So tired. Would love to go NC

March 3, 2012

I'm 59 years old, still reacting to my nada's garbage. Spent most of my life

being afraid of her, afraid of her anger, her control. Finally found out about

BPD just a couple years ago. That helps but still, my gut reacts to her games.

My nada is 83, alone, treated my Dad like crap even when he was dying. And yet

some part of me thinks she deserves some bit of respect and compassion because

she's old and alone and a miserable old hag. What is wrong with me?

She's been very sick. Last week she had a colonoscopy, found out her colitis has

flared up, first time in about 20 years. Hubby and I spent 10 hours with her

that day after the test because she was so groggy and weak. The very next day

she tears into us because hubby had made a comment to the neighbors that I was

helping her get cleaned up for bed, she's very tired. That whole week she was a

beast. Needing me because of her bleeding and weakness yet so cruel. It felt

like I was her emotional toy yo-yo. She'd call me over and over again, needing

my help but then snap and tell me don't come over.

Got that on Monday when I normally visit. Called, said don't come over. Tuesday

she was fine on the phone. Thursday she needed me to do grocery shopping. I did,

plus she was strong enough to go out to lunch. Seemed fine. Today I call, normal

Sat. call and she's rude. Said, " I can't talk right now. " I heard the TV in the

background, asked if she had company. She said no. I asked if she wanted me to

call back later. She said no, goodbye and hung up.

I keep telling myself, don't react. This is nothing new. She loves being in

control. But my guts are churning. I want to go NC with her but I'm such a

chicken. Why doesn't she just once tell me don't ever call again like she does

with others? I would love to hear those words. I just don't have the guts to be

cruel to her and cut her off the way she does to me.

And those of you who do go NC, how do you deal with the lies they tell about you

to others? I've already been lied about. The doctor's office heard we were

taking financial advantage of her. Had to deal with Adult Protection Services.

It was a bunch of baloney of course; we have no access to her money in any way.

The one neighbor she's still talking to thinks we're abusive. Whatever.

I'm so tired of this.

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