Hearing Stories of Nada breaks my Heart

[Guest guest]

So right now I'm on a campaign to repair the damages done by nada to the

relationships I care about in my family.

I spent the weekend with my Dad's older sister who is the same age as Nada and

the two of them did not get along. Aunt did not like Nada and was extremely

unhappy when Dad decided to marry her.

This weekend she and I were talking about how I was unhappy about oldest

Brother's rather abusive relationship and she paralleled her position with mine,

about how much it hurt to sit back watching people you care about making

decisions that hurt them.

She told me about how when my Dad proposed to Nada, she told him that not only

did she not know if she loved him, but she thought she might still be in love

with her ex!?!?!?! I cannot BELIEVE Dad married her after that!! It absolutely

breaks my heart that nada would tell my Dad that.

I get angrier at Nada the more I piece together of my childhood: How she

systematically cut off my entire Dad's family from us and how she hurt each of

them and made them feel unwelcome. It's so frustrating.

[Guest guest]

You are so fortunate to have a relative that sees the situation clearly. In your

quest to re-establish relationships that nada has tarnished be mindful of

relatives that just don't " get it " or don't want to. You can throw out a few

suggestive comments and see how they are taken and use that feedback to direct

your revelations.

My nada's whole family knows that she was hospitalized, more than once for

mental health issues. When her second husband died and she was kind of cracking

up I contacted one of her brothers. I didn't really want to, but nada was making

noises about not utilizing his life insurance wisely (paying off her mortgage

and other big bills) every time I tried to encourage her to do the wise and

financially prudent thing, she would get all huffy and tell me to quit trying to

control her and that her brother had said that she shouldn't worry, that he

would never let her lose her house and that he would take care of her. Now I

know this brother and tho he does not have any children, he does has a wife that

would object to bailing my nada out of a bind. I also know that what her brother

said and what nada " heard " were probably two VERY different things. Because she

kept insisting that her brother would take care of her, I decided to bring him

in on nada's interpretation of their conversations. Needless to say, this was

news to him! After all was said and done, nada did the financially sound thing,

but her brother threw me under the bus and completely swallowed her pack of lies

about how I had misunderstood her. No one in my nada's family wants to hear it

or be involved, much less believe any of it. It's ugly and comes with enough

drama for a tabloid magazine.

I guess my point is this. Be grateful for your one aunt and be cautious in

giving too much information to the rest of them. The fact that they are NOT your

nada's immediate family is helpful, but even having no ties to your nada, does

not mean you should share everything with all the others. Just making it known

that you would like to establish a relationship and express regret that you did

not get to do this when you were growing up will open most doors. My nada did

this to my dad's side of the family too. I didn't really get to know my cousins

and that was a shame, cause they are really some of the coolest people you would

want to meet.

>

> So right now I'm on a campaign to repair the damages done by nada to the

relationships I care about in my family.

> I spent the weekend with my Dad's older sister who is the same age as Nada and

the two of them did not get along. Aunt did not like Nada and was extremely

unhappy when Dad decided to marry her.

>

> This weekend she and I were talking about how I was unhappy about oldest

Brother's rather abusive relationship and she paralleled her position with mine,

about how much it hurt to sit back watching people you care about making

decisions that hurt them.

> She told me about how when my Dad proposed to Nada, she told him that not only

did she not know if she loved him, but she thought she might still be in love

with her ex!?!?!?! I cannot BELIEVE Dad married her after that!! It absolutely

breaks my heart that nada would tell my Dad that.

>

> I get angrier at Nada the more I piece together of my childhood: How she

systematically cut off my entire Dad's family from us and how she hurt each of

them and made them feel unwelcome. It's so frustrating.

>

[Guest guest]

I too feel very alone in my family...my mom also got rid of my dad's family a

very long time ago...and then got rid of her own family til there was nobody

left but me and my brother...and she seemed to even like it that way. I am a

very family oriented person...and always wants more family...and somehow I am

feeling very alone in mine. She bashed everyone and now there is no one. I find

it a very lonely existence without family, not only at holiday times, but all

the time.

Yes, I have made my peace with certain family members, but when the damage is

done, people don't forget it so easily...and i am connected to my mom in

bloodline and people associate me with her...so the relationship is always

strained. It's a legacy I could have done without.

In a world and community where family is held high and cherished, I live without

it and mourn it terribly. Just another casualty of my mom's wars.

This borderline thing is a curse that I still cannot believe I have to suffer

the repercussions.

I have been in therapy regarding this lifelong issue for years, and though I try

to understand it and get over it and deal with it, it somehow always bites me in

my naive tushy.

Amy

[Guest guest]

Thanks for the sound advice. I'm a lot more careful about who I tell about what

happens. When things started falling apart and I started figuring things out it

was all I could think about and I told random people, which now wasn't such a

good idea. I'm better about being more discerning about who I tell.

I've been lucky in that several of our relatives have reached out to my siblings

and myself when they got word of the crazy and protracted divorce mess my family

is in.

Most of Nada's family is so messed up they don't even realize anything is wrong

and see my nada as a pitiful victim. Grandnada disowned my brothers and myself

(sending only my sister christmas presents this past year and ignoring my

brother's graduation from high school this year).

My nada's little brother somehow survived the abuse and didn't go nutty like his

4 sisters, but he is still pretty oblivious to the situation. He's incredible at

smoothing over absolutely any situation. I traveled across the country to go

stay with him and his wife (who sees things VERY clearly, luckily and was the

only reason I felt safe enough to go). We traveled for the first half of my week

there and the second half I just observed my nada's family. Grandnada wouldn't

actually speak to me and Grandfada just ignored me and cemented my decison not

to have them involved in my adult life (these are the two lovely individuals who

boycotted my graduation ceremony and later party on the BS excuse that they were

afraid of my brother, who Nada split as all bad but is kind, generous and all

around a far better human being than they are!). If they want to be in my life,

it is their responsibility to make amends for the years of ignoring me except

for passive-aggressive phone calls or cards around Christmas. My birthday is

about 2 weeks after Christmas, so I have never received a birthday card for them

in my life, even though Nada makes us send Grandnada flowers and such on her

birthday 2 DAYS after Christmas. Ridiculous. Clearly, I've got a lot of anger at

them for creating my nada and hurting her sisters so badly as well as being just

plain horrible to my brothers and me.

I think the quote that sums it all up for them is that " I simply don't have

enough middle fingers to show them how I feel " .

Dad's family has been extremely supportive after finding out what life was

really like for us. All of them sort of knew what was going on but felt helpless

to intervene in any way. It's been heartbreaking to feel so unloved all these

years and only now find people who do love me just for me and care about me as a

person. I cry every time anyone tells me they love me or they care about me.

> >

> > So right now I'm on a campaign to repair the damages done by nada to the

relationships I care about in my family.

> > I spent the weekend with my Dad's older sister who is the same age as Nada

and the two of them did not get along. Aunt did not like Nada and was extremely

unhappy when Dad decided to marry her.

> >

> > This weekend she and I were talking about how I was unhappy about oldest

Brother's rather abusive relationship and she paralleled her position with mine,

about how much it hurt to sit back watching people you care about making

decisions that hurt them.

> > She told me about how when my Dad proposed to Nada, she told him that not

only did she not know if she loved him, but she thought she might still be in

love with her ex!?!?!?! I cannot BELIEVE Dad married her after that!! It

absolutely breaks my heart that nada would tell my Dad that.

> >

> > I get angrier at Nada the more I piece together of my childhood: How she

systematically cut off my entire Dad's family from us and how she hurt each of

them and made them feel unwelcome. It's so frustrating.

> >

>