just really depressed

[Guest guest]

I am still really new on here..I posted once before. There is just so much

history I dont even know where to begin..My mother, and I do not call her that

anymore..So I call her Dorothy. I never knew anything about BPD until my

counselor told me about it. He actually had dorothy nailed on it in the first 5

minutes of my 1st meeting over a year ago. Between Dorothy and my 2 biological

kids, I feel like I am losing my mind!! Dorothy always treated me different

than my 2 brothers. I have an older and a younger brother. I was the epitome

of Daddy's little girl, until I lost him when I was 19yrs old..it's been 24 yrs

since he passed away at the age of 41. Massive heart attack. I got into a very

very abusive marriage and had my 2 boys...and they are 21 and 19yrs old now.

The 21 yr old is married with 2 kids. Dorothy was so extremely angry when I got

pregnant. I didnt really ever think that she would ever hear the words

again..that she would be a grandma...But she did on Easter, when my younger

brother and his wife of 9 yrs told my family, I was not there on Easter, but

they had the announcement then. I had been " invited " and " uninvited " in the

same conversation with my older brother. Nice. But as my kids were growing

up...I leaned on my family alot...I was a single mother ( I divorced the Idiot

when the kids were 3 1/2 and 1 1/2 yrs old) so I had to lean on them...I

received no child support. When I remarried, I didnt need their help. I have

always given my family the thank yous that I needed to give. My hubby Fred has

watched over the last 11 yrs how my family, especially Dorothy has treated me.

My youngest son always ran and escaped to Dorothy because she babied him SOOOO

much!! I am not saying that I didnt, my ex had also abused him. But he was

getting out of control at home. Seriously out of control. He is a type 1

diabetic...and when his numbers were off and I mean seriously dangerously high

numbers...Dorothy blamed me. She blamed me and he doesnt even live at home

anymore!! He went to live with her as soon as he turned 18. That completely

broke my heart. After a few months Dorothy was complaining about the exact same

problems that we were having with him. I finally said...You know, I am not

trying to be a bitch, but this is what I have been TRYING to tell you for

several years. Her reply was...Well he has never done that to me before...and I

said..Well...He is now! So I was horrible for being totally truthful with her.

Now that I am in therapy and am being told all the time that she is BPD and I do

see that...Dorothy and I had a knock down drag out fight, cause that is the only

way we communicate. She's right, I am wrong period. So I have questioned

myself for years...is this the right decision..what would Dorothy think? The

last argument that we had was because my family does not want our other 4 kids

(29-25 yrs old) to come to " my side of the family's events " or get togethers,

whatever you want to call it. No holidays, nothing. So I finally blew up thru

emails to them...and they also blew up at me. When my hubby came home and found

me in tears...he took over and he is a big thinker...so it took him 2 hours to

think about what he wanted to put in his email. Well..he wrote it and nobody

responded. He put each and everyone of them in line. No holds bar. So when

Dorothy confronted me via phone after listening to her and honestly I was very

calm..I told her I was done. so we hung up. A couple of hours later she called

and asked if I was alone. I said yes and she wanted to know what I meant when I

said...I am done. So I told her I was done with the conversation. Well it went

on for about an hour or so...and by the end..I lost it! She had been yelling at

me telling me that she NEVER wanted to be around Fred ever again, Ikept

saying..dont you think that's going to be slightly difficult if he is with me??

she said NO cause she never wanted to speak to him again, unless he apologized

and even then she didnt know if that would even work. I said..He is not going

to apologize..he was sticking up for me and that's it. So she said that she

never wanted to see me again either...I blew up and finally yelled at her that

she has never apologized for not 1 argument or anything my entire life..She

doesnt feel like she has to. So I hung up on her. We have not spoken since.

That part I really am ok with. What I cant stand, is that since then, my 2 boys

really have nothing to do with me either! along with my brothers of course. I

cant stand it that I feel " left out " of my brothers and my 2 boys' lives. That

is what is driving me to the brink. I am not a bad person..I just dont get it.

I have not spoken to her, not spoken to my boys about her. I dont want to

involve them...I already know that she has involved them. How do I handle the

hurt? I know that I have been all over the place on here, but I cant help my

feelings. I feel like I am the bad guy. I know that I am not, I keep telling

myself that...I do have a great support system...but it's just not enough

sometimes. I also know that it doesnt help that I am perm. disabled and so I am

home alot by myself and I cant shut my brain off. Any suggestions? I would

appreciate it. I feel like I am hanging by a thread. Thanks!!!