a sad realization

[Guest guest]

I started my Physical therapy for my chronic muscle tension issues (pelvic floor

dysfunction) last week. the results are amazing. I am having so many less

symptoms now.

it is a lot of work.

then on Sat. Nada called. (I have not told her about all of the medical

treatment because she abused and medically neglected me for my whole life for

this condition.) we talked for about 5 min. and all of the symptoms came back.

she then called me Sunday too because she NEEDED more.

and I went into PTSD mode and shut down for the rest of Sunday, and Monday. I

will be getting treatment for that starting next week.

I have been uncomfortable with her weekly calls for a while now. I thought I was

unreasonable because it is not like it is every day (like she used to do when I

first left home) but I now see that if I am to heal emotionally and physically I

need a real break.

I sent an e-mail to my Dad saying that I am getting PT and am in need of

relaxation, and can't do a visit this year. He may never say anything and they

may come anyway. but I knew nada would call and DEMAND an explanation, and I

can't give her one she will accept.

I have wanted to stop her calls for a few months now, I even don't answer

sometimes, so she thinks I am harder to get a hold of than I really am.

today I wrote her and my dad an e-mail that I will send them a weekly e-mail

telling them what happened that week.

I can't loose 2 days every weekend. I think I will have my husband answer the

phone (we have no caller ID) on those days. I have spared her feelings long

enough I need to heal.

I did not want to take this step, but it is becoming clear that it is what I

need whether people in my family understand or not.

[Guest guest]

You are not alone in experiencing this kind of distressing, direct physical

reaction to the stress of maintaining contact with your nada, so please don't

feel guilty for having to make a very firm boundary to protect yourself.

You and I both received physical abuse and/or physical neglect in addition to

the emotional abuse at the hands of our nadas, so, perhaps that is a factor in

our bodies and minds reacting so extremely when we feel (or felt, in my case,

since my nada is now deceased) particularly stressed out by nada.

It got to the point for me where if I heard my nada's voice on the phone,

afterward I would be hit by very unpleasant symptoms that seem to be " Meniere's

Disease " , and which debilitated me for a good 12 hours straight each time. I

think a factor in generating those symptoms for me was my repressed, unexpressed

rage resulting in a severe blood pressure spike.

All I knew was that I couldn't afford to get blind-sided like that: put out of

commission for a half day at a time, so I had to choose total No Contact for my

own well-being.

I never told my nada that hearing her voice literally made me quite sick, but it

was very real and its one of the key reasons I needed to go and stay NC.

I hope your solution of one weekly e-mail update will work for you. Keeping my

fingers crossed for you.

-Annie

>

> I started my Physical therapy for my chronic muscle tension issues (pelvic

floor dysfunction) last week. the results are amazing. I am having so many less

symptoms now.

>

> it is a lot of work.

>

> then on Sat. Nada called. (I have not told her about all of the medical

treatment because she abused and medically neglected me for my whole life for

this condition.) we talked for about 5 min. and all of the symptoms came back.

she then called me Sunday too because she NEEDED more.

>

> and I went into PTSD mode and shut down for the rest of Sunday, and Monday. I

will be getting treatment for that starting next week.

>

> I have been uncomfortable with her weekly calls for a while now. I thought I

was unreasonable because it is not like it is every day (like she used to do

when I first left home) but I now see that if I am to heal emotionally and

physically I need a real break.

>

> I sent an e-mail to my Dad saying that I am getting PT and am in need of

relaxation, and can't do a visit this year. He may never say anything and they

may come anyway. but I knew nada would call and DEMAND an explanation, and I

can't give her one she will accept.

>

> I have wanted to stop her calls for a few months now, I even don't answer

sometimes, so she thinks I am harder to get a hold of than I really am.

>

> today I wrote her and my dad an e-mail that I will send them a weekly e-mail

telling them what happened that week.

>

> I can't loose 2 days every weekend. I think I will have my husband answer the

phone (we have no caller ID) on those days. I have spared her feelings long

enough I need to heal.

>

> I did not want to take this step, but it is becoming clear that it is what I

need whether people in my family understand or not.

>

[Guest guest]

O I'd been there and still am. I am STILL grieving the nc stance

since Christmas because it's not what I want. But I know it's

for the best. I too get stomach upset and reall stressed when

talking to my parents; like you I shut down and I found I had no

idea how to respond. So... What treatment are you doing for the

ptsd?

Steph

[Guest guest]

Meikjn,

I totally support you in this step you're taking.

Your mother has no right to demand to talk when she needs to. It's great, as

well, that you're screening your calls and not picking up. You are offering her

a means to hear from you and know you're alive and well...that's all she wants,

right? I like your idea.

It's clear that your health is in peril. I had to do a similar thing this past

summer with nada. Scaling back on contact is hard to do, but I had to for my

health (I have a lot of joint issues, anxiety, depression). Being LC with her

has been good for me.

I'm proud of you.

Fiona

>

> I started my Physical therapy for my chronic muscle tension issues (pelvic

floor dysfunction) last week. the results are amazing. I am having so many less

symptoms now.

>

> it is a lot of work.

>

> then on Sat. Nada called. (I have not told her about all of the medical

treatment because she abused and medically neglected me for my whole life for

this condition.) we talked for about 5 min. and all of the symptoms came back.

she then called me Sunday too because she NEEDED more.

>

> and I went into PTSD mode and shut down for the rest of Sunday, and Monday. I

will be getting treatment for that starting next week.

>

> I have been uncomfortable with her weekly calls for a while now. I thought I

was unreasonable because it is not like it is every day (like she used to do

when I first left home) but I now see that if I am to heal emotionally and

physically I need a real break.

>

> I sent an e-mail to my Dad saying that I am getting PT and am in need of

relaxation, and can't do a visit this year. He may never say anything and they

may come anyway. but I knew nada would call and DEMAND an explanation, and I

can't give her one she will accept.

>

> I have wanted to stop her calls for a few months now, I even don't answer

sometimes, so she thinks I am harder to get a hold of than I really am.

>

> today I wrote her and my dad an e-mail that I will send them a weekly e-mail

telling them what happened that week.

>

> I can't loose 2 days every weekend. I think I will have my husband answer the

phone (we have no caller ID) on those days. I have spared her feelings long

enough I need to heal.

>

> I did not want to take this step, but it is becoming clear that it is what I

need whether people in my family understand or not.

>

[Guest guest]

I'll second every sentiment Steph expresses here. I would also like info on

treatment you may find effective.

>

> O I'd been there and still am. I am STILL grieving the nc stance

> since Christmas because it's not what I want. But I know it's

> for the best. I too get stomach upset and reall stressed when

> talking to my parents; like you I shut down and I found I had no

> idea how to respond. So... What treatment are you doing for the

> ptsd?

> Steph

>

[Guest guest]

I'm sorry that you have experienced this ptsd stuff too. I'm not in any formal

therapy now. I'm just trying to be more aware of what triggers me and process

it. Over the years of No Contact, I noticed that my ptsd reactions became more

muted and infrequent, on their own, due to not being in frequent contact with my

original stressor, nada.

Now that my nada is deceased, I don't have that original trigger any longer.

But back when she was still alive but I had initiated No Contact, a sudden,

unexpected call from nada did generate extreme symptoms in me, but, she's gone

now.

So now, its a matter of becoming more aware of my weak spots and trying to stay

away from people who remind me of nada, or, trying to self-soothe and process

episodes when they do happen. Regarding the recent phone call from my Aunt;

now I have incorporated the knowledge and expectation that I will hear from

extended relatives directly from time to time, and its OK, because my aunt is

very gentle and loving and emotionally stable and predictably so. She is a

teeny bit waify, but she has never been emotionally abusive (negative, critical,

raging, insulting, violent, demanding, contemptuous, etc.) with anyone. I

consider her and my mother's other sister, my Aunt S, to be safe people.

-Annie

>

> O I'd been there and still am. I am STILL grieving the nc stance

> since Christmas because it's not what I want. But I know it's

> for the best. I too get stomach upset and reall stressed when

> talking to my parents; like you I shut down and I found I had no

> idea how to respond. So... What treatment are you doing for the

> ptsd?

> Steph

>

[Guest guest]

I hope your dad didn't get mad after reading the possible email

you sent.

Steph

Re: a sad realization

You are not alone in experiencing this kind of distressing,

direct physical reaction to the stress of maintaining contact

with your nada, so please don't feel guilty for having to make a

very firm boundary to protect yourself.

You and I both received physical abuse and/or physical neglect in

addition to the emotional abuse at the hands of our nadas, so,

perhaps that is a factor in our bodies and minds reacting so

extremely when we feel (or felt, in my case, since my nada is now

deceased) particularly stressed out by nada.

It got to the point for me where if I heard my nada's voice on

the phone, afterward I would be hit by very unpleasant symptoms

that seem to be " Meniere's Disease " , and which debilitated me for

a good 12 hours straight each time. I think a factor in

generating those symptoms for me was my repressed, unexpressed

rage resulting in a severe blood pressure spike.

All I knew was that I couldn't afford to get blind-sided like

that: put out of commission for a half day at a time, so I had to

choose total No Contact for my own well-being.

I never told my nada that hearing her voice literally made me

quite sick, but it was very real and its one of the key reasons I

needed to go and stay NC.

I hope your solution of one weekly e-mail update will work for

you. Keeping my fingers crossed for you.

-Annie

I started my Physical therapy for my chronic muscle tension

issues (pelvic floor dysfunction) last week. the results are

amazing. I am having so many less symptoms now.

it is a lot of work.

then on Sat. Nada called. (I have not told her about all of

the medical treatment because she abused and medically neglected

me for my whole life for this condition.) we talked for about 5

min. and all of the symptoms came back. she then called me

Sunday too because she NEEDED more.

and I went into PTSD mode and shut down for the rest of Sunday,

and Monday. I will be getting treatment for that starting next

week.

I have been uncomfortable with her weekly calls for a while now.

I thought I was unreasonable because it is not like it is every

day (like she used to do when I first left home) but I now see

that if I am to heal emotionally and physically I need a real

break.

I sent an e-mail to my Dad saying that I am getting PT and am in

need of relaxation, and can't do a visit this year. He may never

say anything and they may come anyway. but I knew nada would

call and DEMAND an explanation, and I can't give her one she will

accept.

I have wanted to stop her calls for a few months now, I even

don't answer sometimes, so she thinks I am harder to get a hold

of than I really am.

today I wrote her and my dad an e-mail that I will send them a

weekly e-mail telling them what happened that week.

I can't loose 2 days every weekend. I think I will have my

husband answer the phone (we have no caller ID) on those days. I

have spared her feelings long enough I need to heal.

I did not want to take this step, but it is becoming clear that

it is what I need whether people in my family understand or not.

------------------------------------

**This group is based on principles in Randi Kreger's new book

The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder:

New Tips and Tools to Stop Walking on Eggshells, available at

www.BPDCentral.com.** Problems? Write @.... DO

NOT RESPOND ON THE LIST.

To unsub from this list, send a blank email to

WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe .

Recommended: " Toxic Parents, " " Surviving a Borderline Parent, "

and " Understanding the Borderline Mother " (hard to find)Yahoo!

Groups Links

[Guest guest]

my dad does not really get mad I think he shucked most emotion long before I was

born. he is as emotional as a brick.

Nada replied to my e-mail I would copy it here but I deleted it. it was a winy

demand to know what is going on and we used to have such nice conversations

about almost nothing, don't you want to talk to me anymore etc... trust me Nada

you don't want the truth. not that it would make a dent. weekly e-mails are the

plan, honestly I am feeling good about it. her voice triggers me. so far other

than a little upset at first, I am ok, so e-mail feels mostly safe.

as for therapy, I am not quite to the point of doing it yet but I am planning to

do EMDR. I have talked to the therapist on the phone, it is not something you

just jump into. I am doing all of the pre-lim and diagnostic stuff on Tues. it

takes a specialist in trauma, but I have issues from severe bullying too (which

nada refuses to believe happened, and gaslights and rants at me when I suggest

" nice " people hurt me) emotional triggers also trigger my pelvic floor

dysfunction. so my issues are rather multifaceted.

steph- I hope you find a way to find peace in your chosen family. mine is a

huge comfort. I miss my illusion sometimes. I used to think my family was

wonderful and that I was " wrong " to have feelings that contradicted that. I am

struggling with all of that too. welcome back.

Meikjn

>

> I started my Physical therapy for my chronic muscle tension

> issues (pelvic floor dysfunction) last week. the results are

> amazing. I am having so many less symptoms now.

>

> it is a lot of work.

>

> then on Sat. Nada called. (I have not told her about all of

> the medical treatment because she abused and medically neglected

> me for my whole life for this condition.) we talked for about 5

> min. and all of the symptoms came back. she then called me

> Sunday too because she NEEDED more.

>

> and I went into PTSD mode and shut down for the rest of Sunday,

> and Monday. I will be getting treatment for that starting next

> week.

>

> I have been uncomfortable with her weekly calls for a while now.

> I thought I was unreasonable because it is not like it is every

> day (like she used to do when I first left home) but I now see

> that if I am to heal emotionally and physically I need a real

> break.

>

> I sent an e-mail to my Dad saying that I am getting PT and am in

> need of relaxation, and can't do a visit this year. He may never

> say anything and they may come anyway. but I knew nada would

> call and DEMAND an explanation, and I can't give her one she will

> accept.

>

> I have wanted to stop her calls for a few months now, I even

> don't answer sometimes, so she thinks I am harder to get a hold

> of than I really am.

>

> today I wrote her and my dad an e-mail that I will send them a

> weekly e-mail telling them what happened that week.

>

> I can't loose 2 days every weekend. I think I will have my

> husband answer the phone (we have no caller ID) on those days. I

> have spared her feelings long enough I need to heal.

>

> I did not want to take this step, but it is becoming clear that

> it is what I need whether people in my family understand or not.

>

>

>

>

>

> ------------------------------------

>

> **This group is based on principles in Randi Kreger's new book

> The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder:

> New Tips and Tools to Stop Walking on Eggshells, available at

> www.BPDCentral.com.** Problems? Write @... DO

> NOT RESPOND ON THE LIST.

>

> To unsub from this list, send a blank email to

> WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe

>

> Recommended: " Toxic Parents, " " Surviving a Borderline Parent, "

> and " Understanding the Borderline Mother " (hard to find)Yahoo!

> Groups Links

>