Re: So hard enforcing boundaries when all the old triggers fire up

[Guest guest]

First of all, you CAN " T feel your blood pressure. It's impossible. I did a

whole ad campaign about getting you ir bp checked because there are NO

warning signs. so I would tell her that. I would also say (after working on

this with waif boss for nearly a year) that you pick your battles. You

respond with honesty. You try to be as nice as possible while being honest.

You control your tone of voice so that you aren't cruel, just

straightforward.

Here is an examle. Waif boss was doing a proposal that she actually should

have delegated to me but for whatever reason she didn't. she proceeded to

have a hard time formatting it because she is computer-impaired. She was

honest to gawd sitting in her office shreiking and stamping her petite foot

over and over. I was giggling my butt off at her antics - she couldn't see

me. She would shout out specific questions and say to come to her and fix

it. I said just a sec, I'll look up exact instructions and send them to you.

Which I did. Which she never read. She didn't want to fix it, she wanted to

be reescued and I knew that. But since she was boogar momming (tech term) a

project that she will later delegate to me and not allow me to have my own

ideas for it, I didn't feel like rescuing her. In the past i would have just

done it for her, even if it meant working til 11 pm. In fact, if she had

asked me to it, I would have itemized my workload for her to see if I could

fit it in. But she never used her words or asked me like an intelligent

adult speaking to another adult so I just let her throw her very phony

seeming fit.

Does that help? So in your case I would say " Mom, you can't feel your blood

pressure. That's scientifically impossible. " and left it at that.

On Mon, Jul 25, 2011 at 6:40 AM, Fiona wrote:

> **

>

>

> e Lately, when I talk to nada -- which I'm shooting now ttfor once a week

> -- I know she and I are both trying to pretend that we didn't have a

> disagreement, that me not talking to her for a month didn't happen, and that

> I didn't write her a very honest letter.

>

> It's just too painful, I guess. I'm just tired of conflict and seeing her

> old self fall apart.

>

> So we just talked and I said that my kids and I would stop by Thursday to

> go out for ice cream and that we could stop by the store, too, if she needed

> to. She said she'd like that and, of course, couldn't let a conversation

> happen without sounding waify and needy... " my blood pressure is feeling high

> today...but I'm sure it's fine. " It just irritates me. I said, " yeah,

> you're right; it's probably fine. "

>

> All the while, I almost feel like I'm scared to talk about what I said in

> my letter, like ashamed of it. Which I shouldn't be. And I'm not. But when I

> talk to her, it's REALLY hard.

>

> Any ideas on enforcing boundaries when they turn the waif on? I just want

> to do a Judge Judy and just bark it out, but instead I do my fake " hi Mom,

> life is great!! " voice. UUUUUghhhhhhghhghghg. I'd love feedback on how

> others have handled this kind of situation.

>

> Thanks,

>

> Fiona

>

>

[Guest guest]

Fiona,

Are you afraid to talk about what you said in the letter because

you're ashamed or because you fear what will happen if you

bring up the subject? The latter sounds like a very reasonable

fear. I know how my nada reacts to such things and I don't even

like being around her when someone else has put something she

doesn't like in writing. Perhaps you also realize subconsciously

that it is pretty much futile to try to discuss it. Having a

rational discussion of that sort with someone who is irrational

doesn't usually work. She is unlikely to admit to bearing any

responsibility for the problems and she'll almost certainly try

to turn everything you say back on you.

I think there are a couple of things you can try when she turns

the waif on. One is to call her bluff. In this particular case,

you could try telling her that if her blood pressure is so high

that she feels different, it must be high enough that she needs

immediate medical attention and should go to the hospital

emergency room for treatment. (If she's the kind who likes to go

to the ER because it gets attention for her, that's not a good

tactic to try.) Another option is to put the responsibility back

on her when she tries to put it on you. " So what are you going

to do about it? " is a good response to a lot of waify

complaints.

At 08:40 AM 07/25/2011 Fiona wrote:

>Lately, when I talk to nada -- which I'm shooting now for once

>a week -- I know she and I are both trying to pretend that we

>didn't have a disagreement, that me not talking to her for a

>month didn't happen, and that I didn't write her a very honest

>letter.

>

>It's just too painful, I guess. I'm just tired of conflict and

>seeing her old self fall apart.

>

>So we just talked and I said that my kids and I would stop by

>Thursday to go out for ice cream and that we could stop by the

>store, too, if she needed to. She said she'd like that and, of

>course, couldn't let a conversation happen without sounding

>waify and needy... " my blood pressure is feeling high

>today...but I'm sure it's fine. " It just irritates me. I

>said, " yeah, you're right; it's probably fine. "

>

>All the while, I almost feel like I'm scared to talk about what

>I said in my letter, like ashamed of it. Which I shouldn't be.

>And I'm not. But when I talk to her, it's REALLY hard.

>

>Any ideas on enforcing boundaries when they turn the waif

>on? I just want to do a Judge Judy and just bark it out, but

>instead I do my fake " hi Mom, life is

>great!! " voice. UUUUUghhhhhhghhghghg. I'd love feedback on

>how others have handled this kind of situation.

>

>Thanks,

>

>Fiona

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

Girlscout, your boss is very much like waif nada. She won't come out and say,

" I need milk or water or whatever. " Instead, she'll say, " (sigh) I'm running

low on milk....(sigh) "

I no longer say, " I'LL get it for you! " Like you said, you know they just want

to be rescued, and I'm tired of it.

But you make a good point about picking my battles. That's a good point, because

I do feel sometimes like I have to make my stance clear on so many things, and

maybe it's best for me to just pick the one or two (how she treats my kids and

husband; and how many times we talk in a week) to make a federal case about.

Thanks!!

>

> > **

> >

> >

> > e Lately, when I talk to nada -- which I'm shooting now ttfor once a week

> > -- I know she and I are both trying to pretend that we didn't have a

> > disagreement, that me not talking to her for a month didn't happen, and that

> > I didn't write her a very honest letter.

> >

> > It's just too painful, I guess. I'm just tired of conflict and seeing her

> > old self fall apart.

> >

> > So we just talked and I said that my kids and I would stop by Thursday to

> > go out for ice cream and that we could stop by the store, too, if she needed

> > to. She said she'd like that and, of course, couldn't let a conversation

> > happen without sounding waify and needy... " my blood pressure is feeling high

> > today...but I'm sure it's fine. " It just irritates me. I said, " yeah,

> > you're right; it's probably fine. "

> >

> > All the while, I almost feel like I'm scared to talk about what I said in

> > my letter, like ashamed of it. Which I shouldn't be. And I'm not. But when I

> > talk to her, it's REALLY hard.

> >

> > Any ideas on enforcing boundaries when they turn the waif on? I just want

> > to do a Judge Judy and just bark it out, but instead I do my fake " hi Mom,

> > life is great!! " voice. UUUUUghhhhhhghhghghg. I'd love feedback on how

> > others have handled this kind of situation.

> >

> > Thanks,

> >

> > Fiona

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Hi Katrina,

I feel fear at how she's going to respond if I re-set a boundary. For instance,

in my letter, I said I do not want to talk to her every day.

At some point, when she starts calling me every other day, I'm going to have to

speak what I wrote, and it's VERY uncomfortable for me to do that. Because I

just don't want to have to go through it all again.

But I'll have to.

Yes, I've tried saying, " so what do YOU want to do? " when she discusses how

unhappy and lonely she is in her apt or other issues. She just clams ups. She

just wants to complain but doesn't want to make decisions. She wants my brother

to make decisions for her, like my father used to do.

Fiona

>

> Fiona,

> Are you afraid to talk about what you said in the letter because

> you're ashamed or because you fear what will happen if you

> bring up the subject? The latter sounds like a very reasonable

> fear. I know how my nada reacts to such things and I don't even

> like being around her when someone else has put something she

> doesn't like in writing. Perhaps you also realize subconsciously

> that it is pretty much futile to try to discuss it. Having a

> rational discussion of that sort with someone who is irrational

> doesn't usually work. She is unlikely to admit to bearing any

> responsibility for the problems and she'll almost certainly try

> to turn everything you say back on you.

>

> I think there are a couple of things you can try when she turns

> the waif on. One is to call her bluff. In this particular case,

> you could try telling her that if her blood pressure is so high

> that she feels different, it must be high enough that she needs

> immediate medical attention and should go to the hospital

> emergency room for treatment. (If she's the kind who likes to go

> to the ER because it gets attention for her, that's not a good

> tactic to try.) Another option is to put the responsibility back

> on her when she tries to put it on you. " So what are you going

> to do about it? " is a good response to a lot of waify

> complaints.

>

[Guest guest]

> " So what are you going

>to do about it? " is a good response to a lot of waify

>complaints.

Wow, Katrina - that was great! So simple yet really effective. I am

going to try to remember this, since I am back in contact with my waif nada

after about a month of near NC... Right now she's depressed (but will NOT

call it this -- she cannot accept any form of mental impairment - it is surely

something physically wrong with her) and complaining about a 30 year old

hernia that she swears is acting up but 2 doctors have said is fine. A big

family wedding is coming up - her niece, god daughter, her younger sister's

only daughter... and she's working every angle including total rude

avoidance of the issue, to NOT go. She's actually saying she " just can't

imagine

packing and lugging a suitcase right now " as part of her reason for not

going. It's so absurd. I've had a really rough last 6 months, and was

really sick for the last 2 months and just had surgery, but somehow HER issues

take center stage and trump all else. I feel myself slipping back down the

slope towards being her parent -- she called today to see if I could help

her book tickets to visit her boyfriend?! Apparently lugging a suitcase to

see *him* is not a problem?? The irony is that if she does end up going to

the family wedding, how pleasant will it really be? Everyone knows The

Waif will be the one who shows up! ...sigh...

Sorry for venting out of turn. But thanks again Katrina... and Fiona, all

I can offer is sympathy. I wish I had advice.

*Star