Telling nada you're going NC or LC with severe boundaries ?

[Guest guest]

Hi everyone,

Things haven't been very fun since my dad decided to leave my nada (again). Her

behavior is obviously getting much worse. She checked herself into a hospital

because she was " depressed " the day he moved out. She was supposed to stay for 2

weeks, but left within a few days. I don't even know. Apparently it didn't help.

Maybe she just wanted someone to coddle her and baby her.

I am NC (4 years?), but my (slightly) older sister still sometimes sees nada and

answers phone calls and e-mails. Basically, my sister feels obligated to

communicate with her or suffer the consequences/she gets FOGged a lot. She told

me she is thinking of going NC, or maybe LC with loads of boundaries (only

answering the phone if she wants to, hanging up when nada starts to get crazy,

not reading any emails etc).

I am wondering:

If you have gone NC (or LC), do you tell nada? I know I just ignored my nada

until she got the picture (I was in college and hadn't discovered online support

groups yet).

What are some good words to use with BPs when you're going NC/LC? Thoughts? If

there has been a great response to this question in the past that can be

referenced as well. I want to help my sister.

Thank you everyone,

Cvidzz

[Guest guest]

I can share what I did, but what worked for me may not work for you. When I

decided to go No Contact about three and a half years ago, I wrote my nada a

brief letter telling her that I wished her well, I was glad for her that she was

going into therapy, but I said that I needed a " time out " from contact with her

and I'd let her know when I was ready to resume contact. I offered no reasons,

no explanation; I just positioned No Contact as something I needed, and thanked

her for understanding.

Once I sent the letter, I never opened or read anything my nada sent me, and I

tried to not just pick up the phone without looking to see who was calling,

although it happened that I did just pick it up a couple of times when it

happened to be nada. Up until the point that my Sister told me that our mother

was terminally ill, I remained in No Contact.

(Except for a brief visit to attend a family event two years ago.)

It took me a long, long time to decide that I needed to not be in contact with

my own mother any more. I didn't do it to manipulate her or punish her, I did

it to save my own sanity. I just couldn't take it anymore. I was not able to

achieve that utter emotional detachment, like a mental divorce, that would allow

me to remain in contact with my nada without her being able to hurt me. And, I

was afraid that continuing even low contact would actually unleash my rage at my

nada, and I didn't want to attack her, terrify her and rage at her the way she'd

raged at me when I was helpless and too little to understand or fight back.

My Sister was able to detach emotionally, almost totally. Sister told me that

to her, our mother had died, but she was going to care for this old woman out of

a sense of responsibility because she'd promised herself that she would look

after nada. Sister's emotional detachment allowed her to oversee our nada's

care, while protecting Sister for the most part from further hurt. (Our nada

knew just which buttons to push that would hurt each of us the most; nada had

after all installed those buttons.)

So, anyway. Your sister will have to determine whether writing a note to your

nada letting her know that she is not going to be in contact with her, or

whether gradually tapering off to less and less contact, or whether just

suddenly " disappearing " will work the best for her. Seems to me that there

isn't any " best " way to do it, its just deciding what one can best tolerate

based on our individual circumstances.

Best of luck to both you and your sister.

-Annie

>

> Hi everyone,

>

> Things haven't been very fun since my dad decided to leave my nada (again).

Her behavior is obviously getting much worse. She checked herself into a

hospital because she was " depressed " the day he moved out. She was supposed to

stay for 2 weeks, but left within a few days. I don't even know. Apparently it

didn't help. Maybe she just wanted someone to coddle her and baby her.

>

> I am NC (4 years?), but my (slightly) older sister still sometimes sees nada

and answers phone calls and e-mails. Basically, my sister feels obligated to

communicate with her or suffer the consequences/she gets FOGged a lot. She told

me she is thinking of going NC, or maybe LC with loads of boundaries (only

answering the phone if she wants to, hanging up when nada starts to get crazy,

not reading any emails etc).

>

> I am wondering:

> If you have gone NC (or LC), do you tell nada? I know I just ignored my nada

until she got the picture (I was in college and hadn't discovered online support

groups yet).

> What are some good words to use with BPs when you're going NC/LC? Thoughts? If

there has been a great response to this question in the past that can be

referenced as well. I want to help my sister.

>

> Thank you everyone,

>

> Cvidzz

>

[Guest guest]

With mine, I went NC after a big blow up. She didn't understand why I had cut

her off and called me incessantly, sending messages thru my brother, etc.

I finally had to write her a letter. I cannot talk to her honestly. That can't

happen. She changes the subject, finds distractions, watches tv, anything to not

discuss what I want to say. So the letter was very honest --but also very, I

felt, gentle.

I made it clear that she hurt me in multiple ways constantly, and that I needed

space. I didn't go into WHY very much. It doesn't really matter. No reason is

good enough.

Your mother, as you know, will definitely, rebel and try to violate any

boundaries your sister sets but she (your sis) has to try to be strong and

enforce them. It'll be very hard, but she has you to support her. She's very

lucky.

>

> Hi everyone,

>

> Things haven't been very fun since my dad decided to leave my nada (again).

Her behavior is obviously getting much worse. She checked herself into a

hospital because she was " depressed " the day he moved out. She was supposed to

stay for 2 weeks, but left within a few days. I don't even know. Apparently it

didn't help. Maybe she just wanted someone to coddle her and baby her.

>

> I am NC (4 years?), but my (slightly) older sister still sometimes sees nada

and answers phone calls and e-mails. Basically, my sister feels obligated to

communicate with her or suffer the consequences/she gets FOGged a lot. She told

me she is thinking of going NC, or maybe LC with loads of boundaries (only

answering the phone if she wants to, hanging up when nada starts to get crazy,

not reading any emails etc).

>

> I am wondering:

> If you have gone NC (or LC), do you tell nada? I know I just ignored my nada

until she got the picture (I was in college and hadn't discovered online support

groups yet).

> What are some good words to use with BPs when you're going NC/LC? Thoughts? If

there has been a great response to this question in the past that can be

referenced as well. I want to help my sister.

>

> Thank you everyone,

>

> Cvidzz

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks Annie and Fiona. Support here is always appreciated. NC for me was the

best, but my sister has never been able to do that. She's LC as much as

possible. It's not like she ever LIKES being around nada or WANTS to talk to her

on the phone. She still gets FOGgy a lot... and she's scared of nada (even

though at this point, there's nothing anyone can do or say! she's raging).

Perhaps a letter would be good... or just gradually seeing/talking less and

less. I know there's no right way. I was just wondering if there were any

brilliant " goodbye, nada " lines.

Thanks again!

Cvidzz

>

> Hi everyone,

>

> Things haven't been very fun since my dad decided to leave my nada (again).

Her behavior is obviously getting much worse. She checked herself into a

hospital because she was " depressed " the day he moved out. She was supposed to

stay for 2 weeks, but left within a few days. I don't even know. Apparently it

didn't help. Maybe she just wanted someone to coddle her and baby her.

>

> I am NC (4 years?), but my (slightly) older sister still sometimes sees nada

and answers phone calls and e-mails. Basically, my sister feels obligated to

communicate with her or suffer the consequences/she gets FOGged a lot. She told

me she is thinking of going NC, or maybe LC with loads of boundaries (only

answering the phone if she wants to, hanging up when nada starts to get crazy,

not reading any emails etc).

>

> I am wondering:

> If you have gone NC (or LC), do you tell nada? I know I just ignored my nada

until she got the picture (I was in college and hadn't discovered online support

groups yet).

> What are some good words to use with BPs when you're going NC/LC? Thoughts? If

there has been a great response to this question in the past that can be

referenced as well. I want to help my sister.

>

> Thank you everyone,

>

> Cvidzz

>

[Guest guest]

Its your sister's call, I guess. LIke my own Sister did, yours will do what she

feels the most comfortable doing. I know its hard to just stand by and watch a

loved one suffer, but your sister has the right and the power to make her own

choices. She will hopefully overcome the misplaced, inappropriate fear and

guilt at some point. I'm sure she appreciates your caring, your being there for

her, though.

-Annie

> >

> > Hi everyone,

> >

> > Things haven't been very fun since my dad decided to leave my nada (again).

Her behavior is obviously getting much worse. She checked herself into a

hospital because she was " depressed " the day he moved out. She was supposed to

stay for 2 weeks, but left within a few days. I don't even know. Apparently it

didn't help. Maybe she just wanted someone to coddle her and baby her.

> >

> > I am NC (4 years?), but my (slightly) older sister still sometimes sees nada

and answers phone calls and e-mails. Basically, my sister feels obligated to

communicate with her or suffer the consequences/she gets FOGged a lot. She told

me she is thinking of going NC, or maybe LC with loads of boundaries (only

answering the phone if she wants to, hanging up when nada starts to get crazy,

not reading any emails etc).

> >

> > I am wondering:

> > If you have gone NC (or LC), do you tell nada? I know I just ignored my nada

until she got the picture (I was in college and hadn't discovered online support

groups yet).

> > What are some good words to use with BPs when you're going NC/LC? Thoughts?

If there has been a great response to this question in the past that can be

referenced as well. I want to help my sister.

> >

> > Thank you everyone,

> >

> > Cvidzz

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hi

Honestly I can't remember what I said when I went NC when I was 18, it was over

20 yrs ago. I know that I wrote a letter, spelled it out I'm sure. And probably

not too tactfully since I was 18 after all. And I remember that she called a few

times and I had to hold the line. She also wrote letters, which I think I just

threw out. My rational at the time was that every time I talked to her she made

me cry, it didn't seem like a hard call to stop talking to someone who did that.

NC lasted 4-5 years, until I was ready to talk to her again. We started with

letters. Once or twice, back then in my 20's, she tried to ask me what had been

wrong, and tried to listen. But then she would snap back with a letter telling

me something along the lines of if I hadn't been such a difficult kid then she

wouldn't have had to act like that. So, needless to say I stopped trying to be

honest with her about my feelings. I think keeping it specific and detailed (how

many contacts per month for example) without explanations is a reasonable way to

go. It's been working for me.

Good luck,

Terri

>

> Hi everyone,

>

> Things haven't been very fun since my dad decided to leave my nada (again).

Her behavior is obviously getting much worse. She checked herself into a

hospital because she was " depressed " the day he moved out. She was supposed to

stay for 2 weeks, but left within a few days. I don't even know. Apparently it

didn't help. Maybe she just wanted someone to coddle her and baby her.

>

> I am NC (4 years?), but my (slightly) older sister still sometimes sees nada

and answers phone calls and e-mails. Basically, my sister feels obligated to

communicate with her or suffer the consequences/she gets FOGged a lot. She told

me she is thinking of going NC, or maybe LC with loads of boundaries (only

answering the phone if she wants to, hanging up when nada starts to get crazy,

not reading any emails etc).

>

> I am wondering:

> If you have gone NC (or LC), do you tell nada? I know I just ignored my nada

until she got the picture (I was in college and hadn't discovered online support

groups yet).

> What are some good words to use with BPs when you're going NC/LC? Thoughts? If

there has been a great response to this question in the past that can be

referenced as well. I want to help my sister.

>

> Thank you everyone,

>

> Cvidzz

>

[Guest guest]

I went NC with nada for about a year after a big chaotic, dramatic blowout. I

wrote her a letter and told her that I needed her to seek help because I

wouldn't stand for her abuse anymore. I asked her to seek out the answers for

why it was impossible for her to have successful relationships with her

children. I didn't tell her I was ending the contact with her. It just happened

naturally from that letter. She emailed me a short " you'll never know how much

you hurt me " email which is typical of her, and then we basically ignored each

other for a year.

Of course, I was the one who picked up the phone and called her a year later.

She acted like I was the prodigal daughter, and still does when I call once or

twice a year. I don't know what your nada is like, but mine doesn't like to lift

a finger, so being NC or LC with her wasn't so hard to achieve.

Even if you tell nada that you're going NC, you know she won't understand OR

react in any way that makes sense. Is it worth the stress on your end? Only you

can answer that, but rest assured you'll get lots of support here!

Hugs,

>

> Hi everyone,

>

> Things haven't been very fun since my dad decided to leave my nada (again).

Her behavior is obviously getting much worse. She checked herself into a

hospital because she was " depressed " the day he moved out. She was supposed to

stay for 2 weeks, but left within a few days. I don't even know. Apparently it

didn't help. Maybe she just wanted someone to coddle her and baby her.

>

> I am NC (4 years?), but my (slightly) older sister still sometimes sees nada

and answers phone calls and e-mails. Basically, my sister feels obligated to

communicate with her or suffer the consequences/she gets FOGged a lot. She told

me she is thinking of going NC, or maybe LC with loads of boundaries (only

answering the phone if she wants to, hanging up when nada starts to get crazy,

not reading any emails etc).

>

> I am wondering:

> If you have gone NC (or LC), do you tell nada? I know I just ignored my nada

until she got the picture (I was in college and hadn't discovered online support

groups yet).

> What are some good words to use with BPs when you're going NC/LC? Thoughts? If

there has been a great response to this question in the past that can be

referenced as well. I want to help my sister.

>

> Thank you everyone,

>

> Cvidzz

>

[Guest guest]

Yeah, I ALWAYS struggle with " standing by and watching " because both my dad and

sister maintained contact with nada after I went NC. But you're right, they need

to make their own choices. My dad has, he's left for good this time (I

hope--because the coming and going really doesn't help nada's abandonment fear).

I will support my sister. I know we're lucky to have eachother when so many

siblings are so often torn apart by the BP.

> > >

> > > Hi everyone,

> > >

> > > Things haven't been very fun since my dad decided to leave my nada

(again). Her behavior is obviously getting much worse. She checked herself into

a hospital because she was " depressed " the day he moved out. She was supposed to

stay for 2 weeks, but left within a few days. I don't even know. Apparently it

didn't help. Maybe she just wanted someone to coddle her and baby her.

> > >

> > > I am NC (4 years?), but my (slightly) older sister still sometimes sees

nada and answers phone calls and e-mails. Basically, my sister feels obligated

to communicate with her or suffer the consequences/she gets FOGged a lot. She

told me she is thinking of going NC, or maybe LC with loads of boundaries (only

answering the phone if she wants to, hanging up when nada starts to get crazy,

not reading any emails etc).

> > >

> > > I am wondering:

> > > If you have gone NC (or LC), do you tell nada? I know I just ignored my

nada until she got the picture (I was in college and hadn't discovered online

support groups yet).

> > > What are some good words to use with BPs when you're going NC/LC?

Thoughts? If there has been a great response to this question in the past that

can be referenced as well. I want to help my sister.

> > >

> > > Thank you everyone,

> > >

> > > Cvidzz

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you Terri and .

Terri-I agree with your rationale completely. I feel the same way about my nada.

If crying and shaking and nausea all come with dealing with nada.. then no way.

--I really like the wording you used when you told your nada to get help.

It is heartbreaking but makes sense. Wow, I can't believe this is our world...?

For me, life is better NC. I don't even think if my nada got better that I would

ever be ready to see her again.

>

> Hi everyone,

>

> Things haven't been very fun since my dad decided to leave my nada (again).

Her behavior is obviously getting much worse. She checked herself into a

hospital because she was " depressed " the day he moved out. She was supposed to

stay for 2 weeks, but left within a few days. I don't even know. Apparently it

didn't help. Maybe she just wanted someone to coddle her and baby her.

>

> I am NC (4 years?), but my (slightly) older sister still sometimes sees nada

and answers phone calls and e-mails. Basically, my sister feels obligated to

communicate with her or suffer the consequences/she gets FOGged a lot. She told

me she is thinking of going NC, or maybe LC with loads of boundaries (only

answering the phone if she wants to, hanging up when nada starts to get crazy,

not reading any emails etc).

>

> I am wondering:

> If you have gone NC (or LC), do you tell nada? I know I just ignored my nada

until she got the picture (I was in college and hadn't discovered online support

groups yet).

> What are some good words to use with BPs when you're going NC/LC? Thoughts? If

there has been a great response to this question in the past that can be

referenced as well. I want to help my sister.

>

> Thank you everyone,

>

> Cvidzz

>

[Guest guest]

btw, just wanted to clarify, I was NC with nada for about 6 weeks. I am now LC

with her.

I totally know how your sister feels.

I know I said it already, but she's super blessed to have you as a sister.

Fiona

> >

> > Hi everyone,

> >

> > Things haven't been very fun since my dad decided to leave my nada (again).

Her behavior is obviously getting much worse. She checked herself into a

hospital because she was " depressed " the day he moved out. She was supposed to

stay for 2 weeks, but left within a few days. I don't even know. Apparently it

didn't help. Maybe she just wanted someone to coddle her and baby her.

> >

> > I am NC (4 years?), but my (slightly) older sister still sometimes sees nada

and answers phone calls and e-mails. Basically, my sister feels obligated to

communicate with her or suffer the consequences/she gets FOGged a lot. She told

me she is thinking of going NC, or maybe LC with loads of boundaries (only

answering the phone if she wants to, hanging up when nada starts to get crazy,

not reading any emails etc).

> >

> > I am wondering:

> > If you have gone NC (or LC), do you tell nada? I know I just ignored my nada

until she got the picture (I was in college and hadn't discovered online support

groups yet).

> > What are some good words to use with BPs when you're going NC/LC? Thoughts?

If there has been a great response to this question in the past that can be

referenced as well. I want to help my sister.

> >

> > Thank you everyone,

> >

> > Cvidzz

> >

>