Re: aunt on FB

[Guest guest]

Facebook is a strange thing. I just learned that the best rule was to not really

share personal things like that on Facebook. If I want advice about a specific

situation, it's best to ask people specifically rather than post it on your

Facebook profile, because no matter what you do, no matter what kind of security

settings you set, we here on this board can testify again and again to people

being harassed through Facebook. So a lot of us keep Facebook profiles but keep

them very superficial.

I cut my family off of Facebook and, initially, told them all that I chose to

interact with family face-to-face. Facebook is for high school and college

reunions and work networking, but not for family.

If she is truly flying monkey, she may have deceptively looked at your profile.

Or she could honestly have been able to get through. Facebook privacy settings

are always changing and like a Rubix cube, you can never figure it out because

once you change one setting, it sets off another.

If you feel badly or just want to keep peace, you could maybe just say " you

didn't intent to hurt her feelings, but you would like to keep family separate

from Facebook. " And that's it. You don't have to explain yourself, just say

that's the way you want it. And don't apologize or say you're sorry, because

that can be opening a door for guilt, shame, etc. I think it would be safe to

use the above phrasing though, just to keep peace, if your aunt is usually

reasonable.

HOpe that helps!

>

> I think I posted last week about how my aunt added me on FB. I researched,

tested out security settings, and set it so that as soon as I added my aunt, I

added her to a friends list called " restricted profile. " And my settings for

that profile is so that she can't see my wall. Not at all. Zilch. Didn't trust

her yet.

>

> I tested it thoroughly (so I thought) and then that would be what I can

handle.

>

> Then I got a message from her today. Sent me into a panic, but then I was able

to calm myself down pretty quickly. Here's what she said:

>

> Holly, Read what u wrote on FB concerning my request to be friends. Have to

say that it hurt my feelings. I really have no ulterior motive than to just keep

up with what is going on in your life...like I do with my other nieces and

nephews. If you really feel that being friends with me compromises your

principles I will totally suport your decision not to be friends any more. If

you have future concerns about our relationship then please talk with me first

so that misunderstandings are avoided. Hope all is going well in [city

redacted].

>

>

> I'm still sorting out all the thoughts on this. First thought was, FB security

must be lax! But no, it really can't be. I went back and checked--there should

be absolutely no way she can see my wall, where I posted asking good friends for

advice.

>

> So, it's possible that she somehow saw my wall another way--nobody can see any

of my stuff when they search for me, except for my profile picture. So she

couldn't have logged out to see my wall. It's got to be somebody else on FB. My

suspicion might be my cousin, the only cousin from mom's side of the family on

FB. It's possible my mom's brother and sister in law can access my highschooler

cousin's profile, and see me that way. and then told my aunt what I said. I have

no proof--it's just conjecture. But I do have to entertain that thought.

>

> Either way, I feel like my aunt is still being untrustworthy--I don't know if

it's her, or if someone told her, or what.

>

> Also, I'm a little bit confused. Principles? In my last email to her, when she

tried to be a flying monkey for a little while, I told her I needed to protect

myself from my dad's emotional abuse. It ain't principles, it's protection. I

deserve to be loved (an affirmation from counseling.) I don't deserve abuse.

Hence, I drew the line when my parents couldn't understand the difference

between love and abuse.

>

> She oculdn't understand it then, she can't understand it now.

>

> I do understand that I could have done better by talking with her, and I meant

to. But a) I didn't trust her. I've been busy with my wonderful in-laws in

town. c) grad school--sort of ran out of time.

>

> And perhaps d) I was afraid to. I was afraid of starting up the flying moneky

business again---and either way, if I friended her or not, I was afraid of what

the reaction might be. So,I thought restricted FB would do the trick.

>

> So, tomorrow when i'm more awake (I'm dead tired) I will have to restrict

access my cousin has to my profile and wall.

>

> I just wanted to talk out loud. At first I felt ashamed, but the more I think

about it, the more I wonder if this is further proof that it's a good thing I'm

LC with aunt.

>

> Facebook is so nice for keeping in touch with a lot of people--I was able to

foster communication with DH when we first met, was able to connect with

classmates outside of online school, meet people, etc. But as soon as you add

anything as far as dysfunctional family members goes..

>

> All in all, it's tame letter from aunt compared to the other stuff I see other

people sahring, so I'm counting my blessings. Thanks again for letting me talk

out loud. And I'm so thankful for counseling--not looking forward to the 3 wk

hiatus with her vacation and mine, though.

>

> okay, I'm sleepy, so I ramble. Night, all.

>

[Guest guest]

You know how you can comment on other people's posts? Well, YOU may have your

settings locked down. But any of those other people you talk to may not. If

their walls are wide open, anyone can scroll through and see who has been

posting what.

So, the only way they would not see your post on another's wall is if you have

completely 'blocked' the person you don't want to seeing your posts.

This is why I hate, hate, hate having family on FB.

>

> I think I posted last week about how my aunt added me on FB. I researched,

tested out security settings, and set it so that as soon as I added my aunt, I

added her to a friends list called " restricted profile. " And my settings for

that profile is so that she can't see my wall. Not at all. Zilch. Didn't trust

her yet.

>

> I tested it thoroughly (so I thought) and then that would be what I can

handle.

>

> Then I got a message from her today. Sent me into a panic, but then I was able

to calm myself down pretty quickly. Here's what she said:

>

> Holly, Read what u wrote on FB concerning my request to be friends. Have to

say that it hurt my feelings. I really have no ulterior motive than to just keep

up with what is going on in your life...like I do with my other nieces and

nephews. If you really feel that being friends with me compromises your

principles I will totally suport your decision not to be friends any more. If

you have future concerns about our relationship then please talk with me first

so that misunderstandings are avoided. Hope all is going well in [city

redacted].

>

>

> I'm still sorting out all the thoughts on this. First thought was, FB security

must be lax! But no, it really can't be. I went back and checked--there should

be absolutely no way she can see my wall, where I posted asking good friends for

advice.

>

> So, it's possible that she somehow saw my wall another way--nobody can see any

of my stuff when they search for me, except for my profile picture. So she

couldn't have logged out to see my wall. It's got to be somebody else on FB. My

suspicion might be my cousin, the only cousin from mom's side of the family on

FB. It's possible my mom's brother and sister in law can access my highschooler

cousin's profile, and see me that way. and then told my aunt what I said. I have

no proof--it's just conjecture. But I do have to entertain that thought.

>

> Either way, I feel like my aunt is still being untrustworthy--I don't know if

it's her, or if someone told her, or what.

>

> Also, I'm a little bit confused. Principles? In my last email to her, when she

tried to be a flying monkey for a little while, I told her I needed to protect

myself from my dad's emotional abuse. It ain't principles, it's protection. I

deserve to be loved (an affirmation from counseling.) I don't deserve abuse.

Hence, I drew the line when my parents couldn't understand the difference

between love and abuse.

>

> She oculdn't understand it then, she can't understand it now.

>

> I do understand that I could have done better by talking with her, and I meant

to. But a) I didn't trust her. I've been busy with my wonderful in-laws in

town. c) grad school--sort of ran out of time.

>

> And perhaps d) I was afraid to. I was afraid of starting up the flying moneky

business again---and either way, if I friended her or not, I was afraid of what

the reaction might be. So,I thought restricted FB would do the trick.

>

> So, tomorrow when i'm more awake (I'm dead tired) I will have to restrict

access my cousin has to my profile and wall.

>

> I just wanted to talk out loud. At first I felt ashamed, but the more I think

about it, the more I wonder if this is further proof that it's a good thing I'm

LC with aunt.

>

> Facebook is so nice for keeping in touch with a lot of people--I was able to

foster communication with DH when we first met, was able to connect with

classmates outside of online school, meet people, etc. But as soon as you add

anything as far as dysfunctional family members goes..

>

> All in all, it's tame letter from aunt compared to the other stuff I see other

people sahring, so I'm counting my blessings. Thanks again for letting me talk

out loud. And I'm so thankful for counseling--not looking forward to the 3 wk

hiatus with her vacation and mine, though.

>

> okay, I'm sleepy, so I ramble. Night, all.

>

[Guest guest]

and Echobabe, thanks for the feedback. And , thank you so much

for the suggested reply! I found out from DH that apparently iPhone and iPod

touch facebook apps are all buggy, and somehow circumvent privacy settings.

Dunno if she has an iPhone, but it's possible.

but yes. I think that a short but sweet reply is a good thing.She's usually

pretty reasonable, but then again, I don't know her that well.

I'm a little bit pissed about this and a few other things--so I will reply

to aunt later on after I've relaxed and had some tea. My cats seem to be

conspiring to keep me from going to work--they somehow unplugged my alarm

clock while playing around the bedroom all night last night. >.<

> **

>

>

> Facebook is a strange thing. I just learned that the best rule was to not

> really share personal things like that on Facebook. If I want advice about a

> specific situation, it's best to ask people specifically rather than post it

> on your Facebook profile, because no matter what you do, no matter what kind

> of security settings you set, we here on this board can testify again and

> again to people being harassed through Facebook. So a lot of us keep

> Facebook profiles but keep them very superficial.

>

> I cut my family off of Facebook and, initially, told them all that I chose

> to interact with family face-to-face. Facebook is for high school and

> college reunions and work networking, but not for family.

>

> If she is truly flying monkey, she may have deceptively looked at your

> profile. Or she could honestly have been able to get through. Facebook

> privacy settings are always changing and like a Rubix cube, you can never

> figure it out because once you change one setting, it sets off another.

>

> If you feel badly or just want to keep peace, you could maybe just say " you

> didn't intent to hurt her feelings, but you would like to keep family

> separate from Facebook. " And that's it. You don't have to explain yourself,

> just say that's the way you want it. And don't apologize or say you're

> sorry, because that can be opening a door for guilt, shame, etc. I think it

> would be safe to use the above phrasing though, just to keep peace, if your

> aunt is usually reasonable.

>

> HOpe that helps!

>

>

>

>

> >

> > I think I posted last week about how my aunt added me on FB. I

> researched, tested out security settings, and set it so that as soon as I

> added my aunt, I added her to a friends list called " restricted profile. "

> And my settings for that profile is so that she can't see my wall. Not at

> all. Zilch. Didn't trust her yet.

> >

> > I tested it thoroughly (so I thought) and then that would be what I can

> handle.

> >

> > Then I got a message from her today. Sent me into a panic, but then I was

> able to calm myself down pretty quickly. Here's what she said:

> >

> > Holly, Read what u wrote on FB concerning my request to be friends. Have

> to say that it hurt my feelings. I really have no ulterior motive than to

> just keep up with what is going on in your life...like I do with my other

> nieces and nephews. If you really feel that being friends with me

> compromises your principles I will totally suport your decision not to be

> friends any more. If you have future concerns about our relationship then

> please talk with me first so that misunderstandings are avoided. Hope all is

> going well in [city redacted].

> >

> >

> > I'm still sorting out all the thoughts on this. First thought was, FB

> security must be lax! But no, it really can't be. I went back and

> checked--there should be absolutely no way she can see my wall, where I

> posted asking good friends for advice.

> >

> > So, it's possible that she somehow saw my wall another way--nobody can

> see any of my stuff when they search for me, except for my profile picture.

> So she couldn't have logged out to see my wall. It's got to be somebody else

> on FB. My suspicion might be my cousin, the only cousin from mom's side of

> the family on FB. It's possible my mom's brother and sister in law can

> access my highschooler cousin's profile, and see me that way. and then told

> my aunt what I said. I have no proof--it's just conjecture. But I do have to

> entertain that thought.

> >

> > Either way, I feel like my aunt is still being untrustworthy--I don't

> know if it's her, or if someone told her, or what.

> >

> > Also, I'm a little bit confused. Principles? In my last email to her,

> when she tried to be a flying monkey for a little while, I told her I needed

> to protect myself from my dad's emotional abuse. It ain't principles, it's

> protection. I deserve to be loved (an affirmation from counseling.) I don't

> deserve abuse. Hence, I drew the line when my parents couldn't understand

> the difference between love and abuse.

> >

> > She oculdn't understand it then, she can't understand it now.

> >

> > I do understand that I could have done better by talking with her, and I

> meant to. But a) I didn't trust her. I've been busy with my wonderful

> in-laws in town. c) grad school--sort of ran out of time.

> >

> > And perhaps d) I was afraid to. I was afraid of starting up the flying

> moneky business again---and either way, if I friended her or not, I was

> afraid of what the reaction might be. So,I thought restricted FB would do

> the trick.

> >

> > So, tomorrow when i'm more awake (I'm dead tired) I will have to restrict

> access my cousin has to my profile and wall.

> >

> > I just wanted to talk out loud. At first I felt ashamed, but the more I

> think about it, the more I wonder if this is further proof that it's a good

> thing I'm LC with aunt.

> >

> > Facebook is so nice for keeping in touch with a lot of people--I was able

> to foster communication with DH when we first met, was able to connect with

> classmates outside of online school, meet people, etc. But as soon as you

> add anything as far as dysfunctional family members goes..

> >

> > All in all, it's tame letter from aunt compared to the other stuff I see

> other people sahring, so I'm counting my blessings. Thanks again for letting

> me talk out loud. And I'm so thankful for counseling--not looking forward to

> the 3 wk hiatus with her vacation and mine, though.

> >

> > okay, I'm sleepy, so I ramble. Night, all.

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I agree, I play with facebook privacy settings all the time. i have waif

boss' acccess very limited. But she can still go to my wall. Facebook is so

buggy though that when she discovers she can't do something, I can just

explain it away as a bug, she is terrible with computers. But, somehow she

alway manages to find stuff out that I post. I don't post anything about

her. I use it to promote my art, my blog, and just make silly party chat. I

talk about fashion trends, local architecture, promote events. That said, I

don't think I would acceept her friend request.

On Thu, Jul 21, 2011 at 4:26 AM, Holly Lipschultz <

hollymichellebyers@...> wrote:

> and Echobabe, thanks for the feedback. And , thank you so much

> for the suggested reply! I found out from DH that apparently iPhone and

> iPod

> touch facebook apps are all buggy, and somehow circumvent privacy settings.

> Dunno if she has an iPhone, but it's possible.

>

> but yes. I think that a short but sweet reply is a good thing.She's usually

> pretty reasonable, but then again, I don't know her that well.

>

> I'm a little bit pissed about this and a few other things--so I will reply

> to aunt later on after I've relaxed and had some tea. My cats seem to be

> conspiring to keep me from going to work--they some show unplugged my alarm

> clock while playing around the bedroom all night last night. >.<

>

> On Thu, Jul 21, 2011 at 12:07 AM, afldancer

> wrote:

>

> > **

> >

> >

> > Facebook is a strange thing. I just learned that the best rule was to not

> > really share personal things like that on Facebook. If I want advice

> about a

> > specific situation, it's best to ask people specifically rather than post

> it

> > on your Facebook profile, because no matter what you do, no matter what

> kind

> > of security settings you set, we here on this board can testify again and

> > again to people being harassed through Facebook. So a lot of us keep

> > Facebook profiles but keep them very superficial.

> >

> > I cut my family off of Facebook and, initially, told them all that I

> chose

> > to interact with family face-to-face. Facebook is for high school and

> > college reunions and work networking, but not for family.

> >

> > If she is truly flying monkey, she may have deceptively looked at your

> > profile. Or she could honestly have been able to get through. Facebook

> > privacy settings are always changing and like a Rubix cube, you can never

> > figure it out because once you change one setting, it sets off another.

> >

> > If you feel badly or just want to keep peace, you could maybe just say

> " you

> > didn't intent to hurt her feelings, but you would like to keep family

> > separate from Facebook. " And that's it. You don't have to explain

> yourself,

> > just say that's the way you want it. And don't apologize or say you're

> > sorry, because that can be opening a door for guilt, shame, etc. I think

> it

> > would be safe to use the above phrasing though, just to keep peace, if

> your

> > aunt is usually reasonable.

> >

> > HOpe that helps!

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > >

> > > I think I posted last week about how my aunt added me on FB. I

> > researched, tested out security settings, and set it so that as soon as I

> > added my aunt, I added her to a friends list called " restricted profile. "

> > And my settings for that profile is so that she can't see my wall. Not at

> > all. Zilch. Didn't trust her yet.

> > >

> > > I tested it thoroughly (so I thought) and then that would be what I can

> > handle.

> > >

> > > Then I got a message from her today. Sent me into a panic, but then I

> was

> > able to calm myself down pretty quickly. Here's what she said:

> > >

> > > Holly, Read what u wrote on FB concerning my request to be friends.

> Have

> > to say that it hurt my feelings. I really have no ulterior motive than to

> > just keep up with what is going on in your life...like I do with my other

> > nieces and nephews. If you really feel that being friends with me

> > compromises your principles I will totally suport your decision not to be

> > friends any more. If you have future concerns about our relationship then

> > please talk with me first so that misunderstandings are avoided. Hope all

> is

> > going well in [city redacted].

> > >

> > >

> > > I'm still sorting out all the thoughts on this. First thought was, FB

> > security must be lax! But no, it really can't be. I went back and

> > checked--there should be absolutely no way she can see my wall, where I

> > posted asking good friends for advice.

> > >

> > > So, it's possible that she somehow saw my wall another way--nobody can

> > see any of my stuff when they search for me, except for my profile

> picture.

> > So she couldn't have logged out to see my wall. It's got to be somebody

> else

> > on FB. My suspicion might be my cousin, the only cousin from mom's side

> of

> > the family on FB. It's possible my mom's brother and sister in law can

> > access my highschooler cousin's profile, and see me that way. and then

> told

> > my aunt what I said. I have no proof--it's just conjecture. But I do have

> to

> > entertain that thought.

> > >

> > > Either way, I feel like my aunt is still being untrustworthy--I don't

> > know if it's her, or if someone told her, or what.

> > >

> > > Also, I'm a little bit confused. Principles? In my last email to her,

> > when she tried to be a flying monkey for a little while, I told her I

> needed

> > to protect myself from my dad's emotional abuse. It ain't principles,

> it's

> > protection. I deserve to be loved (an affirmation from counseling.) I

> don't

> > deserve abuse. Hence, I drew the line when my parents couldn't understand

> > the difference between love and abuse.

> > >

> > > She oculdn't understand it then, she can't understand it now.

> > >

> > > I do understand that I could have done better by talking with her, and

> I

> > meant to. But a) I didn't trust her. I've been busy with my wonderful

> > in-laws in town. c) grad school--sort of ran out of time.

> > >

> > > And perhaps d) I was afraid to. I was afraid of starting up the flying

> > moneky business again---and either way, if I friended her or not, I was

> > afraid of what the reaction might be. So,I thought restricted FB would do

> > the trick.

> > >

> > > So, tomorrow when i'm more awake (I'm dead tired) I will have to

> restrict

> > access my cousin has to my profile and wall.

> > >

> > > I just wanted to talk out loud. At first I felt ashamed, but the more I

> > think about it, the more I wonder if this is further proof that it's a

> good

> > thing I'm LC with aunt.

> > >

> > > Facebook is so nice for keeping in touch with a lot of people--I was

> able

> > to foster communication with DH when we first met, was able to connect

> with

> > classmates outside of online school, meet people, etc. But as soon as you

> > add anything as far as dysfunctional family members goes..

> > >

> > > All in all, it's tame letter from aunt compared to the other stuff I

> see

> > other people sahring, so I'm counting my blessings. Thanks again for

> letting

> > me talk out loud. And I'm so thankful for counseling--not looking forward

> to

> > the 3 wk hiatus with her vacation and mine, though.

> > >

> > > okay, I'm sleepy, so I ramble. Night, all.

> > >

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

If I knew about the bugs, I probably would have declined the friend request

and said " Sorry, I prefer to keep family off of FB " though that's a complete

lie. I do love the " computer bug " excuse for those computer illiterate. FB

is a little bit frustrating, especially since it's not only computer-access

privacy that's buggy, but it's also that the FB phone apps apparently

circumvent privacy settings. Maybe that's how boss somehow finds out about

your stuff, through her phone?

I could defriend her, as she said would be okay in her message, but part of

me is toying with the idea of just letting her have full access. Let her be

shocked at how bad Fada really is! (I'm frank about that on FB, as I am with

my depression, counseling, etc. Perhaps that's a flaw of mine, but I think

it's a reaction to the whole keeping secrets thing that I had to do while

growing up.)

I have to mull things over for a while yet, first.

On Thu, Jul 21, 2011 at 8:00 AM, Girlscout Cowboy <

girlscout.cowboy@...> wrote:

> **

>

>

> I agree, I play with facebook privacy settings all the time. i have waif

> boss' acccess very limited. But she can still go to my wall. Facebook is so

> buggy though that when she discovers she can't do something, I can just

> explain it away as a bug, she is terrible with computers. But, somehow she

> alway manages to find stuff out that I post. I don't post anything about

> her. I use it to promote my art, my blog, and just make silly party chat. I

> talk about fashion trends, local architecture, promote events. That said, I

> don't think I would acceept her friend request.

>

>

> On Thu, Jul 21, 2011 at 4:26 AM, Holly Lipschultz <

> hollymichellebyers@...> wrote:

>

> > and Echobabe, thanks for the feedback. And , thank you so

> much

> > for the suggested reply! I found out from DH that apparently iPhone and

> > iPod

> > touch facebook apps are all buggy, and somehow circumvent privacy

> settings.

> > Dunno if she has an iPhone, but it's possible.

> >

> > but yes. I think that a short but sweet reply is a good thing.She's

> usually

> > pretty reasonable, but then again, I don't know her that well.

> >

> > I'm a little bit pissed about this and a few other things--so I will

> reply

> > to aunt later on after I've relaxed and had some tea. My cats seem to be

> > conspiring to keep me from going to work--they some show unplugged my

> alarm

>

> > clock while playing around the bedroom all night last night. >.<

> >

> > On Thu, Jul 21, 2011 at 12:07 AM, afldancer

> > wrote:

> >

> > > **

> > >

> > >

> > > Facebook is a strange thing. I just learned that the best rule was to

> not

> > > really share personal things like that on Facebook. If I want advice

> > about a

> > > specific situation, it's best to ask people specifically rather than

> post

> > it

> > > on your Facebook profile, because no matter what you do, no matter what

> > kind

> > > of security settings you set, we here on this board can testify again

> and

> > > again to people being harassed through Facebook. So a lot of us keep

> > > Facebook profiles but keep them very superficial.

> > >

> > > I cut my family off of Facebook and, initially, told them all that I

> > chose

> > > to interact with family face-to-face. Facebook is for high school and

> > > college reunions and work networking, but not for family.

> > >

> > > If she is truly flying monkey, she may have deceptively looked at your

> > > profile. Or she could honestly have been able to get through. Facebook

> > > privacy settings are always changing and like a Rubix cube, you can

> never

> > > figure it out because once you change one setting, it sets off another.

> > >

> > > If you feel badly or just want to keep peace, you could maybe just say

> > " you

> > > didn't intent to hurt her feelings, but you would like to keep family

> > > separate from Facebook. " And that's it. You don't have to explain

> > yourself,

> > > just say that's the way you want it. And don't apologize or say you're

> > > sorry, because that can be opening a door for guilt, shame, etc. I

> think

> > it

> > > would be safe to use the above phrasing though, just to keep peace, if

> > your

> > > aunt is usually reasonable.

> > >

> > > HOpe that helps!

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > > >

> > > > I think I posted last week about how my aunt added me on FB. I

> > > researched, tested out security settings, and set it so that as soon as

> I

> > > added my aunt, I added her to a friends list called " restricted

> profile. "

> > > And my settings for that profile is so that she can't see my wall. Not

> at

> > > all. Zilch. Didn't trust her yet.

> > > >

> > > > I tested it thoroughly (so I thought) and then that would be what I

> can

> > > handle.

> > > >

> > > > Then I got a message from her today. Sent me into a panic, but then I

> > was

> > > able to calm myself down pretty quickly. Here's what she said:

> > > >

> > > > Holly, Read what u wrote on FB concerning my request to be friends.

> > Have

> > > to say that it hurt my feelings. I really have no ulterior motive than

> to

> > > just keep up with what is going on in your life...like I do with my

> other

> > > nieces and nephews. If you really feel that being friends with me

> > > compromises your principles I will totally suport your decision not to

> be

> > > friends any more. If you have future concerns about our relationship

> then

> > > please talk with me first so that misunderstandings are avoided. Hope

> all

> > is

> > > going well in [city redacted].

> > > >

> > > >

> > > > I'm still sorting out all the thoughts on this. First thought was, FB

> > > security must be lax! But no, it really can't be. I went back and

> > > checked--there should be absolutely no way she can see my wall, where I

> > > posted asking good friends for advice.

> > > >

> > > > So, it's possible that she somehow saw my wall another way--nobody

> can

> > > see any of my stuff when they search for me, except for my profile

> > picture.

> > > So she couldn't have logged out to see my wall. It's got to be somebody

> > else

> > > on FB. My suspicion might be my cousin, the only cousin from mom's side

> > of

> > > the family on FB. It's possible my mom's brother and sister in law can

> > > access my highschooler cousin's profile, and see me that way. and then

> > told

> > > my aunt what I said. I have no proof--it's just conjecture. But I do

> have

> > to

> > > entertain that thought.

> > > >

> > > > Either way, I feel like my aunt is still being untrustworthy--I don't

> > > know if it's her, or if someone told her, or what.

> > > >

> > > > Also, I'm a little bit confused. Principles? In my last email to her,

> > > when she tried to be a flying monkey for a little while, I told her I

> > needed

> > > to protect myself from my dad's emotional abuse. It ain't principles,

> > it's

> > > protection. I deserve to be loved (an affirmation from counseling.) I

> > don't

> > > deserve abuse. Hence, I drew the line when my parents couldn't

> understand

> > > the difference between love and abuse.

> > > >

> > > > She oculdn't understand it then, she can't understand it now.

> > > >

> > > > I do understand that I could have done better by talking with her,

> and

> > I

> > > meant to. But a) I didn't trust her. I've been busy with my

> wonderful

> > > in-laws in town. c) grad school--sort of ran out of time.

> > > >

> > > > And perhaps d) I was afraid to. I was afraid of starting up the

> flying

> > > moneky business again---and either way, if I friended her or not, I was

> > > afraid of what the reaction might be. So,I thought restricted FB would

> do

> > > the trick.

> > > >

> > > > So, tomorrow when i'm more awake (I'm dead tired) I will have to

> > restrict

> > > access my cousin has to my profile and wall.

> > > >

> > > > I just wanted to talk out loud. At first I felt ashamed, but the more

> I

> > > think about it, the more I wonder if this is further proof that it's a

> > good

> > > thing I'm LC with aunt.

> > > >

> > > > Facebook is so nice for keeping in touch with a lot of people--I was

> > able

> > > to foster communication with DH when we first met, was able to connect

> > with

> > > classmates outside of online school, meet people, etc. But as soon as

> you

> > > add anything as far as dysfunctional family members goes..

> > > >

> > > > All in all, it's tame letter from aunt compared to the other stuff I

> > see

> > > other people sahring, so I'm counting my blessings. Thanks again for

> > letting

> > > me talk out loud. And I'm so thankful for counseling--not looking

> forward

> > to

> > > the 3 wk hiatus with her vacation and mine, though.

> > > >

> > > > okay, I'm sleepy, so I ramble. Night, all.

> > > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

I'm sorry that happened to you, Holly. It must feel like a huge invasion of

privacy.

I have a " limited profile " group, too, that can only see my profile photo and

basic info. Before I blocked my mom and dad (who only joined to try to find out

more about my life), they were in that group, as are most of the people their

age from my hometown and any other relatives I don't completely trust.

You probably did this, but for those who would like to play with their settings,

you can preview what your profile looks like to different people. Go to

Account>Privacy Settings. Click the " customize settings " link at the bottom of

the box. From there, click the " Preview My Profile " button on the top right. You

can then enter the name of any fb " friend " and see what your profile would look

like to them.

If you do this with Aunt's name and things look the way you intended them to,

then you know she got her info from someone else.

Also, FB rolled out new changes a while back. You can change sharing settings

directly from the status update box; you might double-check that they didn't

reset that to default or it didn't get accidentally adjusted somehow.

(((Holly)))Again, sorry that you're having to deal with that.

Sveta

[Guest guest]

FB is such a pain in the arse sometimes. I love it for some things, but family

is where it gets super complicated.

I just friended my aunt this week (nada's non-bpd sister) and posted happy

birthday on her wall. Sure enough, nada saw it and left a tearful message about

how I had " broken her heart " and how dare I friend her sister when nada " did all

the work (in raising me). " I'm just going to let that one simmer down a bit and

may just ignore it all together, since that's what she does when she rages.

I may just have to go back to my no family on FB policy...

>

> I think I posted last week about how my aunt added me on FB. I researched,

tested out security settings, and set it so that as soon as I added my aunt, I

added her to a friends list called " restricted profile. " And my settings for

that profile is so that she can't see my wall. Not at all. Zilch. Didn't trust

her yet.

>

> I tested it thoroughly (so I thought) and then that would be what I can

handle.

>

> Then I got a message from her today. Sent me into a panic, but then I was able

to calm myself down pretty quickly. Here's what she said:

>

> Holly, Read what u wrote on FB concerning my request to be friends. Have to

say that it hurt my feelings. I really have no ulterior motive than to just keep

up with what is going on in your life...like I do with my other nieces and

nephews. If you really feel that being friends with me compromises your

principles I will totally suport your decision not to be friends any more. If

you have future concerns about our relationship then please talk with me first

so that misunderstandings are avoided. Hope all is going well in [city

redacted].

>

>

> I'm still sorting out all the thoughts on this. First thought was, FB security

must be lax! But no, it really can't be. I went back and checked--there should

be absolutely no way she can see my wall, where I posted asking good friends for

advice.

>

> So, it's possible that she somehow saw my wall another way--nobody can see any

of my stuff when they search for me, except for my profile picture. So she

couldn't have logged out to see my wall. It's got to be somebody else on FB. My

suspicion might be my cousin, the only cousin from mom's side of the family on

FB. It's possible my mom's brother and sister in law can access my highschooler

cousin's profile, and see me that way. and then told my aunt what I said. I have

no proof--it's just conjecture. But I do have to entertain that thought.

>

> Either way, I feel like my aunt is still being untrustworthy--I don't know if

it's her, or if someone told her, or what.

>

> Also, I'm a little bit confused. Principles? In my last email to her, when she

tried to be a flying monkey for a little while, I told her I needed to protect

myself from my dad's emotional abuse. It ain't principles, it's protection. I

deserve to be loved (an affirmation from counseling.) I don't deserve abuse.

Hence, I drew the line when my parents couldn't understand the difference

between love and abuse.

>

> She oculdn't understand it then, she can't understand it now.

>

> I do understand that I could have done better by talking with her, and I meant

to. But a) I didn't trust her. I've been busy with my wonderful in-laws in

town. c) grad school--sort of ran out of time.

>

> And perhaps d) I was afraid to. I was afraid of starting up the flying moneky

business again---and either way, if I friended her or not, I was afraid of what

the reaction might be. So,I thought restricted FB would do the trick.

>

> So, tomorrow when i'm more awake (I'm dead tired) I will have to restrict

access my cousin has to my profile and wall.

>

> I just wanted to talk out loud. At first I felt ashamed, but the more I think

about it, the more I wonder if this is further proof that it's a good thing I'm

LC with aunt.

>

> Facebook is so nice for keeping in touch with a lot of people--I was able to

foster communication with DH when we first met, was able to connect with

classmates outside of online school, meet people, etc. But as soon as you add

anything as far as dysfunctional family members goes..

>

> All in all, it's tame letter from aunt compared to the other stuff I see other

people sahring, so I'm counting my blessings. Thanks again for letting me talk

out loud. And I'm so thankful for counseling--not looking forward to the 3 wk

hiatus with her vacation and mine, though.

>

> okay, I'm sleepy, so I ramble. Night, all.

>

[Guest guest]

Argh! How inappropriate of your nada!

My in laws and his family are perfectly fine on there. My (not related)

grandma is on there, and she's fine. I have a cousin on there from my dad's

side and it's fine...it's just my mom's side that's so messed up. So will

probably have to do a " nothing from mom's side " rule.

The funny thing is my dishrag mom and aunt had a nada of some sort. Dunno

what it is that she has--but some sort of bad PD. Apparently aunt is friends

with her nada on FB. Even more of a reason to stay away. O.o

On Thu, Jul 21, 2011 at 2:26 PM, yenimaria007 wrote:

> **

>

>

> FB is such a pain in the arse sometimes. I love it for some things, but

> family is where it gets super complicated.

> I just friended my aunt this week (nada's non-bpd sister) and posted happy

> birthday on her wall. Sure enough, nada saw it and left a tearful message

> about how I had " broken her heart " and how dare I friend her sister when

> nada " did all the work (in raising me). " I'm just going to let that one

> simmer down a bit and may just ignore it all together, since that's what she

> does when she rages.

> I may just have to go back to my no family on FB policy...

>

>

>

> >

> > I think I posted last week about how my aunt added me on FB. I

> researched, tested out security settings, and set it so that as soon as I

> added my aunt, I added her to a friends list called " restricted profile. "

> And my settings for that profile is so that she can't see my wall. Not at

> all. Zilch. Didn't trust her yet.

> >

> > I tested it thoroughly (so I thought) and then that would be what I can

> handle.

> >

> > Then I got a message from her today. Sent me into a panic, but then I was

> able to calm myself down pretty quickly. Here's what she said:

> >

> > Holly, Read what u wrote on FB concerning my request to be friends. Have

> to say that it hurt my feelings. I really have no ulterior motive than to

> just keep up with what is going on in your life...like I do with my other

> nieces and nephews. If you really feel that being friends with me

> compromises your principles I will totally suport your decision not to be

> friends any more. If you have future concerns about our relationship then

> please talk with me first so that misunderstandings are avoided. Hope all is

> going well in [city redacted].

> >

> >

> > I'm still sorting out all the thoughts on this. First thought was, FB

> security must be lax! But no, it really can't be. I went back and

> checked--there should be absolutely no way she can see my wall, where I

> posted asking good friends for advice.

> >

> > So, it's possible that she somehow saw my wall another way--nobody can

> see any of my stuff when they search for me, except for my profile picture.

> So she couldn't have logged out to see my wall. It's got to be somebody else

> on FB. My suspicion might be my cousin, the only cousin from mom's side of

> the family on FB. It's possible my mom's brother and sister in law can

> access my highschooler cousin's profile, and see me that way. and then told

> my aunt what I said. I have no proof--it's just conjecture. But I do have to

> entertain that thought.

> >

> > Either way, I feel like my aunt is still being untrustworthy--I don't

> know if it's her, or if someone told her, or what.

> >

> > Also, I'm a little bit confused. Principles? In my last email to her,

> when she tried to be a flying monkey for a little while, I told her I needed

> to protect myself from my dad's emotional abuse. It ain't principles, it's

> protection. I deserve to be loved (an affirmation from counseling.) I don't

> deserve abuse. Hence, I drew the line when my parents couldn't understand

> the difference between love and abuse.

> >

> > She oculdn't understand it then, she can't understand it now.

> >

> > I do understand that I could have done better by talking with her, and I

> meant to. But a) I didn't trust her. I've been busy with my wonderful

> in-laws in town. c) grad school--sort of ran out of time.

> >

> > And perhaps d) I was afraid to. I was afraid of starting up the flying

> moneky business again---and either way, if I friended her or not, I was

> afraid of what the reaction might be. So,I thought restricted FB would do

> the trick.

> >

> > So, tomorrow when i'm more awake (I'm dead tired) I will have to restrict

> access my cousin has to my profile and wall.

> >

> > I just wanted to talk out loud. At first I felt ashamed, but the more I

> think about it, the more I wonder if this is further proof that it's a good

> thing I'm LC with aunt.

> >

> > Facebook is so nice for keeping in touch with a lot of people--I was able

> to foster communication with DH when we first met, was able to connect with

> classmates outside of online school, meet people, etc. But as soon as you

> add anything as far as dysfunctional family members goes..

> >

> > All in all, it's tame letter from aunt compared to the other stuff I see

> other people sahring, so I'm counting my blessings. Thanks again for letting

> me talk out loud. And I'm so thankful for counseling--not looking forward to

> the 3 wk hiatus with her vacation and mine, though.

> >

> > okay, I'm sleepy, so I ramble. Night, all.

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

My stepmom refuses to be my facebook friend, which is ok by me.  The funny

thing is, she only has 4 friends, my stepsister that lives in Wyoming, my two

nephews, and my stepbrother's exwife.  They have three girls, so she is the

mother of my stepmom's grandchildren.  What really is funny is when my

stepbrother was alive and going through his divorce, all my stepmom could do was

complain about how badly the soon to be ex(at the time) was treating her son,

and what a bad person she was, etc.  Now, this ex daughter in law is good

enough to be her facebook friend, but not me.  It's just one of those things

that makes you go " hmmm " .

Janet

 Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own

understanding.

 In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.

 Be not wise in thine own eyes: fear the LORD, and depart from evil.

 It shall be health to thy navel, and marrow to thy bones.

Proverbs 3:5-8

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Thursday, July 21, 2011 2:26 PM

Subject: Re: aunt on FB

 

FB is such a pain in the arse sometimes. I love it for some things, but family

is where it gets super complicated.

I just friended my aunt this week (nada's non-bpd sister) and posted happy

birthday on her wall. Sure enough, nada saw it and left a tearful message about

how I had " broken her heart " and how dare I friend her sister when nada " did all

the work (in raising me). " I'm just going to let that one simmer down a bit and

may just ignore it all together, since that's what she does when she rages.

I may just have to go back to my no family on FB policy...

>

> I think I posted last week about how my aunt added me on FB. I researched,

tested out security settings, and set it so that as soon as I added my aunt, I

added her to a friends list called " restricted profile. " And my settings for

that profile is so that she can't see my wall. Not at all. Zilch. Didn't trust

her yet.

>

> I tested it thoroughly (so I thought) and then that would be what I can

handle.

>

> Then I got a message from her today. Sent me into a panic, but then I was able

to calm myself down pretty quickly. Here's what she said:

>

> Holly, Read what u wrote on FB concerning my request to be friends. Have to

say that it hurt my feelings. I really have no ulterior motive than to just keep

up with what is going on in your life...like I do with my other nieces and

nephews. If you really feel that being friends with me compromises your

principles I will totally suport your decision not to be friends any more. If

you have future concerns about our relationship then please talk with me first

so that misunderstandings are avoided. Hope all is going well in [city

redacted].

>

>

> I'm still sorting out all the thoughts on this. First thought was, FB security

must be lax! But no, it really can't be. I went back and checked--there should

be absolutely no way she can see my wall, where I posted asking good friends for

advice.

>

> So, it's possible that she somehow saw my wall another way--nobody can see any

of my stuff when they search for me, except for my profile picture. So she

couldn't have logged out to see my wall. It's got to be somebody else on FB. My

suspicion might be my cousin, the only cousin from mom's side of the family on

FB. It's possible my mom's brother and sister in law can access my highschooler

cousin's profile, and see me that way. and then told my aunt what I said. I have

no proof--it's just conjecture. But I do have to entertain that thought.

>

> Either way, I feel like my aunt is still being untrustworthy--I don't know if

it's her, or if someone told her, or what.

>

> Also, I'm a little bit confused. Principles? In my last email to her, when she

tried to be a flying monkey for a little while, I told her I needed to protect

myself from my dad's emotional abuse. It ain't principles, it's protection. I

deserve to be loved (an affirmation from counseling.) I don't deserve abuse.

Hence, I drew the line when my parents couldn't understand the difference

between love and abuse.

>

> She oculdn't understand it then, she can't understand it now.

>

> I do understand that I could have done better by talking with her, and I meant

to. But a) I didn't trust her. I've been busy with my wonderful in-laws in

town. c) grad school--sort of ran out of time.

>

> And perhaps d) I was afraid to. I was afraid of starting up the flying moneky

business again---and either way, if I friended her or not, I was afraid of what

the reaction might be. So,I thought restricted FB would do the trick.

>

> So, tomorrow when i'm more awake (I'm dead tired) I will have to restrict

access my cousin has to my profile and wall.

>

> I just wanted to talk out loud. At first I felt ashamed, but the more I think

about it, the more I wonder if this is further proof that it's a good thing I'm

LC with aunt.

>

> Facebook is so nice for keeping in touch with a lot of people--I was able to

foster communication with DH when we first met, was able to connect with

classmates outside of online school, meet people, etc. But as soon as you add

anything as far as dysfunctional family members goes..

>

> All in all, it's tame letter from aunt compared to the other stuff I see other

people sahring, so I'm counting my blessings. Thanks again for letting me talk

out loud. And I'm so thankful for counseling--not looking forward to the 3 wk

hiatus with her vacation and mine, though.

>

> okay, I'm sleepy, so I ramble. Night, all.

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Holly,

I am writing as someone who has become a master at locking Facebook down. It

has gotten to the point that I have specific security categories: blocked,

super locked down and locked down. I have also several policies that I abide

by that makes it easier to handle people I don't want to be friends with or

people I don't want to be real friends with (yes it does take that much

attention, dedication, and level of professionalism haha). The key is to

customize that security crap to your satisfaction so you feel safe and can

still have a good time on Facebook once these annoyances have been taken

care of.

Let me give you my two lockdown level definitions.

Blocked: That includes nada, fada, their siblings, close friends and

relatives, and anyone else they might use or have used in the past as flying

monkeys. I also included in this category pretty much anyone who has contact

with them whose computer or account they might use to snoop on me. Don't

trust anyone.

Super locked down: This I think was the initial Limited Profile that

Facebook offers but that I then customized it. The only thing that a person

under this level can see is the most basic information that they for sure

already know: profile pic, city, where I went to school, an email address

that they will probably never use and that's about it. No wall access and no

photo access. If someone asks about it, I just act stupid like I don't know

how to change the settings on my profile.

Locked Down: This is more of a No Update profile. It's more for people that

I'm friendly with but still don't trust completely. It gives them access to

a few more things just to make it feel like they are a real friend and that

this is a real profile, even though the information I reveal is very

limited. I let them see a couple old pictures that I don't really care

about, they can see a couple basic harmless actions that I perform on my

wall, but they definitely cannot see anything I post to my friends or

anything my friends post on my wall, basically anything that would give

either group ammunition to start flying monkey business or any sort of

gossip in general. Basically it just looks like I'm not on Facebook very

often, so they have nothing to be offended by or suspicious of.

For a few random aunts and cousins not connected to nada but who are

annoying in their own right and prone to gossip, I set a fourth profile

which is pretty much the same as No Update but allows them to see a couple

extra old photo albums of trips I've taken so they can feel included in my

life without me actually having to deal with them.

My general policy is that Facebook is for me and my friends. It is not

called Familybook or Stupidflyingmonkeybook. I only friend (fully) people of

my generation (late twenties, early thirties). Anyone else is not looking to

be my friend but rather gather information about me so they either don't

become my friend at all or go into one of the two categories of lockdown.

Another good strategy for not kicking up dirt is to friend someone at first

as long as you don't mind them seeing yourself for a few days and once

they've forgotten and have moved back to their regular friends' updates, you

can set them to No Update List or Limited Profile without them probably even

knowing. Then you don't have to worry about them reading your wall and

reporting it to other people. It will just look like you are incredibly

boring and don't post a lot. Or if they ask, just act dumb like you didn't

know the settings were set like that.

It's not your job to make her understand. I know you may want to, I did for

a long time with a couple of my aunts and uncles, but I found the more I

tried to persuade them, the more desperate it just made me look. And I'm at

a point now where I have nothing to prove as I didn't do anything wrong.

Also, since I have been NC for 2.5 years now, including NC with any flying

monkeys who might relay messages to or from nada, I think her crazy is

starting to speak for itself. Now that I am out of the picture and my fada

divorced her, she's had to find other people to lash out at and I doubt

she's at a point where she can keep a lid on her crazy the way she might

have been able to. So if anything, people are probably getting why I went NC

even though I haven't talked to them and I'm getting the sense that people

are starting to get it as she starts antagonizing others now that she can't

attack her immediate family.

It is possible, probable even, that relatives use their kids profiles,

friends' or other relatives profiles that they know you might be close to.

Don't assume they are cyberstalking you just as themselves. In fact the

whole concept of cyberstalking is that there is anonymity and no

accountability.

It sounds like she is being untrustworthy especially if it appears she is

gleaning information about you elsewhere, not from direct communication with

you. Trust your gut. If it looks like a rat and smells like a rat... Not to

mention the fact that that message had guilt-trip written all over it; if

she were truly concerned with your well being and has a genuine relationship

with you, there would be no need for the unpleasantness she invoked. She

could have tried to understand your reservations and done something to

comfort or put you at ease, but the fact that she did the opposite, it's

probably quite warranted that your warning bells went off.

You're probably right about the flying monkey business, which is often a

damned if you do, damned if you don't situation. There's a good chance she's

being affected by that and seems to be suffering from some black-and-white

thinking of her own, she's either friended or offended with no middle ground

in between and not really wanting to understand any explanation from you

about what your reasons might be for doing what you've done.

Personally, I say to hell with it. If she hasn't understood or been on your

side by now, she's not going to. Attempts at contact at this point only have

the purpose of gathering information about you either for herself or for

other people, genuine concern for you does not seem to be her primary reason

of contact.

Focus on the wonderful inlaws. You have good people in your life. They are

the ones who deserve your attention and energy and oh yeah make you feel

good in return. Who woulda thunk? = )

Cheers and here's to keeping it locked down. = )

> **

>

>

> My stepmom refuses to be my facebook friend, which is ok by me. The funny

> thing is, she only has 4 friends, my stepsister that lives in Wyoming, my

> two nephews, and my stepbrother's exwife. They have three girls, so she is

> the mother of my stepmom's grandchildren. What really is funny is when my

> stepbrother was alive and going through his divorce, all my stepmom could do

> was complain about how badly the soon to be ex(at the time) was treating her

> son, and what a bad person she was, etc. Now, this ex daughter in law is

> good enough to be her facebook friend, but not me. It's just one of those

> things that makes you go " hmmm " .

> Janet

>

> Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own

> understanding.

> In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.

> Be not wise in thine own eyes: fear the LORD, and depart from evil.

> It shall be health to thy navel, and marrow to thy bones.

> Proverbs 3:5-8

>

>

> To: WTOAdultChildren1

> Sent: Thursday, July 21, 2011 2:26 PM

> Subject: Re: aunt on FB

>

>

>

> FB is such a pain in the arse sometimes. I love it for some things, but

> family is where it gets super complicated.

> I just friended my aunt this week (nada's non-bpd sister) and posted happy

> birthday on her wall. Sure enough, nada saw it and left a tearful message

> about how I had " broken her heart " and how dare I friend her sister when

> nada " did all the work (in raising me). " I'm just going to let that one

> simmer down a bit and may just ignore it all together, since that's what she

> does when she rages.

> I may just have to go back to my no family on FB policy...

>

>

> >

> > I think I posted last week about how my aunt added me on FB. I

> researched, tested out security settings, and set it so that as soon as I

> added my aunt, I added her to a friends list called " restricted profile. "

> And my settings for that profile is so that she can't see my wall. Not at

> all. Zilch. Didn't trust her yet.

> >

> > I tested it thoroughly (so I thought) and then that would be what I can

> handle.

> >

> > Then I got a message from her today. Sent me into a panic, but then I was

> able to calm myself down pretty quickly. Here's what she said:

> >

> > Holly, Read what u wrote on FB concerning my request to be friends. Have

> to say that it hurt my feelings. I really have no ulterior motive than to

> just keep up with what is going on in your life...like I do with my other

> nieces and nephews. If you really feel that being friends with me

> compromises your principles I will totally suport your decision not to be

> friends any more. If you have future concerns about our relationship then

> please talk with me first so that misunderstandings are avoided. Hope all is

> going well in [city redacted].

> >

> >

> > I'm still sorting out all the thoughts on this. First thought was, FB

> security must be lax! But no, it really can't be. I went back and

> checked--there should be absolutely no way she can see my wall, where I

> posted asking good friends for advice.

> >

> > So, it's possible that she somehow saw my wall another way--nobody can

> see any of my stuff when they search for me, except for my profile picture.

> So she couldn't have logged out to see my wall. It's got to be somebody else

> on FB. My suspicion might be my cousin, the only cousin from mom's side of

> the family on FB. It's possible my mom's brother and sister in law can

> access my highschooler cousin's profile, and see me that way. and then told

> my aunt what I said. I have no proof--it's just conjecture. But I do have to

> entertain that thought.

> >

> > Either way, I feel like my aunt is still being untrustworthy--I don't

> know if it's her, or if someone told her, or what.

> >

> > Also, I'm a little bit confused. Principles? In my last email to her,

> when she tried to be a flying monkey for a little while, I told her I needed

> to protect myself from my dad's emotional abuse. It ain't principles, it's

> protection. I deserve to be loved (an affirmation from counseling.) I don't

> deserve abuse. Hence, I drew the line when my parents couldn't understand

> the difference between love and abuse.

> >

> > She oculdn't understand it then, she can't understand it now.

> >

> > I do understand that I could have done better by talking with her, and I

> meant to. But a) I didn't trust her. I've been busy with my wonderful

> in-laws in town. c) grad school--sort of ran out of time.

> >

> > And perhaps d) I was afraid to. I was afraid of starting up the flying

> moneky business again---and either way, if I friended her or not, I was

> afraid of what the reaction might be. So,I thought restricted FB would do

> the trick.

> >

> > So, tomorrow when i'm more awake (I'm dead tired) I will have to restrict

> access my cousin has to my profile and wall.

> >

> > I just wanted to talk out loud. At first I felt ashamed, but the more I

> think about it, the more I wonder if this is further proof that it's a good

> thing I'm LC with aunt.

> >

> > Facebook is so nice for keeping in touch with a lot of people--I was able

> to foster communication with DH when we first met, was able to connect with

> classmates outside of online school, meet people, etc. But as soon as you

> add anything as far as dysfunctional family members goes..

> >

> > All in all, it's tame letter from aunt compared to the other stuff I see

> other people sahring, so I'm counting my blessings. Thanks again for letting

> me talk out loud. And I'm so thankful for counseling--not looking forward to

> the 3 wk hiatus with her vacation and mine, though.

> >

> > okay, I'm sleepy, so I ramble. Night, all.

> >

>

>

[Guest guest]

littlepurplesticker, thank you sooo much for your help and feedback! I will

be playing around with FB some more this weekend, and yes, it's not

Stupidflyingmonkeybook, lol. I'm certain that my aunt is gathering info--not

just for herself but for my FOO. At first I thought, " oh no, what will she

tell them, that I'm talking about her? " and now I just don't give a damn

about the fact she felt hurt.

That's what I did--I created a " Restricted Profile " list and when I friended

her, she went directly on that where she can't see where I work, any of my

photo albums, no wall posts, nothing, but somehow, someway, she was able to

see my wall. I'm not sure, but FIL says he's certain someone relayed info

back to her, because there should be absolutely no way she could see that I

talked with friends about her.

May just have to defriend her just to keep it simple, but again, it's not

flyingmonkeybook.

On Fri, Jul 22, 2011 at 10:13 AM, littlepurplesticker <

littlepurplesticker@...> wrote:

> Hi Holly,

>

> I am writing as someone who has become a master at locking Facebook down.

> It

> has gotten to the point that I have specific security categories: blocked,

> super locked down and locked down. I have also several policies that I

> abide

> by that makes it easier to handle people I don't want to be friends with or

> people I don't want to be real friends with (yes it does take that much

> attention, dedication, and level of professionalism haha). The key is to

> customize that security crap to your satisfaction so you feel safe and can

> still have a good time on Facebook once these annoyances have been taken

> care of.

>

> Let me give you my two lockdown level definitions.

> Blocked: That includes nada, fada, their siblings, close friends and

> relatives, and anyone else they might use or have used in the past as

> flying

> monkeys. I also included in this category pretty much anyone who has

> contact

> with them whose computer or account they might use to snoop on me. Don't

> trust anyone.

> Super locked down: This I think was the initial Limited Profile that

> Facebook offers but that I then customized it. The only thing that a person

> under this level can see is the most basic information that they for sure

> already know: profile pic, city, where I went to school, an email address

> that they will probably never use and that's about it. No wall access and

> no

> photo access. If someone asks about it, I just act stupid like I don't know

> how to change the settings on my profile.

> Locked Down: This is more of a No Update profile. It's more for people that

> I'm friendly with but still don't trust completely. It gives them access to

> a few more things just to make it feel like they are a real friend and that

> this is a real profile, even though the information I reveal is very

> limited. I let them see a couple old pictures that I don't really care

> about, they can see a couple basic harmless actions that I perform on my

> wall, but they definitely cannot see anything I post to my friends or

> anything my friends post on my wall, basically anything that would give

> either group ammunition to start flying monkey business or any sort of

> gossip in general. Basically it just looks like I'm not on Facebook very

> often, so they have nothing to be offended by or suspicious of.

> For a few random aunts and cousins not connected to nada but who are

> annoying in their own right and prone to gossip, I set a fourth profile

> which is pretty much the same as No Update but allows them to see a couple

> extra old photo albums of trips I've taken so they can feel included in my

> life without me actually having to deal with them.

>

> My general policy is that Facebook is for me and my friends. It is not

> called Familybook or Stupidflyingmonkeybook. I only friend (fully) people

> of

> my generation (late twenties, early thirties). Anyone else is not looking

> to

> be my friend but rather gather information about me so they either don't

> become my friend at all or go into one of the two categories of lockdown.

>

> Another good strategy for not kicking up dirt is to friend someone at first

> as long as you don't mind them seeing yourself for a few days and once

> they've forgotten and have moved back to their regular friends' updates,

> you

> can set them to No Update List or Limited Profile without them probably

> even

> knowing. Then you don't have to worry about them reading your wall and

> reporting it to other people. It will just look like you are incredibly

> boring and don't post a lot. Or if they ask, just act dumb like you didn't

> know the settings were set like that.

>

> It's not your job to make her understand. I know you may want to, I did for

> a long time with a couple of my aunts and uncles, but I found the more I

> tried to persuade them, the more desperate it just made me look. And I'm at

> a point now where I have nothing to prove as I didn't do anything wrong.

> Also, since I have been NC for 2.5 years now, including NC with any flying

> monkeys who might relay messages to or from nada, I think her crazy is

> starting to speak for itself. Now that I am out of the picture and my fada

> divorced her, she's had to find other people to lash out at and I doubt

> she's at a point where she can keep a lid on her crazy the way she might

> have been able to. So if anything, people are probably getting why I went

> NC

> even though I haven't talked to them and I'm getting the sense that people

> are starting to get it as she starts antagonizing others now that she can't

> attack her immediate family.

>

> It is possible, probable even, that relatives use their kids profiles,

> friends' or other relatives profiles that they know you might be close to.

> Don't assume they are cyberstalking you just as themselves. In fact the

> whole concept of cyberstalking is that there is anonymity and no

> accountability.

>

> It sounds like she is being untrustworthy especially if it appears she is

> gleaning information about you elsewhere, not from direct communication

> with

> you. Trust your gut. If it looks like a rat and smells like a rat... Not to

> mention the fact that that message had guilt-trip written all over it; if

> she were truly concerned with your well being and has a genuine

> relationship

> with you, there would be no need for the unpleasantness she invoked. She

> could have tried to understand your reservations and done something to

> comfort or put you at ease, but the fact that she did the opposite, it's

> probably quite warranted that your warning bells went off.

>

> You're probably right about the flying monkey business, which is often a

> damned if you do, damned if you don't situation. There's a good chance

> she's

> being affected by that and seems to be suffering from some black-and-white

> thinking of her own, she's either friended or offended with no middle

> ground

> in between and not really wanting to understand any explanation from you

> about what your reasons might be for doing what you've done.

>

> Personally, I say to hell with it. If she hasn't understood or been on your

> side by now, she's not going to. Attempts at contact at this point only

> have

> the purpose of gathering information about you either for herself or for

> other people, genuine concern for you does not seem to be her primary

> reason

> of contact.

>

> Focus on the wonderful inlaws. You have good people in your life. They are

> the ones who deserve your attention and energy and oh yeah make you feel

> good in return. Who woulda thunk? = )

>

> Cheers and here's to keeping it locked down. = )

>

>

>

>

> > **

> >

> >

> > My stepmom refuses to be my facebook friend, which is ok by me. The

> funny

> > thing is, she only has 4 friends, my stepsister that lives in Wyoming, my

> > two nephews, and my stepbrother's exwife. They have three girls, so she

> is

> > the mother of my stepmom's grandchildren. What really is funny is when

> my

> > stepbrother was alive and going through his divorce, all my stepmom could

> do

> > was complain about how badly the soon to be ex(at the time) was treating

> her

> > son, and what a bad person she was, etc. Now, this ex daughter in law is

> > good enough to be her facebook friend, but not me. It's just one of

> those

> > things that makes you go " hmmm " .

> > Janet

> >

> > Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own

> > understanding.

> > In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.

> > Be not wise in thine own eyes: fear the LORD, and depart from evil.

> > It shall be health to thy navel, and marrow to thy bones.

> > Proverbs 3:5-8

> >

> >

> > To: WTOAdultChildren1

> > Sent: Thursday, July 21, 2011 2:26 PM

> > Subject: Re: aunt on FB

> >

> >

> >

> > FB is such a pain in the arse sometimes. I love it for some things, but

> > family is where it gets super complicated.

> > I just friended my aunt this week (nada's non-bpd sister) and posted

> happy

> > birthday on her wall. Sure enough, nada saw it and left a tearful message

> > about how I had " broken her heart " and how dare I friend her sister when

> > nada " did all the work (in raising me). " I'm just going to let that one

> > simmer down a bit and may just ignore it all together, since that's what

> she

> > does when she rages.

> > I may just have to go back to my no family on FB policy...

> >

> >

> > >

> > > I think I posted last week about how my aunt added me on FB. I

> > researched, tested out security settings, and set it so that as soon as I

> > added my aunt, I added her to a friends list called " restricted profile. "

> > And my settings for that profile is so that she can't see my wall. Not at

> > all. Zilch. Didn't trust her yet.

> > >

> > > I tested it thoroughly (so I thought) and then that would be what I can

> > handle.

> > >

> > > Then I got a message from her today. Sent me into a panic, but then I

> was

> > able to calm myself down pretty quickly. Here's what she said:

> > >

> > > Holly, Read what u wrote on FB concerning my request to be friends.

> Have

> > to say that it hurt my feelings. I really have no ulterior motive than to

> > just keep up with what is going on in your life...like I do with my other

> > nieces and nephews. If you really feel that being friends with me

> > compromises your principles I will totally suport your decision not to be

> > friends any more. If you have future concerns about our relationship then

> > please talk with me first so that misunderstandings are avoided. Hope all

> is

> > going well in [city redacted].

> > >

> > >

> > > I'm still sorting out all the thoughts on this. First thought was, FB

> > security must be lax! But no, it really can't be. I went back and

> > checked--there should be absolutely no way she can see my wall, where I

> > posted asking good friends for advice.

> > >

> > > So, it's possible that she somehow saw my wall another way--nobody can

> > see any of my stuff when they search for me, except for my profile

> picture.

> > So she couldn't have logged out to see my wall. It's got to be somebody

> else

> > on FB. My suspicion might be my cousin, the only cousin from mom's side

> of

> > the family on FB. It's possible my mom's brother and sister in law can

> > access my highschooler cousin's profile, and see me that way. and then

> told

> > my aunt what I said. I have no proof--it's just conjecture. But I do have

> to

> > entertain that thought.

> > >

> > > Either way, I feel like my aunt is still being untrustworthy--I don't

> > know if it's her, or if someone told her, or what.

> > >

> > > Also, I'm a little bit confused. Principles? In my last email to her,

> > when she tried to be a flying monkey for a little while, I told her I

> needed

> > to protect myself from my dad's emotional abuse. It ain't principles,

> it's

> > protection. I deserve to be loved (an affirmation from counseling.) I

> don't

> > deserve abuse. Hence, I drew the line when my parents couldn't understand

> > the difference between love and abuse.

> > >

> > > She oculdn't understand it then, she can't understand it now.

> > >

> > > I do understand that I could have done better by talking with her, and

> I

> > meant to. But a) I didn't trust her. I've been busy with my wonderful

> > in-laws in town. c) grad school--sort of ran out of time.

> > >

> > > And perhaps d) I was afraid to. I was afraid of starting up the flying

> > moneky business again---and either way, if I friended her or not, I was

> > afraid of what the reaction might be. So,I thought restricted FB would do

> > the trick.

> > >

> > > So, tomorrow when i'm more awake (I'm dead tired) I will have to

> restrict

> > access my cousin has to my profile and wall.

> > >

> > > I just wanted to talk out loud. At first I felt ashamed, but the more I

> > think about it, the more I wonder if this is further proof that it's a

> good

> > thing I'm LC with aunt.

> > >

> > > Facebook is so nice for keeping in touch with a lot of people--I was

> able

> > to foster communication with DH when we first met, was able to connect

> with

> > classmates outside of online school, meet people, etc. But as soon as you

> > add anything as far as dysfunctional family members goes..

> > >

> > > All in all, it's tame letter from aunt compared to the other stuff I

> see

> > other people sahring, so I'm counting my blessings. Thanks again for

> letting

> > me talk out loud. And I'm so thankful for counseling--not looking forward

> to

> > the 3 wk hiatus with her vacation and mine, though.

> > >

> > > okay, I'm sleepy, so I ramble. Night, all.

> > >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

I guess what I am thinking of is about how you said she 'tried to be a flying

monkey for a while'. She apparently didn't care about your feelings when she did

this. What's good for the goose is good for the gander. You did not

intentionally hurt her, but somehow she saw it and got hurt. Oh well, what goes

around comes around. It's possible someone saw it and sent it to her to

see...again, oh well, assumption of risk on both of their parts.

I love how you put this:

" I

deserve to be loved (an affirmation from counseling.) I don't deserve abuse.

Hence, I drew the line when my parents couldn't understand the difference

between love and abuse. "

That is really brilliant. I am going through the same thing with my mother. I am

so disgusted by her right now I can barely look at her. Processing stuff with a

therapist has really helped me, unfortunately it's probably the death knell of

our relationship...which is longggggggggggg overdue.

One thing I realize is my mother consistently invalidated me when she should

have supported me, because she was trying to keep the family system in tact and

shore up the dysfunction. I could never figure out why she was doing that

because it was so painful. It made me frantic, made me consistently question

myself and over-explain every move I made, and I see some of that in your post.

You don't have to make excuses to anyone or explain your decision. It's YOUR

facebook. Your aunt read that and she could have chosen to take it at face value

and ignore it. Instead, she chose to confront you, and she wrote you telling you

to 'talk to her first' or whatever, which you don't owe her. You can handle it

however you need to handle it, and if she doesn't like it that's her problem.

>

> I think I posted last week about how my aunt added me on FB. I researched,

tested out security settings, and set it so that as soon as I added my aunt, I

added her to a friends list called " restricted profile. " And my settings for

that profile is so that she can't see my wall. Not at all. Zilch. Didn't trust

her yet.

>

> I tested it thoroughly (so I thought) and then that would be what I can

handle.

>

> Then I got a message from her today. Sent me into a panic, but then I was able

to calm myself down pretty quickly. Here's what she said:

>

> Holly, Read what u wrote on FB concerning my request to be friends. Have to

say that it hurt my feelings. I really have no ulterior motive than to just keep

up with what is going on in your life...like I do with my other nieces and

nephews. If you really feel that being friends with me compromises your

principles I will totally suport your decision not to be friends any more. If

you have future concerns about our relationship then please talk with me first

so that misunderstandings are avoided. Hope all is going well in [city

redacted].

>

>

> I'm still sorting out all the thoughts on this. First thought was, FB security

must be lax! But no, it really can't be. I went back and checked--there should

be absolutely no way she can see my wall, where I posted asking good friends for

advice.

>

> So, it's possible that she somehow saw my wall another way--nobody can see any

of my stuff when they search for me, except for my profile picture. So she

couldn't have logged out to see my wall. It's got to be somebody else on FB. My

suspicion might be my cousin, the only cousin from mom's side of the family on

FB. It's possible my mom's brother and sister in law can access my highschooler

cousin's profile, and see me that way. and then told my aunt what I said. I have

no proof--it's just conjecture. But I do have to entertain that thought.

>

> Either way, I feel like my aunt is still being untrustworthy--I don't know if

it's her, or if someone told her, or what.

>

> Also, I'm a little bit confused. Principles? In my last email to her, when she

tried to be a flying monkey for a little while, I told her I needed to protect

myself from my dad's emotional abuse. It ain't principles, it's protection. I

deserve to be loved (an affirmation from counseling.) I don't deserve abuse.

Hence, I drew the line when my parents couldn't understand the difference

between love and abuse.

>

> She oculdn't understand it then, she can't understand it now.

>

> I do understand that I could have done better by talking with her, and I meant

to. But a) I didn't trust her. I've been busy with my wonderful in-laws in

town. c) grad school--sort of ran out of time.

>

> And perhaps d) I was afraid to. I was afraid of starting up the flying moneky

business again---and either way, if I friended her or not, I was afraid of what

the reaction might be. So,I thought restricted FB would do the trick.

>

> So, tomorrow when i'm more awake (I'm dead tired) I will have to restrict

access my cousin has to my profile and wall.

>

> I just wanted to talk out loud. At first I felt ashamed, but the more I think

about it, the more I wonder if this is further proof that it's a good thing I'm

LC with aunt.

>

> Facebook is so nice for keeping in touch with a lot of people--I was able to

foster communication with DH when we first met, was able to connect with

classmates outside of online school, meet people, etc. But as soon as you add

anything as far as dysfunctional family members goes..

>

> All in all, it's tame letter from aunt compared to the other stuff I see other

people sahring, so I'm counting my blessings. Thanks again for letting me talk

out loud. And I'm so thankful for counseling--not looking forward to the 3 wk

hiatus with her vacation and mine, though.

>

> okay, I'm sleepy, so I ramble. Night, all.

>