Revealing my pregnancy to Nada

[Guest guest]

Hi all! I am 11 weeks pregnant with my first baby, and I am simply over the moon

about it. My husband and I are telling our families the news next week, and I'm

absolutely thrilled to be telling everyone- with the exception of Nada. Just

thinking about calling her makes me feel on the verge of an anxiety attack. The

last time we spoke was when when I called her on Mother's Day, and since then

I've heard her sob story through other family members of how her daughter

doesn't love her anymore and how she has tried and tried to reach out to me (not

true). I know that when I tell her my news, she'll either be extremely upset

that I didn't tell her earlier, pulling the " But I'm your MOTHER! " card, or

she'll be so manic-excited that she'll start calling me obsessively multiple

times a day. Either scenario has me feeling more nauseous than this morning

sickness. I know not telling her would spare me the initial stress, but I feel I

have to tell her.

So, I'm calling all mammas. How did you tell Nada about your pregnancy if you

already had very limited contact with her? How did you protect yourself from her

during pregnancy?

Thank you!!

[Guest guest]

Can you send her a card or note telling her so you don't have to actually have a

conversation?

>

> Hi all! I am 11 weeks pregnant with my first baby, and I am simply over the

moon about it. My husband and I are telling our families the news next week, and

I'm absolutely thrilled to be telling everyone- with the exception of Nada.

Just thinking about calling her makes me feel on the verge of an anxiety attack.

The last time we spoke was when when I called her on Mother's Day, and since

then I've heard her sob story through other family members of how her daughter

doesn't love her anymore and how she has tried and tried to reach out to me (not

true). I know that when I tell her my news, she'll either be extremely upset

that I didn't tell her earlier, pulling the " But I'm your MOTHER! " card, or

she'll be so manic-excited that she'll start calling me obsessively multiple

times a day. Either scenario has me feeling more nauseous than this morning

sickness. I know not telling her would spare me the initial stress, but I feel I

have to tell her.

>

> So, I'm calling all mammas. How did you tell Nada about your pregnancy if you

already had very limited contact with her? How did you protect yourself from her

during pregnancy?

>

> Thank you!!

>

>

[Guest guest]

What if you were to send a birth a birth announcement to her by email? Just a

thought. You could personalize it for her and that would give her time to

digest it before you next interact. Plus, she would feel notified in a formal

way and before you tell others.

I think in general you just want to be really clear about what role(s) you do

and don't want her to have in relation to you, your husband and your pregnancy

(and later on your child). Get on the same page with your husband about it

ahead of time so you can have a united front.

It is great that you are so ahead of the game about this (i.e., preparing before

this baby is even born.)

Most importantly, congratulations!!!!!!

HC

>

> Hi all! I am 11 weeks pregnant with my first baby, and I amimply over the moon

about it. My husband and I are telling our families the news next week, and I'm

absolutely thrilled to be telling everyone- with the exception of Nada. Just

thinking about calling her makes me feel on the verge of an anxiety attack. The

last time we spoke was when when I called her on Mother's Day, and since then

I've heard her sob story through other family members of how her daughter

doesn't love her anymore and how she has tried and tried to reach out to me (not

true). I know that when I tell her my news, she'll either be extremely upset

that I didn't tell her earlier, pulling the " But I'm your MOTHER! " card, or

she'll be so manic-excited that she'll start calling me obsessively multiple

times a day. Either scenario has me feeling more nauseous than this morning

sickness. I know not telling her would spare me the initial stress, but I feel I

have to tell her.

>

> So, I'm calling all mammas. How did you tell Nada about your pregnancy if you

already had very limited contact with her? How did you protect yourself from her

during pregnancy?

>

> Thank you!!

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi

You are right to understand that this is going to be a big one. It certainly was

for me.

The first time I got pregnant, she made a point to tell me that she wouldn't be

able to come visit when the baby was born, since I lived too far away. That was

at 9 weeks, and unfortunately I miscarried. But I was still hurt that she made a

point so early on to tell me how little I mattered to her.

The second time I was pregnant (I have a wonderful 3 yr old daughter now), I

don't remember telling her, but I do remember the pregnancy causing all kinds of

bad-nada-behavior. She decided that she really needed some medical tests at the

hospital (she's never sick) and asked me to drive her there at 8 months

pregnant. She offered to help me fix up the house, and then bailed saying the

house was too dirty. And then a general avoidance. I kind of liked the avoidance

actually, although it did hurt my feelings. And you should have seen her at the

baby shower! She dressed like a bag lady and didn't even comb her hair. She

scared everyone.

On the first day my baby was here (after a midnight birth) I called her to

invite her to come see her first grandchild. She said, " Oh, but I have plans

already today " . The funny thing is, that I was so happy to have my baby, best

day of my life, that I didn't even care. I just said " Ok. Come when you can

then. " with no malice or hurt.

The birth of a baby brings out a lot of the bad-nada. For me, I needed extra

therapy during the pregnancy and after.

Congrats on the pregnancy, and remember you and the baby come first! Don't feel

guilty at all for saying no to her and taking care of yourself. If she acts

nutty, that's all her, not you. Enjoy becoming a good mom and having that happy

family we were all denied as kids.

-Terri

[Guest guest]

My nada's response was oh you couldn't have waited ( we found out on our 1 year

anniversary so its not like there would be any talk). Sometimes she's good

others not so much. She made it very clear she wrote specific instructions in

her will that he won't get any of his inheristance (and it will be substainal)

unless he is bar mitzaphed. I could care, its his choice, I'm am making him go

to sunday school but that's his decision not mine.

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Saturday, March 3, 2012 5:24 PM

Subject: Re: Revealing my pregnancy to Nada

Â

Hi

You are right to understand that this is going to be a big one. It certainly was

for me.

The first time I got pregnant, she made a point to tell me that she wouldn't be

able to come visit when the baby was born, since I lived too far away. That was

at 9 weeks, and unfortunately I miscarried. But I was still hurt that she made a

point so early on to tell me how little I mattered to her.

The second time I was pregnant (I have a wonderful 3 yr old daughter now), I

don't remember telling her, but I do remember the pregnancy causing all kinds of

bad-nada-behavior. She decided that she really needed some medical tests at the

hospital (she's never sick) and asked me to drive her there at 8 months

pregnant. She offered to help me fix up the house, and then bailed saying the

house was too dirty. And then a general avoidance. I kind of liked the avoidance

actually, although it did hurt my feelings. And you should have seen her at the

baby shower! She dressed like a bag lady and didn't even comb her hair. She

scared everyone.

On the first day my baby was here (after a midnight birth) I called her to

invite her to come see her first grandchild. She said, " Oh, but I have plans

already today " . The funny thing is, that I was so happy to have my baby, best

day of my life, that I didn't even care. I just said " Ok. Come when you can

then. " with no malice or hurt.

The birth of a baby brings out a lot of the bad-nada. For me, I needed extra

therapy during the pregnancy and after.

Congrats on the pregnancy, and remember you and the baby come first! Don't feel

guilty at all for saying no to her and taking care of yourself. If she acts

nutty, that's all her, not you. Enjoy becoming a good mom and having that happy

family we were all denied as kids.

-Terri

[Guest guest]

Congratulations!

Whatever you do, don't tell her you told an anonymous message board before her!

LOL.

I can understand your fears and concerns. You haven't mentioned feeling this

way--but you are NOT too sensitive or unreasonable for feeling a need to hold

back a bit with your nada.

With my first baby, by the time my due date came around, my mother was calling

multiple times a day " just to check on me. " I stopped answering, and she called

more. I finally told her I was trying to rest and she was driving me crazy. She

said, " But when you stop answering the phone, people will think something's

happened! " So you're not wrong to see that coming.

You can't control how she responds or what she says to other people. It is your

right to tell people how and where you choose. Many people wait until the end of

the first trimester to tell anyone. If she feels hurt that you didnt' tell her

sooner, that's her problem, not yours. Also, anyone whose opinion truly matters

will have the sense to trust their own judgment based on their own experience

with you rather than take her word for truth, so don't pay anyone else any mind.

If they come to you saying, " Your mother says... " or, " You should really... "

just tell them to mind their own damned business ;-)

Boundaries will be your friend. Think about what yours are--e.g., how many times

per day/week/month are you willing to answer the phone or reply to emails or

texts? Do you need to use the filters on your email server to send things from

your mother to a special folder? Turn ringers off on your phone after a certain

time of day? You can choose whether it is better to tell your mother about your

boundaries, or just to protect them without notifying her.

I also cannot stress enough the importance of a formal (written) birth plan.

There are plenty of templates online, or a doula can help you, or you can just

make up your own...the important thing is to give a copy to anyone caring for

you during L & D and recovery. Decide who you want to be present at the birth,

whether you want the hospital or birth center (or home midwife) to release any

information about you, and to whom. Notify hospital staff ahead of time if you

do not want to have visitors. I have heard so many horror stories of nadas

showing up practically trying to catch the baby themselves. Personally, after my

first, I stopped even telling my parents I was in labor and didn't call them

until I'd had time to recover. The last thing I wanted was them just showing up

uninvited.

Sveta

[Guest guest]

Thank you so much, Terri. It sure sounds like Nada put you through it with your

pregnancies! My nada is the waif, so I'll bet she's going to have all kinds of

medical " emergencies " in the next 6 months. Too funny. And wow, that story about

your shower is downright scary!

I guess my gut instinct is right that this is going to spur some truly special

behavior from her, so boundaries are most certainly going to be important.

Thank you so much for sharing your story. We can't control Nada's reactions or

feelings, but we can be prepared for them.

>

> Hi

>

> You are right to understand that this is going to be a big one. It certainly

was for me.

>

> The first time I got pregnant, she made a point to tell me that she wouldn't

be able to come visit when the baby was born, since I lived too far away. That

was at 9 weeks, and unfortunately I miscarried. But I was still hurt that she

made a point so early on to tell me how little I mattered to her.

>

> The second time I was pregnant (I have a wonderful 3 yr old daughter now), I

don't remember telling her, but I do remember the pregnancy causing all kinds of

bad-nada-behavior. She decided that she really needed some medical tests at the

hospital (she's never sick) and asked me to drive her there at 8 months

pregnant. She offered to help me fix up the house, and then bailed saying the

house was too dirty. And then a general avoidance. I kind of liked the avoidance

actually, although it did hurt my feelings. And you should have seen her at the

baby shower! She dressed like a bag lady and didn't even comb her hair. She

scared everyone.

>

> On the first day my baby was here (after a midnight birth) I called her to

invite her to come see her first grandchild. She said, " Oh, but I have plans

already today " . The funny thing is, that I was so happy to have my baby, best

day of my life, that I didn't even care. I just said " Ok. Come when you can

then. " with no malice or hurt.

>

> The birth of a baby brings out a lot of the bad-nada. For me, I needed extra

therapy during the pregnancy and after.

>

> Congrats on the pregnancy, and remember you and the baby come first! Don't

feel guilty at all for saying no to her and taking care of yourself. If she acts

nutty, that's all her, not you. Enjoy becoming a good mom and having that happy

family we were all denied as kids.

>

> -Terri

>

[Guest guest]

Sveta, thank you for your insight. Your advice is very empowering, and you

brought up a few things I hadn't even thought about, such as an iron-clad birth

plan. Oooh, the thought of Nada showing up during labor makes my blood boil. She

would totally do that! One thing is for sure, after reading your post, I will

NOT tell her when I'm in labor!

Thanks again!

>

> Congratulations!

>

> Whatever you do, don't tell her you told an anonymous message board before

her! LOL.

>

> I can understand your fears and concerns. You haven't mentioned feeling this

way--but you are NOT too sensitive or unreasonable for feeling a need to hold

back a bit with your nada.

>

> With my first baby, by the time my due date came around, my mother was calling

multiple times a day " just to check on me. " I stopped answering, and she called

more. I finally told her I was trying to rest and she was driving me crazy. She

said, " But when you stop answering the phone, people will think something's

happened! " So you're not wrong to see that coming.

>

> You can't control how she responds or what she says to other people. It is

your right to tell people how and where you choose. Many people wait until the

end of the first trimester to tell anyone. If she feels hurt that you didnt'

tell her sooner, that's her problem, not yours. Also, anyone whose opinion truly

matters will have the sense to trust their own judgment based on their own

experience with you rather than take her word for truth, so don't pay anyone

else any mind. If they come to you saying, " Your mother says... " or, " You should

really... " just tell them to mind their own damned business ;-)

>

> Boundaries will be your friend. Think about what yours are--e.g., how many

times per day/week/month are you willing to answer the phone or reply to emails

or texts? Do you need to use the filters on your email server to send things

from your mother to a special folder? Turn ringers off on your phone after a

certain time of day? You can choose whether it is better to tell your mother

about your boundaries, or just to protect them without notifying her.

>

> I also cannot stress enough the importance of a formal (written) birth plan.

There are plenty of templates online, or a doula can help you, or you can just

make up your own...the important thing is to give a copy to anyone caring for

you during L & D and recovery. Decide who you want to be present at the birth,

whether you want the hospital or birth center (or home midwife) to release any

information about you, and to whom. Notify hospital staff ahead of time if you

do not want to have visitors. I have heard so many horror stories of nadas

showing up practically trying to catch the baby themselves. Personally, after my

first, I stopped even telling my parents I was in labor and didn't call them

until I'd had time to recover. The last thing I wanted was them just showing up

uninvited.

>

> Sveta

>

[Guest guest]

congrats!!! babies are hard but so much fun all at the same time. I love finding

and making things for them. being pregnant is fun at times too. It is amazing

how much personality kids have even in the womb. and how nice to be the first

to know!

My Nada LOVES babies. in fact she wants MORE!!!!!!!! there are 11 of us kids in

my family. she loved us all (as babies) when around 2 we started having

opinions, and minds of our own. then she neglected and punished us.

one nice thing about so many siblings is that there is rarely only one of us

pregnant.

Nada keeps running tallies of how many grand kids all people in her life have,

and competes. she will never have as many as her mom which she often sadly

reminds us is not a competition.

I did not want to tell anyone when I got pregnant.

when I did tell her she was not really any more than obnoxiously excited for

herself. she did not show up at the hospital (I have never lived close enough)

but she did insist that I called her " any time " when going into labor so she

could pray and think about me. I did that the first time...

whenever anyone in the family has a baby (including SIL's) she spends a week

" helping " that is code for hogging the baby and complaining about car seats

(nada thinks they are baby cruelty because babies just want to be held) and

shooing husbands away. and telling tales of woe and doom of the women who did

too much too soon and DIED!!!!

the last time I gave birth Nada was out of the country as a missionary and my

MIL came (a few days later) to help. she played with the older kids so I could

sleep, she believed me when I said I wanted to get out of the house...

next time I have a baby I hope to be strong enough to tell nada to stay away. or

perhaps she will be out of the country again... one can hope.

no advice. nadas are unpredictable. annoying is a promising outcome.

I think I am part of the tell her whenever you want and let the chips fall where

they may camp.

Meikjn

> >

> > Hi

> >

> > You are right to understand that this is going to be a big one. It certainly

was for me.

> >

> > The first time I got pregnant, she made a point to tell me that she

wouldn't be able to come visit when the baby was born, since I lived too far

away. That was at 9 weeks, and unfortunately I miscarried. But I was still hurt

that she made a point so early on to tell me how little I mattered to her.

> >

> > The second time I was pregnant (I have a wonderful 3 yr old daughter now), I

don't remember telling her, but I do remember the pregnancy causing all kinds of

bad-nada-behavior. She decided that she really needed some medical tests at the

hospital (she's never sick) and asked me to drive her there at 8 months

pregnant. She offered to help me fix up the house, and then bailed saying the

house was too dirty. And then a general avoidance. I kind of liked the avoidance

actually, although it did hurt my feelings. And you should have seen her at the

baby shower! She dressed like a bag lady and didn't even comb her hair. She

scared everyone.

> >

> > On the first day my baby was here (after a midnight birth) I called her to

invite her to come see her first grandchild. She said, " Oh, but I have plans

already today " . The funny thing is, that I was so happy to have my baby, best

day of my life, that I didn't even care. I just said " Ok. Come when you can

then. " with no malice or hurt.

> >

> > The birth of a baby brings out a lot of the bad-nada. For me, I needed extra

therapy during the pregnancy and after.

> >

> > Congrats on the pregnancy, and remember you and the baby come first! Don't

feel guilty at all for saying no to her and taking care of yourself. If she acts

nutty, that's all her, not you. Enjoy becoming a good mom and having that happy

family we were all denied as kids.

> >

> > -Terri

> >

>

[Guest guest]

As I'm not a bio mom and am NC with my nada, I haven't anything to add

to this thread. But, I want to say CONGRATULATIONS!!! And, just as

importantly, GOOD LUCK with your nada!!!

Don't let her ruin this for you. Seriously. This is about you, your

hubby & your baby =)

Mia

[Guest guest]

Congratulations on your pregnancy!!

I kept the news of my first child from my mother, I think, for 3 months. She was

not happy. I don't think anything would have made her happy.

With my second pregnancy, I made the mistake of telling my parents early on.

For some reason, their response was horrifically unkind and mean-spirited. They

ganged up on me, telling me how I'd f***ed up my life. Of course, I went NC for

some time.

So...I'm not much help with advice on how to handle your mother. If I had to do

it over again, i would not pick up the phone when she called, only when I felt

able to handle it; and would have my husband handle her.

I would surround myself with a lot of good friends and supportive people.

I absolutely did not allow her anywhere near the hospital until I had my girls.

She would have been a mess and pain before then.

Very best wishes!!

Hugs,

Fiona

>

> Hi all! I am 11 weeks pregnant with my first baby, and I am simply over the

moon about it. My husband and I are telling our families the news next week, and

I'm absolutely thrilled to be telling everyone- with the exception of Nada.

Just thinking about calling her makes me feel on the verge of an anxiety attack.

The last time we spoke was when when I called her on Mother's Day, and since

then I've heard her sob story through other family members of how her daughter

doesn't love her anymore and how she has tried and tried to reach out to me (not

true). I know that when I tell her my news, she'll either be extremely upset

that I didn't tell her earlier, pulling the " But I'm your MOTHER! " card, or

she'll be so manic-excited that she'll start calling me obsessively multiple

times a day. Either scenario has me feeling more nauseous than this morning

sickness. I know not telling her would spare me the initial stress, but I feel I

have to tell her.

>

> So, I'm calling all mammas. How did you tell Nada about your pregnancy if you

already had very limited contact with her? How did you protect yourself from her

during pregnancy?

>

> Thank you!!

>

>

[Guest guest]

I don't remember the specifics of telling my nada, but I do remember talking

about it with my late husband. I remember asking him if we could just send her a

birth anouncement! I think I sent her a pic of me showing on mother's day. I

don't really remember. She was one of the very last ones I told. We live over

one thousand miles from nada, so keeping things like that from her is easier.

C

>

> Hi all! I am 11 weeks pregnant with my first baby, and I am simply over the

moon about it. My husband and I are telling our families the news next week, and

I'm absolutely thrilled to be telling everyone- with the exception of Nada.

Just thinking about calling her makes me feel on the verge of an anxiety attack.

The last time we spoke was when when I called her on Mother's Day, and since

then I've heard her sob story through other family members of how her daughter

doesn't love her anymore and how she has tried and tried to reach out to me (not

true). I know that when I tell her my news, she'll either be extremely upset

that I didn't tell her earlier, pulling the " But I'm your MOTHER! " card, or

she'll be so manic-excited that she'll start calling me obsessively multiple

times a day. Either scenario has me feeling more nauseous than this morning

sickness. I know not telling her would spare me the initial stress, but I feel I

have to tell her.

>

> So, I'm calling all mammas. How did you tell Nada about your pregnancy if you

already had very limited contact with her? How did you protect yourself from her

during pregnancy?

>

> Thank you!!

>

>