Guest guest Posted July 25, 2011 Report Share Posted July 25, 2011 I have been doing a lot of thinking today about anger. I had an ephiphany of sorts that I'd like to share with everyone, but I have a tendency to be long-winded, so I thought I'd start a new thread. Lately, it seems that nada is just hell-bent on getting into a confrontation with me. She has been doing all sorts of nasty, devious things in an effort to draw me out (I've been NC with her for about 2-1/2 months). Her latest tactic has been to engage in a smear campaign against me which involved contacting every member of my extended FOO and filling them full of outrageous lies about me in an attempt to recruit an army of flying monkeys. Her vendetta culminated in a " campaign tour " of sorts ending up 600 miles away at my cousin's house in Florida. When my cousin didn't fall for her tricks and refused to play nada's game, nada got angry and left the very next day. Anyway, before she left to go on her *vacation*, she left me a phone message saying that she didn't know when she would be back, but when she did get back, she WOULD be coming over to my house and she expected to spend some time with HER grandchild. (Never mind asking, nada, just TELL me you're coming over....geez). So I kept asking myself, why is she doing this? It's like she WANTS me to be angry. She WANTS to keep me on the edge and guessing when she might just show up at my house DEMANDING that I talk to her and let her see MY daughter. Then, it dawned on me. She wants to make me angry not only to get back at me for going NC, but so I'll be good and pissed off whenever she does show up at my house unannounced. That way, she can provoke me into a fight, and she will get to, once again, play the VICTIM. It's her favorite role - the one she was born to play. It also occurred to me that this is the same sick, dysfunctional, family dynamic we had when I was growing up and she and my fada were still married. She knew fada was prone to rages, so she goaded and nagged him and picked and picked and picked at him until he finally couldn't take any more and exploded. Of course, she would yell and scream back at him. These almost daily yelling and screaming matches would always end with fada leaving, slamming the door behind him. Then, nada would collapse into a sobbing heap on the floor. Often, she would call my grandnada on the phone and cry to her about how horrible my fada had treated her. Quite often, she would embellish her story, add things or make things up that didn't happen, like fada hit her. However, she always conveniently left out the part where SHE started the fight in the first place! Of course, grandnada believed her. It's happening all over again, except this time she is trying to drag ME into the fight. I know no matter what, I can't let my anger get the best of me, because that is exactly what she wants. If I lose it and give her a piece of my mind, which is exactly what I want to do, then I'll just be playing right into her hands. She will get to play the victim again and point her finger at me and tell everybody, " see? see how she is? I TOLD you she hated me. She has an ANGER problem " . The only way I can *win* is to just not to play the game at all. That would mean stuffing all the anger down inside again, and honestly, I don't know if I'm strong enough to do that. As usual, I've rambled on long enough. Thanks everyone for the support and letting me vent. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 25, 2011 Report Share Posted July 25, 2011 I agree, I think your insight is probably right on target: your nada is now treating you the same way she treated your dad, meaning that she is deliberately trying to goad you into " fighting " with her (defending yourself is interpreted by nada as you attacking her) so that she can then appear to be the victim of your " out of control anger " . Bingo. This behavior sounds all too familiar to me; my nada also used to pick at dad and goad him into defending himself. My dad was a generally even-tempered guy, but like yours he would be goaded and pick-pick-picked at and poked with a sharp stick (verbally) until he was yelling too. Then he'd usually just leave the house at some point, I suppose to avoid the situation escalating into physical violence on nada's part. What dad never knew was that after he left, nada would usually direct her unspent rage on us kids. She wasn't " done " yet, so any convenient target for her rage would do. Sister and I learned to make ourselves scarce or hide when nada would start in on dad. So, I think the strategy you're thinking about using is pretty good: do not engage. Don't play her game. Don't respond at all if you can help it (you're not home, you don't answer the door, etc.) and if you must speak, show no anger at all. ( " Medium Chill " techniques on full red alert.) I further suggest that if she shows up on your property uninvited and demands to be let in and refuses to leave your property even if you tell her to, then call the police. If in the future you feel the need to get a restraining order taken out, then nada having an official police record of trespassing and maybe even property damage (if she does that) will make it easier for you to get a RO. Just my two cents' worth. -Annie > > I have been doing a lot of thinking today about anger. I had an ephiphany of sorts that I'd like to share with everyone, but I have a tendency to be long-winded, so I thought I'd start a new thread. > > Lately, it seems that nada is just hell-bent on getting into a confrontation with me. She has been doing all sorts of nasty, devious things in an effort to draw me out (I've been NC with her for about 2-1/2 months). Her latest tactic has been to engage in a smear campaign against me which involved contacting every member of my extended FOO and filling them full of outrageous lies about me in an attempt to recruit an army of flying monkeys. Her vendetta culminated in a " campaign tour " of sorts ending up 600 miles away at my cousin's house in Florida. When my cousin didn't fall for her tricks and refused to play nada's game, nada got angry and left the very next day. > > Anyway, before she left to go on her *vacation*, she left me a phone message saying that she didn't know when she would be back, but when she did get back, she WOULD be coming over to my house and she expected to spend some time with HER grandchild. (Never mind asking, nada, just TELL me you're coming over....geez). > > So I kept asking myself, why is she doing this? It's like she WANTS me to be angry. She WANTS to keep me on the edge and guessing when she might just show up at my house DEMANDING that I talk to her and let her see MY daughter. Then, it dawned on me. She wants to make me angry not only to get back at me for going NC, but so I'll be good and pissed off whenever she does show up at my house unannounced. That way, she can provoke me into a fight, and she will get to, once again, play the VICTIM. It's her favorite role - the one she was born to play. > > It also occurred to me that this is the same sick, dysfunctional, family dynamic we had when I was growing up and she and my fada were still married. She knew fada was prone to rages, so she goaded and nagged him and picked and picked and picked at him until he finally couldn't take any more and exploded. Of course, she would yell and scream back at him. These almost daily yelling and screaming matches would always end with fada leaving, slamming the door behind him. Then, nada would collapse into a sobbing heap on the floor. Often, she would call my grandnada on the phone and cry to her about how horrible my fada had treated her. Quite often, she would embellish her story, add things or make things up that didn't happen, like fada hit her. However, she always conveniently left out the part where SHE started the fight in the first place! Of course, grandnada believed her. > > It's happening all over again, except this time she is trying to drag ME into the fight. I know no matter what, I can't let my anger get the best of me, because that is exactly what she wants. If I lose it and give her a piece of my mind, which is exactly what I want to do, then I'll just be playing right into her hands. She will get to play the victim again and point her finger at me and tell everybody, " see? see how she is? I TOLD you she hated me. She has an ANGER problem " . The only way I can *win* is to just not to play the game at all. That would mean stuffing all the anger down inside again, and honestly, I don't know if I'm strong enough to do that. > > As usual, I've rambled on long enough. Thanks everyone for the support and letting me vent. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 25, 2011 Report Share Posted July 25, 2011 I have a question for all the insightful people in the group about dealing with the anger thing. I think I understand the " medium chill " technique and I know responding to the goading with anger just adds fuel to the fire, but I don't know what to do with the anger after that. I can't seem to find another way to redirect it so it doesn't just sit there and stew. I've tried punching bags/pillows, going somewhere alone and just yelling, or talking it out with someone else and these things kind of help clear the surface of the problem but never get down to the root. The problem is that I'm not really mad at an inanimate object, I'm mad at HER for her lying, manipulation, guilt tripping, abuse, and general over-the-top obnoxious bitchyness. Obviously I can't direct the anger at her like I could any rational person. It seems wrong to just " let it go " because it's justifiable. I just feel stuck. Sometimes I just want to blast her " hadouken " -style into smoke and just be done with the whole mess. >_< Subject: Re: More thoughts on Anger To: WTOAdultChildren1 Date: Monday, July 25, 2011, 3:16 PM Â I agree, I think your insight is probably right on target: your nada is now treating you the same way she treated your dad, meaning that she is deliberately trying to goad you into " fighting " with her (defending yourself is interpreted by nada as you attacking her) so that she can then appear to be the victim of your " out of control anger " . Bingo. This behavior sounds all too familiar to me; my nada also used to pick at dad and goad him into defending himself. My dad was a generally even-tempered guy, but like yours he would be goaded and pick-pick-picked at and poked with a sharp stick (verbally) until he was yelling too. Then he'd usually just leave the house at some point, I suppose to avoid the situation escalating into physical violence on nada's part. What dad never knew was that after he left, nada would usually direct her unspent rage on us kids. She wasn't " done " yet, so any convenient target for her rage would do. Sister and I learned to make ourselves scarce or hide when nada would start in on dad. So, I think the strategy you're thinking about using is pretty good: do not engage. Don't play her game. Don't respond at all if you can help it (you're not home, you don't answer the door, etc.) and if you must speak, show no anger at all. ( " Medium Chill " techniques on full red alert.) I further suggest that if she shows up on your property uninvited and demands to be let in and refuses to leave your property even if you tell her to, then call the police. If in the future you feel the need to get a restraining order taken out, then nada having an official police record of trespassing and maybe even property damage (if she does that) will make it easier for you to get a RO. Just my two cents' worth. -Annie > > I have been doing a lot of thinking today about anger. I had an ephiphany of sorts that I'd like to share with everyone, but I have a tendency to be long-winded, so I thought I'd start a new thread. > > Lately, it seems that nada is just hell-bent on getting into a confrontation with me. She has been doing all sorts of nasty, devious things in an effort to draw me out (I've been NC with her for about 2-1/2 months). Her latest tactic has been to engage in a smear campaign against me which involved contacting every member of my extended FOO and filling them full of outrageous lies about me in an attempt to recruit an army of flying monkeys. Her vendetta culminated in a " campaign tour " of sorts ending up 600 miles away at my cousin's house in Florida. When my cousin didn't fall for her tricks and refused to play nada's game, nada got angry and left the very next day. > > Anyway, before she left to go on her *vacation*, she left me a phone message saying that she didn't know when she would be back, but when she did get back, she WOULD be coming over to my house and she expected to spend some time with HER grandchild. (Never mind asking, nada, just TELL me you're coming over....geez). > > So I kept asking myself, why is she doing this? It's like she WANTS me to be angry. She WANTS to keep me on the edge and guessing when she might just show up at my house DEMANDING that I talk to her and let her see MY daughter. Then, it dawned on me. She wants to make me angry not only to get back at me for going NC, but so I'll be good and pissed off whenever she does show up at my house unannounced. That way, she can provoke me into a fight, and she will get to, once again, play the VICTIM. It's her favorite role - the one she was born to play. > > It also occurred to me that this is the same sick, dysfunctional, family dynamic we had when I was growing up and she and my fada were still married. She knew fada was prone to rages, so she goaded and nagged him and picked and picked and picked at him until he finally couldn't take any more and exploded. Of course, she would yell and scream back at him. These almost daily yelling and screaming matches would always end with fada leaving, slamming the door behind him. Then, nada would collapse into a sobbing heap on the floor. Often, she would call my grandnada on the phone and cry to her about how horrible my fada had treated her. Quite often, she would embellish her story, add things or make things up that didn't happen, like fada hit her. However, she always conveniently left out the part where SHE started the fight in the first place! Of course, grandnada believed her. > > It's happening all over again, except this time she is trying to drag ME into the fight. I know no matter what, I can't let my anger get the best of me, because that is exactly what she wants. If I lose it and give her a piece of my mind, which is exactly what I want to do, then I'll just be playing right into her hands. She will get to play the victim again and point her finger at me and tell everybody, " see? see how she is? I TOLD you she hated me. She has an ANGER problem " . The only way I can *win* is to just not to play the game at all. That would mean stuffing all the anger down inside again, and honestly, I don't know if I'm strong enough to do that. > > As usual, I've rambled on long enough. Thanks everyone for the support and letting me vent. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 25, 2011 Report Share Posted July 25, 2011 If you can ever get to the point where you can laugh about the ridiculous crap she pulls, it will help immensely. My Nada is old and infirm, I'm helping to pay her bills, I have to fetch and carry stuff she wants at The Home where she lives, and she still - STILL - does this meticulous process of pushing my buttons until she finds something that will tick me off to the point that I'll react. It really helps to have staff and friends (who know the score) to talk to, and to frame her behavior in " Nada's latest looniness " terms. She's batshit crazy, and apparently she's the only one who doesn't realize it. If you ever watched That 70's Show on TV, you'll be familiar with the father's (Red Foreman) catchline - every time he has to deal with his hapless son, he makes whatever pronouncement he has to make, then hesitates a minute and mutters, " ....Dumbass... " That's sort of what I do with Nada when she lights into me or tries to start a fight or undermine my good mood. This last Sunday I just stood up, got my purse, and said, " Ohhhhh-kayyyy.... have a nice day. " And as I shut the door to her room, I muttered to myself, " ...Dumbass... " > > > > > > I have been doing a lot of thinking today about anger. I had an ephiphany of sorts that I'd like to share with everyone, but I have a tendency to be long-winded, so I thought I'd start a new thread. > > > > > > Lately, it seems that nada is just hell-bent on getting into a confrontation with me. She has been doing all sorts of nasty, devious things in an effort to draw me out (I've been NC with her for about 2-1/2 months). Her latest tactic has been to engage in a smear campaign against me which involved contacting every member of my extended FOO and filling them full of outrageous lies about me in an attempt to recruit an army of flying monkeys. Her vendetta culminated in a " campaign tour " of sorts ending up 600 miles away at my cousin's house in Florida. When my cousin didn't fall for her tricks and refused to play nada's game, nada got angry and left the very next day. > > > > > > Anyway, before she left to go on her *vacation*, she left me a phone message saying that she didn't know when she would be back, but when she did get back, she WOULD be coming over to my house and she expected to spend some time with HER grandchild. (Never mind asking, nada, just TELL me you're coming over....geez). > > > > > > So I kept asking myself, why is she doing this? It's like she WANTS me to be angry. She WANTS to keep me on the edge and guessing when she might just show up at my house DEMANDING that I talk to her and let her see MY daughter. Then, it dawned on me. She wants to make me angry not only to get back at me for going NC, but so I'll be good and pissed off whenever she does show up at my house unannounced. That way, she can provoke me into a fight, and she will get to, once again, play the VICTIM. It's her favorite role - the one she was born to play. > > > > > > It also occurred to me that this is the same sick, dysfunctional, family dynamic we had when I was growing up and she and my fada were still married. She knew fada was prone to rages, so she goaded and nagged him and picked and picked and picked at him until he finally couldn't take any more and exploded. Of course, she would yell and scream back at him. These almost daily yelling and screaming matches would always end with fada leaving, slamming the door behind him. Then, nada would collapse into a sobbing heap on the floor. Often, she would call my grandnada on the phone and cry to her about how horrible my fada had treated her. Quite often, she would embellish her story, add things or make things up that didn't happen, like fada hit her. However, she always conveniently left out the part where SHE started the fight in the first place! Of course, grandnada believed her. > > > > > > It's happening all over again, except this time she is trying to drag ME into the fight. I know no matter what, I can't let my anger get the best of me, because that is exactly what she wants. If I lose it and give her a piece of my mind, which is exactly what I want to do, then I'll just be playing right into her hands. She will get to play the victim again and point her finger at me and tell everybody, " see? see how she is? I TOLD you she hated me. She has an ANGER problem " . The only way I can *win* is to just not to play the game at all. That would mean stuffing all the anger down inside again, and honestly, I don't know if I'm strong enough to do that. > > > > > > As usual, I've rambled on long enough. Thanks everyone for the support and letting me vent. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 25, 2011 Report Share Posted July 25, 2011 I don't know what to tell you, because I have the same unresolved problem. Our anger IS justified, and yet if I were to go totally apeshit ballistic at my nada now, when she's elderly, demented, hallucinating and crapping on herself, then I'd feel like the monster. In fact, I would be the monster, in my eyes. I don't want to be a bully to her the way she used her size and power to bully me when I was little. And yet, I've had *dreams*, very vivid ones, in which I just really tell my nada off, just SCREAM at her, and its very cathartic. In my dreams, she looks about my age, and she just sits there and listens to me without saying anything or reacting. She's just... accepting my rage. I wish I could have more of THOSE dreams. So, I guess we each have to find an anger-dissipating or anger-resolving technique that works for us individually. When I was more active and did a lot of walking and hiking, I felt less angry. I need to start doing that again, I guess. -Annie > > > > > > I have been doing a lot of thinking today about anger. I had an ephiphany of sorts that I'd like to share with everyone, but I have a tendency to be long-winded, so I thought I'd start a new thread. > > > > > > Lately, it seems that nada is just hell-bent on getting into a confrontation with me. She has been doing all sorts of nasty, devious things in an effort to draw me out (I've been NC with her for about 2-1/2 months). Her latest tactic has been to engage in a smear campaign against me which involved contacting every member of my extended FOO and filling them full of outrageous lies about me in an attempt to recruit an army of flying monkeys. Her vendetta culminated in a " campaign tour " of sorts ending up 600 miles away at my cousin's house in Florida. When my cousin didn't fall for her tricks and refused to play nada's game, nada got angry and left the very next day. > > > > > > Anyway, before she left to go on her *vacation*, she left me a phone message saying that she didn't know when she would be back, but when she did get back, she WOULD be coming over to my house and she expected to spend some time with HER grandchild. (Never mind asking, nada, just TELL me you're coming over....geez). > > > > > > So I kept asking myself, why is she doing this? It's like she WANTS me to be angry. She WANTS to keep me on the edge and guessing when she might just show up at my house DEMANDING that I talk to her and let her see MY daughter. Then, it dawned on me. She wants to make me angry not only to get back at me for going NC, but so I'll be good and pissed off whenever she does show up at my house unannounced. That way, she can provoke me into a fight, and she will get to, once again, play the VICTIM. It's her favorite role - the one she was born to play. > > > > > > It also occurred to me that this is the same sick, dysfunctional, family dynamic we had when I was growing up and she and my fada were still married. She knew fada was prone to rages, so she goaded and nagged him and picked and picked and picked at him until he finally couldn't take any more and exploded. Of course, she would yell and scream back at him. These almost daily yelling and screaming matches would always end with fada leaving, slamming the door behind him. Then, nada would collapse into a sobbing heap on the floor. Often, she would call my grandnada on the phone and cry to her about how horrible my fada had treated her. Quite often, she would embellish her story, add things or make things up that didn't happen, like fada hit her. However, she always conveniently left out the part where SHE started the fight in the first place! Of course, grandnada believed her. > > > > > > It's happening all over again, except this time she is trying to drag ME into the fight. I know no matter what, I can't let my anger get the best of me, because that is exactly what she wants. If I lose it and give her a piece of my mind, which is exactly what I want to do, then I'll just be playing right into her hands. She will get to play the victim again and point her finger at me and tell everybody, " see? see how she is? I TOLD you she hated me. She has an ANGER problem " . The only way I can *win* is to just not to play the game at all. That would mean stuffing all the anger down inside again, and honestly, I don't know if I'm strong enough to do that. > > > > > > As usual, I've rambled on long enough. Thanks everyone for the support and letting me vent. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 25, 2011 Report Share Posted July 25, 2011 yeah i am starting to think that I need seriously to take a martial art so I can learn how to deal with energy coming at me, has anyone tried this? because one thing is for certain if no other values can be inferred or deduced from their behavior, which is that it's clear they want to a) destroy or at least change my energy, which as a child was innate curiosity and optimism, and it's very directional, I get going 'up' or to the positive emotions and they come swoop in and do everything in their power to push it down, down, down, for some reason low energy levels or the negative emotions are the ones they want you to have. they are more immobile, sadness, cynicism, depression, those are the ones that render you incapable of moving forward, so they press down on my energy and stop the motion of those electrons, so that I will NOT LEAVE. it's all fear of abandonment, among other things. I posted awhile back about the duality of their coping with whatever trauma got them this way, doomed to both hallucinate the trauma into the present at every opportunity plus cordon it off psychologically out of sheer will so that it is never experienced or remembered. talk about a double-edged sword. > > I have been doing a lot of thinking today about anger. I had an ephiphany of sorts that I'd like to share with everyone, but I have a tendency to be long-winded, so I thought I'd start a new thread. > > Lately, it seems that nada is just hell-bent on getting into a confrontation with me. She has been doing all sorts of nasty, devious things in an effort to draw me out (I've been NC with her for about 2-1/2 months). Her latest tactic has been to engage in a smear campaign against me which involved contacting every member of my extended FOO and filling them full of outrageous lies about me in an attempt to recruit an army of flying monkeys. Her vendetta culminated in a " campaign tour " of sorts ending up 600 miles away at my cousin's house in Florida. When my cousin didn't fall for her tricks and refused to play nada's game, nada got angry and left the very next day. > > Anyway, before she left to go on her *vacation*, she left me a phone message saying that she didn't know when she would be back, but when she did get back, she WOULD be coming over to my house and she expected to spend some time with HER grandchild. (Never mind asking, nada, just TELL me you're coming over....geez). > > So I kept asking myself, why is she doing this? It's like she WANTS me to be angry. She WANTS to keep me on the edge and guessing when she might just show up at my house DEMANDING that I talk to her and let her see MY daughter. Then, it dawned on me. She wants to make me angry not only to get back at me for going NC, but so I'll be good and pissed off whenever she does show up at my house unannounced. That way, she can provoke me into a fight, and she will get to, once again, play the VICTIM. It's her favorite role - the one she was born to play. > > It also occurred to me that this is the same sick, dysfunctional, family dynamic we had when I was growing up and she and my fada were still married. She knew fada was prone to rages, so she goaded and nagged him and picked and picked and picked at him until he finally couldn't take any more and exploded. Of course, she would yell and scream back at him. These almost daily yelling and screaming matches would always end with fada leaving, slamming the door behind him. Then, nada would collapse into a sobbing heap on the floor. Often, she would call my grandnada on the phone and cry to her about how horrible my fada had treated her. Quite often, she would embellish her story, add things or make things up that didn't happen, like fada hit her. However, she always conveniently left out the part where SHE started the fight in the first place! Of course, grandnada believed her. > > It's happening all over again, except this time she is trying to drag ME into the fight. I know no matter what, I can't let my anger get the best of me, because that is exactly what she wants. If I lose it and give her a piece of my mind, which is exactly what I want to do, then I'll just be playing right into her hands. She will get to play the victim again and point her finger at me and tell everybody, " see? see how she is? I TOLD you she hated me. She has an ANGER problem " . The only way I can *win* is to just not to play the game at all. That would mean stuffing all the anger down inside again, and honestly, I don't know if I'm strong enough to do that. > > As usual, I've rambled on long enough. Thanks everyone for the support and letting me vent. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 25, 2011 Report Share Posted July 25, 2011 Physical exercise is PERFECT for dealing with anger. 11e111: Start your martial arts class as soon as you can. If you're not sure, at least go to a trial class to see how you feel because i promise you it will help you deal with the anger. I used to be a competitive dancer. It was my life throughout my teenage years. Whenever i got frustrated with my nada and was confused about the emotions i was feeling i would go dance, even if it was just in my room with the music cranked up and the door locked. IT helped me channel my energy into something positive that was benefitting me. It got my heart-rate up, and i felt like i was sweating out all the bad stuff and breathing in good stuff. But, like you mentioned, nada didnt want me to have this energy that i got from my dancing, she was so JEALOUS of my energy and passion that she would beat me down. She told me i wasnt a good enough dancer when i went to competitions, she made me pay her back for all my dancing classes knowing that i couldnt pay for it. She stopped taking me to class (i couldnt drive yet) so i had to get a lift every time. And sometimes i couldnt go because of it. And just recently i realised that i have been living away from nada with my own life and income for over four years but i havent been allowing myself to go back to dance class. I guess i was brainwashed into thinking it was too expensive, and that it was a luxury i didnt have the right to. Far out these nadas and fadas talk us into all sorts of bullshit aye??! OF COURSE i have a right to get back into dancing. IT MAKES ME HAPPY!! so im going to book a term of dancing this weeek, and im going to invite my friend to go with me. I deserve it. > > > > I have been doing a lot of thinking today about anger. I had an ephiphany of sorts that I'd like to share with everyone, but I have a tendency to be long-winded, so I thought I'd start a new thread. > > > > Lately, it seems that nada is just hell-bent on getting into a confrontation with me. She has been doing all sorts of nasty, devious things in an effort to draw me out (I've been NC with her for about 2-1/2 months). Her latest tactic has been to engage in a smear campaign against me which involved contacting every member of my extended FOO and filling them full of outrageous lies about me in an attempt to recruit an army of flying monkeys. Her vendetta culminated in a " campaign tour " of sorts ending up 600 miles away at my cousin's house in Florida. When my cousin didn't fall for her tricks and refused to play nada's game, nada got angry and left the very next day. > > > > Anyway, before she left to go on her *vacation*, she left me a phone message saying that she didn't know when she would be back, but when she did get back, she WOULD be coming over to my house and she expected to spend some time with HER grandchild. (Never mind asking, nada, just TELL me you're coming over....geez). > > > > So I kept asking myself, why is she doing this? It's like she WANTS me to be angry. She WANTS to keep me on the edge and guessing when she might just show up at my house DEMANDING that I talk to her and let her see MY daughter. Then, it dawned on me. She wants to make me angry not only to get back at me for going NC, but so I'll be good and pissed off whenever she does show up at my house unannounced. That way, she can provoke me into a fight, and she will get to, once again, play the VICTIM. It's her favorite role - the one she was born to play. > > > > It also occurred to me that this is the same sick, dysfunctional, family dynamic we had when I was growing up and she and my fada were still married. She knew fada was prone to rages, so she goaded and nagged him and picked and picked and picked at him until he finally couldn't take any more and exploded. Of course, she would yell and scream back at him. These almost daily yelling and screaming matches would always end with fada leaving, slamming the door behind him. Then, nada would collapse into a sobbing heap on the floor. Often, she would call my grandnada on the phone and cry to her about how horrible my fada had treated her. Quite often, she would embellish her story, add things or make things up that didn't happen, like fada hit her. However, she always conveniently left out the part where SHE started the fight in the first place! Of course, grandnada believed her. > > > > It's happening all over again, except this time she is trying to drag ME into the fight. I know no matter what, I can't let my anger get the best of me, because that is exactly what she wants. If I lose it and give her a piece of my mind, which is exactly what I want to do, then I'll just be playing right into her hands. She will get to play the victim again and point her finger at me and tell everybody, " see? see how she is? I TOLD you she hated me. She has an ANGER problem " . The only way I can *win* is to just not to play the game at all. That would mean stuffing all the anger down inside again, and honestly, I don't know if I'm strong enough to do that. > > > > As usual, I've rambled on long enough. Thanks everyone for the support and letting me vent. > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 25, 2011 Report Share Posted July 25, 2011 I'm so glad this thread is going. All of your input has been fantastic. I guess I've just got a lot to get off my chest so this might be a long one. I've realized I'm really angry. I've never really let myself get mad about anything since I left believing anger was evil and wrong but I'm learning that's not the case. At the end of June this summer, thanks to a lovely chain of events thanks to my mother's lawyer's brilliant idea in her appeal of the custody battle for my siblings, I was forced to confront Nada all by myself with a court psychologist who knew very little about the severity of the case just sitting there. My three siblings and I had been made to believe that this would be no different from the times we'd had to describe our experiences to the social workers, psychologists and our guardian ad litem where we would be together and nada would be nowhere around. Imagine our surprise when we drive in and Nada is SITTING in the parking lot! We had to awkwardly make small talk in the waiting room with another psychologist (who we had presumed was the receptionist!) watched us. Nada revealed that she had already talked to this psychologist a couple times. I had to go first, by myself, and assumed I would just be describing my experiences to the stuffy and pretentious old guy, but NO! He drags Nada in halfway through and basically forces me to tell her I think she's an unfit mother! She of course is smiley throughout it and when I ask her why she's going through this farce, she replies that she's trying to figure out what went wrong with our family and fix things. I replied that I didn't see it that way. I have never been in more emotional pain since I left than that day. Seeing her completely oblivious to the damage she's done to me and my siblings and my dad and not really caring unless it suited her made me angry. Now, that rage hasn't really gone away and I'm not sure how to deal with it. I wrote her a really long letter telling her exactly why I couldn't have her in my life and asked for no contact and now that she's not in my life at all, I feel like this rage hindering me. She doesn't hurt me anymore, so why am I still hurting so badly? When I still lived at home, I used to confront Nada on the daily and call her out when she would go overboard with the attacks on brother. There, of course, would be hell to pay for weeks afterwards, but when she would attack my brothers, I just couldn't let up and it would often get to the point where I would be swearing at her while she threw everything in reach at me because she couldn't catch me. The yelling and screaming never helped anything. She never heard me no matter how many times I said it or how loudly I yelled. So now, I know confronting her won't help and releasing my anger at her doesn't do anything because she can just turn it back on me. I have a faint scar on my left cheek from her diamond ring when she backhanded me for telling her she was unfit to be a mother and just because she got knocked up didn't mean she knew anything about how to effectively raise children. It was always just an eye for an eye and didn't go anywhere constructive. I called her once before I sent her the letter just to yell at her. I was angry about her buying a wildly inappropriate bikini for my thirteen year old sister when I had been forbidden from wearing tank-tops and told her so. She just went waif-y and sobbed. I was left feeling just as angry as before as well as a bit guilty and frustrated. So my question is, how do I resolve this anger? She'll never realize what she's done or come to terms with it, so how do I let this go? How do I forgive myself for mirroring her monster at her and let go of the rage? > > > > > > I have been doing a lot of thinking today about anger. I had an ephiphany of sorts that I'd like to share with everyone, but I have a tendency to be long-winded, so I thought I'd start a new thread. > > > > > > Lately, it seems that nada is just hell-bent on getting into a confrontation with me. She has been doing all sorts of nasty, devious things in an effort to draw me out (I've been NC with her for about 2-1/2 months). Her latest tactic has been to engage in a smear campaign against me which involved contacting every member of my extended FOO and filling them full of outrageous lies about me in an attempt to recruit an army of flying monkeys. Her vendetta culminated in a " campaign tour " of sorts ending up 600 miles away at my cousin's house in Florida. When my cousin didn't fall for her tricks and refused to play nada's game, nada got angry and left the very next day. > > > > > > Anyway, before she left to go on her *vacation*, she left me a phone message saying that she didn't know when she would be back, but when she did get back, she WOULD be coming over to my house and she expected to spend some time with HER grandchild. (Never mind asking, nada, just TELL me you're coming over....geez). > > > > > > So I kept asking myself, why is she doing this? It's like she WANTS me to be angry. She WANTS to keep me on the edge and guessing when she might just show up at my house DEMANDING that I talk to her and let her see MY daughter. Then, it dawned on me. She wants to make me angry not only to get back at me for going NC, but so I'll be good and pissed off whenever she does show up at my house unannounced. That way, she can provoke me into a fight, and she will get to, once again, play the VICTIM. It's her favorite role - the one she was born to play. > > > > > > It also occurred to me that this is the same sick, dysfunctional, family dynamic we had when I was growing up and she and my fada were still married. She knew fada was prone to rages, so she goaded and nagged him and picked and picked and picked at him until he finally couldn't take any more and exploded. Of course, she would yell and scream back at him. These almost daily yelling and screaming matches would always end with fada leaving, slamming the door behind him. Then, nada would collapse into a sobbing heap on the floor. Often, she would call my grandnada on the phone and cry to her about how horrible my fada had treated her. Quite often, she would embellish her story, add things or make things up that didn't happen, like fada hit her. However, she always conveniently left out the part where SHE started the fight in the first place! Of course, grandnada believed her. > > > > > > It's happening all over again, except this time she is trying to drag ME into the fight. I know no matter what, I can't let my anger get the best of me, because that is exactly what she wants. If I lose it and give her a piece of my mind, which is exactly what I want to do, then I'll just be playing right into her hands. She will get to play the victim again and point her finger at me and tell everybody, " see? see how she is? I TOLD you she hated me. She has an ANGER problem " . The only way I can *win* is to just not to play the game at all. That would mean stuffing all the anger down inside again, and honestly, I don't know if I'm strong enough to do that. > > > > > > As usual, I've rambled on long enough. Thanks everyone for the support and letting me vent. > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 26, 2011 Report Share Posted July 26, 2011 This is so messed up. Not only do I accept your epiphany word for word, but I've seen this play out in my own family so many times. You are in a " no-win " position with her--she's scheduled you to be the Big Bad Wolf in her upcoming fairy tale. When I stopped providing nada with the reactions she had come to expect from me, I became useless to her, since she must have 1 or 2 active helpers to reinforce her victimization. What a waste of a life. You *should* feel anger about this manipulation--it's a huge transgression to put onto anyone, let alone by a parent toward a child. Would it help to envision her as a temper-tantrum throwing 2 year old, trying to get her way? You wouldn't lose your cool with a toddler, you'd get impatient, even miffed, but not fire back in anger. You'd probably try to turn the complaints into opportunities by looking for the " silver lining. " Maybe you can come to the point of thinking this way when nada visits or calls. So that no way, no how, are you going to let her take your peace from you. In all actuality, it doesn't even matter to her whether or not you lose your cool--because she's just going to lie to whoever will listen about what happens between you. (Enjoyed reading how she left the relative's house that wouldn't accept her lies.) I'm sure all her threats/implications are upsetting to hear, and likely make you feel physically ill. We've been raised to react like good little handmaidens and be whatever nada wanted us to be, to fix whatever nada wanted fixed. If she insists on visiting, you should insist the visit takes place in public. That way her theatrics can't get too far out of hand. Good luck! > > I have been doing a lot of thinking today about anger. I had an ephiphany of sorts that I'd like to share with everyone, but I have a tendency to be long-winded, so I thought I'd start a new thread. > > Lately, it seems that nada is just hell-bent on getting into a confrontation with me. She has been doing all sorts of nasty, devious things in an effort to draw me out (I've been NC with her for about 2-1/2 months). Her latest tactic has been to engage in a smear campaign against me which involved contacting every member of my extended FOO and filling them full of outrageous lies about me in an attempt to recruit an army of flying monkeys. Her vendetta culminated in a " campaign tour " of sorts ending up 600 miles away at my cousin's house in Florida. When my cousin didn't fall for her tricks and refused to play nada's game, nada got angry and left the very next day. > > Anyway, before she left to go on her *vacation*, she left me a phone message saying that she didn't know when she would be back, but when she did get back, she WOULD be coming over to my house and she expected to spend some time with HER grandchild. (Never mind asking, nada, just TELL me you're coming over....geez). > > So I kept asking myself, why is she doing this? It's like she WANTS me to be angry. She WANTS to keep me on the edge and guessing when she might just show up at my house DEMANDING that I talk to her and let her see MY daughter. Then, it dawned on me. She wants to make me angry not only to get back at me for going NC, but so I'll be good and pissed off whenever she does show up at my house unannounced. That way, she can provoke me into a fight, and she will get to, once again, play the VICTIM. It's her favorite role - the one she was born to play. > > It also occurred to me that this is the same sick, dysfunctional, family dynamic we had when I was growing up and she and my fada were still married. She knew fada was prone to rages, so she goaded and nagged him and picked and picked and picked at him until he finally couldn't take any more and exploded. Of course, she would yell and scream back at him. These almost daily yelling and screaming matches would always end with fada leaving, slamming the door behind him. Then, nada would collapse into a sobbing heap on the floor. Often, she would call my grandnada on the phone and cry to her about how horrible my fada had treated her. Quite often, she would embellish her story, add things or make things up that didn't happen, like fada hit her. However, she always conveniently left out the part where SHE started the fight in the first place! Of course, grandnada believed her. > > It's happening all over again, except this time she is trying to drag ME into the fight. I know no matter what, I can't let my anger get the best of me, because that is exactly what she wants. If I lose it and give her a piece of my mind, which is exactly what I want to do, then I'll just be playing right into her hands. She will get to play the victim again and point her finger at me and tell everybody, " see? see how she is? I TOLD you she hated me. She has an ANGER problem " . The only way I can *win* is to just not to play the game at all. That would mean stuffing all the anger down inside again, and honestly, I don't know if I'm strong enough to do that. > > As usual, I've rambled on long enough. Thanks everyone for the support and letting me vent. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 26, 2011 Report Share Posted July 26, 2011 Do you journal, too? Write her angry letters (never planning to send). It can be very cathartic to write a letter, then tear them up into pieces and burn them. Or pee on them--depends on how you are feeling about what you wrote. Nadas/fadas took our power away to be ourselves. They turned us into little sin eaters, little flying monkeys, bad seeds, hated children, and codependents to do their bidding, peace keeping. Or worse, the tried to turn us into their clones! All this suppression of self builds into years of suppressed anger. We hate our anger, because without it we could still hold a child-like love for our BPD parent--like the dog who still idolizes an abusive master. There comes a time when our anger cannot be denied, it must all be let out. We need to take our power back, the power taken from us by nada/fada. I've been processing anger from childhood, different ways, for over 15 years. Not all at once, but in cycles that come. It took me 20 yeas of nada's f*ed up parenting to get me this messed up--I suppose it'll take me at least 20 years to undo all the damage. Exercise is a great way to burn through anger too--or at least get real clear about what the anger is about. Doesn't even have to be hard exercise. Walking will do. But you want to get into the 'zone' and for that I need to be alone with my thoughts, not with company. > > I have a question for all the insightful people in the group about dealing with the anger thing. I think I understand the " medium chill " technique and I know responding to the goading with anger just adds fuel to the fire, but I don't know what to do with the anger after that. I can't seem to find another way to redirect it so it doesn't just sit there and stew. I've tried punching bags/pillows, going somewhere alone and just yelling, or talking it out with someone else and these things kind of help clear the surface of the problem but never get down to the root. The problem is that I'm not really mad at an inanimate object, I'm mad at HER for her lying, manipulation, guilt tripping, abuse, and general over-the-top obnoxious bitchyness. Obviously I can't direct the anger at her like I could any rational person. It seems wrong to just " let it go " because it's justifiable. I just feel stuck. > > Sometimes I just want to blast her " hadouken " -style into smoke and just be done with the whole mess. >_< > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 26, 2011 Report Share Posted July 26, 2011 One of our posters here joined a gym and took up boxing/MMA. Last time she posted about it, she felt great and had found her niche to deal with her anger. > > > > I have been doing a lot of thinking today about anger. I had an ephiphany of sorts that I'd like to share with everyone, but I have a tendency to be long-winded, so I thought I'd start a new thread. > > > > Lately, it seems that nada is just hell-bent on getting into a confrontation with me. She has been doing all sorts of nasty, devious things in an effort to draw me out (I've been NC with her for about 2-1/2 months). Her latest tactic has been to engage in a smear campaign against me which involved contacting every member of my extended FOO and filling them full of outrageous lies about me in an attempt to recruit an army of flying monkeys. Her vendetta culminated in a " campaign tour " of sorts ending up 600 miles away at my cousin's house in Florida. When my cousin didn't fall for her tricks and refused to play nada's game, nada got angry and left the very next day. > > > > Anyway, before she left to go on her *vacation*, she left me a phone message saying that she didn't know when she would be back, but when she did get back, she WOULD be coming over to my house and she expected to spend some time with HER grandchild. (Never mind asking, nada, just TELL me you're coming over....geez). > > > > So I kept asking myself, why is she doing this? It's like she WANTS me to be angry. She WANTS to keep me on the edge and guessing when she might just show up at my house DEMANDING that I talk to her and let her see MY daughter. Then, it dawned on me. She wants to make me angry not only to get back at me for going NC, but so I'll be good and pissed off whenever she does show up at my house unannounced. That way, she can provoke me into a fight, and she will get to, once again, play the VICTIM. It's her favorite role - the one she was born to play. > > > > It also occurred to me that this is the same sick, dysfunctional, family dynamic we had when I was growing up and she and my fada were still married. She knew fada was prone to rages, so she goaded and nagged him and picked and picked and picked at him until he finally couldn't take any more and exploded. Of course, she would yell and scream back at him. These almost daily yelling and screaming matches would always end with fada leaving, slamming the door behind him. Then, nada would collapse into a sobbing heap on the floor. Often, she would call my grandnada on the phone and cry to her about how horrible my fada had treated her. Quite often, she would embellish her story, add things or make things up that didn't happen, like fada hit her. However, she always conveniently left out the part where SHE started the fight in the first place! Of course, grandnada believed her. > > > > It's happening all over again, except this time she is trying to drag ME into the fight. I know no matter what, I can't let my anger get the best of me, because that is exactly what she wants. If I lose it and give her a piece of my mind, which is exactly what I want to do, then I'll just be playing right into her hands. She will get to play the victim again and point her finger at me and tell everybody, " see? see how she is? I TOLD you she hated me. She has an ANGER problem " . The only way I can *win* is to just not to play the game at all. That would mean stuffing all the anger down inside again, and honestly, I don't know if I'm strong enough to do that. > > > > As usual, I've rambled on long enough. Thanks everyone for the support and letting me vent. > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 26, 2011 Report Share Posted July 26, 2011 You have never been in a position of looking at your life retrospectively before this. It was all about survival before. Your anger and rage at her in the past was to protect yourself or protect your siblings. Now you have the distance to finally look over it all consider the abuse in depth. It takes time, and it hurts. To go from survival mode to feeling safe is it's own type of shock. To paraphrase you: You realize that she is nowhere sane enough to understand what she's done. Yelling at her about it would just make you feel like a bully. You need an outlet. Exercise, journaling, bat therapy, psychotherapy, meditation. Some of us have done inner child work, some of us have chosen to parent animals to nurture ourselves. You'll figure out what works the best for you. But this process takes awhile--you are already on your way. <<HUGS>> > > I'm so glad this thread is going. All of your input has been fantastic. I guess I've just got a lot to get off my chest so this might be a long one. > > I've realized I'm really angry. I've never really let myself get mad about anything since I left believing anger was evil and wrong but I'm learning that's not the case. > At the end of June this summer, thanks to a lovely chain of events thanks to my mother's lawyer's brilliant idea in her appeal of the custody battle for my siblings, I was forced to confront Nada all by myself with a court psychologist who knew very little about the severity of the case just sitting there. My three siblings and I had been made to believe that this would be no different from the times we'd had to describe our experiences to the social workers, psychologists and our guardian ad litem where we would be together and nada would be nowhere around. Imagine our surprise when we drive in and Nada is SITTING in the parking lot! We had to awkwardly make small talk in the waiting room with another psychologist (who we had presumed was the receptionist!) watched us. Nada revealed that she had already talked to this psychologist a couple times. > I had to go first, by myself, and assumed I would just be describing my experiences to the stuffy and pretentious old guy, but NO! He drags Nada in halfway through and basically forces me to tell her I think she's an unfit mother! She of course is smiley throughout it and when I ask her why she's going through this farce, she replies that she's trying to figure out what went wrong with our family and fix things. I replied that I didn't see it that way. > I have never been in more emotional pain since I left than that day. Seeing her completely oblivious to the damage she's done to me and my siblings and my dad and not really caring unless it suited her made me angry. Now, that rage hasn't really gone away and I'm not sure how to deal with it. I wrote her a really long letter telling her exactly why I couldn't have her in my life and asked for no contact and now that she's not in my life at all, I feel like this rage hindering me. She doesn't hurt me anymore, so why am I still hurting so badly? > > When I still lived at home, I used to confront Nada on the daily and call her out when she would go overboard with the attacks on brother. There, of course, would be hell to pay for weeks afterwards, but when she would attack my brothers, I just couldn't let up and it would often get to the point where I would be swearing at her while she threw everything in reach at me because she couldn't catch me. The yelling and screaming never helped anything. She never heard me no matter how many times I said it or how loudly I yelled. So now, I know confronting her won't help and releasing my anger at her doesn't do anything because she can just turn it back on me. I have a faint scar on my left cheek from her diamond ring when she backhanded me for telling her she was unfit to be a mother and just because she got knocked up didn't mean she knew anything about how to effectively raise children. It was always just an eye for an eye and didn't go anywhere constructive. > I called her once before I sent her the letter just to yell at her. I was angry about her buying a wildly inappropriate bikini for my thirteen year old sister when I had been forbidden from wearing tank-tops and told her so. She just went waif-y and sobbed. I was left feeling just as angry as before as well as a bit guilty and frustrated. > > So my question is, how do I resolve this anger? She'll never realize what she's done or come to terms with it, so how do I let this go? How do I forgive myself for mirroring her monster at her and let go of the rage? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 26, 2011 Report Share Posted July 26, 2011 the image i had in my head was about judo, how they say that what you are doing is taking the energy of that person and using it against them, using THEIR energy to defend yourself. in al-anon they talk about letting the energy of the abuser 'go around' you. I was taught as a child to take it into my very core, and it damaged me very much. for whatever reason, it took until my forties to understand NOT to take that energy into my core being. I can't really fathom why it took so long for me to figure out I was dealing with it exactly the wrong way...not just taking it into my core from nada/fada and my sister to some degree because she was always in on the games my family played, she loved aiding and abetting my parents in their torture, but taking it in from the WHOLE WORLD. I was like a one trick pony, this was the only way I even knew how to relate in the world. It makes me sad to think about how I threw myself up on the cross for anyone that came along, I handed them the hammer and nails. > > > > > > I have been doing a lot of thinking today about anger. I had an ephiphany of sorts that I'd like to share with everyone, but I have a tendency to be long-winded, so I thought I'd start a new thread. > > > > > > Lately, it seems that nada is just hell-bent on getting into a confrontation with me. She has been doing all sorts of nasty, devious things in an effort to draw me out (I've been NC with her for about 2-1/2 months). Her latest tactic has been to engage in a smear campaign against me which involved contacting every member of my extended FOO and filling them full of outrageous lies about me in an attempt to recruit an army of flying monkeys. Her vendetta culminated in a " campaign tour " of sorts ending up 600 miles away at my cousin's house in Florida. When my cousin didn't fall for her tricks and refused to play nada's game, nada got angry and left the very next day. > > > > > > Anyway, before she left to go on her *vacation*, she left me a phone message saying that she didn't know when she would be back, but when she did get back, she WOULD be coming over to my house and she expected to spend some time with HER grandchild. (Never mind asking, nada, just TELL me you're coming over....geez). > > > > > > So I kept asking myself, why is she doing this? It's like she WANTS me to be angry. She WANTS to keep me on the edge and guessing when she might just show up at my house DEMANDING that I talk to her and let her see MY daughter. Then, it dawned on me. She wants to make me angry not only to get back at me for going NC, but so I'll be good and pissed off whenever she does show up at my house unannounced. That way, she can provoke me into a fight, and she will get to, once again, play the VICTIM. It's her favorite role - the one she was born to play. > > > > > > It also occurred to me that this is the same sick, dysfunctional, family dynamic we had when I was growing up and she and my fada were still married. She knew fada was prone to rages, so she goaded and nagged him and picked and picked and picked at him until he finally couldn't take any more and exploded. Of course, she would yell and scream back at him. These almost daily yelling and screaming matches would always end with fada leaving, slamming the door behind him. Then, nada would collapse into a sobbing heap on the floor. Often, she would call my grandnada on the phone and cry to her about how horrible my fada had treated her. Quite often, she would embellish her story, add things or make things up that didn't happen, like fada hit her. However, she always conveniently left out the part where SHE started the fight in the first place! Of course, grandnada believed her. > > > > > > It's happening all over again, except this time she is trying to drag ME into the fight. I know no matter what, I can't let my anger get the best of me, because that is exactly what she wants. If I lose it and give her a piece of my mind, which is exactly what I want to do, then I'll just be playing right into her hands. She will get to play the victim again and point her finger at me and tell everybody, " see? see how she is? I TOLD you she hated me. She has an ANGER problem " . The only way I can *win* is to just not to play the game at all. That would mean stuffing all the anger down inside again, and honestly, I don't know if I'm strong enough to do that. > > > > > > As usual, I've rambled on long enough. Thanks everyone for the support and letting me vent. > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 26, 2011 Report Share Posted July 26, 2011 ugh, how awful that she's playing your extended family against you. I 'm glad you cousin saw right through her. I'm with you on the repressed anger. I need a way to let it out b/c apparently I'm not allowed to be angry or displeased with nada. Otherwise, her waify self will fall apart. You're right, though; in your case, your nada will use it against you to the hilt. Best to just use Medium Chill on her and let her stew. btw, her " wish " to see her grandchild sounded more like a threat. Sheesh. Fiona > > I have been doing a lot of thinking today about anger. I had an ephiphany of sorts that I'd like to share with everyone, but I have a tendency to be long-winded, so I thought I'd start a new thread. > > Lately, it seems that nada is just hell-bent on getting into a confrontation with me. She has been doing all sorts of nasty, devious things in an effort to draw me out (I've been NC with her for about 2-1/2 months). Her latest tactic has been to engage in a smear campaign against me which involved contacting every member of my extended FOO and filling them full of outrageous lies about me in an attempt to recruit an army of flying monkeys. Her vendetta culminated in a " campaign tour " of sorts ending up 600 miles away at my cousin's house in Florida. When my cousin didn't fall for her tricks and refused to play nada's game, nada got angry and left the very next day. > > Anyway, before she left to go on her *vacation*, she left me a phone message saying that she didn't know when she would be back, but when she did get back, she WOULD be coming over to my house and she expected to spend some time with HER grandchild. (Never mind asking, nada, just TELL me you're coming over....geez). > > So I kept asking myself, why is she doing this? It's like she WANTS me to be angry. She WANTS to keep me on the edge and guessing when she might just show up at my house DEMANDING that I talk to her and let her see MY daughter. Then, it dawned on me. She wants to make me angry not only to get back at me for going NC, but so I'll be good and pissed off whenever she does show up at my house unannounced. That way, she can provoke me into a fight, and she will get to, once again, play the VICTIM. It's her favorite role - the one she was born to play. > > It also occurred to me that this is the same sick, dysfunctional, family dynamic we had when I was growing up and she and my fada were still married. She knew fada was prone to rages, so she goaded and nagged him and picked and picked and picked at him until he finally couldn't take any more and exploded. Of course, she would yell and scream back at him. These almost daily yelling and screaming matches would always end with fada leaving, slamming the door behind him. Then, nada would collapse into a sobbing heap on the floor. Often, she would call my grandnada on the phone and cry to her about how horrible my fada had treated her. Quite often, she would embellish her story, add things or make things up that didn't happen, like fada hit her. However, she always conveniently left out the part where SHE started the fight in the first place! Of course, grandnada believed her. > > It's happening all over again, except this time she is trying to drag ME into the fight. I know no matter what, I can't let my anger get the best of me, because that is exactly what she wants. If I lose it and give her a piece of my mind, which is exactly what I want to do, then I'll just be playing right into her hands. She will get to play the victim again and point her finger at me and tell everybody, " see? see how she is? I TOLD you she hated me. She has an ANGER problem " . The only way I can *win* is to just not to play the game at all. That would mean stuffing all the anger down inside again, and honestly, I don't know if I'm strong enough to do that. > > As usual, I've rambled on long enough. Thanks everyone for the support and letting me vent. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 26, 2011 Report Share Posted July 26, 2011 , you crack me up!! I almost spit my cereal up! I love that idea; laughter is better than anger. Though, , I also struggle with unexpressed anger and I wonder if I should take martial arts classes. I keep telling my kids THEY should and they have absolutely no interest. I'm realizing I keep telling them because **I** should! > > If you can ever get to the point where you can laugh about the ridiculous crap she pulls, it will help immensely. > > My Nada is old and infirm, I'm helping to pay her bills, I have to fetch and carry stuff she wants at The Home where she lives, and she still - STILL - does this meticulous process of pushing my buttons until she finds something that will tick me off to the point that I'll react. > > It really helps to have staff and friends (who know the score) to talk to, and to frame her behavior in " Nada's latest looniness " terms. She's batshit crazy, and apparently she's the only one who doesn't realize it. > > If you ever watched That 70's Show on TV, you'll be familiar with the father's (Red Foreman) catchline - every time he has to deal with his hapless son, he makes whatever pronouncement he has to make, then hesitates a minute and mutters, " ....Dumbass... " That's sort of what I do with Nada when she lights into me or tries to start a fight or undermine my good mood. This last Sunday I just stood up, got my purse, and said, " Ohhhhh-kayyyy.... have a nice day. " And as I shut the door to her room, I muttered to myself, " ...Dumbass... " > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 26, 2011 Report Share Posted July 26, 2011 " So my question is, how do I resolve this anger? She'll never realize what she's done or come to terms with it, so how do I let this go? How do I forgive myself for mirroring her monster at her and let go of the rage? " Clefairy, so sorry for all the pain; it sounds like your pain is increased at seeing your siblings' suffering. You know, I'm just realizing NOW, at 43, how angry I still am. Now I know why I'm always so sarcastic and on edge. I'm angry. It's like holding back water on a vigorous spout. I feel like someone's finally let go of the spout and the water is gushing out. I mean, I'm not screaming and hollering at people, but I'm accepting the anger. It's there. My anger is at her for suppressing me, holding me back, keeping me tied down, smothering me. It's like caging an animal. Now the cage is open but it's scary to venture out. My therapist says to just breathe in, acknowledge the rage, accept it, and let it out. It helps a bit. Exercise does help a LOT. Maybe for you it will need to be something like kickboxing. I don't know. I do wish healing for you and your siblings. Hugs, Fiona > > I'm so glad this thread is going. All of your input has been fantastic. I guess I've just got a lot to get off my chest so this might be a long one. > > I've realized I'm really angry. I've never really let myself get mad about anything since I left believing anger was evil and wrong but I'm learning that's not the case. > At the end of June this summer, thanks to a lovely chain of events thanks to my mother's lawyer's brilliant idea in her appeal of the custody battle for my siblings, I was forced to confront Nada all by myself with a court psychologist who knew very little about the severity of the case just sitting there. My three siblings and I had been made to believe that this would be no different from the times we'd had to describe our experiences to the social workers, psychologists and our guardian ad litem where we would be together and nada would be nowhere around. Imagine our surprise when we drive in and Nada is SITTING in the parking lot! We had to awkwardly make small talk in the waiting room with another psychologist (who we had presumed was the receptionist!) watched us. Nada revealed that she had already talked to this psychologist a couple times. > I had to go first, by myself, and assumed I would just be describing my experiences to the stuffy and pretentious old guy, but NO! He drags Nada in halfway through and basically forces me to tell her I think she's an unfit mother! She of course is smiley throughout it and when I ask her why she's going through this farce, she replies that she's trying to figure out what went wrong with our family and fix things. I replied that I didn't see it that way. > I have never been in more emotional pain since I left than that day. Seeing her completely oblivious to the damage she's done to me and my siblings and my dad and not really caring unless it suited her made me angry. Now, that rage hasn't really gone away and I'm not sure how to deal with it. I wrote her a really long letter telling her exactly why I couldn't have her in my life and asked for no contact and now that she's not in my life at all, I feel like this rage hindering me. She doesn't hurt me anymore, so why am I still hurting so badly? > > When I still lived at home, I used to confront Nada on the daily and call her out when she would go overboard with the attacks on brother. There, of course, would be hell to pay for weeks afterwards, but when she would attack my brothers, I just couldn't let up and it would often get to the point where I would be swearing at her while she threw everything in reach at me because she couldn't catch me. The yelling and screaming never helped anything. She never heard me no matter how many times I said it or how loudly I yelled. So now, I know confronting her won't help and releasing my anger at her doesn't do anything because she can just turn it back on me. I have a faint scar on my left cheek from her diamond ring when she backhanded me for telling her she was unfit to be a mother and just because she got knocked up didn't mean she knew anything about how to effectively raise children. It was always just an eye for an eye and didn't go anywhere constructive. > I called her once before I sent her the letter just to yell at her. I was angry about her buying a wildly inappropriate bikini for my thirteen year old sister when I had been forbidden from wearing tank-tops and told her so. She just went waif-y and sobbed. I was left feeling just as angry as before as well as a bit guilty and frustrated. > > So my question is, how do I resolve this anger? She'll never realize what she's done or come to terms with it, so how do I let this go? How do I forgive myself for mirroring her monster at her and let go of the rage? > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 26, 2011 Report Share Posted July 26, 2011 If I were younger I think I would take a martial arts class or a boxing class; the idea of just " whaling the tar " out of a punching bag or a dummy sounds very appealing to me. About 15 or so years ago I took a one-day " dirty street fighting " class (women's self-defense class) given by our local police department, and that was really... cathartic! An officer was playing the role of our " attacker " and he was so padded and armored he looked like a giant pudgy mummy-doll or something; the whole idea was to *not hold back* and to *make* ourselves punch and kick the attacker as hard as we could. The attack moves they taught us were easy, the incredibly difficult part was to overcome my inhibition to deliberately try to hurt another person. Most of us there were 30-50 year old women, and we shared that we all felt that same restriction: that its NOT OK to hit back, meaning to really deliberately injure another person, even if that other person is trying to kill you! That was the goal of the class: to allow ourselves to defend ourselves. I think that had a great deal of impact on me as a KO.... the notion that its OK to defend myself from an attacker. -Annie > > > > If you can ever get to the point where you can laugh about the ridiculous crap she pulls, it will help immensely. > > > > My Nada is old and infirm, I'm helping to pay her bills, I have to fetch and carry stuff she wants at The Home where she lives, and she still - STILL - does this meticulous process of pushing my buttons until she finds something that will tick me off to the point that I'll react. > > > > It really helps to have staff and friends (who know the score) to talk to, and to frame her behavior in " Nada's latest looniness " terms. She's batshit crazy, and apparently she's the only one who doesn't realize it. > > > > If you ever watched That 70's Show on TV, you'll be familiar with the father's (Red Foreman) catchline - every time he has to deal with his hapless son, he makes whatever pronouncement he has to make, then hesitates a minute and mutters, " ....Dumbass... " That's sort of what I do with Nada when she lights into me or tries to start a fight or undermine my good mood. This last Sunday I just stood up, got my purse, and said, " Ohhhhh-kayyyy.... have a nice day. " And as I shut the door to her room, I muttered to myself, " ...Dumbass... " > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 26, 2011 Report Share Posted July 26, 2011 Maybe you should! My DH and children took a local form of karate about 15 years go. They wanted me to join, but all I could think was " I don't think I could get hit and be emotionally ok with taking a blow. " That was before I understood my FOO was full of abuse, just not so much the physical kind. Maybe I'm just a wimp--but getting hit seems very frightening to me, and I am afraid to hit another being, too. > > > > If you can ever get to the point where you can laugh about the ridiculous crap she pulls, it will help immensely. > > > > My Nada is old and infirm, I'm helping to pay her bills, I have to fetch and carry stuff she wants at The Home where she lives, and she still - STILL - does this meticulous process of pushing my buttons until she finds something that will tick me off to the point that I'll react. > > > > It really helps to have staff and friends (who know the score) to talk to, and to frame her behavior in " Nada's latest looniness " terms. She's batshit crazy, and apparently she's the only one who doesn't realize it. > > > > If you ever watched That 70's Show on TV, you'll be familiar with the father's (Red Foreman) catchline - every time he has to deal with his hapless son, he makes whatever pronouncement he has to make, then hesitates a minute and mutters, " ....Dumbass... " That's sort of what I do with Nada when she lights into me or tries to start a fight or undermine my good mood. This last Sunday I just stood up, got my purse, and said, " Ohhhhh-kayyyy.... have a nice day. " And as I shut the door to her room, I muttered to myself, " ...Dumbass... " > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 26, 2011 Report Share Posted July 26, 2011 Fiona and Echobabe, Thank you for your well-put suggestions. I always cry when I know people really understand what I'm saying. It means a lot. Exercise is pretty much the only thing keeping me sane at this point. I did my first sprint triathlon this summer and I've been thinking about kickboxing. It sounds awesome. I need to find something that I can get this anger out, and sometimes cycling just doesn't do it. I like to joke that I'm fueled by green tea and a deep-seated rage. Most people find it funny as I'm a petite, extraverted vegetarian girl, but it's a lot more true than I let on Fiona, your metaphor for the caged animal just makes so much sense. I feel like I've been tied down and locked up my whole life and now I'm second guessing so many things and questioning what I can do. Now I've got my whole life ahead of me and I'll take my revenge by having the best life possible for myself, complete with an inner peace, self-acceptance and fulfilling, non-abusive relationships with those around me. I think what's been the hardest is figuring out that when I get really angry over stupid things, it's not because I'm an irritable or angry person, but rather because I'm bottling it up with things that do matter and eventually spilling over with things that don't matter. It's been tough regulating and understanding emotions, which I've read is quite common. > > > > I'm so glad this thread is going. All of your input has been fantastic. I guess I've just got a lot to get off my chest so this might be a long one. > > > > I've realized I'm really angry. I've never really let myself get mad about anything since I left believing anger was evil and wrong but I'm learning that's not the case. > > At the end of June this summer, thanks to a lovely chain of events thanks to my mother's lawyer's brilliant idea in her appeal of the custody battle for my siblings, I was forced to confront Nada all by myself with a court psychologist who knew very little about the severity of the case just sitting there. My three siblings and I had been made to believe that this would be no different from the times we'd had to describe our experiences to the social workers, psychologists and our guardian ad litem where we would be together and nada would be nowhere around. Imagine our surprise when we drive in and Nada is SITTING in the parking lot! We had to awkwardly make small talk in the waiting room with another psychologist (who we had presumed was the receptionist!) watched us. Nada revealed that she had already talked to this psychologist a couple times. > > I had to go first, by myself, and assumed I would just be describing my experiences to the stuffy and pretentious old guy, but NO! He drags Nada in halfway through and basically forces me to tell her I think she's an unfit mother! She of course is smiley throughout it and when I ask her why she's going through this farce, she replies that she's trying to figure out what went wrong with our family and fix things. I replied that I didn't see it that way. > > I have never been in more emotional pain since I left than that day. Seeing her completely oblivious to the damage she's done to me and my siblings and my dad and not really caring unless it suited her made me angry. Now, that rage hasn't really gone away and I'm not sure how to deal with it. I wrote her a really long letter telling her exactly why I couldn't have her in my life and asked for no contact and now that she's not in my life at all, I feel like this rage hindering me. She doesn't hurt me anymore, so why am I still hurting so badly? > > > > When I still lived at home, I used to confront Nada on the daily and call her out when she would go overboard with the attacks on brother. There, of course, would be hell to pay for weeks afterwards, but when she would attack my brothers, I just couldn't let up and it would often get to the point where I would be swearing at her while she threw everything in reach at me because she couldn't catch me. The yelling and screaming never helped anything. She never heard me no matter how many times I said it or how loudly I yelled. So now, I know confronting her won't help and releasing my anger at her doesn't do anything because she can just turn it back on me. I have a faint scar on my left cheek from her diamond ring when she backhanded me for telling her she was unfit to be a mother and just because she got knocked up didn't mean she knew anything about how to effectively raise children. It was always just an eye for an eye and didn't go anywhere constructive. > > I called her once before I sent her the letter just to yell at her. I was angry about her buying a wildly inappropriate bikini for my thirteen year old sister when I had been forbidden from wearing tank-tops and told her so. She just went waif-y and sobbed. I was left feeling just as angry as before as well as a bit guilty and frustrated. > > > > So my question is, how do I resolve this anger? She'll never realize what she's done or come to terms with it, so how do I let this go? How do I forgive myself for mirroring her monster at her and let go of the rage? > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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