Guest guest Posted July 27, 2011 Report Share Posted July 27, 2011 I told nada I'd stop by today after work, just to get it over with. My kids have been asking to see her and I figured I may as well just go and see her. I called her to let her know I'd be coming over. We chatted a bit. She made sure to let me know of her latest malady/ailment. Anyways, before going over to her place, my heart was pounding. Oh my gosh you guys, I had to do yogic breathing to calm myself down. This is what I've been trying to tell her. Being with her makes me sick. I can feel my body going into stress mode, it's just not good. And this is how it is seeing her EVERY, SINGLE time. Because being with her is being with my accuser and chief doubter, always making sure to let me know what I can/cannot, should/should not do. It's like going to a fear doctor for a good, healthy dose of fear, doubt, guilt, dejection, and self-hatred. Yum! I hadn't seen her in a month, which is a record for me, since she's used to a weekly visit from me, so she was extra cold and waify. I'm realizing that, if I want her to be welcoming and sweet and in a good mood, I have to be completely enmeshed with her; I have to always agree with her; I have to ask my family to no longer do things they like because she thinks they're wrong. So, ugh, we got there and to make my story short, we spent the next hour watching TV, shouting answers out to " Jeopardy. " This has always been my family's buffer. Keep the TV on and pretend nothing's wrong. All through my childhood, that's how she and my father related: have a huge fight, not talk, and they would sit in front of the tv acting like nothing had happened. I remember once I was late getting home one day and she was absolutely hysterical, accusing me of sleeping around and having abortions. I just sat in front of the tv, frozen in my fear. She " prosecuted " me the whole night. I remember at one point, I got out a coloring book and crayons I'd gotten to somehow reassure her and myself of my own " purity " and goodness, b/c she had reassured me that I was filthy and soiled. Btw, I was 18, I don't know why I actually went out and bought a coloring book!! Anyway, back to tonight: It was so, so tense the whole visit. The time couldn't go by fast enough. We just made miserable small talk the whole time. God, it was horrid. At first, I was terrified she would bring up the letter I'd written her (again, fear of being prosecuted) or that she would confront me about my daughter being home alone or my husband and daughter going to Yellowstone, but then I just decided, " Whatever. If she brings it up, she brings it up. I will just answer her honestly. " She never did say anything like that. It was definitely a very stiff, forced conversation, like my letter was hanging over us. Part of me felt sad. Part of me wished I'd never sent the letter and that we were still going on with our farce. But that's wishing a chain around my neck. When we left, she said in her best dramatic voice, extra heavy with emotion, " **Thank you** for coming to **see** me. " I fake-cheery said, " you're welcome!!!! " Last thing: we visited her in the early evening. When we left her house, I thought it was starting to get dark outside. I couldn't believe how sunny, blue-skied and gorgeous it still was. She keeps ALL her curtains drawn, windows closed tight, absolutely no daylight allowed in, like the Munsters' house. It was utterly depressing. I cannot go back to status quo, visiting weekly. No freaking way. I love not talking to her every day. I love not hearing her depressing voice every day. I know I sound horrid. I'm sorry if I " m offending anyone. I sound like a monster. I wish I had the constitution to visit this elderly woman more often and be there more for her. But it's either she suffers or I do. And I feel like I've suffered already quite a bit. Thanks for listening, Fiona Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 27, 2011 Report Share Posted July 27, 2011 Oh my goodness, if you sound like a monster for feeling that way, then I'm one, too. I could relate so much to how you feel - getting such a physical reaction from just the thought of seeing/talking to her. I just realized tonight that I'm going to have to talk to my fada about a letter my mom got about insurance coverage. I don't want her to lose her coverage so I have to look into it, but I started feeling ill just thinking about calling or going into his hospital room. Yes, he's in the hospital - and I still stay away. My doctor (who is also their doctor) actually gave me xanax for when I have to deal with him (or mom or sister) and told me in the beginning to take one twice a day whether I felt like I needed it or not - I was that stressed out ALL the time. But of course, I resent the fact that I have to take anti-anxiety medication in order to face ANY interaction (or threat/thought of interaction). Anyway, I absolutely get where you're coming from. Mac -- visiting with nada I told nada I'd stop by today after work, just to get it over with. My kids have been asking to see her and I figured I may as well just go and see her. I called her to let her know I'd be coming over. We chatted a bit. She made sure to let me know of her latest malady/ailment. Anyways, before going over to her place, my heart was pounding. Oh my gosh you guys, I had to do yogic breathing to calm myself down. This is what I ve been trying to tell her. Being with her makes me sick. I can feel my body going into stress mode, it's just not good. And this is how it is seeing her EVERY, SINGLE time. Because being with her is being with my accuser and chief doubter, always making sure to let me know what I can/cannot, should/should not do. It's like going to a fear doctor for a good, healthy dose of fear, doubt, guilt, dejection, and self-hatred. Yum! I hadn't seen her in a month, which is a record for me, since she's used to a weekly visit from me, so she was extra cold and waify. I'm realizing that, if I want her to be welcoming and sweet and in a good mood, I have to be completely enmeshed with her; I have to always agree with her; I have to ask my family to no longer do things they like because she thinks they're wrong. So, ugh, we got there and to make my story short, we spent the next hour watching TV, shouting answers out to " Jeopardy. " This has always been my family's buffer. Keep the TV on and pretend nothing's wrong. All through my childhood, that's how she and my father related: have a huge fight, not talk, and they would sit in front of the tv acting like nothing had happened I remember once I was late getting home one day and she was absolutely hysterical, accusing me of sleeping around and having abortions. I just sat in front of the tv, frozen in my fear. She " prosecuted " me the whole night. I remember at one point, I got out a coloring book and crayons I'd gotten to somehow reassure her and myself of my own " purity " and goodness, b/c she had reassured me that I was filthy and soiled. Btw, I was 18, I don't know why I actually went out and bought a coloring book!! Anyway, back to tonight: It was so, so tense the whole visit. The time couldn't go by fast enough. We just made miserable small talk the whole time God, it was horrid. At first, I was terrified she would bring up the letter I'd written her (again, fear of being prosecuted) or that she would confront me about my daughter being home alone or my husband and daughter going to Yellowstone, but then I just decided, " Whatever. If she brings it up, she brings it up. I will just answer her honestly. " She never did say anything like that. It was definitely a very stiff, forced conversation, like my letter was hanging over us. Part of me felt sad. Part of me wished I'd never sent the letter and that we were still going on with our farce. But that's wishing a chain around my neck. When we left, she said in her best dramatic voice, extra heavy with emotion, " **Thank you** for coming to **see** me. " I fake-cheery said, " you're welcome!!!! " Last thing: we visited her in the early evening. When we left her house, I thought it was starting to get dark outside. I couldn't believe how sunny, blue-skied and gorgeous it still was. She keeps ALL her curtains drawn, windows closed tight, absolutely no daylight allowed in, like the Munsters' house. It was utterly depressing. I cannot go back to status quo, visiting weekly. No freaking way. I love not talking to her every day. I love not hearing her depressing voice every day. I know I sound horrid. I'm sorry if I " m offending anyone. I sound like a monster. I wish I had the constitution to visit this elderly woman more often and be there more for her. But it's either she suffers or I do. And I feel like I've suffered already quite a bit. Thanks for listening, Fiona Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 27, 2011 Report Share Posted July 27, 2011 Me too, I understand that chronic stress coupled with acute stress can actually make a person physically ill. I have gotten meniere's disease-like symptoms after being ambushed by my nada: sudden severe headache, loud ringing in ears, dizziness, nausea/vomiting, crashing, so I can relate. You're no monster, you are just doing the best you can under very difficult conditions. That's all any of us can do, is to just do the best we can. -Annie > > Oh my goodness, if you sound like a monster for feeling that way, then I'm > one, too. I could relate so much to how you feel - getting such a physical > reaction from just the thought of seeing/talking to her. I just realized > tonight that I'm going to have to talk to my fada about a letter my mom got > about insurance coverage. I don't want her to lose her coverage so I have > to look into it, but I started feeling ill just thinking about calling or > going into his hospital room. Yes, he's in the hospital - and I still stay > away. > > My doctor (who is also their doctor) actually gave me xanax for when I have > to deal with him (or mom or sister) and told me in the beginning to take one > twice a day whether I felt like I needed it or not - I was that stressed out > ALL the time. But of course, I resent the fact that I have to take > anti-anxiety medication in order to face ANY interaction (or threat/thought > of interaction). Anyway, I absolutely get where you're coming from. > > Mac > > > > > -- visiting with nada > > > I told nada I'd stop by today after work, just to get it over with. > > My kids have been asking to see her and I figured I may as well just go and > see her. > > I called her to let her know I'd be coming over. We chatted a bit. She > made sure to let me know of her latest malady/ailment. > > Anyways, before going over to her place, my heart was pounding. Oh my gosh > you guys, I had to do yogic breathing to calm myself down. This is what I > ve been trying to tell her. Being with her makes me sick. I can feel my > body going into stress mode, it's just not good. And this is how it is > seeing her EVERY, SINGLE time. Because being with her is being with my > accuser and chief doubter, always making sure to let me know what I > can/cannot, should/should not do. It's like going to a fear doctor for a > good, healthy dose of fear, doubt, guilt, dejection, and self-hatred. Yum! > > I hadn't seen her in a month, which is a record for me, since she's used to > a weekly visit from me, so she was extra cold and waify. > > I'm realizing that, if I want her to be welcoming and sweet and in a good > mood, I have to be completely enmeshed with her; I have to always agree with > her; I have to ask my family to no longer do things they like because she > thinks they're wrong. > > So, ugh, we got there and to make my story short, we spent the next hour > watching TV, shouting answers out to " Jeopardy. " This has always been my > family's buffer. Keep the TV on and pretend nothing's wrong. All through > my childhood, that's how she and my father related: have a huge fight, not > talk, and they would sit in front of the tv acting like nothing had happened > I remember once I was late getting home one day and she was absolutely > hysterical, accusing me of sleeping around and having abortions. I just sat > in front of the tv, frozen in my fear. She " prosecuted " me the whole night. > I remember at one point, I got out a coloring book and crayons I'd gotten to > somehow reassure her and myself of my own " purity " and goodness, b/c she had > reassured me that I was filthy and soiled. Btw, I was 18, I don't know why I > actually went out and bought a coloring book!! > > Anyway, back to tonight: It was so, so tense the whole visit. The time > couldn't go by fast enough. We just made miserable small talk the whole time > God, it was horrid. > > At first, I was terrified she would bring up the letter I'd written her > (again, fear of being prosecuted) or that she would confront me about my > daughter being home alone or my husband and daughter going to Yellowstone, > but then I just decided, " Whatever. If she brings it up, she brings it up. I > will just answer her honestly. " > > She never did say anything like that. It was definitely a very stiff, forced > conversation, like my letter was hanging over us. > > Part of me felt sad. Part of me wished I'd never sent the letter and that we > were still going on with our farce. But that's wishing a chain around my > neck. > > When we left, she said in her best dramatic voice, extra heavy with emotion, > " **Thank you** for coming to **see** me. " I fake-cheery said, " you're > welcome!!!! " > > Last thing: we visited her in the early evening. When we left her house, I > thought it was starting to get dark outside. I couldn't believe how sunny, > blue-skied and gorgeous it still was. She keeps ALL her curtains drawn, > windows closed tight, absolutely no daylight allowed in, like the Munsters' > house. It was utterly depressing. > > I cannot go back to status quo, visiting weekly. No freaking way. I love > not talking to her every day. I love not hearing her depressing voice every > day. I know I sound horrid. I'm sorry if I " m offending anyone. I sound like > a monster. I wish I had the constitution to visit this elderly woman more > often and be there more for her. But it's either she suffers or I do. And > I feel like I've suffered already quite a bit. > > Thanks for listening, > > Fiona > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 28, 2011 Report Share Posted July 28, 2011 This sounds awful, Fiona. I am sorry you had to go through this tonight. My folks use the tv as a buffer, too. I've spent many tense visits sitting in their overly cold house, focusing on some inane tv program instead of real conversation. But everyone prefers that to nada revving up about her latest slight. BLAH! > > I told nada I'd stop by today after work, just to get it over with. > > My kids have been asking to see her and I figured I may as well just go and see her. > > I called her to let her know I'd be coming over. We chatted a bit. She made sure to let me know of her latest malady/ailment. > > Anyways, before going over to her place, my heart was pounding. Oh my gosh you guys, I had to do yogic breathing to calm myself down. This is what I've been trying to tell her. Being with her makes me sick. I can feel my body going into stress mode, it's just not good. And this is how it is seeing her EVERY, SINGLE time. Because being with her is being with my accuser and chief doubter, always making sure to let me know what I can/cannot, should/should not do. It's like going to a fear doctor for a good, healthy dose of fear, doubt, guilt, dejection, and self-hatred. Yum! > > I hadn't seen her in a month, which is a record for me, since she's used to a weekly visit from me, so she was extra cold and waify. > > I'm realizing that, if I want her to be welcoming and sweet and in a good mood, I have to be completely enmeshed with her; I have to always agree with her; I have to ask my family to no longer do things they like because she thinks they're wrong. > > So, ugh, we got there and to make my story short, we spent the next hour watching TV, shouting answers out to " Jeopardy. " This has always been my family's buffer. Keep the TV on and pretend nothing's wrong. All through my childhood, that's how she and my father related: have a huge fight, not talk, and they would sit in front of the tv acting like nothing had happened. I remember once I was late getting home one day and she was absolutely hysterical, accusing me of sleeping around and having abortions. I just sat in front of the tv, frozen in my fear. She " prosecuted " me the whole night. I remember at one point, I got out a coloring book and crayons I'd gotten to somehow reassure her and myself of my own " purity " and goodness, b/c she had reassured me that I was filthy and soiled. Btw, I was 18, I don't know why I actually went out and bought a coloring book!! > > Anyway, back to tonight: It was so, so tense the whole visit. The time couldn't go by fast enough. We just made miserable small talk the whole time. God, it was horrid. > > At first, I was terrified she would bring up the letter I'd written her (again, fear of being prosecuted) or that she would confront me about my daughter being home alone or my husband and daughter going to Yellowstone, but then I just decided, " Whatever. If she brings it up, she brings it up. I will just answer her honestly. " > > She never did say anything like that. It was definitely a very stiff, forced conversation, like my letter was hanging over us. > > Part of me felt sad. Part of me wished I'd never sent the letter and that we were still going on with our farce. But that's wishing a chain around my neck. > > When we left, she said in her best dramatic voice, extra heavy with emotion, " **Thank you** for coming to **see** me. " I fake-cheery said, " you're welcome!!!! " > > Last thing: we visited her in the early evening. When we left her house, I thought it was starting to get dark outside. I couldn't believe how sunny, blue-skied and gorgeous it still was. She keeps ALL her curtains drawn, windows closed tight, absolutely no daylight allowed in, like the Munsters' house. It was utterly depressing. > > I cannot go back to status quo, visiting weekly. No freaking way. I love not talking to her every day. I love not hearing her depressing voice every day. I know I sound horrid. I'm sorry if I " m offending anyone. I sound like a monster. I wish I had the constitution to visit this elderly woman more often and be there more for her. But it's either she suffers or I do. And I feel like I've suffered already quite a bit. > > Thanks for listening, > > Fiona > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 28, 2011 Report Share Posted July 28, 2011 But it's either she suffers or I do. And I feel like I've suffered already quite a bit. Dear Fiona, The thing to realize here is these people are miserable and unhappy all the time anyway. I finally figured that out after I messed my whole life up trying to keep a certain person happy, and happy with me. I sacrifice for her: She's unhappy anyway. I don't sacrifice for her: She's unhappy anyway. Save yourself. --. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 28, 2011 Report Share Posted July 28, 2011 That's my issue in a nutshell, very succinctly. I'm now struggling with the concept of feeling pity for nada from a distance, without laying myself open to more hurt and damage. -Annie > > But it's either she suffers or I do. And I feel like I've suffered already quite a bit. > > > Dear Fiona, > > The thing to realize here is these people are miserable and unhappy all the time anyway. I finally figured that out after I messed my whole life up trying to keep a certain person happy, and happy with me. I sacrifice for her: She's unhappy anyway. I don't sacrifice for her: She's unhappy anyway. > > Save yourself. > > --. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 28, 2011 Report Share Posted July 28, 2011 I agree completely. Our nadas and fadas are unhappy and miserable because they choose to be unhappy and miserable. Nothing we do is ever going to satisfy them for long. We can't give enough to turn them into happy people. I see no point to sacrificing for someone who doesn't appreciate it. I choose to be happy and part of me being happy involves me not taking any responsibility for my nada's failure to be happy. At 01:26 PM 07/28/2011 Roganda wrote: > But it's either she suffers or I do. And I feel like I've > suffered already quite a bit. > > >Dear Fiona, > >The thing to realize here is these people are miserable and >unhappy all the time anyway. I finally figured that out after >I messed my whole life up trying to keep a certain person >happy, and happy with me. I sacrifice for her: She's unhappy >anyway. I don't sacrifice for her: She's unhappy anyway. > >Save yourself. > >--. -- Katrina Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 28, 2011 Report Share Posted July 28, 2011 I cannot agree more, hard as it is (I am on my first month of NC) it is for the best sometimes. Sure there are times when I remember my nada's 'nice moments' and miss her/them, but I refuse to get burned again. ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Thu, July 28, 2011 12:33:32 PM Subject: Re: visiting with nada That's my issue in a nutshell, very succinctly. I'm now struggling with the concept of feeling pity for nada from a distance, without laying myself open to more hurt and damage. -Annie > > But it's either she suffers or I do. And I feel like I've suffered already >quite a bit. > > > Dear Fiona, > > The thing to realize here is these people are miserable and unhappy all the >time anyway. I finally figured that out after I messed my whole life up trying >to keep a certain person happy, and happy with me. I sacrifice for her: She's >unhappy anyway. I don't sacrifice for her: She's unhappy anyway. > > Save yourself. > > --. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 29, 2011 Report Share Posted July 29, 2011 > I know I sound horrid. I'm sorry if I " m offending anyone. I sound like a monster. I wish I had the constitution to visit this elderly woman more often and be there more for her. But it's either she suffers or I do. And I feel like I've suffered already quite a bit. > I missed something. *How* exactly do you know that you're " horrid " and " offending " and a " monster? " Who is saying those things about you? (hint: Are these things your nada would say about you? Have you taken over saying abusive things to yourself even when she's not around?) Fiona, NO ONE is supposed to have the " constitution " to enjoy putting up with abuse. NO ONE is built for that. I don't think it makes a lot of sense to beat yourself up for failing to meet such an impossible expectation. The fact that you don't like being around someone who treats you so badly sounds perfectly normal to me! Just because a woman has a baby doesn't mean she gets to do whatever she wants to it without consequences. We all know about that " but she's your mother " crap, and it's been bemoaned and debunked here plenty of times. But I want to let you know that it's no different when your mother gets old. Just because she has become " elderly " does not mean she has a right to treat other people like sh!t and still expect to receive great care and attention. Don't use her age to FOG yourself. I don't mean to be harsh to you; in fact, I can understand why you feel the way you do. I just want you to feel supported, and I often find it helpful when people are straightforward with me. I have a physical reaction just thinking about contact with my parents, too. It's common for us. And it doesn't mean something's wrong with us; it means something's wrong with the way they treat us. And we need to listen to what our bodies are telling us when this happens. We know that our parents aren't safe, that they pose a threat to our emotional well-being. If we listen and learn to protect ourselves by limiting contact and setting boundaries, that's good! We're not supposed to just ignore it and keep going back for more. We're not supposed to learn how to tolerate their bad behaviors; we're supposed to learn how NOT to tolerate them. How to protect ourselves. How to know that we're worth protecting. Hang in there, and don't you dare feel guilty for not wanting to visit your mother. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 29, 2011 Report Share Posted July 29, 2011 Hey, better a " monster " than a zombie!! (Kidding, of course) You are NOT a monster for opting to protect yourself. That's just common sense, and healthy thinking. Give yourself a break - it takes practice to be able to walk away when you've been conditioned to " just take it because she's your MUTH-ERRR " for so many years. Eventually, though, you do whatever you have to do to live a healthy life - NC, LC, whatever it takes. No apologies, and no guilt. n WTOAdultChildren1 , " svaktshka " wrote: > > > > > > I know I sound horrid. I'm sorry if I " m offending anyone. I sound like a monster. I wish I had the constitution to visit this elderly woman more often and be there more for her. But it's either she suffers or I do. And I feel like I've suffered already quite a bit. > > > > I missed something. *How* exactly do you know that you're " horrid " and " offending " and a " monster? " Who is saying those things about you? (hint: Are these things your nada would say about you? Have you taken over saying abusive things to yourself even when she's not around?) > > Fiona, NO ONE is supposed to have the " constitution " to enjoy putting up with abuse. NO ONE is built for that. I don't think it makes a lot of sense to beat yourself up for failing to meet such an impossible expectation. The fact that you don't like being around someone who treats you so badly sounds perfectly normal to me! > > Just because a woman has a baby doesn't mean she gets to do whatever she wants to it without consequences. We all know about that " but she's your mother " crap, and it's been bemoaned and debunked here plenty of times. But I want to let you know that it's no different when your mother gets old. Just because she has become " elderly " does not mean she has a right to treat other people like sh!t and still expect to receive great care and attention. Don't use her age to FOG yourself. > > I don't mean to be harsh to you; in fact, I can understand why you feel the way you do. I just want you to feel supported, and I often find it helpful when people are straightforward with me. I have a physical reaction just thinking about contact with my parents, too. It's common for us. And it doesn't mean something's wrong with us; it means something's wrong with the way they treat us. And we need to listen to what our bodies are telling us when this happens. We know that our parents aren't safe, that they pose a threat to our emotional well-being. If we listen and learn to protect ourselves by limiting contact and setting boundaries, that's good! We're not supposed to just ignore it and keep going back for more. We're not supposed to learn how to tolerate their bad behaviors; we're supposed to learn how NOT to tolerate them. How to protect ourselves. How to know that we're worth protecting. > > Hang in there, and don't you dare feel guilty for not wanting to visit your mother. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 29, 2011 Report Share Posted July 29, 2011 > > I agree completely. Our nadas and fadas are unhappy and > miserable because they choose to be unhappy and miserable. Well...I don't know that anyone really chooses to be unhappy. I mean, nobody wakes up one morning and says, " I've got it! I'm going to spend the rest of my life miserable! Yeah, that's it, I can't wait! " I mean, most people who are unhappy don't like feeling that way and are dying to feel any other way. I guess in the sense that these people won't accept appropriate help (the kind that says, " You need to change, " ) they are making that choice. --. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 29, 2011 Report Share Posted July 29, 2011 My nada may not actively say " I'm going to spend the rest of my life miserable " but she does constantly make choices that lead to her being miserable. When offered ways to be able to do the things she claims would make her happy, she finds excuses not to do them while continuing to complain about her lack of those things. Sometimes she seems to make her choices that way so that she can play the martyr afterward. " Oh look at me, I made all these sacrifices and no one appreciates it. Woe is me! " If there's a choice between thinking the worst and thinking the best, she almost always chooses to think the worst. She dwells on things that are negative and holds on to a lifetime's worth of grudges, some of them over things that never actually happened. To me, that adds up to choosing to be unhappy. I see no sign that she actually wants to feel any differently. I've totally run out of patience with it all. She can choose to be that way and as long as she does so, I choose not to be around her more than I need to. At 07:30 PM 07/29/2011 Roganda wrote: >Well...I don't know that anyone really chooses to be >unhappy. I mean, nobody wakes up one morning and says, " I've >got it! I'm going to spend the rest of my life >miserable! Yeah, that's it, I can't wait! " I mean, most >people who are unhappy don't like feeling that way and are >dying to feel any other way. > >I guess in the sense that these people won't accept appropriate >help (the kind that says, " You need to change, " ) they are >making that choice. -- Katrina Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 29, 2011 Report Share Posted July 29, 2011 My nada has always been a rather unhappy, dissatisfied, frustrated person but she chose to deal with it by pressuring, badgering, demanding, and literally screaming at me, Sister and dad to be " better. " I was told pretty frequently that I wasn't trying hard enough, that I could " do better. " Nada chose to assuage her own personal unhappiness by coercing me, dad and Sister to attempt to achieve great things: we were supposed to be smarter, prettier (well, not dad), more talented, more " famous " , make more money, have a bigger house, better cars, etc., than our relatives and nada's friends and acquaintances, and when that didn't happen, nada probably felt highly justified in her wretched disappointment and felt justified in railing at us for our failures. So, I agree that even though it was an indirect choice, it was still her choice (to be miserable.) At any point in time, in one of her calmer days or periods, my nada could have chosen to do something *herself* that could have garnered her some attention and praise and boosted her ego and her happiness, but she never did. She told me once that she joined a women's club whose main focus was doing various fund-raising activities for charities, but she didn't like the group because they wouldn't put her in charge. She didn't want to simply be part of a team, or work her way up to a responsible position within the organization; nada had to be the leader, NOW. I think that speaks for the large narcissistic pd component to my nada's disorder. My nada could have chosen to go into therapy, even. But she never did go into therapy just for herself, willingly. One time (according to Sister, who was still a teen and living with our parents) nada decided to drag dad with her to see a marriage counselor, saying that she wanted the counselor to " straighten him out about some things. " That one and only session ended with the counselor suggesting that in his opinion nada had " borderline pd " and would benefit from seeing a psychologist for individual therapy. Sister remembers that nada arrived back home in a spectacular rage, screaming that the counselor was an idiot, a moron, incompetent, there was nothing wrong with her, etc. So maybe for those with bpd, it really is a " Catch 22 " situation. -Annie > > > > I agree completely. Our nadas and fadas are unhappy and > > miserable because they choose to be unhappy and miserable. > > > Well...I don't know that anyone really chooses to be unhappy. I mean, nobody wakes up one morning and says, " I've got it! I'm going to spend the rest of my life miserable! Yeah, that's it, I can't wait! " I mean, most people who are unhappy don't like feeling that way and are dying to feel any other way. > > I guess in the sense that these people won't accept appropriate help (the kind that says, " You need to change, " ) they are making that choice. > > --. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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