Mischief managed -

[Guest guest]

My Mother's visit went very well. She was here really on three and a half days

(which seemed just right - irritability started to show last night - had her own

space, we cooked only once and had daily breaks built in due to my child's need

for a nap. There were some WTH moments - rewritten history, attempts to start

little arguments yesterday and she had a hard time with some of her OCD

tendencies in our very anti-OCD home, but all in all an uneventful visit.

One funny-ish story: last night of the trip and we had driven about forty

minutes to go to a special restaurant. As we were leaving, I said, " Mom, I know

you're a grown woman, but you might want to use the restroom before we leave.

You may not have noticed (since you and the baby were playing on the way up) but

there isn't really anywhere to stop on the way back. " (Can I tell you how many

times we have traveled somewhere miserably bc she refuses to either let us stop

so she can use the restroom or bc she has a restroom emergency, always in BFE,

or bc of some combo of the first two PLUS a blow by blow account of what it is

she needs to do in said restroom? Just...ew.) So she says, " No, I'm fine. " Very

neutrally, I said, " Okay, well I am going to go. " She says, TESTILY, " Well, ok!

If it will make YOU feel better, I'll go. " I replied, neutrally, " Mom, I have

absolutely no feelings about whether or not you use the restroom. The only

feeling I have is...the feeling that <I> need to use the restroom. " And I did

and it was AWESOME!!!

Anyway, so last night I had this very vivid dream and LSS it was just about me

and this terrible sense of loss - loss of the way things should have been,

things I can never go back and get a do-over on, things that I will always

regret, ways I had to take charge and do my best to get at least some of my own

childhood needs met, and the realization that some of them will never, ever be

met and I have to live with that.

I had been thinking all afternoon/evenin how sad it was that I have to remain so

on guard, and yet so detached and that I have to carefully weigh every word,

steer every conversation into safe waters. And it is hard to watch her being so

wonderful with my son (and listen to her pontificate on childrearing and

criticize abusive parents...like she is not of that ilk) - I am glad she is warm

and loving with him but I can't help but think, where was THAT when I was

young?!? It's just so, so sad.