Re: Off topic - Addiction admitted

[Guest guest]

Hi

This sounds very difficult. You may want to look into " intimacy " on google. What

youre describing along with him having a bpd ex makes me think theres something

there. At the risk of offending you....its nice that youre advocating on behalf

of your stepkids but i really wish your husband didnt have you stressed out

doing his job for him. Sorry if im offending you but i wanted to say this when

you were posting about the showdown. Good luck.

Sent from my mobile device.

> Well, my husband finally realizes he is a computer addict. I've been

> trying to get concerns through to him for years and no luck. He

> finally realizes it is a problem and is impacting his life as well as

> our life together.

>

> He works afternoons. He gets off at 11pm and comes home & sits on the

> PC all night, usually coming to bed between 4am and 6pm. He then has

> to get up by 11am to pick up his 5 year old son to take him to

> preschool by noon. Then he comes home & goes back to sleep until it's

> time to go to work. This is a daily issue.

>

> He's always complaining he is tired and he often turns his alarm off

> in his sleep. So to remedy this, we put his alarm clock across the

> room. But sadly, he just gets up, turns it off, and goes back to bed.

>

> He will help out around the house but it is far from consistent. Our

> apartment has exploded a bit (not like awful, but it's certainly not

> where I like it) because I have been far from motivated to do all this

> by my damn self. Especially with returning to work on Monday.

>

> I've been trying to tell him for ages that the reason he's tired is he

> gets very little sleep night after night, doesn't eat before going to

> work & often not at all while at work. It's a HUGE problem. (Yet I

> still married him in September... I love him, but I'm kinda wishing I

> hadn't sometimes!)

>

> He blows off everything to play games on the PC.

>

> So when he came to bed at 5am this morning, cursing, I woke up. I

> asked what was up, he said, " I didn't mean to stay up this late. I'm

> really pissed at myself. I really have to delete all my games off the

> computer tomorrow. I keep meaning to come to bed earlier but I lose

> track of time. "

>

> Given he will just turn off his alarm & go back to sleep, I have

> (after discussing with my therapist today) decided to install a

> parental control program that will block out times that the computer

> cannot be used.

>

> It is such a huge issue. He blows me off for the computer regularly.

> Yet I still married him!!! Yes, I love him very much but good grief,

> what was I thinking? I should have waited until this issue was

> completely resolved. He'll do " good " for a week and then slip back

> into being constantly on the computer.

>

> Really needed to vent. Really not looking forward to him coming home

> tonight & me having to tell him that the computer is restricted from

> now on. He's an adult, not a kid, but I really see no other way. Any

> time I've tried to talk to him about this, ask him how I can help him,

> what he thinks he can do to help himself, he says, " I don't know " .

> So... Urg. I'm taking charge.

>

> Wish us both luck.

>

> Mia

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks Millicent. And no, you have not offended me at all. In fact,

you're simply pointing out something I'm aware of and have talked with

husband about. Which is why I told him I was stepping back from being

involved with the kids. Now, I feel like I need to do the same with

him and his crap too. I'm not his mother or his personal secretary.

Today is a perfect example. He got up to walk across the room & turn

off his alarm, then went back to bed. At ten after 11, I woke him up

to ask him if he was taking his son to school. He hadn't reset his

alarm. If I hadn't woken him up, he wouldn't have gotten up to take

him to school.

I contemplated for a moment just letting him sleep & having to suffer

the consequences of his own decision, but that would have just made

things uglier between him & likely BPD ex. Plus it isn't fair to his

son who deserves his education.

As for googling " intimacy " , I'm not sure what you mean? Do you think

he has intimacy issues due to having a likely BPD ex? That is

something I've thought of, too. When I try to talk to him about stuff

like this, he gets all kinds of defensive on me. He has said straight

out that it's because of how his ex used to scream at him. I remind

him that I'm not her. It's very similar to PTSD traits with reacting

to a situation due to past experience, not present experiences.

He does have inattentive ADD. I have said to my T that it's like

living with the absent minded professor. Also, when he's into

whatever he's doing (usually computer... 99.9% of the time), it's like

he has blinders on to the rest of the world.

*sigh* I love him so so much, but it's getting very hard to live with

him. Like I said, I could kick myself in the ass for actually

marrying him. Not because I'm not in love with him (I am, very much),

but because I'm afraid if he doesn't start taking responsibility for

himself & his kids we're going to end up apart; separated or divorced.

T did say that it's ok for me to kind of put consequences to him for

his actions, or lack thereof. Kind of like how we have to talk to BPD

people... we have to be the adult & give these " teen " -behaving people

consequences. So, I guess I'm going to have to do that with him.

Anyway, sorry. Rambling. Just very frustrated & hurt... sad.

Thanks again.

Mia

>

>

>

> Hi

> This sounds very difficult. You may want to look into " intimacy " on

> google. What youre describing along with him having a bpd ex makes me think

> theres something there. At the risk of offending you....its nice that youre

> advocating on behalf of your stepkids but i really wish your husband didnt

> have you stressed out doing his job for him. Sorry if im offending you but i

> wanted to say this when you were posting about the showdown. Good luck.

>

> Sent from my mobile device.

>

>

>

>

>

> > Well, my husband finally realizes he is a computer addict. I've been

> > trying to get concerns through to him for years and no luck. He

> > finally realizes it is a problem and is impacting his life as well as

> > our life together.

> >

> > He works afternoons. He gets off at 11pm and comes home & sits on the

> > PC all night, usually coming to bed between 4am and 6pm. He then has

> > to get up by 11am to pick up his 5 year old son to take him to

> > preschool by noon. Then he comes home & goes back to sleep until it's

> > time to go to work. This is a daily issue.

> >

> > He's always complaining he is tired and he often turns his alarm off

> > in his sleep. So to remedy this, we put his alarm clock across the

> > room. But sadly, he just gets up, turns it off, and goes back to bed.

> >

> > He will help out around the house but it is far from consistent. Our

> > apartment has exploded a bit (not like awful, but it's certainly not

> > where I like it) because I have been far from motivated to do all this

> > by my damn self. Especially with returning to work on Monday.

> >

> > I've been trying to tell him for ages that the reason he's tired is he

> > gets very little sleep night after night, doesn't eat before going to

> > work & often not at all while at work. It's a HUGE problem. (Yet I

> > still married him in September... I love him, but I'm kinda wishing I

> > hadn't sometimes!)

> >

> > He blows off everything to play games on the PC.

> >

> > So when he came to bed at 5am this morning, cursing, I woke up. I

> > asked what was up, he said, " I didn't mean to stay up this late. I'm

> > really pissed at myself. I really have to delete all my games off the

> > computer tomorrow. I keep meaning to come to bed earlier but I lose

> > track of time. "

> >

> > Given he will just turn off his alarm & go back to sleep, I have

> > (after discussing with my therapist today) decided to install a

> > parental control program that will block out times that the computer

> > cannot be used.

> >

> > It is such a huge issue. He blows me off for the computer regularly.

> > Yet I still married him!!! Yes, I love him very much but good grief,

> > what was I thinking? I should have waited until this issue was

> > completely resolved. He'll do " good " for a week and then slip back

> > into being constantly on the computer.

> >

> > Really needed to vent. Really not looking forward to him coming home

> > tonight & me having to tell him that the computer is restricted from

> > now on. He's an adult, not a kid, but I really see no other way. Any

> > time I've tried to talk to him about this, ask him how I can help him,

> > what he thinks he can do to help himself, he says, " I don't know " .

> > So... Urg. I'm taking charge.

> >

> > Wish us both luck.

> >

> > Mia

> >

>

>

[Guest guest]

((hugs)) I don't really have much to add or say--just that I'm thinking of

you and the kids.

> Thanks Millicent. And no, you have not offended me at all. In fact,

> you're simply pointing out something I'm aware of and have talked with

> husband about. Which is why I told him I was stepping back from being

> involved with the kids. Now, I feel like I need to do the same with

> him and his crap too. I'm not his mother or his personal secretary.

>

> Today is a perfect example. He got up to walk across the room & turn

> off his alarm, then went back to bed. At ten after 11, I woke him up

> to ask him if he was taking his son to school. He hadn't reset his

> alarm. If I hadn't woken him up, he wouldn't have gotten up to take

> him to school.

>

> I contemplated for a moment just letting him sleep & having to suffer

> the consequences of his own decision, but that would have just made

> things uglier between him & likely BPD ex. Plus it isn't fair to his

> son who deserves his education.

>

> As for googling " intimacy " , I'm not sure what you mean? Do you think

> he has intimacy issues due to having a likely BPD ex? That is

> something I've thought of, too. When I try to talk to him about stuff

> like this, he gets all kinds of defensive on me. He has said straight

> out that it's because of how his ex used to scream at him. I remind

> him that I'm not her. It's very similar to PTSD traits with reacting

> to a situation due to past experience, not present experiences.

>

> He does have inattentive ADD. I have said to my T that it's like

> living with the absent minded professor. Also, when he's into

> whatever he's doing (usually computer... 99.9% of the time), it's like

> he has blinders on to the rest of the world.

>

> *sigh* I love him so so much, but it's getting very hard to live with

> him. Like I said, I could kick myself in the ass for actually

> marrying him. Not because I'm not in love with him (I am, very much),

> but because I'm afraid if he doesn't start taking responsibility for

> himself & his kids we're going to end up apart; separated or divorced.

>

> T did say that it's ok for me to kind of put consequences to him for

> his actions, or lack thereof. Kind of like how we have to talk to BPD

> people... we have to be the adult & give these " teen " -behaving people

> consequences. So, I guess I'm going to have to do that with him.

>

> Anyway, sorry. Rambling. Just very frustrated & hurt... sad.

>

> Thanks again.

>

> Mia

>

>

> >

> >

> >

> > Hi

> > This sounds very difficult. You may want to look into " intimacy " on

> > google. What youre describing along with him having a bpd ex makes me

> think

> > theres something there. At the risk of offending you....its nice that

> youre

> > advocating on behalf of your stepkids but i really wish your husband

> didnt

> > have you stressed out doing his job for him. Sorry if im offending you

> but i

> > wanted to say this when you were posting about the showdown. Good luck.

> >

> > Sent from my mobile device.

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > > Well, my husband finally realizes he is a computer addict. I've been

> > > trying to get concerns through to him for years and no luck. He

> > > finally realizes it is a problem and is impacting his life as well as

> > > our life together.

> > >

> > > He works afternoons. He gets off at 11pm and comes home & sits on the

> > > PC all night, usually coming to bed between 4am and 6pm. He then has

> > > to get up by 11am to pick up his 5 year old son to take him to

> > > preschool by noon. Then he comes home & goes back to sleep until it's

> > > time to go to work. This is a daily issue.

> > >

> > > He's always complaining he is tired and he often turns his alarm off

> > > in his sleep. So to remedy this, we put his alarm clock across the

> > > room. But sadly, he just gets up, turns it off, and goes back to bed.

> > >

> > > He will help out around the house but it is far from consistent. Our

> > > apartment has exploded a bit (not like awful, but it's certainly not

> > > where I like it) because I have been far from motivated to do all this

> > > by my damn self. Especially with returning to work on Monday.

> > >

> > > I've been trying to tell him for ages that the reason he's tired is he

> > > gets very little sleep night after night, doesn't eat before going to

> > > work & often not at all while at work. It's a HUGE problem. (Yet I

> > > still married him in September... I love him, but I'm kinda wishing I

> > > hadn't sometimes!)

> > >

> > > He blows off everything to play games on the PC.

> > >

> > > So when he came to bed at 5am this morning, cursing, I woke up. I

> > > asked what was up, he said, " I didn't mean to stay up this late. I'm

> > > really pissed at myself. I really have to delete all my games off the

> > > computer tomorrow. I keep meaning to come to bed earlier but I lose

> > > track of time. "

> > >

> > > Given he will just turn off his alarm & go back to sleep, I have

> > > (after discussing with my therapist today) decided to install a

> > > parental control program that will block out times that the computer

> > > cannot be used.

> > >

> > > It is such a huge issue. He blows me off for the computer regularly.

> > > Yet I still married him!!! Yes, I love him very much but good grief,

> > > what was I thinking? I should have waited until this issue was

> > > completely resolved. He'll do " good " for a week and then slip back

> > > into being constantly on the computer.

> > >

> > > Really needed to vent. Really not looking forward to him coming home

> > > tonight & me having to tell him that the computer is restricted from

> > > now on. He's an adult, not a kid, but I really see no other way. Any

> > > time I've tried to talk to him about this, ask him how I can help him,

> > > what he thinks he can do to help himself, he says, " I don't know " .

> > > So... Urg. I'm taking charge.

> > >

> > > Wish us both luck.

> > >

> > > Mia

> > >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

just a thought. . . we need to set boundaries in all relationships. the

difference is that with people with PD's they fight and never stop fighting

them. normal people take criticism (if not always well)you need a little

conflict resolution. I know for me I DREAD conflict resolution. Nada used to

harp on how any attempts at such is a creation of conflict (acknowledging

problems is not her happy world of denial) I am so scared of getting in trouble

for having opinions and disliking things. But in a healthy marriage opinions are

shared, and conflicts are resolved.

are you perhaps splitting? I think we KO's really want relationships to be all

or nothing. we are trained that way. I don't mean this as a judgment on you I

just know I do it sometimes if I get upset.

it sounds like he is trapped in another world. he wont come out if it is not

safe. I do that myself (if not to that degree) setting rules for him is only

treating him like a child if you don't include him in the decision.

it sounds like he agrees there is a problem to me. I say discuss solutions, and

ask permission to enforce them. that way he will not loose his dignity.

good luck. and give the guy a chance (I know you will)

Meikjn

> > >

> > > > Well, my husband finally realizes he is a computer addict. I've been

> > > > trying to get concerns through to him for years and no luck. He

> > > > finally realizes it is a problem and is impacting his life as well as

> > > > our life together.

> > > >

> > > > He works afternoons. He gets off at 11pm and comes home & sits on the

> > > > PC all night, usually coming to bed between 4am and 6pm. He then has

> > > > to get up by 11am to pick up his 5 year old son to take him to

> > > > preschool by noon. Then he comes home & goes back to sleep until it's

> > > > time to go to work. This is a daily issue.

> > > >

> > > > He's always complaining he is tired and he often turns his alarm off

> > > > in his sleep. So to remedy this, we put his alarm clock across the

> > > > room. But sadly, he just gets up, turns it off, and goes back to bed.

> > > >

> > > > He will help out around the house but it is far from consistent. Our

> > > > apartment has exploded a bit (not like awful, but it's certainly not

> > > > where I like it) because I have been far from motivated to do all this

> > > > by my damn self. Especially with returning to work on Monday.

> > > >

> > > > I've been trying to tell him for ages that the reason he's tired is he

> > > > gets very little sleep night after night, doesn't eat before going to

> > > > work & often not at all while at work. It's a HUGE problem. (Yet I

> > > > still married him in September... I love him, but I'm kinda wishing I

> > > > hadn't sometimes!)

> > > >

> > > > He blows off everything to play games on the PC.

> > > >

> > > > So when he came to bed at 5am this morning, cursing, I woke up. I

> > > > asked what was up, he said, " I didn't mean to stay up this late. I'm

> > > > really pissed at myself. I really have to delete all my games off the

> > > > computer tomorrow. I keep meaning to come to bed earlier but I lose

> > > > track of time. "

> > > >

> > > > Given he will just turn off his alarm & go back to sleep, I have

> > > > (after discussing with my therapist today) decided to install a

> > > > parental control program that will block out times that the computer

> > > > cannot be used.

> > > >

> > > > It is such a huge issue. He blows me off for the computer regularly.

> > > > Yet I still married him!!! Yes, I love him very much but good grief,

> > > > what was I thinking? I should have waited until this issue was

> > > > completely resolved. He'll do " good " for a week and then slip back

> > > > into being constantly on the computer.

> > > >

> > > > Really needed to vent. Really not looking forward to him coming home

> > > > tonight & me having to tell him that the computer is restricted from

> > > > now on. He's an adult, not a kid, but I really see no other way. Any

> > > > time I've tried to talk to him about this, ask him how I can help him,

> > > > what he thinks he can do to help himself, he says, " I don't know " .

> > > > So... Urg. I'm taking charge.

> > > >

> > > > Wish us both luck.

> > > >

> > > > Mia

> > > >

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

Mia,

So glad you're not offended. I love giving advice, like most people, but I

hate getting unsolicited advice so I try not to do it but it's very hard

for me to resist but that's no excuse. So thanks for letting me express

myself on your situation, which of course I do not know and I may be

projecting so please take it for what it's worth! :-)

My theory is he married a bpd BECAUSE he had intimacy issues. In other

words, it is impossible to get close to a bpd with all that " I hate you

don't leave me " stuff. A man incapable of intimacy or who fears intimacy

would marry a borderline. I have been with men who fear intimacy and well,

it triggers my fear of intimacy and then yuck, stuff's not good.

My angle on dealing with the ex is that if she's borderline she's going to

be hyper competitive with you. Since your mom is bpd, how could someone

with a bpd mom handle a bpd ex? It's just too much. It would be for me. He

married her. He had kids with her . . . The whole time I was reading your

posts it just seemed so unfair that you felt you had to play that role. The

kids deserve and need help but your guy definitely needs to grow up!!!

Again forgive me if I am saying too much. I can really annoy people with my

opinions. Anyway, there's lots of guys out there like yours who let wife

play mommy and I'm glad you love him very much. Good luck. I hope I can

help. I really would like to help if I can.

> **

>

>

>

> just a thought. . . we need to set boundaries in all relationships. the

> difference is that with people with PD's they fight and never stop fighting

> them. normal people take criticism (if not always well)you need a little

> conflict resolution. I know for me I DREAD conflict resolution. Nada used

> to harp on how any attempts at such is a creation of conflict

> (acknowledging problems is not her happy world of denial) I am so scared of

> getting in trouble for having opinions and disliking things. But in a

> healthy marriage opinions are shared, and conflicts are resolved.

>

> are you perhaps splitting? I think we KO's really want relationships to be

> all or nothing. we are trained that way. I don't mean this as a judgment on

> you I just know I do it sometimes if I get upset.

>

> it sounds like he is trapped in another world. he wont come out if it is

> not safe. I do that myself (if not to that degree) setting rules for him is

> only treating him like a child if you don't include him in the decision.

>

> it sounds like he agrees there is a problem to me. I say discuss

> solutions, and ask permission to enforce them. that way he will not loose

> his dignity.

>

> good luck. and give the guy a chance (I know you will)

>

> Meikjn

>

>

>

> > > >

> > > > > Well, my husband finally realizes he is a computer addict. I've

> been

> > > > > trying to get concerns through to him for years and no luck. He

> > > > > finally realizes it is a problem and is impacting his life as well

> as

> > > > > our life together.

> > > > >

> > > > > He works afternoons. He gets off at 11pm and comes home & sits on

> the

> > > > > PC all night, usually coming to bed between 4am and 6pm. He then

> has

> > > > > to get up by 11am to pick up his 5 year old son to take him to

> > > > > preschool by noon. Then he comes home & goes back to sleep until

> it's

> > > > > time to go to work. This is a daily issue.

> > > > >

> > > > > He's always complaining he is tired and he often turns his alarm

> off

> > > > > in his sleep. So to remedy this, we put his alarm clock across the

> > > > > room. But sadly, he just gets up, turns it off, and goes back to

> bed.

> > > > >

> > > > > He will help out around the house but it is far from consistent.

> Our

> > > > > apartment has exploded a bit (not like awful, but it's certainly

> not

> > > > > where I like it) because I have been far from motivated to do all

> this

> > > > > by my damn self. Especially with returning to work on Monday.

> > > > >

> > > > > I've been trying to tell him for ages that the reason he's tired

> is he

> > > > > gets very little sleep night after night, doesn't eat before going

> to

> > > > > work & often not at all while at work. It's a HUGE problem. (Yet I

> > > > > still married him in September... I love him, but I'm kinda

> wishing I

> > > > > hadn't sometimes!)

> > > > >

> > > > > He blows off everything to play games on the PC.

> > > > >

> > > > > So when he came to bed at 5am this morning, cursing, I woke up. I

> > > > > asked what was up, he said, " I didn't mean to stay up this late.

> I'm

> > > > > really pissed at myself. I really have to delete all my games off

> the

> > > > > computer tomorrow. I keep meaning to come to bed earlier but I lose

> > > > > track of time. "

> > > > >

> > > > > Given he will just turn off his alarm & go back to sleep, I have

> > > > > (after discussing with my therapist today) decided to install a

> > > > > parental control program that will block out times that the

> computer

> > > > > cannot be used.

> > > > >

> > > > > It is such a huge issue. He blows me off for the computer

> regularly.

> > > > > Yet I still married him!!! Yes, I love him very much but good

> grief,

> > > > > what was I thinking? I should have waited until this issue was

> > > > > completely resolved. He'll do " good " for a week and then slip back

> > > > > into being constantly on the computer.

> > > > >

> > > > > Really needed to vent. Really not looking forward to him coming

> home

> > > > > tonight & me having to tell him that the computer is restricted

> from

> > > > > now on. He's an adult, not a kid, but I really see no other way.

> Any

> > > > > time I've tried to talk to him about this, ask him how I can help

> him,

> > > > > what he thinks he can do to help himself, he says, " I don't know " .

> > > > > So... Urg. I'm taking charge.

> > > > >

> > > > > Wish us both luck.

> > > > >

> > > > > Mia

> > > > >

> > > >

> > > >

[Guest guest]

Best of luck to you. Actually, putting the parental control on his computer to

limit the amount of time your husband can spend on it is brilliant, PARTICULARLY

since your husband has said that he WANTS to cut down on the amount of time he

spends playing games on it.

So, you are simply being supportive: you have done the equivalent of removing

all the tempting high-calorie junk food from the house to support the efforts of

a spouse who is trying to stay on a low-calorie, nutritious diet.

You are being supportive, not punitive.

Best of luck to both of you. Note: he will probably be grouchy as he weans

himself off of his favorite addiction.

Thumbs up of encouragement from me!

-Annie

>

> Well, my husband finally realizes he is a computer addict. I've been

> trying to get concerns through to him for years and no luck. He

> finally realizes it is a problem and is impacting his life as well as

> our life together.

>

> He works afternoons. He gets off at 11pm and comes home & sits on the

> PC all night, usually coming to bed between 4am and 6pm. He then has

> to get up by 11am to pick up his 5 year old son to take him to

> preschool by noon. Then he comes home & goes back to sleep until it's

> time to go to work. This is a daily issue.

>

> He's always complaining he is tired and he often turns his alarm off

> in his sleep. So to remedy this, we put his alarm clock across the

> room. But sadly, he just gets up, turns it off, and goes back to bed.

>

> He will help out around the house but it is far from consistent. Our

> apartment has exploded a bit (not like awful, but it's certainly not

> where I like it) because I have been far from motivated to do all this

> by my damn self. Especially with returning to work on Monday.

>

> I've been trying to tell him for ages that the reason he's tired is he

> gets very little sleep night after night, doesn't eat before going to

> work & often not at all while at work. It's a HUGE problem. (Yet I

> still married him in September... I love him, but I'm kinda wishing I

> hadn't sometimes!)

>

> He blows off everything to play games on the PC.

>

> So when he came to bed at 5am this morning, cursing, I woke up. I

> asked what was up, he said, " I didn't mean to stay up this late. I'm

> really pissed at myself. I really have to delete all my games off the

> computer tomorrow. I keep meaning to come to bed earlier but I lose

> track of time. "

>

> Given he will just turn off his alarm & go back to sleep, I have

> (after discussing with my therapist today) decided to install a

> parental control program that will block out times that the computer

> cannot be used.

>

> It is such a huge issue. He blows me off for the computer regularly.

> Yet I still married him!!! Yes, I love him very much but good grief,

> what was I thinking? I should have waited until this issue was

> completely resolved. He'll do " good " for a week and then slip back

> into being constantly on the computer.

>

> Really needed to vent. Really not looking forward to him coming home

> tonight & me having to tell him that the computer is restricted from

> now on. He's an adult, not a kid, but I really see no other way. Any

> time I've tried to talk to him about this, ask him how I can help him,

> what he thinks he can do to help himself, he says, " I don't know " .

> So... Urg. I'm taking charge.

>

> Wish us both luck.

>

> Mia

>

[Guest guest]

I thought about it and if I admitted to my SO that I was addicted to

cookies and he put a lock on the cookie jar the next day I'd be furious.

Not sure it's a good analogy. My relationship with food's not very healthy

but I just wanted to put that out there. People are touchy about their

addictions and I could see the parental control really backfiring. Just

another opinion.

On Fri, Mar 2, 2012 at 12:19 AM, anuria67854 wrote:

> **

>

>

> Best of luck to you. Actually, putting the parental control on his

> computer to limit the amount of time your husband can spend on it is

> brilliant, PARTICULARLY since your husband has said that he WANTS to cut

> down on the amount of time he spends playing games on it.

>

> So, you are simply being supportive: you have done the equivalent of

> removing all the tempting high-calorie junk food from the house to support

> the efforts of a spouse who is trying to stay on a low-calorie, nutritious

> diet.

>

> You are being supportive, not punitive.

>

> Best of luck to both of you. Note: he will probably be grouchy as he weans

> himself off of his favorite addiction.

>

> Thumbs up of encouragement from me!

>

> -Annie

>

>

> >

> > Well, my husband finally realizes he is a computer addict. I've been

> > trying to get concerns through to him for years and no luck. He

> > finally realizes it is a problem and is impacting his life as well as

> > our life together.

> >

> > He works afternoons. He gets off at 11pm and comes home & sits on the

> > PC all night, usually coming to bed between 4am and 6pm. He then has

> > to get up by 11am to pick up his 5 year old son to take him to

> > preschool by noon. Then he comes home & goes back to sleep until it's

> > time to go to work. This is a daily issue.

> >

> > He's always complaining he is tired and he often turns his alarm off

> > in his sleep. So to remedy this, we put his alarm clock across the

> > room. But sadly, he just gets up, turns it off, and goes back to bed.

> >

> > He will help out around the house but it is far from consistent. Our

> > apartment has exploded a bit (not like awful, but it's certainly not

> > where I like it) because I have been far from motivated to do all this

> > by my damn self. Especially with returning to work on Monday.

> >

> > I've been trying to tell him for ages that the reason he's tired is he

> > gets very little sleep night after night, doesn't eat before going to

> > work & often not at all while at work. It's a HUGE problem. (Yet I

> > still married him in September... I love him, but I'm kinda wishing I

> > hadn't sometimes!)

> >

> > He blows off everything to play games on the PC.

> >

> > So when he came to bed at 5am this morning, cursing, I woke up. I

> > asked what was up, he said, " I didn't mean to stay up this late. I'm

> > really pissed at myself. I really have to delete all my games off the

> > computer tomorrow. I keep meaning to come to bed earlier but I lose

> > track of time. "

> >

> > Given he will just turn off his alarm & go back to sleep, I have

> > (after discussing with my therapist today) decided to install a

> > parental control program that will block out times that the computer

> > cannot be used.

> >

> > It is such a huge issue. He blows me off for the computer regularly.

> > Yet I still married him!!! Yes, I love him very much but good grief,

> > what was I thinking? I should have waited until this issue was

> > completely resolved. He'll do " good " for a week and then slip back

> > into being constantly on the computer.

> >

> > Really needed to vent. Really not looking forward to him coming home

> > tonight & me having to tell him that the computer is restricted from

> > now on. He's an adult, not a kid, but I really see no other way. Any

> > time I've tried to talk to him about this, ask him how I can help him,

> > what he thinks he can do to help himself, he says, " I don't know " .

> > So... Urg. I'm taking charge.

> >

> > Wish us both luck.

> >

> > Mia

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks everyone.

We had a really good talk last night. He still agreed there is a

problem with his computer usage and I told him I put the parental

control on both computers and he was really ok with it. He said one

of the reasons he feels he spends so much time on it is due to being

unmotivated. He hates his job and is afraid to go back to school. So

we talked about those things and came up with some ideas to help him

figure out how he could tackle going back to school.

He has been using my computer. I have a desktop & a laptop from

school. His computer caught fire several months ago! We have been

saving to buy him a new one, but he even said he's not wanting to do

that right now. That shocked me since it has been a concern due to

the amount of time he spends on the PC and how much he's been really

chomping at the bit to buy a new one. I told him I agree and that we

have the money set aside from our tax refund and suggested we just sit

on it a while longer. He was fine with that.

As for his ex, she has been very competitive with me. But now that

they are LC it has been a LOT better. I have been able to handle it

the best I can. I think the situation with her would be frustrating

for any person, BPD parent or not. I handle it because, as I stated,

I love my husband. And his kids. But I do get frustrated which is

probably a normal thing for married people to feel! I'm sure he gets

frustrated with me from time to time too.

I'm not sure that I am splitting him? I love the guy very much but

yes this is a big issue. We have talked about it numerous times, none

of what we discussed last night was new information, except the

parental control on the computers. I think having the computers

unable to work between the hours of 2am and 6am is reasonable, so did

he. They are not restricted in any other way; he can still do

anything he wants during the other times, including look at nudie

pictures if he wants LOL. I did not enable those options for him. I

set up a user account for his kids, and yes, they are restricted in

that stuff though!

I don't feel that I'm painting him all black or all white by pointing

out to him that he has a problem with the computer, especially now

that he's acknowledged that. I do absolutely see the good in him, but

yes, he can be hard to live with.

Thanks very much everyone for listening, support & advice. It helps.

I'm really glad the discussion went well and hope he will remain

motivated.

Mia

On Fri, Mar 2, 2012 at 12:48 AM, Millicent Kunstler

wrote:

> I thought about it and if I admitted to my SO that I was addicted to

> cookies and he put a lock on the cookie jar the next day I'd be furious.

> Not sure it's a good analogy. My relationship with food's not very healthy

> but I just wanted to put that out there. People are touchy about their

> addictions and I could see the parental control really backfiring. Just

> another opinion.

>

> On Fri, Mar 2, 2012 at 12:19 AM, anuria67854 wrote:

>

>> **

>>

>>

>> Best of luck to you. Actually, putting the parental control on his

>> computer to limit the amount of time your husband can spend on it is

>> brilliant, PARTICULARLY since your husband has said that he WANTS to cut

>> down on the amount of time he spends playing games on it.

>>

>> So, you are simply being supportive: you have done the equivalent of

>> removing all the tempting high-calorie junk food from the house to support

>> the efforts of a spouse who is trying to stay on a low-calorie, nutritious

>> diet.

>>

>> You are being supportive, not punitive.

>>

>> Best of luck to both of you. Note: he will probably be grouchy as he weans

>> himself off of his favorite addiction.

>>

>> Thumbs up of encouragement from me!

>>

>> -Annie

>>

>>

>> >

>> > Well, my husband finally realizes he is a computer addict. I've been

>> > trying to get concerns through to him for years and no luck. He

>> > finally realizes it is a problem and is impacting his life as well as

>> > our life together.

>> >

>> > He works afternoons. He gets off at 11pm and comes home & sits on the

>> > PC all night, usually coming to bed between 4am and 6pm. He then has

>> > to get up by 11am to pick up his 5 year old son to take him to

>> > preschool by noon. Then he comes home & goes back to sleep until it's

>> > time to go to work. This is a daily issue.

>> >

>> > He's always complaining he is tired and he often turns his alarm off

>> > in his sleep. So to remedy this, we put his alarm clock across the

>> > room. But sadly, he just gets up, turns it off, and goes back to bed.

>> >

>> > He will help out around the house but it is far from consistent. Our

>> > apartment has exploded a bit (not like awful, but it's certainly not

>> > where I like it) because I have been far from motivated to do all this

>> > by my damn self. Especially with returning to work on Monday.

>> >

>> > I've been trying to tell him for ages that the reason he's tired is he

>> > gets very little sleep night after night, doesn't eat before going to

>> > work & often not at all while at work. It's a HUGE problem. (Yet I

>> > still married him in September... I love him, but I'm kinda wishing I

>> > hadn't sometimes!)

>> >

>> > He blows off everything to play games on the PC.

>> >

>> > So when he came to bed at 5am this morning, cursing, I woke up. I

>> > asked what was up, he said, " I didn't mean to stay up this late. I'm

>> > really pissed at myself. I really have to delete all my games off the

>> > computer tomorrow. I keep meaning to come to bed earlier but I lose

>> > track of time. "

>> >

>> > Given he will just turn off his alarm & go back to sleep, I have

>> > (after discussing with my therapist today) decided to install a

>> > parental control program that will block out times that the computer

>> > cannot be used.

>> >

>> > It is such a huge issue. He blows me off for the computer regularly.

>> > Yet I still married him!!! Yes, I love him very much but good grief,

>> > what was I thinking? I should have waited until this issue was

>> > completely resolved. He'll do " good " for a week and then slip back

>> > into being constantly on the computer.

>> >

>> > Really needed to vent. Really not looking forward to him coming home

>> > tonight & me having to tell him that the computer is restricted from

>> > now on. He's an adult, not a kid, but I really see no other way. Any

>> > time I've tried to talk to him about this, ask him how I can help him,

>> > what he thinks he can do to help himself, he says, " I don't know " .

>> > So... Urg. I'm taking charge.

>> >

>> > Wish us both luck.

>> >

>> > Mia

>> >

>>

>>

>>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi mia

Ive been where you are and its tough!!! Good luck! Its sucks to be in your role

but you are there and now all you can do is your best :-)

Sent from my mobile device.

> Thanks everyone.

>

> We had a really good talk last night. He still agreed there is a

> problem with his computer usage and I told him I put the parental

> control on both computers and he was really ok with it. He said one

> of the reasons he feels he spends so much time on it is due to being

> unmotivated. He hates his job and is afraid to go back to school. So

> we talked about those things and came up with some ideas to help him

> figure out how he could tackle going back to school.

>

> He has been using my computer. I have a desktop & a laptop from

> school. His computer caught fire several months ago! We have been

> saving to buy him a new one, but he even said he's not wanting to do

> that right now. That shocked me since it has been a concern due to

> the amount of time he spends on the PC and how much he's been really

> chomping at the bit to buy a new one. I told him I agree and that we

> have the money set aside from our tax refund and suggested we just sit

> on it a while longer. He was fine with that.

>

> As for his ex, she has been very competitive with me. But now that

> they are LC it has been a LOT better. I have been able to handle it

> the best I can. I think the situation with her would be frustrating

> for any person, BPD parent or not. I handle it because, as I stated,

> I love my husband. And his kids. But I do get frustrated which is

> probably a normal thing for married people to feel! I'm sure he gets

> frustrated with me from time to time too.

>

> I'm not sure that I am splitting him? I love the guy very much but

> yes this is a big issue. We have talked about it numerous times, none

> of what we discussed last night was new information, except the

> parental control on the computers. I think having the computers

> unable to work between the hours of 2am and 6am is reasonable, so did

> he. They are not restricted in any other way; he can still do

> anything he wants during the other times, including look at nudie

> pictures if he wants LOL. I did not enable those options for him. I

> set up a user account for his kids, and yes, they are restricted in

> that stuff though!

>

> I don't feel that I'm painting him all black or all white by pointing

> out to him that he has a problem with the computer, especially now

> that he's acknowledged that. I do absolutely see the good in him, but

> yes, he can be hard to live with.

>

> Thanks very much everyone for listening, support & advice. It helps.

> I'm really glad the discussion went well and hope he will remain

> motivated.

>

> Mia

>

> On Fri, Mar 2, 2012 at 12:48 AM, Millicent Kunstler

> wrote:

> > I thought about it and if I admitted to my SO that I was addicted to

> > cookies and he put a lock on the cookie jar the next day I'd be furious.

> > Not sure it's a good analogy. My relationship with food's not very healthy

> > but I just wanted to put that out there. People are touchy about their

> > addictions and I could see the parental control really backfiring. Just

> > another opinion.

> >

> > On Fri, Mar 2, 2012 at 12:19 AM, anuria67854

wrote:

> >

> >> **

> >>

> >>

> >> Best of luck to you. Actually, putting the parental control on his

> >> computer to limit the amount of time your husband can spend on it is

> >> brilliant, PARTICULARLY since your husband has said that he WANTS to cut

> >> down on the amount of time he spends playing games on it.

> >>

> >> So, you are simply being supportive: you have done the equivalent of

> >> removing all the tempting high-calorie junk food from the house to support

> >> the efforts of a spouse who is trying to stay on a low-calorie, nutritious

> >> diet.

> >>

> >> You are being supportive, not punitive.

> >>

> >> Best of luck to both of you. Note: he will probably be grouchy as he weans

> >> himself off of his favorite addiction.

> >>

> >> Thumbs up of encouragement from me!

> >>

> >> -Annie

> >>

> >>

> >> >

> >> > Well, my husband finally realizes he is a computer addict. I've been

> >> > trying to get concerns through to him for years and no luck. He

> >> > finally realizes it is a problem and is impacting his life as well as

> >> > our life together.

> >> >

> >> > He works afternoons. He gets off at 11pm and comes home & sits on the

> >> > PC all night, usually coming to bed between 4am and 6pm. He then has

> >> > to get up by 11am to pick up his 5 year old son to take him to

> >> > preschool by noon. Then he comes home & goes back to sleep until it's

> >> > time to go to work. This is a daily issue.

> >> >

> >> > He's always complaining he is tired and he often turns his alarm off

> >> > in his sleep. So to remedy this, we put his alarm clock across the

> >> > room. But sadly, he just gets up, turns it off, and goes back to bed.

> >> >

> >> > He will help out around the house but it is far from consistent. Our

> >> > apartment has exploded a bit (not like awful, but it's certainly not

> >> > where I like it) because I have been far from motivated to do all this

> >> > by my damn self. Especially with returning to work on Monday.

> >> >

> >> > I've been trying to tell him for ages that the reason he's tired is he

> >> > gets very little sleep night after night, doesn't eat before going to

> >> > work & often not at all while at work. It's a HUGE problem. (Yet I

> >> > still married him in September... I love him, but I'm kinda wishing I

> >> > hadn't sometimes!)

> >> >

> >> > He blows off everything to play games on the PC.

> >> >

> >> > So when he came to bed at 5am this morning, cursing, I woke up. I

> >> > asked what was up, he said, " I didn't mean to stay up this late. I'm

> >> > really pissed at myself. I really have to delete all my games off the

> >> > computer tomorrow. I keep meaning to come to bed earlier but I lose

> >> > track of time. "

> >> >

> >> > Given he will just turn off his alarm & go back to sleep, I have

> >> > (after discussing with my therapist today) decided to install a

> >> > parental control program that will block out times that the computer

> >> > cannot be used.

> >> >

> >> > It is such a huge issue. He blows me off for the computer regularly.

> >> > Yet I still married him!!! Yes, I love him very much but good grief,

> >> > what was I thinking? I should have waited until this issue was

> >> > completely resolved. He'll do " good " for a week and then slip back

> >> > into being constantly on the computer.

> >> >

> >> > Really needed to vent. Really not looking forward to him coming home

> >> > tonight & me having to tell him that the computer is restricted from

> >> > now on. He's an adult, not a kid, but I really see no other way. Any

> >> > time I've tried to talk to him about this, ask him how I can help him,

> >> > what he thinks he can do to help himself, he says, " I don't know " .

> >> > So... Urg. I'm taking charge.

> >> >

> >> > Wish us both luck.

> >> >

> >> > Mia

> >> >

> >>

> >>

> >>

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

I was just grasping at straws. I once got really mad about the way we were

handling money and split my husband (for a week or so) the reality was that I

had not expressed any concern to him (for months) because of my own fears. I am

a little too apt to let frustrations build. so, I told a friend how terrible he

was and made her really worried for me and disrespect him. in the end I ranted

at him, then when I calmed down he directed me to discussing solutions. boy was

I embarrassed. I was just not trusting him because I am so used to not having

what I want matter, and not being heard. he acknowledged that my frustrations

were valid, and we came up with a solution that has caused us no trouble for the

last 5 years. this was an eye opening experience for me. conflict resolution is

NOT conflict. take that NADA.

so my comments were from my own experience. it sounds like you are working it

out. yay for functioning relationships!!!

Meikjn

> >> >

> >> > Well, my husband finally realizes he is a computer addict. I've been

> >> > trying to get concerns through to him for years and no luck. He

> >> > finally realizes it is a problem and is impacting his life as well as

> >> > our life together.

> >> >

> >> > He works afternoons. He gets off at 11pm and comes home & sits on the

> >> > PC all night, usually coming to bed between 4am and 6pm. He then has

> >> > to get up by 11am to pick up his 5 year old son to take him to

> >> > preschool by noon. Then he comes home & goes back to sleep until it's

> >> > time to go to work. This is a daily issue.

> >> >

> >> > He's always complaining he is tired and he often turns his alarm off

> >> > in his sleep. So to remedy this, we put his alarm clock across the

> >> > room. But sadly, he just gets up, turns it off, and goes back to bed.

> >> >

> >> > He will help out around the house but it is far from consistent. Our

> >> > apartment has exploded a bit (not like awful, but it's certainly not

> >> > where I like it) because I have been far from motivated to do all this

> >> > by my damn self. Especially with returning to work on Monday.

> >> >

> >> > I've been trying to tell him for ages that the reason he's tired is he

> >> > gets very little sleep night after night, doesn't eat before going to

> >> > work & often not at all while at work. It's a HUGE problem. (Yet I

> >> > still married him in September... I love him, but I'm kinda wishing I

> >> > hadn't sometimes!)

> >> >

> >> > He blows off everything to play games on the PC.

> >> >

> >> > So when he came to bed at 5am this morning, cursing, I woke up. I

> >> > asked what was up, he said, " I didn't mean to stay up this late. I'm

> >> > really pissed at myself. I really have to delete all my games off the

> >> > computer tomorrow. I keep meaning to come to bed earlier but I lose

> >> > track of time. "

> >> >

> >> > Given he will just turn off his alarm & go back to sleep, I have

> >> > (after discussing with my therapist today) decided to install a

> >> > parental control program that will block out times that the computer

> >> > cannot be used.

> >> >

> >> > It is such a huge issue. He blows me off for the computer regularly.

> >> > Yet I still married him!!! Yes, I love him very much but good grief,

> >> > what was I thinking? I should have waited until this issue was

> >> > completely resolved. He'll do " good " for a week and then slip back

> >> > into being constantly on the computer.

> >> >

> >> > Really needed to vent. Really not looking forward to him coming home

> >> > tonight & me having to tell him that the computer is restricted from

> >> > now on. He's an adult, not a kid, but I really see no other way. Any

> >> > time I've tried to talk to him about this, ask him how I can help him,

> >> > what he thinks he can do to help himself, he says, " I don't know " .

> >> > So... Urg. I'm taking charge.

> >> >

> >> > Wish us both luck.

> >> >

> >> > Mia

> >> >

> >>

> >>

> >>

> >

> >

> >