Want a Christian perspective on boundary involving church

[Guest guest]

I have known my mother had BPD for years, but didn't really understand it until

last week when I read Stop Walking on Eggshells. Now I understand it is not my

responsibility to protect my mother from herself or to try to make her be happy.

I'm ready to stop trying to take care of her and it all makes sense, BUT there

is one boundary I would REALLY like to set but am not sure about. I REALLY need

to attend my own church. My mother recently moved to live near me (we were in

different states) and, despite my brother's explicit advice and my hinting, she

immediately started attending my church. She is so negative and critical at

church that I hate being there. She is also so clingy that I feel like I am

trying to take care of not only my 3 and 5 yr. old throughout the service, but

also my mother. It's bad enough that my husband is disabled and can't attend

with us very often. It's worse now that I feel overwhelmed by mother's presence.

We recently started attending a different church and, of course, she went right

with us. BUT, she only attended for about a month and then she left the state

for several months and is returning today. She also has moved to a new house

that is further away from this new church and much closer to other churches.

This is the perfect opportunity to say, hey, mom, I think it would be best if we

went to different churches. BUT, I really think if she doesn't go to church with

me she won't go at all and that the suggestion of it might really shake her

faith. I understand that I am not responsible for her, but isn't a little

different when dealing with someone's salvation? (I mean, this could actually

make her turn her back on God, but then again, I have lost track of how many

times she has turned her back on God.) Any suggestions? Support? Am I doing the

wrong thing?

[Guest guest]

I hesitated to reply because I'm not a religious person. This is about

boundaries and nadas (BPD mother, because they offered us zero, zip, nada, when

growing up) though, which is something I'm very familiar with. She's showing up

at your special and peaceful places and messing that up for you & your children,

which is not cool.

You write that you've held back from saying something because you worry about

disrupting her relationship with God, and even potentially interfering with her

eternal salvation. I think that maybe you're taking on too much responsibility

here. Your mother is a fully-fledged adult, witness her moving across the

country, then going off and doing her own thing for several months. I don't

believe that you are responsible for her relationship with God or the question

of her eternal salvation. She is the one who must take responsibility for that.

You have my full support in telling her that you need her to find her own church

to attend. Perhaps you should notify your brother prior to having this

conversation, so he can cope with her phone calls as he sees fit, and to avoid

having him turned into a flying monkey.

annafelicity

>

> I have known my mother had BPD for years, but didn't really understand it

until last week when I read Stop Walking on Eggshells. Now I understand it is

not my responsibility to protect my mother from herself or to try to make her be

happy. I'm ready to stop trying to take care of her and it all makes sense, BUT

there is one boundary I would REALLY like to set but am not sure about. I REALLY

need to attend my own church. My mother recently moved to live near me (we were

in different states) and, despite my brother's explicit advice and my hinting,

she immediately started attending my church. She is so negative and critical at

church that I hate being there. She is also so clingy that I feel like I am

trying to take care of not only my 3 and 5 yr. old throughout the service, but

also my mother. It's bad enough that my husband is disabled and can't attend

with us very often. It's worse now that I feel overwhelmed by mother's presence.

We recently started attending a different church and, of course, she went right

with us. BUT, she only attended for about a month and then she left the state

for several months and is returning today. She also has moved to a new house

that is further away from this new church and much closer to other churches.

This is the perfect opportunity to say, hey, mom, I think it would be best if we

went to different churches. BUT, I really think if she doesn't go to church with

me she won't go at all and that the suggestion of it might really shake her

faith. I understand that I am not responsible for her, but isn't a little

different when dealing with someone's salvation? (I mean, this could actually

make her turn her back on God, but then again, I have lost track of how many

times she has turned her back on God.) Any suggestions? Support? Am I doing the

wrong thing?

>

[Guest guest]

I think that if she has a relationship with God, then your

request for her to go to a different church is not likely to

destroy that. Real faith is not torn apart that way. Real faith

is going to be there whether or not there is any church

available. Going to church is part of the outer trappings of

religion. The inner part of faith is more important. Worshipping

with others can be a good thing and can keep you on the right

track, but I don't believe it is a requirement for having faith.

Why do you think that asking her to go to a different church

would shake her faith? You say you recently changed churches, so

it doesn't like you belong to an unusual denomination that only

has one church in the area.

I do think that your responsibility is a little different when

it comes to dealing with someone's salvation, but not different

in the way you seem to feel. My thoughts on the matter go in the

opposite direction. I think you are even less responsible for

that than for some other things in her life. I think that

someone's faith and relationship with God is deeply personal and

that no one else can possibly be responsible for it. If she

turns her back on God, it will be because she's chosen to do so,

not because you've done something to make her do so.

It might be helpful to explain to your minister/priest/pastor

what is going on and enlist some help in convincing her to

attend a church closer to her home. Having the suggestion come

from a third party as being something for her benefit might

work.

At 10:26 AM 07/25/2011 trhthaga wrote:

>I have known my mother had BPD for years, but didn't really

>understand it until last week when I read Stop Walking on

>Eggshells. Now I understand it is not my responsibility to

>protect my mother from herself or to try to make her be happy.

>I'm ready to stop trying to take care of her and it all makes

>sense, BUT there is one boundary I would REALLY like to set but

>am not sure about. I REALLY need to attend my own church. My

>mother recently moved to live near me (we were in different

>states) and, despite my brother's explicit advice and my

>hinting, she immediately started attending my church. She is so

>negative and critical at church that I hate being there. She is

>also so clingy that I feel like I am trying to take care of not

>only my 3 and 5 yr. old throughout the service, but also my

>mother. It's bad enough that my husband is disabled and can't

>attend with us very often. It's worse now that I feel

>overwhelmed by mother's presence. We recently started attending

>a different church and, of course, she went right with us. BUT,

>she only attended for about a month and then she left the state

>for several months and is returning today. She also has moved

>to a new house that is further away from this new church and

>much closer to other churches. This is the perfect opportunity

>to say, hey, mom, I think it would be best if we went to

>different churches. BUT, I really think if she doesn't go to

>church with me she won't go at all and that the suggestion of

>it might really shake her faith. I understand that I am not

>responsible for her, but isn't a little different when dealing

>with someone's salvation? (I mean, this could actually make her

>turn her back on God, but then again, I have lost track of how

>many times she has turned her back on God.) Any suggestions?

>Support? Am I doing the wrong thing?

>

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

All religious commenting aside, couldn't you just pick a new church and not tell

her about it? And ask your friends/relatives, if they know, not to disclose

where your new church is?

>

> I have known my mother had BPD for years, but didn't really understand it

until last week when I read Stop Walking on Eggshells. Now I understand it is

not my responsibility to protect my mother from herself or to try to make her be

happy. I'm ready to stop trying to take care of her and it all makes sense, BUT

there is one boundary I would REALLY like to set but am not sure about. I REALLY

need to attend my own church. My mother recently moved to live near me (we were

in different states) and, despite my brother's explicit advice and my hinting,

she immediately started attending my church. She is so negative and critical at

church that I hate being there. She is also so clingy that I feel like I am

trying to take care of not only my 3 and 5 yr. old throughout the service, but

also my mother. It's bad enough that my husband is disabled and can't attend

with us very often. It's worse now that I feel overwhelmed by mother's presence.

We recently started attending a different church and, of course, she went right

with us. BUT, she only attended for about a month and then she left the state

for several months and is returning today. She also has moved to a new house

that is further away from this new church and much closer to other churches.

This is the perfect opportunity to say, hey, mom, I think it would be best if we

went to different churches. BUT, I really think if she doesn't go to church with

me she won't go at all and that the suggestion of it might really shake her

faith. I understand that I am not responsible for her, but isn't a little

different when dealing with someone's salvation? (I mean, this could actually

make her turn her back on God, but then again, I have lost track of how many

times she has turned her back on God.) Any suggestions? Support? Am I doing the

wrong thing?

>

[Guest guest]

In the churches I've been to, there are " nursery " rooms where babies and very

small children are looked after while their parents are attending the church

service, and the nursery is either free or low-cost. Most small children

(under 6 or so) can't tolerate sitting very still and being very quiet for more

than a few minutes (even in a movie theater) and end up being distracting or

even disruptive to the church service; perhaps that is an option for you to

consider.

I agree that you have the right to create boundaries for yourself regarding when

and how long you see your mother, so if she is violating your boundaries by

showing up at your church service, sitting with you uninvited and is

distracting/disruptive on top of it, then, I too would suggest that you choose

another church to attend.

It is my opinion as well that your mother's religious choices are her own

responsibility. Maybe a discussion with your pastor/priest RE your faith's

doctrines in this regard ( " Am I responsible if my mother will not attend church

if she can't attend it with me? " ) will make you feel better.

-Annie

> >

> > I have known my mother had BPD for years, but didn't really understand it

until last week when I read Stop Walking on Eggshells. Now I understand it is

not my responsibility to protect my mother from herself or to try to make her be

happy. I'm ready to stop trying to take care of her and it all makes sense, BUT

there is one boundary I would REALLY like to set but am not sure about. I REALLY

need to attend my own church. My mother recently moved to live near me (we were

in different states) and, despite my brother's explicit advice and my hinting,

she immediately started attending my church. She is so negative and critical at

church that I hate being there. She is also so clingy that I feel like I am

trying to take care of not only my 3 and 5 yr. old throughout the service, but

also my mother. It's bad enough that my husband is disabled and can't attend

with us very often. It's worse now that I feel overwhelmed by mother's presence.

We recently started attending a different church and, of course, she went right

with us. BUT, she only attended for about a month and then she left the state

for several months and is returning today. She also has moved to a new house

that is further away from this new church and much closer to other churches.

This is the perfect opportunity to say, hey, mom, I think it would be best if we

went to different churches. BUT, I really think if she doesn't go to church with

me she won't go at all and that the suggestion of it might really shake her

faith. I understand that I am not responsible for her, but isn't a little

different when dealing with someone's salvation? (I mean, this could actually

make her turn her back on God, but then again, I have lost track of how many

times she has turned her back on God.) Any suggestions? Support? Am I doing the

wrong thing?

> >

>

[Guest guest]

It is perfectly reasonable to want to have the peace to worship God in a

location free of your BPD nada. The bad energy they carry around infects

everyone. You and your kids need this time free of her.

And boundaries about who is responsible for whom do not change because of her

inattention to her religious responsibilities. The only souls you need to worry

about saving from eternal damnation are your own and your kids until they are

adults. At least that's how I interpret the " free will " passages.

You cannot save her soul and more than you can save her from twisted thinking.

I would start attending another church (or another service, if available at your

present church) to avoid running into her. And yes, let bro know what is going

on and why. If nada asks, tell her you must put your children first and you

don't have enough energy for them and her.

>

> I have known my mother had BPD for years, but didn't really understand it

until last week when I read Stop Walking on Eggshells. Now I understand it is

not my responsibility to protect my mother from herself or to try to make her be

happy. I'm ready to stop trying to take care of her and it all makes sense, BUT

there is one boundary I would REALLY like to set but am not sure about. I REALLY

need to attend my own church. My mother recently moved to live near me (we were

in different states) and, despite my brother's explicit advice and my hinting,

she immediately started attending my church. She is so negative and critical at

church that I hate being there. She is also so clingy that I feel like I am

trying to take care of not only my 3 and 5 yr. old throughout the service, but

also my mother. It's bad enough that my husband is disabled and can't attend

with us very often. It's worse now that I feel overwhelmed by mother's presence.

We recently started attending a different church and, of course, she went right

with us. BUT, she only attended for about a month and then she left the state

for several months and is returning today. She also has moved to a new house

that is further away from this new church and much closer to other churches.

This is the perfect opportunity to say, hey, mom, I think it would be best if we

went to different churches. BUT, I really think if she doesn't go to church with

me she won't go at all and that the suggestion of it might really shake her

faith. I understand that I am not responsible for her, but isn't a little

different when dealing with someone's salvation? (I mean, this could actually

make her turn her back on God, but then again, I have lost track of how many

times she has turned her back on God.) Any suggestions? Support? Am I doing the

wrong thing?

>

[Guest guest]

> I understand that I am not responsible for her, but isn't a little different

when dealing with someone's salvation? (I mean, this could actually make her

turn her back on God, but then again, I have lost track of how many times she

has turned her back on God.) Any suggestions? Support? Am I doing the wrong

thing?

>

I apologize, I haven't the time to read the other replies.

But the answer is, no, it's not different. You are not responsible for your

mother's salvation. That is up to her. Christ Jesus himself allows us the

freedom to choose or reject Him; He doesn't make us do anything or try to

control our behavior. He has done all he can for us, and it's up to us whether

we accept Him. Can you do more for your mother than He can? Are you able to

control whether she accepts or rejects Him? No. Even He can't do that. She has

free will. If she chooses to " turn her back on God, " that's not your fault. It's

her choice.

I have to say that when you said your going to a different church might " shake

your mother's faith, " I sat there scratching my head wondering exactly WHO her

faith is in, anyway. If she has faith in Christ, that is not dependent on what

YOU do. If your wanting to go somewhere different than she does causes her to

lose her faith in God, then it probably wasn't very strong or genuine to begin

with. It sounds like you're afraid she has much more invested in her

relationship with YOU than she does in her relationship with GOD. And if that's

the case, it will probably be better for her faith in the long run for you to

get out of the picture so she can get her priorities straight. Anyway, I don't

know if that makes sense.

It's perfectly reasonable and healthy for you to ask for space to worship on

your own while you're at church. I imagine it is very distracting having your

clingy shadow latched on to you at moments when you need to be able to pause and

reflect and be a little vulnerable before God. If she's not willing to go sit

somewhere else or leave you alone for the hour or two you're at church, then by

all means, find somewhere else, and don't tell her next time where you're going.

If she doesn't like your suggestion that she find a new church on her own, at

least you can tell her that you won't be spending time with her while you're

there and ask her to make friends her own age or something.

Sveta

[Guest guest]

Hi there,

I know how you feel, in a way. I have felt that, if I excluded my mother from

certain social settings, that she would be lonely because of me. But I see now

that she chooses to not make friends apart from my brother and me.

But, as you say, you're not responsible for the choices she makes in regard to

her spirituality; none of us is that powerful, though our nadas make us feel

like we have that power.

This is a toughie, esp since your mother lives so close to you. And she'll

definitely turn the guilt on and let you know how you've ruined her Christianity

b/c of your " selfishness " but truly, you have to take of yourself.

Best wishes in whatever you decide to do.

Fiona

>

> I have known my mother had BPD for years, but didn't really understand it

until last week when I read Stop Walking on Eggshells. Now I understand it is

not my responsibility to protect my mother from herself or to try to make her be

happy. I'm ready to stop trying to take care of her and it all makes sense, BUT

there is one boundary I would REALLY like to set but am not sure about. I REALLY

need to attend my own church. My mother recently moved to live near me (we were

in different states) and, despite my brother's explicit advice and my hinting,

she immediately started attending my church. She is so negative and critical at

church that I hate being there. She is also so clingy that I feel like I am

trying to take care of not only my 3 and 5 yr. old throughout the service, but

also my mother. It's bad enough that my husband is disabled and can't attend

with us very often. It's worse now that I feel overwhelmed by mother's presence.

We recently started attending a different church and, of course, she went right

with us. BUT, she only attended for about a month and then she left the state

for several months and is returning today. She also has moved to a new house

that is further away from this new church and much closer to other churches.

This is the perfect opportunity to say, hey, mom, I think it would be best if we

went to different churches. BUT, I really think if she doesn't go to church with

me she won't go at all and that the suggestion of it might really shake her

faith. I understand that I am not responsible for her, but isn't a little

different when dealing with someone's salvation? (I mean, this could actually

make her turn her back on God, but then again, I have lost track of how many

times she has turned her back on God.) Any suggestions? Support? Am I doing the

wrong thing?

>

[Guest guest]

My husband and I have dealt with my nada on this exact same issue. She insisted

on attending the same church as us, then sitting with us. Nada is hard of

hearing and she would often talk to us very loudly during the service not only

distracting us, but disrupting the service for everyone around us. It was very

embarassing. DH *shushed* her once, and boy did we hear about THAT forever!

I concur with the other responses that your nada is responsible for herself and

her own salvation. If she turns her back on God, that is totally 100% on HER.

She alone is accountable to God for her actions. There is a wonderful book

called " Boundaries " written by two christian psychologists, Drs. Cloud and

Townsend. It was recommended to me by someone in this group, in fact. I highly

recommend it as well. It opened my eyes to a lot of misconceptions I had, and

literally changed my life.

It may help if you keep this in mind - this issue is NOT about religion, church,

or your nada's salvation. My guess is that this is about CONTROL. Your nada is

manipulative and intrusive, and she is using this as another way to weasel her

way into your life and use fear, obligation and guilt to gain control.

You have every right to choose another church, and you do NOT need your nada's

approval or permission to do so. In our case, we did not tell nada that we were

changing churches, we just did it. She eventually found out and was pissed off -

oh well. We just ignored her. We do not owe her an explanation. She did ask if

she could attend with us, and I told her it was up to her. I didn't go out of my

way to invite her. That wasn't enough for her though. She wanted us to drive 20

min. out of our way and pick her up at her house, take her to dinner afterward,

then back home. I told her that I was sorry, but that would not work for us.

Again, she was extremely pissed, and she left an angry voicemail saying " Well, I

guess I'm just too much trouble for you to bother with....blah, blah, blah " . And

again, we just ignored her. Eventually, she got the hint that we were not going

to bend over backward for her, and she is too lazy to drive herself across town

(even though she is perfectly capable of doing so). She eventually went back to

our old church which is only a couple of blocks away from her house. She managed

to get there all by herself - imagine that!

My advice to you is go ahead, set your boundary, change churches, and don't tell

your nada. If she brings it up, just say something like, " we felt God leading us

in a different direction " or whatever. Remember, you do not owe her a lengthy

explanation. She would just twist your words around and use them against you

anyway. Better still, pray and ask the Lord for guidance and to show you the

TRUTH, and then listen to what he is telling you. Sometimes the answer we seek

is right in front of us. We just have to open our eyes and accept it. I will

keep you in my prayers.

>

> I have known my mother had BPD for years, but didn't really understand it

until last week when I read Stop Walking on Eggshells. Now I understand it is

not my responsibility to protect my mother from herself or to try to make her be

happy. I'm ready to stop trying to take care of her and it all makes sense, BUT

there is one boundary I would REALLY like to set but am not sure about. I REALLY

need to attend my own church. My mother recently moved to live near me (we were

in different states) and, despite my brother's explicit advice and my hinting,

she immediately started attending my church. She is so negative and critical at

church that I hate being there. She is also so clingy that I feel like I am

trying to take care of not only my 3 and 5 yr. old throughout the service, but

also my mother. It's bad enough that my husband is disabled and can't attend

with us very often. It's worse now that I feel overwhelmed by mother's presence.

We recently started attending a different church and, of course, she went right

with us. BUT, she only attended for about a month and then she left the state

for several months and is returning today. She also has moved to a new house

that is further away from this new church and much closer to other churches.

This is the perfect opportunity to say, hey, mom, I think it would be best if we

went to different churches. BUT, I really think if she doesn't go to church with

me she won't go at all and that the suggestion of it might really shake her

faith. I understand that I am not responsible for her, but isn't a little

different when dealing with someone's salvation? (I mean, this could actually

make her turn her back on God, but then again, I have lost track of how many

times she has turned her back on God.) Any suggestions? Support? Am I doing the

wrong thing?

>

[Guest guest]

I am wondering if it is possible for you to feel out the pastor at your church

about this issue. It seems like unless I interpreted the post wrong you really

like this church and you want to continue to attend this church, and you want to

be free to go there without having to look after your mom and be affected by her

negativity. It sounds reasonable to me that since you have a 3 and 5 year old to

attend to that anyone would understand your not wanting to attend to your mother

as well or be affected by her negativity. Is it possible to tell her that you

would like to experiment with her sitting separately from you at the services

and only greeting you in passing since your priority has to be the children

during the service. Is it possible that if she doesn't agree or if she agrees

and doesn't do it, the two of you can have a sit down with the pastor and have

him advocate for you to her. The fact that your husband is disabled and you have

to manage alone seems like it would help to make it clear to anyone how

important these services are to you and how much you need them for your

spiritual strength. Just the fact of having the pastor aware of the issues might

completely change her behavior (even enough to make her prefer attending church

elsewhere). It seems like a delicate issue and maybe dabbling around in the gray

area might be a better solution then taking drastic steps from the word go. If

these don't work, you can always ask her outright to attend elsewhere, or tell

her flat out that church is your time of peace, and you will be NC with her

there, for the sake of your mental health.

>

> I have known my mother had BPD for years, but didn't really understand it

until last week when I read Stop Walking on Eggshells. Now I understand it is

not my responsibility to protect my mother from herself or to try to make her be

happy. I'm ready to stop trying to take care of her and it all makes sense, BUT

there is one boundary I would REALLY like to set but am not sure about. I REALLY

need to attend my own church. My mother recently moved to live near me (we were

in different states) and, despite my brother's explicit advice and my hinting,

she immediately started attending my church. She is so negative and critical at

church that I hate being there. She is also so clingy that I feel like I am

trying to take care of not only my 3 and 5 yr. old throughout the service, but

also my mother. It's bad enough that my husband is disabled and can't attend

with us very often. It's worse now that I feel overwhelmed by mother's presence.

We recently started attending a different church and, of course, she went right

with us. BUT, she only attended for about a month and then she left the state

for several months and is returning today. She also has moved to a new house

that is further away from this new church and much closer to other churches.

This is the perfect opportunity to say, hey, mom, I think it would be best if we

went to different churches. BUT, I really think if she doesn't go to church with

me she won't go at all and that the suggestion of it might really shake her

faith. I understand that I am not responsible for her, but isn't a little

different when dealing with someone's salvation? (I mean, this could actually

make her turn her back on God, but then again, I have lost track of how many

times she has turned her back on God.) Any suggestions? Support? Am I doing the

wrong thing?

>

[Guest guest]

We have dealt with something similar with my nada. Nada used attending our

church to attempt to thwart our rule that she wasn't to have unsupervised time

with our daughter (by sneaking into the nursery). She also had terrible

outbursts with our friends (loudly telling a friend whose mother is deceased

that it was better to have a dead mother than having a daughter like me). I

agonized about what to do and had similar spiritual questions about her

salvation. But how do you ask someone not to go to church? Isn't that exactly

the opposite of what church is supposed to be about?

So, we left the church (where we had been married and our child had been

baptized) and went to another church. We wouldn't tell her the name of our new

church. Six months later, we went back to our old church to visit because nada

had gone out of town for the weekend and we knew she wouldn't be there. It

turned out that she had not been there since we had left. She wasn't there for

religious purposes--she was there to " win " by overstepping boundaries. We

talked to our priest about it, and he said we should come back (we did) and that

if nada tried to come back again he would tell her that she needed to go to the

earlier service (like he does with divorced couples). She didn't come back, and

about a year after that, we went NC---which has truly been for the best.

I lost so much sleep over not wanting to negatively affect nada's salvation. It

broke my heart to give up our church--but I did it for that very reason--to not

cause nada a crisis in faith. But for us, it turned out that it had very little

to do with faith.

I hope this helps; I know every situation is different. No matter what you

decide, know I am out here wishing you the best and sending you love and

support.

Bunny

>

> I have known my mother had BPD for years, but didn't really understand it

until last week when I read Stop Walking on Eggshells. Now I understand it is

not my responsibility to protect my mother from herself or to try to make her be

happy. I'm ready to stop trying to take care of her and it all makes sense, BUT

there is one boundary I would REALLY like to set but am not sure about. I REALLY

need to attend my own church. My mother recently moved to live near me (we were

in different states) and, despite my brother's explicit advice and my hinting,

she immediately started attending my church. She is so negative and critical at

church that I hate being there. She is also so clingy that I feel like I am

trying to take care of not only my 3 and 5 yr. old throughout the service, but

also my mother. It's bad enough that my husband is disabled and can't attend

with us very often. It's worse now that I feel overwhelmed by mother's presence.

We recently started attending a different church and, of course, she went right

with us. BUT, she only attended for about a month and then she left the state

for several months and is returning today. She also has moved to a new house

that is further away from this new church and much closer to other churches.

This is the perfect opportunity to say, hey, mom, I think it would be best if we

went to different churches. BUT, I really think if she doesn't go to church with

me she won't go at all and that the suggestion of it might really shake her

faith. I understand that I am not responsible for her, but isn't a little

different when dealing with someone's salvation? (I mean, this could actually

make her turn her back on God, but then again, I have lost track of how many

times she has turned her back on God.) Any suggestions? Support? Am I doing the

wrong thing?

>

[Guest guest]

I'm going to answer this purely from the Christian standpoint of your

salvation concern. Only God can save her and only He can keep her. IF she

turns her back on GOD because YOU set a boundary, then her relationship with

God (and salvation) are at greater risk than you can do anything about. If

her salvation and relationship with Jesus Christ are REAL, then you can't do

anything to undo it. One thing I've had to remind myself with my own family

- my kids, etc. - I am NOT their Holy Spirit and it's HIS job to convict of

sin and draw people to God. Not mine.

Your mom's presence in your church WILL undermine your personal worship and

your relationship with God because obviously church and corporate worship

are very important to you. You need a SAFE fellowship of believers to

gather with. If your mom followed you to another church then it's not like

she really likes one or the other - or that she's attached to either one yet

If you feel strong enough emotionally, I'd tell her you really need your

own church without her - and it has nothing to do with your love for her -

it's just a personal private thing you need for you. If she wants to pull a

guilt trip about her salvation or you undermining her relationship with God,

let me know and we'll pray for her together - but your responsibility is NOT

to keep her saved.

I feel ya, sweetie! I really do! But you setting this kind of boundary is

NOT what the Bible is referring to by " stumbling block " .

Hugs, Mac

-- Want a Christian perspective on boundary

involving church

I have known my mother had BPD for years, but didn't really understand it

until last week when I read Stop Walking on Eggshells. Now I understand it

is not my responsibility to protect my mother from herself or to try to make

her be happy. I'm ready to stop trying to take care of her and it all makes

sense, BUT there is one boundary I would REALLY like to set but am not sure

about. I REALLY need to attend my own church. My mother recently moved to

live near me (we were in different states) and, despite my brother's

explicit advice and my hinting, she immediately started attending my church.

She is so negative and critical at church that I hate being there. She is

also so clingy that I feel like I am trying to take care of not only my 3

and 5 yr. old throughout the service, but also my mother. It's bad enough

that my husband is disabled and can't attend with us very often. It's worse

now that I feel overwhelmed by mother's presence. We recently started

attending a different church and, of course, she went right with us. BUT,

she only attended for about a month and then she left the state for several

months and is returning today. She also has moved to a new house that is

further away from this new church and much closer to other churches. This is

the perfect opportunity to say, hey, mom, I think it would be best if we

went to different churches. BUT, I really think if she doesn't go to church

with me she won't go at all and that the suggestion of it might really shake

her faith. I understand that I am not responsible for her, but isn't a

little different when dealing with someone's salvation? (I mean, this could

actually make her turn her back on God, but then again, I have lost track of

how many times she has turned her back on God.) Any suggestions? Support? Am

I doing the wrong thing?

[Guest guest]

Sveta,

Amen, Amen, Amen!

-- Re: Want a Christian perspective on boundary

involving church

> I understand that I am not responsible for her, but isn't a little

different when dealing with someone's salvation? (I mean, this could

actually make her turn her back on God, but then again, I have lost track of

how many times she has turned her back on God.) Any suggestions? Support? Am

I doing the wrong thing?

>

I apologize, I haven't the time to read the other replies.

But the answer is, no, it's not different. You are not responsible for your

mother's salvation. That is up to her. Christ Jesus himself allows us the

freedom to choose or reject Him; He doesn't make us do anything or try to

control our behavior. He has done all he can for us, and it's up to us

whether we accept Him. Can you do more for your mother than He can? Are you

able to control whether she accepts or rejects Him? No. Even He can't do

that. She has free will. If she chooses to " turn her back on God, " that's

not your fault. It's her choice.

I have to say that when you said your going to a different church might

shake your mother's faith, " I sat there scratching my head wondering exactly

WHO her faith is in, anyway. If she has faith in Christ, that is not

dependent on what YOU do. If your wanting to go somewhere different than she

does causes her to lose her faith in God, then it probably wasn't very

strong or genuine to begin with. It sounds like you're afraid she has much

more invested in her relationship with YOU than she does in her relationship

with GOD. And if that's the case, it will probably be better for her faith

in the long run for you to get out of the picture so she can get her

priorities straight. Anyway, I don't know if that makes sense.

It's perfectly reasonable and healthy for you to ask for space to worship on

your own while you're at church. I imagine it is very distracting having

your clingy shadow latched on to you at moments when you need to be able to

pause and reflect and be a little vulnerable before God. If she's not

willing to go sit somewhere else or leave you alone for the hour or two you

re at church, then by all means, find somewhere else, and don't tell her

next time where you're going. If she doesn't like your suggestion that she

find a new church on her own, at least you can tell her that you won't be

spending time with her while you're there and ask her to make friends her

own age or something.

Sveta