borderline or just insensitive?

July 21, 2011

Hi all.

I keep having this really vivid memory of something that happened when I was

about 5 years old. Do you think this is the parental response of borderlines

or just insensitive parenting? I still feel sad and sick when I think about

it.

Okay, I was 5 or so, and I was drawing and coloring a picture of a king and

queen as a special present for my parents. I was an artistic child, and a

perfectionist, and I worked especially long and hard on this picture. When I

was finished, I knew it was the very best picture I had ever drawn, and I

was so excited to give it to my parents. I called them to come into my room,

and they told me to wait a little while because they were busy doing

something. While I was waiting, I looked out the window and accidentally

poked a hole in the screen with my little finger. I liked the tiny hole I

had made, and also the feel of the screen yielding to my finger was quite

pleasant, so I made a few more little holes in the screen. Finally my

parents came in, and I held up the picture of the king and queen, all happy

and expectant. But the first thing they saw was the holes in the screen.

They started screaming at me, and called me bad and evil and destructive.

They hit me many times. I cried, of course. And I held up the picture of the

king and queen, and said, " I made this for you, and it's the best picture I

ever made. " And one of my parents grabbed the picture and tore it into

little pieces, and said, " This is what you did to the screen. " And I felt

sick and like my world had just come apart, and I remember crying, " It's not

the same thing! It's not the same thing! " When they left the room, I tried

to reproduce my best-picture-ever, and I couldn't. Nothing I could draw was

as good as the original. And after that, I completely lost the joy I'd feel

when I'd draw or paint.

Is there anything borderline about my parents' behavior or is it just bad

parenting?

July 21, 2011

I think there is indeed some borderline in there--the way they called you

bad and evil and destructive is NOT just 'insensitive' or 'bad' parenting.

It sounds like they were splitting you black.

Parents can and do mess up--but that is WAY more than just being a bad

parent--it was downright abusive and the way they went about it definitely

sounds like a manifestation of BPD.

I bet that picture was really beautiful. I love it when little kids draw

pictures for me--like the kids I babysat and my little siblings. They're

giving what is most valuable to them--their time and talent, as a way to

show how much they like us. My little sister drew me a picture of us after I

took her on a big birthday outing for her 7th birthday--shortly before I was

disowned. I saved it somewhere safe <3

> **

>

> Hi all.

> I keep having this really vivid memory of something that happened when I

> was

> about 5 years old. Do you think this is the parental response of

> borderlines

> or just insensitive parenting? I still feel sad and sick when I think about

> it.

> Okay, I was 5 or so, and I was drawing and coloring a picture of a king and

> queen as a special present for my parents. I was an artistic child, and a

> perfectionist, and I worked especially long and hard on this picture. When

> I

> was finished, I knew it was the very best picture I had ever drawn, and I

> was so excited to give it to my parents. I called them to come into my

> room,

> and they told me to wait a little while because they were busy doing

> something. While I was waiting, I looked out the window and accidentally

> poked a hole in the screen with my little finger. I liked the tiny hole I

> had made, and also the feel of the screen yielding to my finger was quite

> pleasant, so I made a few more little holes in the screen. Finally my

> parents came in, and I held up the picture of the king and queen, all happy

> and expectant. But the first thing they saw was the holes in the screen.

> They started screaming at me, and called me bad and evil and destructive.

> They hit me many times. I cried, of course. And I held up the picture of

> the

> king and queen, and said, " I made this for you, and it's the best picture I

> ever made. " And one of my parents grabbed the picture and tore it into

> little pieces, and said, " This is what you did to the screen. " And I felt

> sick and like my world had just come apart, and I remember crying, " It's

> not

> the same thing! It's not the same thing! " When they left the room, I tried

> to reproduce my best-picture-ever, and I couldn't. Nothing I could draw was

> as good as the original. And after that, I completely lost the joy I'd feel

> when I'd draw or paint.

> Is there anything borderline about my parents' behavior or is it just bad

> parenting?

>

July 21, 2011

Judy,

That's certainly not the way normal, mentally healthy parents

treat their children. It is way beyond just being insensitive.

Hitting you many times sounds was physical abuse. Telling a

five-year-old that she is evil sounds like emotional abuse,

especially if there was a pattern of similar things being said.

Tearing up your drawing was an extreme over-reaction. It is at

the far edge of what a normal parent might do if he or she were

having a bad day and was really stressed and upset (even good

parents make mistakes and can lose control once in a while).

Combined with the yelling and hitting you it sounds more like

the kind of reaction that people with BPD have. BPD is very much

about emotions that are out of control and inappropriate and it

sure sounds like your parents' reaction to the holes in the

screen were massively out of proportion to the seriousness of

the damage. You probably deserved a bit of punishment and some

talking to about why what you did was wrong, but you didn't

deserve to be beaten, called evil, or to have your artwork

destoryed that way. The latter was an invalidation of your

efforts and the feelings that caused you to make the drawing for

them. BPD isn't the only explanation for why parents might

behave that way, but it is definitely one explanation for it.

At 09:49 AM 07/21/2011 Judy wrote:

>Hi all.

>I keep having this really vivid memory of something that

>happened when I was

>about 5 years old. Do you think this is the parental response

>of borderlines

>or just insensitive parenting? I still feel sad and sick when I

>think about

>it.

>Okay, I was 5 or so, and I was drawing and coloring a picture

>of a king and

>queen as a special present for my parents. I was an artistic

>child, and a

>perfectionist, and I worked especially long and hard on this

>picture. When I

>was finished, I knew it was the very best picture I had ever

>drawn, and I

>was so excited to give it to my parents. I called them to come

>into my room,

>and they told me to wait a little while because they were busy

>doing

>something. While I was waiting, I looked out the window and

>accidentally

>poked a hole in the screen with my little finger. I liked the

>tiny hole I

>had made, and also the feel of the screen yielding to my finger

>was quite

>pleasant, so I made a few more little holes in the screen.

>Finally my

>parents came in, and I held up the picture of the king and

>queen, all happy

>and expectant. But the first thing they saw was the holes in

>the screen.

>They started screaming at me, and called me bad and evil and

>destructive.

>They hit me many times. I cried, of course. And I held up the

>picture of the

>king and queen, and said, " I made this for you, and it's the

>best picture I

>ever made. " And one of my parents grabbed the picture and tore

>it into

>little pieces, and said, " This is what you did to the screen. "

>And I felt

>sick and like my world had just come apart, and I remember

>crying, " It's not

>the same thing! It's not the same thing! " When they left the

>room, I tried

>to reproduce my best-picture-ever, and I couldn't. Nothing I

>could draw was

>as good as the original. And after that, I completely lost the

>joy I'd feel

>when I'd draw or paint.

>Is there anything borderline about my parents' behavior or is

>it just bad

>parenting?

--

Katrina

July 21, 2011

I would vote that your parents' reaction to their 5-year-old poking holes in

the window-screen: screaming at you and tearing up your sweet drawing in

retaliation or revenge probably qualifies as bpd criteria #8: " inappropriate and

extreme rage " . I'm so sorry that they were both that way; neither of them were

able to remain rational or calm the other one down. You were pretty much

screwed in the parent department.

Parents are supposed to have the maturity and rationality to not go into

hysterics or ballistic rage over the stuff that small children do like spilling

milk, tearing their clothes, losing things, or not understanding that its not OK

to poke holes in screens.

That should have been a *teaching moment*, not a ranting, terrifying, shaming

and humiliating and revenge moment.

Such behavior is not parenting, its just infantile ranting and tantruming, its

violent and its abusive and its TRAUMATIZING to the child. And it took away

your joy in drawing anything; to me that is a criminal act.

Your parents *robbed you* of the pleasure of expressing yourself artistically,

for life, perhaps... over a stupid, freaking window-screen.

In a somewhat similar situation (one of many, I'm sorry to say) my nada robbed

me of the joy of sewing. I was about 8 at the time. Instead of encouraging my

interest in something she was good at, she refused to sit with me and teach me

to use her sewing machine. She just angrily set me up with it and walked away,

predicting that I'd sew my fingers together. She refused to even just teach me

how to draw a pattern or buy a pattern and pin it to the cloth, or cut out

matching pieces to make a simple T-shirt, so I tried to figure it out for

myself. I couldn't make the sewing machine work right; the thread underneath

got all tangled. So I got a regular sewing needle and sewed the rather

mis-matched pieces together by hand (sticking myself frequently), turned it

inside out and proudly put it on to show mom what I did. My nada looked at me

in pure disgust. She told me in an icy voice to never wear " that thing "

outdoors, because it would embarrass her; people would think she'd made it and

it looked horrible. I was crestfallen and shamed and never wanted to try sewing

again. And I got screamed at for making a mess and screwing up her sewing

machine.

So, anyway. Yes, I think what your parents did to you was an example of bpd or

npd raging, and it shocked you, frightened you, traumatized you and robbed you

of one of life's pleasures. I hope you can someday get that pleasure back; you

deserve it.

-Annie

>

> Hi all.

> I keep having this really vivid memory of something that happened when I was

> about 5 years old. Do you think this is the parental response of borderlines

> or just insensitive parenting? I still feel sad and sick when I think about

> it.

> Okay, I was 5 or so, and I was drawing and coloring a picture of a king and

> queen as a special present for my parents. I was an artistic child, and a

> perfectionist, and I worked especially long and hard on this picture. When I

> was finished, I knew it was the very best picture I had ever drawn, and I

> was so excited to give it to my parents. I called them to come into my room,