Need Words of Encouragement - Future MIL with BPD

[Guest guest]

My future MIL has all the signs of BPD. I've read the " Stop Walking on

Eggshells " book and felt empowered, if only temporarily.

My fiance admits to his moms challenges but as soon as she has a few good days

he says " just move forward " and " stop dwelling on the past " .

The problem is the closer we get to the wedding the worse she gets.

She says I'm not wearing a vail, just to hurt her feelings. I'm having a

pampered chef party with my girlfriends, she is hurt that she isn't included.

The problem is I can't include her because she causes drama.

Our largest argument to date took place the day my Aunt died. She met my aunt

twice. She said " We are coming to the Funeral and bringing a dish to pass, what

time? " Having watched my aunts body being carried out of my grandmothers house

hours before I couldn't handle her. I said " Thanks so much for your offer, but

we are having a catered lunch. If you would like to help please donate to a

charity in her name. I really just need this time with my family. " And I did.

My Aunt and I were very close.

She said that I hurt her so bad she will never get over it. She said " how would

you like it if I had a Christmas Party and didn't invite you? " . It wasn't a

Christmas Party, it was my Aunt's funeral, 2 days before Christmas.

The day after the Funeral, she refused to come to Christmas Eve Dinner because I

had " hurt her so bad " . My fiance and she fought for 3 hours and she came

anyway. I got myself drunk so I could deal with her. (That was a first, but it

was effective.)

I just quit talking to her. Since then she has told his dad (they are still

married) not to come down to help on a household project, that we had called and

said we didn't need him. We never said that. She did it because we didn't

invite her.

The problem is we cannot invite her because it's always drama. She is always

slighted in some sort of way. It got so bad I applied to the show Monster In

Laws, and got a returned call the following day. He refused to participate.

Now here I am 4 months from my wedding and I'm terrified. What will happen when

we have children? I can already see her flipping out because I won't allow her

in the delivery room. They say you marry the family, how do I proceed, when its

this bad already?

I feel like I need xanex or an antidepressant to deal with her.

[Guest guest]

Bridget,

If it is this bad now, it isn't going to get any better after

the wedding unless something happens to change what is going on.

In fact, it may get worse. Women with BPD commonly resent it

when their children get married and escalate their behavior. I

think you and your fiance need to have a long, serious talk

about this. If a few good days are enough to make him act like

there isn't a problem, it sounds like he wants to stick his head

in the sand and not deal with the problem. If he refuses to deal

with her, can you deal with having these things happen over and

over again for however many years she lives? You can't handle

this alone. He has to participate in any solution or you're

going to end up being in the positon of coming between your

husband and his mother. That never turns out well. I wonder

whether getting some professional counseling from someone who

understands BPD before you get married might not help the two of

you to figure out how to deal with her. The two of you will have

to set some boundaries together and stick to them. It won't be

easy but if the two of you work together it is possible.

At 10:30 AM 02/28/2012 Bridget wrote:

>My future MIL has all the signs of BPD. I've read the " Stop

>Walking on Eggshells " book and felt empowered, if only

>temporarily.

>

>My fiance admits to his moms challenges but as soon as she has

>a few good days he says " just move forward " and " stop dwelling

>on the past " .

>

>The problem is the closer we get to the wedding the worse she

>gets.

>

>She says I'm not wearing a vail, just to hurt her

>feelings. I'm having a pampered chef party with my

>girlfriends, she is hurt that she isn't included. The problem

>is I can't include her because she causes drama.

>

>Our largest argument to date took place the day my Aunt

>died. She met my aunt twice. She said " We are coming to the

>Funeral and bringing a dish to pass, what time? " Having

>watched my aunts body being carried out of my grandmothers

>house hours before I couldn't handle her. I said " Thanks so

>much for your offer, but we are having a catered lunch. If you

>would like to help please donate to a charity in her name. I

>really just need this time with my family. " And I did. My

>Aunt and I were very close.

>

>She said that I hurt her so bad she will never get over

>it. She said " how would you like it if I had a Christmas Party

>and didn't invite you? " . It wasn't a Christmas Party, it was

>my Aunt's funeral, 2 days before Christmas.

>

>The day after the Funeral, she refused to come to Christmas Eve

>Dinner because I had " hurt her so bad " . My fiance and she

>fought for 3 hours and she came anyway. I got myself drunk so

>I could deal with her. (That was a first, but it was

>effective.)

>

>I just quit talking to her. Since then she has told his dad

>(they are still married) not to come down to help on a

>household project, that we had called and said we didn't need

>him. We never said that. She did it because we didn't invite

>her.

>

>The problem is we cannot invite her because it's always

>drama. She is always slighted in some sort of way. It got so

>bad I applied to the show Monster In Laws, and got a returned

>call the following day. He refused to participate.

>

>Now here I am 4 months from my wedding and I'm terrified. What

>will happen when we have children? I can already see her

>flipping out because I won't allow her in the delivery

>room. They say you marry the family, how do I proceed, when

>its this bad already?

>

>I feel like I need xanex or an antidepressant to deal with her.

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

As one with a bpd mother I can tell you unless you set boundaries it will get

worse, not better. My nada came in 3 weeks before the wedding and emptied the

house of every item she'd ever given me because she didn't approve of who I was

marrying. She eventually came around but then started again and it eventually

led to a divorce. And she will try to manipulate any children, and it scares

them. I now don't allow her any contact with my son unless she's being good,

and that's it. She will always be his mother, and therefore a part of your

life. Work it out now with a therapist please.

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Wednesday, February 29, 2012 10:42 AM

Subject: Re: Need Words of Encouragement - Future MIL with

BPD

Â

Bridget,

If it is this bad now, it isn't going to get any better after

the wedding unless something happens to change what is going on.

In fact, it may get worse. Women with BPD commonly resent it

when their children get married and escalate their behavior. I

think you and your fiance need to have a long, serious talk

about this. If a few good days are enough to make him act like

there isn't a problem, it sounds like he wants to stick his head

in the sand and not deal with the problem. If he refuses to deal

with her, can you deal with having these things happen over and

over again for however many years she lives? You can't handle

this alone. He has to participate in any solution or you're

going to end up being in the positon of coming between your

husband and his mother. That never turns out well. I wonder

whether getting some professional counseling from someone who

understands BPD before you get married might not help the two of

you to figure out how to deal with her. The two of you will have

to set some boundaries together and stick to them. It won't be

easy but if the two of you work together it is possible.

At 10:30 AM 02/28/2012 Bridget wrote:

>My future MIL has all the signs of BPD. I've read the " Stop

>Walking on Eggshells " book and felt empowered, if only

>temporarily.

>

>My fiance admits to his moms challenges but as soon as she has

>a few good days he says " just move forward " and " stop dwelling

>on the past " .

>

>The problem is the closer we get to the wedding the worse she

>gets.

>

>She says I'm not wearing a vail, just to hurt her

>feelings. I'm having a pampered chef party with my

>girlfriends, she is hurt that she isn't included. The problem

>is I can't include her because she causes drama.

>

>Our largest argument to date took place the day my Aunt

>died. She met my aunt twice. She said " We are coming to the

>Funeral and bringing a dish to pass, what time? " Having

>watched my aunts body being carried out of my grandmothers

>house hours before I couldn't handle her. I said " Thanks so

>much for your offer, but we are having a catered lunch. If you

>would like to help please donate to a charity in her name. I

>really just need this time with my family. " And I did. My

>Aunt and I were very close.

>

>She said that I hurt her so bad she will never get over

>it. She said " how would you like it if I had a Christmas Party

>and didn't invite you? " . It wasn't a Christmas Party, it was

>my Aunt's funeral, 2 days before Christmas.

>

>The day after the Funeral, she refused to come to Christmas Eve

>Dinner because I had " hurt her so bad " . My fiance and she

>fought for 3 hours and she came anyway. I got myself drunk so

>I could deal with her. (That was a first, but it was

>effective.)

>

>I just quit talking to her. Since then she has told his dad

>(they are still married) not to come down to help on a

>household project, that we had called and said we didn't need

>him. We never said that. She did it because we didn't invite

>her.

>

>The problem is we cannot invite her because it's always

>drama. She is always slighted in some sort of way. It got so

>bad I applied to the show Monster In Laws, and got a returned

>call the following day. He refused to participate.

>

>Now here I am 4 months from my wedding and I'm terrified. What

>will happen when we have children? I can already see her

>flipping out because I won't allow her in the delivery

>room. They say you marry the family, how do I proceed, when

>its this bad already?

>

>I feel like I need xanex or an antidepressant to deal with her.

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

Hi Bridget,

I'm so sorry you are experiencing this. Truly an untenable situation, in my

opinion.

I hope that you will consider the idea that you and your fiancé could benefit

from seeing a couple's therapist before the wedding. From my point of view, the

real issue isn't that your fiancé's mother has bpd, its that he is not willing

to take the adult role and set very firm, very hard boundaries with his mother,

and is instead letting her negative, disordered behaviors impact you and your

relationship with him.

I think you are right to be worried that how things are now is going to continue

after you are married, unless you and your fiancé team up together and agree on

your " policy " for managing his mother. If you aren't totally teamed up on this

issue, don't have each other's backs on this, things will not change and you

will experience the drama and turmoil and emotional abuse and anxiety and stress

you are experiencing now with your future MIL, and it will probably even get

worse once you have children.

You do have a choice. You can make make attending couples therapy and resolving

the " this is how we are going to handle MIL " issue a deal-breaker issue; you can

choose to postpone the wedding, or even walk away from the relationship if your

fiancé is unwilling or unable to stand up to his mommy and set some real rules

with her.

If your fiancé is going to throw you under the bus or make you the villain each

time there is a disagreement with bpd MIL, then, that is something to seriously

take into account before you commit to a marriage, in my opinion.

My two cent's worth, which may or may not resonate with you. But I hope that

whatever you choose will work out well for you.

-Annie

>

> My future MIL has all the signs of BPD. I've read the " Stop Walking on

Eggshells " book and felt empowered, if only temporarily.

>

> My fiance admits to his moms challenges but as soon as she has a few good days

he says " just move forward " and " stop dwelling on the past " .

>

> The problem is the closer we get to the wedding the worse she gets.

>

> She says I'm not wearing a vail, just to hurt her feelings. I'm having a

pampered chef party with my girlfriends, she is hurt that she isn't included.

The problem is I can't include her because she causes drama.

>

> Our largest argument to date took place the day my Aunt died. She met my aunt

twice. She said " We are coming to the Funeral and bringing a dish to pass, what

time? " Having watched my aunts body being carried out of my grandmothers house

hours before I couldn't handle her. I said " Thanks so much for your offer, but

we are having a catered lunch. If you would like to help please donate to a

charity in her name. I really just need this time with my family. " And I did.

My Aunt and I were very close.

>

> She said that I hurt her so bad she will never get over it. She said " how

would you like it if I had a Christmas Party and didn't invite you? " . It wasn't

a Christmas Party, it was my Aunt's funeral, 2 days before Christmas.

>

> The day after the Funeral, she refused to come to Christmas Eve Dinner because

I had " hurt her so bad " . My fiance and she fought for 3 hours and she came

anyway. I got myself drunk so I could deal with her. (That was a first, but it

was effective.)

>

> I just quit talking to her. Since then she has told his dad (they are still

married) not to come down to help on a household project, that we had called and

said we didn't need him. We never said that. She did it because we didn't

invite her.

>

> The problem is we cannot invite her because it's always drama. She is always

slighted in some sort of way. It got so bad I applied to the show Monster In

Laws, and got a returned call the following day. He refused to participate.

>

> Now here I am 4 months from my wedding and I'm terrified. What will happen

when we have children? I can already see her flipping out because I won't allow

her in the delivery room. They say you marry the family, how do I proceed, when

its this bad already?

>

> I feel like I need xanex or an antidepressant to deal with her.

>

[Guest guest]

I should mention we just wrapped up couples counseling. It's not that he isn't

willing to set boundaries, its just that he isn't always as firm as I think he

should be.

When we first started living together she used to call and tell him he needed to

come over and take out the garbage... and he did. We have come a long way. He

says no. He doesn't allow her to call after 10pm. He is learning to not feel

guilty for ignoring her phone calls (when she is raging she will call upwards of

10x a day).

On the other hand, he says things like " but she is my mother " and " she needs to

be involved in the wedding process, I deserve to have her involved " . Some days

he's completely behind me. Other days he says I exaggerate. I made the mistake

of saying he needed to grieve the loss of his mother in that way (something I

read) and he got very angry and said " she is still my mother and always will

be! "

Here's another example. After the fiasco with my Aunt he didn't see his mother

for over 2 months (though she called nearly every day). Then, all of the

sudden, she insists on getting dinner on February 14. Valentines day. As it

turns out I had to work (which she didn't know). So she drove down to where we

live now (1 hour away) and took her son to dinner. From my point of view, she

was doing it because it was Valentines day. He thinks its a coincidence. She

hasn't called on a Tuesday since. She is always trying to ruin us, I just can't

overlook this. My friends agree that this was intentional.

We did agree to a list of guidelines provided by our counselor:

1. Do not play their game-People with BPD will draw you into their stories, lies

and drama by attempting to befriend you, set you against another person and

create tension where their isn't any. Do not fall into this trap. They will

build up your tension only to drag you down when it suits their needs.

2. Observe for Dangerous Behaviors - BPD sufferers will often attempt to hurt

themselves or others. They consistently show a lack of empathy for others and a

lack of concern for their own personal safety.

3. Avoid Arguments and Finger Pointing - Attempting to yell, scream and argue

with a person with this illness is pointless. Gently attempt to point out

inappropriate behaviors and activities and explain what will happen if the

behaviors continue

4. Attempt to be patient-Above all this is a mental illness and should be

treated as a disease. Being understanding and aware of how their minds work will

help them live a normal life.

5. Watch for drug or alcohol abuse - People with BPD tend to indulge in reckless

behaviors without regard for the risk to themselves and others.

6. Ask for change - Know your limits and relate them to the person. Ask for

change of a behavior not change of feelings. (e.g. asking them to change their

screaming, not their anger)

7. Have your limits- Show by your actions that you have the bottom line. Make

sure through communication that the person knows your limits clearly and act on

them consistently.

8. Protect yourself and others first- Remove yourself and others from any

potentially dangerous situation. If your loved one becomes enraged and becomes

accusatory let them know that you will exit the situation until they have calmed

down.

9. Observe dietary habits - BPD sufferers tend to overindulge in unhealthy

behaviors including dietary compliance.

10. Keep perspective - Sometimes so much time is spent walking on eggshells

around the person with the illness that those surrounding them fail to take care

of themselves.

While you love this person, understand that you cannot change what they will or

cannot acknowledge. Do not take their behaviors and absorb them into your life.

Their illness is not your illness and consistently playing into their fantasy

can only lead to heartbreak. Take time away from the person if needed, always

protect yourself and your children first. Get help, via a support group,

therapist or government agency. You do not have to do this alone.

>

> My future MIL has all the signs of BPD. I've read the " Stop Walking on

Eggshells " book and felt empowered, if only temporarily.

>

> My fiance admits to his moms challenges but as soon as she has a few good days

he says " just move forward " and " stop dwelling on the past " .

>

> The problem is the closer we get to the wedding the worse she gets.

>

> She says I'm not wearing a vail, just to hurt her feelings. I'm having a

pampered chef party with my girlfriends, she is hurt that she isn't included.

The problem is I can't include her because she causes drama.

>

> Our largest argument to date took place the day my Aunt died. She met my aunt

twice. She said " We are coming to the Funeral and bringing a dish to pass, what

time? " Having watched my aunts body being carried out of my grandmothers house

hours before I couldn't handle her. I said " Thanks so much for your offer, but

we are having a catered lunch. If you would like to help please donate to a

charity in her name. I really just need this time with my family. " And I did.

My Aunt and I were very close.

>

> She said that I hurt her so bad she will never get over it. She said " how

would you like it if I had a Christmas Party and didn't invite you? " . It wasn't

a Christmas Party, it was my Aunt's funeral, 2 days before Christmas.

>

> The day after the Funeral, she refused to come to Christmas Eve Dinner because

I had " hurt her so bad " . My fiance and she fought for 3 hours and she came

anyway. I got myself drunk so I could deal with her. (That was a first, but it

was effective.)

>

> I just quit talking to her. Since then she has told his dad (they are still

married) not to come down to help on a household project, that we had called and

said we didn't need him. We never said that. She did it because we didn't

invite her.

>

> The problem is we cannot invite her because it's always drama. She is always

slighted in some sort of way. It got so bad I applied to the show Monster In

Laws, and got a returned call the following day. He refused to participate.

>

> Now here I am 4 months from my wedding and I'm terrified. What will happen

when we have children? I can already see her flipping out because I won't allow

her in the delivery room. They say you marry the family, how do I proceed, when

its this bad already?

>

> I feel like I need xanex or an antidepressant to deal with her.

>

[Guest guest]

If even after couple's counseling (in which you both agreed to some pretty

effective sounding rules for dealing with MIL) you are still very unhappy with

the current lack of boundary-setting and boundary-enforcing your fiancé is

willing to engage in, if he vacillates back and forth or drops the ball

entirely, refusing to follow through on maintaining boundaries and enforcing

consequences with his mother NOW, before you are married, I just don't think its

going to get better.

This IS as good as it gets. Your fiancé is apparently not willing or able to

take a consistently firm, assertive stand with his mother. He's too filled with

guilt or something, and will very likely continue to blame you for not just

graciously accepting her intrusiveness and controlling, demanding behaviors and

will instead pressure you to just knuckle under and cater to her, also.

So the question then becomes, are YOU willing to live with this level of stress

and drama and intrusiveness from your MIL, til death do you part?

You have to decide what you can and can't tolerate. Unless there is an

immediate and HUGE change in your fiancé's mind-set, things will stay the way

they are now.

For ME, personally, that would be a deal-breaker. I would kiss my fiancé on the

forehead, give him his ring back, and say that I wished him a long and happy

marriage with his mother.

But that's me. You have to decide what will work best for you.

Best of luck to you.

-Annie

> >

> > My future MIL has all the signs of BPD. I've read the " Stop Walking on

Eggshells " book and felt empowered, if only temporarily.

> >

> > My fiance admits to his moms challenges but as soon as she has a few good

days he says " just move forward " and " stop dwelling on the past " .

> >

> > The problem is the closer we get to the wedding the worse she gets.

> >

> > She says I'm not wearing a vail, just to hurt her feelings. I'm having a

pampered chef party with my girlfriends, she is hurt that she isn't included.

The problem is I can't include her because she causes drama.

> >

> > Our largest argument to date took place the day my Aunt died. She met my

aunt twice. She said " We are coming to the Funeral and bringing a dish to pass,

what time? " Having watched my aunts body being carried out of my grandmothers

house hours before I couldn't handle her. I said " Thanks so much for your

offer, but we are having a catered lunch. If you would like to help please

donate to a charity in her name. I really just need this time with my family. "

And I did. My Aunt and I were very close.

> >

> > She said that I hurt her so bad she will never get over it. She said " how

would you like it if I had a Christmas Party and didn't invite you? " . It wasn't

a Christmas Party, it was my Aunt's funeral, 2 days before Christmas.

> >

> > The day after the Funeral, she refused to come to Christmas Eve Dinner

because I had " hurt her so bad " . My fiance and she fought for 3 hours and she

came anyway. I got myself drunk so I could deal with her. (That was a first,

but it was effective.)

> >

> > I just quit talking to her. Since then she has told his dad (they are still

married) not to come down to help on a household project, that we had called and

said we didn't need him. We never said that. She did it because we didn't

invite her.

> >

> > The problem is we cannot invite her because it's always drama. She is

always slighted in some sort of way. It got so bad I applied to the show

Monster In Laws, and got a returned call the following day. He refused to

participate.

> >

> > Now here I am 4 months from my wedding and I'm terrified. What will happen

when we have children? I can already see her flipping out because I won't allow

her in the delivery room. They say you marry the family, how do I proceed, when

its this bad already?

> >

> > I feel like I need xanex or an antidepressant to deal with her.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

You poor baby! Try a pre-marital contract or something, I.D. some of her

behaviors and ask your husband to be to sign off on it or something. It is only

going to get worse, and it is really going to be hard for him to always choose

between the two of you. Can you move cross country? I'm not kidding! LC is the

way to go.

Good luck!

Kay

>

> My future MIL has all the signs of BPD. I've read the " Stop Walking on

Eggshells " book and felt empowered, if only temporarily.

>

> My fiance admits to his moms challenges but as soon as she has a few good days

he says " just move forward " and " stop dwelling on the past " .

>

> The problem is the closer we get to the wedding the worse she gets.

>

> She says I'm not wearing a vail, just to hurt her feelings. I'm having a

pampered chef party with my girlfriends, she is hurt that she isn't included.

The problem is I can't include her because she causes drama.

>

> Our largest argument to date took place the day my Aunt died. She met my aunt

twice. She said " We are coming to the Funeral and bringing a dish to pass, what

time? " Having watched my aunts body being carried out of my grandmothers house

hours before I couldn't handle her. I said " Thanks so much for your offer, but

we are having a catered lunch. If you would like to help please donate to a

charity in her name. I really just need this time with my family. " And I did.

My Aunt and I were very close.

>

> She said that I hurt her so bad she will never get over it. She said " how

would you like it if I had a Christmas Party and didn't invite you? " . It wasn't

a Christmas Party, it was my Aunt's funeral, 2 days before Christmas.

>

> The day after the Funeral, she refused to come to Christmas Eve Dinner because

I had " hurt her so bad " . My fiance and she fought for 3 hours and she came

anyway. I got myself drunk so I could deal with her. (That was a first, but it

was effective.)

>

> I just quit talking to her. Since then she has told his dad (they are still

married) not to come down to help on a household project, that we had called and

said we didn't need him. We never said that. She did it because we didn't

invite her.

>

> The problem is we cannot invite her because it's always drama. She is always

slighted in some sort of way. It got so bad I applied to the show Monster In

Laws, and got a returned call the following day. He refused to participate.

>

> Now here I am 4 months from my wedding and I'm terrified. What will happen

when we have children? I can already see her flipping out because I won't allow

her in the delivery room. They say you marry the family, how do I proceed, when

its this bad already?

>

> I feel like I need xanex or an antidepressant to deal with her.

>

[Guest guest]

He has to put his wife first and be comfortable with that and to not think

he can balance you both. Then it's a tug of war over him which could be

sickly gratifying. My father LOVED that sort of scenario. He'd have a witch

and a victim (me) and try to beseech us to get along. hahahahaha. Good luck!

> **

>

>

> You poor baby! Try a pre-marital contract or something, I.D. some of her

> behaviors and ask your husband to be to sign off on it or something. It is

> only going to get worse, and it is really going to be hard for him to

> always choose between the two of you. Can you move cross country? I'm not

> kidding! LC is the way to go.

> Good luck!

> Kay

>

>

> >

> > My future MIL has all the signs of BPD. I've read the " Stop Walking on

> Eggshells " book and felt empowered, if only temporarily.

> >

> > My fiance admits to his moms challenges but as soon as she has a few

> good days he says " just move forward " and " stop dwelling on the past " .

> >

> > The problem is the closer we get to the wedding the worse she gets.

> >

> > She says I'm not wearing a vail, just to hurt her feelings. I'm having a

> pampered chef party with my girlfriends, she is hurt that she isn't

> included. The problem is I can't include her because she causes drama.

> >

> > Our largest argument to date took place the day my Aunt died. She met my

> aunt twice. She said " We are coming to the Funeral and bringing a dish to

> pass, what time? " Having watched my aunts body being carried out of my

> grandmothers house hours before I couldn't handle her. I said " Thanks so

> much for your offer, but we are having a catered lunch. If you would like

> to help please donate to a charity in her name. I really just need this

> time with my family. " And I did. My Aunt and I were very close.

> >

> > She said that I hurt her so bad she will never get over it. She said

> " how would you like it if I had a Christmas Party and didn't invite you? " .

> It wasn't a Christmas Party, it was my Aunt's funeral, 2 days before

> Christmas.

> >

> > The day after the Funeral, she refused to come to Christmas Eve Dinner

> because I had " hurt her so bad " . My fiance and she fought for 3 hours and

> she came anyway. I got myself drunk so I could deal with her. (That was a

> first, but it was effective.)

> >

> > I just quit talking to her. Since then she has told his dad (they are

> still married) not to come down to help on a household project, that we had

> called and said we didn't need him. We never said that. She did it because

> we didn't invite her.

> >

> > The problem is we cannot invite her because it's always drama. She is

> always slighted in some sort of way. It got so bad I applied to the show

> Monster In Laws, and got a returned call the following day. He refused to

> participate.

> >

> > Now here I am 4 months from my wedding and I'm terrified. What will

> happen when we have children? I can already see her flipping out because I

> won't allow her in the delivery room. They say you marry the family, how do

> I proceed, when its this bad already?

> >

> > I feel like I need xanex or an antidepressant to deal with her.

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hello,

I thought I'd share a little bit also. I'm 36yo, been married 12

years and in relationship with him now for 20 years. My mother is BP.

She was always difficult about me having another important

relationship in my life (besides her) as I am an only child and 'the

golden one.' It sounds as your fiancé's mother is difficult like this

as well. Remember that BP's view point is extremely egocentric. My mom

was very difficult in the wedding planning, trying to make it a

reflection of herself and all about how wonderful she was to provide

this beautiful wedding (cost of which was equally split by his

parents, nada, us.) Throughout the marriage I have always held strong

boundaries and keep very open and honest communication with my spouse.

My mother continually tests the boundaries and doesn't change her

behaviors to what a normal person would even after she agrees to

change. Ex: letting herself in OUR house while he and I were in the

shower *cough* but not leaving when we all realized it, and continues

to just enter if the front door isn't locked. People with BP don't

respect others' boundaries and will continue to walk all over them and

the boundaries.

I went LC for years with her and it was ok. Every 6 mo or so she

would test the boundaries again with some sort of antics. Many of them

were designed to try to split us us, enmesh me, suck me into spending

all my energy and time with her not my spouse, and try to guilt trip

me into making her the primary relationship of my life. Very Very

early on I refused to allow her to speak negatively of him and she 20

yrs later _still_ tries. " Splitting " : I'm all white/good, he's all

black/bad. BPs are very manipulative and premeditated in their

attacks. It continues to hurt.

I am very very different from most of the other KOs on this forum. I

have no problems letting all the guilt just roll off me, I call her on

all her shit, I refuse to participate in her psychodrama, and don't

care/stand up to family that drama/sympathize with her. I'm extremely

strong (heh but have some very strong fleas and years of therapy, too)

and my mother has BY FAR been the toughest issue my marriage has had

to deal with. Money issues, trust issues, loyalty issues, raising

kids...Hah! Those marital issues are all cake compared to having to be

a united front against my mother's BP behavior.

Now enter grandchildren. ABSOLUTE NIGHTMARE. I have had to go no

contact...to the point that she ambushes us holding giant teddy bears

when we're playing outside and my husband isn't home. I have had to

herd three screaming toddlers into the house and lock the door as she

blames me for punishing my little children. Then she still tries to

get in the house, front door locked and even tries through the garage

door all while yelling outside about why am _I_ doing all this. Sorry

neighbors for the circus show! She has started a campaign that _I_ am

abusive and mentally ill. My therapist laughed and nodded, and then

worked me through the feelings of betrayal. This is all the script for

BP.

Has your future mother in law started the suicide guilt trips yet?

She will.

I know you didn't ask for my advice, but here it is. If I were you

I'd put the wedding on hold a year and seek intensive therapy. I

wouldn't marry him unless at the end of the year he was well educated

on BP, able to identify and detached from her antics, and held

boundaries firmly (cement!), and you had a written plan in place (that

he never waivers on) which puts you two as a healthy supportive UNITED

front. I don't see that you two are there yet. Sounds like he has a

lot of what is normal?, obligation, and guilt issues to work through.

Anyhow, I think he's got a lot more growing to do that sticking is

head in the sand won't help with. I agree with Annie, I'd give him his

ring back and tell him three in a marriage is too many.

[Guest guest]

,

I'm a fan of yours based on what you wrote. Good job protecting your kids

and sounds like great advice.

> **

>

>

> Hello,

> I thought I'd share a little bit also. I'm 36yo, been married 12

> years and in relationship with him now for 20 years. My mother is BP.

> She was always difficult about me having another important

> relationship in my life (besides her) as I am an only child and 'the

> golden one.' It sounds as your fiancé's mother is difficult like this

> as well. Remember that BP's view point is extremely egocentric. My mom

> was very difficult in the wedding planning, trying to make it a

> reflection of herself and all about how wonderful she was to provide

> this beautiful wedding (cost of which was equally split by his

> parents, nada, us.) Throughout the marriage I have always held strong

> boundaries and keep very open and honest communication with my spouse.

> My mother continually tests the boundaries and doesn't change her

> behaviors to what a normal person would even after she agrees to

> change. Ex: letting herself in OUR house while he and I were in the

> shower *cough* but not leaving when we all realized it, and continues

> to just enter if the front door isn't locked. People with BP don't

> respect others' boundaries and will continue to walk all over them and

> the boundaries.

> I went LC for years with her and it was ok. Every 6 mo or so she

> would test the boundaries again with some sort of antics. Many of them

> were designed to try to split us us, enmesh me, suck me into spending

> all my energy and time with her not my spouse, and try to guilt trip

> me into making her the primary relationship of my life. Very Very

> early on I refused to allow her to speak negatively of him and she 20

> yrs later _still_ tries. " Splitting " : I'm all white/good, he's all

> black/bad. BPs are very manipulative and premeditated in their

> attacks. It continues to hurt.

> I am very very different from most of the other KOs on this forum. I

> have no problems letting all the guilt just roll off me, I call her on

> all her shit, I refuse to participate in her psychodrama, and don't

> care/stand up to family that drama/sympathize with her. I'm extremely

> strong (heh but have some very strong fleas and years of therapy, too)

> and my mother has BY FAR been the toughest issue my marriage has had

> to deal with. Money issues, trust issues, loyalty issues, raising

> kids...Hah! Those marital issues are all cake compared to having to be

> a united front against my mother's BP behavior.

> Now enter grandchildren. ABSOLUTE NIGHTMARE. I have had to go no

> contact...to the point that she ambushes us holding giant teddy bears

> when we're playing outside and my husband isn't home. I have had to

> herd three screaming toddlers into the house and lock the door as she

> blames me for punishing my little children. Then she still tries to

> get in the house, front door locked and even tries through the garage

> door all while yelling outside about why am _I_ doing all this. Sorry

> neighbors for the circus show! She has started a campaign that _I_ am

> abusive and mentally ill. My therapist laughed and nodded, and then

> worked me through the feelings of betrayal. This is all the script for

> BP.

> Has your future mother in law started the suicide guilt trips yet?

> She will.

> I know you didn't ask for my advice, but here it is. If I were you

> I'd put the wedding on hold a year and seek intensive therapy. I

> wouldn't marry him unless at the end of the year he was well educated

> on BP, able to identify and detached from her antics, and held

> boundaries firmly (cement!), and you had a written plan in place (that

> he never waivers on) which puts you two as a healthy supportive UNITED

> front. I don't see that you two are there yet. Sounds like he has a

> lot of what is normal?, obligation, and guilt issues to work through.

> Anyhow, I think he's got a lot more growing to do that sticking is

> head in the sand won't help with. I agree with Annie, I'd give him his

> ring back and tell him three in a marriage is too many.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

,

This was very helpful. I thinkt hat you are right and that we need to continue

with counseling. She did the same things to his sister-in-law and, as a result,

has very little relationship with them up until recently. Now that she is

putting all her negativeity on me, she is getting along better with my future

SIL.

I'm sad to hear that this doesn't get better, but it confirms my worries. I

truly appreciate all that you all have shared with me. It reminds me I'm not

being unreasonable.

Here is a follow up. His Brother, my future BIL, says that all communication

goes through him. He suggests that when I do interact with my MIL it goes

through . Whether it is a phonecall or a dinner, must either be

present or initiate. What are your thoughts on this? As of now she is

programmed to go straight to voicemail on my phone and I have limited my contact

to email. (She isn't computer savvy so all she can do is read, and when she

tries to tell everyone how horrible I am, its on paper so she cannot twist what

I said.) When I do talk to her it is on speakerphone with my fiance sitting

next to me.

>

> > **

> >

> >

> > Hello,

> > I thought I'd share a little bit also. I'm 36yo, been married 12

> > years and in relationship with him now for 20 years. My mother is BP.

> > She was always difficult about me having another important

> > relationship in my life (besides her) as I am an only child and 'the

> > golden one.' It sounds as your fiancé's mother is difficult like this

> > as well. Remember that BP's view point is extremely egocentric. My mom

> > was very difficult in the wedding planning, trying to make it a

> > reflection of herself and all about how wonderful she was to provide

> > this beautiful wedding (cost of which was equally split by his

> > parents, nada, us.) Throughout the marriage I have always held strong

> > boundaries and keep very open and honest communication with my spouse.

> > My mother continually tests the boundaries and doesn't change her

> > behaviors to what a normal person would even after she agrees to

> > change. Ex: letting herself in OUR house while he and I were in the

> > shower *cough* but not leaving when we all realized it, and continues

> > to just enter if the front door isn't locked. People with BP don't

> > respect others' boundaries and will continue to walk all over them and

> > the boundaries.

> > I went LC for years with her and it was ok. Every 6 mo or so she

> > would test the boundaries again with some sort of antics. Many of them

> > were designed to try to split us us, enmesh me, suck me into spending

> > all my energy and time with her not my spouse, and try to guilt trip

> > me into making her the primary relationship of my life. Very Very

> > early on I refused to allow her to speak negatively of him and she 20

> > yrs later _still_ tries. " Splitting " : I'm all white/good, he's all

> > black/bad. BPs are very manipulative and premeditated in their

> > attacks. It continues to hurt.

> > I am very very different from most of the other KOs on this forum. I

> > have no problems letting all the guilt just roll off me, I call her on

> > all her shit, I refuse to participate in her psychodrama, and don't

> > care/stand up to family that drama/sympathize with her. I'm extremely

> > strong (heh but have some very strong fleas and years of therapy, too)

> > and my mother has BY FAR been the toughest issue my marriage has had

> > to deal with. Money issues, trust issues, loyalty issues, raising

> > kids...Hah! Those marital issues are all cake compared to having to be

> > a united front against my mother's BP behavior.

> > Now enter grandchildren. ABSOLUTE NIGHTMARE. I have had to go no

> > contact...to the point that she ambushes us holding giant teddy bears

> > when we're playing outside and my husband isn't home. I have had to

> > herd three screaming toddlers into the house and lock the door as she

> > blames me for punishing my little children. Then she still tries to

> > get in the house, front door locked and even tries through the garage

> > door all while yelling outside about why am _I_ doing all this. Sorry

> > neighbors for the circus show! She has started a campaign that _I_ am

> > abusive and mentally ill. My therapist laughed and nodded, and then

> > worked me through the feelings of betrayal. This is all the script for

> > BP.

> > Has your future mother in law started the suicide guilt trips yet?

> > She will.

> > I know you didn't ask for my advice, but here it is. If I were you

> > I'd put the wedding on hold a year and seek intensive therapy. I

> > wouldn't marry him unless at the end of the year he was well educated

> > on BP, able to identify and detached from her antics, and held

> > boundaries firmly (cement!), and you had a written plan in place (that

> > he never waivers on) which puts you two as a healthy supportive UNITED

> > front. I don't see that you two are there yet. Sounds like he has a

> > lot of what is normal?, obligation, and guilt issues to work through.

> > Anyhow, I think he's got a lot more growing to do that sticking is

> > head in the sand won't help with. I agree with Annie, I'd give him his

> > ring back and tell him three in a marriage is too many.

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Bridget,

I am new to the discovery of BPD and after 32 years with my mother, I can

strongly believe she has it. I am also the youngest of 4 kids, I have two older

brothers and one sister. My parents are still married, if that is what you want

to call it.

Your concerns are what I believe my SIL's would say about my mother. I would

say how your Fiance is behaving is how my brothers are behaving. Both of my

brother's have children and do interact with my mother. They do have a

relationship with her, but on their terms. Meaning, they go over and visit,

attend family gatherings and invite over for dinner. There is drama, there is

black/white relationships (most of the time the DIL is the black). I cannot

speak for my SIL but I would say they do a great job at just having an

" acquaintance " relationship. They get comments that sting and most often in

gatherings. No one says anything because it is always, " I can't believe she just

said that " . I am sure there are discussion between my brother's and their

wives. I cannot say how they feel, I imagine you do.

As of right now, the grandkids and my parents relationship is loving. I see the

grandids a providing the only source of happiness. However, my mother has

already started with my kids. (Won't go into details because her hate is

towards my father, not the kids). So I know it is my job to protect my kids and

create those boundries for them.

It has only been in the last three months I have I really started to study BPD.

I am trying to get my siblings to be on the same page and learn as a group to

interact safely and lovingly. My oldest brother wants no part of counceling and

other brother doesn't have the time to read it or not sure if he wants to see my

mom in that lense yet. I haven' even talked to my Dad about my opinion, although

he knows for the last two years I believe something was mentally wrong.

(Although I can't get over the fact how could he not after 40 years. Which I

believe is a denial for all the emotional abuse he has suffered from her). So

for as long as I have lived, we have just lived with it. Meaning, let her

behavior happen and then move on. I believe it has been all of our coping

mechanism to not take it personally and forget about it. However, I can only

imagine as a SIL how difficult it is to walk into a family dynamic. It has been

a learned skill from birth, not somthing that can be learned in a short couple

of years.

Enough about me. What I am trying to say is, talk to your FIL and any of your

Finance siblings. Try to understand how they have dealt with the BPD.

Understand, it will probably not change because this is how they have learned to

live with it. Each sibling will handle their relationship differently, which

will be frustrating at times. As my Father said to his daughters before we got

married, " Stress him out to the 10th degree. See how he handles it and then ask

yourself " can I live with this for the rest of my life? " You are going to have

to live, possibly everyday. When you have kids, you are going to have to deal

with this.

I really hope I am able to give you some sort of helpful perspective.

Essentially, like the other women who have commented, really think long and

hard.

Hope this was helpful.

> >

> > My future MIL has all the signs of BPD. I've read the " Stop Walking on

Eggshells " book and felt empowered, if only temporarily.

> >

> > My fiance admits to his moms challenges but as soon as she has a few good

days he says " just move forward " and " stop dwelling on the past " .

> >

> > The problem is the closer we get to the wedding the worse she gets.

> >

> > She says I'm not wearing a vail, just to hurt her feelings. I'm having a

pampered chef party with my girlfriends, she is hurt that she isn't included.

The problem is I can't include her because she causes drama.

> >

> > Our largest argument to date took place the day my Aunt died. She met my

aunt twice. She said " We are coming to the Funeral and bringing a dish to pass,

what time? " Having watched my aunts body being carried out of my grandmothers

house hours before I couldn't handle her. I said " Thanks so much for your

offer, but we are having a catered lunch. If you would like to help please

donate to a charity in her name. I really just need this time with my family. "

And I did. My Aunt and I were very close.

> >

> > She said that I hurt her so bad she will never get over it. She said " how

would you like it if I had a Christmas Party and didn't invite you? " . It wasn't

a Christmas Party, it was my Aunt's funeral, 2 days before Christmas.

> >

> > The day after the Funeral, she refused to come to Christmas Eve Dinner

because I had " hurt her so bad " . My fiance and she fought for 3 hours and she

came anyway. I got myself drunk so I could deal with her. (That was a first,

but it was effective.)

> >

> > I just quit talking to her. Since then she has told his dad (they are still

married) not to come down to help on a household project, that we had called and

said we didn't need him. We never said that. She did it because we didn't

invite her.

> >

> > The problem is we cannot invite her because it's always drama. She is

always slighted in some sort of way. It got so bad I applied to the show

Monster In Laws, and got a returned call the following day. He refused to

participate.

> >

> > Now here I am 4 months from my wedding and I'm terrified. What will happen

when we have children? I can already see her flipping out because I won't allow

her in the delivery room. They say you marry the family, how do I proceed, when

its this bad already?

> >

> > I feel like I need xanex or an antidepressant to deal with her.

> >

>