please don't let me be like her.

[Guest guest]

Hello everyone! I wanted to thank you all so much for your encouraging posts and

helpful advice. I am new to this group and the words of wisdom are a lifesaver

for me. I just bought the book Understanding the Borderline Mother and

immediatly felt moved by how much I can relate. I opened to the chapter of the

" all bad child " and burst into tears. To my mother I am a failure and will never

be worth her love. Reading that because of this I may become borderline as well

is too much for me to handle. I refuse to become like her. Anyone else in the

same situation?

[Guest guest]

I worry about it all the time, although it's actually my stepmom I am worried

about becoming. I fiind myself wondering if I am becoming like her on a daily

basis, because of something I say or do. Welcome to the group. I have found

everyone's stories and experiences moving and very helpful.

Â

 Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own

understanding.

 In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.

 Be not wise in thine own eyes: fear the LORD, and depart from evil.

 It shall be health to thy navel, and marrow to thy bones.

Proverbs 3:5-8

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Friday, July 22, 2011 9:22 PM

Subject: please don't let me be like her.

Â

Hello everyone! I wanted to thank you all so much for your encouraging posts and

helpful advice. I am new to this group and the words of wisdom are a lifesaver

for me. I just bought the book Understanding the Borderline Mother and

immediatly felt moved by how much I can relate. I opened to the chapter of the

" all bad child " and burst into tears. To my mother I am a failure and will never

be worth her love. Reading that because of this I may become borderline as well

is too much for me to handle. I refuse to become like her. Anyone else in the

same situation?

[Guest guest]

Hi,

I think most of us have probably had that fear, that we will be just as

disordered as our parent(s).

Every child learns how to navigate in the world by watching his parents (or

other primary caregiver). When our parents have lousy coping skills of their

own, it's impossible for them to teach us good ones. So we end up with some of

their less-than-ideal behaviors just because that's what we're taught (we call

those behaviors " fleas " around here). Sometimes, we might even learn enough of

them to qualify for a BPD diagnosis of our own.

But the good news is, that just because your parent has BPD, and just because

that parent has treated you as the all-bad child, that does NOT mean that you

have BPD or that it is inevitable that you will become just like your disordered

parent.

We can make different choices than our parents made, and we can acquire the

healthy skills that our parents failed to teach us. The best way to do this,

IMO, is to seek help from a professional counselor. That is how we un-learn the

behaviors that are not helpful for us and replace them with healthier ones. It

is good to have support as we develop our own independent identity and learn to

protect ourselves with boundaries.

Please take comfort in knowing that even if you find some behaviors in yourself

that you think are like your mother's, that does not mean that you are fatally

flawed or that you cannot change those things. Glad you found this board--I

think you will find lots of validation and support here. The next step would be

to look for a counselor that can work with you and give you more personalized

and ongoing support.

All the best,

Sveta

>

> Hello everyone! I wanted to thank you all so much for your encouraging posts

and helpful advice. I am new to this group and the words of wisdom are a

lifesaver for me. I just bought the book Understanding the Borderline Mother and

immediatly felt moved by how much I can relate. I opened to the chapter of the

" all bad child " and burst into tears. To my mother I am a failure and will never

be worth her love. Reading that because of this I may become borderline as well

is too much for me to handle. I refuse to become like her. Anyone else in the

same situation?

>

[Guest guest]

-Every time I had to discipline my kids, I'd worry I was being too fussy, like

nada. Every time I raise my voice in anger, a little voice inside is asking if I

have crossed over the line to become like nada.

Every time. I have gotten better listening to my instincts--I know I am really

NOT like her. I know I go out of the way to remain calm when chaos starts

happening.

I don't think we will ever completely stop asking ourselves " WWND? and am I

acting like her? " But I am feeling overall much more certain and justified for

any emotional responses to the world around me. I know that I tend to be more

neurotic (everything is my fault) than lacking in accountabilty.

I would also like to read UTBM, but so many of the reviews have stated the same

as your concerns. A year ago I was probably too fragile to be able to read

something like that.

>

> Hello everyone! I wanted to thank you all so much for your encouraging posts

and helpful advice. I am new to this group and the words of wisdom are a

lifesaver for me. I just bought the book Understanding the Borderline Mother and

immediatly felt moved by how much I can relate. I opened to the chapter of the

" all bad child " and burst into tears. To my mother I am a failure and will never

be worth her love. Reading that because of this I may become borderline as well

is too much for me to handle. I refuse to become like her. Anyone else in the

same situation?

>

[Guest guest]

>

> -Every time I had to discipline my kids, I'd worry I was being too fussy, like

nada. Every time I raise my voice in anger, a little voice inside is asking if I

have crossed over the line to become like nada.

Oh, me too! It's really bad when your voice actually physically *sounds* just

like nada's! Just hearing her voice is a trigger for me, and sometimes hearing

it come out of *my* body is just terrifying. But most of the time it doesn't,

just when I've raised my voice or when I temporarily revert to the " country "

accent I grew up with.

I was going to add to my original reply that I really do understand the fear of

" catching " BPD. I had an episode when I was in my early twenties where I

dissociated and made a suicidal gesture. I probably should have been

hospitalized but was treated as an outpatient for anxiety and depression. Even

when I saw a psychiatrist for meds, I never had any talk therapy. Years later I

had a panic attack and got really depressed and decided it was time to go to

therapy. After a year, when my counselor was telling me I had completed

treatment and she didn't plan to see me again unless I felt I needed to come

back, she said to me, " You know, when you entered therapy there were two ways

this could have gone. You were headed down the path to being a Borderline just

like your mother. But you got to that fork in the road and decided to go the

other way. You asked for help and worked hard to change the behaviors you'd

learned, and now you have healthy ones instead. " And she said she was proud of

me, gave me a hug, and sent me back out into the world.

It was a little bit of a shock to hear her say it, but she was right. I had

black-and-white thinking, I didn't really have a clear sense of my identity, I

had deep shame, I expected my husband to leave me, I had made suicidal gestures

in the past and continued to have bouts of depression, I sometimes felt I could

not control my emotions or that other people were responsible for making me feel

better, etc. But here's how I either did not become a borderline or somehow

managed to avoid a diagnosis: I ASKED FOR HELP TO CHANGE. And it worked.

People here will tell you that if you're worried you might have BPD you probably

don't, because Borderline's never think that there's anything wrong with them.

And that's largely true. I know I was pretty terrified once I read the critera

that a lot of them applied to me, and now I don't meet any of them really.

Chances are pretty good that if you think you have a problem it isn't BPD ;-)

But still, even if it is, it is something you can recover from. So I'm trying to

alleiviate your fears.

SVA