Re: I think I messed up with boundaries. Now I need to fix it...

[Guest guest]

This is really unacceptable and invasive. Can you tell them to limit

texting to 8-9pm for instance (or whenever you think it won't interefere

with your sleep) and ask them to only text a maximum 3 times a day (or

whatever limit you're comfortable with).

I had a friend who used to text me nonstop all the time and if I didn't

reply right away she would send me a message with " ????? " . When she gets

sick of one friend, she finds another to constantly text. It also can be

really rude to text when you're hanging with people! If they don't respect

your boundaries you could ignore them and then just reply at night, to all

the messages. It's a shame you can't filter them like emails -emails from

nada go straight to delete.

> **

>

>

> My fada and mom got unlimited texting. They text me constantly and expect

> a response immediately, even late at night when I could be asleep. I

> thought this was a better option than having to call them daily, because I

> can choose to have a longer time lapse between texts and not respond to

> certain things, which would be more difficult in a phone call.

>

> Suddenly, I find myself texting them more than I text my friends and I

> don't even remember how it all started. I'm getting sucked in and thinking

> " it's not so bad to talk to them all the time. " Even though things are okay

> now, I know there will be a point when they fall apart again, and I do NOT

> want to be constantly contacted about how I screwed up etc. Overall, I want

> to get out of slipping into enmeshment with them and I feel terrible for

> letting myself slip into these patterns of communication again when I was

> doing so well setting limits before.

>

> Any advice on what to tell them? How to set a limit when I clearly haven't

> been following any limits for a while? This all takes too much energy...

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I agree, I would consider frequent texting to be annoying, obsessive, intrusive

and invasive. And infantile or neurotic. Your parents are acting like babies

screaming for mommy's attention.

I like the idea of just saying something like, " This isn't working for me. From

now on I'll read all the texts you've sent over the previous 24 hours each day

at 5pm, and send you

one reply. The rest of the day my texter will be turned off. That's the best I

can do. Thanks for understanding. Bye. "

So, no explaining, no justifying, no defending, no arguing. Just state what you

are willing to tolerate and that they can expect only one reply per day from you

(or whatever frequency feels tolerable to you) so they don't freak out and

become hysterical when you stop responding immediately.

Or you could say, " I need a time out, a break, a rest, so I won't be responding

to any communications for a couple of weeks. Thanks for understanding. Bye. "

I'm getting the impression that you feel guilty for reinstating a boundary that

your parents have bulldozed over in their Sherman tank, but you have done

nothing to feel guilty about. If anyone should feel guilty for being intrusive,

invasive, and stressing you out, it should be your parents. But two year olds

don't have the capacity to feel empathy or guilt or remorse, so, you have to be

the grown up and set the " rules of engagement " for your relationship with them.

If they try to play the guilt card, or use FOG to manipulate you, just repeat

like a broken record, 'Sorry, mom and dad, but that's the best I can do. " " Yes,

I realize its difficult for you, but this is the best I can do. " " I can hear

that you are upset, but this is the best I can do. "

And if they just will NOT let up and harp on it, you can say, " I believe I have

already addressed this issue. Is there something else you want to talk with me

about? No? Then there are a lot of things I need to be taking care of right

now. Talk to you later. Bye. "

Thumb's up! Setting and maintaining boundaries isn't easy, but it beats the

alternative of having a brain aneurism from stress before your time.

-Annie

>

> This is really unacceptable and invasive. Can you tell them to limit

> texting to 8-9pm for instance (or whenever you think it won't interefere

> with your sleep) and ask them to only text a maximum 3 times a day (or

> whatever limit you're comfortable with).

>

> I had a friend who used to text me nonstop all the time and if I didn't

> reply right away she would send me a message with " ????? " . When she gets

> sick of one friend, she finds another to constantly text. It also can be

> really rude to text when you're hanging with people! If they don't respect

> your boundaries you could ignore them and then just reply at night, to all

> the messages. It's a shame you can't filter them like emails -emails from

> nada go straight to delete.

>

[Guest guest]

Ugh, what a nightmare! I could see that happening with me if my mother ever

learned to text!

Well...here's the thing. I'm all for saying " I want you to stop texting me so

much. From now on, I will answer 2 texts a day and that's it. " And then

continue saying that when (and it will probably be " when " and not " if " ) they

fail to respect your boundaries.

However, for me -- right now, at my age, and where I'm at in my life this minute

-- I'm too lazy and don't have the energy for such confrontations. If it were

me, today at 9:15am Eastern time, I would tell my mother something was wrong

with my phone's texting function and that I had to take it in for servicing and

not to bother with texting me b/c I wasn't getting them.

I know - coward's way out. If this came up last year, I would definitely be

more forceful and consistent with my mother. It was more of a mission for me at

the time. I had the eye of the tiger then.

Dealing with BPs is like dealing with a child. If you're going to start a war

and change something in their daily routine, you'd better be prepared to be

consistent, focused, and willing to enforce what you said. You could tell your

child, " no more tv today " and brace yourself for the fight the rest of the day

OR say " the tv's broken...it won't go on. " And that's that.

Obviously, this one time lie only temporarily fixes this symptom of your issue

with your parents. At some point (and it sounds like you had been doing this),

you will have to start the war and engage in it.

I guess it depends on how much you're feeling up to it.

I hope you get relief from the text bombardment!!

Fiona

>

> My fada and mom got unlimited texting. They text me constantly and expect a

response immediately, even late at night when I could be asleep. I thought this

was a better option than having to call them daily, because I can choose to have

a longer time lapse between texts and not respond to certain things, which would

be more difficult in a phone call.

>

> Suddenly, I find myself texting them more than I text my friends and I don't

even remember how it all started. I'm getting sucked in and thinking " it's not

so bad to talk to them all the time. " Even though things are okay now, I know

there will be a point when they fall apart again, and I do NOT want to be

constantly contacted about how I screwed up etc. Overall, I want to get out of

slipping into enmeshment with them and I feel terrible for letting myself slip

into these patterns of communication again when I was doing so well setting

limits before.

>

> Any advice on what to tell them? How to set a limit when I clearly haven't

been following any limits for a while? This all takes too much energy...

>

[Guest guest]

thanks everyone!

I think I am going to talk this over with my T and finally get some

limit-setting going. I've just been putting it off so long...gah. so easy to

just continue how I'm living and take the blows. Thanks for the encouragement;

think I'll start taking some action steps soon!

> >

> > This is really unacceptable and invasive. Can you tell them to limit

> > texting to 8-9pm for instance (or whenever you think it won't interefere

> > with your sleep) and ask them to only text a maximum 3 times a day (or

> > whatever limit you're comfortable with).

> >

> > I had a friend who used to text me nonstop all the time and if I didn't

> > reply right away she would send me a message with " ????? " . When she gets

> > sick of one friend, she finds another to constantly text. It also can be

> > really rude to text when you're hanging with people! If they don't respect

> > your boundaries you could ignore them and then just reply at night, to all

> > the messages. It's a shame you can't filter them like emails -emails from

> > nada go straight to delete.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Texting is such a nightmare! It is so hard to ignore and even if you try to just

delete them without reading them, somehow your eyes catch just enough to let you

know what it said!

I used to sit with my phone, sleep with my phone, etc. just in case someone from

the family needed me. The more I have worked with my therapist and the more I

have worked on taking care of myself and my relationship, the more I have

distanced myself from my phone. It's actually kind of funny. I used to sleep

with it right next to me, now it is plugged in across the room....turned off

every night. When I get home at the end of the day, it stays on the table by the

door no matter where I go in the apartment. Even last night when my phone made a

noise and I jumped to pull my hand away from my fiance's hand (I'm telling you,

responding to my phone is such a trigger-response to me!), my fiance squeezed my

hand and didn't let it go to help remind me to stay in the moment rather than

jumping to be there for my family. These have all been little ways that I have

been able to distance myself from being at the beck and call of my family (nada

and BPD sis to be specific).

Maybe this could be a small way that you give yourself permission to break free

from the ties on the other end. Its your choice when and if you look at your

phone and respond.

Good luck to you and take care!~

> >

> > My fada and mom got unlimited texting. They text me constantly and expect a

response immediately, even late at night when I could be asleep. I thought this

was a better option than having to call them daily, because I can choose to have

a longer time lapse between texts and not respond to certain things, which would

be more difficult in a phone call.

> >

> > Suddenly, I find myself texting them more than I text my friends and I don't

even remember how it all started. I'm getting sucked in and thinking " it's not

so bad to talk to them all the time. " Even though things are okay now, I know

there will be a point when they fall apart again, and I do NOT want to be

constantly contacted about how I screwed up etc. Overall, I want to get out of

slipping into enmeshment with them and I feel terrible for letting myself slip

into these patterns of communication again when I was doing so well setting

limits before.

> >

> > Any advice on what to tell them? How to set a limit when I clearly haven't

been following any limits for a while? This all takes too much energy...

> >

>