What was I thinking?

[Guest guest]

So, I just got a phone call from my nada. I stared at the phone at first,

contemplating on whether I should answer it. I gave in and I wish more than ever

that things were different. You see, my nada recently married some man that

she's only known for two months. I've never met the man. She invited me to her

wedding only two hours before it was supposed to take place. I had plans that I

couldn't get out of, so I didn't go. I felt awful about it, but part of me

didn't want to go anyway because I'm tired of her choosing men over me. Anyway,

she called just to tell me how awful I am, and that she can't believe how

selfish I am. I couldn't say anything to her. All I could do was cry. She had

absolutely NO emotion at all. She just sat there telling me how I ruined HER

life? Seriously? I have no idea how she could even say that. On my end, all I

could do was what I've always done...take it. I couldn't say anything back in

fear that she would get angry and then

threaten to hurt herself. As the conversation continued, she blurted out that

she wished I had never been born. It took me back to when I was eight years old

and she told me that I was the biggest mistake she had ever made. And now all I

can do is think of the things that I could have or should have done differently.

How could I have made the situation different? I know that she has BPD and it

plays a big part in the things she says, but how do I tell myself that it isn't

true when it's the only thing i've ever heard? How can I not believe the things

she says about me? I mean when you're little you figure out how you are by the

things your parents say about you. What do I do? I am so lost.

[Guest guest]

I am so sorry that you had to hear all that. I makes me want to beat her up. I

am really so sick of all the abuse we all collectively suffer from these freaks.

I wish as a group we could do an art project where we materialize each dig or

nasty comment into some physical form. I don't know what we could do...I can

think of so many things. We could make playdoh and mix all the colors together

until they turn brown, and form it into little turds and throw it in a big

circle, one for each insult. then at the end after we have a big pile we could

stomp them into smithereens. Or we could have a grape stomp, that would be more

genteel and dignified. We could spend all day throwing one grape in a piece for

every insult that was ever leveled at us and then as a group jump in there and

stomp them all into smithereens. Or write each one down, each horrible nasty

hateful thing, onto a piece of paper and read them one by one and toss them onto

a firepit, and then light a match and burn them and have a great party while

they burn to ashes. We could build a wall and carve them onto a brick each, and

dedicate it as a memorial to all the children of bpd parents who died either

from addiction or suicide after not gaining the coping skills to sustain

themselves in life (and I am sure the numbers of those are massive, in years of

recovery in twelve step I met very few people who didn't come from dysfunctional

families).

It would just be nice to have a symbol of something, something physical to let

us all know that we are not alone in dealing with this stuff. I am really sorry

that she inflicted so much pain on you, you don't deserve it, and it shouldn't

have happened. She's clearly beyond help. Hugs.

>

> So, I just got a phone call from my nada. I stared at the phone at first,

contemplating on whether I should answer it. I gave in and I wish more than ever

that things were different. You see, my nada recently married some man that

she's only known for two months. I've never met the man. She invited me to her

wedding only two hours before it was supposed to take place. I had plans that I

couldn't get out of, so I didn't go. I felt awful about it, but part of me

didn't want to go anyway because I'm tired of her choosing men over me. Anyway,

she called just to tell me how awful I am, and that she can't believe how

selfish I am. I couldn't say anything to her. All I could do was cry. She had

absolutely NO emotion at all. She just sat there telling me how I ruined HER

life? Seriously? I have no idea how she could even say that. On my end, all I

could do was what I've always done...take it. I couldn't say anything back in

fear that she would get angry and then

> threaten to hurt herself. As the conversation continued, she blurted out that

she wished I had never been born. It took me back to when I was eight years old

and she told me that I was the biggest mistake she had ever made. And now all I

can do is think of the things that I could have or should have done differently.

How could I have made the situation different? I know that she has BPD and it

plays a big part in the things she says, but how do I tell myself that it isn't

true when it's the only thing i've ever heard? How can I not believe the things

she says about me? I mean when you're little you figure out how you are by the

things your parents say about you. What do I do? I am so lost.

>

>

[Guest guest]

What do you do?

Nothing.

She made her choice, and it wasn't you. Now you make yours. Both of my parents

(father, NPD and mother BPD) chose other people over me too. I keep that close

to me when they want something from me. Why should I help them?

I know what she said hurt you, I've had such things said to me as well. But

there does come a time where you will say " ENOUGH! " and it won't hurt as bad.

I wish I could give you a magic formula as to when that will happen, I don't

even know when mine happened for sure. Part of it was when I had kids. I had

little people to protect and will not allow either of my parents to hurt them

like they hurt me. Unlike them, I PROTECT my children from abuse, neglect and

terror. Which means that I also make my own choice, and its NOT them.

I've since gotten even stronger. To the point where I recently told my father

that he was not welcome to stay here with his BPD wife when they come to visit

in September.

I've realized that just because someone is family, it does not give them

permission to treat me or MY family like garbage. If my father, the BPD

stepmonster, or my BPD mother were just strangers, I would never have anything

to do with them. Just because they donated some genetic material does not make

them parents, nor family.

The faster you realize this, the easier it becomes.

>

> So, I just got a phone call from my nada. I stared at the phone at first,

contemplating on whether I should answer it. I gave in and I wish more than ever

that things were different. You see, my nada recently married some man that

she's only known for two months. I've never met the man. She invited me to her

wedding only two hours before it was supposed to take place. I had plans that I

couldn't get out of, so I didn't go. I felt awful about it, but part of me

didn't want to go anyway because I'm tired of her choosing men over me. Anyway,

she called just to tell me how awful I am, and that she can't believe how

selfish I am. I couldn't say anything to her. All I could do was cry. She had

absolutely NO emotion at all. She just sat there telling me how I ruined HER

life? Seriously? I have no idea how she could even say that. On my end, all I

could do was what I've always done...take it. I couldn't say anything back in

fear that she would get angry and then

> threaten to hurt herself. As the conversation continued, she blurted out that

she wished I had never been born. It took me back to when I was eight years old

and she told me that I was the biggest mistake she had ever made. And now all I

can do is think of the things that I could have or should have done differently.

How could I have made the situation different? I know that she has BPD and it

plays a big part in the things she says, but how do I tell myself that it isn't

true when it's the only thing i've ever heard? How can I not believe the things

she says about me? I mean when you're little you figure out how you are by the

things your parents say about you. What do I do? I am so lost.

>

>

[Guest guest]

So sorry this happened. How very sad!

You do have lots of options, though, for protecting yourself in the future.

1. Don't answer the phone - or change your number and make it unlisted. You can

do the same with email, Facebook, etc.

2. If you choose to continue to answer the phone, then you have another option.

When your mother starts in, make up an excuse to get off the phone - someone at

the door, another call coming in, oven timer going off, cat yakking on the sofa

- you get the idea.

3. If you don't want to lie, attempt to change the subject. This works best for

me if I change it to something my mother is interested in - usually herself.

" How was work today? " " How's it going with the new boss? " " Did you decide on

your new paint color for the living room? "

4. Or you can say, " Mom, I am not going to listen to this. Change the subject or

I'm hanging up. " If she argues about it or keeps on, hang up.

5. Or, if you can't manage to say anything, just HANG UP.

You do have choices. You don't have to listen to her crap. She is sick, deranged

and the things she is telling you are EVIL. Even if my son was a murderer, I

would never tell him he was the worst mistake I ever made. Never. Those words

will never cross my lips. They are monstrous and anyone who can say them does

not deserve to have children. You need to surround yourself with people who love

and care about you and can help you focus on the good things about yourself.

This evil bitch who spawned you only gets to define who you are as long as you

let her. You can choose to stop letting her do that.

> >

> > So, I just got a phone call from my nada. I stared at the phone at first,

contemplating on whether I should answer it. I gave in and I wish more than ever

that things were different. You see, my nada recently married some man that

she's only known for two months. I've never met the man. She invited me to her

wedding only two hours before it was supposed to take place. I had plans that I

couldn't get out of, so I didn't go. I felt awful about it, but part of me

didn't want to go anyway because I'm tired of her choosing men over me. Anyway,

she called just to tell me how awful I am, and that she can't believe how

selfish I am. I couldn't say anything to her. All I could do was cry. She had

absolutely NO emotion at all. She just sat there telling me how I ruined HER

life? Seriously? I have no idea how she could even say that. On my end, all I

could do was what I've always done...take it. I couldn't say anything back in

fear that she would get angry and then

> > threaten to hurt herself. As the conversation continued, she blurted out

that she wished I had never been born. It took me back to when I was eight years

old and she told me that I was the biggest mistake she had ever made. And now

all I can do is think of the things that I could have or should have done

differently. How could I have made the situation different? I know that she has

BPD and it plays a big part in the things she says, but how do I tell myself

that it isn't true when it's the only thing i've ever heard? How can I not

believe the things she says about me? I mean when you're little you figure out

how you are by the things your parents say about you. What do I do? I am so

lost.

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

It's not your fault your mother is too impulsive and discourteous to plan to

give her own daughter a wedding invitation at least 2 weeks in advance. It isn't

reasonable for her to expect you to drop everything and run to her side at a

moment's notice. You were not wrong for keeping the plans you had already made.

That is the kind of thing that reasonable, responsible people do. It sounds like

you are a mature adult.

As for her rant on the phone, you do have another option. There is the " sit

there and take it " option that all of us KOs are trained to choose first,

there's the " start arguing about it " option that we sometimes impulsively choose

next, but there's a third and much more healthy option: HANG UP THE PHONE. You

do not have to let anyone treat you that way, even your mother. If she threatens

or attempts suicide, that's really sad, but YOU CANNOT CONTROL that. You can't

prevent her from doing anything like that. She is old enough to choose what she

does when she is feeling that way, and if she is capable of picking up a phone

to call you, she is capable of picking up a phone to call 911.

I know it's hard not to believe what she tells you. You're right, little kids

just automatically believe that their parents always know the truth, and

sometimes when we're grown we take over for them and start telling ourselves the

messages we heard from our parents. IT IS NOT OKAY that your mother said you

were a mistake. No child is a mistake, even the " surprises. " It sounds to me

like your mother feels really terrible about herself and thinks it is ok to

project all of her nasty feelings onto you. But she is wrong about that.

If you want to learn how to stop playing her tape in your head [aside: do young

people even know what that means anymore? Should I say something like, how to

take her MP3 playlist off of repeat? ;=], I think the best option would be to

find a professional counselor. Like our said, our parents give us messages about

ourselves, and eventually we just start telling ourselves those negative

statements even when our parent isn't there. Things like " I'm a mistake, I'm no

good, everything is my fault, I can control my mother's behavior if I just do

everything perfectly enough, I am unlovable, etc., etc. " A therapist will be

able to help you recognize when you have one of those thoughts, catch it,

challenge it, and change it, most often with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT).

You will learn to replace thoughts that aren't true or helpful with things like,

" You know, everyone makes mistakes, and if I make one, it's okay! I'm a good

person. I don't deserve to be yelled at or called names, etc. "

No one deserves to be talked to the way your mother talked to you. It is not

okay for her to do that. It sounds like you need to protect yourself with some

boundaries; if you answer her calls, it is ok to hang up immediately as soon as

she starts telling you you're " bad. " It is also ok just not to answer her calls

at all. You need the boundary to protect herself, and believe it or not, she

actually needs that boundary, too. Enabling her to continue her destructive and

manipulative behavior really isn't helping her at all. You can't change or

control her, but putting some good boundaries in place is actually good for the

Borderline person as well. A therapist will be able to help with that, too.

Understanding the Borderline Mother has some good information for how to deal

with the parent who manipulates using suicidal gestures and threats (in the

section for Waif's KOs, if I remember correctly). You might find it helpful.

Sveta

>

> So, I just got a phone call from my nada. I stared at the phone at first,

contemplating on whether I should answer it. I gave in and I wish more than ever

that things were different. You see, my nada recently married some man that

she's only known for two months. I've never met the man. She invited me to her

wedding only two hours before it was supposed to take place. I had plans that I

couldn't get out of, so I didn't go. I felt awful about it, but part of me

didn't want to go anyway because I'm tired of her choosing men over me. Anyway,

she called just to tell me how awful I am, and that she can't believe how

selfish I am. I couldn't say anything to her. All I could do was cry. She had

absolutely NO emotion at all. She just sat there telling me how I ruined HER

life? Seriously? I have no idea how she could even say that. On my end, all I

could do was what I've always done...take it. I couldn't say anything back in

fear that she would get angry and then

> threaten to hurt herself. As the conversation continued, she blurted out that

she wished I had never been born. It took me back to when I was eight years old

and she told me that I was the biggest mistake she had ever made. And now all I

can do is think of the things that I could have or should have done differently.

How could I have made the situation different? I know that she has BPD and it

plays a big part in the things she says, but how do I tell myself that it isn't

true when it's the only thing i've ever heard? How can I not believe the things

she says about me? I mean when you're little you figure out how you are by the

things your parents say about you. What do I do? I am so lost.

>

>

[Guest guest]

Oh dear. That was such a terrible thing to do to you. I know you've heard that

message from her before but it's still a cruel thing to say to anyone much less

your own child. I know you'll get past it as you have no choice. But if I may

make a suggestion, if she goes off on you like that again, just quietly hang up

on her. I did that to my son one time when he had been drinking, was angry at

the world. When he said " F--- you " to me, I simply said " This conversation isn't

going anywhere so I'm going to hang up now. " And I did. It's hard to do but even

harder to take the abuse. Please protect yourself. She sure isn't going to.

>

> So, I just got a phone call from my nada. I stared at the phone at first,

contemplating on whether I should answer it. I gave in and I wish more than ever

that things were different. You see, my nada recently married some man that

she's only known for two months. I've never met the man. She invited me to her

wedding only two hours before it was supposed to take place. I had plans that I

couldn't get out of, so I didn't go. I felt awful about it, but part of me

didn't want to go anyway because I'm tired of her choosing men over me. Anyway,

she called just to tell me how awful I am, and that she can't believe how

selfish I am. I couldn't say anything to her. All I could do was cry. She had

absolutely NO emotion at all. She just sat there telling me how I ruined HER

life? Seriously? I have no idea how she could even say that. On my end, all I

could do was what I've always done...take it. I couldn't say anything back in

fear that she would get angry and then

> threaten to hurt herself. As the conversation continued, she blurted out that

she wished I had never been born. It took me back to when I was eight years old

and she told me that I was the biggest mistake she had ever made. And now all I

can do is think of the things that I could have or should have done differently.

How could I have made the situation different? I know that she has BPD and it

plays a big part in the things she says, but how do I tell myself that it isn't

true when it's the only thing i've ever heard? How can I not believe the things

she says about me? I mean when you're little you figure out how you are by the

things your parents say about you. What do I do? I am so lost.

>

>

[Guest guest]

, honey, consider the source. She is CRAZY. My mom said something like

that to me when I was 14, and it stuck with me for years - until I really read

and understood the DSM-IV criteria for BPD and had the breakthrough realization

that what my mother says about - and to - me, has absolutely no grounding in

reality.

So she's miffed that you didn't attend her wedding to yet another man. Oh,

well! You are headed off into your own life. I can guarantee you this - if you

keep your head straight, you are going to find that her influence wanes as you

spend more and more time on your own, as a young adult, making your own choices

and hearing your own voice (instead of hers) in your head. it is going to take

some work on your part, to decide which inner voice you're hearing, and heed

only the one that is your own. Really, try to find a sane adult mentor - could

be a friend's parent, a counselor at school, anybody who's older, wiser, and NOT

CRAZY - and try to use that person's world view to establish your baseline for

what " normal " is. You are going to have to go through a period of

re-assessment, measuring what you " know " against what's real, because your Nada

has fed you utter crap for so many years. Many of us are doing that, and some

of us didn't start until we were decades older than you are.

When she calls and starts in on you, try just laying the phone down and watching

TV. Once in a while, pick it up and say " um-hmmm " or " hmmm " so she'll think

you're paying attention. And this is only necessary if you really have to

maintain the relationship because you're under age, or she's paying your bills

at school. Once you're out on your own and self-supporting, you don't have to

talk to her at all. Now, how's that for a life goal?

>

> So, I just got a phone call from my nada. I stared at the phone at first,

contemplating on whether I should answer it. I gave in and I wish more than ever

that things were different. You see, my nada recently married some man that

she's only known for two months. I've never met the man. She invited me to her

wedding only two hours before it was supposed to take place. I had plans that I

couldn't get out of, so I didn't go. I felt awful about it, but part of me

didn't want to go anyway because I'm tired of her choosing men over me. Anyway,

she called just to tell me how awful I am, and that she can't believe how

selfish I am. I couldn't say anything to her. All I could do was cry. She had

absolutely NO emotion at all. She just sat there telling me how I ruined HER

life? Seriously? I have no idea how she could even say that. On my end, all I

could do was what I've always done...take it. I couldn't say anything back in

fear that she would get angry and then

> threaten to hurt herself. As the conversation continued, she blurted out that

she wished I had never been born. It took me back to when I was eight years old

and she told me that I was the biggest mistake she had ever made. And now all I

can do is think of the things that I could have or should have done differently.

How could I have made the situation different? I know that she has BPD and it

plays a big part in the things she says, but how do I tell myself that it isn't

true when it's the only thing i've ever heard? How can I not believe the things

she says about me? I mean when you're little you figure out how you are by the

things your parents say about you. What do I do? I am so lost.

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

First, I'm so sorry you heard those mean lies about yourself, and that she's

manipulated you into a corner by threatening to harm herself if you raise any

defense against her lies about you. Her behavior is bizarre and out of control,

but of course you already know that.

My mother frequently insults me, and like to get digs in when possible. She is

deeply envious of me, and will often undermine my victories because she is so

envious. Cutting me down helps her to feel better. I find that regarding her

as one might regard a friend of the family who is unbalanced, or an auntie who

is clearly not in her right mind, helps a great deal. Having that mental

distance in mind really takes the sting out of her insults and lies about/to me.

I can then think of her as a poor old biddy who is out of her mind, but it

doesn't really matter because she's not someone who is all that important in my

life. She can yap away, but I feel free to make polite noises, ignore the

content completely, and just move along.

If that helps you reduce your distress when dealing with your nada, i offer that

coping mechanism to you.

annafelicity

>

> So, I just got a phone call from my nada. I stared at the phone at first,

contemplating on whether I should answer it. I gave in and I wish more than ever

that things were different. You see, my nada recently married some man that

she's only known for two months. I've never met the man. She invited me to her

wedding only two hours before it was supposed to take place. I had plans that I

couldn't get out of, so I didn't go. I felt awful about it, but part of me

didn't want to go anyway because I'm tired of her choosing men over me. Anyway,

she called just to tell me how awful I am, and that she can't believe how

selfish I am. I couldn't say anything to her. All I could do was cry. She had

absolutely NO emotion at all. She just sat there telling me how I ruined HER

life? Seriously? I have no idea how she could even say that. On my end, all I

could do was what I've always done...take it. I couldn't say anything back in

fear that she would get angry and then threaten to hurt herself. As the

conversation continued, she blurted out that she wished I had never been born.

It took me back to when I was eight years old and she told me that I was the

biggest mistake she had ever made. And now all I can do is think of the things

that I could have or should have done differently. How could I have made the

situation different? I know that she has BPD and it plays a big part in the

things she says, but how do I tell myself that it isn't true when it's the only

thing i've ever heard? How can I not believe the things she says about me? I

mean when you're little you figure out how you are by the things your parents

say about you. What do I do? I am so lost.

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

I say " ditto " to Svaktshka's post and the earlier posters who are advising you

that:

(a) you are NOT responsible for your mother's feelings; she is an adult and is

responsible for how she feels about herself, within herself, and she is

responsible for her own words and behaviors. When she threatens you with

harming herself to punish you, that is emotional blackmail and its WRONG (plus

it throws a big spotlight on the fact that bpd is a severe mental illness.)

( you have the right to not passively accept her emotional abuse; you have the

right to simply withdraw the moment she starts in on verbally abusing you

(blaming, criticizing, accusing, etc.) by cutting the call short or just hanging

up. Its not wrong to protect yourself from abuse, even if the abuse is coming

from your mother.

© you can reach a place emotionally where her demeaning judgements of you and

the horrid things she says do not devastate you (they may sting, but not crush

you), and

(d) educating yourself about bpd and therapy can help you reach that goal.

I also experienced extreme emotions while reading " Understanding The Borderline

Mother " ; I wept as I read it. I had to read certain chapters over because they

were so personal to me that I kind of blocked them out the first time, I guess.

I had to re-read to " get " all of it. But, it was a good kind of weeping. It

was cathartic. I think the crying came from feeling deeply validated, like a

dam inside me broke and let the polluted water escape.

So, : we understand what you are experiencing. We're here to validate

that you did not cause your mother to be the way she is, and you can't heal her,

and you can't make her happy inside herself, with herself.

If your mother were mentally healthy, she would be encouraging you and helping

you prepare for this new phase in your life, cheering you on, and she would be

so happy for you and proud of you.

I hope that helps.

-Annie

> >

> > So, I just got a phone call from my nada. I stared at the phone at first,

contemplating on whether I should answer it. I gave in and I wish more than ever

that things were different. You see, my nada recently married some man that

she's only known for two months. I've never met the man. She invited me to her

wedding only two hours before it was supposed to take place. I had plans that I

couldn't get out of, so I didn't go. I felt awful about it, but part of me

didn't want to go anyway because I'm tired of her choosing men over me. Anyway,

she called just to tell me how awful I am, and that she can't believe how

selfish I am. I couldn't say anything to her. All I could do was cry. She had

absolutely NO emotion at all. She just sat there telling me how I ruined HER

life? Seriously? I have no idea how she could even say that. On my end, all I

could do was what I've always done...take it. I couldn't say anything back in

fear that she would get angry and then

> > threaten to hurt herself. As the conversation continued, she blurted out

that she wished I had never been born. It took me back to when I was eight years

old and she told me that I was the biggest mistake she had ever made. And now

all I can do is think of the things that I could have or should have done

differently. How could I have made the situation different? I know that she has

BPD and it plays a big part in the things she says, but how do I tell myself

that it isn't true when it's the only thing i've ever heard? How can I not

believe the things she says about me? I mean when you're little you figure out

how you are by the things your parents say about you. What do I do? I am so

lost.

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Hi,

Geesh, that sounds like just awful treatment by your mother. I feel bad for you

just reading it. My mother never treated me quite as badly as all that, and she

is pretty loony, so trust me when I say you are the recipient of some pretty bad

abuse here.

The only two things I know that will maybe help erase these bad parental " tapes "

are constant repeated exposure to healthy people, and counseling. Although

sometimes books, such as _Emotional Incest_ or _Toxic Parents_ can also be very

helpful.

No eight year old deserves to be spoken to the way you were. And no grown

daughter does either. None of this is your fault.

--.

[Guest guest]

Well said, Elora Jade. My parents chose other people over me too and when I

have kids someday, I will sure to protect them against any people who might

do them harm. I wish the same had been done for me. It's funny, I was

thinking today not that parenting is easy by any stretch, but when compared

to having been raised by a BPD parent, parenting is easy when put next to

that. Having already parented our own parents, parenting little

well-adjusted happy people would be a freaking joy.

, one thing that can help can be therapy as stated above. It is so

hard, as you said, to imagine a different and better view of ourselves when

all that has been reflected back at us has been terrible or conditional at

best. It does distort our perception to the point that it's like we've been

raised in a house of mirrors (not a FUNhouse). Everything that we see about

ourselves is distorted and skewed. A therapist can help reflect back a

different better version of ourselves, the real version, not one that was

screamed at us by parents who force upon us their version of reality. A big

part of therapy is realizing that anyone who has to use any type of force to

get their message across probably doesn't have a valid or even real

message.

> **

>

>

> Hi,

>

> Geesh, that sounds like just awful treatment by your mother. I feel bad for

> you just reading it. My mother never treated me quite as badly as all that,

> and she is pretty loony, so trust me when I say you are the recipient of

> some pretty bad abuse here.

>

> The only two things I know that will maybe help erase these bad parental

> " tapes " are constant repeated exposure to healthy people, and counseling.

> Although sometimes books, such as _Emotional Incest_ or _Toxic Parents_ can

> also be very helpful.

>

> No eight year old deserves to be spoken to the way you were. And no grown

> daughter does either. None of this is your fault.

>

> --.

>

>

>