Guest guest Posted July 22, 2011 Report Share Posted July 22, 2011 So, I recently discovered that my mother (nada) has BPD, and honestly I don't even know where to begin to deal with the things she's done. I heard about this group and felt that maybe I could find people who went through the same things that I have. I'm just wondering where to start with this. She believes that she has been the perfect mother and refuses to see that she's done anything wrong. I can't forget the things she's done & i'm not exactly sure if i can even forgive her until she realized things. Will that ever happen? I have no idea. I guess I'm just looking for advice? or maybe even just knowing that i'm not alone? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 22, 2011 Report Share Posted July 22, 2011 Hello , You're not definitely alone. One of the things I like most about this group is having other people to talk to who understand what having a nada is like. If you're hoping that your nada will realize that the things she's said and done to you are wrong, that's not likely to happen. People with BPD act the way they do because their brains seemed to be wired differently. Their emotions tend to be either way over the line or seemingly not there. Things that normal people would barely notice often feel like attacks to them because their emotions are so out of control. I think there are two places to start. One is to read up on BPD so that you gain some understanding of what's going on with your nada. The other is to accept that you can't change her and that only one you can change is yourself. She's likely to keep doing what she's always done, but you don't have to react in the same way any more. You can choose to protect yourself from her in whatever fashion works for you. Many of us limit our contact with our nadas as part of our strategy to protect ourselves. Nadas commonly use fear and guilt as tools to make people continue doing what they want. Learning not to feel guilty when we refuse to be emotionally abused by our nadas is important. Many of us grew up with a distorted idea of normal relationships and you may need to unlearn some things in order to be able to do what is best for yourself. At 01:16 PM 07/22/2011 wrote: >So, I recently discovered that my mother (nada) has BPD, and >honestly I don't even know where to begin to deal with the >things she's done. I heard about this group and felt that maybe >I could find people who went through the same things that I >have. I'm just wondering where to start with this. She believes >that she has been the perfect mother and refuses to see that >she's done anything wrong. I can't forget the things she's done > & i'm not exactly sure if i can even forgive her until she >realized things. Will that ever happen? I have no idea. I guess >I'm just looking for advice? or maybe even just knowing that >i'm not alone? > > -- Katrina Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 22, 2011 Report Share Posted July 22, 2011 BPD means they will maybe never realize how they have hurt you, unless they go through some form of psychotherapy, which they are unlikely to do voluntarily. The problem with this illness is that they believe they are right and the whole world is wrong! Welcome to the group! N > So, I recently discovered that my mother (nada) has BPD, and honestly I don't even know where to begin to deal with the things she's done. I heard about this group and felt that maybe I could find people who went through the same things that I have. I'm just wondering where to start with this. She believes that she has been the perfect mother and refuses to see that she's done anything wrong. I can't forget the things she's done & i'm not exactly sure if i can even forgive her until she realized things. Will that ever happen? I have no idea. I guess I'm just looking for advice? or maybe even just knowing that i'm not alone? > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 22, 2011 Report Share Posted July 22, 2011 Thanks! & amp; I & #39;m starting to realize what BPD really is. I mean i & #39;ve gone my whole life thinking that I just deserved how she treated me no matter how bad it was. & amp; now that I & #39;ve found out that she has this disorder it changes everything and I & #39;m so confused. I want to help her get better but it seems like she doesn & #39;t want help for herself. My whole life all I & #39;ve done is try to protect her & amp; idk how to do that with this? ________________________________ From: N & lt;n@... & gt; To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Saturday, July 23, 2011 12:04 AM Subject: Re: Where do I start? BPD means they will maybe never realize how they have hurt you, unless they go through some form of psychotherapy, which they are unlikely to do voluntarily. The problem with this illness is that they believe they are right and the whole world is wrong! Welcome to the group! N & gt; So, I recently discovered that my mother (nada) has BPD, and honestly I don & #39;t even know where to begin to deal with the things she & #39;s done. I heard about this group and felt that maybe I could find people who went through the same things that I have. I & #39;m just wondering where to start with this. She believes that she has been the perfect mother and refuses to see that she & #39;s done anything wrong. I can & #39;t forget the things she & #39;s done & amp; i & #39;m not exactly sure if i can even forgive her until she realized things. Will that ever happen? I have no idea. I guess I & #39;m just looking for advice? or maybe even just knowing that i & #39;m not alone? & gt; & gt; & gt; & gt; Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 23, 2011 Report Share Posted July 23, 2011 Part of having BPD is thinking that you're fine and everyone else has a problem. People who don't believe there is anything wrong with them don't want help because they don't think they need it. For any kind of therapy to work, the person being treated has to want to be helped and to change. Even when someone accepts treatment for BPD, my understanding is that it doesn't go away. At best, treatment helps the person to learn how to behave in a more acceptable manner. One of the things you pretty much have to do if you're going to deal with having a parent with BPD is accept that you can't do something to " fix " your parent's problem. Once you accept that, you can work on dealing with how it affects your life. As long as you're looking at it with the hope that you can do something to somehow make it go away, you're likely to have trouble doing what is best for yourself. In general, hope is a good thing, but holding on to an unrealistic hope can hold you back from acting on more realistic possibilities. At 01:44 AM 07/23/2011 wrote: >Thanks! & amp; I & #39;m starting to realize what BPD really is. I >mean i & #39;ve gone my whole life thinking that I just deserved >how she treated me no matter how bad it was. & amp; now that >I & #39;ve found out that she has this disorder it changes >everything and I & #39;m so confused. I want to help her get >better but it seems like she doesn & #39;t want help for herself. >My whole life all I & #39;ve done is try to protect her & amp; idk >how to do that with this? -- Katrina Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 23, 2011 Report Share Posted July 23, 2011 I think for me it means realizing she's sick and she can't take responsibility and pulling back from it and then beginning to nurture myself in ways that I did not get as a child. It has taken me a long time to get to the point I am now, of detaching from her almost completely. I had to completely see her part in the family mythology and where my association with her always landed me. She is just like the one that says " come into my parlor... " (said the spider to the fly)... That has been her consistent behavior. Drawing me in, allowing me to feel apart of, then ambushing or attacking me when I least expected it. Always. LOL, I just realized who my mother is: Lucy from Peanuts. And I am Charlie Brown, walking up to kick that football and knowing this was going to be the time she didn't pull it away at the last moment. And boom, once again i am laying on my back looking up at the sky going 'what happened'? For a long time (16 years) I was separate from my family and it was weird because they did not miss me. They felt very remote. I felt pretty sad, like I didn't have a family. When we were together all my mother harped about was how she wanted me to 'get along' with my dad (an abusive narcissist who singles me out particularly for abuse). I know during this time I just felt sad. That more than anything is the hard part for me to accept, that I really don't have a 'family', even though I am surrounded by them. I have to find another way to be and to them I will always be the 'bad guy' and I can't be anyone's bad guy anymore. > > So, I recently discovered that my mother (nada) has BPD, and honestly I don't even know where to begin to deal with the things she's done. I heard about this group and felt that maybe I could find people who went through the same things that I have. I'm just wondering where to start with this. She believes that she has been the perfect mother and refuses to see that she's done anything wrong. I can't forget the things she's done & i'm not exactly sure if i can even forgive her until she realized things. Will that ever happen? I have no idea. I guess I'm just looking for advice? or maybe even just knowing that i'm not alone? > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 23, 2011 Report Share Posted July 23, 2011 I totally understand. I guess I & #39;ve just always wanted to protect her from herself. I mean my nada was also a drug addict my entire life. I have two older sisters, but I was my nada & #39;s chosen target. I guess because I was the baby it was just easier to take everything out on me. And ever since I can remember I ust took it because I was afraid of what would happen if I didn & #39;t. I & #39;m so used to this emotional roller coaster, but it & #39;s getting to me and I have no idea what to do now. How to get through everything. I want a relationship with her but the one I have now is in NO way healthy. And I realize that but it & #39;s still too hard to just walk away from her. Yah know? ________________________________ From: Katrina & lt;kk1raven@... & gt; To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Saturday, July 23, 2011 9:32 AM Subject: Re: Where do I start? Â Part of having BPD is thinking that you & #39;re fine and everyone else has a problem. People who don & #39;t believe there is anything wrong with them don & #39;t want help because they don & #39;t think they need it. For any kind of therapy to work, the person being treated has to want to be helped and to change. Even when someone accepts treatment for BPD, my understanding is that it doesn & #39;t go away. At best, treatment helps the person to learn how to behave in a more acceptable manner. One of the things you pretty much have to do if you & #39;re going to deal with having a parent with BPD is accept that you can & #39;t do something to & quot;fix & quot; your parent & #39;s problem. Once you accept that, you can work on dealing with how it affects your life. As long as you & #39;re looking at it with the hope that you can do something to somehow make it go away, you & #39;re likely to have trouble doing what is best for yourself. In general, hope is a good thing, but holding on to an unrealistic hope can hold you back from acting on more realistic possibilities. At 01:44 AM 07/23/2011 wrote: & gt;Thanks! & amp; I & amp;#39;m starting to realize what BPD really is. I & gt;mean i & amp;#39;ve gone my whole life thinking that I just deserved & gt;how she treated me no matter how bad it was. & amp; now that & gt;I & amp;#39;ve found out that she has this disorder it changes & gt;everything and I & amp;#39;m so confused. I want to help her get & gt;better but it seems like she doesn & amp;#39;t want help for herself. & gt;My whole life all I & amp;#39;ve done is try to protect her & amp; idk & gt;how to do that with this? -- Katrina Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 23, 2011 Report Share Posted July 23, 2011 I'm not sure what I want to do at this point. I don't know if just distancing myself completely would be the best way. All i've ever done is internalize everything that she's said or done to me. And I don't know how to do anything different. This is so new. I'm going off to college soon and I don't want that new chapter of my life to be dictated by my past. I've let her run my life for 18 years. I don't know who I am without her. I'm trying to get through all of this but the time is slipping away and I'm so afraid that I'm not going to be healthy when it's time for me to leave. I've been trying to deal with the lifetime full of drugs, lies, broken relationships, isolation, and her choosing men over me in a short amount of time. And then all of the sudden I find out that she has BPD. And for some reason knowing she has this makes me want to feel bad for being so angry with her for everything she's done to me? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 23, 2011 Report Share Posted July 23, 2011 - GOOD FOR YOU. You managed to get through a Nada-ridden childhood, and you're still college bound. I truly hope you're going to a school at least a couple of hours away. Okay - so I'm the mother of a freshman bound for college in a couple of weeks. I'm going to tell you what " normal " looks like in this scenario. My son is going off to school. It's the end of my " kid in the house " phase, and I know I'm going to miss him (well, sometimes). But - here is the major thing - he worked hard in school so he could go to college (just like you did, right?). His future will be brighter because he's going to get a degree. His dad and I have worked toward this goal since the day we brought him home from the hospital. We are anxious for him, proud of him, and so happy that he gets to have this chance. We can't wait to hear about what he's doing, what he's learning, and see what he'll do with this opportunity. That's what a sane parent feels. There is no, " oh don't leave me, I'll be lonely " or " you owe it to me to feel guilty about leaving " - there's just joy, and excitement, and pride, mixed with a little wistfulness that my baby is all grown up (and some nervousness about all those girls on campus...) Listen, EVERYBODY reinvents themselves when they get to college, so it's a perfect opportunity to figure out who you're going to be without your mother in your life. In addition, there will be a counseling center on campus. Please make use of it - those folks specialize in helping students, and if they aren't familiar with BPD, they can put you in touch with someone who is. It's their job to help you work through issues so you can be successful in school. It's probably covered in your fees. Please, please, - use this time to find your own path,and do NOT let your mother distract you from your goals. This is YOUR TIME! You do not owe your mother one iota of guilt or anxiety about this. YOU got through high school, YOU made the GPA, YOU will have the hard work of earning the degree and becoming the adult you are meant to be. Unwrap the death grip of her mental illness from around your ankles, spread your wings, and fly free, kiddo. (And if you run into my son, be nice to him.) > > I'm not sure what I want to do at this point. I don't know if just distancing myself completely would be the best way. All i've ever done is internalize everything that she's said or done to me. And I don't know how to do anything different. This is so new. I'm going off to college soon and I don't want that new chapter of my life to be dictated by my past. I've let her run my life for 18 years. I don't know who I am without her. I'm trying to get through all of this but the time is slipping away and I'm so afraid that I'm not going to be healthy when it's time for me to leave. I've been trying to deal with the lifetime full of drugs, lies, broken relationships, isolation, and her choosing men over me in a short amount of time. And then all of the sudden I find out that she has BPD. And for some reason knowing she has this makes me want to feel bad for being so angry with her for everything she's done to me? > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 23, 2011 Report Share Posted July 23, 2011 ((((())))) You have a lot of different things to deal with right now. Going off to college is a huge change for you in and of itself. Even those with relatively stable, emotionally healthy parents find entering this new phase of life both challenging and exciting. Its normal for a lot of us to begin to " find out who we are " as a college student, because its our first time away from home, using our own judgement and not relying on our parents to make daily decisions for us. So, there's no need to fix normal (in my opinion.) But that normal life passage is made exponentially more difficult and drama-soaked when you have a parent or parents with personality disorder. The regular and ordinary events of life (births, deaths, marriages, graduations, etc.) seem to bring out the worst in the bpd parent, because it stirs up their fear-of-abandonment issues and possibly their narcissistic need to be the center of attention. Please don't beat yourself up; it takes time to absorb the whole idea that one's mother has a mental illness and that you can't change her or make her well, and all you can do is change your own self and how you will relate to her. In my opinion, you are ahead of the game... by a long shot. I wish I'd had your level of insight at 18. But still, its a process. Its not instant. If you haven't already, I urge you to read " Understanding The Borderline Mother " , " Stop Walking on Eggshells " , and " Surviving A Borderline Parent. " If you're moving away from your mother's home to live near the college, then the physical separation will be a good natural boundary that will help you in your evolution-into-adult -autonomy process. You sound very mature to me, actually, and I think you will navigate this new phase of life better than you think. -Annie > > I'm not sure what I want to do at this point. I don't know if just distancing myself completely would be the best way. All i've ever done is internalize everything that she's said or done to me. And I don't know how to do anything different. This is so new. I'm going off to college soon and I don't want that new chapter of my life to be dictated by my past. I've let her run my life for 18 years. I don't know who I am without her. I'm trying to get through all of this but the time is slipping away and I'm so afraid that I'm not going to be healthy when it's time for me to leave. I've been trying to deal with the lifetime full of drugs, lies, broken relationships, isolation, and her choosing men over me in a short amount of time. And then all of the sudden I find out that she has BPD. And for some reason knowing she has this makes me want to feel bad for being so angry with her for everything she's done to me? > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 23, 2011 Report Share Posted July 23, 2011 I think these feelings are very reasonable. Even people who grow up with mentally healthy and normal parents often feel like they don't know who they are yet when they go off to college. Your life changes rapidly at that point. Feeling unsure and not knowing how the future will play out is pretty normal. Feeling conflicted over being angry with someone who has mistreated you because she has a mental illness is normal too. It isn't her fault that she's mentally ill. At they same time, it isn't your fault either and you shouldn't be punished for it. Nothing forced her to mistreat you. BPD doesn't force people to make the choices they make. so they are not blameless. It does affect how they make choices though, so the amount of blame may be less than it would be if a mentally healthy person did the same things. It may help to compare the situation to that of a rabid dog. If your dog catches rabies, it isn't the dog's fault but that doesn't matter, nor does it matter how much you love the dog, you still have to take the proper steps to protect yourself from what has happened to it. You feel sorry for the dog, but you do what you need to do to deal with it. Similarly, you have to protect yourself from her mental illness. Protecting yourself doesn't necessarily mean distancing yourself completely. Some people find that having no contact is best for them. Others find that limiting contact in some fashion is a better choice. Different ways of limiting contact work for different people depending on the situation. My way is to refuse to listen when my nada starts saying bad things about me or other people. I warn her once that I'm not willing to continue the discussion and if she insists on continuing it I get up and leave or hang up the phone. I also refuse to let her make her " emergencies " into my emergencies. If she genuinely needs help, I'll try to help but I won't drop everything and go running because she's done something silly or is making a huge mountain out of a little molehill. It is also worth noting that most colleges offer mental health services. It may help to talk to someone about how you've been treated and how to deal with it. At 01:28 PM 07/23/2011 wrote: >I'm not sure what I want to do at this point. I don't know if >just distancing myself completely would be the best way. All >i've ever done is internalize everything that she's said or >done to me. And I don't know how to do anything different. This >is so new. I'm going off to college soon and I don't want that >new chapter of my life to be dictated by my past. I've let her >run my life for 18 years. I don't know who I am without her. >I'm trying to get through all of this but the time is slipping >away and I'm so afraid that I'm not going to be healthy when >it's time for me to leave. I've been trying to deal with the >lifetime full of drugs, lies, broken relationships, isolation, >and her choosing men over me in a short amount of time. And >then all of the sudden I find out that she has BPD. And for >some reason knowing she has this makes me want to feel bad for >being so angry with her for everything she's done to me? -- Katrina Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 23, 2011 Report Share Posted July 23, 2011 Hi , Just reading your entry and wanted to share a few thoughts. First of all congratulations to you for getting into college and getting all of that lined up. Not an easy task for sure. You have a lot you are dealing with. Remember - you are not responsible for anyone but yourself right now. Taking care of you is the best thing you can do for you, and your mom. I would suggest you consider seeking counseling (perhaps you already have?) to help you process all you have on your plate. If you haven't yet, and you don't feel you can set that up before leaving soon for college, on campus there will be counseling available for students. It would most likely be offered at no extra charge, as part of your tuition/fees/healthcare there. I would recommend you go soon after beginning school. You are going to need someone in your corner to help you process your home situation and school, etc. and these people are there to help you. Utilize them. It is confidential and they have resources for you. Believe me, you will not be alone, they will be busy helping lots of people. Most of all be good to yourself and know you are a good person, and worthy of feeling in control of your life and comfortable about who you are. It is normal to be discovering who exactly that is at this stage in your life, and you had mentioned possibly distancing yourself completely would be a good idea,and now is a natural time for that to happen with college around the corner, at least for a while. A couple of books I would suggest you may want to read are " Stop Walking on Eggshells " and " Understanding the Borderline MOther " . I have read both and find them helpful. Both made me feel less alone and not so bad about what I was seeing/feeling. You may relate to some of the information and some you won't, but they will provide you with insight - something you are seeking right now -it sounds like. > > I'm not sure what I want to do at this point. I don't know if just distancing myself completely would be the best way. All i've ever done is internalize everything that she's said or done to me. And I don't know how to do anything different. This is so new. I'm going off to college soon and I don't want that new chapter of my life to be dictated by my past. I've let her run my life for 18 years. I don't know who I am without her. I'm trying to get through all of this but the time is slipping away and I'm so afraid that I'm not going to be healthy when it's time for me to leave. I've been trying to deal with the lifetime full of drugs, lies, broken relationships, isolation, and her choosing men over me in a short amount of time. And then all of the sudden I find out that she has BPD. And for some reason knowing she has this makes me want to feel bad for being so angry with her for everything she's done to me? > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 24, 2011 Report Share Posted July 24, 2011 Welcome, ! It was almost a year ago that I finally figured out my mom is BPD--after 47 years of thinking something was wrong with me. My nada never accepted responsibility for her actions, and exhibited behaviors throughout my life that were blaming, hateful, immature, manic, aggressive, etc. If you bring any of those instances up she'd have no memory of said conflict, unless it was blaming ME for all the ways a conversation went wrong. The past year have been a revelation to me. I find myself disengaging more and more from concern over having any sort of relationship with her--simply because I now know she is incapable of a real relationship where rational conversations takes place and people have reasonable expectations of each other. My nada, too, thinks she's been the perfect mother. She lies and my fada swears to it. They are perfect for each other. > > So, I recently discovered that my mother (nada) has BPD, and honestly I don't even know where to begin to deal with the things she's done. I heard about this group and felt that maybe I could find people who went through the same things that I have. I'm just wondering where to start with this. She believes that she has been the perfect mother and refuses to see that she's done anything wrong. I can't forget the things she's done & i'm not exactly sure if i can even forgive her until she realized things. Will that ever happen? I have no idea. I guess I'm just looking for advice? or maybe even just knowing that i'm not alone? > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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