Guest guest Posted February 26, 2012 Report Share Posted February 26, 2012 Im not sure if this will work, because I'd sent a few updates with zero response. I'd even tried unsubing and re-subscribing. Here goes: I was lc with my parents. I think though it's turned to nc. You see, I didn't call nada at christmas. Since my step father sent that email regarding my email I wrote for Mum's birthday, I'd decided not to call or write unless they did. They never called for my dd's 8th birthday. My sister did though. Now my other dd is 5 today. Not call, not gifts, nothing from any of the family except my dad. I am sad, I am grieving. Why this way? Why? I know it's probably for the best. Deep down I know that. But I don't WANT that! I want a normal family that loves each other, that cares. And guess what? I'm having to learn what fucking love is, and how to build a NORMAL realationship with my children, because they fucking didn't! I HATE it!!!!!!!!! Steph Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 29, 2012 Report Share Posted February 29, 2012 Steph, I'm sorry this is so hard for you and that your attempts at maintaining low contact didn't work. It is hard to want a normal family and not have one. Unfortunately, nothing we do will make our parents normal. Grieving over the loss of that hope sounds reasonable to me. You can get through this though. Doing what it takes to have a normal loving relationship with your children is important. Knowing that you're protecting them from the craziness should bring a lot of satisfaction and is something to feel proud of. At 08:37 PM 02/26/2012 wrote: >Im not sure if this will work, because I'd sent a few updates >with zero response. I'd even tried unsubing and >re-subscribing. >Here goes: >I was lc with my parents. I think though it's turned to >nc. You >see, I didn't call nada at christmas. Since my step father >sent >that email regarding my email I wrote for Mum's birthday, I'd >decided not to call or write unless they did. >They never called for my dd's 8th birthday. >My sister did though. >Now my other dd is 5 today. Not call, not gifts, nothing from >any of the family except my dad. >I am sad, I am grieving. Why this way? Why? >I know it's probably for the best. Deep down I know that. But >I >don't WANT that! I want a normal family that loves each other, >that cares. >And guess what? I'm having to learn what fucking love is, and >how >to build a NORMAL realationship with my children, because they >fucking didn't! >I HATE it!!!!!!!!! >Steph -- Katrina Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 29, 2012 Report Share Posted February 29, 2012 Steph, I know how badly this hurts you Your children are innocent bystanders in the mess and they don't deserve it. My children NEVER got phone calls from my parents (NPD dad, BPD mom) on birthdays or holidays because they were trying to control me, according to my therapist. My parents, quite literally, NEVER called me. I was expected to call them and every call included a comment on how very long it'd been since we spoken. My once or twice a week calls weren't enough and they'd tell relatives I NEVER call them. Their lack of calls to my children is their way of retaliating against me. This is one of the things that helped me realize NC was necessary. I couldn't let them hurt my children anymore. I know how painful the grieving process is, but once I ACCEPTED that there is no way my parents are capable of having a loving relationship, we (my FOO) never were and never will be a healthy family, I was able to redirect the time and energy I'd been wasting on them to my own husband and children. I don't mean to imply that acceptance has been easy, but once I had that breakthrough, it was all much better for me. Good luck with your recovery process! > > Im not sure if this will work, because I'd sent a few updates > with zero response. I'd even tried unsubing and re-subscribing. > Here goes: > I was lc with my parents. I think though it's turned to nc. You > see, I didn't call nada at christmas. Since my step father sent > that email regarding my email I wrote for Mum's birthday, I'd > decided not to call or write unless they did. > They never called for my dd's 8th birthday. > My sister did though. > Now my other dd is 5 today. Not call, not gifts, nothing from > any of the family except my dad. > I am sad, I am grieving. Why this way? Why? > I know it's probably for the best. Deep down I know that. But I > don't WANT that! I want a normal family that loves each other, > that cares. > And guess what? I'm having to learn what fucking love is, and how > to build a NORMAL realationship with my children, because they > fucking didn't! > I HATE it!!!!!!!!! > Steph > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 29, 2012 Report Share Posted February 29, 2012 ((((())))) I can " hear " the deep pain and frustration in your post; I'm so sorry you are having to experience this wounding and pain. You have described the adult KO's dilemma in a nutshell. At the cellular level, every molecule in our bodies craves to have a normal, natural, loving relationship with our parents; its hardwired into us to want that, but due to fate we were born to individuals who are not capable of providing normal, natural, loving parenting. Its not you, its their brain/minds that are missing this deeply human element of empathy, selflessness and parenting instinct. We as the children and adult children of such individuals put up with chronic, unrelenting neglect or abuse or exploitation just to get a few scraps of love now and then, and it hurts, and its not fair. Our struggle is to accept that our parents were not/are not able to provide normal emotional nurturing, and go forward with our lives anyway. We hurt ourselves when we can't let go of expecting them to change; its the equivalent of continuing to stick your hand into a wild tiger's cage to pet it, and being shocked and hurt when, each time, it tries to bite your hand off. But that's what wild tigers do, they can't behave any other way. So, welcome back. Have you been able to do any reading about bpd, get more knowledgeable about the condition? For me, reading about bpd helped take some of the " sting " out; it helped me realize that my mother's skewed, paranoid perceptions and her negative feelings and hair-trigger temper and constant demands for perfection and her chronic frustration and disappointment weren't my fault. Realizing that I hadn't caused her to treat me the way she did, that it wasn't my fault, and that she was too severely impacted by bpd to ever change, helped me to gain the courage to eventually go No Contact with her. Each of us must find our own path, whether its Limited Contact with Boundaries, or No Contact, or whatever. Its about what works for you, as an individual. But truly this is a place to vent, to share your pain. We fellow KOs get it. -Annie > > Im not sure if this will work, because I'd sent a few updates > with zero response. I'd even tried unsubing and re-subscribing. > Here goes: > I was lc with my parents. I think though it's turned to nc. You > see, I didn't call nada at christmas. Since my step father sent > that email regarding my email I wrote for Mum's birthday, I'd > decided not to call or write unless they did. > They never called for my dd's 8th birthday. > My sister did though. > Now my other dd is 5 today. Not call, not gifts, nothing from > any of the family except my dad. > I am sad, I am grieving. Why this way? Why? > I know it's probably for the best. Deep down I know that. But I > don't WANT that! I want a normal family that loves each other, > that cares. > And guess what? I'm having to learn what fucking love is, and how > to build a NORMAL realationship with my children, because they > fucking didn't! > I HATE it!!!!!!!!! > Steph > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 29, 2012 Report Share Posted February 29, 2012 I am so sorry ~~what you are going through to me seems harder than originally finding out about the BPD. The pain you are going through is the pain of having your hopes and dreams shattered. I wish I could say it will be a finite amount of pain and frustration, but even almost two years later I am still struggling between anger, sadness and acceptance. <<hugs>> > > Im not sure if this will work, because I'd sent a few updates > with zero response. I'd even tried unsubing and re-subscribing. > Here goes: > I was lc with my parents. I think though it's turned to nc. You > see, I didn't call nada at christmas. Since my step father sent > that email regarding my email I wrote for Mum's birthday, I'd > decided not to call or write unless they did. > They never called for my dd's 8th birthday. > My sister did though. > Now my other dd is 5 today. Not call, not gifts, nothing from > any of the family except my dad. > I am sad, I am grieving. Why this way? Why? > I know it's probably for the best. Deep down I know that. But I > don't WANT that! I want a normal family that loves each other, > that cares. > And guess what? I'm having to learn what fucking love is, and how > to build a NORMAL realationship with my children, because they > fucking didn't! > I HATE it!!!!!!!!! > Steph > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 29, 2012 Report Share Posted February 29, 2012 Hi , I hear you on all of this. First let me say that I am a Mum with 2 kids too. And it really is hard to figure this parenting business out when you never had parents of your own. I also know the feeling of reaching out for support and not getting it. It really hurts. To have that happen here would likely feel like a parallel to what your whole life has been like. Support is what this forum is supposed to be all about. I wonder if you would get more response in general if your post included a question? Just a thought. As for having to figure out what love is, I understand that too. I am actually reading a book about love right now for this very reason. I wonder if you would like it. It is by Bell Hooks and it is called " All About Love " . I am really enjoying it. It is quite accessable and down to earth. One of the things that she says is that love is a verb or an action and not a noun. In other words, love is given and received by the doing of things. I have found this to be a helpful way to look at it. I am finding that as I do things with love for and with my children, I am feeling better internally. I am associating less grief about my own ffoo (that is my own abbreviation for fucking family of origin), with my kids and I can feel them responding to it too. I still feel angry and sad sometimes about my family, but actively loving my kids with this intention, is causing a shift in a nice way. I hope this makes sense and helps a little bit. HC > > Im not sure if this will work, because I'd sent a few updates > with zero response. I'd even tried unsubing and re-subscribing. > Here goes: > I was lc with my parents. I think though it's turned to nc. You > see, I didn't call nada at christmas. Since my step father sent > that email regarding my email I wrote for Mum's birthday, I'd > decided not to call or write unless they did. > They never called for my dd's 8th birthday. > My sister did though. > Now my other dd is 5 today. Not call, not gifts, nothing from > any of the family except my dad. > I am sad, I am grieving. Why this way? Why? > I know it's probably for the best. Deep down I know that. But I > don't WANT that! I want a normal family that loves each other, > that cares. > And guess what? I'm having to learn what fucking love is, and how > to build a NORMAL realationship with my children, because they > fucking didn't! > I HATE it!!!!!!!!! > Steph > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 29, 2012 Report Share Posted February 29, 2012 Thanks for the reply. My main question was how to deal with my grief and anger, and how to tell the kids about my parents. I just needed to really vent the other day, hence there was no question. I know the nc that my parents has impossed is for the best... I think they got the hint at Christmas when I didn't contact them. Also, any other support groups I can join online would be nice to know. if need be, send that to my private email at mumwith2kids@... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 22, 2012 Report Share Posted March 22, 2012 Hugs, Eliza! I wish you the best of luck with your treatment. On Thu, Mar 22, 2012 at 5:36 PM, eliza92@... < eliza92@...> wrote: > ** > > > So it's definite now that I've got thyroid disesase and now I begin the > path of various treatments, specialists, etc. On the one hand I feel deeply > grateful that I was seeing a good doctor who would listen to me when this > happened. Many people suffer a long time without diagnosis because it looks > like so many other things. > > Yet...what does it come back to, my nada and FOO. The bigger problem for > me is whether to tell them, because it will be ongoing work to keep it a > secret if I don't. There will be many appointments, some drugs that will > affect me mentally, and possibly some visible physical changes. Not an easy > secret to keep. YET....it's in the area of them " being there " for me that > they've wounded me the most over my life. Either by not being there, making > it about them, or being there in a weird intrusive enmeshed kind of way. I > learned early in life the harder the problem I was dealing with the more > important it was that I not allow their influence. > > Again thanks all you guys for being here. > > Eliza > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 22, 2012 Report Share Posted March 22, 2012 Best of luck to you with starting your thyroid treatment, I understand that thyroid issues usually respond well to treatment. Thumbs up of encouragement from me. My suggestion is that if you do decide to tell your nada and other foo about this, just be aware and resigned ahead of time to the idea that its highly unlikely that any of them will " be there " for you in any way because they are operating at about the level of a three year old child emotionally. Three year old children are highly self-centered, but real three year olds grow out of that; those with bpd don't, or can't. You'll have to remind yourself that your " three year old " nada isn't capable of much empathy, sympathy or compassion, a three year old cant 't manage to complete tasks much more complicated that putting on their own socks, you can't ask a three year old for a favor (but you may be able to bribe them with ice cream) and you really can't expect a three year old to care very much about anything other than their own needs and feelings, plus they have a very, very short attention span. In fact, a three year old will be more likely to resent you having any issue that takes your time and attention away from *them*, and launch themselves into pouting or tantrum-pitching behavior (or other things like ignoring you, minimizing your pain, lading you with shame and blame, demanding that you cater to their needs now, or having hysterics, etc.) just when you need them the most. I hope that you have good friends and neighbors who are able and willing to help you out now and then during your treatment, or if you're married perhaps your husband's family can be supportive, since your nada and foo have a history of acting like spoiled toddlers. -Annie > > So it's definite now that I've got thyroid disesase and now I begin the path of various treatments, specialists, etc. On the one hand I feel deeply grateful that I was seeing a good doctor who would listen to me when this happened. Many people suffer a long time without diagnosis because it looks like so many other things. > > Yet...what does it come back to, my nada and FOO. The bigger problem for me is whether to tell them, because it will be ongoing work to keep it a secret if I don't. There will be many appointments, some drugs that will affect me mentally, and possibly some visible physical changes. Not an easy secret to keep. YET....it's in the area of them " being there " for me that they've wounded me the most over my life. Either by not being there, making it about them, or being there in a weird intrusive enmeshed kind of way. I learned early in life the harder the problem I was dealing with the more important it was that I not allow their influence. > > Again thanks all you guys for being here. > > Eliza > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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