have needs of your own! *eyeroll*

>

> How to deal with rageful texts? Personally--and this is just me--I'd

> either 1)not respond at all and then stop reading texts from that person or

> 2)reply that I will not be raged at and if it continues the rager will be

> blocked from sending me text in future. It sounds like you need to set a

> boundary with your sister about what is appropriate for her to talk to you

> about. She is not your parent and has no business telling you how to live

> your life, IMO. If you don't like her doing that, tell her, and then hang up

> or walk away if she starts.

>

> Sveta

>

>

[Guest guest]

Go Tucket Go! I replied to the original thread without reading all

the responses & updates! LOL. So just wanted to say GOOD FOR YOU for

clearly stating your boundaries with your sister. As Annie said, it

may get more difficult now. Be prepared for both blatant & subtle

attempts to break those boundaries. The subtle ones are the hardest

ones for me. They consist of the type that pull on your heart strings

and appear that the other person is only trying to reach out, etc. So

be on your guard. It may not come across as a rage.

I'm glad you find the group helpful! So do I! And I think with time

as you begin to heal & come out of the BPD FOG, you certainly will be

able to help other folks here. I've seen that happen with myself &

others as well.

Good luck & hope all is going well for you =)

Mia

>

>

>

>

> You guys are awesome! I used to have to wait to see my therapist to talk

> about all of this. It is amazing to have a group of supportive individuals

> that understand and are willing to take the time to help each other. I hope

> I am able to return the same support to others in the future. I know this is

> a tough road ahead but I feel like I can do this with the support of

> friends, my fiance, obscene amount of bibliotherapy, klonopin, and, of

> course, this group!

>

>

>

> > > >

> > > > I'm gonna chime in here. All of the responses you got have good and

> > > > wise points, but I didn't see anyone address the one area that came to

my

> > > > mind while reading your post.

> > > >

> > > > You said you mother is BPD too and occasionally threatens to cut you

> > > > off financially. I would like to suggest that even tho your parents have

> > > > told you they are fine with helping you out that you nada, probably,

gripes

> > > > to you BPD sister about this and turns her into a flying monkey. If your

> > > > nada confides in you about money that she gives to other siblings in a

> > > > negative way, she is probably doing it about you as well. BPD's are

> > > > extraordinarily easy to manipulate into acting out someone else's anger

and

> > > > aggression.

> > > >

> > > > That being said, the rest of the comments you got stilll apply.

> > > >

> > > > C

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

>