Re: Mischief managed -

July 23, 2011

First of all, congrats on a well-managed visit with your mother! You were very

proactive and handled her negative behaviors beautifully. Arranging for

alone-time/breaks from contact via taking a nap with the baby was brilliant.

Kudos!

RE how she is with your baby; sometimes bpd moms can handle babies and very

small children well, but when the child grows, individuates, and becomes someone

who can express her own opinions, tastes or feelings that may differ from bpd

mom's... THAT's when the bpd mom can't handle parenting well. Individuation on

the child's part triggers abandonment fears in the bpd mom.

In my nada's case, she needed me to be her clone, her mini-me, and anything

about me that was different from her was bad; I was shamed and humiliated into

not being an individual, and pressured into lock-step with nada's tastes,

feelings and needs. (Unlike your mother, mine wasn't comfortable or happy with

me as a baby, either. She just was not suited for motherhood, generally

speaking, in many ways.)

So, I guess my suggestion is to enjoy your mother being good with your son now,

but be on the alert for behaviors that indicate that she may be starting to

" split him black " OR " split him golden " as he grows up.

-Annie

>

> My Mother's visit went very well. She was here really on three and a half days

(which seemed just right - irritability started to show last night - had her own

space, we cooked only once and had daily breaks built in due to my child's need

for a nap. There were some WTH moments - rewritten history, attempts to start

little arguments yesterday and she had a hard time with some of her OCD

tendencies in our very anti-OCD home, but all in all an uneventful visit.

>

> One funny-ish story: last night of the trip and we had driven about forty

minutes to go to a special restaurant. As we were leaving, I said, " Mom, I know

you're a grown woman, but you might want to use the restroom before we leave.

You may not have noticed (since you and the baby were playing on the way up) but

there isn't really anywhere to stop on the way back. " (Can I tell you how many

times we have traveled somewhere miserably bc she refuses to either let us stop

so she can use the restroom or bc she has a restroom emergency, always in BFE,

or bc of some combo of the first two PLUS a blow by blow account of what it is

she needs to do in said restroom? Just...ew.) So she says, " No, I'm fine. " Very

neutrally, I said, " Okay, well I am going to go. " She says, TESTILY, " Well, ok!

If it will make YOU feel better, I'll go. " I replied, neutrally, " Mom, I have

absolutely no feelings about whether or not you use the restroom. The only

feeling I have is...the feeling that <I> need to use the restroom. " And I did

and it was AWESOME!!!

>

> Anyway, so last night I had this very vivid dream and LSS it was just about me

and this terrible sense of loss - loss of the way things should have been,

things I can never go back and get a do-over on, things that I will always

regret, ways I had to take charge and do my best to get at least some of my own

childhood needs met, and the realization that some of them will never, ever be

met and I have to live with that.

>

> I had been thinking all afternoon/evenin how sad it was that I have to remain

so on guard, and yet so detached and that I have to carefully weigh every word,

steer every conversation into safe waters. And it is hard to watch her being so

wonderful with my son (and listen to her pontificate on childrearing and

criticize abusive parents...like she is not of that ilk) - I am glad she is warm

and loving with him but I can't help but think, where was THAT when I was

young?!? It's just so, so sad.

>

July 24, 2011

Glad to hear it went well - and I had to laugh at your description of the Best

Trip to the Bathroom EVER!!!! We KO's are so appreciative of the weirdest

things...

-

July 24, 2011

Kimber,

Annie read my mind on all counts. Nadas can be extremely good with babies and

small children when they are not the primary caregiver.

My mother visited out here when my son was very sick due to multiple reasons.

She rocked him and scratched his back and watched cartoons with him and loved on

him to her hearts content. The only problem she had was with her allergies and

she was even complementary to how calm I stayed about his illness and how I

never over reacted (WOW) and admitted that she would have been freaking out if I

was not so well informed about what was a real reason for panic and a trip to

the ER. The next visit was not so easy. My son was healthy and at what I like to

call " high octane levels " She got very flustered and overwhelmed The older he

gets and the more he wants to do his own thing the more resentful she gets. He

is almost twelve so I see difficult days ahead. I am already seeing him

reverting to the pattern she started with my brother when he was little. Buying

him everything that he wants. She got a computer for her house, mostly for him

and had cable and wi-fi set up too. She never felt the need to get cable until

she found out that one of the main reasons he liked going to my dad's house was

that he had cartoon network, nick ect.

I'll repeat Annie warning...enjoy it now while it lasts. be on the alert for

nada behaviors and never forget the lessons you have learned from your own

childhood, because those are your nadas weak areas and should be monitored with

the most scrutiny.

Carla

> >

> > My Mother's visit went very well. She was here really on three and a half

days (which seemed just right - irritability started to show last night - had

her own space, we cooked only once and had daily breaks built in due to my

child's need for a nap. There were some WTH moments - rewritten history,

attempts to start little arguments yesterday and she had a hard time with some

of her OCD tendencies in our very anti-OCD home, but all in all an uneventful

visit.

> >

> > One funny-ish story: last night of the trip and we had driven about forty