Best way to set boundaries and cut off contact for good?

[Guest guest]

My husband and I are finally (mostly) disentangled from his BPD mother, who

lived with us for the past year. I am still getting counseling for the things

she did to my family, and I still think about her every day. I definitely have

fantasies of telling her off, like another recent poster on this thread. I am

constantly composing an email in my head to her that I will never send. Someday

I hope I can move past the ways in which she tried to ruin my marriage, my

finances, and steal my child from me emotionally.

I want to just vent and tell my story a little, since you guys will understand

like no one else could. When I met my husband, he was deeply overextended

emotionally and financially and time-wise to his demanding BPD and NPD mother

(although we didn't know at the time what her issue was). She feigned an illness

that supposedly had her at death's door and guilted him into moving in with her.

He had to leave his reasonable apartment for a luxury penthouse condo on the

lake with an elevator and doorman because of her all pervading sense of

entitlement. She actually had him CARRY her physically and take her to all her

doctor's appointments since she " couldn't walk " . After tests, biopsys, and

months of complete dependence on him, she was finally diagnosed with something

that her doctor said (and I quote) that was manageable with meds and would allow

her to live a totally normal life. Her response to him was to say that her life

was over and she should just kill herself. He promptly transferred care to a

psychiatrist and we finally got a sense of what we were dealing with. In the

meantime, we got engaged, moved across the country, and although we got our own

place she followed us to our new city (at our expense) and helplessly

manipulated us into locating an apartment for her.

Even after all that, I got totally sucked in to her world. I was enchanted by

her seductive, bubbly demeanor. I didn't have a relationship with my own mother,

and I was touched that she called me the daughter she never had and said she

adored me. I called her " mom " at her behest. She became my best friend and

shared unreservedly with me (inappropriately?) intimate stories of her affairs,

her husband's suicide, the way that she was always victimized, taken advantage

of, and how life had conspired against her. I felt completely sorry for her and

wanted to do anything to make her finally happy. I felt bad that my husband

" abandoned his poor little mother " and spent very little time with her. I

encouraged my husband to get involved with her life again, I did her taxes, paid

her bills (she refused to open her mail out of fear and anxiety), advised her in

all matters and took the responsible parent role while she took the

irresponsible child role. She spent too much money on impulsive luxuries and

came to us for help for rent, medical bills, car repairs, etc. All the while she

made it seem like she was entitled and never apologized or even acknowledged her

mistakes.

When I was pregnant with our son I became her golden child. She wanted to spend

every day with me, talking about her grandchild to be. I reveled in the love and

attention from this mother figure, in spite of the challenges. The day it all

went south was the day my son was born. She pretended to understand that I

wanted privacy during the birth, with only my husband in the room, but she

showed up at the hospital and cried at the nurses station saying that we were

being so selfish to shut her out from the birth of her grandson. While I was

pushing my son out, literally, a nurse was asking me to please let this darling

lady in to watch this special event. I felt violated by her encroachment and

manipulation and as I was bleeding out with severe complications she was

knocking to be let in. As soon as the emergency was contained and I was stable

and my blood was mopped up off the floor of the delivery room, she was finally

let in and instantly it was all about her and her perfect new grandson. She

didn't even greet me or ask me how I was. She wanted to hold him before I even

had a chance.

When we asked her to finally go home so that we could have some time with our

newborn (and sleep for the first time in two days!) she started shaking and

weeping. The trouble escalated once we took our baby home. She showed up with

home cooked meals and called constantly. When we wouldn't see her in the first

24 hours she called and screamed at my husband and insulted him and demanded to

see her grandchild. We finally agreed to meet for coffee and she continued in

the shaking, crying victim persona and told stories about SIDS and babies left

to die in hot cars, and horrible accidents, suffocation, sexual abuse. Over and

over and over. Each time we got lunch with her it was the same thing. Also, she

acted like I didn't exist and only wanted to hold my baby. She only spoke to me

to tell me horror stories and say I had bags under my eyes and I still looked

pregnant, or said that it was lucky that I had linebacker arms so that I could

carry that heavy car seat around. Or that I must be soooo stretched out from his

huge head. I was horrified and I backed away from her...until...

About six months after our son was born she was evicted from her luxury

apartment that she couldn't afford. She had to move in with us. The nightmare

began in earnest. At this point we didn't realize she was mentally ill, we just

thought she was difficult, so we let her watch our son while I went to class

like we would with any grandmother. During this time she referred to herself as

" Mommy " to my son, who was just learning to talk. He was understandably

confused. She claimed it was " forgetfulness " . The final straw was when she left

him alone in the house, sleeping in his crib while she ran an errand down the

street. She was offended that we were upset and defended her behavior. We knew

then that she would never watch him again.

While the events were unfolding with my son (up to the point where she left him

alone) it was getting more and more unbearable in the house with her. I dreaded

coming home and being in the same room with her. She jumped at every footstep

and asked " What are you doing? " when I came and went. She was despondent and

depressed and talked constantly about herself whenever she could commandeer our

attention. She was also deceitful and manipulative. She told me that my husband

secretly couldn't stand me, and claimed he confided in her about his issues with

our marriage. She said that I was a cold person and that no one who had ever met

me had liked me. She interrupted our meals, standing in the kitchen talking and

talking about herself, not letting us have dinner together or catch up after a

long day apart. When we had guests she sat on the couch (uninvited) wearing a

coat and sunglasses (at night, in the house) and cried and raged at us, claiming

that we had ruined her life and that we were killing her while our guests stared

in awkward amazement and dinner got cold.

I felt like I was going crazy because she changed facts around, misremembered

events, and refused to see logic. She imagined insults, criticism and rejection

in everything we said. She turned calm, reasonable conversations (attempts at

communication and problem solving) into crying jags and breakdowns that seemed

like theatrics.

After she left my son alone, we conjured our best attempt at protecting our

family and setting boundaries and we finally asked her to leave. She had no

money, no place to go. As we prepared to move out of our rental and buy a house

she met with our realtor and confided in him and tried to turn him against us.

She claimed that he was horrified at our treatment of her. In truth, he called

the BPD diagnosis since his own mother was BPD. Ironic. She got a lawyer and

threatened us with a lawsuit. She claimed that we cheated on our taxes and

threatened to contact the IRS (we hadn't). She moved in with friends (targets)

who believed her victim stories.

I want this to end. I want to tell her what her problem is, how she has made our

lives miserable. I don't want to ever see her again. I'm afraid she will sue for

grandparent's rights and try to see our son and turn him against us. I'm afraid

she will threaten suicide. I'm afraid she will show up on our doorstep. I'm

afraid this drama will continue until she leaves this life.

What can I do? (And thank you for reading if you've made it this far. It is so

therapeutic to finally get this out.)

[Guest guest]

Hi Sara,

Oh. My. God.

Yes, I would agree that your MIL probably has some mental disorder or other to a

pretty extreme degree; my guess would be narcissistic pd and borderline pd.

I'm not a psychologist, just speculating. What a nightmare, truly. I'm so

sorry you and your husband and child have had to endure that abusive behavior

for so long.

It may be useful to you to look into the idea of getting a restraining order

taken out to protect you from her.

A lawyer in your area can advise you about this, how to carefully document

instances of stalking and harassment, and will know whether your state has

anti-stalking laws in effect or not. States without anti-stalking laws usually

require that the perpetrator has either threatened violence or committed

violence against you before a restraining order will be issued.

The states with anti-stalking laws make it easier to get a restraining order.

My opinion is that if your MIL is threatening you with legal action, is libeling

you and slandering you to your community with the intent of negatively impacting

your financial security/your business or gaining custody of your child, somehow

(ha!) then its time to pull out the big guns and get your own lawyer, in my

opinion.

An official restraining order will speak much louder for you than an angry

letter.

Best of luck to you. You've got a real nightmare of a situation to deal with,

but we're here to give you emotional support and validation.

-Annie

>

> My husband and I are finally (mostly) disentangled from his BPD mother, who

lived with us for the past year. I am still getting counseling for the things

she did to my family, and I still think about her every day. I definitely have

fantasies of telling her off, like another recent poster on this thread. I am

constantly composing an email in my head to her that I will never send. Someday

I hope I can move past the ways in which she tried to ruin my marriage, my

finances, and steal my child from me emotionally.

>

> I want to just vent and tell my story a little, since you guys will understand

like no one else could. When I met my husband, he was deeply overextended

emotionally and financially and time-wise to his demanding BPD and NPD mother

(although we didn't know at the time what her issue was). She feigned an illness

that supposedly had her at death's door and guilted him into moving in with her.

He had to leave his reasonable apartment for a luxury penthouse condo on the

lake with an elevator and doorman because of her all pervading sense of

entitlement. She actually had him CARRY her physically and take her to all her

doctor's appointments since she " couldn't walk " . After tests, biopsys, and

months of complete dependence on him, she was finally diagnosed with something

that her doctor said (and I quote) that was manageable with meds and would allow

her to live a totally normal life. Her response to him was to say that her life

was over and she should just kill herself. He promptly transferred care to a

psychiatrist and we finally got a sense of what we were dealing with. In the

meantime, we got engaged, moved across the country, and although we got our own

place she followed us to our new city (at our expense) and helplessly

manipulated us into locating an apartment for her.

>

> Even after all that, I got totally sucked in to her world. I was enchanted by

her seductive, bubbly demeanor. I didn't have a relationship with my own mother,

and I was touched that she called me the daughter she never had and said she

adored me. I called her " mom " at her behest. She became my best friend and

shared unreservedly with me (inappropriately?) intimate stories of her affairs,

her husband's suicide, the way that she was always victimized, taken advantage

of, and how life had conspired against her. I felt completely sorry for her and

wanted to do anything to make her finally happy. I felt bad that my husband

" abandoned his poor little mother " and spent very little time with her. I

encouraged my husband to get involved with her life again, I did her taxes, paid

her bills (she refused to open her mail out of fear and anxiety), advised her in

all matters and took the responsible parent role while she took the

irresponsible child role. She spent too much money on impulsive luxuries and

came to us for help for rent, medical bills, car repairs, etc. All the while she

made it seem like she was entitled and never apologized or even acknowledged her

mistakes.

>

> When I was pregnant with our son I became her golden child. She wanted to

spend every day with me, talking about her grandchild to be. I reveled in the

love and attention from this mother figure, in spite of the challenges. The day

it all went south was the day my son was born. She pretended to understand that

I wanted privacy during the birth, with only my husband in the room, but she

showed up at the hospital and cried at the nurses station saying that we were

being so selfish to shut her out from the birth of her grandson. While I was

pushing my son out, literally, a nurse was asking me to please let this darling

lady in to watch this special event. I felt violated by her encroachment and

manipulation and as I was bleeding out with severe complications she was

knocking to be let in. As soon as the emergency was contained and I was stable

and my blood was mopped up off the floor of the delivery room, she was finally

let in and instantly it was all about her and her perfect new grandson. She

didn't even greet me or ask me how I was. She wanted to hold him before I even

had a chance.

>

> When we asked her to finally go home so that we could have some time with our

newborn (and sleep for the first time in two days!) she started shaking and

weeping. The trouble escalated once we took our baby home. She showed up with

home cooked meals and called constantly. When we wouldn't see her in the first

24 hours she called and screamed at my husband and insulted him and demanded to

see her grandchild. We finally agreed to meet for coffee and she continued in

the shaking, crying victim persona and told stories about SIDS and babies left

to die in hot cars, and horrible accidents, suffocation, sexual abuse. Over and

over and over. Each time we got lunch with her it was the same thing. Also, she

acted like I didn't exist and only wanted to hold my baby. She only spoke to me

to tell me horror stories and say I had bags under my eyes and I still looked

pregnant, or said that it was lucky that I had linebacker arms so that I could

carry that heavy car seat around. Or that I must be soooo stretched out from his

huge head. I was horrified and I backed away from her...until...

>

> About six months after our son was born she was evicted from her luxury

apartment that she couldn't afford. She had to move in with us. The nightmare

began in earnest. At this point we didn't realize she was mentally ill, we just

thought she was difficult, so we let her watch our son while I went to class

like we would with any grandmother. During this time she referred to herself as

" Mommy " to my son, who was just learning to talk. He was understandably

confused. She claimed it was " forgetfulness " . The final straw was when she left

him alone in the house, sleeping in his crib while she ran an errand down the

street. She was offended that we were upset and defended her behavior. We knew

then that she would never watch him again.

>

> While the events were unfolding with my son (up to the point where she left

him alone) it was getting more and more unbearable in the house with her. I

dreaded coming home and being in the same room with her. She jumped at every

footstep and asked " What are you doing? " when I came and went. She was

despondent and depressed and talked constantly about herself whenever she could

commandeer our attention. She was also deceitful and manipulative. She told me

that my husband secretly couldn't stand me, and claimed he confided in her about

his issues with our marriage. She said that I was a cold person and that no one

who had ever met me had liked me. She interrupted our meals, standing in the

kitchen talking and talking about herself, not letting us have dinner together

or catch up after a long day apart. When we had guests she sat on the couch

(uninvited) wearing a coat and sunglasses (at night, in the house) and cried and

raged at us, claiming that we had ruined her life and that we were killing her

while our guests stared in awkward amazement and dinner got cold.

>

> I felt like I was going crazy because she changed facts around, misremembered

events, and refused to see logic. She imagined insults, criticism and rejection

in everything we said. She turned calm, reasonable conversations (attempts at

communication and problem solving) into crying jags and breakdowns that seemed

like theatrics.

>

> After she left my son alone, we conjured our best attempt at protecting our

family and setting boundaries and we finally asked her to leave. She had no

money, no place to go. As we prepared to move out of our rental and buy a house

she met with our realtor and confided in him and tried to turn him against us.

She claimed that he was horrified at our treatment of her. In truth, he called

the BPD diagnosis since his own mother was BPD. Ironic. She got a lawyer and

threatened us with a lawsuit. She claimed that we cheated on our taxes and

threatened to contact the IRS (we hadn't). She moved in with friends (targets)

who believed her victim stories.

>

> I want this to end. I want to tell her what her problem is, how she has made

our lives miserable. I don't want to ever see her again. I'm afraid she will sue

for grandparent's rights and try to see our son and turn him against us. I'm

afraid she will threaten suicide. I'm afraid she will show up on our doorstep.

I'm afraid this drama will continue until she leaves this life.

>

> What can I do? (And thank you for reading if you've made it this far. It is so

therapeutic to finally get this out.)

>

[Guest guest]

Hi and, as Annie said, Oh. My. God.!!

I'm sorry to hear about this nightmare you and your family are living

through. I also agree with Annie about looking into stalking laws in

your state and perhaps talking with a lawyer about a restraining

order. I feel like this woman could become dangerous (more so than

she all ready is).

I can't believe she thought it was ok to leave an infant home alone

while she ran errands!! Her behavior is absolutely appalling to me,

all of it. And shame on the nurse when you were giving birth to your

son for coming in to beg you to allow her in the room! As a nurse,

we're supposed to advocate for our patients. Yes, their family also

become clients, however, no way in hell I would have been asking you

to let her in. I would have been trying to work with her in other

ways. Simply inappropriate and I am so sorry that happened.

Glad you posted about this and hope getting it off your chest helps

some. Good luck & please keep us posted.

Mia

[Guest guest]

Can I add an Oh. My God. too? Wow. I agree with others saying get

yourself a lawyer, know your rights, be ready to act. Also there's no way on

earth she could successfully sue for grandparents rights given the amount of

witnesses you'll have of her crazy behavior. Odds are she will not accept

permanent NC for a long time so you'll need to be ready legally and practically

like making sure your son's future daycare or school knows never to let her have

contact with him. Having a security system for your house. Good luck we are

rooting for you.

Eliza

PS - Just a side thought but histrionic and dependent personality disorder sound

like they might be involved.

>

> My husband and I are finally (mostly) disentangled from his BPD mother, who

lived with us for the past year. I am still getting counseling for the things

she did to my family, and I still think about her every day. I definitely have

fantasies of telling her off, like another recent poster on this thread. I am

constantly composing an email in my head to her that I will never send. Someday

I hope I can move past the ways in which she tried to ruin my marriage, my

finances, and steal my child from me emotionally.

>

> I want to just vent and tell my story a little, since you guys will understand

like no one else could. When I met my husband, he was deeply overextended

emotionally and financially and time-wise to his demanding BPD and NPD mother

(although we didn't know at the time what her issue was). She feigned an illness

that supposedly had her at death's door and guilted him into moving in with her.

He had to leave his reasonable apartment for a luxury penthouse condo on the

lake with an elevator and doorman because of her all pervading sense of

entitlement. She actually had him CARRY her physically and take her to all her

doctor's appointments since she " couldn't walk " . After tests, biopsys, and

months of complete dependence on him, she was finally diagnosed with something

that her doctor said (and I quote) that was manageable with meds and would allow

her to live a totally normal life. Her response to him was to say that her life

was over and she should just kill herself. He promptly transferred care to a

psychiatrist and we finally got a sense of what we were dealing with. In the

meantime, we got engaged, moved across the country, and although we got our own

place she followed us to our new city (at our expense) and helplessly

manipulated us into locating an apartment for her.

>

> Even after all that, I got totally sucked in to her world. I was enchanted by

her seductive, bubbly demeanor. I didn't have a relationship with my own mother,

and I was touched that she called me the daughter she never had and said she

adored me. I called her " mom " at her behest. She became my best friend and

shared unreservedly with me (inappropriately?) intimate stories of her affairs,

her husband's suicide, the way that she was always victimized, taken advantage

of, and how life had conspired against her. I felt completely sorry for her and

wanted to do anything to make her finally happy. I felt bad that my husband

" abandoned his poor little mother " and spent very little time with her. I

encouraged my husband to get involved with her life again, I did her taxes, paid

her bills (she refused to open her mail out of fear and anxiety), advised her in

all matters and took the responsible parent role while she took the

irresponsible child role. She spent too much money on impulsive luxuries and

came to us for help for rent, medical bills, car repairs, etc. All the while she

made it seem like she was entitled and never apologized or even acknowledged her

mistakes.

>

> When I was pregnant with our son I became her golden child. She wanted to

spend every day with me, talking about her grandchild to be. I reveled in the

love and attention from this mother figure, in spite of the challenges. The day

it all went south was the day my son was born. She pretended to understand that

I wanted privacy during the birth, with only my husband in the room, but she

showed up at the hospital and cried at the nurses station saying that we were

being so selfish to shut her out from the birth of her grandson. While I was

pushing my son out, literally, a nurse was asking me to please let this darling

lady in to watch this special event. I felt violated by her encroachment and

manipulation and as I was bleeding out with severe complications she was

knocking to be let in. As soon as the emergency was contained and I was stable

and my blood was mopped up off the floor of the delivery room, she was finally

let in and instantly it was all about her and her perfect new grandson. She

didn't even greet me or ask me how I was. She wanted to hold him before I even

had a chance.

>

> When we asked her to finally go home so that we could have some time with our

newborn (and sleep for the first time in two days!) she started shaking and

weeping. The trouble escalated once we took our baby home. She showed up with

home cooked meals and called constantly. When we wouldn't see her in the first

24 hours she called and screamed at my husband and insulted him and demanded to

see her grandchild. We finally agreed to meet for coffee and she continued in

the shaking, crying victim persona and told stories about SIDS and babies left

to die in hot cars, and horrible accidents, suffocation, sexual abuse. Over and

over and over. Each time we got lunch with her it was the same thing. Also, she

acted like I didn't exist and only wanted to hold my baby. She only spoke to me

to tell me horror stories and say I had bags under my eyes and I still looked

pregnant, or said that it was lucky that I had linebacker arms so that I could

carry that heavy car seat around. Or that I must be soooo stretched out from his

huge head. I was horrified and I backed away from her...until...

>

> About six months after our son was born she was evicted from her luxury

apartment that she couldn't afford. She had to move in with us. The nightmare

began in earnest. At this point we didn't realize she was mentally ill, we just

thought she was difficult, so we let her watch our son while I went to class

like we would with any grandmother. During this time she referred to herself as

" Mommy " to my son, who was just learning to talk. He was understandably

confused. She claimed it was " forgetfulness " . The final straw was when she left

him alone in the house, sleeping in his crib while she ran an errand down the

street. She was offended that we were upset and defended her behavior. We knew

then that she would never watch him again.

>

> While the events were unfolding with my son (up to the point where she left

him alone) it was getting more and more unbearable in the house with her. I

dreaded coming home and being in the same room with her. She jumped at every

footstep and asked " What are you doing? " when I came and went. She was

despondent and depressed and talked constantly about herself whenever she could

commandeer our attention. She was also deceitful and manipulative. She told me

that my husband secretly couldn't stand me, and claimed he confided in her about

his issues with our marriage. She said that I was a cold person and that no one

who had ever met me had liked me. She interrupted our meals, standing in the

kitchen talking and talking about herself, not letting us have dinner together

or catch up after a long day apart. When we had guests she sat on the couch

(uninvited) wearing a coat and sunglasses (at night, in the house) and cried and

raged at us, claiming that we had ruined her life and that we were killing her

while our guests stared in awkward amazement and dinner got cold.

>

> I felt like I was going crazy because she changed facts around, misremembered

events, and refused to see logic. She imagined insults, criticism and rejection

in everything we said. She turned calm, reasonable conversations (attempts at

communication and problem solving) into crying jags and breakdowns that seemed

like theatrics.

>

> After she left my son alone, we conjured our best attempt at protecting our

family and setting boundaries and we finally asked her to leave. She had no

money, no place to go. As we prepared to move out of our rental and buy a house

she met with our realtor and confided in him and tried to turn him against us.

She claimed that he was horrified at our treatment of her. In truth, he called

the BPD diagnosis since his own mother was BPD. Ironic. She got a lawyer and

threatened us with a lawsuit. She claimed that we cheated on our taxes and

threatened to contact the IRS (we hadn't). She moved in with friends (targets)

who believed her victim stories.

>

> I want this to end. I want to tell her what her problem is, how she has made

our lives miserable. I don't want to ever see her again. I'm afraid she will sue

for grandparent's rights and try to see our son and turn him against us. I'm

afraid she will threaten suicide. I'm afraid she will show up on our doorstep.

I'm afraid this drama will continue until she leaves this life.

>

> What can I do? (And thank you for reading if you've made it this far. It is so

therapeutic to finally get this out.)

>

[Guest guest]

>

> Eliza

>

> PS - Just a side thought but histrionic and dependent personality disorder

> sound like they might be involved.

Oh yeah, I agree with this too Eliza!

Still think it sucks that they are dropping histrionic from DSM V.

And NPD. Mistakes, IMO.

Mia

[Guest guest]

Get a BIG dog. German Shepherd type and teach it to protect your son and keep

her away. I'm only half kidding.

Mesmerized by her " I can't walk " and making her son carry her. That's what my

Dad wanted and I am 4'11 " and a size 8. How could I possibly carry him. There

are some common threads in the BPD parent. I keep seeing them crop up again and

again. Good luck! Know we all care and are especially hopeful for your son.

Kay

> >

> > My husband and I are finally (mostly) disentangled from his BPD mother, who

lived with us for the past year. I am still getting counseling for the things

she did to my family, and I still think about her every day. I definitely have

fantasies of telling her off, like another recent poster on this thread. I am

constantly composing an email in my head to her that I will never send. Someday

I hope I can move past the ways in which she tried to ruin my marriage, my

finances, and steal my child from me emotionally.

> >

> > I want to just vent and tell my story a little, since you guys will

understand like no one else could. When I met my husband, he was deeply

overextended emotionally and financially and time-wise to his demanding BPD and

NPD mother (although we didn't know at the time what her issue was). She feigned

an illness that supposedly had her at death's door and guilted him into moving

in with her. He had to leave his reasonable apartment for a luxury penthouse

condo on the lake with an elevator and doorman because of her all pervading

sense of entitlement. She actually had him CARRY her physically and take her to

all her doctor's appointments since she " couldn't walk " . After tests, biopsys,

and months of complete dependence on him, she was finally diagnosed with

something that her doctor said (and I quote) that was manageable with meds and

would allow her to live a totally normal life. Her response to him was to say

that her life was over and she should just kill herself. He promptly transferred

care to a psychiatrist and we finally got a sense of what we were dealing with.

In the meantime, we got engaged, moved across the country, and although we got

our own place she followed us to our new city (at our expense) and helplessly

manipulated us into locating an apartment for her.

> >

> > Even after all that, I got totally sucked in to her world. I was enchanted

by her seductive, bubbly demeanor. I didn't have a relationship with my own

mother, and I was touched that she called me the daughter she never had and said

she adored me. I called her " mom " at her behest. She became my best friend and

shared unreservedly with me (inappropriately?) intimate stories of her affairs,

her husband's suicide, the way that she was always victimized, taken advantage

of, and how life had conspired against her. I felt completely sorry for her and

wanted to do anything to make her finally happy. I felt bad that my husband

" abandoned his poor little mother " and spent very little time with her. I

encouraged my husband to get involved with her life again, I did her taxes, paid

her bills (she refused to open her mail out of fear and anxiety), advised her in

all matters and took the responsible parent role while she took the

irresponsible child role. She spent too much money on impulsive luxuries and

came to us for help for rent, medical bills, car repairs, etc. All the while she

made it seem like she was entitled and never apologized or even acknowledged her

mistakes.

> >

> > When I was pregnant with our son I became her golden child. She wanted to

spend every day with me, talking about her grandchild to be. I reveled in the

love and attention from this mother figure, in spite of the challenges. The day

it all went south was the day my son was born. She pretended to understand that

I wanted privacy during the birth, with only my husband in the room, but she

showed up at the hospital and cried at the nurses station saying that we were

being so selfish to shut her out from the birth of her grandson. While I was

pushing my son out, literally, a nurse was asking me to please let this darling

lady in to watch this special event. I felt violated by her encroachment and

manipulation and as I was bleeding out with severe complications she was

knocking to be let in. As soon as the emergency was contained and I was stable

and my blood was mopped up off the floor of the delivery room, she was finally

let in and instantly it was all about her and her perfect new grandson. She

didn't even greet me or ask me how I was. She wanted to hold him before I even

had a chance.

> >

> > When we asked her to finally go home so that we could have some time with

our newborn (and sleep for the first time in two days!) she started shaking and

weeping. The trouble escalated once we took our baby home. She showed up with

home cooked meals and called constantly. When we wouldn't see her in the first

24 hours she called and screamed at my husband and insulted him and demanded to

see her grandchild. We finally agreed to meet for coffee and she continued in

the shaking, crying victim persona and told stories about SIDS and babies left

to die in hot cars, and horrible accidents, suffocation, sexual abuse. Over and

over and over. Each time we got lunch with her it was the same thing. Also, she

acted like I didn't exist and only wanted to hold my baby. She only spoke to me

to tell me horror stories and say I had bags under my eyes and I still looked

pregnant, or said that it was lucky that I had linebacker arms so that I could

carry that heavy car seat around. Or that I must be soooo stretched out from his

huge head. I was horrified and I backed away from her...until...

> >

> > About six months after our son was born she was evicted from her luxury

apartment that she couldn't afford. She had to move in with us. The nightmare

began in earnest. At this point we didn't realize she was mentally ill, we just

thought she was difficult, so we let her watch our son while I went to class

like we would with any grandmother. During this time she referred to herself as

" Mommy " to my son, who was just learning to talk. He was understandably

confused. She claimed it was " forgetfulness " . The final straw was when she left

him alone in the house, sleeping in his crib while she ran an errand down the

street. She was offended that we were upset and defended her behavior. We knew

then that she would never watch him again.

> >

> > While the events were unfolding with my son (up to the point where she left

him alone) it was getting more and more unbearable in the house with her. I

dreaded coming home and being in the same room with her. She jumped at every

footstep and asked " What are you doing? " when I came and went. She was

despondent and depressed and talked constantly about herself whenever she could

commandeer our attention. She was also deceitful and manipulative. She told me

that my husband secretly couldn't stand me, and claimed he confided in her about

his issues with our marriage. She said that I was a cold person and that no one

who had ever met me had liked me. She interrupted our meals, standing in the

kitchen talking and talking about herself, not letting us have dinner together

or catch up after a long day apart. When we had guests she sat on the couch

(uninvited) wearing a coat and sunglasses (at night, in the house) and cried and

raged at us, claiming that we had ruined her life and that we were killing her

while our guests stared in awkward amazement and dinner got cold.

> >

> > I felt like I was going crazy because she changed facts around,

misremembered events, and refused to see logic. She imagined insults, criticism

and rejection in everything we said. She turned calm, reasonable conversations

(attempts at communication and problem solving) into crying jags and breakdowns

that seemed like theatrics.

> >

> > After she left my son alone, we conjured our best attempt at protecting our

family and setting boundaries and we finally asked her to leave. She had no

money, no place to go. As we prepared to move out of our rental and buy a house

she met with our realtor and confided in him and tried to turn him against us.

She claimed that he was horrified at our treatment of her. In truth, he called

the BPD diagnosis since his own mother was BPD. Ironic. She got a lawyer and

threatened us with a lawsuit. She claimed that we cheated on our taxes and

threatened to contact the IRS (we hadn't). She moved in with friends (targets)

who believed her victim stories.

> >

> > I want this to end. I want to tell her what her problem is, how she has made

our lives miserable. I don't want to ever see her again. I'm afraid she will sue

for grandparent's rights and try to see our son and turn him against us. I'm

afraid she will threaten suicide. I'm afraid she will show up on our doorstep.

I'm afraid this drama will continue until she leaves this life.

> >

> > What can I do? (And thank you for reading if you've made it this far. It is

so therapeutic to finally get this out.)

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Mia, wow NPD and HPD both gone? I really haven't been keeping up with things

lately. I can kind of see why they might get rid of HPD since it can read a

bit like sexist caricature of women. But NPD?????? That one is all too real...

Eliza

>

> >

> > Eliza

> >

> > PS - Just a side thought but histrionic and dependent personality disorder

> > sound like they might be involved.

>

> Oh yeah, I agree with this too Eliza!

>

> Still think it sucks that they are dropping histrionic from DSM V.

> And NPD. Mistakes, IMO.

>

> Mia

>

[Guest guest]

Your MIL sounds a lot like my mother. Sounds like you lived a nightmare, I

couldn't imagine living with my mother. She did the same kind of things when I

was pregnant too and once the baby was here it was all about her and the baby.

My husband and I didn't exist and when we did, she was criticizing us. Shortly

after my daughter's first birthday we had had enough and completely went NC. Our

family is much better off, but I too still have fears of her just showing up out

of the blue. I don't think there is a whole lot you can do except enforce the

boundaries and have a plan in place if she ever did show up.

As for her suing for grandparents rights, I wouldn't worry about it. It is very

hard to do and most states require that the parents need to be divorced or a

parent must be deceased for a grandparent to even be able to attempt to sue for

rights. So as long as you and your husband are together, there isn't a whole lot

she can do. And if heaven forbid one of those things were to happen, she needs

to prove that she was very much a part of your child's life before one of those

life changing events occurred. I used to be worried about this too.

Good luck!

>

> My husband and I are finally (mostly) disentangled from his BPD mother, who

lived with us for the past year. I am still getting counseling for the things

she did to my family, and I still think about her every day. I definitely have

fantasies of telling her off, like another recent poster on this thread. I am

constantly composing an email in my head to her that I will never send. Someday

I hope I can move past the ways in which she tried to ruin my marriage, my

finances, and steal my child from me emotionally.

>

> I want to just vent and tell my story a little, since you guys will understand

like no one else could. When I met my husband, he was deeply overextended

emotionally and financially and time-wise to his demanding BPD and NPD mother

(although we didn't know at the time what her issue was). She feigned an illness

that supposedly had her at death's door and guilted him into moving in with her.

He had to leave his reasonable apartment for a luxury penthouse condo on the

lake with an elevator and doorman because of her all pervading sense of

entitlement. She actually had him CARRY her physically and take her to all her

doctor's appointments since she " couldn't walk " . After tests, biopsys, and

months of complete dependence on him, she was finally diagnosed with something

that her doctor said (and I quote) that was manageable with meds and would allow

her to live a totally normal life. Her response to him was to say that her life

was over and she should just kill herself. He promptly transferred care to a

psychiatrist and we finally got a sense of what we were dealing with. In the

meantime, we got engaged, moved across the country, and although we got our own

place she followed us to our new city (at our expense) and helplessly

manipulated us into locating an apartment for her.

>

> Even after all that, I got totally sucked in to her world. I was enchanted by

her seductive, bubbly demeanor. I didn't have a relationship with my own mother,

and I was touched that she called me the daughter she never had and said she

adored me. I called her " mom " at her behest. She became my best friend and

shared unreservedly with me (inappropriately?) intimate stories of her affairs,

her husband's suicide, the way that she was always victimized, taken advantage

of, and how life had conspired against her. I felt completely sorry for her and

wanted to do anything to make her finally happy. I felt bad that my husband

" abandoned his poor little mother " and spent very little time with her. I

encouraged my husband to get involved with her life again, I did her taxes, paid

her bills (she refused to open her mail out of fear and anxiety), advised her in

all matters and took the responsible parent role while she took the

irresponsible child role. She spent too much money on impulsive luxuries and

came to us for help for rent, medical bills, car repairs, etc. All the while she

made it seem like she was entitled and never apologized or even acknowledged her

mistakes.

>

> When I was pregnant with our son I became her golden child. She wanted to

spend every day with me, talking about her grandchild to be. I reveled in the

love and attention from this mother figure, in spite of the challenges. The day

it all went south was the day my son was born. She pretended to understand that

I wanted privacy during the birth, with only my husband in the room, but she

showed up at the hospital and cried at the nurses station saying that we were

being so selfish to shut her out from the birth of her grandson. While I was

pushing my son out, literally, a nurse was asking me to please let this darling

lady in to watch this special event. I felt violated by her encroachment and

manipulation and as I was bleeding out with severe complications she was

knocking to be let in. As soon as the emergency was contained and I was stable

and my blood was mopped up off the floor of the delivery room, she was finally

let in and instantly it was all about her and her perfect new grandson. She

didn't even greet me or ask me how I was. She wanted to hold him before I even

had a chance.

>

> When we asked her to finally go home so that we could have some time with our

newborn (and sleep for the first time in two days!) she started shaking and

weeping. The trouble escalated once we took our baby home. She showed up with

home cooked meals and called constantly. When we wouldn't see her in the first

24 hours she called and screamed at my husband and insulted him and demanded to

see her grandchild. We finally agreed to meet for coffee and she continued in

the shaking, crying victim persona and told stories about SIDS and babies left

to die in hot cars, and horrible accidents, suffocation, sexual abuse. Over and

over and over. Each time we got lunch with her it was the same thing. Also, she

acted like I didn't exist and only wanted to hold my baby. She only spoke to me

to tell me horror stories and say I had bags under my eyes and I still looked

pregnant, or said that it was lucky that I had linebacker arms so that I could

carry that heavy car seat around. Or that I must be soooo stretched out from his

huge head. I was horrified and I backed away from her...until...

>

> About six months after our son was born she was evicted from her luxury

apartment that she couldn't afford. She had to move in with us. The nightmare

began in earnest. At this point we didn't realize she was mentally ill, we just

thought she was difficult, so we let her watch our son while I went to class

like we would with any grandmother. During this time she referred to herself as

" Mommy " to my son, who was just learning to talk. He was understandably

confused. She claimed it was " forgetfulness " . The final straw was when she left

him alone in the house, sleeping in his crib while she ran an errand down the

street. She was offended that we were upset and defended her behavior. We knew

then that she would never watch him again.

>

> While the events were unfolding with my son (up to the point where she left

him alone) it was getting more and more unbearable in the house with her. I

dreaded coming home and being in the same room with her. She jumped at every

footstep and asked " What are you doing? " when I came and went. She was

despondent and depressed and talked constantly about herself whenever she could

commandeer our attention. She was also deceitful and manipulative. She told me

that my husband secretly couldn't stand me, and claimed he confided in her about

his issues with our marriage. She said that I was a cold person and that no one

who had ever met me had liked me. She interrupted our meals, standing in the

kitchen talking and talking about herself, not letting us have dinner together

or catch up after a long day apart. When we had guests she sat on the couch

(uninvited) wearing a coat and sunglasses (at night, in the house) and cried and

raged at us, claiming that we had ruined her life and that we were killing her

while our guests stared in awkward amazement and dinner got cold.

>

> I felt like I was going crazy because she changed facts around, misremembered

events, and refused to see logic. She imagined insults, criticism and rejection

in everything we said. She turned calm, reasonable conversations (attempts at

communication and problem solving) into crying jags and breakdowns that seemed

like theatrics.

>

> After she left my son alone, we conjured our best attempt at protecting our

family and setting boundaries and we finally asked her to leave. She had no

money, no place to go. As we prepared to move out of our rental and buy a house

she met with our realtor and confided in him and tried to turn him against us.

She claimed that he was horrified at our treatment of her. In truth, he called

the BPD diagnosis since his own mother was BPD. Ironic. She got a lawyer and

threatened us with a lawsuit. She claimed that we cheated on our taxes and

threatened to contact the IRS (we hadn't). She moved in with friends (targets)

who believed her victim stories.

>

> I want this to end. I want to tell her what her problem is, how she has made

our lives miserable. I don't want to ever see her again. I'm afraid she will sue

for grandparent's rights and try to see our son and turn him against us. I'm

afraid she will threaten suicide. I'm afraid she will show up on our doorstep.

I'm afraid this drama will continue until she leaves this life.

>

> What can I do? (And thank you for reading if you've made it this far. It is so

therapeutic to finally get this out.)

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you SO much to everyone who has taken the time to reply. I have gained so

much solace and support from your messages. It saddens me to know how many of

you have been through similar things, but it's comforting to know that you

survived the experiences and that you have wisdom to offer me. Thanks again...I

can't tell you all what a lifeline this has been.

> >

> > My husband and I are finally (mostly) disentangled from his BPD mother, who

lived with us for the past year. I am still getting counseling for the things

she did to my family, and I still think about her every day. I definitely have

fantasies of telling her off, like another recent poster on this thread. I am

constantly composing an email in my head to her that I will never send. Someday

I hope I can move past the ways in which she tried to ruin my marriage, my

finances, and steal my child from me emotionally.

> >

> > I want to just vent and tell my story a little, since you guys will

understand like no one else could. When I met my husband, he was deeply

overextended emotionally and financially and time-wise to his demanding BPD and

NPD mother (although we didn't know at the time what her issue was). She feigned

an illness that supposedly had her at death's door and guilted him into moving

in with her. He had to leave his reasonable apartment for a luxury penthouse

condo on the lake with an elevator and doorman because of her all pervading

sense of entitlement. She actually had him CARRY her physically and take her to

all her doctor's appointments since she " couldn't walk " . After tests, biopsys,

and months of complete dependence on him, she was finally diagnosed with

something that her doctor said (and I quote) that was manageable with meds and

would allow her to live a totally normal life. Her response to him was to say

that her life was over and she should just kill herself. He promptly transferred

care to a psychiatrist and we finally got a sense of what we were dealing with.

In the meantime, we got engaged, moved across the country, and although we got

our own place she followed us to our new city (at our expense) and helplessly

manipulated us into locating an apartment for her.

> >

> > Even after all that, I got totally sucked in to her world. I was enchanted

by her seductive, bubbly demeanor. I didn't have a relationship with my own

mother, and I was touched that she called me the daughter she never had and said

she adored me. I called her " mom " at her behest. She became my best friend and

shared unreservedly with me (inappropriately?) intimate stories of her affairs,

her husband's suicide, the way that she was always victimized, taken advantage

of, and how life had conspired against her. I felt completely sorry for her and

wanted to do anything to make her finally happy. I felt bad that my husband

" abandoned his poor little mother " and spent very little time with her. I

encouraged my husband to get involved with her life again, I did her taxes, paid

her bills (she refused to open her mail out of fear and anxiety), advised her in

all matters and took the responsible parent role while she took the

irresponsible child role. She spent too much money on impulsive luxuries and

came to us for help for rent, medical bills, car repairs, etc. All the while she

made it seem like she was entitled and never apologized or even acknowledged her

mistakes.

> >

> > When I was pregnant with our son I became her golden child. She wanted to

spend every day with me, talking about her grandchild to be. I reveled in the

love and attention from this mother figure, in spite of the challenges. The day

it all went south was the day my son was born. She pretended to understand that

I wanted privacy during the birth, with only my husband in the room, but she

showed up at the hospital and cried at the nurses station saying that we were

being so selfish to shut her out from the birth of her grandson. While I was

pushing my son out, literally, a nurse was asking me to please let this darling

lady in to watch this special event. I felt violated by her encroachment and

manipulation and as I was bleeding out with severe complications she was

knocking to be let in. As soon as the emergency was contained and I was stable

and my blood was mopped up off the floor of the delivery room, she was finally

let in and instantly it was all about her and her perfect new grandson. She

didn't even greet me or ask me how I was. She wanted to hold him before I even

had a chance.

> >

> > When we asked her to finally go home so that we could have some time with

our newborn (and sleep for the first time in two days!) she started shaking and

weeping. The trouble escalated once we took our baby home. She showed up with

home cooked meals and called constantly. When we wouldn't see her in the first

24 hours she called and screamed at my husband and insulted him and demanded to

see her grandchild. We finally agreed to meet for coffee and she continued in

the shaking, crying victim persona and told stories about SIDS and babies left

to die in hot cars, and horrible accidents, suffocation, sexual abuse. Over and

over and over. Each time we got lunch with her it was the same thing. Also, she

acted like I didn't exist and only wanted to hold my baby. She only spoke to me

to tell me horror stories and say I had bags under my eyes and I still looked

pregnant, or said that it was lucky that I had linebacker arms so that I could

carry that heavy car seat around. Or that I must be soooo stretched out from his

huge head. I was horrified and I backed away from her...until...

> >

> > About six months after our son was born she was evicted from her luxury

apartment that she couldn't afford. She had to move in with us. The nightmare

began in earnest. At this point we didn't realize she was mentally ill, we just

thought she was difficult, so we let her watch our son while I went to class

like we would with any grandmother. During this time she referred to herself as

" Mommy " to my son, who was just learning to talk. He was understandably

confused. She claimed it was " forgetfulness " . The final straw was when she left

him alone in the house, sleeping in his crib while she ran an errand down the

street. She was offended that we were upset and defended her behavior. We knew

then that she would never watch him again.

> >

> > While the events were unfolding with my son (up to the point where she left

him alone) it was getting more and more unbearable in the house with her. I

dreaded coming home and being in the same room with her. She jumped at every

footstep and asked " What are you doing? " when I came and went. She was

despondent and depressed and talked constantly about herself whenever she could

commandeer our attention. She was also deceitful and manipulative. She told me

that my husband secretly couldn't stand me, and claimed he confided in her about

his issues with our marriage. She said that I was a cold person and that no one

who had ever met me had liked me. She interrupted our meals, standing in the

kitchen talking and talking about herself, not letting us have dinner together

or catch up after a long day apart. When we had guests she sat on the couch

(uninvited) wearing a coat and sunglasses (at night, in the house) and cried and

raged at us, claiming that we had ruined her life and that we were killing her

while our guests stared in awkward amazement and dinner got cold.

> >

> > I felt like I was going crazy because she changed facts around,

misremembered events, and refused to see logic. She imagined insults, criticism

and rejection in everything we said. She turned calm, reasonable conversations

(attempts at communication and problem solving) into crying jags and breakdowns

that seemed like theatrics.

> >

> > After she left my son alone, we conjured our best attempt at protecting our

family and setting boundaries and we finally asked her to leave. She had no

money, no place to go. As we prepared to move out of our rental and buy a house

she met with our realtor and confided in him and tried to turn him against us.

She claimed that he was horrified at our treatment of her. In truth, he called

the BPD diagnosis since his own mother was BPD. Ironic. She got a lawyer and

threatened us with a lawsuit. She claimed that we cheated on our taxes and

threatened to contact the IRS (we hadn't). She moved in with friends (targets)

who believed her victim stories.

> >

> > I want this to end. I want to tell her what her problem is, how she has made

our lives miserable. I don't want to ever see her again. I'm afraid she will sue

for grandparent's rights and try to see our son and turn him against us. I'm

afraid she will threaten suicide. I'm afraid she will show up on our doorstep.

I'm afraid this drama will continue until she leaves this life.

> >

> > What can I do? (And thank you for reading if you've made it this far. It is

so therapeutic to finally get this out.)

> >

>